True Friends

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day without thinking about my upcoming surgery and what a blessing that was to me! Two very dear friends, Margot and Steve Lane, came to spend the day with me. We enjoyed a nice visit, lunch at a local Thai restaurant, and a little shopping. I am so thankful for their friendship because they helped me relax and really enjoy the day.

Margot is hilarious! She always finds the funniest things to say or do that make me laugh. Her positive outlook on life is infectious. She's not only a very special friend of mine, she's also my sister in Christ. We share a special bond for which I am truly grateful.

Steve is very soft spoken and gentle. He is a profound thinker and when he speaks, he chooses his words carefully.  His British accent gives a wonderful charm to his comments and he can make anything sound interesting!

Before Margot and Steve arrived, I worried that they may ask me questions about the Cancer and the upcoming surgery. I was so emotional and I was really hoping not to have to face a barage of questions. Thankfully, they never asked one question unless I opened the door first.

Margot and Steve are true friends. They are friends who have managed to look past the horror of a Cancer diagnosis. Yes, they clearly understood I was going through a difficult time and didn't really feel up to chatting. They never made me feel like I needed to answer endless questions. They didn't make me feel like I had to put on a face of happiness to hide how I really felt inside. They had come simply because they truly loved and cared about me. When they left, I felt very encouraged.

I am so thankful for true friends...friends who can love me even when I'm not lovely. Without friends, the valley of Cancer would be a very lonely place to be. I'm so thankful that God created the gift of friendship so we can enjoy being in each others presence.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I am weak

I'll admit it. I am weak. Although I long to be strong, and as a child of God I should be, sometimes I find that I am very weak. Cancer has helped me see just how weak I am. Wouldn't you think I'd be able to laugh through my tiredness and keep my emotions in control at all times? After all, my strength is supposed to come from the Lord, isn't it?

I've been reading a lot in the book of Paul lately. My suffering seems so trivial compared to what he endured. He was mobbed, jailed, beaten, deprived of food and sleep, and endured three shipwrecks. But even in the midst of all of those things, he was able to say he was most happy to be proud of his weaknesses so that he could feel the strength and protection of the Lord over him.

There's nothing about my weakness, my tiredness, my pain, or my emotional mood swings that makes me proud. I have realized though that people will only see me as a strong woman if they can understand how difficult this journey really is for me. If I go through surgery and treatments without ever talking about how hard it is, or if I never share my emotions with them; they won't see all that God is doing in my life. When they see my tears of depression slip out in the midst of a normal day, when they see a forced smile in the midst of pain, then and only then can they marvel at the strength God has given me. When they hear me admit my weakness yet still continue on, they can praise God for my persistence.

There is truth to Paul's words. When I admit I am weak, then I can boast. But I am not boasting in my own abilities...only in the strength God has given me to press on. I hate the weakness that Cancer has brought into my life. But during this trial, as I've surrendered to God and trusted Him, I've learned to appreciate His strength. I've learned to appreciate the love and support of those around me.

Thank you, God, for showing me that it's okay for me to be weak because when I am weak, You are strong. Help me use my admission of weakness to point others to You.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"So fto keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,1 ga thorn was given me in the flesh, ha messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 iThree times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, j“My grace is sufficient for you, for kmy power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that lthe power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 mFor the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For owhen I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

^"4 In fact, in everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God.
We patiently endure suffering and hardship and trouble of every kind." 2 Corinthians 6:4

The Avalanche begins

I just got a call from the pre-registration department of the hospital. After playing 20 questions, the guy on the phone says (in one long unbroken breath) "you'll need to pay your remaining deductible and that's $486.17, how would you like to pay that?" I paused and told him we weren't expecting to have to pay that right now. He said "you can set up payment arrangements with the front desk upon check in." Wow!

The medical bills have already started rolling in and I haven't even had my surgery yet! How does anyone afford Cancer? We just received a bill from the hospital last week for the pathology and lab work in the amount of $580.00. Thankfully my husband does have insurance and they should pay 80% of the upcoming medical bills but there are no guarantees. Insurance companies drop Cancer patients every day along with people suffering from other long term illnesses.

I'm not a proponent of socialized medicine or "Obamacare" but what do people do when they have no way to pay for their medical bills? Do they just claim medical bankruptcy? Do they self treat at home? Do they forego treatment all together? Do they set up minimum payments on long term payment plans that could last for a decade or more?

It's sad that Cancer patients have to have the added stress of medical bills in conjunction with all the other stressors they face on a daily basis. There should be concessions that hospitals and insurance companies could make to help alleviate some of the monetary burden upon patients. It's hard enough to deal with the agony of a devastating medical diagnosis, surgery, treatments, pain, emotional turmoil and then on top of all that have to deal with medical woes...it's enough to kill a person. Maybe that's what they're trying to do to keep from having to pay out large claims...HMMMM????

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stormy Seas

I was reading Mark 4:35-41 today. I've read those verses many times before but something was different today. The disciples are with Jesus and he asks them to go with him on a journey. He invites them to climb into his boat and go across the sea with him. As they are going out into the water, the winds start to whip and the waves get bigger. A full-fledged storm is brewing and it's no ordinary storm...it's Hurricane strength! What does Jesus do? He goes into the stern of the boat, lays His head down on a leather cushion and falls asleep. The boat starts taking on water as the disciples become more and more afraid. They are in FULL FREAK OUT MODE and decide that it's time to wake Jesus up.

I can just picture them shifting their weight in the boat and deciding which one of them is going to be the one to wake Jesus. I imagine whoever was elected was frantically shaking Jesus by the shoulder trying to rustle Him from a deep sleep. As soon as Jesus awakens, He immediately stands up. I can almost see the look on the disciples face as they rapidly blurt out through fear filled hearts "don't you care that the boat is sinking? We're going to DIE! What are you going to do about it??? Help us, NOW!" Of course, those weren't their exact words but I'm sure it was something close to that.

And what does Jesus do... He commands the sea to "be still" and instantly, the waves cease and the water is calm. He speaks to the wind and says "quiet." The wind immediately stills and a perfect hush settles around the boat.  Just as the disciples' hearts stop pounding in their chests, Jesus looks at them and says "Why are you so full of fear, don't you have any faith?" The disciples then look around at each other wondering who this man is that the wind and sea obey him.

The disciples KNEW Jesus. They had been with him long enough to watch him perform miracles and yet, they were scared to death on the sea even though He was right there in the boat with them! I wondered why they were so afraid.

On June 5, when the Doctor of Radiology called me with the pathology report, I immediately became fearful. The first thing I could think was this is my death sentence. Although I knew that Jesus was right there with me while I was on the phone, I chose to let fear overwhelm me. I couldn't see Jesus right there with me, but I knew in my heart He was there. The disciples on the other hand could SEE Jesus. They could see Him lying there asleep on the pillow in the back of the boat...and yet, they chose to let fear overtake them.

Why are we so quick to allow fear into our lives? Why is it such an easy emotion to accept? I am a person of faith and I consider myself to have a strong faith, so why then did I react the way I did when I received that fateful call? Jesus asked the same thing of the disciples when he said "why are you so full of fear, don't you have any faith?"

Have you ever held a mustard seed in your hand? They are so tiny. Jesus says in the Bible that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed that we can say to a mountain MOVE and it will be moved into the sea. I've always thought that I had at least that much faith, but do I really? Why is faith so hard to grasp?

Faith requires that we trust in something we can't see. Faith calls us to let go of every ounce of fear inside of us and when we do, we find something amazing happening...we find that there's a peace to the inner storm of turmoil in our lives. Just like Jesus commanding the sea and the wind, there's instant stillness. Faith and trust go hand in hand and without them, fear slides in and rocks the boat.

I'm not saying that the diagnosis of Cancer is an easy one to accept because that's far from the truth, but as a Christian, there's no reason to allow fear to take control of my ship. My Navigator is Jesus Christ and though He may allow me to sail through some stormy seas in the days ahead; He's my compass...my TRUE NORTH. I know that I can trust Him even when I can't see Him. And yes, I'm sure there are going to be moments when I find myself feeling fearful but I know that even if my boat is rocking on tumultuous seas all I have to do is call on Jesus and He'll calm the waters immediately.What a comfort to know that I don't have to go through anything that constitutes a personal storm without God always being in control. Help me, Lord, to remember that storms cease more quickly when I trust in You!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

Thankful Thursday

Since my Cancer diagnosis, I've been seeing the world through new eyes. Even the little things in life are amazing! So every Thursday, I'm going to share the things for which I'm thankful.

•  I was awakened by the sound of birds chirping. They do this every morning but today they sounded especially sweet. Just a little while later, the sun began to shine through my window and I was thankful for the right to see it rise again. Little things.

• I received a Facebook message from a new found "Pink Sister." She wanted to share helpful tips and information with me. Can you believe that? A complete stranger! She also offered to come to my house and bring me items that would help me during my surgery and recovery period. She wanted to "pay forward" the kindnesses that someone had paid to her during her treatment. 

•  I received a Facebook message from my Aunt telling me that she loves me and she's praying for me. I'm so thankful for the love and prayers of others. 

• The mail lady drove up my driveway because she had a package to deliver. I hadn't seen a soul all day so I went out to talk with her. She stayed in my driveway and we talked for about 15 minutes about my health and she offered to do anything she could for me in the days ahead. I'm thankful for new friends!

• Two of my children called today to check on me and they've made a special point to do this every day. I feel so loved!

• My brother set up Skype so I could "visit" with my mother who's in a nursing home. Isn't technology grand?

• A sweet friend sent me a picture of herself wearing a Breast Cancer shirt and said she was wearing it for me! I felt so honored!

•  Another dear friend said she'd like to be at the hospital with me when I had my surgery. I was so touched!

•  Hubby is going to stop by the salon on his way home from work to pick up some styling wax for my hair new do. He's so sweet to run errands for me! I am so blessed!

God gives me so many things to be thankful for each day. Little things aren't so little anymore when you look at them through the eyes of Cancer. I hope you know how much I appreciate those of you who are taking time to read my blog too! Blogging has been cathartic for me and has helped me deal with a vast array of emotions. Be good to yourself and be thankful. Today is a gift...use it wisely.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

God is God and I am not

For days and days, I've felt all alone in this battle against Cancer. I've been searching for someone to talk to and understand what I'm going through. Sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out. Other times I want to kick and scream. And of course, I keep wondering why me.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, God pointed me to the book of Job (pronounced with a long O sound not like the word job), chapters 38-39. If you're not familiar with it, in a nutshell Job was a very wealthy man who loved the Lord and praised Him daily. Satan asked God if everything was taken away from Job, would Job still love and worship Him. So God gave Satan permission to do anything he wanted to do to Job except kill him. Satan had a field day. He destroyed Job's family, took away all of his wealth, and made him physically ill. At first, Job praised God anyway and said "the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away" but as the destruction on his life continues, Job becomes tired of fighting. He begins to ask God why...why was he even born!

God in His power and might answers Job in a way Job did not expect. He tells Job that He is going to question him and He (God) is going to demand that Job answer Him. He starts out asking Job where he was when He (God) created the earth. Then He asks Job who laid out boundaries for the ocean waters. He then asks "Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?" On and on the questions come. In essence, God was telling Job that He was God and Job was not. He had allowed Job to suffer and He had allowed it for a purpose. 

I thought about those chapters in the book of Job and how they could apply to me right now. God seemed to be shouting at me, "this is what I want you to understand! You haven't done anything wrong, you've done nothing to deserve this disease, but I've allowed it for my purposes." Okay, okay! I get it God! It's not for me to understand and I won't ask why any longer. I'll just accept the fact that you've chosen to take me through this for a special reason. I may never understand the reason until I can look back and see what you were doing. I may never understand it at all, but I will accept your sovereign will in my life. After finally accepting the fact that God's allowing this into my life, I can relax a little. I don't have to worry and wonder any more. I can rest just knowing that He's got it all figured out.

I've been overwhelmed with the love and support I've received over the past few days. God has been using others to minister His love to me. Complete strangers have wrapped their arms tightly around me and comforted me. Oh they haven't been by my side physically, but through the magic of the internet, I've met thousands of new sisters who are either in the beginning, in the middle, or in the end stages of Cancer. Each one of them have been willing to "pay it forward" to newbies like me.

Cancer comes with a million unanswered questions and the "Pink Sisterhood" are a wealth of information when it comes to finding answers. Through Facebook groups like "Breast Cancer Survivors," "Breast Cancer Champions," "Christian Women Living with Cancer" and others, I've found women who are willing to be open and honest and raw about their journeys. They don't belittle me for asking "dumb" questions. They answer truthfully and candidly.

One of the ladies lives in the Atlanta area and has even offered to come visit me and bring me things that she used during her surgical recovery period. Isn't it amazing that a complete stranger would be willing to come and talk with me? Isn't it generous of her to be willing to give me helpful tips and advice to make my journey a little easier? I think so!From what I've learned so far from these ladies, once they've made it to the "other side of Cancer" they are so filled with gratitude, they just feel an overwhelming need to "pay it forward." Right now, I'm on the receiving end but hopefully, in the very near future, I'll be on the giving end.

Reading their stories gives me hope. One thing I've seen throughout each of their journeys is a strong desire to live and the will to fight. Very rarely do you read about a woman diagnosed with Cancer who just rolls over and gives up. Usually, they put up their dukes, crawl into the ring and start punching! It doesn't matter how many times they get knocked down; they somehow manage to get up again. And they keep on fighting until either Cancer deals the final blow or they kick Cancer's butt. I think God gives women an extra dose of courage, strength, wisdom, and patience when He creates them. Afterall, how could we make it in the world today without those?

I am thankful that God is God and I am not! I wouldn't want to have all the responsibilities that He has holding the stars in place, keeping the oceans in their boundaries...listening to all those prayers! Whenever I don't understand why He's allowing something into my life, I have to remember that when I can't see His hand, I can trust His heart. And that's enough for me. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Countdown

Don't you just love going to the Play Store and downloading Apps? I do! I'm always looking for a useful application to put on my cell phone. A while back, I found a great one, thanks to the advice of my son, called the Final Countdown. It's an application that allows you to set a specific date for an event and then the App will do a second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, countdown to your event. It's really cool and I love watching the red digital numbers clicking away.

This morning, I was looking at my App and an event that I had programmed into it.  I'd programmed in the date of my bilateral mastectomy. The little clock is screaming out  It's only 15 days now until I have my surgery. I can look back at another event and see it's been exactly 19 days since I received the news that I have Breast Cancer.  That App is a good one to have, especially when you have an event you're looking forward to attending but in my case, not so much. Maybe it's just my imagination, but the mass feels like it's gotten larger. I can't help thinking that the Cancer is continuing to grow and multiply inside me while I wait to have it cut out. In my mind, I can see the cells mutating. I can see them just as clearly as if I were back in Biology class looking at a Petri dish under microscopic magnification.

I remember when I was in high school. One of my favorite classes was Biology. My professor, Mr. Wing, was a nerdy little guy with glasses and a beard but he was a good teacher. He loved seeing his students reaction when they witnessed something they'd never seen before. I know I brought him a lot of joy because I was amazed at almost everything we learned in his class!

Peering into the lens of the microscope and watching microorganisms swimming around in a droplet of water was fascinating to me. I loved studying about DNA, cell replication, and cell mutation. I wanted to go into the medical field after I completed high school. To me, Science was a very broad and open field of study with so many different choices in which to specialize. I thought about starting out as a Registered Nurse or even a Paramedic, but never dreamed of Oncology...never gave a thought to studying Cancer.

When you're diagnosed with Breast Cancer, after you get past the initial shock of the diagnosis, you become a specialist in your field very quickly. You become obsessed with wanting to quickly gather as much information about the disease as possible. You feel a need to know. In some small way, the more knowledge you glean, the more control you feel. On the other hand, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. The internet is full of wonderful, helpful information but it's also full of fallacies and misinformation. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the two.

I've tried hard to gather information that will prove helpful to me. Just like a soldier choosing weapons for an upcoming battle, I'm trying to choose the ones that will prove most powerful and effective. I've been studying about diet and how it can change and affect the outcome of the growth of Cancer. I've been studying about the effects of stress and the power of positive thinking. I've been learning any and everything that may or may not give me a better chance at beating this disease in conjunction with the medical treatments my doctor deems necessary. I'm finding myself to be more determined than ever to live and live as long as I possibly can live. It's funny, but until Cancer found me, I never really gave much thought to my life or how long I might live.

It's not easy knowing that Cancer cells are inside me right now growing and multiplying although they probably aren't growing as rapidly as I might think. Even though I want them out of me immediately, the scientist side of me wants to see them and understand them. I want to know what caused me to get Cancer. How long has it been growing deep inside of me? And what would have happened had I never discovered it hiding there? Most data on the internet says that by the time we actually feel a lump, the Cancer has been growing for 8-10 years! That is hard for me to fathom.

As I continue to wait for my surgery, I'm trying hard not to think about how many Cancer cells are dancing around inside me. It's hard knowing they're having a closed door party and I wasn't invited to attend. But soon, I'm going to offer them a special "chemo cocktail" that's going to knock their socks off! I can just picture it...just like spraying a can of Raid onto a big hill of red ants...they're going to fall over dead in their tracks.  There will be no more replication, no more mutation, no more Cancer cells of any kind....at least that's what I'm hoping for...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved