As the end of the year approaches, I'm working hard to get all of those "last" appointments scheduled. Since we've already met our deductible, it only made sense to try and schedule as many -OLOGISTS as I could pack into the last weeks of December. In January, the deductible will start over and everything will be financially challenging. Today was radiation oncology day.
The office had moved and thankfully, when the receptionist called to remind me about my appointment yesterday, she also gave me the address for the new location. Instead of taking me fifteen minutes to get to the office, it was now going to take me an hour. I adjusted accordingly and left the house promptly at 8:00 a.m. Amid all the 9 to 5 workers, I eased into traffic and found my groove. It was a beautiful December morning and I was thankful to be alive.
On my way to the doctor's office, I received a phone call telling me the doc had been called into an emergency meeting. She wouldn't be able to keep my 9:00 a.m. appointment...would I be willing to see her at 9:30 a.m.? I'm flexible, so I agreed to move my appointment time but since I was already en route, I decided I'd just sit in the waiting room and read a while.
I found a parking spot directly across from the office door. It was a few minutes before 9:00 a.m. so I sat in my car and checked my text messages and Facebook wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something shiny. As I looked up, I saw a beautiful bald woman heading to her car. The sun was glinting off the top of her scalp and made her look even more beautiful. She was wearing her Christmas red...a lovely shirt with decorative trim. I tried not to stare but couldn't help it. I was still so very thankful I'd not lost my hair.
Entering the hospital doors, I scanned the hallways for the restroom. After finding it, I made a quick stop and continued on to the radiology oncology office. The receptionist greeted me and I asked how she liked the new office. She smiled and said, "it's great!" I picked out a corner chair and sat to read a magazine. Within a few minutes, I was being called back to get weighed.
You've lost a few pounds, the nurse exclaimed. I told her I hadn't been trying to but just hadn't had an appetite. She asked me how long that had been going on and I told her it had been several months now. She jotted notes on my folder and ushered me into the room.
The doctor came in shortly after I'd been seated and took a few minutes to make small talk. She was pleasant but we never really hit it off like I had with my regular oncologist. Something about her just didn't sit well with me. Maybe she reminded me too much of a relative...
Dr. S. had me remove my shirt and she began examining me. As she allowed her fingers to travel over my skin, she was palpating for any new or different variations in my skin and tissue. She exclaimed that my right chest cavity felt "hard as a rock," and I agreed. She said it was from the changes due to radiation.
She continued on with my exam and medical history making notes all along the way. She was attentive and thorough. When she was done, she asked about pain I might be having and I shared with her about the spinal pain, the insomnia, and the hip joint pain. She seemed genuinely concerned about all of these and told me it was important to get enough sleep so my body could regenerate cells. She prescribed some Ambien to try and get me over the "hump" of not sleeping and also wanted me to go see a pain management specialist. I left her office with all the instructions and she said she'd see me in 6 months. I was so glad...6 months instead of 3!
So now I'm waiting on the pain management clinic to call me to set up an appointment. Hopefully, I can get in before the end of the month. I'm nervous about going there. I don't want to get hooked on pain medication and I'm scared to death of having epidurals or other needle type injections in my spine.
I'm so tired of going to the doctor. It seems I have an appointment every other week. I keep wondering when or if the insurance company is going to say, "okay, we've paid enough out on you and we're going to cancel your coverage." I hope that never happens! I don't know how anyone with cancer could ever afford quality care without insurance. I'm so thankful we have good insurance and I'm even more thankful that my sweet husband is still able to work and provide for us.
Next week, I go see the regular oncologist. This will be a new doctor since my original oncologist moved his practice. I wish these doctors could just stay put! It's hard to find a doctor you feel comfortable with and then they up and move! It would be nice if everything could just stay the same but things are always changing. I guess that's just life...always moving, always changing.
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
A week in the life...
It's almost the end of January and it's been a little over six months since my surgery. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, and I even had to double check the calendar to confirm the reality of that fact. During the past six months, I've been through an awful lot and I continue to have daily trials. It may seem like all I do on this blog is complain, but believe me, that's not my intention. Cancer is tough and that's a huge understatement. Hopefully, you'll allow me to share my difficulties without being judgmental. My purpose in sharing is to give you, the reader, a very clear and realistic picture of what life as a victim of cancer is really like. If you weren't interested, you wouldn't be reading my blog, now would you? So let me tell you what the past few days have been like for me.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday:
These were pretty rough days all around. Tamoxifen has been totally messing with my mind, my body and my spirit. The side effects continue to be a challenge. My main problem is being unable to sleep. Sleeping pills, both prescribed and natural, work for an hour or two and then don't. I toss and turn all night long and have started sleeping in the guest room so I won't disturb my husband. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, I start sweating profusely...night sweats, another side effect of the medication. I change clothes several times a night because of them.
During the day, I have hot flashes. They sneak up on me when I least expect it. For example, Monday I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I was feeling perfectly fine one minute and the next, I felt like Mt. Vesuvius had erupted inside my body. I was so hot, I had to take off my shirt and start fanning myself. I am a cold natured person. I rarely ever get warm because I have no thyroid gland to regulate my body temperature like normal people do. Sure, I take synthetic thyroid replacement hormones, but even they don't keep my body temp at normal. My normal temp is 97.1 or lower while most normal people register a lovely 98.6. So when I get a hot flash, I mean it's HOT. The hot flashes come and go, thank goodness they don't stick around for more than about thirty minutes at a time.
I had several emotional meltdowns. Poor Phil! He tried so hard to comfort me and he is so sweet! He would look over at me and see the tears welling up in my eyes and immediately come over to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. The meltdowns start out small and then escalate. I don't have to be thinking about anything in particular and the tears just start flowing. I'm sure it's the medication because I'm normally a happy go lucky person. Feelings of hopelessness and despair overcome me and I feel like I'm losing it. I tell Phil I can't take it any more and that I'm going to stop taking the Tamoxifen. I don't like feeling out of control.
I also don't like the yeast infection that has suddenly appeared...another medication side effect. Tamoxifen messes with your body's Estrogen levels and that throws everything else out of whack. So I began drinking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar and got some over the counter meds from the drugstore that should help fix the problem.
Thursday:
I call my oncologist's office to tell them Tamoxifen is messing me up big time. While I'm talking to the nurse, I burst into tears. She consoles me and tells me it's going to be okay. She says she'll talk to the doctor and call me back. Later that afternoon, I get the callback. The nurse tells me that my doc wants me to stop taking Tamoxifen. I didn't dare tell her I already did! She says we'll discuss new medications at my appointment next week. I hang up the phone relieved that I now have official approval to stop Tamoxifen.
By Thursday evening, I'm starting to feel normal again...well, when I say normal, I mean pretty much my usual self B.C. (before cancer). I enjoy the evening without any meltdowns, hot flashes, or night sweats. The yeast infection is still here and is very bothersome (another side effect of the medication) but I can handle that.
Friday:
I'm feeling much better and wonder if it is possible to not take any more medication. I want to ask my oncologist if this is a possibility, but I know the answer before I even ask the question. He'll tell me that we want to be sure and keep the cancer from recurring and in order to do that, I need to take medication. It sucks! I don't want to have to take medication for the next 5 to 10 years but I have no choice.
Although I'm feeling better physically, I don't feel great. I still have to deal with the lymphedema and now the yeast infection. There's no way to describe the discomfort I feel other than to do a little rant here so be prepared... I'm so sick and tired of having fat arms! My arms are so swollen that I can't wear hardly anything in my closet. My arms swell up and get so tight it feels like my skin is going to burst wide open and there's not a thing I can do about it other than wear the compression sleeves. So now, I have fat, swollen, hurting arms and a crotch that feels like it's on fire. But I really do feel better. At least I'm not crying about it! At least the emotional meltdowns are over! Now I just want to hit something!!!
And to top it off, I feel forgotten. There I said it. I didn't want to have a pity party here but I'm having a tiny one anyway. When I first was diagnosed, people I hadn't seen or talked to in years called or sent cards to let me know they were so sorry to hear my news. I felt so loved and cared about. For the past few months, not a single card or call have come in. I still need encouragement, even if it has been 6 months since my surgery. I am still struggling and I guess I will be for some time. Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving, as one of my fellow survivors says. You can't just forget about it and move on. It's always with you and the thoughts of recurrence are always in the back of your mind. No matter how hard you try, it's always there reminding you of its presence.
So you see, it's still a daily challenge. Oh yes, I'm thankful that I'm alive and I'm thankful every morning I wake up and see another day. I am so very grateful that I'm still here...but cancer is not easy...definitely not easy. But I keep fighting, it's all I have left and I won't give up even if I feel like I have no fight left in me...
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday:
These were pretty rough days all around. Tamoxifen has been totally messing with my mind, my body and my spirit. The side effects continue to be a challenge. My main problem is being unable to sleep. Sleeping pills, both prescribed and natural, work for an hour or two and then don't. I toss and turn all night long and have started sleeping in the guest room so I won't disturb my husband. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, I start sweating profusely...night sweats, another side effect of the medication. I change clothes several times a night because of them.
During the day, I have hot flashes. They sneak up on me when I least expect it. For example, Monday I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I was feeling perfectly fine one minute and the next, I felt like Mt. Vesuvius had erupted inside my body. I was so hot, I had to take off my shirt and start fanning myself. I am a cold natured person. I rarely ever get warm because I have no thyroid gland to regulate my body temperature like normal people do. Sure, I take synthetic thyroid replacement hormones, but even they don't keep my body temp at normal. My normal temp is 97.1 or lower while most normal people register a lovely 98.6. So when I get a hot flash, I mean it's HOT. The hot flashes come and go, thank goodness they don't stick around for more than about thirty minutes at a time.
I had several emotional meltdowns. Poor Phil! He tried so hard to comfort me and he is so sweet! He would look over at me and see the tears welling up in my eyes and immediately come over to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. The meltdowns start out small and then escalate. I don't have to be thinking about anything in particular and the tears just start flowing. I'm sure it's the medication because I'm normally a happy go lucky person. Feelings of hopelessness and despair overcome me and I feel like I'm losing it. I tell Phil I can't take it any more and that I'm going to stop taking the Tamoxifen. I don't like feeling out of control.
I also don't like the yeast infection that has suddenly appeared...another medication side effect. Tamoxifen messes with your body's Estrogen levels and that throws everything else out of whack. So I began drinking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar and got some over the counter meds from the drugstore that should help fix the problem.
Thursday:
I call my oncologist's office to tell them Tamoxifen is messing me up big time. While I'm talking to the nurse, I burst into tears. She consoles me and tells me it's going to be okay. She says she'll talk to the doctor and call me back. Later that afternoon, I get the callback. The nurse tells me that my doc wants me to stop taking Tamoxifen. I didn't dare tell her I already did! She says we'll discuss new medications at my appointment next week. I hang up the phone relieved that I now have official approval to stop Tamoxifen.
By Thursday evening, I'm starting to feel normal again...well, when I say normal, I mean pretty much my usual self B.C. (before cancer). I enjoy the evening without any meltdowns, hot flashes, or night sweats. The yeast infection is still here and is very bothersome (another side effect of the medication) but I can handle that.
Friday:
I'm feeling much better and wonder if it is possible to not take any more medication. I want to ask my oncologist if this is a possibility, but I know the answer before I even ask the question. He'll tell me that we want to be sure and keep the cancer from recurring and in order to do that, I need to take medication. It sucks! I don't want to have to take medication for the next 5 to 10 years but I have no choice.
Although I'm feeling better physically, I don't feel great. I still have to deal with the lymphedema and now the yeast infection. There's no way to describe the discomfort I feel other than to do a little rant here so be prepared... I'm so sick and tired of having fat arms! My arms are so swollen that I can't wear hardly anything in my closet. My arms swell up and get so tight it feels like my skin is going to burst wide open and there's not a thing I can do about it other than wear the compression sleeves. So now, I have fat, swollen, hurting arms and a crotch that feels like it's on fire. But I really do feel better. At least I'm not crying about it! At least the emotional meltdowns are over! Now I just want to hit something!!!
And to top it off, I feel forgotten. There I said it. I didn't want to have a pity party here but I'm having a tiny one anyway. When I first was diagnosed, people I hadn't seen or talked to in years called or sent cards to let me know they were so sorry to hear my news. I felt so loved and cared about. For the past few months, not a single card or call have come in. I still need encouragement, even if it has been 6 months since my surgery. I am still struggling and I guess I will be for some time. Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving, as one of my fellow survivors says. You can't just forget about it and move on. It's always with you and the thoughts of recurrence are always in the back of your mind. No matter how hard you try, it's always there reminding you of its presence.
So you see, it's still a daily challenge. Oh yes, I'm thankful that I'm alive and I'm thankful every morning I wake up and see another day. I am so very grateful that I'm still here...but cancer is not easy...definitely not easy. But I keep fighting, it's all I have left and I won't give up even if I feel like I have no fight left in me...
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Time to call in reinforcements
I don't even know where to begin...it's been a really rough week...and I thought I was doing so well. I know I told you I wasn't going to post until Monday but I just had to post today...I promised you I would keep it "real."
Yesterday was probably the lowest day I've had since finding out I had Breast Cancer. I spent most of the day crying and feeling worthless. I was able to hide how I was feeling from my youngest daughter, Jamie, who calls me several times a day...but, when my oldest daughter, Erin, called...the dam broke. I don't really know what she said that triggered it and that doesn't really matter; all that matters is that I realized that I was in big trouble. I was depressed. I was exhausted from not sleeping. I was being bombarded by the enemy and it was time to call in reinforcements.
Erin talked to me for a long time. I don't think she realized, at first, how serious the problem really was, but as we talked...it became increasingly clear to her. She is wise beyond her years, my Erin. She listened and she let me cry it out. I felt so badly for dumping all of my emotion on her...she's only got a couple of weeks left before giving birth to our 8th grandchild...she didn't need this extra added stress...but she let me spill over onto her broad shoulders. The more we talked, the more I saw it. I was sinking into the deep, dark quagmire of depression. This wasn't like me. I'm always so bright and cheerful...so filled with joy. What was going on? What was happening to me?
For months and months I haven't slept. I can't even tell you when the last time I had a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would have been. Every single night I've had to rely on medication to even get a few hours of sleep. My Oncologist told me that I wouldn't heal properly without sleep so he prescribed a sleeping pill. He warned me not to use it for more than 2 weeks at a time because it was addictive. I was afraid to take it. I didn't want to become addicted to anything, but he insisted. The first week of taking it, I slept for about 6 hours a night but woke up several times to either go to the bathroom or readjust my mountain of pillows or turn down the air conditioner or something. After the first week, I felt like the medication was messing with my head...I wasn't remembering things very well and I didn't like feeling out of control, so I stopped taking it and began taking Benadryl instead. Benadryl is non habit forming, they said on TV. Benadryl worked for a few hours and then I was wide awake. I went like that for a couple of weeks and got progressively more tired, and more emotional. Something had to give. Phil was so tired of me tossing and turning all night long. He said I was about to "bounce him off the bed." I apologized. He said, "it's okay, don't worry about it," but I did. It wasn't just about tossing and turning all night...I could deal with that...I'd dealt with it for many, many nights...I was just really tired.
I read about insomnia and ways to combat it. One suggestion was to have a nighttime routine to prepare your mind and body to be ready for sleep. I began dimming the lights in the house an hour before I planned to go to bed. I turned off the TV and went in and turned down the bed. I tried to read for about 30 minutes to relax my body and hopefully drift off to sleep...I did everything the experts suggested but nothing worked. I began to dread going to bed even though I was so tired.
I knew my body wasn't healing well. My arms continued to swell and I had no appetite whatsoever...that scared me...it's not normal not to be hungry for something...I didn't want anything...I even had to make myself drink water. I tried napping during the day, but I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut off....my thoughts were running rampant through my mind. Every day Phil would come home from work and I would literally fall into his arms and bawl my eyes out because I was so extremely tired. Something had to give and it did...
Sobbing uncontrollably, I listened to Erin as she suggested that my bedtime routine might not be working. Instead of reading, she suggested I write in my journal, dumping all of my thoughts out in one continuous stream of thought...not worrying about grammar...not worrying about filtering anything...just writing...just allowing my thoughts to come forth...just letting them flow. She said I was probably just now being able to process what had actually happened to me since March, now that things had finally slowed down and my radiation treatment was over. That made sense...she was probably right. I hadn't really thought about all I'd been through. I had just been going through the motions...doing what I was told, when I was told. I'd been through a very traumatic experience. My life had been turned totally upside down. Nothing was normal now...everything had changed.
Erin talked to me in a very soft voice...so calming, so reassuring, so filled with love. She seemed to understand exactly what I was feeling...exactly what I was thinking. I know God was giving her the words to say and I was hearing them. I needed to hear them. She was helping me think things through. She suggested I try putting some lavender essential oils on the soles of my feet...lavender is a natural relaxant. I listened. She continued to offer advice and she continued to listen to me pour out my heart. The main thing that hit me was her statement, "you're going to be okay, Mom. It's okay to feel this way." Was I really going to be okay? I thought otherwise...I knew I needed help. I knew I needed reinforcements...that's when I asked for prayer.
I'm a firm believer in prayer. I know the power of prayer. I believe in interceding for others and I needed people to intercede for me. It was time to be raw and real with my friends. It was time to put the pride away and let them know I was really struggling, so I began to reach out. It was late, so I didn't call on the phone, but sent Facebook messages instead. My prayer warriors responded and they began to pray.
At 10:00 p.m., as Phil was watching the end of a TV show, I sat with my journal in another room and recorded one long continuous stream of thought...it filled 3 pages in my journal. I wrote until my hand was cramping and I could write no longer. I felt a little lighter when I finished. At 10:30 p.m. I went into the bedroom and got ready for bed. I put lavender oil on the soles of my feet and slipped on some socks. We adjusted the ceiling fan, turned out the light, and I slid under the down comforter. I offered up a silent prayer, asking God to give me a peaceful night's sleep. I slipped my ear plugs into my ears and slid my eye mask over my eyes. I lay there in silence waiting for sleep to come...and it did.
Around 3:45 a.m. I was awakened by a very vivid dream. I don't remember all of it but in the dream was my daughter, Erin, and myself. We were in a large house somewhere and we were trying to get rid of a snake. I remember distinctly that the snake was a reddish brown pattern and just as she was about to grab it by the tail, it turned and I realized it was a poisonous snake. At that moment in the dream, another snake entwined around the reddish brown snake and although I don't remember seeing it in my dream, I just knew the second snake was going to crush and kill the first snake.
As I got up to go to the bathroom, I realized that dream I'd just had was a spiritual warfare dream....and yes, I do believe in symbolism. God was showing me that my prayer warriors and I were doing battle with the forces of darkness...
I was able to go back to sleep and woke to the sun rising just before 8:00 a.m. I glanced over at Phil, who was sound asleep. I quietly slipped into my robe and gently padded barefoot into my office. I wanted to write about my night.
For some reason, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I feel like my nights of sleeplessness are finally over. I feel at peace and I feel rested today and that is a huge blessing! I know my prayer warriors are to thank for their intercession on my behalf.
For some, the power of prayer has never been unlocked. They believe prayer is just a quick few rote sentences offered before a meal or before bed, but for those of us who have experienced answered prayer...we know that prayer is very powerful and very serious. Prayer is communication with Almighty God...the God who loves us and wants to help us. When we pray, we acknowledge Him...His power and His presence.
It wasn't a coincidence that I had a spiritual warfare dream after asking my friends to pray. Satan always tries to cause deception and confusion. He doesn't want us understand or to tap into the resource of prayer. I know from personal experience throughout my life that God does hear and does answer prayer. It may not always be the way we want Him to respond, but He does respond. Sometimes He answers yes, sometimes it's no, and sometimes it's wait.
I am thankful for faithful friends who share my prayer needs. I am also thankful for the right as sons and daughters of the Most High God that we can come boldly before the throne and present our requests without fear or hesitation. God longs for us to come to Him. He longs to commune with us and all we have to do is open our mouths and speak...
"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (New King James Bible)
"And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." 1 John 5:15 (New American Standard Bible)
Yesterday was probably the lowest day I've had since finding out I had Breast Cancer. I spent most of the day crying and feeling worthless. I was able to hide how I was feeling from my youngest daughter, Jamie, who calls me several times a day...but, when my oldest daughter, Erin, called...the dam broke. I don't really know what she said that triggered it and that doesn't really matter; all that matters is that I realized that I was in big trouble. I was depressed. I was exhausted from not sleeping. I was being bombarded by the enemy and it was time to call in reinforcements.
Erin talked to me for a long time. I don't think she realized, at first, how serious the problem really was, but as we talked...it became increasingly clear to her. She is wise beyond her years, my Erin. She listened and she let me cry it out. I felt so badly for dumping all of my emotion on her...she's only got a couple of weeks left before giving birth to our 8th grandchild...she didn't need this extra added stress...but she let me spill over onto her broad shoulders. The more we talked, the more I saw it. I was sinking into the deep, dark quagmire of depression. This wasn't like me. I'm always so bright and cheerful...so filled with joy. What was going on? What was happening to me?
For months and months I haven't slept. I can't even tell you when the last time I had a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would have been. Every single night I've had to rely on medication to even get a few hours of sleep. My Oncologist told me that I wouldn't heal properly without sleep so he prescribed a sleeping pill. He warned me not to use it for more than 2 weeks at a time because it was addictive. I was afraid to take it. I didn't want to become addicted to anything, but he insisted. The first week of taking it, I slept for about 6 hours a night but woke up several times to either go to the bathroom or readjust my mountain of pillows or turn down the air conditioner or something. After the first week, I felt like the medication was messing with my head...I wasn't remembering things very well and I didn't like feeling out of control, so I stopped taking it and began taking Benadryl instead. Benadryl is non habit forming, they said on TV. Benadryl worked for a few hours and then I was wide awake. I went like that for a couple of weeks and got progressively more tired, and more emotional. Something had to give. Phil was so tired of me tossing and turning all night long. He said I was about to "bounce him off the bed." I apologized. He said, "it's okay, don't worry about it," but I did. It wasn't just about tossing and turning all night...I could deal with that...I'd dealt with it for many, many nights...I was just really tired.
I read about insomnia and ways to combat it. One suggestion was to have a nighttime routine to prepare your mind and body to be ready for sleep. I began dimming the lights in the house an hour before I planned to go to bed. I turned off the TV and went in and turned down the bed. I tried to read for about 30 minutes to relax my body and hopefully drift off to sleep...I did everything the experts suggested but nothing worked. I began to dread going to bed even though I was so tired.
I knew my body wasn't healing well. My arms continued to swell and I had no appetite whatsoever...that scared me...it's not normal not to be hungry for something...I didn't want anything...I even had to make myself drink water. I tried napping during the day, but I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut off....my thoughts were running rampant through my mind. Every day Phil would come home from work and I would literally fall into his arms and bawl my eyes out because I was so extremely tired. Something had to give and it did...
Sobbing uncontrollably, I listened to Erin as she suggested that my bedtime routine might not be working. Instead of reading, she suggested I write in my journal, dumping all of my thoughts out in one continuous stream of thought...not worrying about grammar...not worrying about filtering anything...just writing...just allowing my thoughts to come forth...just letting them flow. She said I was probably just now being able to process what had actually happened to me since March, now that things had finally slowed down and my radiation treatment was over. That made sense...she was probably right. I hadn't really thought about all I'd been through. I had just been going through the motions...doing what I was told, when I was told. I'd been through a very traumatic experience. My life had been turned totally upside down. Nothing was normal now...everything had changed.
Erin talked to me in a very soft voice...so calming, so reassuring, so filled with love. She seemed to understand exactly what I was feeling...exactly what I was thinking. I know God was giving her the words to say and I was hearing them. I needed to hear them. She was helping me think things through. She suggested I try putting some lavender essential oils on the soles of my feet...lavender is a natural relaxant. I listened. She continued to offer advice and she continued to listen to me pour out my heart. The main thing that hit me was her statement, "you're going to be okay, Mom. It's okay to feel this way." Was I really going to be okay? I thought otherwise...I knew I needed help. I knew I needed reinforcements...that's when I asked for prayer.
I'm a firm believer in prayer. I know the power of prayer. I believe in interceding for others and I needed people to intercede for me. It was time to be raw and real with my friends. It was time to put the pride away and let them know I was really struggling, so I began to reach out. It was late, so I didn't call on the phone, but sent Facebook messages instead. My prayer warriors responded and they began to pray.
At 10:00 p.m., as Phil was watching the end of a TV show, I sat with my journal in another room and recorded one long continuous stream of thought...it filled 3 pages in my journal. I wrote until my hand was cramping and I could write no longer. I felt a little lighter when I finished. At 10:30 p.m. I went into the bedroom and got ready for bed. I put lavender oil on the soles of my feet and slipped on some socks. We adjusted the ceiling fan, turned out the light, and I slid under the down comforter. I offered up a silent prayer, asking God to give me a peaceful night's sleep. I slipped my ear plugs into my ears and slid my eye mask over my eyes. I lay there in silence waiting for sleep to come...and it did.
Around 3:45 a.m. I was awakened by a very vivid dream. I don't remember all of it but in the dream was my daughter, Erin, and myself. We were in a large house somewhere and we were trying to get rid of a snake. I remember distinctly that the snake was a reddish brown pattern and just as she was about to grab it by the tail, it turned and I realized it was a poisonous snake. At that moment in the dream, another snake entwined around the reddish brown snake and although I don't remember seeing it in my dream, I just knew the second snake was going to crush and kill the first snake.
As I got up to go to the bathroom, I realized that dream I'd just had was a spiritual warfare dream....and yes, I do believe in symbolism. God was showing me that my prayer warriors and I were doing battle with the forces of darkness...
I was able to go back to sleep and woke to the sun rising just before 8:00 a.m. I glanced over at Phil, who was sound asleep. I quietly slipped into my robe and gently padded barefoot into my office. I wanted to write about my night.
For some reason, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I feel like my nights of sleeplessness are finally over. I feel at peace and I feel rested today and that is a huge blessing! I know my prayer warriors are to thank for their intercession on my behalf.
For some, the power of prayer has never been unlocked. They believe prayer is just a quick few rote sentences offered before a meal or before bed, but for those of us who have experienced answered prayer...we know that prayer is very powerful and very serious. Prayer is communication with Almighty God...the God who loves us and wants to help us. When we pray, we acknowledge Him...His power and His presence.
It wasn't a coincidence that I had a spiritual warfare dream after asking my friends to pray. Satan always tries to cause deception and confusion. He doesn't want us understand or to tap into the resource of prayer. I know from personal experience throughout my life that God does hear and does answer prayer. It may not always be the way we want Him to respond, but He does respond. Sometimes He answers yes, sometimes it's no, and sometimes it's wait.
I am thankful for faithful friends who share my prayer needs. I am also thankful for the right as sons and daughters of the Most High God that we can come boldly before the throne and present our requests without fear or hesitation. God longs for us to come to Him. He longs to commune with us and all we have to do is open our mouths and speak...
"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (New King James Bible)
"And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." 1 John 5:15 (New American Standard Bible)
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