A week in the life...

It's almost the end of January and it's been a little over six months since my surgery. It doesn't seem like it's been that long,  and I even had to double check the calendar to confirm the reality of that fact. During the past six months, I've been through an awful lot and I continue to have daily trials. It may seem like all I do on this blog is complain, but believe me, that's not my intention. Cancer is tough and that's a huge understatement. Hopefully, you'll allow me to share my difficulties without being judgmental. My purpose in sharing is to give you, the reader, a very clear and realistic picture of what life as a victim of cancer is really like. If you weren't interested, you wouldn't be reading my blog, now would you? So let me tell you what the past few days have been like for me.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday:
These were pretty rough days all around. Tamoxifen has been totally messing with my mind, my body and my spirit. The side effects continue to be a challenge. My main problem is being unable to sleep. Sleeping pills, both prescribed and natural, work for an hour or two and then don't. I toss and turn all night long and have started sleeping in the guest room so I won't disturb my husband. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, I start sweating profusely...night sweats, another side effect of the medication. I change clothes several times a night because of them.

During the day, I have hot flashes. They sneak up on me when I least expect it. For example, Monday I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I was feeling perfectly fine one minute and the next, I felt like Mt. Vesuvius had erupted inside my body. I was so hot, I had to take off my shirt and start fanning myself. I am a cold natured person. I rarely ever get warm because I have no thyroid gland to regulate my body temperature like normal people do. Sure, I take synthetic thyroid replacement hormones, but even they don't keep my body temp at normal. My normal temp is 97.1 or lower while most normal people register a lovely 98.6. So when I get a hot flash, I mean it's HOT. The hot flashes come and go, thank goodness they don't stick around for more than about thirty minutes at a time.

I had several emotional meltdowns. Poor Phil! He tried so hard to comfort me and he is so sweet! He would look over at me and see the tears welling up in my eyes and immediately come over to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. The meltdowns start out small and then escalate. I don't have to be thinking about anything in particular and the tears just start flowing. I'm sure it's the medication because I'm normally a happy go lucky person. Feelings of hopelessness and despair overcome me and I feel like I'm losing it. I tell Phil I can't take it any more and that I'm going to stop taking the Tamoxifen. I don't like feeling out of control.

I also don't like the yeast infection that has suddenly appeared...another medication side effect. Tamoxifen messes with your body's Estrogen levels and that throws everything else out of whack. So I began drinking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar and got some over the counter meds from the drugstore that should help fix the problem.

Thursday:
I call my oncologist's office to tell them Tamoxifen is messing me up big time. While I'm talking to the nurse, I burst into tears. She consoles me and tells me it's going to be okay. She says she'll talk to the doctor and call me back. Later that afternoon, I get the callback. The nurse tells me that my doc wants me to stop taking Tamoxifen. I didn't dare tell her I already did! She says we'll discuss new medications at my appointment next week. I hang up the phone relieved that I now have official approval to stop Tamoxifen.

By Thursday evening, I'm starting to feel normal again...well, when I say normal, I mean pretty much my usual self B.C. (before cancer). I enjoy the evening without any meltdowns, hot flashes, or night sweats. The yeast infection is still here and is very bothersome (another side effect of the medication) but I can handle that.

Friday:
I'm feeling much better and wonder if it is possible to not take any more medication. I want to ask my oncologist if this is a possibility, but I know the answer before I even ask the question. He'll tell me that we want to be sure and keep the cancer from recurring and in order to do that, I need to take medication.  It sucks! I don't want to have to take medication for the next 5 to 10 years but I have no choice.

Although I'm feeling better physically, I don't feel great. I still have to deal with the lymphedema and now the yeast infection. There's no way to describe the discomfort I feel other than to do a little rant here so be prepared... I'm so sick and tired of having fat arms! My arms are so swollen that I can't wear hardly anything in my closet. My arms swell up and get so tight it feels like my skin is going to burst wide open and there's not a thing I can do about it other than wear the compression sleeves. So now, I have fat, swollen, hurting arms and a crotch that feels like it's on fire. But I really do feel better. At least I'm not crying about it! At least the emotional meltdowns are over! Now I just want to hit something!!!

And to top it off, I feel forgotten. There I said it. I didn't want to have a pity party here but I'm having a tiny one anyway. When I first was diagnosed, people I hadn't seen or talked to in years called or sent cards to let me know they were so sorry to hear my news. I felt so loved and cared about. For the past few months, not a single card or call have come in. I still need encouragement, even if it has been 6 months since my surgery. I am still struggling and I guess I will be for some time. Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving, as one of my fellow survivors says. You can't just forget about it and move on. It's always with you and the thoughts of recurrence are always in the back of your mind. No matter how hard you try, it's always there reminding you of its presence.

So you see, it's still a daily challenge. Oh yes, I'm thankful that I'm alive and I'm thankful every morning I wake up and see another day. I am so very grateful that I'm still here...but cancer is not easy...definitely not easy. But I keep fighting, it's all I have left and I won't give up even if I feel like I have no fight left in me...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stop it!

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25
  
I have been feeling rather anxious lately. In fact, for the past 6 months, I've felt anxious. I've been worrying about a lot of things, some with good reason and some only figments of my imagination, but the worrying has taken control of me. Today, I decided it has to stop. 

The dictionary defines anxiety [ang-zahy-i-tee] as distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune, an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. I've had this nagging feeling that something horrible was going to happen for some time now. So I wasn't all that surprised when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I just knew, when I found the mass in my breast, that it wasn't going to be a good thing. That was a legitimate reason to worry or be concerned. But what about all those anxious thoughts I've had since my surgery? What about those thoughts that maybe, just maybe, they didn't get all of the cancer cells? What about those thoughts that one day, perhaps in the very near future, they'll find a new tumor somewhere else in my body? All of those "what ifs" have been driving me mad! Those feelings, or "evil forebodings," as the Bible calls them, have gained a foothold in my life. 

The Bible tells me that I'm not to let my heart be troubled, distressed or agitated. I'm not only not supposed to let my heart be troubled, I'm not supposed to let it be afraid either. Listen to the Amplified version of John 14:27 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid." (Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.) In other words, Jesus is telling me to, "STOP IT!"

I don't know why I struggle so much with anxiety and worry. I've done it all of my life. I guess I've felt that if I worried long and hard enough, maybe my efforts would pay off in some way. What a lie! My worrying has done absolutely nothing but make me spend valuable time focusing on something that I had absolutely no control over! So, I decided that instead of wasting my time, I'd do some research. I'd dig a little deeper to see what the Bible had to say about anxiety.

In 1 Peter 3:4, the Bible says "... a gentle and peaceful spirit...(is not anxious or wrought up, but) is very precious in the sight of God. So, wait a minute! God didn't need my help with the problem, or perceived problem? He didn't need all my worrying? No! He wanted me to RELAX and focus on the good things He wants to give me. In Phillipians chapter 4, verses 4,6, and 7, I'm reminded to REJOICE. I'm not to FRET or have ANXIETY about anything. I'm supposed to give thanks in everything and when I do that, I will receive God's PEACE! 

So why was I worrying? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that when I worry, I'm usually thinking about something in the past, that's already done and gone, or something in the future that hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't focusing on the here and now. There was the problem! I needed to fix my mind on what was going on right this minute. 

A dear friend of mine told me several months ago, during a phone conversation when I was sharing something I was really worried about with her, an important truth. She listened patiently to my worrying and didn't say a word. Then she said, "Bonnie, look down at your feet." Although I didn't say it, I was thinking, "what??? what do you want me to do? Why do you want me to look at my feet? I'm trying to explain to you this problem that is weighing heavily on my mind." But instead of speaking a word to her, I looked down at my feet. I heard her voice on the other end of the phone saying, "are you doing it? Did you look down at your feet?" I replied, "yes." And she said, "good! Now tell me, where are you right now?" I said, "I'm right here in my living room." She told me that my problem was that I wasn't focusing on exactly what was going on at that very moment. I wasn't remembering where I was...I wasn't in the present! I wasn't in the here and now! WOW! As I thought about what she was saying, it made tremendous sense. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. This was the key to my problem with worry and anxiety. When I learned to just let go and focus on that exact moment, there was no cause for worry. I was just learning to BE. She was reminding me of Ecclesiastes 5:1 and I don't think she even knew it. "Keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing)..." She was teaching me to be a NOW person! Suddenly it all made sense! When I allowed my mind to be filled with worry, I "was borrowing" trouble (to quote my grandmother). 

Too often we spend our time in the past or in the future. That's why I'm not good at multi-tasking any longer. Just the other night, I was hurrying to get ready for bed and began brushing my teeth. While I was brushing my teeth, I was thinking about what I planned to do as soon as I finished brushing my teeth. As I was thinking, I reached into my bathroom drawer to take out the tube of toothpaste but instead of grabbing the toothpaste, I grabbed an antibiotic cream. Just as I was about to squeeze it onto my toothbrush, I realized it wasn't toothpaste! I was trying to hurry and finish one thing so I could get to the next thing. I wasn't focusing on what I was doing at the time. 

So what does it mean when the Bible says I'm to "keep my foot?" I think it means I'm supposed to stay focused and balanced! I'm supposed to think about what I'm doing right now and not focus on what might happen in the next few minutes, days or months. I think it means that I'm supposed to remember where I am and not think about past issues or events. There's a verse in Matthew that sums it up nicely, "Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

Instead of worrying and stressing and being anxious, what am I supposed to do??? STOP IT! I'm supposed to just chill out...calm down...relax! Instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the what ifs, I'm going to look down at my feet. I'm going to remember where I am and what I'm doing at that very minute. I'm going to learn from the past and prepare for the future, but I'm going to live in the present. I'm not going to allow Satan to use worry and fear to control me. There's one more verse in the Bible that I need to share with you here - "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7. It's not my job to handle the problems...it's God's job. When I can let go of my desire to "do something" to help Him out, I'll be a whole lot better off and you will too! So in closing, I'd like to say, "STOP IT!" I'd also like you to promise me you'll take about 6 minutes of your time to watch this little video by Bob Newhart. (The link to the video is below this post.) It's funny but it's filled with truth. I downloaded it and I keep in on my computer so I can play it back for myself often. It's a wonderful reminder when I find myself tempted to start worrying again. Perhaps you'll want to save it to your computer too. Enjoy and remember, worrying and feeling anxious don't solve anything, they just give you something to do to keep busy. Life is too short to waste a single minute, so relax and enjoy it! Watch Bob Newhart's skit "Stop It!" 

@bonnie annis all rights reserved

The little engine that could

When I was a child, I remember my mother reading me the story of the "Little Engine that Could" by Watty Piper. It was a great children's story focusing on the power of positive thinking. In the story, a long train must be pulled over a high mountain. Several big train engines refuse when they are asked to help. Then the request is made to a very small train engine who agrees to try. The engine succeeds in pulling the train over the mountain while repeating its motto: "I-think-I-can." I love that story because it's a story of hope and determination!

Daily I face many challenges and often times, simple things become next to impossible to accomplish but I keep pushing...I keep trying...I keep saying to myself, "I think I can." Without that determined attitude, I don't think I would be doing as well as I am. When I find that I'm unable to do something I really want to do, my husband reminds me that it's only been 4 months since my surgery. That little reminder helps me realize that I'm doing pretty good and while my energy and strength haven't fully returned, day by day, I'm getting just a little bit stronger.

Yesterday was a long, hard day for me. My daughter was coming down to visit so I began doing the housework early. There was laundry to do, floors to be mopped, bathrooms to be cleaned, and carpets to be vacuumed. My house has always been kept extremely clean but since surgery, I can't keep up the way I did in the past. Instead of cleaning twice a week, now I only do major cleaning twice a month.

My daughter had come down for me to cut and color her hair. That doesn't sound like a complicated thing for most people but having to use my arms so much cause them to really swell up even with my lymphedema sleeves on. I pushed through the pain saying over and over to myself, "I think I can...I think I can."  I did a good job of keeping her from knowing I was hurting.

Later in the day, my daughter needed to run out to the store and asked if I would mind babysitting for a bit. I love spending time with my granddaughter and told her it would be no problem. I was already very tired, but I kept on chugging along. Keeping up with a 15 month old is challenging especially when you're already physically exhausted but I did it.

When it was time for bed, I became very emotional. I was so exhausted and my arms were huge. I cried a little and then fell fast asleep. When I awoke this morning, ready to start the day, I climbed out of bed with my heart set on keeping a steady pace instead of pushing myself so hard. If I do that, "I think I can" will become "I know I can."

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Discovering my pearl

In 2009, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to China on a mission trip. I'd never been out of the country in my life, so this was going to be a wonderful adventure. There were so many things I was looking forward to experiencing...the people, the culture, the sights and sounds...everything would be a new and exciting memory.

After arriving in the country and getting acclimated for a few days,  I felt more at ease. Amid our busy days of service teaching Chinese students English as a second language, our team leader and host missionaries planned small sight seeing trips. One of the trips took us to Gulangyu Island where we were able to meet the owner of Pearl World, a small shop specializing in pearl jewelry. The pearls were collected daily by local divers and the owner of the shop made the pearls into beautiful necklaces, bracelets, and rings. I enjoyed talking with the owner and learning how the pearls are formed.

She explained that pearls are produced when a foreign object enters an oyster's shell. It usually begins forming around a grain of sand or an egg of some parasite that invaded the oyster. The oyster protects itself by layering the irritant with nacre—mother-of-pearl—until, out of pain and suffering, it forms an object of great beauty. The offending particle actually becomes a gem of great worth!

Today, as I was rummaging through my dresser drawers, I came across a little black velvet bag. I knew immediately what the bag contained...my pearls. I took them out of their protective casing and held them in my hand. They were so smooth, so round, so white. As I fingered the pearls, I couldn't help but wonder how the oyster could take something that was meant to cause irritation and transform it into something so beautiful. I wondered if I could relate to cancer the same way.

Perhaps I'll never know why God allowed cancer into my life but surely it was for my benefit. Perhaps He wanted me to understand that although it was a constant source of irritation,  something of great beauty would come of it one day. Could I layer my suffering like the oyster had to create a product of great worth? No. Could God do it? Yes!

Daily I struggle and am reminded of the irritation of the effects cancer has had in my life. But instead of focusing on the irritant, I want to focus on the layers that God is applying over it. One of the first layers I've seen is the layer of peace. Things that normally would cause me worry or concern are gone and have been replaced with God's inexplicable peace. Another layer I'm seeing is the layer of love. In the past, although love has always been present, it wasn't as unconditional as it is now. I am finding I am able to see things through God's eyes...through His love...instead of through my own earthly eyes. Another layer I see growing is the layer of hope. God has been applying His truths to my injury and is smoothing out the rough edges. I have a feeling the next layer to come will be the layer of joy! Layer upon layer, a precious gem is built and who, in looking at the precious pearl, would ever know that it all began with something so painful?

As I slipped the strand of pearls back into the velvet bag, I offered a silent prayer of thanks to God for the miracle of healing. Although it hasn't been easy, I know He's layering His love all over my pain and making it into something of great worth. Cancer will constantly be a reminder of a huge struggle in my life but God's layering of peace, love, hope, and joy will make the ugliness of the struggle beautiful.


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Finding God's purpose

Since I wrote in my blog last Monday, I've had a very difficult week. One of the reasons I decided to write only once a week was because I just couldn't muster up the energy to continue on a daily basis. You see, I've been struggling. Daily it seems I meet a new challenge. The physical challenges are easy to identify...one day it might be extreme fatigue, the next day it might be a lack of appetite, and then there's the rawness of my skin...so burned and so painful that I could barely stand to have anything touch me. And then, there's the emotional side...the side that's a little harder to understand and identify. I've cried a million tears...begged and pleaded with God. I've been depressed and lonely. I've felt totally abandoned...I've struggled in ways that no one but God has seen. I've felt ashamed and unlovely. But even in all of the struggling, I know God has never left my side. He's always been right with me.

Yesterday was a really hard day and after I explain why, you'll more than likely wonder how I could let the life of a complete stranger affect me so much. What you'll really wonder about is how I could connect on such a deep level with a complete stranger through Facebook, but that's one of the wonders of the internet. There's a "pink sisterhood" out there...all over the internet women in various stages of Breast Cancer connect...and the reason we connect so easily is because we can truly understand one another's struggle.

Not long after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was on the internet searching for any and all information I could find about Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I wanted to learn everything I could about the type of Cancer that I was dealing with at the time. As I was searching, I came across several Breast Cancer support groups on Facebook and decided to join them since I had no support other than close friends and family. I needed people to rally around me. I needed women who could relate to what I was experiencing. I needed their wisdom and expertise. At first, the support groups were great. I was able to find other women who shared my same diagnosis. I was able to ask questions and get answers from women who'd already had mastectomies, lymph node removal, chemotherapy and radiation. These "pink sisters" were more than happy to help. No question was too silly to ask and boy, did I have a lot of questions. As time went on, I found that more often than not, many of the women were very negative. They were dragging me down. So I left those groups. It was important for me to find women of strong Christian faith...women who had hope. I searched again and found another group on Facebook, "Christian Women Living with Breast Cancer," and I immediately joined it. What a difference I saw in the comments, encouragement, and attitude of these women. They were so kind and so loving. Finally, I felt at home with others like me.

A month ago, as I was reading a post by one of the women. She was asking for prayer for a friend. I was intrigued by the photo she had posted of a young mother struggling with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Triple Negative is a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer is hard to treat because it isn't fed by Estrogen, Progesterone, or Her-2 Neu (thus the name Triple Negative. Most Breast Cancers are fed by one or more of these three hormones and knowing which ones cause the Cancer to grow allows doctors to aggressively treat them with anti hormone therapies.)



The woman's name was Christina Newman. She was just 39 years old, a wife, and the mother to two young girls. She had been fighting for 4 years. She had invited the public into her life by hosting V-logs (video blogs) where she shared her daily life with her viewers. She had quite a following and I was one of those followers. She was open and honest and raw. She shared her good days and her bad days. She wanted others to know what Breast Cancer was like. She had been through all the treatments her medical team could give her but the Cancer had metastasized. Her liver was the size of a basketball and she was in extreme pain, but even though she was in horrendous pain, she always had a smile on her face. She had a positive attitude. I had the honor of corresponding with Christina several times over the past month. I was able to ask her questions and offer her my love and support. She was always gracious...always kind.

The last V-log Christina had posted was hard to watch. It was obvious from her facial expressions that she was in pain. She'd just had a last ditch chemo treatment in an attempt to shrink the massive tumor that was taking over her liver. Her skin was jaundiced and her eyes looked so weak, and yet she was able to smile. Her spirit was amazing. She was so brave.

On Friday of this past week, Christina was moved to Hospice. The doctors had done all they could do. Her family was preparing for the inevitable. Last night I saw another post...a photo of Christina holding her youngest child...18 month old Ava. It touched my heart. I could feel her pain.


Last night, Christina lost her battle with Cancer. She passed away peacefully surrounded by her loved ones at 1:40 p.m. Mountain time. One of her family members posted a picture of her peacefully resting. I'm not sure if it was just before or just after her death, but it hit me hard. Even at that point on her journey, a smile was on her face...she was filled with peace. I wondered if I would respond the same way.

I cried and cried. I cried for Christina. I cried for her family. I cried for me. The reality of Cancer was hard to accept. I didn't want to fight and fight and fight Cancer only to have it win someday. I just wanted to live. Christina fought valiantly and even still, Cancer won. As I thought about her family and the devastation they were going through, I cried even more. So many women...all races, all ages...why? Why can't we understand what causes Breast Cancer? Why can't we find a cure? There were so many questions and so few answers.

Recently I read a quote that said, "God never wastes our pain, only we do." What a thought provoking statement that was to me. For months now, I've wondered why God allowed me to have a close encounter with Breast Cancer. What was His plan, what was His purpose? I've always lived close to Him, always tried to do His will...what have I still not learned?

You've heard the saying before, "don't judge a book by its cover." From first glance, most people I meet think I'm the typical middle class American woman, wife and mother. They think I'm average. I've lived a hard life...a life that hasn't always been pretty. Sometimes, the ugliness came from choices others made for me and sometimes it came from choices I made myself, but still, the ugliness came. I've been hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've fought adversity most of my life and throughout every painful part of my life journey, God has been there. He's seen me at my best and He's seen me at my worst, but most of all, He's loved me in spite of my choices.

God gave me free will, just like He's given it to you. It has always been my choice to either choose His will or mine. I regret having to say that many times throughout my life, I chose my will over His and suffered the consequences. He gave me that right. He gave me the opportunities. Often I knew better but chose unwisely. When I realized I'd made a mistake, I immediately came back to God and asked for forgiveness. He was always so ready and willing to accept me back into His loving arms. He never said, "I told you so," instead He tenderly opened His arms of love and embraced me calling me His precious child. So why would my loving, caring, Heavenly Father allow His beloved daughter to experience the pain and agony of going through Breast Cancer? I've asked myself that for months, but today, I asked God and His Word gave me the answers. Listen to some of them:

"And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:17

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)

So what those verses tell me is that as a follower of Christ, I must share in His sufferings knowing that the suffering God has chosen specifically for me has a reason. The reason I must suffer is in knowing that through my suffering, God is going to teach me something. He is going to use it for my benefit and for His glory. When I understand that, I can rejoice because I know the suffering He has allowed into my life will teach me to persevere. It will teach me patience, it will give me hope, and it will yield fruit.

Now you might think that's an easy concept to grasp, and for some people it might be...but for me, it's been very difficult. I will be honest with you. I have struggled greatly over the past few months. I have wondered if I was going to be able to make it through this journey. I've had good days and really bad days. For some reason, it seems the bad days have outnumbered the good days but I've chosen to press on. Maybe I've been a little naive or maybe it's just been that old Pollyanna in me coming out...always looking for the bright side...whatever the case, I haven't given up. Sure, I've wanted to, especially when the pain was really bad, but I just couldn't. I knew that God was at work and who am I to challenge that? The only way I was going to get through these difficult days was to lean on my faith.

But how can I get to a point of rejoicing in my suffering? The only way I could do that is to really understand and know something deep in my soul! It never feels good to be in pain and no normal person would ever feel good about hurting but faith allows me to have a deeper understanding...a knowing that others don't share. What do I know? Paul says, "Knowing that suffering produces..." Suffering does something, accomplishes something. It is productive. It is of value. I know it works, and that is what makes me rejoice. Have you ever seen a woman in labor? Have you watched the expression on her face? The terrible, awful pain of childbirth is real! A woman in the throws of birth pangs is hurting but she suffers through it because she knows her efforts will be productive! She is going to receive a great reward...a beautiful newborn baby.

Suffering produces and Paul, in the book of Romans, tell me that suffering produces perseverance. In some versions the word may be patience. The Greek word literally means "to abide under, to stay under the pressure." Pressure is something I want to get out from under, but suffering teaches me to stay under, to stick in there and hang with it...stick-to-itiveness- hanging in there no matter what! It's not easy to do. Usually when trials come the first thing I want to do is run! I don't want to hang around and stick with it. But I know I must because God wants me to learn a valuable lesson. He wants me to learn that even when trials come, He will be there. He won't leave me alone. He wants me to learn about His character but He also wants me to learn about myself. God wants me to learn about His grace and His mercy, too. As I watch Him work things out in ways I never expected, I learn the next time a trial comes that I can trust Him. I won't be tempted to panic or bail out. I become steady. I can persevere. Suffering produces steadiness. If I didn't suffer, I would never have that quality.

Second, not only does suffering produce steadiness but character. The Greek word for character carries with it the idea of being put to the test and approved. It is the idea of being shown to be reliable. Steadiness produces reliability. I will finally learn that I am not going to be destroyed, that things will work out. People learn that they can count on me...that I have strength...that I am reliable. God will stamp my behind with His seal - "Tested and approved."

Third, I know that reliability produces something. Suffering produces steadiness, steadiness produces reliability, and reliability produces hope. Paul spoke of "rejoicing in hope," the hope of sharing the glory of God, a hope for the future beyond death. But here is hope that I will share the glory of God, which is God's character, right now. I have the hope that God is producing the image of Christ in me right now. That's a great thing! And this hope is a certainty, not just a possibility. I am being changed. I can see myself changing a little each day. I am becoming more like Jesus. I can see that I am more thoughtful, more compassionate, more loving. I am being mellowed. I am becoming like Christ -- stronger, wiser, purer, more patient. To my amazement, a certainty grows in my heart that God is doing His work just as he promised. He is transforming me into the image of His Son. He is using my Cancer to conform me into His image and He can use your trial or health issue to do the same for you.

The final point Paul makes is that hope does not disappoint. Hope makes me confident. Hope, or certainty, produces confidence and boldness. I lose my fear of ridicule and shame, and I can speak up and share out of the reality of my experience of what God has brought me through. In the flesh, at the point of pain and suffering, it's natural to feel that God does not love me. It is easy to feel rejected. It's easy to get used to thinking that love is something that blesses me and warms me and takes care of me. It is almost impossible for me to think that I am being loved when I am hurting. It is hard for me to believe that the one who is doing the hurting is doing it out of genuine love for me. But God's love for me is beyond my comprehension. In the flesh, I feel broken, worthless, and forgotten. But this is where I must remember the cross.

The cross is where Christ suffered and died for me. So when Paul tells me that I must share in Christ's sufferings, he wants me to consider what Jesus did for me...for Bonnie. When I look at the cross, I see how ungodly I really am. I am not like God and I surely don't act like God. I see that I am a sinner. I have been involved in things that are hurtful. I have destroyed myself and others. I find myself lawless and selfish at times, and I know it was my sin that nailed Jesus to that cross. It was not His own sin, because He was sinless.

If you clearly knew God's love when you became a Christian -- when you were enemies and helpless and powerless -- how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you now that you are His child? Even though you might be suffering, even though you don't feel loved right now, even though it seems as though God is against you, how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you?

Paul is arguing from the greater to the lesser. If God could love you when it was so evident to you that you didn't deserve it, how much more must you count upon His love now that you know that you are dear to Him and loved by Him?

God helped me understand that this suffering wasn't allowed to come into my life because God was angry with me; it came because of His deep love for me! It came from the heart of a Father who is putting me through some development that I desperately need to grow into the kind of a person I desperately want to be. And He loves me enough that He will not let me off the hook, but will take me through it. Therefore it is not his anger that I am experiencing, but His love.

That is what Hebrews 12 argues, isn't it? If we have been disciplined by the fathers of our flesh, and we know they love us, why can't we believe that God loves us when He puts us through times of testing and pressure and suffering. When you see that truth, then you can rejoice, because you know that suffering will produce the things that make you what you want to be. "No discipline for the present is pleasant. But afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it," (Hebrews 12:11).

God's purpose in allowing Breast Cancer into my life has been to bring me into the state of righteousness that He wants me to attain. He wants me to learn and understand perseverance, steadiness, stability, and hope. He wants to teach me to stand firm under trial knowing that He is working on me. Just like a potter shapes a lifeless lump of clay into a beautiful, useful vessel or a stone smith chips away at an ugly rock transforming it into a beautiful semiprecious gem, God has specific intentions toward me and toward you. He uses suffering to teach valuable life lessons. He longs for us to be transformed into Christlikeness and the only way we He can do that is to allow us to participate in the sufferings of His Son. This is why we can rejoice in suffering. This is why I can give thanks for my Breast Cancer even though it's been so difficult! Just knowing that God chose my trial makes me willing to persevere. He never said it would be easy and it definitely hasn't been...but in the long run, I know it will be worthwhile. So I won't waste a minute of my pain. I will ask God to help me embrace it and even welcome it for I know He's using it to refine me into the image of His Son.

Sweet Christina passed away with a smile on her face. I wonder if it was because she was finally free from pain or was it what she saw at the very moment her life slipped from this world into the next? Was she smiling because she beheld her Savior's face? I think that is more than likely the case because sweet Christina had hope. She had faith. She fought the battle that had been chosen for her and even though it seems the Cancer won, I think Christina is the winner because she is free. Her pain was not wasted. Her life touched the lives of so many others. I was honored to call her my "pink sister" and my friend. Even though we never met in person, she greatly impacted my life. Please continue to pray for Christina's family in the days ahead. It will be so hard for them to go on living without her, but God has a plan. He had a great purpose for her pain. Her struggle will not be wasted.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for the days when I am so weak...for the days I struggle...when I am so exhausted that I all I do is sit and cry. Forgive me when I look inward instead of upward. Forgive me when I feel sorry for myself and when I focus on how I'm feeling instead of what I know to be true. Father, please give me strength to persevere. Please provide a way out when I'm tempted to wallow in self pity. Please send words of encouragement to strengthen me through your Word. Please provide people along my path who will love me in spite of myself and who will be willing to walk this journey with me, helping to hold me up when I just can't do it any more. Father, I want to be strong but I am so weak...please help me in my weakness. I know in your Word you say that when I am weak, You are strong...be my strength, today and always. It is hard for me to thank you for pain, but I will because I know You have allowed it into my life. I thank you that even though I can't see what you are doing, I can trust you because you are trustworthy and true. You are my hiding place. You are my shield and my protector. Thank you that you have not left me to fight this battle alone. In the days ahead, Lord, please give me wisdom to look for your hand. Help me not focus on the pain. Help me not dwell on things I can't change. Please fill my heart with love, even for those who have hurt me deeply, for you call us to love even our enemies. Gracious Heavenly Father, I don't understand why you have chosen this path for me, but please help me be obedient to walk it faithfully with you and to learn the lessons you want me to learn. I know that nothing you do is in vain. Oh Lord, thank you for loving me...for dying for me...for saving me. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life, I am so humbly grateful. I love you, Lord...Amen.

PLEASE NOTE: I have removed some of the photos of Christina out of respect for her family and friends. I did keep one where she was so filled with joy because I wanted my readers to see what a beautiful woman she was. Cancer is a very personal and private matter but as survivors, we want our stories to count and I think Christina would have been pleased to know I shared a small portion of her story. She was a very valiant and brave warrior. I look forward to the day I can meet her in heaven.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf

Patient in affliction

Oh how wonderful it was to sleep late this morning. Just knowing I didn't have to get up and get ready for radiation was a huge blessing. Finally my skin could begin to heal and I hoped it would hurry up, because it's really gotten bad over the last few weeks. The burns on my neck are much more painful right now than the ones on my chest. (Did you catch that...I just said, I hoped it would hurry up...)

As I started to get out of bed, I heard this scripture in my mind -

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Romans 12:12

Be patient in affliction...patient. BE patient. BE PATIENT IN AFFLICTION. Okay, Lord. What are You telling me here? Have I not been patient over the last several months of treatment? Have I been impatient? As I continued to seek Him, He continued to impress upon my mind the need to be patient. 

As a believer, I know my life will be filled with various trials. In fact, it's a given. His Word tells me in the book of 1 Peter that I shouldn't be surprised when I face trials that come to test me. But my response to the affliction or trial is a clear indicator of the depth of my love for God. This was really disheartening to me to realize because my response to affliction, trials, and difficult days was not a response that often pleased the Lord. More often than not, I found myself complaining. When I was in pain, I didn't respond first with a calmness and a patient heart...I griped and complained. After all, isn't that our nature as humans? We want others to share in our suffering? We want them to know and understand the intensity of our pain? We moan and groan hoping for sympathy. That was not the epitome of patience. Patience is long suffering. Patience waits in surrender. Patience. Did I even have any?

As I thought about how I should respond to afflictions, my thoughts turned toward 2 men in the Old Testament.  Job, of course, immediately came into my thoughts.  He is known for his patience during unbelievable circumstances. I've written about him in my posts before. Whenever a Christian experiences suffering, 9 times out of 10, solace can be found by studying the book of Job. Job must have been an amazingly strong man of faith. He lost his children, his livestock, his health and yet he never cursed God.  Scripture tells us that Job was “blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.”  He was not a bad person, he loved God and lived his life to God’s glory.  So when his life fell apart, if anyone had a reason to say, “I don’t deserve this, this is not fair!  It was Job.  But, he didn’t do that.  He knew that his God loved him deeply and even if he never gained back all that he'd lost, he would always love his God.  Do I love that deeply?  Can I be as patient as Job?  Can I say, “If you take it all away, I will still love you and live for you?"  I really can’t honestly answer that.  I would like to think that I could, but I don’t know.  I know that my family has lost things that we once thought were "great," but looking back, we realized they were not so "great."  So there was really no loss.  Job experienced great loss and yet he remained patient in his affliction and God restored all that he had lost and blessed him twice as much.

Next I began to think about Joseph, the 11th son of Jacob.  His brothers were very jealous of him as he held the favor of his father.  They sold him into slavery where he ended up in Egypt.  His father Jacob was a godly man.  Though his sons were not as upright as Jacob, God still used them to build Israel.  But God set Joseph apart from the rest in order to fulfill a very special plan.  After Joseph had been sold into slavery he was sent to be a servant in the house of the Captain of the guard.  This was a great start for Joseph, until Potiphar's wife decided she wanted him for herself.  She was a very deceptive woman and had the trust of her husband.  She lied to him saying that Joseph tried to take her to bed and Joseph was sent to prison.  He stayed there for 2 years.  Genesis 39:21 says, “while Joseph was in prison, the Lord showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden.”  It says over and over that the Lord was with Joseph…in prison. So, I began to think...if I were Joseph, I would just want out of there.  I would never want to remain in prison, even if I had a fantastic job. I don't think I would have exhibited any patience! I would want out! But, Joseph never asked God to get him out of prison even though he was there for 2 long years. He had a lot of time to think about himself and about God.  He was stuck in a pagan land and his God was all he had.  He could either believe that his God would deliver him, or he could lose all hope.  He could be patient in his affliction or he could try to figure things out himself.

The deeper my walk with Christ, the more aware I am of the reality that no matter the reason for the affliction, my patience and trust in the midst of it teaches me more about the greatness of God than anything else.  Learning to embrace my suffering rather than trying to run away from it brings me into a deeper understanding of the sovereignty of God. I am blessed when I am patient in my afflictions. I experience God in ways that I would not if I did not choose this response.  I am loved by the faithful God of Job and Joseph...the God who never left them, but prospered them because of their trust and love.

I'm not always patient in my afflictions but I'm trying.   Lord forgive me for wanting instant relief from my pain. Help me in my weaknesses! Help me keep my heart searching for Your truth and Your hope. Oh how I long to be joyful in hope and patient in my affliction. Thank you for always loving me even when I struggle to be patient. Help me to remember you have a purpose for allowing me to suffer...that You have chosen to allow this for my own good. Father, thank you for always being strong when I am so very weak. Thank you for loving me through good times and through difficult times. You are so gracious and so merciful toward me even when I don't deserve it. Thank you, most of all, for sending your Son, Jesus, to suffer and die for me...just to partake in a tiny portion of His sufferings helps me understand the magnitude of the great sacrifice He made for me.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved