Tell All Tuesday...

It's been almost 2 weeks since I had my double mastectomies performed and some of my lymph nodes removed. It's been a rough road, I'll admit. The first few days after surgery were really difficult. I was in a lot of pain and if it weren't for the pain pills, I don't know if I would have been able to get through it. I felt like I had a tight band wound around my chest and the drainage tubes were pulling and tugging constantly. Any movement with my arms was challenging. I've been walking around the house looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! You don't realize how much you count on your chest muscles until you can't use them. I've had to learn to rely on my leg muscles a lot! Sometimes, I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex...you know, the dinosaur with little tiny arms and big muscular legs? But I have made a little progress.

This week, I've worked hard to move my arms as much as possible. Since the muscles, tissues, and nerves were cut, it's really hard to do. At least now, I can raise my arms up just enough to wash my hair. I am unable to raise my hands above my head though and I can't lift anything over a pound or two. Trying to pick anything up off of the floor is next to impossible. I'm thankful I have one of those grabber tools because it's really come in handy! I can use it to take one or two pieces of clothing out of the washer and put them into the dryer until the entire load is ready to dry. Then, I use it again to remove the clothing, a few pieces at a time, from the dryer. Determination is the key!

I do my best to cook nutritious meals but they have definitely been lacking. I'm having to sacrifice quality for convenience. Phil is used to me calling him to come help me reach something from a high shelf or remove something from the oven. It would be so nice to have friends or family nearby who could bring a meal or two now and then, but we'll make do!

The housework I do is minimal. The doctor told me I can't do any pushing or pulling, so that means no vacuuming. Sweeping, dusting, and cleaning bathrooms is about all I can manage; but even with those, I have to sit down and rest in the middle of doing anything.This is very unlike me and has taken me a while to accept. My doctor reminds me constantly that I've been through major surgery and it's going to take my body time to heal.

I haven't been out of the house other than to walk down to the mailbox yesterday. That walk just about did me in! If you've seen my driveway, you'd understand why. I try to walk inside the house every day. They don't tell you that after you've had major surgery, your insides decide to slow down and need help remembering what to do. Without going into detail, let me just emphasize the importance of adding fiber to your diet after this type of surgery.

I love to be on the computer, but it's been a challenge in and of itself. My arms go numb as I type so I've had to use a program called Dragon Dramatically Speaking to assist me in keeping my blog up to date and in daily correspondence. I'm thankful programs like this exist for the physically challenged.

Physical hygiene has been another challenge. I can barely manage a shower by myself and Phil has to help me dry off and get dressed afterwards. I'm so thankful he's willing to help me! I don't know what people who live alone do in situations like this.

I haven't been able to sleep well since surgery. I'm a side sleeper and there's no way I can sleep on my side now. I'm having to learn to sleep on my back with massive amounts of pillows to prop me up. I have to keep my arms elevated above my heart so I won't get Lymphedema.

Even with all these daily physical challenges, I look for things for which to be thankful! I know my challenges are temporary. There are so many people who can't say that. It's so easy for us to take things for granted until we can't do them.

Small goals get me through the day. This week, one of my goals was not having to take any pain medication all day long. The first few days, I made it until around 6pm at night before having to give in. I'm hoping today, I won't have to take any. I was told that the pain medication is not only to relieve my pain but will also allow my body to heal faster. I'm hoping to be able to hold a book in a few days without my arms hurting and my fingers going numb. By month's end, I'm hoping my arms will be strong enough to hold my camera again. I have missed taking photographs.

On August 7, I will meet with the Oncologist to discuss my treatment plan and then on the 13th, I'll meet with the Radiologist. So many tests, so much ahead of me...but I press on.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

His eye is on the sparrow, Part 2

If you haven't already read "His eye is on the sparrow," my earlier post for today, please read it first before continuing on with reading this post. It's important to me that you get a very clear picture of what God is doing in my life and how He is providing each step of the way.

(continued from my earlier post today) That little lone egg in the nest had been abandoned because something was wrong with it. Either it hadn't been fertilized or it was damaged in some way. As I looked at that little egg, I thought of myself. I was damaged now. I had Cancer. But there was something different about that little egg and I. His parents had flown away and left him all alone to rot and decompose. Although my body was now scarred from surgeries to remove both of my breasts and my lymph nodes; Cancer was still running rampant in my body. My Heavenly Father had not chosen to leave me alone. My journey was just beginning. He was going to teach me to fly!

Evidence of that fact came today, when I received a telephone call from the Genomic Health project. My breast surgeon had given me advance notice that they would be calling because she had ordered a test to be performed on my recent tissue samples. The test, called an Oncotype DX, is performed on patients with invasive breast cancer to help predict chemotherapy benefits and the likelihood of distant breast cancer recurrence.This test is not covered by all insurance companies. The test costs $4500.00. As the screener for the test asked me many personal questions, she was very softspoken and kind. She allowed me to speak and ask questions. She informed me that our insurance company did not find this test to be a medically necessary test but they would be willing to pay 80% of it. 20% of $4500 is $810. All I could think was oh boy, another bill to add to our ever growing mountain of medical expenses. I must have breathed out a gasp when she told me our insurance company didn't think it was necessary because she immediately said, "now don't worry. If you fall under a certain income, you will not have to pay a penny of this expense." She asked me if our household income fell under $78,000 and I explained to her that it did indeed because my husband was the only one working. She then told me that we met the criteria and we would not owe anything for this test. I immediately started to cry and to thank her. After we hung up, all I could do was say "Thank you, Jesus!"

As I kept praising God for His provision, I was reminded of a verse in Isaiah 41 verse 10. This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, but today, it was even more so. Listen to what it says,  
^" Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice." Amplified version of the Holy Bible

I wasn't at all like that lone little egg in the nest. Yes, sometimes I felt like I was all alone and abandoned but really, I never had been. Although I don't know anything about what lies ahead on this Cancer journey, God does. He's known from before I was even born that He would allow me to travel this road. He's already gone before me and prepared the way. He's already made provisions that I am not even aware of but when it's time, He will reveal them to me. My job is simply to marvel at His mighty power...to rest in His love...to trust Him every step of the way. I feel like I'm on the very cusp of learning something new and exciting, in fact, I think I'm just about ready to fly!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

His eye is on the sparrow

I've always loved birds. They are so fascinating to watch and I love hearing their sweet morning songs. Before I had my surgery, we'd had a little cookout on our patio in back of our house. We'd left our camp chairs folded up out there instead of bringing them into the garage planning to put them away later. A few days passed and I remembered the camp chairs were still outside. It was going to rain and I wanted to bring them in so they didn't get wet. I opened the back door and as I went to pick up my chair, I noticed there was pinestraw sticking out of it. There were no pine trees close to the patio, how did that get there? Before I'd even had time to finish processing my own question, a little house wren flew toward me with a piece of straw in her mouth. Oh, they're building a nest in my chair! I slowly backed through the door and closed it, not wanting to disturb the little bird.

For many days we watched the wren fly to and fro with her beak full of moss, twigs, and straw. Her mate helped supply the bedding too and we enjoyed watching them tag team. I don't know how many trips it took for those little wrens to finally complete the nest, but they did. Whenever I could, I'd slip out the door and take a peek to see how they were progressing. One Saturday morning, as I gently pulled back the cloth arm to the camp chair, I was surprised to see 5 little eggs in the nest! The mother bird was not happy that I was so close to the nest and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was not welcomed.

Mother and Father Wren spent the next week sharing the responsibility of keeping the eggs warm. Now I'm not sure if the father bird actually sat on the nest or if he just brought worms to his mate for dinner, but they were both so attentive and protective. If we even opened the door to the patio, the birds would begin incessantly chirping at us, warning us to get away!

A weekend or two passed and we had family over for a visit. I wanted to show them the nest we'd found in the chair and took my son outside to see it. The mother bird was on the eggs but flew off immediately as we approached. My son, Dave, marveled at the little eggs and stood looking at them for the longest time. I've always encouraged my children to love and appreciate nature since they were very small and marvel at the miracle of life.

When I was in the hospital, I thought about those little birds. I wondered if the eggs had hatched out yet and if they were still in the nest. I had hoped I'd get to see the mother bird teach them to fly. When I got home, I was too weak to walk out there and look at the nest. Days have passed since I even though about it at all because I was preoccupied with my painful recovery.

Today, I was feeling much better and decided to take a peek out at the nest. I was hoping to see little birdie heads peeking out from the nest with wide opened beaks ready for breakfast. When I got to the chair and pulled back the fabric, I was disappointed to find the nest empty except for one lone egg. Oh, that poor little one! I wondered why it didn't hatch. The mother and the father wrens had abandoned it to rot.

As I thought about the lone egg, I was reminded of the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow." The lyrics to the song have always touched my heart. Here are some of them:

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

That lone little egg would never hatch. The mother and father instinctively knew to leave it alone. I am so thankful that even when I feel alone and lonely, I know that God never leaves me.

There are days since my surgery that I've felt very alone. My husband works all day and I have no family or friends that live close by. It's hard to be couped up in the house all day long without seeing anyone. But when I start to feel down or depressed, I pull out my Bible and talk to God. He is a constant companion to me and I know He hears my heart.

If God cares enough about tiny little birds to instill in them the knowledge they need to build nests, care for young, find food, and escape danger, then I know He cares even more for me. He knows everything I need and supplies it before I even ask.

Last night, I was worrying about how I'm going to get back and forth to treatments when I start them. I know that my physical strength will wane and I won't be able to drive myself. Before I'd even voiced that concern to anyone, I received a Facebook message from one of my high school friends, a friend I haven't seen in almost 40 years. She said in her message that she knew I was going to need help in the days ahead and she wondered if she might be able to assist me in any way. If you don't think we have an amazing, caring God, then you don't know my Savior. His love never ceases to amaze me. I know His eye is on the sparrow (or wren in this case) and I know He's watching me.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Scars

Scar: a mark left permanently on the body. Often caused by a burn, wound, or sore that did not completely heal leaving fibrous tissue to replace normal skin.

Do you have scars on your body? Have you ever taken time to count them? I don't think I have many really. I have the scar at the base of my neck where my thyroid gland was removed. I have a scar across my abdomen where my gallbladder was removed. I have a scar across my lower belly where I had a hysterectomy. I have scars on my right leg where the steel pins were inserted. I have scars from burns when I was cooking, scars from having my babies (service stripes of motherhood) and then I have various other small scars from cuts throughout my life. (I’ve always been a bit of a klutz.) And then there are my cancer scars.

I have the typical mastectomy scars,  the two four/five inch incisions on my chest. Then there are the two smaller ones under each arm from the lymph node removals and the drainage tube scars. I try not to think too much about those scars but it's hard to ignore them. I see them every day when I shower or get dressed. They are always there like “silent loud speakers."

Some women say they see their cancer scars as badges of honor. They “wear” them proudly. Their scars represent how much they’ve been through, how hard they’ve “fought." I guess I feel like that too, to some extent. But then again, I’m not so sure. My scars are just there. I don’t feel honored by them. I’m certainly not proud of them. I try my best not to let others see them, but sometimes that can't be helped. This weekend, two of my daughters saw them...not because they wanted to, heaven forbid! Laura had to see them when I went for my post op appointment and the doctor took off the steri-strips and other dressings. I apologized to her afterwards when we were in the car driving home. I know it must have been devastating for her to go through that experience. Then yesterday, Jamie, my youngest daughter had to see them. I needed help changing my bandages and the only way that could be done was to remove my camisole and allow her access to them. Immediately non-stop tears began to flow down my cheeks as she tenderly removed the bandages and replaced them with dry, clean ones. I told her how sorry I was that she had to see my scars. I know how hideous they are and how it must have impacted her to view them. I even try to hide my scars from my husband, because yes, I am more self-conscious now. I have a strange relationship with my scars. Sometimes I choose to see them. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they bother me. Sometime they don’t. I’d much rather they weren’t there. It doesn’t matter anyway. They’re not going anywhere. They are here to stay.

Many breast cancer survivors proudly pose topless, or even in the nude. (You'll never catch me doing that!) They claim to be making a statement of one kind or another. Posing for such pictures or causes takes guts. Showing your scarred body publicly cannot be easy. Kudos to them. I applaud them. I do. They certainly are inspiring to many, including me. But guess what? I am even more inspired by the women (and men) who share about their inner scars; the ones they can’t see, the ones no one sees.

When you think about it, those inner, invisible scars are the ones that often hurt the most. I have deep inner cancer scars that I have yet to share about. In some ways these are the ones that feel most personal, cause the most pain, and are hardest to talk about. These are the scars that take the longest to heal, and perhaps never completely do.

Inner scars, the ones carved deep into your heart and soul...those are the ones caused by verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and hurtful words. Those scars aren't visible to the eye but never the less, they are there. They are very real. Any physical scars you've received in your life have probably healed much more quickly and much more fully than the ones that were seared into your memory forever. We all have scars of some sort. Some are visible and explainable. And some are not.

I know that over time, my scars will become lighter in intensity. The deep red gouges will fade to a lighter shade of pink. They will be less obvious but will never be invisible. They will be a constant reminder of much pain and anguish. And like the scars, the pain and anguish will diminish over time. Right now, the wounds and the pain are fresh and raw. They are constant reminders of the recent trauma my body has been through. But do you know I'm not as concerned about the physical scars as I am about the mental scarring that has taken place.

Satan screams at me that I'm not good enough anymore. That I am damaged goods. That I am ugly. That my husband will no longer find me attractive. He whispers in my ear that something I did caused me to have cancer. Maybe it was the way I was eating, maybe it was something else...he says it was my fault. I can feel him slinking in the corner, waiting and watching for me to fall into depression...to turn the anger in on myself...to cry over what was and now what will never be again. He finds joy in my pain. My faith in God allows me to see and know the way he works and with that knowledge, I am able to combat those lies with truth.

God tells me that yes, I have been through a traumatic ordeal. Yes, my body is red and tender and painful but it will heal in time. He reminds me that though my body is no longer in its original state, that it is still beautiful to Him. He doesn't look upon my body. He looks upon my heart. The scars that are topical don't penetrate His deep abiding love for me and they never will. They don't detract from my spirit. So even though I have a few more scars today than I did yesterday, I'm still okay.  The main thing is that even when I don't feel loveable, He loves me anyway and I'll hold onto that. After all, scars are souvenirs you never lose.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stop it!

I've been through a gamut of emotions since receiving my Breast Cancer diagnosis. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've been depressed. I've been confused, I've been bewildered, I've been numb. I'm sure if I Googled "range of emotions related to Breast Cancer diagnosis" I'd receive a long list of psychological reports and studies that have been created but, I don't have to do that. I've lived through them over the past weeks. Yesterday, I dealt with anger and defeat. Today, I am adopting determination! What, you don't think determination is an emotion? Maybe not. Perhaps determination is just anger with a goal in mind, in any event, I'm headed in that direction.

Determination runs in my family. My mother always said I was very determined. If there were cookies in the jar and I wanted one, even if I'd been told not to touch them, I would figure out a way to reach that jar and grab a cookie. As a child, if you told me I couldn't do something, I went about proving that I could. As an adult, if I was told I couldn't do something, I took on the challenge and found a way to prove the naysayers wrong. I guess you could say the characteristics of determination have been part of my character from the very beginning. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know how to set goals and achieve them.

I see determination in my children, too. When Laura, my middle daughter, was a child, she portrayed her determination in what Dr. James Dobson liked to call a "strong willed child." From the time she was an infant, we knew she was different. Some said she had a big temper and used it to get what she wanted, but I knew she was just determined. She knew exactly what she wanted and she was going to find a way to get it. We used to laugh when she'd kick and scream and cry in frustration at not being able to do what she wanted to do. But her determination has taken her through challenges in life and she's turned out just fine.

This morning, I watched my granddaughter, Heather, as she tried to get the child lock off of my kitchen cabinet door. She shook it and pulled on it, trying her best to figure out a way to make it let go. I could see the determination in her face as her little lip was pulled back and held tight by tiny baby teeth.  Laura looked down at her and said "she's determined to get that thing off!" I smiled knowing that determination indeed has passed from one generation to another. Determination isn't a bad character trait to have, is it?

Like a horse with blinders on, determination has caused me to see the finish line. I see myself headed toward the gate. Today, I'm going to "pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again!" I am determined to get through this Cancer journey and do it well.

My life has suddenly gone from black and white to hi-res color. Instead of focusing on the entire journey ahead, I've decided to live in the moment. A dear friend told me recently that wherever I am, that's where I'll be. She said I need to take a look at my feet and realize that at that very moment in time, I am in that place and nothing but that time and place matter. I have never thought of living life that way before. I've always been a long range planner, a goal setter, a mover and a shaker. Can I learn to live in the moment? I think I can.

As I look down at my feet right now, I see that I am in my office. My feet are firmly planted in the lush carpet of my home. Underneath the carpet is a solid foundation of cement, the slab of my home. Underneath the slab is the beautiful grass covered earth that God created and underneath all of that, is the solid rock of Jesus Christ. He is the only foundation that is unmoveable and unshakeable. No amount of determination can ever change the fact that He holds me firmly in the palm of His mighty hands.

The dog days are over! It's time to move full steam ahead. Determination is going to carry me forward, over, around, under, and through the next stage of my journey. Cancer you may think you've won. You may think you're going to run rampant through my body but I say no! I am going to fight you with everything that is within me. You have no idea what kind of fight I'm going to give you! Radiation, bring it on. Hormone therapy...got that. And if, and when, I'm told I have to have Chemo, well...I'll push through it too.

We are a family of fighters. We are determined. We find a way. I'm not going down without a fight and I'm not going to allow myself to feel defeated again.


****Please watch this hilarious video. It will give you a glimpse into what I'm telling myself as I move on. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward." Philippians 3:14

^"But the firm foundation of (laid by) God stands, sure and unshaken, bearing this seal (inscription): The Lord knows those who are His, and, Let everyone who names [himself by] the name of the Lord give up all iniquity and stand aloof from it." 2 Timothy 2:19

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9-10

Post operative report

Right before Christmas, I was watching the movie, the Family Stone with one of my daughters. We've seen it dozens of times, but this time was different. In the movie, there's a scene were Diane Keaton is lying on her bed with her shirt unbuttoned. She has nothing underneath and as the camera zooms in, you can see an obvious mastectomy scar. Diane takes her husband's hand and slowly moves it toward her chest. With tear filled eyes, she longs to feel his touch again. It's always a very surreal but tender moment in the movie. I've seen that scene many times before but this time, it was almost as if I heard a small voice behind me saying "that's going to be you." Little did I know that indeed, not more than 6 months later, I was the one looking at my scars...

It's been one week and one day since my surgery. Today I went in for my post operative report. I've been anxious about going for this visit because I knew I'd receive the results of my surgical pathology report. The results showed that I have metastatic carcinoma in my sentinel lymph node. While I'm thankful there was no cancer found in the other 5 nodes she biopsied, I was devastated to find out that my cancer is spreading. I guess you'd say I got slapped in the face with reality today. Even after having both breasts removed, I haven't really accepted that I have cancer. Three little words...you have cancer. They are so devastating and change your life in a heartbeat. 

My next step is to see the Oncologist, which will happen in about 2-3 weeks. We are waiting on results from the Oncotype test. That test will reveal how fast the cancer might spread and what types of treatment it will respond to best. I know I will have radiation and need to take Tamoxifen for the next 10 years but I'm not sure about chemotherapy yet. The test results will give us that information. 

As Laura drove me from the doctor's office to pickup my surgical camisoles, all I could think was about how quickly the year is flying by. We're almost at the end of July and soon it will be August. Then Christmas will be right around the corner. As I thought of Christmas, my mind journeyed back to the movie. Diane Keaton has passed away by the time the family celebrates their next Christmas. Will that be what happens to me too? I'm not ready to read how the story of my life ends yet. I'm just feeling very numb right now and trying to process it all. 

Thankful Thursday

It's Thankful Thursday again and time for me to hone in on all the things I've been grateful for this week:

1. My "pinky" sister (a breast cancer survivor), Karen Fedder, came to visit and we forged a great new friendship!

2. I received a pair of "Knitted Knockers." (they are handmade breast implants donated by volunteers who love to knit and want to do something to help breast cancer patients)

3. God has been blessing me through nature:
I was able to watch a mother house wren teach her babies to fly!
I saw several hummingbirds this week.
I watched a young doe as she pranced through my front yard looking for something good to eat.

4. I received a breast casting kit from the "Keep a Breast Foundation" (although I can't use it now, perhaps I can find someone to donate it to in the future)

5. The plumber came to repair our guest bathroom toilet and didn't charge us a thing!

6. Hubby has stepped up and donned his SUPERMAN cape! He's not only pitched in to do the housework, he's become my night in shining armor helping to wash my hair, change my dressings, tuck me into bed, and tell me that I am beautiful every day. *(I'll expound on this at the end of this post so please, please read it!)

7. God reminded me that He wants to give me good and perfect gifts! He is the one who prompts friends to reach out and encourage me. I've had several friends contact me this week through emails, cards, calls, and gifts! I received 3 floral arrangements - one from my daughter, one from a sweet friend from the past, and one from my sister, Sam. I received a lovely edible arrangement, teddy bear, and balloon from an old friend. I received a beautiful journal from my dear friend Wendy Reising.

*****You know you've got a godly husband when he sees the beauty on the inside of you instead of just focusing on the outside appearance. My husband, Phil, can look at me with no makeup on while I'm wearing my pajamas, with bandages all over my chest, drainage hoses sticking out from the top of my shirt, blood filled drainage bulbs dangling in front of me, and still call my name, telling me to look him in the eyes...when I do, he says "do you know you're beautiful?" I lower my head in shame and shake my head no. He comes to stand in front of me and takes my face in both his hands and tells me again to look at him. Our eyes lock and through the tears, I see his sweet face. He is genuine in his love for me. He means every word he's said from the bottom of his heart. Even though I don't feel full of beauty, when I see myself through his eyes, I know I am. I am so blessed and so thankful that God has chosen this man to be by my side forever. I know I can get through anything as long as he is there to encourage, love, and support me. And for that I am very thankful. I'm not only thankful on Thursdays, but thankful every single day of my life.

Please know that God is so good to me and even when things don't seem to be going well, I know that He is orchestrating events for His perfect plan for my life. I pray you will be encouraged today as you struggle with your own journey whatever it may be...know that we can't always trust in our feelings...we have to trust in what we KNOW to be true. God loves us because we are His beautiful children. He has created us for His pleasure. We are to love and serve Him with all our being. Though you can't see Him and you might not be able to always feel His presence, He is with you. He's promised never to leave or forsake us! He loves us with an everlasting love..."The Lord appeared from of old to me [Israel], saying, Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you." Jeremiah 31:3