It's only a jacket

Doc and Gerri on the bike

Just a few more days until Christmas and all of a sudden, I've turned into a sentimental sap. Anything and everything causes me to start blubbering. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not usually like this. I think I've been watching too many Hallmark Christmas movies.

Each year, as Christmas approaches, I want everything to be just perfect...a cross between a Martha Stewart and Better Homes and Gardens Christmas. I work really hard to make my home inviting and do my best to fill it with memories my children and grandchildren will cherish. It's a lot of work for a few hours of celebration, but who cares.

The day after Thanksgiving we put up our tree and before you know it, decorations fill every nook and cranny. I  dig out all of my Christmas CDs and load the Bose so I have continual holiday joy filling my home. After everything is lit and decorated, I begin baking. Part of my gift giving includes special holiday recipes from years past and it's always a pleasure to remember good times as I'm cooking. Smells trigger memories and hopefully, there aren't burnt ones this year.

Today was a bittersweet day as I ran across a different kind of memory tucked deep in my closet. It was a chilly day and the thin chambray shirt I was wearing wasn't keeping me warm. Heading toward my big walk in closet, I began to rummage through my winter tops in hopes of finding something more substantial. My fingers skimmed over sweatshirts and long sleeve blouses, that's when I saw it, Gerri's jacket...that faded blue denim tucked deep. My hand stopped and paused reverently on the sleeve as I remembered my sweet best friend. I don't know where they came from but suddenly, the dam burst and I was standing in a puddle of tears.

Gerri and Doc at our last lunch together

Gerri had passed away earlier this year. It was so unexpected. When I received the news, I was devastated. My best friend had died. I couldn't process it. We'd just spent the weekend together getting our hair done, going out to eat, joking and laughing and now...she was gone. I didn't realize it until that very moment, as my hand slid down the jacket front...I'd never see her again. I couldn't pick up the phone and call her. I'd have no one to share my secrets with again. We'd never giggle so hard over her bladder control issues again. It wasn't fair.

I took the jacket down from the hanger, held it carefully in my hands thinking it might disintegrate and then all memories of her would be gone. The soft denim jacket was well worn. It was Gerri's favorite. When she'd died, her husband, Doc, asked if there was anything I'd like to have and the only thing I could think of was her jacket. She'd been wearing it the last day we were together. For some reason I just knew, if I held it up to my nose, I'd still be able to smell her...remember her. Doc had lovingly agreed to give me her jacket and had driven almost 50 miles to bring it to me one afternoon after things had calmed down a bit. I'd taken his sweet gift and hung it in my closet, thinking I'd wear it one day as the weather grew cooler, but the jacket had hung there for months and I'd forgotten all about it.

Holding Gerri's jacket was difficult. She had loved this jacket so much and had worn it everywhere she went. As I looked over the front of the jacket, I saw several pins she'd placed on it. There was one for women bikers, one for diabetes awareness and one for breast cancer awareness. That little pink ribbon...she'd put that one there for me. On the back of her jacket was a patch, another ladies bikers symbol. She and Doc were big Harley riders and it was important for her to let others know.

Me in Gerri's jacket

I gently unfastened the buttons and opened the jacket. I slipped first one arm in and then the other. As I managed to get the jacket on, I felt an instant warmth...like a huge, big, Gerri hug. Oh it was so sweet! I could almost hear her whisper in my ear, "It's going to be okay, girl. It's going to be okay." The cozy denim enveloped me and I stood there crying. All the sweet memories of my best friend mingled together into a massive, overwhelming gift that was too hard to bear. Struggling, I took the jacket off and hung it back on the hanger. I couldn't bear to wear it today or perhaps ever. I knew it was only a jacket but it held too many emotions...too many memories...too much love.

As I turned out the light and softly closed the door to my closet, I knew Gerri's jacket was safe in its place amid my winter clothes and the memory of my friend was nestled snug against my heart, just where it always would remain.

The lights on the Christmas tree twinkle brightly  as I stand before it. I'll miss you sweet friend but I'll always treasure your laugh, your smile, and your mischievous grin. Even though you're no longer with me physically, you'll always be in my hearts.

Just the other day, I was at the drugstore picking up a prescription. As I walked through the aisles to get to the pharmacy, I passed a row of feminine hygiene products. Suddenly, I felt a need to stop and as I glanced down there was a package of Tena bladder control pads lying on the floor. I swear I could hear Gerri's snicker starting up and then it turned into full blow gut wrenching laughter...but it wasn't hers I was hearing, it was MINE!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Sometimes the hard is too hard

Today I had the honor and privilege of listening to my oldest daughter, Erin, share her heart with me. Yesterday, she'd had the opportunity to go and visit a very sick friend, Heather. Heather is dying from breast cancer that's metastasized into her brain and liver. I knew before Erin even began talking that this was going to be a difficult conversation to have with her. I know her heart, you see,...it's so tender and loving and kind.

"She was so yellow, Mama," she said. I knew what that meant...Heather was jaundiced. Her liver had completely shut down and her kidneys weren't functioning well. I've witnessed this phenomenon before in another dear friend as she was on her death bed. It's a shocking thing to see, especially when the entire body turns yellow and the whites of the eyes turn a deep, golden yellow too. It looks so unnatural and scary...alien-like. I felt so badly for my daughter. Sometimes the hard is too hard.

Isn't it only natural for mothers to want to shield their children from the hard, hurtful things in life? I wish she wasn't having to go through this, but I knew it was necessary. She'd wanted to go to the hospital to say goodbye to her sweet friend. She needed to be there. I didn't want her to witness the very ugly side of cancer, but she's strong, this daughter of mine. Underneath that tough exterior, though, that carries her through the hardest of challenges, she's got a heart of gold. She's loving and merciful, tender and caring. Her friends love her because she loves them so well and is always so giving of herself. She makes me proud.

And life isn't fair. We both wanted to scream this at the top of our lungs and we're wondering why...why would God allow such a terrible thing to happen to such a young woman...a woman with 4 little ones who love and depend on her...a husband who'll be lost without her, who hasn't even had time to think about grieving over the fact that soon she'll be gone because he's been so busy...busy trying to hold things together, trying to be the glue that makes the things that are important cohesive.

My heart broke for Heather, the young mother, who lay dying in a cold, sterile, hospital bed. This young woman all yellow and swollen and her body wracked with pain. This sweet friend that my daughter loved and wanted to spend more time with but the pain medication kept her doped up and groggy. So she mostly slept while Erin was there visiting. Numbed to the reality that soon she'll be no more...

Tears streamed down my face as Erin told me how she'd felt led to grab a bottle of lotion on the way out the door to see Heather that morning. She knows God speaks to us in a still, small voice. He was preparing her for something bigger and she obeyed. She knows how important the gift of touch is to someone who's in pain. I listened as she told me about massaging Heather's back for her and how, as she gently rubbed for hours, she silently prayed. That's my girl...a heart of gold. And then, when Heather's Mom came back into the room, she commented on how Heather looked so much better, not as yellow, and Erin was glad the massage had helped. She was glad she'd listened to the voice of God and had picked up that lotion. He had a plan and Erin had been His instrument.

Our conversation continued and I listened between the words to hear Erin's heart...a hurting heart. She knows what's coming and knows it's going to be devastating. And this reality of cancer hits too close to home, I knew what she was thinking...my Mom has cancer...this could be her one day...While in the hospital room keeping watch at her friend's bedside, Erin's thoughts are tangled. Her own little ones are home with their Daddy so she could come and be with her friend. She probably wonders if he's fixed them lunch yet and whether the smallest made it down for his nap on time and then she thinks about Heather's little ones who'll soon lose their Mommy and it's overwhelming...sometimes the hard is too hard.

But even in the midst of the hard, God gives His grace. He provides a way for us to be strong and hold on. He reminds us that we can do ALL things through Him because we don't have to rely on our own strength, we have Him to cling to and He provides. He knows the needs. He sees everything and even when it seems like life is so unfair and unjust and cruel, He always shows up...just in the nick of time. He's there with us. He never leaves us alone or forsaken.

Suffering is such a vital part of life. It teaches us things we can never learn without it. It teaches us to have compassion and patience. It teaches us to understand and let go of the things that don't matter. Suffering is a great teaching tool that God uses in our lives but most people don't see it that way.

"The doctors have said two weeks...two weeks is all the time she's got left," Erin said. But we both know they're only guessing, they aren't God. That time frame is just a reminder that Heather's time here is so very short, but then again, none of us are promised tomorrow.

The visit was over and it was time to say goodbye. Erin knew it was going to be a hard thing to say her final goodbye to her friend but she did it in the most beautiful way...she told Heather she loved her and was so thankful they'd become friends and then she prayed over her. Heather may or may not have heard all the words Erin said but I know she felt Erin's heart.

Yes, sometimes the hard is too hard, but God always sees us through it. He gives strength when we need it most and He orchestrates everything according to His plan. And when we look at life that way, we can accept and even welcome the hard that comes because we know He is all sufficient and He is the rock we can cling to when life seems too hard to bear.

Please, won't you say a prayer for Heather as she prepares to go home to heaven? Pray that God will allow her journey to be swift and free from pain. Pray for her husband as he prepares to face the reality that his wife will soon be gone. Pray for God to give him strength to face the difficult days ahead. Pray for grace as he walks through his own hard dealing with the overwhelming grief that will come. Pray for the little ones and for God to hold them close as they come to understand the finality of death. Pray for the community to surround all of them with love and kindness in the days ahead and for God's provision for all of their needs, financial, emotional and spiritual. And one last request, would you say a special prayer for my daughter, Erin, that God would continue to use her to minister His love to others who are hurting but that He'd also protect her heart as she walks through her own hard of learning to lose a friend graciously?

Thank you so much. I know you'll lift up these needs as God places them on your heart. Sometimes the hard is too hard but we must always have hope. May the God of all comfort be everything you need as you travel your own hard and may you never forget His promise to never leave us to face the hard alone.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oh no...not, another one

"Her body is shutting down, the doctors said." I could hardly believe it as my daughter softly spoke  those words into the phone. We'd been expecting it, but the words weren't easy to hear. As they sunk in to my heart, everything inside me wanted to cry out....NOOOOOOOO! NOT ANOTHER ONE. How many more young mothers would cancer steal from their families? And then I thought about myself. I was old. My children were grown and yet, the sting didn't hurt any less. Cancer's inevitable reality was getting too close for comfort. It was sneaking up on me. I was just 16 months into my survivorship.

For months, my oldest daughter has been loving on and ministering to this young mother and her family. (I won't share her name to protect her privacy.) There have been good days and bad days. On the good days, there's been laughter and joy. On the bad days, there's been silence and suffering. It's been a challenging time. A time for friends to rally and show their love. Hard lessons have been learned and grace has been extended. It's been a community effort. It really does take a village...

Although everyone knew this day would come, no one expected it to come so suddenly, but God works in mysterious ways. His timing is not our timing. He had planned and orchestrated every event to work into His plan perfectly. Who are we to question?

The family has gathered at their loved one's bedside. What do you say at a time like this? How do you comfort them? What can you do? Words seem so meaningless and why waste energy saying things that will never be remembered? Isn't love more important? Just being there...that's what really matters. Love...just love.

My heart is broken knowing this young mother will soon slip out of this world into eternity, but I am so thankful she knows the Lord as her Savior. She's struggled so much and fought a good fight. At least when she gets to glory, she won't have any more pain and her body will be completely healed. It seems almost trite to say that, but it's the truth.

I am grieved for her mother. How do you sit beside the bed of the precious one you carried inside your body for 9 months...your beloved child, and watch silently as her organs begin to shut down? How do you stay there and watch those labored breaths? Oh the pain and agony that mother must feel as her daughter slowly wastes away. I can't begin to imagine...

And her husband...how does he say goodbye to the love of his life? He's been beside her through all the cancer treatments, the medical tests, the hair loss, the sickness and fatigue. Does he find comfort in knowing it's almost over or does he beg for more time with her?

Then there are the little ones...the four babes who'll lose their Mommy. How will life look for them in the future? Will they remember her when they're older? So many questions, so little time...and we don't have the answers, but there is One who does. And He's the One who holds our lives in the palm of His hand...Jesus.

Life is so short. We're only here for a few brief moments and then we're gone. May every moment of every day you have left on this earth be one you hold precious. Never take any of them for granted because in a twinkling...in the blink of an eye...they'll be gone.

“That though the hard might come and our hearts be broken, that brokenness isn’t bad. The tears are evidence of our love for one another. They did not stop that day, and they will not stop in the days to come. But tears are a gift, not something to withhold or bottle up—they are the essence of the best of life.” ~ Kara Tippetts from her book, The Hardest Peace

.© bonnie annis all rights reserved

You never know

A text message came in from my daughter, one of many I receive every day, but this one was different. This one was filled with emotion, even though it was impossible for me to hear her voice through her message, as I read it, I could almost see her face...hear her trembling words, see those trickling tears. "One of our guys went on a test ride and got in an accident," she said, "He was killed." I sat there as I read her message. I read it over and over again wondering who this person was and what had led to such tragic events.

Later in the day, she called and gave me more information. I could her the disbelief as she said, "Mom, he was so young, in his twenties, with a 3 year old little girl and a wife." I tried not to interrupt. I knew she needed to let the words flow to allow healing to begin. When she finished, I commented that none of us ever know when our last day on Earth will be. I told her I was so very sorry. 

I couldn't help but wonder about this young man and his family. Did his wife get to tell him goodbye that morning as he went off to work? Did she tell him she loved him? Did he promise to see her later that day for dinner? I wondered if, as he walked out the workplace door to perform the test ride on that company motorcycle, what his thoughts were...was his thinking about how much fun he was going to have as the wind whipped through his hair? Was he thinking about how much time was left in the day until he could get home to his family?

Just shortly after he'd left the store, this young man had met his fate. It seems a bus pulled out in front of him and he was unable to stop. The collision took his life. He'd never see his young wife again. He'd never get to see his little daughter grow up. A split second. That's all it took for lives to be changed forever.

Imagine the hushed whispers that traveled through the workplace after they learned the news...the tears, the gasps of horror. No one could have known their day would be turned upside down like that and yet, that's the reality of life. We live and move and have our being according to the number of minutes God grants us. None of us know when our time will be up...when He'll call us home.

I couldn't help but wonder about the man's salvation. I asked my daughter if the young man was saved and she said she didn't know. We talked about how important it is to share our faith with the people we come in contact with on a daily basis. I think she understood in a much deeper way after this fatal accident.

Oh how my heart grieves for this one who was killed and not only for him, but for those loved ones he left behind. How will they cope? My prayer is that they'll have friends and family to come along beside them and help them walk through this hard...that they'll find comfort in the prayers and love of others, but most of all...that they'll find Jesus. And that He'll supply His perfect peace to cover over the difficult questions that need answers.

May we never take a day for granted. May we remember to tell those we love how much we care. May we realize that life is short and you never know when God's going to call you home. It could be in the next few minutes...are you ready?

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Inside out

Since my last post, I feel like I've been turned inside out. I've faced a gamut of emotions and no, they are not cancer related. First of all, let me give you the update on my ultrasound report - everything came back good. That was a huge praise and the oncologist said if I keep having pain, he'll do a CT scan. I was also supposed to have an MRI on my spine because of pain I've been suffering lately, but I had to cancel that test due to insurance issues. We have had changes to our insurance and have a much higher deductible this year (which we haven't yet met). If I'd had the MRI done, I would have had to pay $700 out of pocket up front and we didn't have that kind of money so I made the decision to forego the test. I'm praying that everything will be okay and that the pain isn't an indicator that the cancer has embedded in my spinal column. Those are palpable pains I've dealt with. Physical pain is much easier to handle than emotional pain.

Gerri and I

I have been struggling for the past week over the sudden death of my very best friend, Gerri. Gerri and I were very close friends and always teased each other saying we were sisters from other mothers. We went to seminary together and worked together. We were joined at the hip so to speak. She used to call me her "Ace Boon Coon," which I didn't understand until I Googled it. (It means a very best, loyal friend.) That was a good definition of our relationship. Gerri just "got" me.

I never had to pretend around Gerri. She knew everything about me and loved me anyway. That's rare to find these days in any friend, but she was unique in that way. She loved me even when I was unlovable. Gerri didn't care if my hair was fixed or if I wore makeup. Those trivial things didn't matter one bit to her. She just wanted to be with me and when we were together, we were like Mutt and Jeff...we were, as she put it "besties."

Last week, I had texted her to see what she was up to and she replied with a "hey, girlie girl." (That was another term of endearment she used with me.) We chatted a while and made plans to go get our hair done together. Gerri knew of a great stylist that she'd been going to for years. She told me she'd call Bethany and see if we could get back to back appointments. We planned to make a day of it, and we did.

Our sweet husbands drove us to Carrollton to the salon. Gerri went first because her hair was uber short and she was only getting a trim and her purple streak recolored. Gerri was bold that way. She always wanted to make a statement. She didn't care what other people thought of her, she just lived her life to the fullest. Bethany called us back and sat us in chairs that were side by side. She began to work on Gerri as we talked and made plans for the rest of our day. As Bethany began to work on Gerri, I couldn't help but smile as the pink foils were placed in her hair after the dark purple dye was applied. Gerri looked at me and said, "WHAT???" I started to laugh and told her she looked so funny. Then it was my turn.

Bethany worked on me for over an hour. I was getting a full head of highlights so she must have put in close to 100 foils. As Bethany worked, Gerri started to smile and talk about my family, asking how each one of my children and grandchildren were. She told me that my husband, Phil, was a good man and it was evident that he loved me. I glanced over to the waiting area to look at my sweet husband who was sitting patiently with Gerri's husband, Doc. How many guys do you know that would sit in a salon for over 2 hours waiting on their wives to get their hair done and not voice a word of complaint? Not many, I can assure you. After our hair was finished, we went to check out and make our next appointments. Once again, we made them together.

Gerri with her foils getting her purple streak

Once in the car, Gerri and I began to talk. Somehow, the subject of death was brought up and Gerri said, "when I die, I want to be cremated." I told her that I'd planned the same thing and said I'd already purchased an urn. I told her I kept it in the living room on the floor by my bookcase and if it survived being kicked over and broken, that I planned to have it used to carry my ashes over to Cumberland Island where I'll be sprinkled one day. Gerri listened intently and then said, "I want to be planted." "Planted?" I said. "Yes. I found a company that sells these little pots with dirt and a tree seedling in them and they say you can have your ashes mixed in with it and be planted." I looked at her in surprise and she continued, "I want to be planted where my grandchildren can climb up on my limbs one day." As I listened, I heard a deep sadness behind Gerri's comments.

Me in foils getting my highlights

After dinner, we drove back to Gerri's house to visit a little longer. When we got inside, Gerri sat down in her recliner. I could tell she was tired and I was too. She saw me adjusting my bra and said, "You know, you don't have to wear those things for me. Why don't you take them off?" She knew my prostheses were very heavy and hot in the summertime. They'd been riding up all day and I'd been having to yank them back down into place. She told me there were some empty bags in the kitchen and I could get one of those to put my "boobs" in, so I took one and headed toward her bathroom.

When I came back into the living room, we smiled at one another. "See, doesn't that feel better?" she said. "Yes! I hate those things!" I said. Gerri told me I should just not wear them and I agreed with her. She knew me well. She knew it embarrassed me to go out in public with out my "boobs" on. Gerri told me I needed a vest like hers. She said the vest was good camouflage and that often, she went braless. She told me that no one ever knew because she had the vest on to hide herself but it was so much more comfortable than wearing a restricting bra. We had a good laugh over it and then Doc, Gerri's husband, began tinkering with a new Bluetooth receiver he'd just gotten in the mail.

I made the mistake of asking Doc how loud his surround sound speakers would go. Doc loves music just about better than anything and I knew he'd enjoy cranking it up a little for a good cause. Gerri shot me an "oh, thanks a lot, Bonnie" glance and put her fingers in her ears. Doc increased the volume and we were surrounded by melodious notes.

The sun was going down and I told Gerri we'd better be getting on back home. As we said our goodbyes, I gave her a big hug and started down the stairs. She called me back and said she wanted just one more hug, so I obliged. We got in our car and waved as we pulled off.

On Friday, June 26th, I got a Facebook message from one of my seminary professors, Dr. Gary Greene. Gary had been the instructor for a class that Gerri and I had taken together. I hadn't talked to him in years, so when I received his message to contact him, I was taken aback. When I got in touch with him, he asked if I'd heard about Gerri. I replied that I had not and he proceeded to ask me to call him. I knew at that point that something was very wrong.

Gary answered my call almost immediately. Again, he asked if I'd heard about Gerri. I responded that I had not and asked what was wrong. Gary told me that Gerri was dead. I could not believe my ears and at first, thought he was playing some sort of sick joke on me. I questioned him, asking if he was sure and how did he know...who gave him the information, and he said he'd heard from one of his neighbors who was also a friend of Doc and Gerri's.

Immediately I called Gerri's cell phone number. I don't know why I did it, I guess I was just in shock and needed answers. Doc answered and I asked if Gerri was okay. He told me that she had passed away. I asked what happened and he recounted the story to me. Now it was starting to sink in, my best friend, the one person I felt knew me inside and out, was gone.

My heart was broken and it took days to process Gerri's death. I'm still struggling with it today. The only thing that gives me consolation is knowing that I will see her again one day. Gerri was a Christian. She loved the Lord with all her heart and wanted others to know it.

Gerri and I were so much alike. One of the things that drew us to one another was knowing our pasts were so similar. We were able to accept each other, warts and all. We never judged one another, we just loved one another.

I'm so thankful for last Friday. Spending those minutes and hours with my "bestie" will forever be etched into my memory. I can still see her sweet smile in my mind as she sat in the salon chair, hear head sporting pink foils clipped together on top of her head full of cropped hair. I'm thankful I had an inkling, while at dinner, to snap a cell phone photo of Gerri and Doc. Little did I know it would be the last time I'd ever see them together. I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to tell her I loved her as we left their house that evening and I'm so thankful I agreed to go back for that second hug.  Oh, if I'd been in a hurry, I might not have taken the time to give her one last squeeze.

I think God knew I'd need these sweet memories to cling to this week as I've struggled to process Gerri's death. I know Gerri's in the presence of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Her body isn't in pain any longer. She doesn't have to struggle in this wicked world for one more second either. My heart still aches for my sweet friend but I know I'll see her again one day. I can almost hear Gerri telling me to "suck it up and move on." She was very blunt at times but very honest to a fault.

I loved my "Ace Boon Coon" and I know she loved me too. I'm so thankful God allowed us to meet all those years ago at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. He knew we'd be important parts of each others' lives and for that, I've extremely grateful.

Gerri and her son, Jeff

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Homegoing celebration

Yesterday, I had the honor and privilege of watching a memorial service for my sweet friend, Kara Tippetts, via live streaming over the internet. The service was held in her home town of Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her blog had announced earlier this week that a live streaming service would be held due to the public response to her death. When I first read about it on her blog, I knew I'd have to watch even though I knew it would be very difficult. I entered a reminder on my smartphone to make sure I didn't miss the streaming feed. It was shown at 1:15 p.m. MST and lasted just short of an hour.

At 4 p.m. EST, my cellphone alerted me to turn on my computer as the service was about to begin. I wasn't shocked, as I focused on the live stream, to see the massive amount of people who sat quietly in the sanctuary of Kara's church. Kara's life had touched so many. The service began very quietly and it was evident that the room was filled with deep emotion. One pastor got up to speak and brought a great message about Jesus raising Lazarus and how death was conquered at the cross. A small band played and then speaker came forward. Everything was done so tastefully and reverently.

As the speakers came to the podium, I could see Kara's husband, Jason, and their four children on the front row. They were visibly upset and were constantly wiping their eyes with tissue. I've been praying for them since Kara's passing. How very difficult it must have been for them to say goodbye to their beloved. Even though I'd never met Kara personally, I considered her a dear friend as we had bonded through Facebook and email messages throughout the year. I found myself tearing up as the service came to a close. It was hard to realize that she was gone.

For Christians, funeral services should be times of grand celebration...that's what I'm hoping mine will be when the time comes. I want people to remember how much I loved life and how wonderfully rich my life was while I was here on Earth. Tears and sadness are natural as we let go of the ones we love but we should also rejoice that the time has finally come for them to stand face to face with the One who loves them most.

I've been to many funerals in my lifetime. Most of those had been for Christian friends or family members. While it was sad to see their Earthly life end,  I knew their heavenly life was just beginning. What a great comfort it was to know where our loved one was headed...to heaven to be with the Lord. I've also been to funerals of non-Christians. Oh how sad those services were! The ones left behind had no certainty of where their loved one was going. In those instances, death seemed futile.

There's one difference I've noticed between the funeral service of a Christian and a non-Christian, and that difference is hope. The Bible says, "We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8 Christians know that when they leave this Earth, they go immediately home to be with Jesus in Heaven. Non believers are forever separated from Christ and no longer have the opportunity to accept Him as their Lord and Savior.

At the end of most funeral services held in the Southern states, an invitation is given just as the service winds to a close. The preacher wants to make sure no one leaves without at least having heard the plan of salvation. I've witnessed most of those invitations without any response from the funeral guests but on one occasion, I had the honor of seeing one of my relatives come forward and accept Christ as Savior. What a sweet moment that was!

Life and Death are polar opposites. One brings pleasure and the other brings pain. The reality of life is that it can end at any moment. Death is eminent. We will all die at some time or other. This realization helps us understand that we need to use our remaining time well.

Kara, shortly before her death said, "I feel like I’m a kid at a party, whose Father said it’s time to leave and go Home already….. And I am not afraid of dying — I just don’t want to go.” And who could blame her? Have you ever pondered how you might feel as you approach your last days here on Earth? I have done this recently. It's strange how cancer causes you to re-evaluate your life and how it shoves death right in your face. Watching Kara during her last weeks here, I realized the importance of dying well. Ann Voskamp, a wonderful Christian author and dear friend of Kara's said, "We love life more, the more we realize all this lovely life is transient." How very true her statement is to me. I've learned to love life more since being diagnosed, and Kara's life has been a wonderful example of not only living well, but dying well.

If you've never read Kara's book or her blog, you probably don't really know her. You may have heard her name as she was recently in the news when Brittany Maynard, a young woman diagnosed with a large brain tumor announced the specific day she had planned to take her own life through assisted suicide. Kara, though dying of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, wanted to reach out to Brittany and make sure she knew that God had a plan for her life...that she didn't have to do this...that God had allotted her a specific number of days to live and no one could know that number except God Himself.  Here's a short snippet of the letter for you: "Suffering is not the absence of goodness, it is not the absence of beauty, but perhaps it can be the place where true beauty can be known."
In your choosing your own death, you are robbing those that love you with the such tenderness, the opportunity of meeting you in your last moments and extending you love in your last breaths. As I sat on the bed of my young daughter praying for you, I wondered over the impossibility of understanding that one day the story of my young daughter will be made beautiful in her living because she witnessed my dying. That last kiss, that last warm touch, that last breath, matters — but it was never intended for us to decide when that last breath is breathed. Knowing Jesus, knowing that He understands my hard goodbye, He walks with me in my dying. My heart longs for you to know Him in your dying. Because in His dying, He protected my living. My living beyond this place. Brittany, when we trust Jesus to be the carrier, protecter, redeemer of our hearts, death is no longer dying. My heart longs for you to know this truth, this love, this forever living." (You can read Kara's complete letter to Brittany here.)

Kara was a wonderful, loving, caring, concerned mother and friend. Her faith was what carried her through her diagnosis and into her last days. She walked with God daily and made sure others knew He loved them. She lived well. She also died well. She died with dignity and grace. My hope is that I can follow in her footsteps when my time comes.

At 57, it seems the older I get the faster the days go by. Just yesterday it was Christmas and now, it's almost Easter. I feel an urgency to do the things I need to do before I pass away. When I was much younger, I never gave death a thought even though the Bible tell us that daily we are dying. As you think back over your life, can you say you've lived well? I hope you can. As you approach the later part of your life, do you ever think about whether or not you'll die well? I think about this often.

How can we learn to live well? To live well, according to Kara, is to live by faith...to walk daily with God and in His power...to love others and show them mercy. And how then can we learn to die well? Dying well involves trusting God completely....that even if He chooses to allow your life to experience suffering, that you will accept it as His good and perfect will for you...that you will be able to walk humbly with Him through every peak and valley and that you will continue to let your life be a reflection of His love.

Thank you, Kara, for such wonderful, valuable life lessons. Thank you for allowing me to call you friend. Thank you for taking time to answer emails and Facebook messages with silly questions and fearful thoughts when I first found out I had cancer. God used you to minister to my heart and I came to love you as a sister in Christ. Though you are now gone, you will never be forgotten. Your life touched so many and will continue to do so for generations. Rest in His presence, sweet Kara, and one day, we'll meet each other and I can express my gratitude to you personally.

Please pray for Kara's family...her husband, Jason, and her four children - Eleanor Grace, Harper Joy, Lake Edward, and Story Jane as they continue to grieve over their loss.

Kara's family

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16

"Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord—for we walk by faith, not by sight—we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:6–8



© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Is God still good?

Jason and his wife, Kara

Yesterday afternoon I lost another friend. Her battle with breast cancer had been going on for the past two years. We never met in person but connected through Facebook and emails. As our friendship flourished, I felt I'd gained another sister.

Kara Tippetts was an amazing woman of God. She was born in 1976, the same year I gave birth to my oldest child. She grew up in Indiana, and earned her BS in English Education at Indiana University. She met her husband Jason at a Christian camp located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They were married on May 16, 1998.

Kara met Jesus while in high school. Her youth leader read her a tract about Christianity and a friend invited her to youth group. Hearing a message about forgiveness prompted her to seek a relationship with Jesus, where she found total acceptance, kindness, and grace. While she didn’t experience instant change in her life, dramatic changes were slowly occurring in her heart. Kindness became Kara’s passion; it defined her relationship with Jason, and her four children: Eleanor, Harper, Lake, and Story Jane.

Answering a call to plant Westside Church in 2012, the Tippetts moved to Colorado where they soon after had to evacuate their home due to the Waldo Canyon Fire. It was this same summer that Kara received her breast cancer diagnosis. Despite beginning aggressive treatment for the cancer, Kara put her whole heart into growing and developing the new community that would become Westside, reaching out to others and teaching by example how to love and care for people well and sacrificially.

As the cancer spread, Kara courageously embraced her situation, trusting in a Sovereign God. She believed that cancer was not the point, but Jesus was; how she responded and trusted Christ in the midst of this hard was where she would find grace.

In the fall of 2014, David C. Cook published her story, "The Hardest Peace." The response to Kara’s book has been overwhelming. Kara fought harder than ever to live well and love others well and with intentionality. She refused to be defined by cancer and considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level. 

Kara fought valiantly for almost 2 1/2 years. During her struggle with cancer, she asked herself a question, "in the midst of life's hard, is God still good?" That question made me begin to think about my own life and how I would answer. 

In the middle of trials, we pray for the courage to get through. We pray that our faith will not fail. We pray asking God to help our unbelief, we pray for a miracle...yet often, God seems quiet. Tears stream down our faces and we wonder if He hears us at all. 

Nancy Guthrie, in her book "Holding on to Hope," says "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness - this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

God's grace meets us every day. Some days we see it and other days we barely notice it. Walking through the valley of breast cancer, the moments we cling to grace seem to multiply. When we realize we are absolutely powerless to control, change, or fix our current condition we find ourselves clinging to the cross. 

Kara lived her life well. She loved others well. She walked with Jesus daily even in the midst of life's hard. Yesterday, she finished well. As she entered the glorious gates of heaven, I imagine she walked straight into her Savior's arms and as He lovingly embraced her, heard the words, "well done though good and faithful servant."

Yes, God is good all the time. He is good in the hard things and in the easy things. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No, we may never understand the reasons He allows us to suffer but if we can just learn to trust Him in the good times and the bad times, we'll be able to embrace the grace He bestows upon us. His perfect peace meets us when we need it most. 

Can I dare say that God is good in the midst of my battle with cancer as Kara did? Yes! I have learned to accept both the good things and the not so good things from His hand. I have learned that nothing slips through His fingers into my life without His permission. Coming to grips with this fact has given me the most profound sense of peace I've ever experienced in my life and allows me to emphatically state that yes, God is still good. 

It was a very emotional day for me yesterday. This was the second friend I'd lost to breast cancer over the last 6 months. They both were so young. They both had small children. It seemed so unfair. But I had to remind myself that God is a just God. I don't understand His ways nor am I supposed to because He is God and I am not. I am thankful I had the opportunity to interact with them and get to know them well. They both impacted my life deeply. 

Perhaps my tears were not only for my friend, but also for myself. Perhaps they were for the countless women who will travel this road in the future. Perhaps they were the result of dread and fear that I will meet the same fate, I'm only human, you know? 

I love this quotation from the book, "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard - "Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the place which you dread, you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 

I have no idea what the future holds for me. As hard as it may be, I will fight to walk in faith. I don't want to live in fear and dread....I don't want to listen to those "what ifs" that Satan continually whispers to my mind. May I hold tightly to God's hand and walk in confidence and hope as I trust Him to lead me daily step by step. Yes, life is often hard, but God is still good, all the time. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Learning to live well

Kara Tippetts fighting for the last days of her life

Celebrating life. How many of us do that on a daily basis? I'd venture to say not many. Most of us go through life routinely without giving a second thought to tomorrow but there's no guarantee it will come.

Yesterday, I attended a wedding. It was a wonderful time of celebration. Family and friends had come to share in the joy of the young couple. It was a time filled with laughter and love.

I sat at my table watching the faces of those around me...just watching. I loved seeing the radiant smiles and watching mouths burst into laughter. Joy. Beautiful, happiness overflowing.

Constant conversation filled the room with an electric buzz as people who hadn't seen each other in a long time played catch up. Words were flying right and left. As I watched and listened, I noticed there were a few who sat in the room in corners, lonely. My heart broke for them. As the celebration continued, I realized we were celebrating not only a wedding, but life in general.

As we were driving to the wedding earlier that afternoon, we had passed a cemetery. As I glanced over that way, I noticed a family burying a loved one. As we drove on, I thought deeply about life and death. We were on our way to a wedding to celebrate the lives of those joining together in Holy matrimony while this family was grieving over the loss of someone they loved dearly. Thinking about their grief caused me to think about Kara once again.

Kara Tippetts is an internet friend. A little over 2 years ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had the honor of connecting with her a little over 8 months ago, right after I was first diagnosed. She has been a wonderful encourager to me...a mentor...a sister in Christ. Kara has a wonderful gift of writing and she's written a book called The Hardest Peace. It's the story of her journey through stage 4 breast cancer and how her faith has carried her through it. She's fought hard for the past couple of years and now, her weakened body doesn't have much fight left in it. She has been in Hospice care since March 2. She knows her days are numbered and still, even in the midst of pain and suffering, she chooses to honor God by walking with Him in faith. Kara is such an inspiration to me. I've kept up with her story daily through Facebook and through her blog, Mundane Faithfulness. It's evident by the recent posts that Kara's earthly story will soon end.

I watched joy fill the room of the tiny church and at the same time, my heart filled with grief knowing that Kara's family was clinging to every single moment they had left with her. They all know it's coming. Kara and her husband, Jason, have prepared the children to face the day it does come, but that doesn't make it any easier. How do you say goodbye to your best friend? How do you let go of your mother's hand forever? How do you slip quietly out of this chaotic world and into the glorious peace of the next? Kara knows. She's walked with faith from day one. Faith will carry her home.

As the wedding festivities wound down and people began to leave, I noticed each person left smiling. There had been such joy at the wedding. When we got into our car to leave, I noticed headstones in front of us. We'd had to park just in front of the church's cemetery. This jolted me back into thinking about Kara. Soon her family would be burying her but there was going to be a huge difference in her homegoing. Surely, it would be a time filled with grief, but it would also be a time of celebration. Kara's faith would long to rejoice at being fulfilled in her transition from this world into the presence of her Father. The death of a believer is beautiful because we know they are finally home with the Lord. The Bible tell us that the earth is not our home. We're just passing through. And that should give us great peace.

I watched Kara's video when I got home from the wedding. It made me cry because her story is so similar to mine. At the very end of the video, Kara makes a statement that touched my heart deeply.
"...In this today, I get to live well." ~Kara Tippetts

Living well. What does that look like? To me, living well, was clearly defined after I'd received my diagnosis of cancer. God helped me realize that every moment He'd ever given me was precious. I had wasted many of them but from the day of my diagnosis forward, I'd promised Him that I wouldn't waste any more...that I'd count each moment precious and in so doing, I'd learn to live my life well. Kara must have discovered the same thing. It's amazing how being faced with death changes your perspective.

You can learn to live well now. Don't wait for a brush with death to learn this valuable lesson. Love the ones God's placed in your life. Treasure each minute of your day. Don't take things for granted! Life is a precious gift and usually, you only get one chance at getting it right.

I hope you'll take a few minutes to watch this short video of Kara's life. I pray you can hear the fear and faith in her voice...the faith is so much stronger. I hope you can feel the pain present in her loved ones eyes. I hope you will see what it means to learn to live well.

Every day we have an opportunity to celebrate. We may not have a wedding to attend, but we can celebrate life by celebrating love. God has blessed us with such amazing grace and He has given us the beauty of love through family or friends. Look for things to celebrate. They're all around you. You woke up this morning didn't you? That's something to celebrate!

Watch a short video on Kara's journey

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Remembering what He has done

This morning, as I was having my devotional, I was taken to Psalm 105:5 "Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced." That verse is overpowering to me because God has done so many amazing things in my life. It's a miracle that I'm even sitting here today writing this blog post...oh if you only knew!

Three times in my life, I've looked death squarely in the eyes. In 1970, I was extremely ill. For over a year, doctors tried to find out what was wrong with me. Finally one doctor determined that the problem was gallstones and he prepared to do surgery. Little did he know that my gallbladder would burst on the operating table and gangrene would start to flood through my body. I was only 13. I almost died. It took a long time to recuperate but God watched over me and kept me safe. 

In 1991, I was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident. I was hit head on by a 2 1/2 ton truck. My car was totaled. My leg was mangled. The doctors told my family they may have to amputate but God chose to have the best orthopedic surgeon in Northeast Georgia on staff at the hospital that day and he was able to save my leg. Years of painful therapy and recovery took place. I spent a year in a wheel chair and another year on crutches. I had to learn to walk again, but I did it! With determination and hard work, I did it. I could have died the day of the accdient, but God protected me. 

In 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 2B breast cancer. Once again, God was with me. Instead of the mass being undetected and killing me, God allowed me to find it one day in the shower. He sent me to the best breast surgeon in Fayetteville and she was able to remove the tumor. Cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and she removed 6 of those too. But instead of Cancer killing me, I'm still here. 

I've faced many trials and adversities in my life. These are just a few of the more severe ones. Instead of focusing on the pain and trauma from these past illnesses and injuries, I choose to focus on the fact that I was never left alone. God was always with me. He orchestrated events according to His will for my life and He used those to make me the person I am today. He allowed me to go through all of those painful events. He allowed me to be physically injured. 

You may be wondering why God would allow me to be hurt. The only answer I can give you is  

perhaps it is the only way we can grow, and bloom and bear fruit. My very favorite verse in the Bible is John 15:5, "I am the vine, you are the branches...if you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. For without me, you can do nothing." He is the vine and we are the branches. We are supposed to abide in Him, attach ourselves to Him, remain in Him, "No branch can bear fruit by itself."

Have you ever been to a winery? Have you walked among the fruits of the vineyard? Recently, on a summer vacation, my husband and I stopped to visit one of North Georgia's wineries. We walked with the vinter through the vineyard as he explained which grapes were best for each type of wine. As we walked down the rows, I noticed there were several places on one plant where grafts were evident. As I asked the vinter about the grafts, he explained that by grafting these two types of grapes together, they could obtain a much sweeter wine. I was amazed to hear all about the wine making process and I couldn't help but think about my favorite verse once again.

In grafting, the tissues of one plant are inserted into the tissues of another so that the two sets of vascular tissues are joined together. The "vine" contains the desired genes to be duplicated in the branch! But we can't get connected without the wounds on both the vine and the branch! When God allows pain and suffering to enter our life, we are invited to join with Him. He sees we are strong enough to enter into a closer, covenantal relationship with Him. And He asks us during these times, "Do you still love Me? Do you still trust Me?"

During the times in my life where I've experienced extreme physical pain, I've had to remind myself that God allowed it to happen. I never blamed God for my injuries, but I knew He had specifically chosen them to mold me and shape me into the person I am today. Even as I continue to battle breast cancer, I find myself thanking Him for choosing this trial for me. But just because I thank Him, doesn't mean it is an easy trial. My suffering allows me to understand and partake of His sufferings which were magnanimous compared to my measily aches and pains.

As my body is wounded and I am grafted into His body, I find myself becoming stronger and stronger in my faith. I can honestly answer His questions with ease...Do you love me? Yes, Lord, with all my heart. Do you still trust Me? Yes, Father. I trust you. Even when I can't see Your hand, I trust Your heart. 

I'll probably never understand why God has allowed me to experience so much physical pain in my life but I am grateful that He's seen fit to walk beside me every step of the way. He's never left me or forsaken me. He's used my suffering to draw me closer to Him, so how can I complain about that?

There are people who've been through much pain in their lives and they've chosen to become bitter instead of looking for a reason behind the suffering. My faith in God has sustained me and given me hope that tomorrow will be a better day. He's shown me, this year, that He uses pain and suffering to teach valuable lessons. We just have to be willing students who are ready to learn.

There is a reason for suffering and pain. It isn't ever wasted. If you are suffering today, know that God is with you. He's promised never to leave you or forsake you. He may be using your trial to teach you something valuable about Him. Whatever the case, trust that He uses all things for our good, even the hard things.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another one gets ready to go home...

In an earlier post, I mentioned a very courageous woman I've met over the internet. Her name is Kara Tippetts and she is a wonderful woman of faith who is in the very last stage of her battle with breast cancer. Every day I check her blog to find out the latest news. Can you believe she's been posting throughout her entire journey? Even when she's been extremely weak and barely able to type, she does it because she wants her followers to be informed. She wants them to stay current on her struggles and she wants them, most of all, to understand her faith.

Kara, when she was first diagnosed, wrote a book about her journey called The Hardest Peace. I thought the title of her book was rather interesting...just the concept of peace being hard caught my attention. I bought and read her book right after I was diagnosed and I was so blessed by reading it. Kara used examples of her faith brilliantly as she wove the story of God's love through her life. I won't share the details of the story with you because you'll want to read it for yourself.

The reason I'm writing this blog post about Kara again is because her story is so close to my heart. Without sounding morbid, I can't help but put myself in her shoes. One day, and only the Lord knows when, I'll be at the point of death...I only hope I can finish as well as Kara will.

Kara with her husband Jason sharing a tender moment

The one lesson I've learned from following Kara's story is this...nothing but love matters. That sounds so simple doesn't it? And really it is simple! Over and over and over the main theme of the Bible is love. As Christians, our lives should so focus on love that nothing else is important. I think Jesus feels the same way otherwise, why would He have emphasized love so much? "…37And He said to him, "'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' 38"This is the great and foremost commandment. 39"The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'…" (Matthew 22:37-39)

As Kara's life nears the end, her one last wish is to be able to go to the beach with her family. She and I are alike in our love of the beach. It would also be my last wish. I feel the most close to God when I'm on the beach looking out at the water. Just the vast expanse of the sea overwhelms me. Just knowing that God, in His omnipotent power, not only created the sea but set boundaries to contain it amazes me. He is so much more than we can fathom!

Will you join with me in praying that Kara is able to have her last wish? I'm sure it will be a huge undertaking to have the medical equipment transported over such a distance and it will be a great challenge to work out the logistics for her family. I hope she is able to bask in the sunshine as she looks out at the rolling waves of the sea and feel the glorious presence of her Savior's love. I hope her family will savor every last minute of time they have to spend with Kara and that precious memories are formed.

Kara and her family at the beach before she got so sick

Life is so short, even 60 or 70 years seems to flash by in the blink of an eye...and we are reminded we are nothing but a vapor that disappears. "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." James 4:14

Let love be the most important thing in your life. It really is all that matters. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another one prepares to go home

Kara and her husband, Jason

As you've read in an earlier post, I have been following the life stories of several other breast cancer survivors. There's a type of understanding between breast cancer patients and we share a unique type of sisterhood, even when most of us have never even met. Earlier this year, I lost an internet friend, Christina Newman, a young woman, not even 40, who lost her valiant fight with breast cancer. I had followed her online story for months and months. I felt like I knew her well and I was honored to have email exchanges with her. She was so gracious to provide answers to my questions and offer helpful advice. That's just something breast cancer survivors do...we support each other. Those who are a little further along in their journey freely offer help to "newbies."

Not long after I found Christina on the internet, I found Kara Tippetts. The main difference in their journeys was that Kara was a Christian while Christina was not. Both of their daily blogs offered me a wealth of information and I chose to follow them daily. Today, I was sad to learn that Kara, another young breast cancer survivor and mother of 4 young children, has begun the journey home. Today her husband made arrangements for hospice to come and care for Kara. It was so hard to believe. Again, my heart was broken knowing that another "pink sister" would be going home soon.

Kara during chemo treatments

Death is such an integral part of life and as a Christian, it is a wonderful reminder that this is not our home, but facing that reality is very difficult. Kara has braved the hard in her life so well. She wrote a book called "The Hardest Peace," which chronicled her journey and she has spoken over and over again at women's conferences and churches sharing her deep faith in hopes of helping others understand how to live life to the fullest even when things are difficult. In her book, Kara says, "This is not a book about trying to win the hardest story. This is a book about a broken woman on the journey to know the hardest peace. Peace in the midst of hard. I speak both generally and specifically of hard, because hard is often the vehicle Jesus uses to meet us, point us to that peace, and teach us grace."

Kara has been an inspiration to me because as a Christ follower, I have been able to travel the road she's on with her while facing my own breast cancer battle. Reading her blog posts and "watching" her take each day moment by moment has given me a wonderful hope that I can travel through my journey just as gracefully as she has even though our journeys are very different.

Kara has been transparent in her sharing. She's shared the good along with the bad and that's her way of helping others see that she is "real." As a breast cancer survivor, one of our main objectives in our journey is to help others know that we aren't vastly different from anyone else. We don't possess super human strength. We don't have an extra measure of courage...but as Christians, we do have a wonderful gift of never-ending hope. We know that no matter how difficult the path becomes, we are never alone.

I am thankful for the internet and the various cancer survivors who have chosen to share their stories through blogs. When I started my blog at the onset of my journey, my goal was to use it as a way to process everything that was happening to me. I wanted to use it as a catharsis. I needed a place to write down what I was feeling and as I did, I found an overwhelming desire to share what God was teaching me in my life too. Like Kara, I began to understand that even though God had allowed this hard to come into my life, He had a wonderful reason...a perfect plan...and although I didn't understand it, He was going to use it to forever change my life and hopefully the lives of others too.

Kara's children

I will be lifting up Kara and her husband, Jason, in the days ahead. As they begin to accept that Kara's time on earth is drawing to a close, I will ask God to bless them with an extra measure of His love. I will pray for His comfort to surround them and envelope them. I will pray He sends people to love on them and help them through each moment. I will also pray for their 4 sweet little ones. Oh how difficult it will be on them to lose their Mommy. Won't you please join me in praying for them? If you would like to know more about their story, you can read Kara's blog. I'll put the link at the end of this post but please know, she more than likely will become too weak to continue writing in the days ahead.

One day my story could end the way hers does. None of us expect to die so soon and when we least expect it... but as Christians, we know that only God knows the number of days He has planned for each of us to be on this earth. We have to trust that He will only call us home when He is ready for us. Cancer is a scary thing. Cancer is a very difficult thing. But I know that God is so much bigger and so much stronger than cancer could ever be and I am trusting in Him with everything I have inside of me. He is my hope and I know He is trustworthy and true.

Read Kara's blog

Read Kara's book, the Hardest Peace

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Finding God's purpose

Since I wrote in my blog last Monday, I've had a very difficult week. One of the reasons I decided to write only once a week was because I just couldn't muster up the energy to continue on a daily basis. You see, I've been struggling. Daily it seems I meet a new challenge. The physical challenges are easy to identify...one day it might be extreme fatigue, the next day it might be a lack of appetite, and then there's the rawness of my skin...so burned and so painful that I could barely stand to have anything touch me. And then, there's the emotional side...the side that's a little harder to understand and identify. I've cried a million tears...begged and pleaded with God. I've been depressed and lonely. I've felt totally abandoned...I've struggled in ways that no one but God has seen. I've felt ashamed and unlovely. But even in all of the struggling, I know God has never left my side. He's always been right with me.

Yesterday was a really hard day and after I explain why, you'll more than likely wonder how I could let the life of a complete stranger affect me so much. What you'll really wonder about is how I could connect on such a deep level with a complete stranger through Facebook, but that's one of the wonders of the internet. There's a "pink sisterhood" out there...all over the internet women in various stages of Breast Cancer connect...and the reason we connect so easily is because we can truly understand one another's struggle.

Not long after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was on the internet searching for any and all information I could find about Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I wanted to learn everything I could about the type of Cancer that I was dealing with at the time. As I was searching, I came across several Breast Cancer support groups on Facebook and decided to join them since I had no support other than close friends and family. I needed people to rally around me. I needed women who could relate to what I was experiencing. I needed their wisdom and expertise. At first, the support groups were great. I was able to find other women who shared my same diagnosis. I was able to ask questions and get answers from women who'd already had mastectomies, lymph node removal, chemotherapy and radiation. These "pink sisters" were more than happy to help. No question was too silly to ask and boy, did I have a lot of questions. As time went on, I found that more often than not, many of the women were very negative. They were dragging me down. So I left those groups. It was important for me to find women of strong Christian faith...women who had hope. I searched again and found another group on Facebook, "Christian Women Living with Breast Cancer," and I immediately joined it. What a difference I saw in the comments, encouragement, and attitude of these women. They were so kind and so loving. Finally, I felt at home with others like me.

A month ago, as I was reading a post by one of the women. She was asking for prayer for a friend. I was intrigued by the photo she had posted of a young mother struggling with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Triple Negative is a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer is hard to treat because it isn't fed by Estrogen, Progesterone, or Her-2 Neu (thus the name Triple Negative. Most Breast Cancers are fed by one or more of these three hormones and knowing which ones cause the Cancer to grow allows doctors to aggressively treat them with anti hormone therapies.)



The woman's name was Christina Newman. She was just 39 years old, a wife, and the mother to two young girls. She had been fighting for 4 years. She had invited the public into her life by hosting V-logs (video blogs) where she shared her daily life with her viewers. She had quite a following and I was one of those followers. She was open and honest and raw. She shared her good days and her bad days. She wanted others to know what Breast Cancer was like. She had been through all the treatments her medical team could give her but the Cancer had metastasized. Her liver was the size of a basketball and she was in extreme pain, but even though she was in horrendous pain, she always had a smile on her face. She had a positive attitude. I had the honor of corresponding with Christina several times over the past month. I was able to ask her questions and offer her my love and support. She was always gracious...always kind.

The last V-log Christina had posted was hard to watch. It was obvious from her facial expressions that she was in pain. She'd just had a last ditch chemo treatment in an attempt to shrink the massive tumor that was taking over her liver. Her skin was jaundiced and her eyes looked so weak, and yet she was able to smile. Her spirit was amazing. She was so brave.

On Friday of this past week, Christina was moved to Hospice. The doctors had done all they could do. Her family was preparing for the inevitable. Last night I saw another post...a photo of Christina holding her youngest child...18 month old Ava. It touched my heart. I could feel her pain.


Last night, Christina lost her battle with Cancer. She passed away peacefully surrounded by her loved ones at 1:40 p.m. Mountain time. One of her family members posted a picture of her peacefully resting. I'm not sure if it was just before or just after her death, but it hit me hard. Even at that point on her journey, a smile was on her face...she was filled with peace. I wondered if I would respond the same way.

I cried and cried. I cried for Christina. I cried for her family. I cried for me. The reality of Cancer was hard to accept. I didn't want to fight and fight and fight Cancer only to have it win someday. I just wanted to live. Christina fought valiantly and even still, Cancer won. As I thought about her family and the devastation they were going through, I cried even more. So many women...all races, all ages...why? Why can't we understand what causes Breast Cancer? Why can't we find a cure? There were so many questions and so few answers.

Recently I read a quote that said, "God never wastes our pain, only we do." What a thought provoking statement that was to me. For months now, I've wondered why God allowed me to have a close encounter with Breast Cancer. What was His plan, what was His purpose? I've always lived close to Him, always tried to do His will...what have I still not learned?

You've heard the saying before, "don't judge a book by its cover." From first glance, most people I meet think I'm the typical middle class American woman, wife and mother. They think I'm average. I've lived a hard life...a life that hasn't always been pretty. Sometimes, the ugliness came from choices others made for me and sometimes it came from choices I made myself, but still, the ugliness came. I've been hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've fought adversity most of my life and throughout every painful part of my life journey, God has been there. He's seen me at my best and He's seen me at my worst, but most of all, He's loved me in spite of my choices.

God gave me free will, just like He's given it to you. It has always been my choice to either choose His will or mine. I regret having to say that many times throughout my life, I chose my will over His and suffered the consequences. He gave me that right. He gave me the opportunities. Often I knew better but chose unwisely. When I realized I'd made a mistake, I immediately came back to God and asked for forgiveness. He was always so ready and willing to accept me back into His loving arms. He never said, "I told you so," instead He tenderly opened His arms of love and embraced me calling me His precious child. So why would my loving, caring, Heavenly Father allow His beloved daughter to experience the pain and agony of going through Breast Cancer? I've asked myself that for months, but today, I asked God and His Word gave me the answers. Listen to some of them:

"And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:17

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)

So what those verses tell me is that as a follower of Christ, I must share in His sufferings knowing that the suffering God has chosen specifically for me has a reason. The reason I must suffer is in knowing that through my suffering, God is going to teach me something. He is going to use it for my benefit and for His glory. When I understand that, I can rejoice because I know the suffering He has allowed into my life will teach me to persevere. It will teach me patience, it will give me hope, and it will yield fruit.

Now you might think that's an easy concept to grasp, and for some people it might be...but for me, it's been very difficult. I will be honest with you. I have struggled greatly over the past few months. I have wondered if I was going to be able to make it through this journey. I've had good days and really bad days. For some reason, it seems the bad days have outnumbered the good days but I've chosen to press on. Maybe I've been a little naive or maybe it's just been that old Pollyanna in me coming out...always looking for the bright side...whatever the case, I haven't given up. Sure, I've wanted to, especially when the pain was really bad, but I just couldn't. I knew that God was at work and who am I to challenge that? The only way I was going to get through these difficult days was to lean on my faith.

But how can I get to a point of rejoicing in my suffering? The only way I could do that is to really understand and know something deep in my soul! It never feels good to be in pain and no normal person would ever feel good about hurting but faith allows me to have a deeper understanding...a knowing that others don't share. What do I know? Paul says, "Knowing that suffering produces..." Suffering does something, accomplishes something. It is productive. It is of value. I know it works, and that is what makes me rejoice. Have you ever seen a woman in labor? Have you watched the expression on her face? The terrible, awful pain of childbirth is real! A woman in the throws of birth pangs is hurting but she suffers through it because she knows her efforts will be productive! She is going to receive a great reward...a beautiful newborn baby.

Suffering produces and Paul, in the book of Romans, tell me that suffering produces perseverance. In some versions the word may be patience. The Greek word literally means "to abide under, to stay under the pressure." Pressure is something I want to get out from under, but suffering teaches me to stay under, to stick in there and hang with it...stick-to-itiveness- hanging in there no matter what! It's not easy to do. Usually when trials come the first thing I want to do is run! I don't want to hang around and stick with it. But I know I must because God wants me to learn a valuable lesson. He wants me to learn that even when trials come, He will be there. He won't leave me alone. He wants me to learn about His character but He also wants me to learn about myself. God wants me to learn about His grace and His mercy, too. As I watch Him work things out in ways I never expected, I learn the next time a trial comes that I can trust Him. I won't be tempted to panic or bail out. I become steady. I can persevere. Suffering produces steadiness. If I didn't suffer, I would never have that quality.

Second, not only does suffering produce steadiness but character. The Greek word for character carries with it the idea of being put to the test and approved. It is the idea of being shown to be reliable. Steadiness produces reliability. I will finally learn that I am not going to be destroyed, that things will work out. People learn that they can count on me...that I have strength...that I am reliable. God will stamp my behind with His seal - "Tested and approved."

Third, I know that reliability produces something. Suffering produces steadiness, steadiness produces reliability, and reliability produces hope. Paul spoke of "rejoicing in hope," the hope of sharing the glory of God, a hope for the future beyond death. But here is hope that I will share the glory of God, which is God's character, right now. I have the hope that God is producing the image of Christ in me right now. That's a great thing! And this hope is a certainty, not just a possibility. I am being changed. I can see myself changing a little each day. I am becoming more like Jesus. I can see that I am more thoughtful, more compassionate, more loving. I am being mellowed. I am becoming like Christ -- stronger, wiser, purer, more patient. To my amazement, a certainty grows in my heart that God is doing His work just as he promised. He is transforming me into the image of His Son. He is using my Cancer to conform me into His image and He can use your trial or health issue to do the same for you.

The final point Paul makes is that hope does not disappoint. Hope makes me confident. Hope, or certainty, produces confidence and boldness. I lose my fear of ridicule and shame, and I can speak up and share out of the reality of my experience of what God has brought me through. In the flesh, at the point of pain and suffering, it's natural to feel that God does not love me. It is easy to feel rejected. It's easy to get used to thinking that love is something that blesses me and warms me and takes care of me. It is almost impossible for me to think that I am being loved when I am hurting. It is hard for me to believe that the one who is doing the hurting is doing it out of genuine love for me. But God's love for me is beyond my comprehension. In the flesh, I feel broken, worthless, and forgotten. But this is where I must remember the cross.

The cross is where Christ suffered and died for me. So when Paul tells me that I must share in Christ's sufferings, he wants me to consider what Jesus did for me...for Bonnie. When I look at the cross, I see how ungodly I really am. I am not like God and I surely don't act like God. I see that I am a sinner. I have been involved in things that are hurtful. I have destroyed myself and others. I find myself lawless and selfish at times, and I know it was my sin that nailed Jesus to that cross. It was not His own sin, because He was sinless.

If you clearly knew God's love when you became a Christian -- when you were enemies and helpless and powerless -- how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you now that you are His child? Even though you might be suffering, even though you don't feel loved right now, even though it seems as though God is against you, how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you?

Paul is arguing from the greater to the lesser. If God could love you when it was so evident to you that you didn't deserve it, how much more must you count upon His love now that you know that you are dear to Him and loved by Him?

God helped me understand that this suffering wasn't allowed to come into my life because God was angry with me; it came because of His deep love for me! It came from the heart of a Father who is putting me through some development that I desperately need to grow into the kind of a person I desperately want to be. And He loves me enough that He will not let me off the hook, but will take me through it. Therefore it is not his anger that I am experiencing, but His love.

That is what Hebrews 12 argues, isn't it? If we have been disciplined by the fathers of our flesh, and we know they love us, why can't we believe that God loves us when He puts us through times of testing and pressure and suffering. When you see that truth, then you can rejoice, because you know that suffering will produce the things that make you what you want to be. "No discipline for the present is pleasant. But afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it," (Hebrews 12:11).

God's purpose in allowing Breast Cancer into my life has been to bring me into the state of righteousness that He wants me to attain. He wants me to learn and understand perseverance, steadiness, stability, and hope. He wants to teach me to stand firm under trial knowing that He is working on me. Just like a potter shapes a lifeless lump of clay into a beautiful, useful vessel or a stone smith chips away at an ugly rock transforming it into a beautiful semiprecious gem, God has specific intentions toward me and toward you. He uses suffering to teach valuable life lessons. He longs for us to be transformed into Christlikeness and the only way we He can do that is to allow us to participate in the sufferings of His Son. This is why we can rejoice in suffering. This is why I can give thanks for my Breast Cancer even though it's been so difficult! Just knowing that God chose my trial makes me willing to persevere. He never said it would be easy and it definitely hasn't been...but in the long run, I know it will be worthwhile. So I won't waste a minute of my pain. I will ask God to help me embrace it and even welcome it for I know He's using it to refine me into the image of His Son.

Sweet Christina passed away with a smile on her face. I wonder if it was because she was finally free from pain or was it what she saw at the very moment her life slipped from this world into the next? Was she smiling because she beheld her Savior's face? I think that is more than likely the case because sweet Christina had hope. She had faith. She fought the battle that had been chosen for her and even though it seems the Cancer won, I think Christina is the winner because she is free. Her pain was not wasted. Her life touched the lives of so many others. I was honored to call her my "pink sister" and my friend. Even though we never met in person, she greatly impacted my life. Please continue to pray for Christina's family in the days ahead. It will be so hard for them to go on living without her, but God has a plan. He had a great purpose for her pain. Her struggle will not be wasted.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for the days when I am so weak...for the days I struggle...when I am so exhausted that I all I do is sit and cry. Forgive me when I look inward instead of upward. Forgive me when I feel sorry for myself and when I focus on how I'm feeling instead of what I know to be true. Father, please give me strength to persevere. Please provide a way out when I'm tempted to wallow in self pity. Please send words of encouragement to strengthen me through your Word. Please provide people along my path who will love me in spite of myself and who will be willing to walk this journey with me, helping to hold me up when I just can't do it any more. Father, I want to be strong but I am so weak...please help me in my weakness. I know in your Word you say that when I am weak, You are strong...be my strength, today and always. It is hard for me to thank you for pain, but I will because I know You have allowed it into my life. I thank you that even though I can't see what you are doing, I can trust you because you are trustworthy and true. You are my hiding place. You are my shield and my protector. Thank you that you have not left me to fight this battle alone. In the days ahead, Lord, please give me wisdom to look for your hand. Help me not focus on the pain. Help me not dwell on things I can't change. Please fill my heart with love, even for those who have hurt me deeply, for you call us to love even our enemies. Gracious Heavenly Father, I don't understand why you have chosen this path for me, but please help me be obedient to walk it faithfully with you and to learn the lessons you want me to learn. I know that nothing you do is in vain. Oh Lord, thank you for loving me...for dying for me...for saving me. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life, I am so humbly grateful. I love you, Lord...Amen.

PLEASE NOTE: I have removed some of the photos of Christina out of respect for her family and friends. I did keep one where she was so filled with joy because I wanted my readers to see what a beautiful woman she was. Cancer is a very personal and private matter but as survivors, we want our stories to count and I think Christina would have been pleased to know I shared a small portion of her story. She was a very valiant and brave warrior. I look forward to the day I can meet her in heaven.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf