Detox or die trying

Can I ask you a question? Why do you come to my blog? I mean, really? You must get so tired of my whining and complaining. I don't mean to...really, I don't. I try not to make too much noise but today is just one of those days. If you want to leave now, I'll understand.

I'm hurting today...a lot. Usually, I'm not very aware of my spine as I go about my day to day activities. Today, I've been very aware of it. It's been screaming at me, telling me that something isn't right. My mid back, C-5 through 7, are not happy. My sacral disks, L-1 through 5, aren't happy either. My spine is in bad shape and when you're back's not happy, you know it. Moving hurts. Sitting hurts. Standing helps. Thank goodness the oncologist prescribed pain pills for me. I don't like to take them, but some days it's necessary.

For the past few days it seems my pain has increased exponentially. I'm not sure why but I do know my extremely low Vitamin D level is partly to blame. The 4 bulging disks in my spine, along with severe osteoarthritis are another contributing factor, but other than that...I have no clue. I don't even want to entertain thoughts that the cancer might be back, but sadly, that thought has crossed my mind more than once over the past few days.

Thinking about the possibility of recurrence has led me to do a lot of research today. I've spent hours pouring over internet articles regarding detoxification and breast cancer. There's an awful lot of information out there. Some of the articles are from medical journals and some are from holistic healer wannabes. I have to be very careful with the information and glean the good from the bad.

I know my body isn't healthy. In fact, this is the worst I've felt in my entire life. I don't like feeling this way and I've decided to do something about it. It's my body and I'm the one who has to live with it, so I have to be proactive about doing any and everything I can to live as long as I can. God knows the number of days He's allotted to me, but I want to be a good steward of the time I have left on this earth.

This weekend we'll be heading off to the beach for some much needed rest and relaxation. While there, I intend to do a lot of reading about detoxification. Hopefully I'll get some good ideas on where to begin. I know there will be many changes I'll make to my diet and completely eliminating sugar will be the first of those changes.

Last year, on the weekend of July 4th, I spent my time at the beach reflecting on my life. While there, it was an extremely emotional time. I knew just a few days later I'd be going through major surgery to remove both breasts. The reality of cancer hit me very hard. This trip to the beach will also be difficult. It will be hard to be there again and remember all the changes I've been through since being diagnosed.

The beach is where I always feel closest to God. The beauty and majesty of the sea always reminds me of His magnificent power. When I'm there, my heart stills and I can hear His voice so clearly. It will be good to get away from all all the city noise. In the Bible, we're told that Jesus often went away to quiet places to pray.

It is my hope that making changes to my diet and lifestyle will help my body recover. Perhaps all those toxins and free radicals floating around in my system will be eliminated and I'll be rejuvenated. I need it desperately.

I'll be taking the next week or so to rest, relax, and recuperate from the physical pain. We have to listen to our bodies. When we learn to understand what they are saying to us, we can hear when it's time to make changes. We only get one body and it's so important to take good care of the one we have. Mine hasn't been well cared for in a long time. It's time to get back on track.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The Unexpected

The pain in my spine prompted the Radiation Oncologist to order a complete spinal MRI which revealed a mass at L5. Next week, I'm scheduled for a PET scan. Now, I could choose to look at this from the perspective that most folks would, the practical, in your face, way...oh no, there's a mass at L5! Has the cancer metastasized? Or...I could choose to look at it the way a person of faith would, hmmm...the pain I was having in my back got so uncomfortable that I mentioned it to my doctor, who in turn, decided to be proactive and ordered an MRI of my full spine. The results of that test, while not what I expected, revealed several things...degenerative disk disease, a couple of bulging disks and something suspicious at L5. The L5 problem might never have been discovered had I not had pain in my upper back so I have to be thankful God allowed me to have the pain. No, I don't understand it and I certainly didn't expect to hear that anything showed up on the MRI report, but I'm thankful it did.

Two Radiologists read the MRI report and both of them concurred. One of them wanted to biopsy it but felt it was too dangerous to attempt. I've prayed about all of this and I've asked God to take complete control...so even if I find out the cancer has spread, I have to continue to trust that He knows what He's doing in allowing it to progress.

I have a large vinyl wall graphic up in one of my guest bedrooms. It says, "When you can't see God's hand, Trust His heart." It's so hard to trust what you can't see, isn't it? It's really hard for a visual person like me, but...God has an excellent track record and I've learned through my life that He is trustworthy. It takes great effort to trust what you can't see but it's doable and the results are in His hands.

The human side of me admits that I'm scared. I watched as my aunt died from breast cancer that metastasized into her bones. She was in a tremendous amount of constant pain. I remember visiting her in hospice, during her last days, and she told me to be sure and love others. Even in her terrible pain, she wanted to impart that knowledge. I prayed that day and asked God to never let me experience her type of pain, that deep, down, in the bone, pain. I didn't think I could ever bear it but could I?

The Bible tells me that by His stripes, we are healed. Jesus bore more pain than we could ever imagine when he took all of our sins, past, present, and future upon Himself at the cross. If He chooses this road for me, I have to trust He'll equip me to walk it, even though I don't want to...

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oh my aching back!

I used to work for a chiropractor and every day, I'd hear the patients come in complaining about their various aches and pains. Almost every single one of them would say, "oh, my aching back." Several of the older patients would tell me as they'd be leaving, "be glad you're young and you don't have back problems. When you're back hurts, everything hurts!" I was blessed. I didn't have trouble with my spine. I was happy and healthy and strong. I loved working in the medical field and enjoyed seeing others receive relief from physical pain. They'd come in grimacing, hurting and barely able to stand. After they'd received their adjustments, they'd walk out smiling and feeling instant relief. I was always amazed how quickly their countenance would change after protruding disks had been slipped back into place.

One of the perks of working for a chiropractor was the ability to receive free spinal adjustments. Although I wasn't aware of having any back problems, I decided to have the doctor adjust me one day. I'd had a migraine headache all day long and it just wouldn't go away. When he told me he could fix it, I decided to give chiropractic a try.

I went in to the examination room, put on the gown and waited for the doctor to come in. My head was pounding and I felt sick at my stomach. He came in to the room and had me lie down on the table as he checked every single vertebrae in my spine. As he lightly touched the places that were out of alignment, I could feel discomfort. As he began to adjust me, I felt instant relief. It was amazing! The doctor showed me a chart when he was through adjusting me. He explained how nerves from all over our bodies are attached to our spine. It was fascinating to know that when my head hurt, I could have my spine adjusted and the pain would disappear. Within a week or two, I was sold on chiropractic and the benefits of natural healing to the body. 

Today, my back hurts, my arms hurt, every joint in my body is telling me I'm not as young as I used to be. In fact, I think they're screaming, "what in the world were you thinking???"  They don't just ache and they aren't just stiff, they hurt! I wish I still worked for the chiropractor because if I did, I know he could adjust me and make me good as new. But, I don't have anyone to adjust me any longer. Since surgery, my body has been in agony. The muscles and tendons that were deeply cut are no longer the same. I can't move the way I used to move. It takes great effort to do things that once used to be easy.

Last night was our family Christmas gathering. I worked for days beforehand getting everything ready...cleaning and scrubbing, mopping and vacuuming, dusting and doing...making sure everything would be perfect. And everything was perfect. We had a lovely time sharing a delicious meal, good conversation and reminiscing over Christmases past, but I should have known better.

I stayed up late watching a movie with one of my daughters. I don't stay up late any more...usually, I'm in bed by 9:30 p.m. It was a Christmas movie and it was really good...I thought it would be okay, just this once. I'm not that old!

Today, I've suffered from all the work I did preparing, from staying up late, from picking up my granddaughter and doing things I shouldn't have done...but, I thought I could handle...WRONG. It seems my body isn't as strong as it used to be and I haven't been listening to it like I should. It's been telling me it's tired and needs to rest but I didn't heed the warnings. My poor aching back! I don't want to complain, really, but it just hurts.

Why do we focus so much on comfort? We want everything to be easy. We don't want to have to put forth any effort. Why don't we appreciate the good along with the bad? Every ache, every pain reminds me that I'm still alive. Yes, picking up my granddaughter, who weighs 25 pounds, wasn't a good thing to do but that smile...that impish little grin she gave me...it was worth it. All the cleaning and scrubbing, yes, it was taxing, but the reward was greater...just knowing my children and grandchildren would come in to a nice clean home, was priceless. Staying up late, when my body said "no, don't do it, you'll be sorry," was totally worth it because it gave me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. So yes, I'm hurting, but it's okay.

The rain today hasn't helped much. I've always heard it makes the joints ache and now I know that to be true, but even though my body is screaming out in agony, I can laugh louder than the rain. All these aches and pains...maybe they really aren't screaming out at me. Maybe they're just trying to remind me that I'm still alive and that life is a gift and I need to remember this truth.


Someone once said that life is like a sponge that is totally saturated with good things to enjoy. The harder we squeeze, the more life pours out onto us...well, I want to visualize myself squeezing every last bit of life from that sponge! I want to squeeze it so hard that it hurts.

Maybe it's not so much about being comfortable all the time...maybe it's more about thriving in the uncomfortable. Maybe it's about embracing the struggle instead of trying to find an easier way. I hope I will always remember to live life to the fullest and even when my body hurts, that I'll be listening when I hear it whispering, "be thankful you're alive!"

Indeed, my back is hurting and I would give anything for an adjustment right about now, but I'll take the pain and I'll be grateful for it because as long as I can still feel it...I'm still here and that's definitely a plus.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved