Snakes and angels

The Albino Cobra loose in a California neighborhood

This morning, on the news, I watched a segment about an albino cobra that was loose in a California neighborhood. An animal control officer said authorities believe the cobra was likely smuggled into the country and belongs to a resident who has been known to keep exotic animals, like snakes, birds and turtles, in a rented house. The cobra, while beautiful, was also very deadly. For some reason, thinking about that cobra prompted me to remember a verse in the Bible.

^"11 For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

¹² They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and cobra; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot." Psalm 91:11-13Amplified Bible (AMP)

Some people don't believe in angels and some people worship angels.While God doesn't want us to worship angels, He does want us to believe they exist. You don't have to see an angel to know they're real. In my life, I've had several encounters with angels. Each of these encounters came during a time where I was either very ill or in desperate need of help. 

In 1970, I was lying in the hospital after just having had my gallbladder removed. I was a very sick thirteen year old. It wasn't normal for a person that young to have gallbladder problems and through a serious of strange circumstances, my gastroenterologist had discovered the problem in the nick of time. While on the operating table, my gallbladder burst allowing poisonous gangrene to spread through my body. The doctor worked quickly to remove the diseased organ from my body and get me on strong antibiotics to save my life. One night, as I lay in the hospital, I was extremely weak and sweating profusely. I felt so badly, I just knew I was going to die. I remember seeing an angel all dressed in white hovering at the foot of my bed. I thought I was hallucinating but I wasn't afraid. I never heard the angel speak audibly to me, but I knew in my heart that everything was going to be okay and that I was going to get better. The next morning, I told my mother about the incident and she just smiled.

In 1991, I was involved in a serious car accident where my right leg was crushed from the knee down. I remember being in my car driving on a two lane road in Gainesville. I had the radio on and was headed home from running an errand in town. The sky grew dark and it began to mist rain. All of a sudden, time seemed to shift into slow motion as I saw a large white pickup truck flying through the air headed straight for me. Amazingly, I wasn't afraid. I remember closing my eyes and calling out the name, "Jesus." When I awoke, there were firemen and medical emergency staff all around my car as they worked to get me out. I was told that it was a miracle I hadn't been killed. I knew it was because angels had guided that truck into a position where only the left front and side of my car were damaged. They had given me the peace to know that even if I'd been killed, it would have been okay. 

I could share experience after experience where God has used angels to help meet needs in my life but they are too numerous to recount here. During great times of grief, they've been there to hold me up. During times I've needed protection, they've been with me. Sometimes, God's allowed me to see angels in the sweet faces of strangers. Those angels unawares have impacted my life in small but profound ways. 

When I found out I had cancer, God allowed a special angel to minister to me. This angel had a name and her name was Alma. She worked for my gynecologist's office and yes, she was an angel with "skin on." Alma took it upon herself to call me at various times during the first week of my tragic news. She offered words of comfort and hope. While I know Alma was human, I still consider her an angel. God knew I needed someone to minister to me. He knew I was feeling hopeless and destitute. I'm sure He prompted Alma to share His love with me and I'll always be grateful for her obedience.

Countless times, angels have protected me from terrible traffic accidents. They've protected us from flying debris on the expressway. They've shielded us from dangers both seen and unseen.  If you think about it, I'm sure you've experienced your own angel encounters. Perhaps you've met an angel unaware, perhaps not. Angels are everywhere. The Bible eludes to the fact that each of us has our very own guardian angel. You may be aware of an angel's presence or you may not. In any event, God's angels are His messengers, His ministering spirits, and His servants. They do exactly as He bids them do. We are never supposed to worship angels. Only God deserves our worship and praise, but I am so thankful that He uses angels to minister to me at times I need them most. Billy Graham in his book, Angels, Angels, Angels says, "But the Bible does tell us that for the believer nothing happens outside God’s control–and yes, if we know Christ, His angels continually watch over us." 

I'm sure the people in the Thousand Oaks subdivision in California are on edge because of that albino cobra. I'm sure they'll be very thankful when he's captured and taken away from their homes and families. But I am thankful that seeing him on the television this morning prompted me to remember God's faithfulness and love. I'm also thankful that God has armies of angels ready to dispatch at His command.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

My Prayer: 
Heavenly Father, just knowing that your ministering angels protect Your children gives me security as I travel through dangers seen and unseen. I appreciate how You reveal Your truths to me through circumstances and situations that I can't always explain. I know You're using those times to teach me Your truths. You have confirmed in many situations that angels work on my behalf, doing Your perfect will in my life as well as in the universe. Thank you for dispatching Your angels to protect and guide me. Amen. 


"See, I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared. Exodus 23:20 

The angel of the LORD, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God. Psalm 34:7
Are they not all ministering spirits sent to serve, for the sake of those who are to inherit salvation? Hebrews 1:14

^"11 For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

¹² They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and cobra; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot." 
Psalm 91:11-13 Amplified Bible (AMP)

How you can help

A wise older woman, in a church we attended many years ago, gave me a piece of sage advice. We were discussing helping others when she told I must always be careful not to "rob people of a blessing." When I asked what she meant, she explained that often times God puts it on someone's heart to help in times of need. He may want to bless the giver more than the receiver. Sometimes, He wants to use someone to meet a specific prayer request or need. The help may come in practical forms like running errands, doing housework, or grocery shopping. Other times, it may come in the form of monetary blessing like the purchase of a gift card or a meal, offering to buy groceries, or help with a bill. She admonished me not to "let pride get in the way."

You might think this would be an easy lesson to learn but it hasn't been. Pride has a way of thwarting good intentions. I think God is still working on me in this area. In light of this, many of my friends and family want to know how they can help me during this time. Here are some ways you can help if you feel led to do so:  

1. Pray! The most wonderful gift you can give to me and my family is prayer. There are so many things to pray for during treatment and recovery. Pray for the doctors to have wisdom as they administer radiation, pray for my skin not to become damaged and burn, pray for the swelling in my upper arm area to diminish, pray for Phil as he works long hours to provide for us, pray for my children as they each struggle to deal with my cancer diagnosis, pray for finances to meet mounting medical bills, and pray that I would learn the valuable lessons God wants to teach me during this time. 

2. Be understanding - sometimes I may not feel up to talking with you on the phone. It doesn't mean I am ignoring you or don't care about you, it means I'm emotionally or physically drained and just can't handle it. In those times, please say an extra prayer for me asking God to supply His strength in my weakness.

3. Stay in touch - send cards, letters, emails, texts, leave voice messages, and call when you can. Just knowing you're out there helps me get through this. Sometimes I feel so alone and lonely.

4. Give a gift - if you feel led to bless us, one of the most practical ways you could help is to make a meal or send a gift card to a local restaurant. There are times when I am so tired, I just don't feel like standing at the stove and cooking. You might not be in a position to send a gift card, perhaps you'd rather send a book or something you've made. Little ways of showing your love mean so much to us.

5. Share your time -  There's nothing like a visit with a good friend! If you'd like to come by to visit, call ahead and let's set up a day and time.

6. Read my blog - it's an easy way to stay in tune with what's going on in my life. You may receive a quick devotional or you may step right into my heart as you travel this cancer road along with me.

Those are just a few simple ways you can help! I'll try really hard not to "rob you of a blessing," but it won't be easy. If you need my mailing address, you can request it by sending me an email:
bonnieannis@gmail.com

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Bonnie

PTSD

Today was my first radiation treatment. I watched the clock all morning until time to leave for my appointment. I hadn't thought I'd be nervous but I was... It's strange how my range of emotions has changed since my diagnosis. I'm usually pretty calm and easy going. I noticed this wasn't the case today. One of my children called to talk to me as she drove to work. We were having a pleasant conversation and then she cut me off in the middle of a sentence. Normally, it wouldn't have been a big deal. I would have just skipped over the incident and continued on with my conversation but this time, I said something. I mentioned to her that she had been very rude by not allowing me to finish my sentence. Of course, she apologized and asked me what I had wanted to say. At that point, I didn't want to revisit that part of our conversation, so I just clammed up. I guess I was on edge about going for treatment. There was no other logical explanation.

I arrived at the radiation treatment facility about thirty minutes early. In the waiting room, I sat and listened to others having conversations. I was surprised to smell cigarette smoke on someone in the midst of people waiting to have treatment for Cancer. I was irritated! Some people just don't get it. A thin, obviously very ill man walked into the waiting room as he coughed and hacked. I knew that chest rattle well. He reeked of cigarette smoke and the smell made me nauseous. There's another one, I thought to myself. If only they understood. They have power to better their odds of living by quitting their nicotine habit. I moved to the other side of the room. I can't stand to smell cigarette smoke any more. Since my father died of lung cancer, even the slightest smell of a cigarette brings back bad memories.

Engrossed in a magazine, I didn't hear my name when it was called. The woman beside me asked if I were Mrs. Annis. I politely smiled at her and got up to go with the waiting nurse. She led me to the dressing area and told me to remove everything from the waist up and put on the gown. When I was ready, she took me into the radiation room.

Inside the radiation room were two radiology technicians. They assisted me in getting onto the narrow table and got me situated into my personal foam mold. They had draped a sheet over the mold to facilitate repositioning me. The lights were dimmed and the machine was brought over my chest. I was pulled and pushed into the perfect position as one tech grabbed the sheet on one side of me and the other tech was opposite her. Once I was correctly aligned underneath the laser beams, several xrays were taken and then one of the techs came over and said, "okay now, your first treatment will begin. We're going to place a warm, wet towel over your chest and the radiation beams will pass through this. This is called bolus. It can be applied to the skin to alter the dose received both at depth in the tissue and on the skin surface. It is used often for post-mastectomy chest wall treatment, to increase the skin dose. You won't feel anything other than the towel's wetness and weight. You'll hear a whirring and some clicking, but other than that, you won't feel or see anything."

The radiology techs walked out of the room but assured me they could see and hear me. If I needed anything at all, I was to call out to them. The machine began to whirr and move around my body. I was told to remain completely still at all times. My arms were hurting as they were stretched above my head for the treatment. I made a mental note to myself to work on some stretching exercises to help loosen up that skin and tissue in the days ahead. Fifteen minutes later, I was done and the techs were helping me up off the table.

The nurse was waiting for me at the door and took me to the scale. As I stepped up, she said, "now don't be going on a diet or anything for the next several weeks. We don't want you losing any weight. Your body is going to get weaker in the days ahead and you will need all your strength." Wow. That's the first time I've ever had a doctor's office tell me NOT to worry about losing weight!

We went into an exam room and the doctor came in to talk with me. She asked how I was feeling and explained that every Monday I would meet with both she and the nurse. They would check my general health but also closely monitor my skin. She explained that they would also watch my right rib, lung, and my liver because the radiation could cause some definite changes. One of the main things they were concerned about was damage to my right lung. She explained that they would also be targeting lymph nodes in my neck and shoulder area and may even go up into my throat. This could cause some changes in my vocal abilities. I sat there and listened intently, trying to remember everything she'd said. As we wrapped up our conversation, she handed me a prescription for Radiaplex, a special type of gel that would need to be applied 3 times a day to the radiated area.

On my way home, I was emotionally numb. It had been a lot to process although I hadn't experienced any physical pain. My cell phone was buzzing with messages coming in and there were several missed calls and Facebook messages. While I'm thankful to have so many people who love and care about me, I just didn't feel like rehashing the events of the day over and over again. I turned it on silent and slipped it back into my purse.

I looked at the clock when I got home. It was 12:30 p.m. and I realized I hadn't had lunch yet. As I was preparing my lunch, the house phone rang and just a few minutes later, my cell phone was ringing. Oh my goodness! "Can't people just leave me alone for a little while?" I thought. I am not used to having sensory overload... I realized at the moment that I was suffering from PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a very common occurrence after Breast Cancer. Medical dictionaries describe it as an anxiety disorder that can be brought on by a traumatic event. Symptoms include:

• nightmares or flashbacks about the cancer experience (yes)
• continuously focusing on the cancer experience (yes)
• avoiding people, places, and events that remind you of the experience (yes)
• trouble sleeping (yes)
• extreme irritableness (yes)
• intense feelings of fear (yes)
• being overly excitable (yes)
• feeling helpless or hopeless (yes)
• shame or guilty feelings (yes)
• bouts of crying (yes)
• feeling emotionally numb (yes)
• sadness or depression (yes)
• loss of appetite
• trouble maintaining personal relationships (yes)
• self-destructive behavior (alcohol or drug abuse, for example)
• memory problems (yes)
• concentration problems (yes)
• being startled or frightened easily (yes)
• getting no joy from activities you used to enjoy (yes)
• hallucinations

Now it made a little more sense. I wasn't going to be so hard on myself any longer. I had a legitimate excuse. Cancer had totally changed my life and now it was altering my personality. I don't like feeling this way and I'm going to ask God to help me overcome these feelings. I'll also talk to my doctor about them at my next appointment. But for right now, for self preservation, I hope my friends and family will understand that I just don't want to go over and over details. I'm working on processing things in my own head. I love all of my family and friends dearly but I just can't handle the extra mental anguish right now. I just need some time and a little bit of space. I'll be okay, it's just going to take a little time.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

A new attitude

Last night, I tossed and turned all night long. No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get comfortable. Although my incisions have healed fairly well on the outside, the muscles and tissues on the inside are still in the process of healing. Turning my body in certain ways causes extreme pain and tenderness. It's not easy to learn to sleep on your back when you've always been a side sleeper!

After a fitful night's sleep, I woke up around 4:00 a.m. I reached over and felt to see if Phil was still in bed and was surprised to find him there. It wasn't quite time for him to get up and go to work. He moved a little and rolled over going back to sleep. Although I was wide awake, I just lay there in the darkness thinking.

I must have dozed off shortly afterwards because when I woke up and looked at the clock again, it was 5:30 a.m. I got up and walked into the living room expecting to see Phil sitting there reading his Bible as he did every morning, but he'd already left for work. I picked up my Bible from the table beside my recliner and went back into the bedroom. Early morning devotions have always been routine for me and this morning was no different. I read several passages of Scripture, had my devotion and spent time in prayer. When I was done, I got up and got dressed.

I proceeded to make the bed and opened the blinds to allow the early morning light to filter into the bedroom. I love watching the sun come up! When I opened the blinds, a stream of light fell onto our bill basket. Phil always tries to keep it out of my sight because he knows I worry when I see the ever growing stack of bills. I picked up the basket and started going through the bills looking at due dates. Several of them needed immediate attention. I noticed the car insurance bill was past due. Quickly, I shot off a text message to Phil asking him to contact the insurance company and make arrangements to pay it. His response, "don't worry...be happy." Phil's always been one not to stress over things he can't control. I took the basket of bills and laid my hands over them asking God to please provide a way for us to pay them. Although Phil is constantly telling me not to worry about them, I find it difficult to leave them alone.

By this time of the morning, I was getting hungry so I went into the kitchen to fix breakfast. Sitting down at the table, I enjoyed my bowl of cottage cheese with pineapple while reviewing instructions from the radiologist on my first treatment. There were detailed instructions on what to do to keep my skin moisturized and helpful tips on things to do in order to minimize radiation burns. A long list of side effects was also listed but I tried not to pay attention to those.

As I sat there reading over medical information, it was as if a light bulb went off in my head....I needed to change my attitude! Instead of focusing on the negative things, I needed to focus on the positive things. Yes, I'd had a fitful night's sleep and was exhausted, but I did have a nice, cozy bed to sleep in and a comfortable, safe home. Yes, we had a huge stack of medical bills that we couldn't pay right now but that meant I was being able to receive treatment for my cancer. Yes, Phil was working 10 hour days, 6 days a week, but that meant he had a job and God was providing for our needs. When I began to see things in a more positive light, all of the negative things seemed to slip away. Phil's text message was still on my phone so I looked at it once again- "don't worry....be happy!"

I felt God speaking to my heart and saying, "my child, this is what I've wanted you to understand all along. There's no need to worry! I have everything under control. Be still and rest in me." With tear filled eyes, I picked up my cell phone intending to read Phil's text one more time, instead, my eyes focused on the Scripture verse for the day, Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." It was no coincidence that God allowed me to see that verse at the exact moment I did. He was reiterating what He'd spoken to my heart a few minutes earlier. Sitting in my kitchen, I pondered all God had given me this morning. Indeed I needed a new attitude. I was determined to eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive. From this point forward, I'm going to choose not to worry. I'm going to take Phil's sage advice and just be happy. I'm alive and fighting to continue living. God is good. My husband is hardworking, loving, and kind. It's a beautiful new day and everything's going to be all right, I'm sure of it!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Guest Blogger - my daughter, Jamie Shannon

Cancer....you hear that word more often than not today in so many different situations. Mostly I heard it in movies since I am an avid movie watcher. I never expected to hear it come out of my own mother's lips...and frankly it scared the heck outta me. My mom and I have always been close. In a way I feel like my life has mirrored hers and growing up I always had this fear of losing her. Here on earth she has been my rock. The one who has always been there through every situation...every up and down and the thought of losing her was unbearable. You can imagine my reaction when I received the news...immediate panic. First of all I received it in a text which is not idyllic especially for news so weighty. Secondly, I was at work which is not the place I wanted to be at that moment. I wanted to leave work immediately and run, just get the heck outta dodge. So many emotions ran through me. Do I cry? Scream? Yell? Any of those would have been sufficient for me. Inside I felt all of those things but externally all I could do was hold in my tears as my face took on a blank stare of shock. As soon as my mind re-entered my body and the fog lifted slightly I took my phone and quickly sent a text to the first person that came to mind to get in contact with...my boyfriend. I know it may be strange to some to read that but he and I had become close and with news so devastating I sought comfort from him. He quickly responded his condolences and I resumed my work like a robot.

As I think back to when I first heard the news I understand my reaction. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through my mom's head as she found out. I know it was much worse. As time has obviously elapsed between us first learning of her diagnosis to now, I still see my mom as a strong woman and actually a much stronger one. She has come so far and experienced so much in her life. God has given her the strength to overcome great obstacles. The verses found in James come to mind. James 1:2-3 says:  

"2 Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

³ Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience."

As I read these verses over and over again I also remembered what my mom's new friend Karen told her; that God chose her to carry this weight. That it was His purpose for mom to carry it for a reason. That she was special enough to endure it. In the Bible God gave the most difficult of tasks to the ones who were inadequate because He made them adequate. I read somewhere that God does not call the equipped...He equips the called. I believe this wholeheartedly. And believing this doesn't make it easier knowing my mom has cancer by any means, but it does remind me that God is still in control and that His ways are not our ways. Who am I to stand in the way of whatever He is trying to do? As my aunt told me a long time ago, there is no better place to be than in the center of God's will. That's where mom is and no matter what the circumstances, she's in the best place to be. Thank you all for reading! Much love,  Jamie

Choose life

Yesterday my youngest daughter came to spend the weekend with us. It's always a joy to have her come; she's so full of energy and loves life so much. It was amazing how the atmosphere in our home changed when she arrived. Before she came, everything was so relaxed and peaceful. From the moment she walked in the door, expectation filled the air.

Oh to be young again and to be filled with a zest for life! I watched as she rolled her suitcase into her bedroom and came back into the living room. Immediately she began talking a mile a minute telling me about what's been going on in her life. I loved it! I hung on her every word. Her enthusiasm reminded me that I too, needed to be excited about life.

As I watched Jamie, I realized I had been experiencing a little depression. I knew I hadn't dealt with it, because when she asked me to go to town with her, I cringed. I felt safe at home. I didn't have to see anyone and no one had to see me. At home, I didn't have to worry about people staring at my flat chest.

Before Jamie even arrived, I had gone into my bedroom and put on my new silicone boobs. The mastectomy bra and the prostheses had been lying there since I picked them up last week. As I slipped the bra over my shoulders, I was astounded by their heaviness. I was unable to hook the bra myself because my arms won't bend that way yet, so I had to ask my husband to help. "Here, hold these!" I exclaimed to him, as I handed him the bra with the fake boobs inserted in it. "Wow, that's heavy," he said. "Yes," I said, "I don't know if I can wear this very long."

After hooking my bra for me, my husband returned to the living room. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked pretty normal. I put a T shirt on and as I walked to the bedroom again, realized how uncomfortable I was at that moment. The fake boobs were so heavy and the bra was really pulling on my incisions. "Come help me get this thing off!" I yelled to my husband. He quickly came from the other room and I explained that I just couldn't do it yet. We removed the bra and I placed the prostheses gently back into their little pink pill boxes.

Jamie finally convinced me to go with her into town. She wanted to go get her nose re-pierced. She'd found a shop in Senoia that was open and had a good price for piercing. We drove about 20 or more miles and on the way, I told her that I wouldn't go in, that I would just stay in the car and wait for her. She asked me why and I told her I was self conscious. I didn't want people to see me without my boobs. She exclaimed, "oh Mom! No one's even going to pay any attention to your chest!" She persisted and finally, I caved in and went with her to the little tattoo/piercing shop. As I walked down the sidewalk to the shop, I was constantly using my arms to shield my chest from the view of passersby.

In the shop, there were several people in their mid to late 20's. There was a different type of energy surrounding them, they were all excited and all full of life. They were upbeat and happy. I watched them curiously as we waited. Why was I feeling self conscious and uncomfortable among these kids who were so open and free about expressing themselves?

The piercer came to get Jamie and as he held the door open for her to enter his little room; he continued to hold it even after she passed. He looked at me and invited me to come on back too if I wanted to join them. Hesitantly, I walked with them, trying to remain unseen. I stood in the doorway as the piercer did his work on Jamie. The entire time she was being worked on, I stood where no one passing behind me could see my chest. I was so thankful the piercer hadn't noticed my chest and that his back was turned toward me as he worked. At least now I could relax just a little.

When Jamie was finished, we went up to the front counter to pay. As we walked past other customers, I subconsciously shielded my chest with my arms. I continued to do this as we walked back to the car. Once inside the car, I felt safe and let my arms fall at my sides. How could I get past this? Was I always going to feel subhuman?

Driving back home, Jamie flipped on the CD player in her car. An upbeat song began to play and I realized that since surgery, I'd been living my life like a 33 1/3 record instead of like a CD!  I didn't want to give up and give in. I didn't want to let these feelings of being "less than" control my life. I wanted to live my life to the fullest! I've always done that in the past, so why now, was I choosing to live in a defeated state? Was I willing to let my lack of breasts destroy me? No! Was I willing to stay down in the dumps and blue? No! Well, then...what was I going to do about it?

I thought back to the kids in the piercing shop. They were exuberant. Sure, I know some of them were hiding behind their piercings or using them to express their feelings, but at least they were living. They weren't choosing to hide in a corner away from the gaze of others. In fact, they wanted to be seen! They wanted people to stare at their piercings and tattoos. They were bold! They grabbed life with gusto!

We pulled into the driveway and went inside the house. Jamie went to clean up her nose a little with some saline solution. I went in to talk with my husband and see how the football team was doing as he watched the game on TV. When Jamie came back into the living room and sat down, I watched her. She plopped down on the sofa and whipped out her cell phone. She was comfortable in her skin. She wasn't depressed or worried. She had chosen life.

Was I going to give up and lose hope all because I had no breasts? Was I going to continue to hole up and hide inside my safe space at home? Was I going to develop full blown agoraphobia? I didn't know the answer to any of those questions. I didn't want to feel self conscious and inadequate, but I did. I didn't want to stay at home all day long and not have interaction with others, but I did. I hope I don't develop full blown agoraphobia, but I might. My grandmother had it and was perfectly happy being at home in a safe environment.

I know it's not healthy to feel this way. I know it. But the reality of the situation right now is that I do feel this way. I do feel like a sideshow freak. I do feel inadequate. I do feel less than others. The faith filled side of me knows I am to walk in truth and the truth of the matter is that even though I have Cancer, I can rise above it and keep going. I can choose to live. The human side of me, the fleshly side, feels trapped inside my body. I feel like my confidence was lost when my breasts were removed. I struggle daily to find a healthy balance between those two sets of feelings...between faith and flesh. Some days I allow Christ to be my strength when I am weak and some days I don't. I'm human. I fail. The only difference is, I know the real truth and I know that with God I can overcome anything...it's just hard sometimes. No one gives you an instruction manual when you're diagnosed with Cancer. No one says you'll experience this..., it's normal to feel this way when..., nothing. They give you nothing. You have to figure it our yourself and if you don't have a strong spiritual background, you can forget it! Even with it, you'll experience days of depression and hopelessness. The difference is, you won't stay there. You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You'll learn to forgive yourself when you feel confused about life. You'll be a little less hard on yourself when you're having a bad day. You'll make it.

I don't want to feel hopeless or helpless. I don't want to feel worthless. When I listen to the lies Satan whispers in my ear, though, this is what I hear. I have to choose which voice I want to listen to...do I want to listen to words of hope and affirmation or words of death and destruction? I want to live. I want to choose life. I want to always listen to God's words that fill my heart with His life and His hope. I want to hear Him whispering, "you are lovely...you are mine....you are beautiful...there is hope...I'm not finished with you yet!" Those words are filled with life.

Daily I struggle. I will admit that. I'd love to give everyone the impression that all is well and I'm doing fine, but that's not the truth. There are days when I am focused and walking in faith but there are also days when I am hurting deeply feeling I'm worth nothing. I wasn't going to admit this to you. In fact, I had written a perfectly wonderful blog post and put it up on the internet before now. I had walked away and was in my room making my bed when I heard the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart..."go in there and change your post. Tell them how you really feel. Let them know you are real." And that's just what I did. I came into my office, sat down at my computer and totally redid my post.

When I began this journey, I promised myself that I would be real. I wanted others to know what it's truly like to go through Breast Cancer. I said I wouldn't sugar coat anything. I was going to be open and honest. I wanted to use my blog as a ministry tool but also as a record of my own personal journey. My journey hasn't been easy at all. It's been filled with tears and pain. It's been the most difficult thing I've been through yet but I know even with all that I have yet to go through, I will make it, because I am a fighter. I want to live...I choose life.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

Compliance

Yesterday I went to the radiology clinic expecting to meet with the radiologist to discuss my recent CT scan and treatment plan, but instead, I went through another detailed mapping procedure. I was taken back to the dressing room and told to put on a gown. , I was lead into the radiation room and placed on a table that had my personal body mold affixed to it. I was thankful to have the mold underneath me because the table was narrow, cold, and hard. At least with the body mold, I had a nice, comfortable place to lie down.

Two radiology techs came into the room and worked to reposition me several times. They had placed a sheet underneath me so they could move me about easily. As they were working to get me into the proper position, I noticed there were lasers aimed at me. I tried not to look directly at them because I know lasers can damage your eyes. When they pulled the radiation machine over my chest, I could see a reflection of myself in the glass window. There were bright green laser lights highlighting my chest and the black dots, lines, and x's they'd made last week were being used for guide placements while new lines were being drawn. Several xrays were taken as the table vibrated while the machine worked. It felt weird lying there topless on this foam mold with lasers pointed at me from several different angles of the room. It almost felt like I was going to be disintegrated at any moment!

A large oval machine was moved into place and hovered over my chest. For some reason it made me think of one of my children's favorite Disney movies, "The Flight of the Navigator." In the movie, a 12-year-old boy named David becomes great friends with the artificial intelligence on an alien spaceship. He and "Max" are on a mission to retrieve star charts and solve the mystery of David's change in mental acuity. Max looks very similar to the radiation machine, which looks like a giant eyeball. I couldn't help but hear the word, "compliance," in my mind as I lay there. (Max, in the movie, always utters "compliance" whenever David gives him a verbal command on where to navigate the alien spacecraft.) As I lay there daydreaming, the radiology tech asked me to scoot over just a bit on the table and I almost subconsciously muttered, "compliance!"

For over forty five minutes, I was shifted and repositioned while the radiology techs marked and remarked places on my chest. I was surprised when they began marking up my neck and along my ribcage. I asked if they were going to include those areas in the field of radiation that I would be receiving and they responded yes. When I asked for an explanation, they said that those were areas most likely spots for the cancer to travel toward. I never thought my throat would be an area that would be radiated and this concerned me. I remembered the radiologist had told me that one of the side effects from radiation that could possibly affect me was an inability to swallow. Now it made sense. I surely hope I don't experience that!

As the table was lowered and I was helped up, I couldn't help but think, on Tuesday I'll be receiving a dose of real radiation. It seems it's been months since I was diagnosed but it's only been 7 weeks since my surgery. I am so thankful I don't have to go through chemotherapy! Radiation will be difficult but I think chemotherapy would be so much more difficult.

I'm a member of several Breast Cancer Facebook sites and many of the women posting on those are going through chemotherapy currently. Almost every one of them shares about some horrible side effect they are dealing with now. There's hair loss, nausea, vomiting, weakness, fatigue, bone and joint pain, etc. At least with radiation, I know I am not ingesting poison.

I don't understand how radiation is used to treat cancer. Doesn't radiation cause cancer? What about Nagasaki and Hiroshima? When we dropped the Atomic bomb many, many people died from radiation poisoning. I'm sure there are scientific calculations involved deciding exactly how much radiation I'll receive, but it sure is scary. Radiologists use computers to perform those calculations and computers are controlled by humans, and humans make mistakes. All I can do is trust that God has all of this under control.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I glanced over at the huge lead lined tower that housed the radiation equipment. The lead was supposed to keep the radiation from traveling outside the building. I wondered how many times radiation could be beamed into that room and stored into those lead walls before it became compromised. Science astounds me and while I don't understand it all, I am grateful for doctors who study for years and years to understand the field in which they work. Their expertise helps guide the treatment that many of us receive. I stopped at that moment and prayed for my doctor  to have wisdom and discernment as she planned my course of treatment.  I know God honored my prayers and He will guide Dr. Santiago in the days ahead.

Just like in the movie, the Flight of the Navigator, when little David doesn't have a clue where the spaceship is taking him, I have no idea what to expect in the days ahead. And just like Max, when the navigator instructs him on his next course of action, I'll respond with a hearty "compliance" as the doctors lead me on this journey. I will trust them as they mark out the next course, but even though they think they are in control, my navigator, Jesus Christ, controls every aspect of my care and He will never steer me wrong.

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