Courage

One of my favorite movies of all time is the Wizard of Oz. I don't know how many times I watched it as a child, but I always loved it. The first time I saw it, I was scared to death of the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West, but the older I got, the less afraid I became of them.

Each character in the movie held a special place in my heart. I could relate well to Dorothy, because I was a young girl. I loved Glenda, the good witch, because she was so sweet and kind and beautiful. The Scarecrow got my sympathy when the Wicked Witch set him on fire and the Cowardly Lion...well, he always made me laugh at his lack of courage.

Courage. The dictionary defines courage as "the ability to do something that frightens one or to have strength in the face of pain or grief." But where does courage come from? Is it from our own inner strength or from somewhere else? I think it comes from God.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, I was studying Deuteronomy 31. The leadership of the Israelites is about to be turned over to Joshua because Moses is getting too old to lead them into battle. As God instructs Moses to turn over his leadership to Joshua, God assures Joshua that He will be with him and He will go before him and prepare the way. Listen to verse 8 of the 31st chapter of Deuteronomy: "It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit—depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]."

I think that most of us would agree that we are all cowards when it comes to pain! None of us could face the arrow of surgery without flinching, could we? As I let that verse sink in, I realized it not only applied to Joshua...it applied to me! No I don't know what date my surgery will fall on and no, I don't know how difficult it will be for me to endure but I know that God has already gone before me. He already knows exactly when the date of surgery will be and He already knows the outcome! He doesn't want me to be afraid of what is coming in the days ahead. He wants me to trust Him! 


God instructs Joshua in this verse of Scripture that he is not to be depressed or dismayed or unnerved with alarm. Of course, God is referring to the upcoming difficulties that Joshua will face as a leader taking an army into war. I think that God is speaking to me through this verse as well. He doesn't want me to walk in the flesh and allow depression, anxiety, and fear to rule over me. He wants me to walk in the spirit of truth knowing that He is going to march right into that operating room with me. As I lay on that gurney waiting to be put to sleep, He will be right there beside me...and when I wake up, guess who never left my side through all of it - Jesus. 

It doesn't matter that this verse of Scripture was written hundreds of years ago. It's as relevant today as it was back then. God says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That tells me that if He was the forerunner for Joshua, He's going to be the forerunner for me! God knows my fleshly reaction to difficult circumstances, after all, He made me! He is a loving Father and I know He's not going to chastise me for being fearful but I know He prefers that I stand firm in the truth of His Word. He longs for me to walk in the freedom of trust. He wants me to remember that He's got my back, my front, my top, my bottom...He's got all of it. 

So when that phone call comes and I'm given the date for surgery, I'm not going to be cowardly. I'm going to rest in the fact that God knows exactly what lies ahead because He's already gone before me. I will look those flying monkeys of fear in the eye and shake my finger at them saying "not this time!" I don't have to give in to fear and why should I when I have the God of all creation right next to me? 

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

A Chink in my Armor

At some point, you've probably heard someone make reference to a "chink in their armor" but do you know what it really means and how the phrase came about? The phrase came about during the middle ages when warriors would enter the battlefield suited from head to toe in a heavy steel armor. It was this armor that protected them from the most powerful weapons of the period. Any opening, crack or fissure in the armor created a serious vulnerability for the warrior and was known as a "chink".

Last night I found a chink in my armor. I didn't even know it was there. I thought I was fully covered and protected in my spiritual armor. Do you want to know how I found it? I was walking through the grocery store doing my weekly shopping. As I meandered up and down the aisles, I'd pass first one woman and then another...all various shapes and sizes. I couldn't help but look at their breasts and think of my upcoming surgery. All of a sudden I began bawling. My husband quickly came to my side and asked me what was wrong. Through my sobs, I finally was able to make him hear and understand what I was saying..."it's true! I'm really going to have both of my breasts removed!" Then I began to bawl even more. For some reason, I was slapped in the face with reality. Oh, I've been trying to be the brave warrior princess. I thought I was doing a really good job at it, but apparently I had a chink in my armor...a place of vulnerability that I didn't know about...and through this chink had come a sneak attack...and I was hit hard. 

The devil is always looking for a "chink" in our spiritual armor. There's no doubt if it's there he'll exploit it.  However, the Apostle Paul described the pieces of the armor and how to wear it in order to combat the enemy. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." Ephesians 6:10-17. 

I thought I had put on ALL of my armor, but apparently I hadn't fastened everything tightly in place. When I got home, after putting away the groceries, I went straight into my prayer closet. On my knees, I fight spiritual battles. I cried out to God and shared my heart with Him. In His love and mercy, He reassured me that it's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset and emotional about this wretched Cancer. 

As I lay on the floor, vulnerable and shaken, I felt His overwhelming peace wash over me. His presence was so comforting and as I continued to allow Him to minister to my spirit, I felt like a little girl again...a little girl with her head laying on her father's lap as He tenderly stroked her hair and whispered consolation..."I'm here my daughter. I understand. It's going to be okay. I'm right here with you. I promised I would never leave you and I won't. Trust me. When you are weak, I am strong. Let me be your strength."

I don't know how long I lay there, but when I arose, I knew the chink in my armor had been mended. God had poured His tender love into the fissure and melded it back together. I'm sure there will be other sneak attacks from Satan coming at me in the days ahead, and I plan to be prepared...but I know where I can turn for solace and comfort. There's no place I'd rather be than in the arms of my Heavenly Father. He is a shelter in the storm. He is the lover of my soul and He will never leave me alone.    

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved  

Warrior Princess

Warrior princesses...there are many. Some are fictional and some are very real. All of these valiant women had one thing in common, the desire to fight for a worthy cause and the desire to win.

You've probably seen the fictional ones at some point on TV clad in their armor fighting evil foes. Among these were Xena and She Ra. Xena was an infamous warrior on a quest to seek redemption for her past sins against the innocent by using her formidable fighting skills to help those unable to defend themselves. Another fictional warrior princess, was She Ra, leader to a group of freedom fighters known as the Great Rebellion in the hope of freeing her people from an evil ruler.

Then there are the real Warrior Princesses:

Deborah- the only female judge mentioned in the Bible, Deborah led a successful attack against the forces of the king of Canaan. Joan of Arc - While still a teenage girl, Joan of Arc inspired French troops and successfully led men into battle during the Hundred Years' War. Gudit- legendary queen of Ethiopia in the 10th century who ransacked the countryside, destroyed churches, and attempted to exterminate the members of the previous ruling dynasty. Ahhotep I- an Egyptian Queen of the 16th century BCE. She led an army against the Hyskos, an Asiatic people that had invaded the Egyptian Delta.

And then there are the modern day Warrior Princesses like Harriet Tubman- an abolitionist who served on the front-lines of the Underground Railroad, Sheryl Crow - country music singer, Christina Applegate- movie actress, Olivia Newton John, Carly Simon, Jaclyn Smith, Suzanne Somers, Gloria Steinem, Robin Roberts,  Rachael Ross- a dear friend of mine,  Annie Annis -my mother in law, and me, Bonnie Annis. I'm sure you can think of friends or family you know that could be added to this list. My point is that there are millions of Warrior Princesses out there...those valiantly fighting the war with Cancer. How did these women become Warrior Princesses?  The first thing they did was to understand the problem at hand. Then they came up with a battle plan. The next thing they did was move into action.

Yesterday, I formulated my battle plan. My breast surgeon and I spent almost 2 hours together going over our plan of attack against the enemy Cancer. She drew diagrams and explained which weapon would do what as I sat and listened intently. I've never had a doctor spend as much time with me as Dr. Sroka did! She was amazing. She literally took a huge bomb and diffused it right in front of me. I couldn't help but think this is exactly what the Word of God does to fear.

Have you ever thought about how many times you've worried? Nine times out of ten, the thing you worried about never even happened, but Satan used it to stop you in your tracks or had you paralyzed in the grips of terror. But as you thought about it even more, God would bring a verse of Scripture to mind instantly dispelling your fears. That's exactly what happened to me yesterday. As the surgeon took each piece of the Cancer puzzle and broke it down into bite size pieces, it was as if the huge explosion I expected from the Cancer Bomb fizzled out right in front of me. God reminded me that "no weapon formed against me would prosper." (Isaiah 54:17)

My surgeon in all of her wisdom, used many large medical terms but also diagrams to help turn those huge words into layman's terms. I almost felt like I was back in my Para-Med class in high school listening to a lecture. Of course there were things I didn't quite understand like Oconotyping, KI67 antigens, Her-2/Neu, etc. but I know that she is an expert in her field. She has been to war with Cancer before...she's a seasoned vet! She knows how to plan a sneak attack that will obliterate the enemy.

My plan is certainly different from other Warrior Princesses who've gone into battle. But my plan fits my needs best. In the days ahead, I will have bilateral mastectomies. I'll have several lymph nodes removed from my right arm and if any of those are Cancerous, the rest of them will go too. After more testing is completed (the Oconotype and FISH) we'll know whether we need to pick up the weapons of Chemotherapy, Radiation, Tamoxifen and others. 

The battle rages on inside but we are just about to begin the war. I know that God wants me to be a warrior and not a worrier...therefore, I will pick up the Sword of the Spirit and the Word of Truth and march valiantly into battle. Hear my battle cry! BRING IT ON!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

Shadows

Light and dark...total opposites, but they function so well together don't they? Can you remember how you first learned about the contrast between light and dark? Maybe you were a child on a warm summer night watching as fireflies danced in the distance. Maybe you were afraid of the dark and used a flashlight to peer under your bed. Maybe you loved to make shadow puppets on the wall as you learned that a light in the dark could help you? Wasn't it fun to use your hands and fingers to form all sorts of funny shapes and characters? Light and dark...shadows...

On hot Summer days, I always enjoy late afternoon the best. While I enjoy sitting out in the warmth of the sun, it can get pretty toasty in South Georgia! As the sun moves across the sky, shadows begin to fall. If I'm sitting out on my little porch, I'll often move my chair so that it sits in the deep shadow of a tall pine tree. Just being in the shadow for a few minutes can provide a nice drop in temperature. Shadows never stay the same. They're always moving and changing, shifting with the sun. The comfort that we seek from the shadow's shade is temporary at best. Shadows make very fickle friends.

While some shadows provide much needed escape from the hot summer sun, others are not so kind. Just a week ago, I saw a shadow that evoked fear and dread in my heart. The shadow was a foreboding one, the darkness on an ultrasound screen. This shadow was not my friend. This shadow was the dreaded enemy Cancer. This shadow will not move unless it is forced to leave by a surgeon's knife.

But there is another shadow I'd like to tell you about. This shadow is one that never shifts, never, moves, never changes. This shadow is compassionate, merciful, holy, and just. This shadow is completely filled with love. What kind of shadow is this, you ask? It's the shadow of the Almighty God.

In Psalm 91, we read "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the SHADOW of the Almighty." This shadow is one that I long to abide in every day of my life. The shadow of the Almighty provides protection, security, and comfort. This shadow never changes with the passing of hours, days or years.

Today I'll meet with my breast surgeon. She's going to show me that menacing shadow again, the one I first saw last week. We'll discuss how best to eliminate that shadow from my breast. Of course, I'll trust her judgment because she's a well trained medical professional and has experience dealing with shadows like this on a daily basis. As we pour over lab results, mammogram films, ultrasound images, and pathology notes, I'll be basking in the warmth of my Savior's light while at the same time, resting in His shadow. Of course the doctor won't have a clue, but Jesus knows and as His protective shadow falls over me, I will lift up my eyes with thanks knowing that He is always the shade at my right hand. The sun will not harm me by day nor the moon by night as the Bible says in Psalm 121. I will remember that He who watches over me will not slumber or sleep. He will keep me from all harm and watch over my life. Nothing is ever a surprise to Him, even if it is to me. He has numbered my days and I know that I can trust Him with my future. Isn't it amazing how shadows disappear in the presence of a very bright light? I'm just watching and waiting for that glow to appear today...I know it's coming!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

Putting on my armor

Most of the people who know me, know I'm a very visual person. I learn best through visual analogies and often give them to my family and friends as I try to explain myself. With this in mind, I have visualized my body as being invaded by the enemy Cancer. Since I can physically feel the tumor, I know it's there and I know it doesn't belong. That tumor has dug in deep and has made a home in MY territory.

In our lives, most of us can pick and choose which battles we want to fight. We are the ones who get to decide whether or not we want to put forth the energy to wage war. Battles can come in the form of family drama, emotional turmoil, workplace situations, or physical challenges. We can choose to fight those battles or run away from them. In the case of Cancer however, that battle CHOOSES us. If we don't fight it, we will ultimately lose.

Fighting a battle requires knowledge of the enemy and his tactics. In the case of family drama, one can often predict the outcome of the situation. Emotional turmoil can often be curtailed by shutting down or tuning out. Workplace situations can often be diffused by those with power to intervene. Physical challenges are different. It's often difficult to predict what the enemy of disease will do, even for trained physicians. Most of them can only make calculated guesses and work on a trial and error basis.

Cancer is a difficult foe. It can mutate and grow with no warning. It affects each person in very different ways. Although Cancer is a formidable foe, it can be eradicated. There are many weapons available to wage the war on Cancer. Chemotherapy, Radiation, Surgery, and Medication are some of the tools available today. Those tangible weapons are powerful indeed, but the most powerful weapon of all is the mind.

A diagnosis of Cancer immediately invokes fear. The fear comes from facing the unknown. Fear is one of the most favorite weapons our enemy, Satan, chooses. He chooses it because he knows that if he can get us to embrace that fear; he's already won half of the battle. Our mind is the battlefield. We wage war on a daily basis as thoughts invade our minds. This is why it's so important to "take every thought captive..." as it says in 2 Corinthians 10:5.

On Thursday, June 5, 2014, I received my diagnosis of Breast Cancer. The Doctor of Radiology was very blunt in delivering the information and immediately I felt an overwhelming fear in my heart. That fear was a fear of the unknown...a fear of impending doom...a fear of death. As a firm believer in Jesus Christ, I know that the fear was something that was not from God. How do I know this? I know this because the Bible tells me that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind. So what do you think I did when I felt that fear rising up inside of me? Naturally, in the flesh, I allowed it a few days to creep in and settle down. Then, I was reminded of God's Word and I immediately put on my spiritual armor and stood firm! I told myself that enough is enough!

Reinforcements came alongside me through my new nurse navigator, who called yesterday to tell me in no uncertain terms was I alone. She assured me that she would be with me every step of the way on this journey. She provided me with a 24 hour cell phone number and told me that I could call with anything...yes, anything that concerned me. I've also had family and friends step up, linking arms with me as we prepare to battle. They've given me more love and encouragement than I ever expected.

Tomorrow, I march forward. I'll be going to meet with the breast specialist, a well trained surgeon. We'll lay out the maps of my biopsies and mammograms. We'll talk strategy and prepare for war! I know too that God will be right there with me because He's promised in His Word to never leave or forsake me. He's also given me clear instruction "Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice."

Trudging into enemy territory is scary for any soldier. It's easy for me to say that I feel strong since I haven't yet begun the physical battle but, do I feel well equipped for the war ahead, YES! Am I confident that I will be victorious..YES! No matter the outcome, I know that God has already gone before me and prepared the way...He's the forward guard.  As I lift my foot and prepare to set it down firmly on the battlefield, I'm confident that this war will be won valiantly...not by me, but by my Savior, Jesus Christ. All I can say at this point is LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!

©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

[Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). 2 Corinthians 10:5 Amplified Bible

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 Amplified Bible 

 Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6 Amplified Bible

Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.Isaiah 41:10 Amplified Bible

Let it go

The popular children's movie, Frozen, has prompted mothers, fathers, people of all kinds to make cute videos singing one of the key songs from the movie, "Let it go." While I've never seen the movie, nor listened to the entirety of the song, the title has special meaning to me.

Since receiving my diagnosis of Breast Cancer last Thursday, I have struggled. I've cried a thousand tears, I've questioned God, I've tried to understand why I have this invasive disease tearing away at my body. I've read many informative articles on the internet and have done all that I can to become informed and knowledgeable. I've spent the past few nights tossing and turning as the zillions of "what if" questions poured through my mind...will my husband still love me when I have a disfigured body, will my hair fall out, will I experience a lot of pain, will I die. All of those questions are important to have answered but the most important one I've struggled with is why. So, I asked God and this is the answer I received...

I did not receive the gift of Cancer for any reason other than for God's glory. Did you catch that I said the "gift of Cancer"? I'm choosing to call it a gift because I know that God is going to use it in my life to do several things. The first thing He's going to use it for is to teach me to FULLY trust Him in all things. I've prayed for years for Him to deepen my faith...and I'm sure that this is part of the answer to that prayer. He's also going to use it to allow me to minister His love to others. How do I know this? Because if I am able to glorify Him during the midst of my suffering, then I'm sure others will see that God is good. Even when trials come and when difficulties enter our lives, we can CHOOSE to either let go and trust God or we can choose to struggle on our own.

Have you ever seen a drowning person in the midst of a deep blue sea...flailing their arms about, screaming for someone to come and help them? When the rescuer comes, with life vest in tow, the drowning person frantically thrashes about. Grabbing at the rescuer, the drowning person almost takes down the very person who came to help. Often times, the rescuer will actually have to knock the drowning victim out to get them to relax and allow help to occur. God showed me today that this is exactly where I am. I've been thrashing about, struggling to understand why, fighting with all that is within me to keep from drowning. Why have I been doing this when all I've had to do is reach up and take His mighty hand?

Today I've chosen to "let it go" as the Frozen song says. I'm choosing to just rest in God's love knowing that none of this was a surprise to Him. It's hard to fathom that even before I was conceived in my mother's womb, He knew that this day would come. I'm so thankful that I did not know it before last Thursday!

I'm not going to say that this journey won't be difficult for me; I know it will be. But how I face the journey is up to me. If I choose to walk the path in my own strength, I will slip deep into the deep blue sea sinking into the unknown. If I choose to take God's mighty hand and trust Him to lead me through, I know I will rise above the raging waters of this nasty sea of Cancer and I will survive. If I can bring glory to God during my journey by being obedient and relying on Him, then I'll know that His gift of Cancer has been for my benefit. The choice is up to me and I choose life. I CHOOSE to let it go. I am going to choose to praise God in this storm. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

Praise you in the Storm - Casting Crowns video

Modesty out the window?

June 8, 2014

In elementary school, I think I was in about the 4th grade, all of my girl friends began developing their breasts. My parents always used to tease me and tell me that I was "flat as a board." I admit, I was a little slower than most at developing, but I'll never forget the day my mother brought home a new bra for me. "It's a training bra" she said. A training bra, what the heck was that, I wondered? Do your boobs have to be trained? I didn't really know. This little "training bra" was a stretchy lace strip of fabric with two shoulder straps that hooked in the back. It would cover the "girls" and help me feel a little less self conscious.  I was so proud of that little bra and the next day at school, couldn't wait to tell my friends that I'd gotten one. In the restroom, one of my friends was taking toilet paper and wadding it up to stuff into her training bra. I watched amazed as she instantly went from a no cup to a B cup. "Try it" she said and I did. I had a hard time adjusting my toilet paper boobs and inevitably one was bigger than the other. I'd take out the paper and readjust it until I got it right. Hurriedly, I worked to manipulate them into place. We laughed as we went back to class and sat down.  We wore our "falsies" all through class and right before time to go home, we'd yank them out so our mothers wouldn't know.

When I was in the eighth grade in  high school, all the girls had to "dress out" for P.E. I never wanted anyone to see me and I'd always find an excuse to run into the bathroom and change. I've always been a very modest person and have always tried my best to keep myself covered even at visits to the doctor's office. But when you have Breast Cancer, it doesn't matter how hard you try... modesty goes out the window.

The day I went in for my very first mammogram, I knew I was going to be embarrassed to death. I dreaded it and made every excuse I could not to go. My mother encouraged me to go, "you need to get a baseline done when you turn 40," she said. I did not want to have to "bare it all" especially in front of someone I'd never met before. I know what you're thinking...those medical personnel are trained to have the attitude "if you've seen one, you've seen them all" but my breasts were mine. I didn't want anyone else to see them.

When the nurse took me back to the dressing room and showed me where the gowns were, I was so thankful I would have an opportunity to cover up. The nurse told me to be sure and put the gown on with the opening in the front. Of course I've always been obedient so I did as I was told. There were several ribbons to tie up the opening and I fastened every single one of them.When she came to get me and take me to the mammogram room, she looked at me and laughed. I must have made a questioning face because she immediately commented, "well, I've never seen anyone tie themselves up as well as you have, dear!" "Oh great, now she thinks I'm a prude!"

I followed her into the exam room and she tells me to untie the ribbons and expose myself. Now you'd have to know me to understand exactly how uncomfortable I was at that very moment. I decided that the only way I was going to get through this was to pretend that I wasn't standing there in the room in the presence of a total stranger with my boobs hanging out. So I tried to think of my favorite camping spot on Cumberland Island. I fixed my mind on the grand Oak trees and shady Spanish Moss. It worked for a second or two but then she was right next to me.

She explained that she had to place my breast in various positions and then she would be lowering the clear plastic plates down and tightening them in place until she got the best image of my breast. I was even more uncomfortable as she lifted my breast up and moved it into position. I made a point of not looking down at what she was doing because I didn't want to see, and I didn't want her to know how embarrassed I was as she proceeded. I couldn't wait for that experience to be over and vowed never to go get a mammogram again.

There have been many cartoons drawn about the painful experiences of mammograms. I think someone has said that if you wanted to know what a mammogram felt like to go stand in front of the refrigerator, open the door and slam it on your boob several times. That's a pretty accurate description! I've never felt as much pain in my life. First to be totally humiliated by having to stand naked from the waist up in front of a stranger, then having your boobs squashed into pancakes first vertically and then horizontally and then...at 90 degrees!

Needless to say, my modesty went out the window after the fourth mammographer had done her thing and then the ultrasound tech got a chance to do hers. When the radiologist came in to talk to me about the results, I was totally over it. Here was another stranger, and this time a man, who was getting a sneak peak at my breasts. For heaven's sake! Must I abandon all hope of dignity?

You'd think after all of that I could just "whip" them out for any old medical staff, now wouldn't you? But I'm still modest. I still cover myself as much as I can and hope the staff will respect my need for privacy. I know they have to do their job and I don't want to hinder them, but please!

Maybe you think I'm being childish and maybe I am, but couldn't we just try to keep things under wraps? I've never been one for indecent exposure and I'm not about to start now!  I wish I was back in the fourth grade, getting adjusted to my new training bra. That beautiful little lace slip of fabric would feel so nice in my hands right about now. But then again, I may find myself back in a training bra soon. The doctors are talking about mastectomy and if I have to have that done, I won't be wearing a prosthetic. I'll just be flat as a pancake once again and this time, I'll wear the badge of courage instead. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved