Discovering me

Spending time in solitude provides precious time in which to think. For days and days I've been pondering the many things I've experienced in my life and how they've made me into the person I am today. I've been through an awful lot. As I think back over my past, I find comfort. My life has been filled with both good and bad. Some of the things I chose and some of them were chosen for me, but in each instance, I've grown and changed. I've finally begun to discover who I really am. It's taken 57 years for me to get a glimpse of myself and begin to understand who I really am, but I am thankful. Some people spend their entire lives trying to figure out who they are and never quite make it. After experiencing many life lessons, I have realized I am resilient and brave but only through the power of Christ.

There's a wonderful quote that A.A. Milne used in his classic book, "Winnie the Pooh," that I love. Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh are sitting on a branch in the evening when Christopher Robin begins to talk to Pooh and he tells him, "always remember, you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, & smarter than you think." I love that quote. Christopher Robin and Pooh are dear friends and have always been there for each other. A. A. Milne captured the essence of growing up in his book, "Winnie the Pooh," with such sweetness and such truth. That little quotation has helped me get through this year of cancer. I've had to constantly remind myself that I was braver than I believed, that I was stronger than I seemed and that I was smarter than I thought. Sometimes I did a pretty good job of convincing myself and other times, not so much. My family and friends have been wonderful supporters and they've picked up the slack when I had a hard time believing in myself. When my belief in what I could do wasn't strong enough, they cheered me on with their encouragement and helped me through some very difficult times. But there's another quotation that has meant even more to me than A. A. Milne's quotation. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 (The New International Version of the Holy Bible). For most of my life, this verse has been my rock. No matter how challenging a situation, no matter how difficult it was, I knew I would be able to not only get through it, but rise above it with Christ's strength.

Bravery was never a quality I felt I possessed. To be ready to face danger or pain without reservation, that is what it means to be brave. I've always thought myself to be quite fearful and even though I had faith in God, sometimes, I failed to trust Him completely. Every year God gives me a word to focus on and this year, the word has been TRUST. I've always struggled in this area of my life, whether with people, relationships, or with God. I never had a brave trust in Him. I'm sure He knew my limitations of trust were partly based on my constant need to control things in my life. But as I learned to release my grip on control, He began to show me I could trust Him completely in ALL things. I didn't have to be afraid any longer. 

It's hard for me to admit that I had a problem trusting, but I did. Let me give you a silly example of my inability to trust. My husband and I travel to Texas every other year to visit one of my daughters. We usually take turns driving because it's such a long trip. When I drive, he'll fall asleep at some point. He will rest so well that he begins to snore loudly. But when he's driving, I never can fall asleep, even though I'm exhausted and want to close my eyes so very much. I just can't do it! I've always been afraid that if I wasn't helping him watch the road, we might have an accident or he might not see the turn off he needed to make, so I stayed awake. I never realized until a few years ago that even my need to stay awake was a control issue. God had to teach me that lesson. 

When you have cancer or any other major illness in your life, there's little you can control. I've had to learn to release control of any and everything in my life to my loving, Heavenly Father. Although, I know Him well and know His character through constant study and reading of His Word, it wasn't easy. He had to pry my fingers off of my own life and teach me that I was never really in control anyway, even though I thought I was! 

Not only was I fearful of giving my complete trust, I also worried a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. For some reason, I thought that my worrying would make things better. One day, God taught me a valuable lesson about worrying. It was almost as if I could hear His voice speaking to my heart as I was in the midst of worrying about an issue with one of my children. What I heard Him speak to me was this, "Bonnie, don't you trust me? I am trustworthy. When you worry, you are telling me that you don't believe I can take care of the things that concern you. This breaks my heart. I do not want you to bear the burden of worry. It is not yours to bear, but Mine. You will never experience complete freedom until you learn to let go and trust me completely." That did it. I never knew that God never intended for me to carry the burden of worry so I let it go. Worrying never changed the outcome of anything anyway, so why waste that energy doing it? 

Cancer has taught me to trust God completely. It has taught me that I am braver than I thought especially when I had no option other than to be brave. I've found that I have more courage than I ever dreamed I possessed and I am proud of that. Cancer has shown me that I am tenacious and resilient. It's helped me discover many things about myself that I never realized were true. Most of all, it's helped me realize that I really can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Without His strength, I would be a shattered and broken woman without hope. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to cling to especially when life gives me an unexpected challenge. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"Many people wrongly exclude fear from the definition of courage, believing that courage is the absence of fear. Every time such people feel afraid, they assume that they aren't courageous. The reality, though, is that courage is fearful. When we are acting courageously, we are, most typically, very afraid. But we don't allow the fear we're carrying to stop us. Instead, we press on. This is the signature feature of courage: to carry on despite being fearful. Fear, thus, is an essential element in the definition of courage. You can't be courageous unless you are afraid." ~Bill Treasurer

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong in the broken places." Ernest Hemingway
 

You're braver than you think video clip

Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.   - See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.ksVzeH6w.dpuf

Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.   - See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.ksVzeH6w.dpuf

Be brave and courageous

Paul Cezanne's Three Pears

Be brave and courageous...those were the words I heard echoing in my mind this morning as I was waking. Today was the day they offered art therapy at the cancer wellness center. I pushed the thought into the back of my mind and went about my morning. 

I grabbed a protein shake for breakfast and went into my office to read a few emails. As I sat at my computer, I kept feeling like I was supposed to go to art therapy today...TODAY. I had wanted to go for some time but had never had enough courage to drive into town and participate in a class with complete strangers. I didn't think I was ready...not yet...but I kept hearing, "be strong and courageous." The words seemed to keep time with the rhythm of my heart, getting stronger and faster minute by minute. "Okay! I get it," I said out loud as I walked into my bedroom and threw off my robe.

It took several minutes to wiggle into my compression sleeves but after I got them up and into place, I quickly dressed. I didn't know if the ladies in the group would dress casually or semi-casually, so I opted for a pair of black pants, a black tank, and a black button down shirt. I slipped into my shoes and went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. Skillfully I applied a light coat of foundation, a dusting of powder, some blush, a little eye makeup, and my lipstick. I stepped back and looked at myself. I didn't look artistic at all. Oh bother! Why am I even getting ready to go? I could just stay home and work around the house...then I heard those words again, "be strong and courageous."

I gathered my purse, keys, and phone and headed out the door. It was 9:30 a.m. I opened the garage door and slid into my car. As I cranked it up, I turned on the radio. A pastor was talking about courage...coincidental? I think not. Driving out of my driveway, I wondered what on earth I was doing. Mindlessly, I drove to the hospital, parked my car, and got out. All of a sudden I was overcome with panic. "Be strong and courageous," an almost audible voice whispered in my mind.

The up button on the elevator lit up a brilliant blue. As the doors slid open, two smiling women glanced my way. I returned the smile and stepped onto the elevator, as I reached inside the door to press number 3. The elevator was empty by the time I arrived at the third floor. I stepped off gingerly and took a deep breath. As I turned to go down the long hallway to the wellness center, I could feel my heart beating inside my chest...LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB..............
BE...STRONG...AND...COURAGEOUS...

The door to the wellness center was heavier than I thought. As I struggled against its weight, I finally managed to open it, inside were two women. The older of the two women looked at me. I told her my name and said I was there for the art therapy class. She explained that the class normally started at 10:00 a.m. but today, it wouldn't start until 10:30 a.m. I drew in a breath and told her I'd left my phone in my car and that I was going to go down and get it. Quickly, I left the room and hurried down the hallway back to the elevator.

When I reached my car, I wanted to just get in and leave but that would be the coward's way out...I had to do this. I'd been couped up in my house since surgery. It was time to do something! It was time to make some new friends! "Be strong and courageous...."

When I got back up to the wellness center, several other women had arrived. The art teacher introduced me to them and had us all sit down. "Today, we're going to learn about Paul Cezanne, the famous French artist." I looked around the room and saw women of various ages intently watching the PowerPoint presentation. I was the only one without both breasts.

After the presentation was over, the art therapist handed us each a sheet of watercolor paper. She pointed to the picture of Cezanne's "Three Pears" on the computer screen and said, "this is what we're going to paint today." The picture looked very simple...three pears lying on a dish in very muted shades of pale green. The women in the class exclaimed how easy it looked but the art therapist begged to differ.

Bonnie Annis' Three Pears

Each student sat with art supplies in front of her. I was thankful to be in the center of the room where I could see the instructor easily. I watched as she explained the techniques warning us to let the paint flow in the direction it wanted to go...to "just let the paint do it's thing." Since I'd never painted with watercolors before, I wanted to make sure I listened well to the instructor. I had been interested in learning watercolor painting but had never had the chance. Wasn't that just like God...to give me one of my heart's desires for being obedient to His command to be brave and courageous? I smiled to myself and wondered if He was smiling too.

We worked for about an hour and a half on our paintings. The instructor said we'd done well. She asked us to put away our supplies and join her for an impromptu luncheon. She'd baked several quiches and some french bread. She'd brought some brie and crackers along with various types of olives. To complete the meal, she'd included a lovely bottle of Pinot Grigio and some French chocolates.

Sitting around the tables, we enjoyed our meal and some small talk. I was able to visit with several of the women and learn a little about each of them. As I stood to say my goodbyes, one of the women asked if I would be coming back next week...she said there was a writing class immediately after the art therapy session and she hoped I'd come.

Most people don't know that I am very shy. I have always tried to hide it. It was hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and go to the cancer wellness center today but I'm thankful I did. It felt good to be able to meet some new people. It felt good to be around women who understood what it felt like to have breast cancer. It felt good to be able to talk freely about surgeries, treatments, and medications but also just to know it was a safe place to open up about my feelings.

I'm thankful I listened to those words, "be strong and courageous," this morning as I got up out of bed. I do believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to step out in faith. Even though the art therapy class didn't require anything other than my willingness to go and participate, I know God had my best interests at heart. He knew I really wanted to go but was afraid of going. He knew I wanted to make new friends and He knew I would enjoy it once I got there an learned to open up a little. He knew it was where I needed to be. I am so glad He cares about me enough to speak to my heart. How often do we let fear rule our lives? If I hadn't been willing to be obedient, I would never have received the blessing God had in store for me today...I would have missed it.

There's a quotation I read once that says, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." ~ Jim Morrison. Satan uses fear to hold us captive but in the Bible, it says, "for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. Why was I so afraid of going today? I think it was just a fear of the unknown and feeling insecure. Satan tried to keep me from going because he knew God wanted me to learn courage. Is there something you fear? Is there something God's been prompting you do to? Have you heard those little whisperings to be brave and courageous? It's okay to feel unsure of yourself in new situations or circumstances but don't let fear hold you captive. God wants us to live and walk in freedom.

One last quote I want to share with you. It's from the book, Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne and in the story, Winnie the Pooh, the wonderful, loveable, teddy bear is talking with his best friend, Piglet, a cute little pink pig...this is what he says - “... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I hope you'll hold onto that thought. I know I sure will!


©bonnie annis all rights reserved