Note to self, always wear waterproof mascara!

Here I go again. It's been another very emotional day for me. More and more frequently I find myself crying over things that touch my heart...for those I love so deeply, friends and family...for those who die at the hands of the merciless...for the homeless...for those who need but have not... for those fighting their own battles with cancer. There seems to be so much pain in the world today and yet, even amid the pain, there are those who love through their tears.

I never used to be so weepy, although I've always been very tenderhearted. When I was a child, I cried with my closest friends over banged up knees or other childhood disappointments. I always wanted to rescue the lone, lost scraggly little dogs wandering along the highway's edge and often I did. My heart overflowed with compassion and mercy for others. Sometimes I thought it was a huge burden to be so filled with love for others but now I realize it is a wonderful gift, although it can be very painful at times.

In previous posts, I've written about an internet friend and fellow breast cancer patient, Kara Tippetts. I've followed her story for months and months now. Each morning, I check in to her blog site for updates. For the past few weeks, she's been in hospice care and her condition continues to decline. I know it won't be long before we're saying goodbye to Kara. I've cried countless tears for Kara but the tears aren't full of sadness...there is joy there also because I know that Kara, when she leaves this earth, will be finally home. The reality of her situation has been too real to me. Our cancer stories are so similar. As she comes closer and closer to the end of her life story, I can't help but wonder what my story will be...

I knew it. I should have put on waterproof mascara today, but it's so hard to remove that sometimes I opt for the regular kind of mascara. On days when I'm in a particularly emotional mood, I can end up looking like a raccoon from crying so much. Black watery trails of mascara stream down my face as I weep and pray. God knows my heart is so full that it can't help but overflow. Albert Smith once said that "tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it" and that statement is so very true. Tears help provide an emotional release for deep seated concerns. It's been scientifically proven that shedding tears is actually good for us. It helps to lower our manganese levels and allows a type of cleansing to take place.

So why have I been so filled with emotion today? My heart goes out to Kara's family as they begin to grasp the fact that she won't be with them much longer. I can't help but put myself in her place as she watches daily as her life begins to slip away. How do you learn to let go of your grasp on everything you know and have found comfortable in this life? How do you edge slowly toward the great chasm between Heaven and Earth ready to slip your hand into His? How do you say goodbye to the ones you love so dearly...and how do you do it with grace? Kara is teaching us.

Daily as I read Kara's story, I learn more about how to die with dignity. She is suffering and in great pain but she finds ways to minister to others through it. She hasn't turned inward focusing only on herself and her needs; she's unselfishly sharing her heart and her faith in the midst of her greatest struggle.

My tears today have been complex. Who can truly understand why God allows the righteous to suffer? And yet, as followers of Christ, we have to accept the fact that often He does choose to use suffering as a teaching tool. I've cried for myself many times over the last year as I processed my breast cancer diagnosis. I've also cried at my lack of trust for sometimes I wondered about God's reason for my journey. I've cried at my lack of understanding and I've cried over the countless number of women who either currently have or will have breast cancer. I've cried for my daughters and my granddaughters begging God to have mercy on them and keep them safe from a future filled with cancer. The tears have flowed freely and abundantly.

But today, on Kara's blog, I read of her youth pastor's visit. He is taking her through a Bible study on Psalm 119. Today's verses touched me... "I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight." Psalm 119:76,77. Those verses...oh those verses! Read them over again and again. Allow the truth of them to sink down deep into your heart. This is what stands out to me -
The Lord, the righteous ruler of Heaven and Earth, is faithful and even in His faithfulness, He allows suffering. But in the midst of my suffering, His steadfast, neverending, never changing love will be my comfort and His mercy will cover me. No matter what happens, I will live and live for Him only delighting in the laws He has set forth.

Pain and suffering are temporary but can have eternal reward. If the example of the way I've lived my life can touch someone and inspire them to seek after the Lord, then all of my suffering and pain will have been worthwhile.My only hope is that like Kara, I will have lived my life well. I will have shown others what faith in God really means in the midst of my everyday, mundane living.

Some days I cry a lot and other days I don't cry at all. Some days I cry for myself and other days...I can't contain the tears for others. Either way, I know that God understands my tears and he holds them precious in His sight. Even Jesus wept when He was overcome with grief, so I know He knows exactly how I feel on the days when I just can't seem to stop crying.

Crying over Rudolph

The weeks before Christmas, during prime time, there are so many Christmas television shows on for children. Some of them are new productions and then there are the old classics like "A Charlie Brown Christmas," or "Frosty the Snowman," or one of my favorites, "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer." I don't have little ones in my home any longer so we rarely turn on these holiday cartoons, but the other nite I was channel surfing and stumbled upon the airing of the Rudolph. In just an instant, I was transported back to my childhood.

Christmas was my favorite holiday hands down. I loved everything about it! I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, driving through the neighborhood to look at lights, singing carols, you name it, I loved it! As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the "Wanna Be Dentist" searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble, I could almost hear my mom’s voice saying, "Rudolph is on tonite!” I could just about hear my brother, sister and I respond with loud, childish voices in a resounding “Yeaaaaaahhh” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. As those memories came flooding back, my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall.

How could I be crying over an animated children's movie? I felt like an idiot! But suddenly I realized what the tears were really about. The emotions of remembering were too real...I felt sad about the loss of childhood innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying meant and before I understood the word "Cancer." I thought about how simple life was back then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was...the sights, the smells, the sounds...and yes, even Santa. I did believe in Santa!

I remembered drafting letter after letter to Santa as I revised it over and over again in hopes my list of wants could somehow fit into my parents' meager budget. When I finally got my letter perfected, I went and took it to my mother so she could deliver it to the jolly old man for me. Occasionally, when we could, we'd leave some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was hard to drag myself up the stairs and into bed on the night before Christmas. I can still hear the sounds of my Daddy working to put together our bikes or some other toy as he and my mom talked in hushed, frustrated whispers hoping we were already fast asleep.

The next morning, my siblings and I would hurry down the stairs to see the tree laden with presents. We'd empty out our stockings while we waited for our sleep deprived parents to dress and come into the living room. In the blink of an eye, I was there once again...

It's funny how something like a Christmas movie can spark so many memories...good, wholesome childhood memories when life was so much simpler. Today the holidays are harder. As an adult, there are so many things that seem to weigh us down...the loss of morality in our nation, the rampant crime and evil, the heavy things like homelessness and hunger...a world that revolves around the almighty dollar...all the things that a child never had to think about. I long for the innocence again. I remembered what that was like for just one tiny moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..

But then, I heard the song, "We're a couple of Misfits," and my heart skipped a beat! That's it! That's me! I'm a misfit! I certainly haven't felt like I've fit in lately. I still struggle. As I watched Rudolph and Herbie singing their song, I had to smile. I felt a little better! Taking a step back into my childhood had provided a little affirmation for me. Thanks, Rudolph, for reminding me that being different is okay. Christmas is just a little more than a week away and I'm starting to get a little giddy. I still love Christmas and can't wait for it to get here! 

We're a couple of Misfits video

What I'm thinking:
This Christmas will be so very different from all the others. It will be a time of gratitude and thanksgiving. I wasn't sure I'd be here for this Christmas. In May, when I received my diagnosis, I thought I'd been given a death sentence. As each new day comes, I thank God for allowing me to open my eyes and get out of bed. I never realized how much I took things for granted before. Cancer is a great big wake up call and I never thought it would take something like that to make me "get it," but I'm glad I did.

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