What to do, what to do???

The Cancer saga continues and in today's episode, there's a dilemma. The dilemma is one that demands my utmost attention. Now what exactly is the dilemma you wonder? I can almost see you sitting on the edge of your seat, biting your nails thinking what is it? What is it? Well....let me tell you about my dilemma.

Before Christmas, the Oncologist started me on Arimidex, which is a fairly new cancer drug. It's listed as an aromatase inhibitor and is the preferred drug of choice for women who are post menopausal. I'm an obedient patient and I took the medication as instructed. I even endured weeks of funky side effects but then, after being as compliant as I could be, I'd had all I could stand. I contacted the doctor's office and told him Arimidex was definitely not for me. After explaining all of my symptoms to the doctor, he instructed me to go off the medication until December 27. Being the good girl that I am, I did exactly as I was told.

For most of the month of December, I felt normal...well, as normal as you can feel when you've experienced the trauma of breast cancer, surgery, and radiation...but I felt pretty much like myself. Oh, now and then I had some emotional challenges and shed tons of unexpected and unexplained tears, but I made it through the holidays pretty much unscathed.

On December 27, being the obedient one, I began taking Tamoxifen as the doctor ordered. The first few days, I only had a slight headache and thought, "hey, this isn't going to be so bad afterall!" As the days went by, the side effects increased. First it was insomnia, then hot flashes and night sweats, then it was an inability to think straight, and then depression. The symptoms kept compounding and getting worse.

Two days ago, I experienced another side effect from Tamoxifen...the dreaded yeast infection. Sorry. I know that's TMI (too much information) but I'm just trying to keep it real here. Any woman who's had a yeast infection knows it is NOT something minor. A yeast infection is enough to drive a sane person onto the brink of insanity. So...this compliant woman...this unusually obedient person...MOI...became very upset and frustrated. Back and forth, I argued with myself. Should I or should I not continue taking the Tamoxifen? After much deliberation and prayer, I have decided to stop taking Tamoxifen. Now hold on a minute! Don't get your panties in a wad! I did weigh out the options and yes, I have called the doctor and told him everything...in fact, I'm waiting for a callback from his office as I type. And no...the yeast infection wasn't what made me make my decision, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

I don't know if my decision not to continue taking Tamoxifen is the perfect one, but I do know it's the right one for me. I can't keep going night after night with no sleep. I can't live my life in a state of drugged stupor where I can't even focus on mundane things. I won't trade my quality of life for my quantity of life...in fact, I know that nothing is going to detract one single minute of one single day from the specific amount of time God has allotted to me.

You might think I'm crazy, but I have a big faith. I know God is able to keep cancer cells from spreading throughout my body. I know He can completely heal me in an instant if He so chooses. I have a proven track record of His past answers to prayers for healing. I'm continuing to seek His will on this and if He guides me into trying another medication or type of treatment, I will obey. First and foremost, I always want to follow after my Savior. After all, He's the one who created me and He is the one who holds the minutes, hours, and days of my life in the palm of His hand. Who better to trust than Him?

Hope and renewal

Oh what a gloriously beautiful day! It's so nice and warm and sunny. It's been cold and dreary for such a long time now and I've gotten so very tired of Winter. Sometimes, it seems like it will last forever. As I think about the seasons, I can't help but think about my life. Spring was when I was full of youth. Summer found me just a little older and beginning to blossom. Autumn brought wisdom and even more years of life...and now, on the tail end of Autumn, I stare straight into the eyes of Winter...the Winter of my life. Winter - the last season.

Today, we've been given a little taste of Spring. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there's a hint of anticipation in the air. For days and days we've had nothing but overcast skies and gloominess. Though the sun is shining, it's a facade. Winter is still very present and Winter, even though not always welcomed, is necessary. Beneath the cold and frozen ground lie plants and animals suspended in time. But wait! Something is happening...things changing. Things are being revitalized, renewed, and restored. It's a time of preparation.

Winter is the time of year when plants cease growing and lie dormant. The trees, naked and bare, stand like sentries keeping watch. Flowers have sloughed off their petals and leaves. They look like barren, lifeless twigs. Though they look dead, they are still very much alive. They soak up sunlight but don't expend any energy growing...they wait. Animals rest, too. Some hibernate and others merely slow down. They focus on doing whatever is necessary to survive. Winter.

When the weather turned cold, I brought my plants in so they wouldn't freeze. They've been sitting on my kitchen table for several months now. Every morning, I make sure to open the blinds early so they can soak up every drop of sunlight that shines in my window. The days are short now and sunlight is vital for them. Today, since it's close to 70 degrees, I think they'll enjoy being outside. As I carry them, I look down at their leaves. They've seemed a little droopy and limp lately. Their color is lacking. As I get closer to the door, it almost seems they're perking up...how do they know warm air and sunshine are coming?

I sit my plants on the porch and walk out into the day. It feels so refreshing! The air is cool and breezy. Glancing over my shoulder, I see my rose bushes. The blooms, long faded since last Summer, have died. All that remains are thorny shafts. At first look, I wonder if they are completely dead. Could the cold weather have killed them? Taking my pruning shears in hand, I snip off a third of one branch and look. The core is green! It's still alive! I'm so thankful and begin carefully shaping and pruning. The pruning will encourage new growth to sprout in the next few months. I can hardly wait to see my roses full and lush again.

In the Winter of my life, I too have slowed down. I find myself thinking more and doing less. Perhaps I need to take this time to rest. Perhaps my body is in the process of restoration and renewal too. I think the Winter of my life is a good time to be still and reflect on what God's done over the years. It's also a time to focus on healing both spiritually and physically.

Sometimes Winters are hard, but no matter how hard they seem, one thing is true...Spring will come again! The world may look dead and lifeless right now but soon, it's going to come alive again. It will soon be teaming with life. The sun will shine strong and brilliant again. Things will grow. The days will be warm and sweet. There is a time and a purpose for everything and as Winter fades, a season of hope springs forth. I cling to that hope, do you?

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

This girl is on FIRE!

Ah. Alicia Keys...love her...love the uniqueness of her songs. One in particular speaks to me lately, "Girl on Fire." (You can listen to it here.) But instead of being all cool and together like the woman Alicia sings about in her song, I am literally on FIRE (well, not literally...there aren't flames shooting from my fingertips or anything, but I feel like I'm about to burst into flames!) Oh, Tamoxifen! What are you doing to me??? You are evil and I hate you! One minute I'm cool and the next minute I'm stripping off my clothes, dripping wet with sweat. You are torturing me! The point is, I’ve already been through menopause. I hated the hot flashes then and I hate them now. But when my Oncologist said I'd experience some side effects with Tamoxifen, I had no idea I'd feel like I was in the midst of menopause all over again!

As cancer treatments go, Tamoxifen is a breeze, but a breeze that blows hot . . . like the Santa Ana winds. Compared to the pain and discomfort of surgery and radiation, a few hot flashes here and there are nothing to complain about. (For the sake of accuracy though, I will say that Tamoxifen does have other side-effects that are much more serious than hot flashes, some of which I am already experiencing. And then there are the ones that are much more rare, like blood clots, which I hope I never experience!)

Some people think that tamoxifen puts you into menopause, but that's not true. It simply causes menopause-like symptoms, such as hot flashes. It does reduce the production of estrogen, but does not stop it entirely. Tamoxifen is usually used for women who are pre-menopausal and aromatase inhibitors are usually used for post menopausal women. In my case, Arimidex, the aromatase inhibitor I was started on, was not tolerable at all so the doctor switched me to the old standby, Tamoxifen.

The first time I had a hot flash, I thought I was spontaneously combusting. I still feel that way even today. Taking off my shirt becomes imperative. When the hot flashes occur at night, as they usually do, stripping off my shirt is not a problem since I am at home and Phil has always enjoyed abrupt displays of semi-nudity. But in this case, these displays are nothing other than an attempt at cooling down. They are not an invitation to touch me! When my skin is so hot you could flash-fry bacon on my stomach, it’s best not to cuddle up to me or attempt an even friskier move. No, it would be best to just sympathize with me and murmur something appropriate and innocuous like “oh, you poor thing! Are you having another one?” and then back away slowly, avoiding eye contact. Do not touch! I repeat, do not touch!

Some hot flashes are strong enough to wake me up at night. One moment I’m dozing comfortably, burrowed under the covers like a normal person, and the next I feel as if someone has plugged me into an electrical socket. All of a sudden, I’m scrambling to get free of the sheets and blankets. After I cool down, I pull the covers back up . . . until the next flash comes along. This cycle continues all through the night and by morning, the bedclothes are twisted and gnarled, half on the bed, half on the floor. Poor Phil! He hasn't been sleeping well lately. I wonder why?

About a month ago, when temperatures first dropped below freezing at night, we were in bed. He looked over at me with covers pulled up to his chin as the ceiling fan was whirring overhead. There was a questioning look in his eyes that seemed to say, “Are we EVER going to be able to turn on the heat again?” As I locked eyes with him, I squinted, with the don't EVEN GO THERE look. As I turned over, I whispered, "just think of all the money we're saving on the heating bill!" Of course, he didn't hear me because he had already dug in and was fast asleep.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Tamoxifen, friend or foe?

Since December 27, I've been taking Tamoxifen. My Oncologist prescribed it for me after the Arimidex did a number on me. I thought it would be better, especially since Tamoxifen has been around for about 40 years in breast cancers that are hormone receptor positive, and that's what mine is...it's fed by Estrogen and Progesterone. Tamoxifen supposedly binds to the Estrogen and blocks it so the cancer can't grow or spread. But, as with any drug, it comes with its own set of side effects.

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.
A Estrogen receptor
B Tamoxifen
C Estrogen helper proteins
D Tamoxifen helper proteins
E Nucleus
F DNA genetic material

Some of the side effects of Tamoxifen are include mental/mood swings, fuzzy thinking, bone loss, weight gain, fatigue, hair loss, vaginal dryness, loss of libido, joint pain, insomnia and bone fractures to name a few. So not only do you go through the pain and trauma of having your breasts removed, you end up with one or more of these lovely side effects to boot.

If the side effects become bothersome, there are always more drugs to make it all better. Effexor is commonly prescribed to treat the mental/mood changes. It's an antidepressant that seems to work on Serotonin levels in the brain. But, in some patients who take it, Effexor can cause suicidal thoughts and that opens up a new can of worms. For the insomnia, there are prescription sleep aids which can be highly addictive. There are drugs to help combat the other side effects, too. It's a vicious cycle.

So how do you know what to do?  For me, all I can do is research information on my own, pray about it, and trust my doctor. And speaking of my doctor, I'll be seeing him on the 27th of this month and I've already started making a long list of questions to ask him. Since I've only seen him twice since being diagnosed, I don't know how he'll respond to my list of questions. Will he feel challenged? Will he be understanding and helpful? Will he really listen to my concerns and hear me? I am hoping he'll listen carefully and hear my heart before responding.

I've always had difficulty asking for what I wanted or needed. I never wanted to be a bother, or cause anyone any trouble. Even when asked if I wanted something, or if someone could do something for me, it wouldn't be unusual for me to shyly decline, stating, "Oh no, that's okay," At first I thought maybe it was just a Southern thing, you know...being so overly polite and all, but then I realized, it was more likely a people-pleasing thing. I really was concerned with how people thought of me. Most of the time, I found myself holding back from speaking up with friends and family, but I became even more tongue-tied in medical situations. I wouldn't dare ask questions, even if I had them. Until I got cancer. Somehow when the situation became life and death, my tongue got a whole lot looser. And, wow, what a difference it made to speak up for myself! I learned that good physicians and caregivers are not threatened or offended when their patient decides to seek a second opinion; rather, they welcome the input. I learned I had speak up for myself.
 I don't want to have to take Tamoxifen at all and I surely don't want to have to take it for 10 years, as my Oncologist has recommended. I don't want to have to be on an antidepressant for the depression I've been experiencing but if I can't snap out of it, I may have to ask for help. The insomnia continues to be an issue. I had thought I'd found a solution by taking the natural hormone, Melatonin, but it doesn't seem to be working now. The fatigue is bothersome, but I'm just learning to take a break when my body says it needs one. The aches and pains in my joints are probably the most frustrating of all. I don't like feeling like I can't do what I once used to do...and with the depression on top of it, I don't even WANT to do the things I used to do even if I could. It's so frustrating! The mental fuzziness is kinda scaring me though. I'm not one to be forgetful and lately, I find I'm forgetting things...really ordinary, mundane things.

Recently, I read an article about Tamoxifen and its effect on brain cells. A team from the University of Rochester Medical Center has shown scientifically what many women report anecdotally: that the breast cancer drug tamoxifen is toxic to cells of the brain and central nervous system, producing mental fogginess similar to “chemo brain.” Tests have been done on mice that indicated significant brain cell damage. That's a scary thing for me. I don't want to worry about losing my cognitive abilities.

So is Tamoxifen a friend or a foe? I really don't know. It's supposed to give me better odds at survival. It's supposed to keep new cancer cells from growing in my body. But at the same time, the side effects are very real. I'm going to talk to my doctor openly and honestly. I'm hoping he's in a listening mood because I have a lot of concerns to share with him. Hopefully, he'll offer some good, helpful advice and I can become more knowledgeable. I am my own best advocate and I'm working hard to stay on top of things.

I've learned a lot through trial and error with regards to my medical health. These are some of the things I've learned:

1. You should be able trust your healthcare provider and feel totally at ease with him or her.  You should never leave an appointment feeling rushed, brushed off, or with unanswered questions.

2. If a treatment plan sends up red flags in your mind, consider getting a second opinion.

3. Listen to your gut. If something doesn't sound right or feel right, it probably isn't.


The Bottom line: Raise your hand. Ask questions. Listen to your gut. And when in doubt, check it out. You're worth it. Wouldn't you rather risk having someone think you ask an awful lot of questions than to find yourself lying on your death bed wishing you'd spoken up when you had that bad feeling? I've never once regretted using my voice. But I've certainly regretted not using it.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Tamoxifen attaches to the hormone receptor in the cancer cell, blocking estrogen from attaching to the receptor. This slows or stops the growth of the tumor by preventing the cancer cells from getting the hormones they need to grow.   - See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.LpOEBVkf.dpuf

Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.  

Figure 5.9 below shows how tamoxifen works. Tamoxifen attaches to the hormone receptor in the cancer cell, blocking estrogen from attaching to the receptor. This slows or stops the growth of the tumor by preventing the cancer cells from getting the hormones they need to grow.  

Unlike aromatase inhibitors, tamoxifen can be used to treat breast cancer in both premenopausal and postmenopausal women.  

- See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.LpOEBVkf.dpuf

Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.  

Figure 5.9 below shows how tamoxifen works. Tamoxifen attaches to the hormone receptor in the cancer cell, blocking estrogen from attaching to the receptor. This slows or stops the growth of the tumor by preventing the cancer cells from getting the hormones they need to grow.  

Unlike aromatase inhibitors, tamoxifen can be used to treat breast cancer in both premenopausal and postmenopausal women.  

- See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.LpOEBVkf.dpuf

S.A.D.

Oh these gray, yucky winter days! I wish they'd go away. I wish they'd go away because they are making me sad. Not only are they making me sad, I'm feeling like I'm suffering from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real malady that affects many people during the dreary winter months. It also affects people who live in places like Alaska and Antarctica where the long winter days are shrouded in darkness. These symptoms usually disappear during the Spring and Summer months as the days are filled with more sunshine.

Some of the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder are:

• Less energy.
• Trouble concentrating.
• Fatigue.
• Greater appetite.
• Increased desire to be alone.
• Greater need for sleep.
• Weight gain

For the past week, it's been rainy and foggy here. It's almost as if a cloud sat down right on top of my house and hovered there all week. Such a heavy gray feeling hung low over us and I can only describe it as "DAMP GRAY". Damp gray feels like sadness, worry, and despair. Damp gray is a heavy, dreary experience like no other. Every morning it seemed to close in a little tighter. I dreaded facing it each day. Every morning, I would go about the task of trying to shake off those thoughts because I knew that the sunshine was just around the corner hidden by the mist.

But is it gray or grey? I wasn't quite sure so I looked it. It seems both are correct. There are two acceptable spellings. Gray is used primarily in the United States and other areas that use US English. Grey is used in Great Britain and areas that use UK English. So there.

Gray is an ugly color to me most of the time, but I decided to try and think of some grays that are more pleasant and I was able to come up with a list of 15. I tried to come up with 50, like the movie (which I have never seen and don't wish to see!), but all I could manage was 15.

Here's my list:

1.   Pewter gray - a strong and distinguished, regal sort of color

2.   Soft gray - a gentle color that reminds me of one of my sweet kitties from childhood

3.   Silver gray - the color of my husband's hair, the color of wisdom

4.   Puffy gray - the gentle color on the underside of clouds, telling me rain is coming

5.   Coarse gray - the color of my late Father in Law's bushy eyebrows

6.   Pearl gray - the iridescent color sea shells along the banks of Cumberland Island

7.   Wool gray - the color of a gray skirt that I had in high school. It was so itchy and I hated it

8.   Putty gray - the color of sealing putty used in home repairs

9.   Gentle gray - a warm eye color that some people possess indicating intelligence

10.  Silver gray - the elegant look of shiny gray ribbon wrapped around a gift and then tied into a bow

11.  Lacquer gray - the color of expensive cars

12.  Lavender gray - the color of the lovely satin dresses

13.  Dove gray -the color of beautiful mourning doves, so soft and gentle

14.  Grayish blue - the color of my husband's eyes on days when he wears a blue shirt

15.  Dapple gray -the majestic color of horses, so regal and strong

Now that I've listed these various shades of gray, I don't feel quite as sad any longer. Whew! And that reminds me, it's time to color my hair. It's starting to get quite gray, grey, GRAY around the edges!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Dutiful daughters

My oldest daughter, Erin

My middle daughter, Laura

I don't know when they started looking after me...my girls, but they did. I never paid much attention to when it first began, but I know it was sometime after my cancer diagnosis. It began very subtly. My middle daughter began to jot down my medical appointments and make arrangements to take me to them whenever she could. It didn't matter to her that I was still able to drive. She told me she wanted to take me. She wanted to be there and support me. I was thankful. What a gift! She was right there with me through every test. She was so reassuring and calm. She imparted her strength through her love and concern. She's so dependable, so reliable...so dutiful.

Then the phone calls started. Daily, my oldest daughter and my youngest daughter would call and check in on me. Oh, they didn't let me know that was what they were doing...they hid it so well, but I knew. They were concerned and wanted to make sure I was okay. The first calls came in right after my surgery and then as I was healing. Sometimes the calls were brief and sometimes they were long. I could always hear the concern in their voices but they tried to keep the conversations light and upbeat. Sometimes they were direct with their questions about my health and sometimes they beat around the bush, hoping I wouldn't catch on...but I did.

The youngest one calls me on her way to work every day, usually between 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning. It's like clockwork. I can predict within five or ten minutes when my phone will ring. We talk the entire way while she's driving and she tells me about her date the night before or her plans for the day. I never tire of hearing her talk about her boyfriend. She's so cute and sooo in love.

Mid morning, my oldest daughter calls. We usually talk while both of us do a little housework. It's nice to catch up and hear the kids playing in the background. She's a busy mother of 4 but she makes time for me! We can talk about anything from the color of paint to latest accomplishment of one of the children. It doesn't really matter. We're kindred spirits. She knows me so well.

My youngest daughter, Jamie

Just about the time we hang up, my youngest daughter is calling in again. She's on her lunch break and we talk the entire time she's at lunch. It's nice to have someone to talk to during the day and I certainly would never complain, but I think my girls have decided to tag team to make sure I'm okay. I tell them over and over it really isn’t necessary for them to feel like they have to call me every day, but they say, "we want to!" I smile knowing what it feels like to be so loved.

The day passes quickly and before I know it, my husband is coming in from work. As I begin to prepare dinner, my youngest calls again...this time on her way home, fighting traffic again. We usually talk while she drives because I know it helps her commute seem a little shorter... but she has no idea what it does for me.

Throughout the rest of the evening, I'll receive texts from one of them. I love how they share their lives with me. Sometimes the texts are questions, "how do you cook....?" or "guess what happened..." I never know what I'm going to read when those messages come through but I love each and every one of them. I would say, on an average, I receive 6 phone calls a day from them and over 30 texts! That's a whole lot of care and concern if you ask me!

I'm so thankful their calls and messages provide better therapy than money could ever buy...their love is so evident. I am blessed beyond measure and so very grateful to have daughters who care. When did I become the child and they become the adult? I don't say that in an unkind way, it's just odd to be the one being cared for now instead of doing the care giving. Life is strange but I wouldn't change a thing.


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Just stuff...

Sleep? What's that?  I haven't been sleeping well for months and months. I've tried so many things. My Oncologist gave me a prescription medication that knocked me out but made me feel totally out of control the next day. I knew I couldn't function like that so, I tried Benadryl. It worked for an hour or two but then I was wide awake again. I tried Advil PM, which combines Advil and Bendaryl, and it worked great...until a fellow survivor told me it interacted negatively with Tamoxifen so I had to stop taking it. Now, I'm taking Melatonin and it seems to be working pretty well, but gives me some really strange dreams. At least I'm getting some uninterrupted sleep. What a huge difference it makes to wake up feeling rested. I definitely don't take sleep for granted. And neither does my husband, who only gets a tiny sliver of the bed to himself. With all the pillows neatly and precisely arranged to provide the most comfort to me...he is left clinging to the edge. He says he doesn't mind, but he can't possibly be comfortable. Hopefully I won't have to keep my arms elevated at night for much longer and pillow mountain can come down.

Plus size, Please! It's pretty sad to say that at 57 years old, I need help getting dressed. Unless I choose a button up blouse, Phil has to help me put on my top and take it off. Not only do I have to choose a button up top, but I have to buy shirts a few sizes larger now just to accommodate my huge swollen arms. The swelling in my arms continues and even though the surgeon said it should wane over time, it hasn't. One day last week, Phil tried to help me peel a top over my head and it got stuck on my fat arms. I thought we were going to have to cut it off! (If you'd been a fly on the wall of our bedroom, you would have seen me bending over at the waist, top half on and half off, while Phil tugged trying to get me free! He was tugging so hard I thought I was going to go flying backward across the room and land smartly on my best asset.) Needless to say, I won't be wearing that shirt again! I usually opt for stretchy knit shirts because they are a little more comfortable and forgiving of my swollen arms. Cotton, not so much.

Lumps, bumps, and bruises: There's a huge knot of scar tissue and fluid just under my right armpit. It feels like a baseball. My breast surgeon said we could try to massage it daily and see if the tissue will loosen up and the fluid will dissipate. Phil's been diligently doing that every night for me but so far, there hasn't been much change. The next step is to go in and have it drained or surgically removed. There are also several really hard bumps along the line of my incisions. I don't know if they are from the after effects of radiation or what. I'm keeping my eyes on them because any new growth could be another cancerous tumor lurking in the shadows. I bruise pretty easily now. Tamoxifen is known to cause blood clots so I have to take an Aspirin a day to help combat that. Aspirin thins the blood. So, when I bump into things, I bruise. I bump into things a lot.

I am on the 20 mg tablets of Tamoxifen, this is the 10mg bottle

There's a pill for that! In order to stay on top of my medication, I've set reminders in my cell phone at various times of the day. Whenever it's time for my Tamoxifen, The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme) from Star Wars sounds off loudly. You may think that's strange but you'd have to know me well to know how much I love Star Wars! It's a challenge to take Tamoxifen. It gives me some funky hot flashes and mood swings. Sometimes I feel really dingy shortly after taking it and I know it means the medication is floating through my body. Tamoxifen is also causing my hair to do some strange things. It's making it very thin and lifeless. I've always been proud of my looks...now, not so much.

My friend, Julia, made me a hat to cover my thin hair

It's only Agoraphobia: There I said it. I don't really have a fear of leaving my house (I don't think), but I choose not to most days. I feel more comfortable here at home where I don't have to hide my appearance from anyone. I know I need to get out. I need to make some new friends but it's hard. This Thursday is art therapy class at the Cancer Wellness Center. Phil wants me to go. I know I need to, but it's going to be a real challenge. I've only been once but the ladies were welcoming. 

Time on my hands: Yep. I have an abundance of free time. So what do I do with it, you say? I write lots of letters, read lots of books, craft when I feel up to it, clean my house, and try to do anything to keep my mind off of my physical ailments.

Mind games: Emotions can really trip you up. Cancer and Tamoxifen only add to the mix. I still find myself bawling like a little baby at times. Even though I try to keep a tight handle on my emotions, sometimes they get the better of me...and my husband...and my children.

Calendaritis: Yes, I'm afraid to look at my calendar for fear of seeing an upcoming medical appointment. They are dotted throughout the year and I don't even want to think about them! But thanks to my trusty phone, I never miss a one.

Renewal: Nope. It's not what you think. Renewal is the name of the store that sells prosthetic equipment and mastectomy bras. They sent me a letter last week that said "it's been 6 months since your last visit. It's time for a new fitting." Yuck. I don't want to do it but I know I have to...

Good stuff:

My new grandson, Braeden Ray Garrison

• I have a new grandson! Braeden Ray Garrison was born on November 3, 2014 and I'm going to get to go see him soon! We're in the process of planning a trip to Texas. I can't wait to hold him and get to see my other little Longhorns. 
• My oldest grandson, Alex, is graduating from high school this year. I can hardly believe it! It seems like yesterday he was just a little boy. 
• I've taken a month sabbatical from Facebook. It was stealing too much of my time and God prompted me to step away from it for a while. It's amazing how much time that has freed up for me....yep, even MORE free time!
• I've also been asked to write book reviews for several Christian companies. I enjoy reading their books and then writing reviews to help prospective readers.
• I've been asked to write for several online breast cancer blogs. It's been fun to share part of my journey with others.
• Occasionally, someone will still send a card or an email to let me know they're thinking of me. I'm grateful that people still care. 
• Life goes on. Day in and day out...life continues to go on. 

 ©bonnie annis all rights reserved