One step is enough

As a child, I used to love to watch Jacques Cousteau, a renowned oceanographer. I was always intrigued as he'd put on all of his diving gear and then, just at the moment he was about to flip over the edge of the boat into the water, he'd grab his face mask and hold it tightly so no water would enter. I wanted to be a deep sea diver! I thought it would be so awesome to venture into the undersea world and explore. Just to think of the beautiful and varied sea creatures amid the tangle of sea weed makes me smile. But amid the striking colors of the clown fish, the mandarin fish, and the lion fish are the ugly, steely gray sharks! My fascination with the undersea world stops there. While they are interesting to see, I would never want to chance meeting one face to face!

The first thought that came to mind this morning was that Cancer is like trudging along the bottom of the ocean floor in a lead deep sea diving suit. I remember watching Jacques being helped into one of those cumbersome suits on the ABC television show, The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau, back in 1968. Though I was a young girl at the time, I was captivated as I sat glued to the TV. I watched intently as Jacques was lowered deep onto the ocean floor and I chewed my fingers as I watched him lift first one leg and then the other to move slowly and deliberately across the ocean bottom. Each step he took brought up a cloud of ocean debris as the heavy lead boot hit the sand beneath him. I could almost feel the effort he was using to move through the water. His movements were very animated but no matter how difficult it was, he kept putting one foot in front of the other. 

Getting through this Cancer journey is the same way for me. Daily I have to choose to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I am learning to rely on my faith to move me through the deep, unknown waters of this disease. I can't focus on the entire journey...one step is enough. I have to learn to look down at my feet and realize that where I am at that very moment is where my focus has to be. I'm learning to trust God for each step of the journey along the way. Some steps may be baby steps and other steps may be giant steps, but with Him I'm always moving forward in faith. Though murky waters surround me and I am unable to see clearly, I will press on because I know I am never alone. 

Faith is like learning to swim. If you struggle in the water, you'll sink and most likely drown. If you just lean back and relax, you'll float and the water will lift your weight effortlessly to the top. With God's help, I'm going to stop swimming against the tide in a school of fear and learn to float on faith in Him. Then I can marvel at all He's doing in my life at the moment instead of feeling weighed down by the magnitude of this disease. 

Your prayers will be my regulator. A diver cannot breathe directly out of the tank because the high pressure would damage his lungs therefore, the cylinder is fitted with a regulator. The regulator does two things: It reduces the pressure from the tank to a safe level for inhalation, and it supplies air on-demand. If I try to ingest the full scope of this Cancer, I'll choke, so please cover me daily in prayer. Pray that I will learn to let go and float instead of sinking due to my struggling. Pray that my faith will increase as God guides me along the way. For your help, I'll be eternally grateful. I can't get through this alone. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

^"For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!], Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"For we walk by faith [we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man’s relationship to God and divine things, with trust and holy fervor; thus we walk] not by sight or appearance." 2 Corinthians 5:7 (Amplified Bible)

Sounds FISH-Y to me

Today I received a call from my nurse navigator (an oncology nurse assigned to me during all of my Cancer surgeries, treatments, etc. She told me a little bit of good news involving my recent FISH test. The FISH test (Fluorescence In Situ Hybridization) is a test that “maps” the genetic material in a person’s cells. This test can be used to visualize specific genes or portions of genes. FISH testing is done on breast cancer tissue removed during biopsy to see if the cells have extra copies of the HER2 gene. The more copies of the HER2 gene that are present, the more HER2 receptors the cells have. These HER2 receptors receive signals that stimulate the growth of breast cancer cells.
The FISH test results will tell you that the cancer is either “positive” or “negative” for Her2/neu.

HER2/neu (human epidermal growth factor receptor 2), is a protein that appears on the surface of some breast cancer cells. It is an important part of the cellular pathway for growth and survival.

• HER2/neu-positive (HER2+) tumors have many HER2/neu genes inside the cancer cells (also called HER2/neu over-expression) and a large amount of HER2/neu protein on the surface of the cancer cells
• HER2/neu-negative (HER2-) tumors have few HER2/neu genes inside the cancer cells and little or no HER2/neu protein on the surface of the cancer cells

About 15 to 20 percent of breast cancers are HER2+. These breast cancers tend to be more aggressive than other tumors. HER2/neu status helps guide your treatment plan. My tumor is Her2/neu negative which is good news because it means that my tumor has fewer HER2/neu genes inside of it and the cancer is less aggressive than those that are HER2/neu positive! YAY FOR ME!!! (it's a small celebration but I'll take any I can get at this point!)

I also received the report on my hormone receptor status. Hormone receptors are proteins found inside some cancer cells. When hormones (estrogen and progesterone) attach to these receptors, they make the cancer cells grow.

• Estrogen and progesterone receptor-positive (ER+ and PR+) tumors have many hormone receptors
• Estrogen and progesterone receptor-negative (ER- and PR-) tumors have few or no hormone receptors

The hormone receptor status guides the treatment plan. My tumor is ER+ and PR+, (estrogen and progesterone positive which means those hormones stimulate the Cancer and cause it to grow.) Doctors need to know what stimulates the tumor to grow so they can interrupt the stimulants by using hormone therapies, such as tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitors, chemotherapy, and radiation.

I won't know my exact course of treatment until the surgery is performed and the lymph node biopsies come back from pathology. But thankfully we have these various tests and tools to help the doctors know best how to fight my individual Cancer cells.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The ultimate wake up call

Receiving a diagnosis of Breast Cancer has been the ultimate wake up call for me. As soon as I heard the words come out of the doctor's mouth, I immediately thought I'd just been given my death sentence. I was frightened beyond words.

I'm a realist and I know we're all going to die sometime. The question is not "if" but "when." For Cancer patients sometimes the "when" becomes an immediate issue when in all actuality, we should be focused on this issue every single day. There's a popular song out right now called "Live like you were dying" but how many people do you know that really live that way? I don't know many myself, in fact most people I know take every day for granted. They get into a regular routine and just assume they're going to wake up the next morning. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I'm choosing to "live like I was dying now."

Life is precious and not to be wasted. Why then do we fill up our lives with meaningless, trivial details? Why do we waste time worrying over insignificant events and lose sight of the real issues of life? Why do we focus on things we can never change? Why is it so easy to focus on all the negativity in the world? We need to learn to live enthusiastically. We need to learn to live with optimism and hope.

The word enthusiasm comes from two Greek words meaning "God within." We are the conduit of His love and when we live enthusiastically, we allow His love to permeate our being. Cancer patients are often told that positive thinking will affect the outcome of their treatment in a good way. It's hard to be positive and enthusiastic when dealing with side effects from toxic chemicals swimming in your bloodstream, but it can be done. I know several women who've done it.

Let me tell you about one of the women I had the honor of knowing. Her name was Rachael. Rachael was in her late thirties and was the mother of two young children. When she was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, she knew she was in for the fight of her life. She not only wanted to live for herself, but for her husband and her children. Rachael fought valiantly. She did everything the doctors told her to do. She changed her diet, exercised, followed the prescribed treatment plans, and did everything right. The doctors didn't give Rachael a good prognosis. In fact, they told her she didn't have long to live, but Rachael proved them wrong. With her deep faith in God, her positive outlook on life and great enthusiasm; she did all she could to beat Cancer. Rachael lived about 5 years longer than expected and in that time, I never saw her complain. I never saw her depressed. I never saw her be angry. Her will to live was strong. She loved God and always showed love for others.

I want my life to be like that. Getting diagnosed with Breast Cancer has been an ultimate wake up call for me. I don't look at things the way I did in the past any longer. I don't take things for granted. Every sunrise is a gift to me. I am choosing to live my life differently now. Instead of dwelling on problems or stressful situations; I'm learning to live in the moment. Like Rachael, I'm choosing to allow my faith in God to be what carries me through this difficult time in my life. I will cling to hope.

I am not ready to die. I am not willing to accept a death sentence. I'm not going down without a fight! I'm going to do whatever it takes to beat this disease and when I come out on the other side of it, when I can truly say I'm a survivor, I'm going to shake my fist in Cancer's face and say enthusiastically "you thought this was going to be an easy victory didn't you, but you were sadly mistaken." I am positive that I will be victorious because Christ lives inside me and the victory has already been won!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

My get up and go got up and went!

This morning I slept until 9 a.m. That is really late for me since I am usually up and going by 5:30 a.m. each morning. I have been so physically tired lately. It's an effort to do anything and that is not like me at all. Usually I get up and get busy right away doing things around the house. I'm full of energy and go full steam ahead until early evening. Now I'm finding myself feeling exhausted a couple of hours after waking and even menial tasks are an effort for me. Have you ever had the flu or mononucleosis? Do you remember how hard it was to just get up out of the bed? That's the way I'm feeling right now...like I have to make myself do things.

Researching the internet helped me understand that the way I'm feeling is not something out of the ordinary for people with Breast Cancer. Cancer-related fatigue (CRF - sometimes simply called "cancer fatigue") is one of the most common side effects of Cancer and its treatments. It is often described as "paralyzing." Usually, it comes on suddenly, does not result from activity or exertion, and is not relieved by rest or sleep. It may not end - even when treatment is complete.

My daughter said it's because my body is working hard to fight those nasty little Cancer cells that are having a field day inside of me. I never thought of it that way, but I guess she's right. I do know that I don't like feeling this way but I'm going to do my best to push through it.

Being exhausted is not a laughing matter but this old poem makes me laugh every time I read it. It surely describes how I feel right now...my get up and go got up and went.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
But, though nations are warring, and Congress is vexed,
We’ll still stick around to see what happens next!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

When I was young, my slippers were red;
I could kick up my heels right over my head.
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance the whole night through.
Now I am older, my slippers are black.
I huff to the store and puff my way back.
But never you laugh; I don’t mind at all:
I’d rather be huffing than not puff at all!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Open the paper, and read the Obits.
If I’m not there, I know I’m not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been! 

 

 

True Friends

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day without thinking about my upcoming surgery and what a blessing that was to me! Two very dear friends, Margot and Steve Lane, came to spend the day with me. We enjoyed a nice visit, lunch at a local Thai restaurant, and a little shopping. I am so thankful for their friendship because they helped me relax and really enjoy the day.

Margot is hilarious! She always finds the funniest things to say or do that make me laugh. Her positive outlook on life is infectious. She's not only a very special friend of mine, she's also my sister in Christ. We share a special bond for which I am truly grateful.

Steve is very soft spoken and gentle. He is a profound thinker and when he speaks, he chooses his words carefully.  His British accent gives a wonderful charm to his comments and he can make anything sound interesting!

Before Margot and Steve arrived, I worried that they may ask me questions about the Cancer and the upcoming surgery. I was so emotional and I was really hoping not to have to face a barage of questions. Thankfully, they never asked one question unless I opened the door first.

Margot and Steve are true friends. They are friends who have managed to look past the horror of a Cancer diagnosis. Yes, they clearly understood I was going through a difficult time and didn't really feel up to chatting. They never made me feel like I needed to answer endless questions. They didn't make me feel like I had to put on a face of happiness to hide how I really felt inside. They had come simply because they truly loved and cared about me. When they left, I felt very encouraged.

I am so thankful for true friends...friends who can love me even when I'm not lovely. Without friends, the valley of Cancer would be a very lonely place to be. I'm so thankful that God created the gift of friendship so we can enjoy being in each others presence.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I am weak

I'll admit it. I am weak. Although I long to be strong, and as a child of God I should be, sometimes I find that I am very weak. Cancer has helped me see just how weak I am. Wouldn't you think I'd be able to laugh through my tiredness and keep my emotions in control at all times? After all, my strength is supposed to come from the Lord, isn't it?

I've been reading a lot in the book of Paul lately. My suffering seems so trivial compared to what he endured. He was mobbed, jailed, beaten, deprived of food and sleep, and endured three shipwrecks. But even in the midst of all of those things, he was able to say he was most happy to be proud of his weaknesses so that he could feel the strength and protection of the Lord over him.

There's nothing about my weakness, my tiredness, my pain, or my emotional mood swings that makes me proud. I have realized though that people will only see me as a strong woman if they can understand how difficult this journey really is for me. If I go through surgery and treatments without ever talking about how hard it is, or if I never share my emotions with them; they won't see all that God is doing in my life. When they see my tears of depression slip out in the midst of a normal day, when they see a forced smile in the midst of pain, then and only then can they marvel at the strength God has given me. When they hear me admit my weakness yet still continue on, they can praise God for my persistence.

There is truth to Paul's words. When I admit I am weak, then I can boast. But I am not boasting in my own abilities...only in the strength God has given me to press on. I hate the weakness that Cancer has brought into my life. But during this trial, as I've surrendered to God and trusted Him, I've learned to appreciate His strength. I've learned to appreciate the love and support of those around me.

Thank you, God, for showing me that it's okay for me to be weak because when I am weak, You are strong. Help me use my admission of weakness to point others to You.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"So fto keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,1 ga thorn was given me in the flesh, ha messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 iThree times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, j“My grace is sufficient for you, for kmy power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that lthe power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 mFor the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For owhen I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

^"4 In fact, in everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God.
We patiently endure suffering and hardship and trouble of every kind." 2 Corinthians 6:4

The Avalanche begins

I just got a call from the pre-registration department of the hospital. After playing 20 questions, the guy on the phone says (in one long unbroken breath) "you'll need to pay your remaining deductible and that's $486.17, how would you like to pay that?" I paused and told him we weren't expecting to have to pay that right now. He said "you can set up payment arrangements with the front desk upon check in." Wow!

The medical bills have already started rolling in and I haven't even had my surgery yet! How does anyone afford Cancer? We just received a bill from the hospital last week for the pathology and lab work in the amount of $580.00. Thankfully my husband does have insurance and they should pay 80% of the upcoming medical bills but there are no guarantees. Insurance companies drop Cancer patients every day along with people suffering from other long term illnesses.

I'm not a proponent of socialized medicine or "Obamacare" but what do people do when they have no way to pay for their medical bills? Do they just claim medical bankruptcy? Do they self treat at home? Do they forego treatment all together? Do they set up minimum payments on long term payment plans that could last for a decade or more?

It's sad that Cancer patients have to have the added stress of medical bills in conjunction with all the other stressors they face on a daily basis. There should be concessions that hospitals and insurance companies could make to help alleviate some of the monetary burden upon patients. It's hard enough to deal with the agony of a devastating medical diagnosis, surgery, treatments, pain, emotional turmoil and then on top of all that have to deal with medical woes...it's enough to kill a person. Maybe that's what they're trying to do to keep from having to pay out large claims...HMMMM????

©bonnie annis all rights reserved