Why am I still so tired?

Early morning energy

I let my book slip gently from my hands to the floor. It was 10:30 p.m. and I was exhausted. As I lay in the bed, my mind wandered back over the days events. It hadn't been an ordinarily busy day and yet, I had been tired most of the day. Oh yes, I had made myself walk 2 miles at the park and I had kept a smile on my face the entire time I was doing it, but it was hard. I just don't understand why I'm still so tired. It's been 10 months since my surgery and 6 months since I completed radiation treatments. Shouldn't I have regained all of my energy by now?

Throughout the day, my children and my husband remind me to take time to rest. They tell me that even when I'm supposedly resting, I'm usually doing something else and I need to just stop and slow down. They know me well. I can't just sit and watch a movie on television. If I'm sitting there, I'm usually writing letters or crocheting or doing something else too. I've always felt the need to make the most of my time. "Remember, Bonnie, idle hands are the Devil's workshop." (I can almost hear my grandmother sharing this old idiom with me as I type this.)

I'm not used to having to slow down but my body is telling me otherwise. I guess I need to realize that I'm the only one who's set the bar high. No one else is expecting me to "be" or "do" anything. Why is it so hard to just relax? I'm tired but don't take time to let my body "catch up." Who am I comparing myself to anyway? Why do I feel the need to constantly stay busy? Is it to keep my mind off of things, perhaps.

For the past few days I've been fighting an upper respiratory infection. I've noticed it has affected me more severely this time than times in the past when I was ill. Maybe my white blood cells are low. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so very tired. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor for a checkup and I'm sure he'll draw blood so we'll see.

I get so frustrated when I want to do things and can't do them. I guess I just need to learn to shift my focus from what I can't do to what I can do. I'm so thankful for the times of day when I have little spurts of energy. Those are the times I try to accomplish my biggest tasks. Friends wonder why I get up at 6:00 a.m. when I'm no longer working. I don't want to tell them it's because I know I only have a small window of time that I'll have energy to do what I need to do.

I'm still struggling with the swelling in my upper arms. I guess this is something I'm just stuck with from now on. Since having those lymph nodes removed, my lymphatic fluid just seems to collect around my armpit and upper arm area. It makes movement limited and I have to remember not to lift anything heavy.

Hopefully, my energy level will continue to improve. If it does, I'll be overjoyed but if not, I guess I'll have to learn how to do the best with what I've got. I need to remember my body is still in fighting mode.

It's amazing what a smile can hide! Even when I feel my lowest, I try to smile. I know it wouldn't do a bit of good to get down in the dumps and depressed. If I can just keep a positive outlook, I know things will be so much easier.

One day I'll be soaring again and be full of energy. I can't wait for that day to come!

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