Detours, Dead Ends, and Dry Holes

In the wee hours of the morning, I find the house completely quiet. In the darkness, I fumble for my cell phone. I keep it in the drawer of my bedside table. I slip it underneath the covers while I turn it on, I know the illumination from the phone would blind my eyes at this hour. As I wait for the phone to power up, I whisper a silent prayer..."God, what do you want to speak to my heart today?"

My phone is ready, so I move the sliders to decrease the brightness and sound. On my home screen, I have the Daily Bible App. I click on it and click on the Devotions tab, then I scroll through the various devotions until I find "Love Worth Finding" by Adrian Rogers. Although he passed away in 2005, this wonderful Southern Baptist pastor has always been one of my favorites.

I search through a list of his devotions and stop on the one I feel God leading me to choose. The devotion is titled "Detours, Dead Ends, and Dry Holes." The focal passages for this devotion are found in Exodus 13, 14, and 15. Pulling the comforter up just a little, I snuggle in to listen.

The past few days have been difficult. I can't help but think of them as the sermon plays on. Though I try to listen intently, I find my mind wandering to the results of my MRI. I wasn't expecting anything to be found and yet, it was. Dr. Rogers is talking about Moses leading the Israelites through the Wilderness. In my mind, I get a visual of them wandering. God didn't take them on the short route. He took them the looooong way around. They wandered for 40 years! I listen as he tells about God providing the pillar of cloud to guide them by day and the pillar of fire to guide them by night, a very familiar passage to me. A tiny thought pops into my mind...my life seems to parallel this sermon. I've felt like I've been wandering lately, wondering what God's up to in my life.

As the sermon continues, Dr. Rogers points out that God's purpose for taking the Israelites on this huge detour is to allow them to go through a kind of holy boot camp. God uses the long period of time they spend not knowing where they are going to teach them to trust. In my spirit, I get a check...yes, God. I heard that.

Breast cancer doesn't really compare to the type of trials the Israelites faced, but for me, it's been a huge test of faith. Last year, I was deep into the wandering stage as I went from one doctor to the next, test after test, surgery, and then recovery. I thought I was coming down the home stretch. The past couple of months have been a little easier and then, BAM! The unexpected happens...another suspicious mass spotted on my spine...

I realized the more I listen to Dr. Rogers speak that God hand selected this message for me. Now I am visualizing the Israelites with the Egyptians hot on their heels as they come closer and closer to the Red Sea. I can just imagine their fear, they see the angry soldiers behind them and the raging sea ahead of them...it seems to be a dead end, but is it? When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, immediately I thought I'd been given a death sentence...a dead end...the point of no return. I was sure I was going to die. I'm sure the Israelites felt the same way - the spears behind them and the sea ahead...a painful death either way! But wait! What did God say? He told the Israelites to:
1. Fear not
2. Be Still
3. Know that I am God
4. See the salvation of the Lord
Okay...so, even though it seemed like a hopeless dead end, God let them know He was still in charge. He wasn't freaked out...everything was going according to His plan. Bonnie, did you hear that? Yes, Lord...I heard. Even though my MRI looks scary and sounds even scarier, I still believe You want me to trust You and not be afraid. You want me to remember that YOU ARE GOD and YOU have a plan.

So why did God put the Israelites through the wanderings? Why did he let them experience fear? He needed to humble them and test them...He needed to prove what was in their hearts. He wanted them to understand who He was and how little their faith was. Again, God pricked my heart...I'm allowing you to go through these medical issues to test your faith too, Bonnie, I felt Him quietly speak to my spirit.

Well, the clock on my dresser showed an hour had passed. I knew the sermon would be ending soon. Adrian was winding it up when he finished the story...the Israelites crossed the Red Sea by God's providential hand and then they came to the land of Mara and found a dry hole...no water to drink because the water was bitter. They began to murmur among themselves and complain to Moses. Moses in turn began to pray and seek God. And do you know what, even while Moses was praying, God's provision was there...God showed Moses a tree that, when cast into the water, would make the water sweet and drinkable. Another prick...even though the MRI shows something suspicious, don't give up hope! I've already made provision, I heard God whisper.

When the sermon stopped, I turned off my cell phone. Lying in bed, I began to drink in all that I'd heard. It was as if I'd tasted my first handful of sweet water. I could feel it, cool upon my tongue. Why had they doubted? The Israelites had just been set free from the Egyptians. God had brought them out of bondage and was leading them to a beautiful oasis but they couldn't see it because it was just over the hill....

Whether the PET scan shows cancer or not, I know God has a purpose and a plan for me. Either way, I'm going to remember not to be afraid. I'm going to hear God tell me to be still and know that He is God and as I put all of my faith in Him, I know He's going to do something amazing!

Yep. Breast cancer was definitely a big detour in my life. It's taken me down roads I never wanted to travel. I've come to some big obstructions that seemed like insurmountable dead ends, but God has been faithful. He's never left me beside a dry place. He's been right by my side guiding me.

Thank you, Lord, that a sermon recorded years ago was fresh and new and just what I needed to hear today. I still don't know where You're taking me or how You're going to take me there, but that's okay. I trust You enough for the next step.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The Unexpected

The pain in my spine prompted the Radiation Oncologist to order a complete spinal MRI which revealed a mass at L5. Next week, I'm scheduled for a PET scan. Now, I could choose to look at this from the perspective that most folks would, the practical, in your face, way...oh no, there's a mass at L5! Has the cancer metastasized? Or...I could choose to look at it the way a person of faith would, hmmm...the pain I was having in my back got so uncomfortable that I mentioned it to my doctor, who in turn, decided to be proactive and ordered an MRI of my full spine. The results of that test, while not what I expected, revealed several things...degenerative disk disease, a couple of bulging disks and something suspicious at L5. The L5 problem might never have been discovered had I not had pain in my upper back so I have to be thankful God allowed me to have the pain. No, I don't understand it and I certainly didn't expect to hear that anything showed up on the MRI report, but I'm thankful it did.

Two Radiologists read the MRI report and both of them concurred. One of them wanted to biopsy it but felt it was too dangerous to attempt. I've prayed about all of this and I've asked God to take complete control...so even if I find out the cancer has spread, I have to continue to trust that He knows what He's doing in allowing it to progress.

I have a large vinyl wall graphic up in one of my guest bedrooms. It says, "When you can't see God's hand, Trust His heart." It's so hard to trust what you can't see, isn't it? It's really hard for a visual person like me, but...God has an excellent track record and I've learned through my life that He is trustworthy. It takes great effort to trust what you can't see but it's doable and the results are in His hands.

The human side of me admits that I'm scared. I watched as my aunt died from breast cancer that metastasized into her bones. She was in a tremendous amount of constant pain. I remember visiting her in hospice, during her last days, and she told me to be sure and love others. Even in her terrible pain, she wanted to impart that knowledge. I prayed that day and asked God to never let me experience her type of pain, that deep, down, in the bone, pain. I didn't think I could ever bear it but could I?

The Bible tells me that by His stripes, we are healed. Jesus bore more pain than we could ever imagine when he took all of our sins, past, present, and future upon Himself at the cross. If He chooses this road for me, I have to trust He'll equip me to walk it, even though I don't want to...

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Is God still good?

Jason and his wife, Kara

Yesterday afternoon I lost another friend. Her battle with breast cancer had been going on for the past two years. We never met in person but connected through Facebook and emails. As our friendship flourished, I felt I'd gained another sister.

Kara Tippetts was an amazing woman of God. She was born in 1976, the same year I gave birth to my oldest child. She grew up in Indiana, and earned her BS in English Education at Indiana University. She met her husband Jason at a Christian camp located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They were married on May 16, 1998.

Kara met Jesus while in high school. Her youth leader read her a tract about Christianity and a friend invited her to youth group. Hearing a message about forgiveness prompted her to seek a relationship with Jesus, where she found total acceptance, kindness, and grace. While she didn’t experience instant change in her life, dramatic changes were slowly occurring in her heart. Kindness became Kara’s passion; it defined her relationship with Jason, and her four children: Eleanor, Harper, Lake, and Story Jane.

Answering a call to plant Westside Church in 2012, the Tippetts moved to Colorado where they soon after had to evacuate their home due to the Waldo Canyon Fire. It was this same summer that Kara received her breast cancer diagnosis. Despite beginning aggressive treatment for the cancer, Kara put her whole heart into growing and developing the new community that would become Westside, reaching out to others and teaching by example how to love and care for people well and sacrificially.

As the cancer spread, Kara courageously embraced her situation, trusting in a Sovereign God. She believed that cancer was not the point, but Jesus was; how she responded and trusted Christ in the midst of this hard was where she would find grace.

In the fall of 2014, David C. Cook published her story, "The Hardest Peace." The response to Kara’s book has been overwhelming. Kara fought harder than ever to live well and love others well and with intentionality. She refused to be defined by cancer and considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level. 

Kara fought valiantly for almost 2 1/2 years. During her struggle with cancer, she asked herself a question, "in the midst of life's hard, is God still good?" That question made me begin to think about my own life and how I would answer. 

In the middle of trials, we pray for the courage to get through. We pray that our faith will not fail. We pray asking God to help our unbelief, we pray for a miracle...yet often, God seems quiet. Tears stream down our faces and we wonder if He hears us at all. 

Nancy Guthrie, in her book "Holding on to Hope," says "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness - this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

God's grace meets us every day. Some days we see it and other days we barely notice it. Walking through the valley of breast cancer, the moments we cling to grace seem to multiply. When we realize we are absolutely powerless to control, change, or fix our current condition we find ourselves clinging to the cross. 

Kara lived her life well. She loved others well. She walked with Jesus daily even in the midst of life's hard. Yesterday, she finished well. As she entered the glorious gates of heaven, I imagine she walked straight into her Savior's arms and as He lovingly embraced her, heard the words, "well done though good and faithful servant."

Yes, God is good all the time. He is good in the hard things and in the easy things. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No, we may never understand the reasons He allows us to suffer but if we can just learn to trust Him in the good times and the bad times, we'll be able to embrace the grace He bestows upon us. His perfect peace meets us when we need it most. 

Can I dare say that God is good in the midst of my battle with cancer as Kara did? Yes! I have learned to accept both the good things and the not so good things from His hand. I have learned that nothing slips through His fingers into my life without His permission. Coming to grips with this fact has given me the most profound sense of peace I've ever experienced in my life and allows me to emphatically state that yes, God is still good. 

It was a very emotional day for me yesterday. This was the second friend I'd lost to breast cancer over the last 6 months. They both were so young. They both had small children. It seemed so unfair. But I had to remind myself that God is a just God. I don't understand His ways nor am I supposed to because He is God and I am not. I am thankful I had the opportunity to interact with them and get to know them well. They both impacted my life deeply. 

Perhaps my tears were not only for my friend, but also for myself. Perhaps they were for the countless women who will travel this road in the future. Perhaps they were the result of dread and fear that I will meet the same fate, I'm only human, you know? 

I love this quotation from the book, "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard - "Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the place which you dread, you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 

I have no idea what the future holds for me. As hard as it may be, I will fight to walk in faith. I don't want to live in fear and dread....I don't want to listen to those "what ifs" that Satan continually whispers to my mind. May I hold tightly to God's hand and walk in confidence and hope as I trust Him to lead me daily step by step. Yes, life is often hard, but God is still good, all the time. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Forgetting what lies behind

What I want you to know:
I was there to see a new doctor...to become established as a new patient. The office was crowded but the staff was friendly...it will be okay, I thought. Within just a few minutes, the nurse called my name. I rose from my seat and walked toward the door. I winked at my husband, who was filling out paperwork, "see you in a few minutes," I said.

The nurse took me back through a maze of hallways and after getting my weight, took me into an exam room where she asked general health questions. When it came time for her to take my blood pressure, I knew I would have to tell her about the cancer. I had hoped I wouldn't have to divulge that information so quickly, but it was necessary. She pulled the cuff from the wall and came closer. As she was about to wrap the cuff around my arm, I said, "you'll have to do it on my ankle." She looked at me through puzzled eyes and that's when I remarked, "I have breast cancer." I showed her my Lymphedema sleeves and she shook her head. "My mother had breast cancer and she had sleeves too." I felt a little more at ease. She said, "I'll let the doctor decide what to do about the blood pressure." She smiled and stepped out of the room. I waited.

In a couple of minutes my new physician was entering the room. He reached out his hand to make my acquaintance. He seemed very professional and friendly. I commented on the artwork he had on the exam room walls. They were covered in framed, handmade drawings and paintings created by a child. Evidently they were done by either his child or a grandchild. He smiled and thanked me telling me that the pictures were made by his "now grown" daughter. I told him I had 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren with one on the way. He smiled.

We proceeded through a crash course of my medical history and he asked the reason for my visit. I explained that we were new to the area and were just there to get established. He asked what my main concern was and I told him I didn't really have one other than the breast cancer. I was already being treated for that. He asked me to lie back on the exam table and proceeded to take my blood pressure on my ankle. I was very still as he listened to my heart and lungs. He ordered some routine blood tests and asked if I needed any of my medications filled while I was there. I gave him the necessary information and thanked him as I headed for the lab.

Sitting in the chair, waiting to have my blood drawn, I could feel my heart beating faster. I was nervous. When the lab tech came over, needle in hand, she glanced down at my arms. I don't think she realized I was wearing compression sleeves. She must have thought I was wearing a long sleeve shirt underneath my blouse. As she readied herself to draw my blood, and saw I wasn't making any effort to raise my sleeves, I could see a questioned look on her face. "I have breast cancer," I heard myself saying once again. I explained to her that my blood could only be drawn on my left hand and only using a butterfly needle. She looked and saw that the veins on that hand were very tiny. She began vigorously slapping the top of my hand in hopes of making the veins become more prominent. After a few minutes, I felt a stick. She had inserted the butterfly needle at the precise location she had chosen but had missed the mark. She called to her coworker and asked for help. The other lab tech came over and with just a few quick adjustments was able to get the blood to flow easily. "Oh, you have the magic touch," I said. The older woman exclaimed, "honey, I've been doing this for fourteen years." I asked her if she had prayed over that needle before sticking me. She smiled and said, "yes, I did. I always do!" We smiled at each other and I was thankful she was a sister in Christ.

I left the office that day with a bandage on my hand. As my husband and I were driving home from our appointments, I began thinking. Why did I tell the nurse, the doctor, and the lab techs that I have breast cancer? Why didn't I say I had cancer? That was food for thought.

This morning, while having my devotional, I came across two verses in the Bible that helped me find the answer to my questions.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 New International Version

"Brothers and sisters I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 New International Version

The reason I said, "I have breast cancer," is because I had been looking backward instead of looking forward. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I no longer have it. I've had surgery. I've had radiation, and in just a few days, I'll start on medication. I needed to shift my thinking.

I needed to look forward with my eyes fixed on the goal before me...to live. I needed to look forward with gratitude and excitement. The only reason I ever have to look back is to remember how far I've come. I never want to look back with regret. I never want to look back and wish things were different. To keep growing and changing, I have to keep moving. I have to move forward and not backward.

Over and over again, I hear people say to me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That statement is not in the Bible and is definitely not true. God often gives us more than we can handle and the reason He does is to show us that even when we are weak, He is strong. He is sufficient. Even in the depths of suffering, He is good.

As I look forward, I know that God is already there. He's waiting for me with outstretched hand. He is ready and willing to walk my path with me. When I look back, I see how far He's already taken me. We've traveled up steep and rocky trails together. Some of those trails I knew I couldn't climb...but we did it...we made it together! There may be rocky paths ahead still, but I'm willing to go wherever He leads me...one step at a time. I will keep moving forward. 

What I'm thinking:
Sometimes, I think it's okay to look back, just for a glance, just to remember. I always want to remember His faithfulness. my journey with breast cancer isn't over yet but my thinking has changed. I won't be so quick to exclaim, "I have breast cancer." I think the reason I've done that in the past was because of my fear of the  unknown. Surgery and radiation should have removed all traces of the cancer, but that little feeling of insecurity has said, "but, what  it...." It's time to put those thoughts to rest. I may have had breast cancer, but it isn't going to have me. I'm moving forward and not only am I looking at what lies ahead of me, I'm looking up, too. God is doing a new thing! He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The old is gone and the new has come.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved