Crying over Rudolph

The weeks before Christmas, during prime time, there are so many Christmas television shows on for children. Some of them are new productions and then there are the old classics like "A Charlie Brown Christmas," or "Frosty the Snowman," or one of my favorites, "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer." I don't have little ones in my home any longer so we rarely turn on these holiday cartoons, but the other nite I was channel surfing and stumbled upon the airing of the Rudolph. In just an instant, I was transported back to my childhood.

Christmas was my favorite holiday hands down. I loved everything about it! I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, driving through the neighborhood to look at lights, singing carols, you name it, I loved it! As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the "Wanna Be Dentist" searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble, I could almost hear my mom’s voice saying, "Rudolph is on tonite!” I could just about hear my brother, sister and I respond with loud, childish voices in a resounding “Yeaaaaaahhh” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. As those memories came flooding back, my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall.

How could I be crying over an animated children's movie? I felt like an idiot! But suddenly I realized what the tears were really about. The emotions of remembering were too real...I felt sad about the loss of childhood innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying meant and before I understood the word "Cancer." I thought about how simple life was back then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was...the sights, the smells, the sounds...and yes, even Santa. I did believe in Santa!

I remembered drafting letter after letter to Santa as I revised it over and over again in hopes my list of wants could somehow fit into my parents' meager budget. When I finally got my letter perfected, I went and took it to my mother so she could deliver it to the jolly old man for me. Occasionally, when we could, we'd leave some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was hard to drag myself up the stairs and into bed on the night before Christmas. I can still hear the sounds of my Daddy working to put together our bikes or some other toy as he and my mom talked in hushed, frustrated whispers hoping we were already fast asleep.

The next morning, my siblings and I would hurry down the stairs to see the tree laden with presents. We'd empty out our stockings while we waited for our sleep deprived parents to dress and come into the living room. In the blink of an eye, I was there once again...

It's funny how something like a Christmas movie can spark so many memories...good, wholesome childhood memories when life was so much simpler. Today the holidays are harder. As an adult, there are so many things that seem to weigh us down...the loss of morality in our nation, the rampant crime and evil, the heavy things like homelessness and hunger...a world that revolves around the almighty dollar...all the things that a child never had to think about. I long for the innocence again. I remembered what that was like for just one tiny moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..

But then, I heard the song, "We're a couple of Misfits," and my heart skipped a beat! That's it! That's me! I'm a misfit! I certainly haven't felt like I've fit in lately. I still struggle. As I watched Rudolph and Herbie singing their song, I had to smile. I felt a little better! Taking a step back into my childhood had provided a little affirmation for me. Thanks, Rudolph, for reminding me that being different is okay. Christmas is just a little more than a week away and I'm starting to get a little giddy. I still love Christmas and can't wait for it to get here! 

We're a couple of Misfits video

What I'm thinking:
This Christmas will be so very different from all the others. It will be a time of gratitude and thanksgiving. I wasn't sure I'd be here for this Christmas. In May, when I received my diagnosis, I thought I'd been given a death sentence. As each new day comes, I thank God for allowing me to open my eyes and get out of bed. I never realized how much I took things for granted before. Cancer is a great big wake up call and I never thought it would take something like that to make me "get it," but I'm glad I did.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Good Distractions

This weekend, my sweet daughter, Jamie, came to stay with us. It's always fun to have Jamie come and visit. Her youthful energy explodes as she enters the front door. Oh, how I've missed that! She doesn't get to come as often as she'd like since she lives a good distance away. I'm thankful she comes when she can and she always makes a point of only wanting to spend time with me while she's here. She doesn't come with a pre-planned agenda of going shopping or sightseeing or anything like that...she's just happy to be here spending special moments with her Mama. She doesn't know how much that means to me and yes, she's my baby.

Each of my four children are very different. My son, Dave, is the oldest. He's quiet most of the time but has a very funny sense of humor, the kind that sneaks up on you. He's like a still pond, where the waters run deep. He doesn't share his feelings often, but he is very pensive. He's an incredibly hard worker and has worked two jobs for years to provide for his family. He's a dedicated husband and a devoted father. I am so proud of him. My daughter, Erin, is the second born. She and I are so much alike in many ways. She's a wonderful wife and mother. She homeschools three little ones and will soon grace us with another grandchild. She is like a mountain stream, constant and flowing. She is full of wisdom and encouragement. Then there's Laura, my third child. She is strong, determined, and independent. She started life that way as a kicking and screaming newborn. She is a good wife and doting mother. She is my responsible one, the one who is always willing to be at the ready when needed. And last but not least, there's Jamie, my soon to be 27 year old baby. Jamie is soft hearted and kind. She is easily hurt. She has a heart of mercy and like me, is always pulling for the underdog. Each of my children have character traits that remind me so much of myself but each of them are so very different. They are all wonderful! They are such blessings and I am so proud of each of them.

When I look at my children, though they are 38, 32, 30, and almost 27, I still see them as they were when they were younger. Maybe all mothers do this, I don't know...but I long to hold onto those childhood years...the ones that pass by so quickly. Where did the days go? How did they slip away so fast? One moment they were running barefoot through the house giggling and laughing...the next they were grown with little ones of their own. Life moves too quickly and that's one reason, I treasure the special moments I get to spend alone with each of my children. I'm afraid that too soon, those moments will disappear forever.

Last night we celebrated Jamie's 27th birthday a few days early. We had a nice dinner followed by cake and ice cream. As I lit the candles on her cake and prepared to snap a photo as she blew them out, I was filled with emotion. Just a few months ago, I had wondered if I would be here for her birthday, for Thanksgiving, and for Christmas. Cancer does crazy things to your mind. Now, as I watched her pucker up to blow, I was so thankful. I was thankful that I had lived and thankful that I was able to celebrate another milestone in her life.

After we'd had our dessert, we decided to watch a movie together...sweet family time...just Phil, Jamie and I...a simple pleasure. Jamie chose the movie for us, a fairly new release, "The Fault in Our Stars." The movie was about teenagers going through various types of Cancer and how even in the midst of such pain and tragedy, they found love. The movie was thought provoking and a little difficult to watch, especially since I had just recently completed my radiation treatments for Breast Cancer.

One character in the movie, "Gus," was filled with such positivity and reminded me that no matter what my circumstances, I should always choose to be happy. As Gus and "Hazel Grace," the main character of the movie, intertwined their life stories, it was interesting to note that love indeed does conquer all. The story doesn't end the way you think it will and I won't give away the ending for those who haven't seen it yet, but it was a tear jerker. Jamie, Phil, and I were all sniffling by the time the movie ended. The movie made us realize that life is fleeting and we need to savor moments with those we love.

In the movie, there's one scene in particular where Gus, who has Osteosarcoma, puts an unlit cigarette to his lips. Hazel Grace, dying of lung cancer, looks at him in disgust and says, "how could you?" Gus smiles and says, “It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing.” What a profound statement. It really made me think. Since my diagnosis of Breast Cancer, I had given it power. I had given it power to steal joy in my life. I had given it power to invoke fear in my life. Now it was time to take that power back. God reminded me that only He is the one who decides when my life is over. Only He knows the number of my days. So, instead of wondering and fearing that I will miss special moments with my children or grandchildren...instead of fearing that I won't be around for the holidays, I am going to just choose life. I am going to live as long as God will allow me to live and when it's time for me to go, I'll be ready.

Thank you, God, for my beautiful, wonderful children...for blessing me beyond measure...for keeping them safe and growing them up into marvelous, healthy, happy adults. Thank you for reminding me that I had given away power that wasn't mine to give...that I had allowed fear to overwhelm me at times but just like Gus in the movie, it was just a metaphor and now that killing thing, the Cancer, had been removed from my life by surgery and zapped by radiation. It was also going to be doused with anti hormone drugs that would render it powerless to multiply and grow inside me. It can only have the power to kill if God allows it to have that power, and I am trusting Him for complete healing.

There will be days when the fear tries to rear its ugly head and when it does, I'm going to remember the quote from the movie..."It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing.” Fear only has power when we give in to it, so it's my job to fight the urge to give in.

Jamie left this morning. She had a Sunday School class to teach. The topic of her lesson was on love and how Christ commands us to love even our enemies. I'm so proud of her. She's my baby and even when she turns 27 on Wednesday, I'll still see her as my little girl. Love makes life so precious!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8