Christmas was my favorite holiday hands down. I loved everything about it! I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, driving through the neighborhood to look at lights, singing carols, you name it, I loved it! As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the "Wanna Be Dentist" searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble, I could almost hear my mom’s voice saying, "Rudolph is on tonite!” I could just about hear my brother, sister and I respond with loud, childish voices in a resounding “Yeaaaaaahhh” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. As those memories came flooding back, my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall.
How could I be crying over an animated children's movie? I felt like an idiot! But suddenly I realized what the tears were really about. The emotions of remembering were too real...I felt sad about the loss of childhood innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying meant and before I understood the word "Cancer." I thought about how simple life was back then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was...the sights, the smells, the sounds...and yes, even Santa. I did believe in Santa!
I remembered drafting letter after letter to Santa as I revised it over and over again in hopes my list of wants could somehow fit into my parents' meager budget. When I finally got my letter perfected, I went and took it to my mother so she could deliver it to the jolly old man for me. Occasionally, when we could, we'd leave some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was hard to drag myself up the stairs and into bed on the night before Christmas. I can still hear the sounds of my Daddy working to put together our bikes or some other toy as he and my mom talked in hushed, frustrated whispers hoping we were already fast asleep.
The next morning, my siblings and I would hurry down the stairs to see the tree laden with presents. We'd empty out our stockings while we waited for our sleep deprived parents to dress and come into the living room. In the blink of an eye, I was there once again...
It's funny how something like a Christmas movie can spark so many memories...good, wholesome childhood memories when life was so much simpler. Today the holidays are harder. As an adult, there are so many things that seem to weigh us down...the loss of morality in our nation, the rampant crime and evil, the heavy things like homelessness and hunger...a world that revolves around the almighty dollar...all the things that a child never had to think about. I long for the innocence again. I remembered what that was like for just one tiny moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..
But then, I heard the song, "We're a couple of Misfits," and my heart skipped a beat! That's it! That's me! I'm a misfit! I certainly haven't felt like I've fit in lately. I still struggle. As I watched Rudolph and Herbie singing their song, I had to smile. I felt a little better! Taking a step back into my childhood had provided a little affirmation for me. Thanks, Rudolph, for reminding me that being different is okay. Christmas is just a little more than a week away and I'm starting to get a little giddy. I still love Christmas and can't wait for it to get here!
We're a couple of Misfits video
What I'm thinking:
This Christmas will be so very different from all the others. It will be a time of gratitude and thanksgiving. I wasn't sure I'd be here for this Christmas. In May, when I received my diagnosis, I thought I'd been given a death sentence. As each new day comes, I thank God for allowing me to open my eyes and get out of bed. I never realized how much I took things for granted before. Cancer is a great big wake up call and I never thought it would take something like that to make me "get it," but I'm glad I did.
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