Discovering me

Spending time in solitude provides precious time in which to think. For days and days I've been pondering the many things I've experienced in my life and how they've made me into the person I am today. I've been through an awful lot. As I think back over my past, I find comfort. My life has been filled with both good and bad. Some of the things I chose and some of them were chosen for me, but in each instance, I've grown and changed. I've finally begun to discover who I really am. It's taken 57 years for me to get a glimpse of myself and begin to understand who I really am, but I am thankful. Some people spend their entire lives trying to figure out who they are and never quite make it. After experiencing many life lessons, I have realized I am resilient and brave but only through the power of Christ.

There's a wonderful quote that A.A. Milne used in his classic book, "Winnie the Pooh," that I love. Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh are sitting on a branch in the evening when Christopher Robin begins to talk to Pooh and he tells him, "always remember, you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, & smarter than you think." I love that quote. Christopher Robin and Pooh are dear friends and have always been there for each other. A. A. Milne captured the essence of growing up in his book, "Winnie the Pooh," with such sweetness and such truth. That little quotation has helped me get through this year of cancer. I've had to constantly remind myself that I was braver than I believed, that I was stronger than I seemed and that I was smarter than I thought. Sometimes I did a pretty good job of convincing myself and other times, not so much. My family and friends have been wonderful supporters and they've picked up the slack when I had a hard time believing in myself. When my belief in what I could do wasn't strong enough, they cheered me on with their encouragement and helped me through some very difficult times. But there's another quotation that has meant even more to me than A. A. Milne's quotation. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 (The New International Version of the Holy Bible). For most of my life, this verse has been my rock. No matter how challenging a situation, no matter how difficult it was, I knew I would be able to not only get through it, but rise above it with Christ's strength.

Bravery was never a quality I felt I possessed. To be ready to face danger or pain without reservation, that is what it means to be brave. I've always thought myself to be quite fearful and even though I had faith in God, sometimes, I failed to trust Him completely. Every year God gives me a word to focus on and this year, the word has been TRUST. I've always struggled in this area of my life, whether with people, relationships, or with God. I never had a brave trust in Him. I'm sure He knew my limitations of trust were partly based on my constant need to control things in my life. But as I learned to release my grip on control, He began to show me I could trust Him completely in ALL things. I didn't have to be afraid any longer. 

It's hard for me to admit that I had a problem trusting, but I did. Let me give you a silly example of my inability to trust. My husband and I travel to Texas every other year to visit one of my daughters. We usually take turns driving because it's such a long trip. When I drive, he'll fall asleep at some point. He will rest so well that he begins to snore loudly. But when he's driving, I never can fall asleep, even though I'm exhausted and want to close my eyes so very much. I just can't do it! I've always been afraid that if I wasn't helping him watch the road, we might have an accident or he might not see the turn off he needed to make, so I stayed awake. I never realized until a few years ago that even my need to stay awake was a control issue. God had to teach me that lesson. 

When you have cancer or any other major illness in your life, there's little you can control. I've had to learn to release control of any and everything in my life to my loving, Heavenly Father. Although, I know Him well and know His character through constant study and reading of His Word, it wasn't easy. He had to pry my fingers off of my own life and teach me that I was never really in control anyway, even though I thought I was! 

Not only was I fearful of giving my complete trust, I also worried a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. For some reason, I thought that my worrying would make things better. One day, God taught me a valuable lesson about worrying. It was almost as if I could hear His voice speaking to my heart as I was in the midst of worrying about an issue with one of my children. What I heard Him speak to me was this, "Bonnie, don't you trust me? I am trustworthy. When you worry, you are telling me that you don't believe I can take care of the things that concern you. This breaks my heart. I do not want you to bear the burden of worry. It is not yours to bear, but Mine. You will never experience complete freedom until you learn to let go and trust me completely." That did it. I never knew that God never intended for me to carry the burden of worry so I let it go. Worrying never changed the outcome of anything anyway, so why waste that energy doing it? 

Cancer has taught me to trust God completely. It has taught me that I am braver than I thought especially when I had no option other than to be brave. I've found that I have more courage than I ever dreamed I possessed and I am proud of that. Cancer has shown me that I am tenacious and resilient. It's helped me discover many things about myself that I never realized were true. Most of all, it's helped me realize that I really can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Without His strength, I would be a shattered and broken woman without hope. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to cling to especially when life gives me an unexpected challenge. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"Many people wrongly exclude fear from the definition of courage, believing that courage is the absence of fear. Every time such people feel afraid, they assume that they aren't courageous. The reality, though, is that courage is fearful. When we are acting courageously, we are, most typically, very afraid. But we don't allow the fear we're carrying to stop us. Instead, we press on. This is the signature feature of courage: to carry on despite being fearful. Fear, thus, is an essential element in the definition of courage. You can't be courageous unless you are afraid." ~Bill Treasurer

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong in the broken places." Ernest Hemingway
 

You're braver than you think video clip

Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.   - See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.ksVzeH6w.dpuf

Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.   - See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.ksVzeH6w.dpuf