Sick and tired

Here I go again, complaining. I'm sorry. If you want to stop reading now, I completely understand. I don't mean to complain, really I don't, but I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The other day, I caught my husband's upper respiratory infection. He didn't mean to give it to me but he did. I was already feeling pretty crappy thanks to the general malaise after radiation therapy and surgery. Now, I have to deal with these extra germs on top of that.

My energy level is kaput! I could barely drag myself out of bed today. I don't ever stay in bed past 7 a.m. but this morning, I stayed in bed til 9 a.m.! That's very unusual for me but I was just so stinkin' tired.

I feel like all of my get up and go, got up and went. Have you ever been anemic? If so, you know what I'm talking about here. It takes every bit of effort I can give to just walk across the floor, but I make myself do it.

It isn't something I want to consider, but I keep hearing a nagging little voice in the back of my head saying, "what if it isn't just the upper respiratory infection that's bogging you down? What if the cancer has come back?!" I don't want to listen to that little voice. I don't want to even think about it but I have been having more and more aches and pains lately.

My upper spine, in between my neck and the middle of my shoulder blades, hurts all the time. A deep hurting, down in my bones....and that worries me. My left shin bone aches incessantly, again, deep down in the bone. I try not to dwell on the pain, but it is pretty annoying. At night, it gets even worse. I guess that's because I'm lying still and nothing is distracting me from feeling the pain.

Dr. "F" always asks me when I go for my checkups if I'm having any weird headaches, stomach pains or bone/joint pain and to date, I haven't had anything to report. I know he asks these questions to determine if there has been a recurrence. On this next visit, however, I'm going to have to tell him about my spine and shin. I wonder if he's going to finally order a PET scan for me. I haven't had one yet and most of my friends who've also been diagnosed with cancer have already had several of them. I don't want to borrow trouble, as my grandmother used to say, but I'm really tired of hurting. I'm really tired of being sick...and I'm really tired of feeling tired. I just want my energy back again.

My hiking boots are lying on the floor of my closet. They've been there for some time now. I don't want to retire them, but I wish I had the energy to just put them on and do some hiking. Usually, at this time of year, I'd be out in the woods on a trail somewhere. My mind says, yes...let's do it, but my body says, no, we can't.

So I guess I'll sit inside and read a book. Someone told me recently to listen to my body because it was telling me I needed to rest. I'm not used to resting. I'm used to being busy and going and doing...
When will this season of my life be over? I'm frustrated.

God, I don't know why I've been chosen to suffer these physical ailments, but I know you have a purpose for them in my life. I don't like them. I don't want them. Could you please take them away or at least spread the suffering around a little? I know my ailments pale in comparison to so many others but I can only complain about what I'm going through because these are the things that affect me personally right now. You say in your Word that we are to cast all of our burdens upon You, so that's what I'm doing right now. I'm taking these aches and pains and casting them onto your sturdy shoulders, and I'm trusting You to do with them what you will. Forgive me for having a pity party. Forgive me for complaining. Forgive me for focusing on myself today instead of keeping my eyes fixed on You. Forgive me for falling short. Forgive me for listening to the lies of the enemy whisper in my ear, "your cancer has returned." I know You are the only one who controls when or IF the cancer ever comes back in my body, and I'm choosing to trust you that it will NEVER come back again. But even if it does, I know you will give me the strength to face that day and You will provide everything I need to get through it. Thank you, Father, for reminding me that when I am weak, you are strong. I'm glad you're so very strong, because today, I feel so very weak. Thank you for loving me anyway, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

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