Finding God's purpose

Since I wrote in my blog last Monday, I've had a very difficult week. One of the reasons I decided to write only once a week was because I just couldn't muster up the energy to continue on a daily basis. You see, I've been struggling. Daily it seems I meet a new challenge. The physical challenges are easy to identify...one day it might be extreme fatigue, the next day it might be a lack of appetite, and then there's the rawness of my skin...so burned and so painful that I could barely stand to have anything touch me. And then, there's the emotional side...the side that's a little harder to understand and identify. I've cried a million tears...begged and pleaded with God. I've been depressed and lonely. I've felt totally abandoned...I've struggled in ways that no one but God has seen. I've felt ashamed and unlovely. But even in all of the struggling, I know God has never left my side. He's always been right with me.

Yesterday was a really hard day and after I explain why, you'll more than likely wonder how I could let the life of a complete stranger affect me so much. What you'll really wonder about is how I could connect on such a deep level with a complete stranger through Facebook, but that's one of the wonders of the internet. There's a "pink sisterhood" out there...all over the internet women in various stages of Breast Cancer connect...and the reason we connect so easily is because we can truly understand one another's struggle.

Not long after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was on the internet searching for any and all information I could find about Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I wanted to learn everything I could about the type of Cancer that I was dealing with at the time. As I was searching, I came across several Breast Cancer support groups on Facebook and decided to join them since I had no support other than close friends and family. I needed people to rally around me. I needed women who could relate to what I was experiencing. I needed their wisdom and expertise. At first, the support groups were great. I was able to find other women who shared my same diagnosis. I was able to ask questions and get answers from women who'd already had mastectomies, lymph node removal, chemotherapy and radiation. These "pink sisters" were more than happy to help. No question was too silly to ask and boy, did I have a lot of questions. As time went on, I found that more often than not, many of the women were very negative. They were dragging me down. So I left those groups. It was important for me to find women of strong Christian faith...women who had hope. I searched again and found another group on Facebook, "Christian Women Living with Breast Cancer," and I immediately joined it. What a difference I saw in the comments, encouragement, and attitude of these women. They were so kind and so loving. Finally, I felt at home with others like me.

A month ago, as I was reading a post by one of the women. She was asking for prayer for a friend. I was intrigued by the photo she had posted of a young mother struggling with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Triple Negative is a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer is hard to treat because it isn't fed by Estrogen, Progesterone, or Her-2 Neu (thus the name Triple Negative. Most Breast Cancers are fed by one or more of these three hormones and knowing which ones cause the Cancer to grow allows doctors to aggressively treat them with anti hormone therapies.)



The woman's name was Christina Newman. She was just 39 years old, a wife, and the mother to two young girls. She had been fighting for 4 years. She had invited the public into her life by hosting V-logs (video blogs) where she shared her daily life with her viewers. She had quite a following and I was one of those followers. She was open and honest and raw. She shared her good days and her bad days. She wanted others to know what Breast Cancer was like. She had been through all the treatments her medical team could give her but the Cancer had metastasized. Her liver was the size of a basketball and she was in extreme pain, but even though she was in horrendous pain, she always had a smile on her face. She had a positive attitude. I had the honor of corresponding with Christina several times over the past month. I was able to ask her questions and offer her my love and support. She was always gracious...always kind.

The last V-log Christina had posted was hard to watch. It was obvious from her facial expressions that she was in pain. She'd just had a last ditch chemo treatment in an attempt to shrink the massive tumor that was taking over her liver. Her skin was jaundiced and her eyes looked so weak, and yet she was able to smile. Her spirit was amazing. She was so brave.

On Friday of this past week, Christina was moved to Hospice. The doctors had done all they could do. Her family was preparing for the inevitable. Last night I saw another post...a photo of Christina holding her youngest child...18 month old Ava. It touched my heart. I could feel her pain.


Last night, Christina lost her battle with Cancer. She passed away peacefully surrounded by her loved ones at 1:40 p.m. Mountain time. One of her family members posted a picture of her peacefully resting. I'm not sure if it was just before or just after her death, but it hit me hard. Even at that point on her journey, a smile was on her face...she was filled with peace. I wondered if I would respond the same way.

I cried and cried. I cried for Christina. I cried for her family. I cried for me. The reality of Cancer was hard to accept. I didn't want to fight and fight and fight Cancer only to have it win someday. I just wanted to live. Christina fought valiantly and even still, Cancer won. As I thought about her family and the devastation they were going through, I cried even more. So many women...all races, all ages...why? Why can't we understand what causes Breast Cancer? Why can't we find a cure? There were so many questions and so few answers.

Recently I read a quote that said, "God never wastes our pain, only we do." What a thought provoking statement that was to me. For months now, I've wondered why God allowed me to have a close encounter with Breast Cancer. What was His plan, what was His purpose? I've always lived close to Him, always tried to do His will...what have I still not learned?

You've heard the saying before, "don't judge a book by its cover." From first glance, most people I meet think I'm the typical middle class American woman, wife and mother. They think I'm average. I've lived a hard life...a life that hasn't always been pretty. Sometimes, the ugliness came from choices others made for me and sometimes it came from choices I made myself, but still, the ugliness came. I've been hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've fought adversity most of my life and throughout every painful part of my life journey, God has been there. He's seen me at my best and He's seen me at my worst, but most of all, He's loved me in spite of my choices.

God gave me free will, just like He's given it to you. It has always been my choice to either choose His will or mine. I regret having to say that many times throughout my life, I chose my will over His and suffered the consequences. He gave me that right. He gave me the opportunities. Often I knew better but chose unwisely. When I realized I'd made a mistake, I immediately came back to God and asked for forgiveness. He was always so ready and willing to accept me back into His loving arms. He never said, "I told you so," instead He tenderly opened His arms of love and embraced me calling me His precious child. So why would my loving, caring, Heavenly Father allow His beloved daughter to experience the pain and agony of going through Breast Cancer? I've asked myself that for months, but today, I asked God and His Word gave me the answers. Listen to some of them:

"And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:17

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)

So what those verses tell me is that as a follower of Christ, I must share in His sufferings knowing that the suffering God has chosen specifically for me has a reason. The reason I must suffer is in knowing that through my suffering, God is going to teach me something. He is going to use it for my benefit and for His glory. When I understand that, I can rejoice because I know the suffering He has allowed into my life will teach me to persevere. It will teach me patience, it will give me hope, and it will yield fruit.

Now you might think that's an easy concept to grasp, and for some people it might be...but for me, it's been very difficult. I will be honest with you. I have struggled greatly over the past few months. I have wondered if I was going to be able to make it through this journey. I've had good days and really bad days. For some reason, it seems the bad days have outnumbered the good days but I've chosen to press on. Maybe I've been a little naive or maybe it's just been that old Pollyanna in me coming out...always looking for the bright side...whatever the case, I haven't given up. Sure, I've wanted to, especially when the pain was really bad, but I just couldn't. I knew that God was at work and who am I to challenge that? The only way I was going to get through these difficult days was to lean on my faith.

But how can I get to a point of rejoicing in my suffering? The only way I could do that is to really understand and know something deep in my soul! It never feels good to be in pain and no normal person would ever feel good about hurting but faith allows me to have a deeper understanding...a knowing that others don't share. What do I know? Paul says, "Knowing that suffering produces..." Suffering does something, accomplishes something. It is productive. It is of value. I know it works, and that is what makes me rejoice. Have you ever seen a woman in labor? Have you watched the expression on her face? The terrible, awful pain of childbirth is real! A woman in the throws of birth pangs is hurting but she suffers through it because she knows her efforts will be productive! She is going to receive a great reward...a beautiful newborn baby.

Suffering produces and Paul, in the book of Romans, tell me that suffering produces perseverance. In some versions the word may be patience. The Greek word literally means "to abide under, to stay under the pressure." Pressure is something I want to get out from under, but suffering teaches me to stay under, to stick in there and hang with it...stick-to-itiveness- hanging in there no matter what! It's not easy to do. Usually when trials come the first thing I want to do is run! I don't want to hang around and stick with it. But I know I must because God wants me to learn a valuable lesson. He wants me to learn that even when trials come, He will be there. He won't leave me alone. He wants me to learn about His character but He also wants me to learn about myself. God wants me to learn about His grace and His mercy, too. As I watch Him work things out in ways I never expected, I learn the next time a trial comes that I can trust Him. I won't be tempted to panic or bail out. I become steady. I can persevere. Suffering produces steadiness. If I didn't suffer, I would never have that quality.

Second, not only does suffering produce steadiness but character. The Greek word for character carries with it the idea of being put to the test and approved. It is the idea of being shown to be reliable. Steadiness produces reliability. I will finally learn that I am not going to be destroyed, that things will work out. People learn that they can count on me...that I have strength...that I am reliable. God will stamp my behind with His seal - "Tested and approved."

Third, I know that reliability produces something. Suffering produces steadiness, steadiness produces reliability, and reliability produces hope. Paul spoke of "rejoicing in hope," the hope of sharing the glory of God, a hope for the future beyond death. But here is hope that I will share the glory of God, which is God's character, right now. I have the hope that God is producing the image of Christ in me right now. That's a great thing! And this hope is a certainty, not just a possibility. I am being changed. I can see myself changing a little each day. I am becoming more like Jesus. I can see that I am more thoughtful, more compassionate, more loving. I am being mellowed. I am becoming like Christ -- stronger, wiser, purer, more patient. To my amazement, a certainty grows in my heart that God is doing His work just as he promised. He is transforming me into the image of His Son. He is using my Cancer to conform me into His image and He can use your trial or health issue to do the same for you.

The final point Paul makes is that hope does not disappoint. Hope makes me confident. Hope, or certainty, produces confidence and boldness. I lose my fear of ridicule and shame, and I can speak up and share out of the reality of my experience of what God has brought me through. In the flesh, at the point of pain and suffering, it's natural to feel that God does not love me. It is easy to feel rejected. It's easy to get used to thinking that love is something that blesses me and warms me and takes care of me. It is almost impossible for me to think that I am being loved when I am hurting. It is hard for me to believe that the one who is doing the hurting is doing it out of genuine love for me. But God's love for me is beyond my comprehension. In the flesh, I feel broken, worthless, and forgotten. But this is where I must remember the cross.

The cross is where Christ suffered and died for me. So when Paul tells me that I must share in Christ's sufferings, he wants me to consider what Jesus did for me...for Bonnie. When I look at the cross, I see how ungodly I really am. I am not like God and I surely don't act like God. I see that I am a sinner. I have been involved in things that are hurtful. I have destroyed myself and others. I find myself lawless and selfish at times, and I know it was my sin that nailed Jesus to that cross. It was not His own sin, because He was sinless.

If you clearly knew God's love when you became a Christian -- when you were enemies and helpless and powerless -- how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you now that you are His child? Even though you might be suffering, even though you don't feel loved right now, even though it seems as though God is against you, how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you?

Paul is arguing from the greater to the lesser. If God could love you when it was so evident to you that you didn't deserve it, how much more must you count upon His love now that you know that you are dear to Him and loved by Him?

God helped me understand that this suffering wasn't allowed to come into my life because God was angry with me; it came because of His deep love for me! It came from the heart of a Father who is putting me through some development that I desperately need to grow into the kind of a person I desperately want to be. And He loves me enough that He will not let me off the hook, but will take me through it. Therefore it is not his anger that I am experiencing, but His love.

That is what Hebrews 12 argues, isn't it? If we have been disciplined by the fathers of our flesh, and we know they love us, why can't we believe that God loves us when He puts us through times of testing and pressure and suffering. When you see that truth, then you can rejoice, because you know that suffering will produce the things that make you what you want to be. "No discipline for the present is pleasant. But afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it," (Hebrews 12:11).

God's purpose in allowing Breast Cancer into my life has been to bring me into the state of righteousness that He wants me to attain. He wants me to learn and understand perseverance, steadiness, stability, and hope. He wants to teach me to stand firm under trial knowing that He is working on me. Just like a potter shapes a lifeless lump of clay into a beautiful, useful vessel or a stone smith chips away at an ugly rock transforming it into a beautiful semiprecious gem, God has specific intentions toward me and toward you. He uses suffering to teach valuable life lessons. He longs for us to be transformed into Christlikeness and the only way we He can do that is to allow us to participate in the sufferings of His Son. This is why we can rejoice in suffering. This is why I can give thanks for my Breast Cancer even though it's been so difficult! Just knowing that God chose my trial makes me willing to persevere. He never said it would be easy and it definitely hasn't been...but in the long run, I know it will be worthwhile. So I won't waste a minute of my pain. I will ask God to help me embrace it and even welcome it for I know He's using it to refine me into the image of His Son.

Sweet Christina passed away with a smile on her face. I wonder if it was because she was finally free from pain or was it what she saw at the very moment her life slipped from this world into the next? Was she smiling because she beheld her Savior's face? I think that is more than likely the case because sweet Christina had hope. She had faith. She fought the battle that had been chosen for her and even though it seems the Cancer won, I think Christina is the winner because she is free. Her pain was not wasted. Her life touched the lives of so many others. I was honored to call her my "pink sister" and my friend. Even though we never met in person, she greatly impacted my life. Please continue to pray for Christina's family in the days ahead. It will be so hard for them to go on living without her, but God has a plan. He had a great purpose for her pain. Her struggle will not be wasted.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for the days when I am so weak...for the days I struggle...when I am so exhausted that I all I do is sit and cry. Forgive me when I look inward instead of upward. Forgive me when I feel sorry for myself and when I focus on how I'm feeling instead of what I know to be true. Father, please give me strength to persevere. Please provide a way out when I'm tempted to wallow in self pity. Please send words of encouragement to strengthen me through your Word. Please provide people along my path who will love me in spite of myself and who will be willing to walk this journey with me, helping to hold me up when I just can't do it any more. Father, I want to be strong but I am so weak...please help me in my weakness. I know in your Word you say that when I am weak, You are strong...be my strength, today and always. It is hard for me to thank you for pain, but I will because I know You have allowed it into my life. I thank you that even though I can't see what you are doing, I can trust you because you are trustworthy and true. You are my hiding place. You are my shield and my protector. Thank you that you have not left me to fight this battle alone. In the days ahead, Lord, please give me wisdom to look for your hand. Help me not focus on the pain. Help me not dwell on things I can't change. Please fill my heart with love, even for those who have hurt me deeply, for you call us to love even our enemies. Gracious Heavenly Father, I don't understand why you have chosen this path for me, but please help me be obedient to walk it faithfully with you and to learn the lessons you want me to learn. I know that nothing you do is in vain. Oh Lord, thank you for loving me...for dying for me...for saving me. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life, I am so humbly grateful. I love you, Lord...Amen.

PLEASE NOTE: I have removed some of the photos of Christina out of respect for her family and friends. I did keep one where she was so filled with joy because I wanted my readers to see what a beautiful woman she was. Cancer is a very personal and private matter but as survivors, we want our stories to count and I think Christina would have been pleased to know I shared a small portion of her story. She was a very valiant and brave warrior. I look forward to the day I can meet her in heaven.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf