The doctor keeps telling me I have to wear my fake boobs, but "I don't want to," I say this like a stubborn little girl with her arms crossed. I stamp my foot and say, "NO. You can't make me!" But only in my mind, I never let the words slip out of my mouth. What's wrong with being flat? I never had much to begin with and now I have even less than before.
Well, I tried it and I didn't like it. After a few months of living sans breasts and forcing myself to wear the fake boobs, I felt like a phony. I felt like I was misrepresenting myself. I couldn't help that I had
breast cancer. I couldn't help that my breasts had to go. Putting on these falsies felt like a huge lie and they made me feel horrible about myself. Yes, they made my shirts fit a little better but other than that, I was just pretending.
Wearing the prostheses reminded me of a time way back when I was in grammar school. All my little friends were starting to get their "boobies." I wanted some so badly but I was flat as a pancake. There were a few of us who just weren't developing yet and we all decided to take matters into our own hands. So one day, in the school restroom, we got our little training bras and stuffed them with Kleenex until we had little mounds of fake breasts. We thought we were hot stuff! We got ourselves all adjusted and strutted right out of that bathroom with our little chests sticking out in front of us. We were so proud of ourselves...that is, until some of the tissue slipped and we were lopsided, which called for a quick readjustment. But then, to make matters worse, one of my girlfriends had the worst luck. Her tissue fell completely out of her bra onto the floor. Imagine the absolute look of horror on her face when her boob drifted slowly out from under her shirt and floated casually to the floor leaving her flat on one side and poofy on the other! As I think back about it now, I laugh but we were desperate back then! Why did we feel this way? Even at such a tender young age, we were already brainwashed into thinking to be a woman, you had to have breasts.
Some women choose to have reconstruction after their mastectomies and some don't. There's nothing wrong with women who choose to have reconstruction, it just simply wasn't for me. I had no desire whatsoever to put myself through any more surgery or any more pain. But some women can't fathom the thoughts of living without their breasts, even if they're abnormal looking...like those formed from extra stomach fat, back fat, fanny fat, or jiggly underarm or thigh fat. Reconstructive surgeons can make fake boobs out of pretty much any fatty tissue on a woman's body but it's a complicated procedure and doesn't always work. Reconnecting all of those delicate blood vessels isn't easy and sometimes, the tissue dies. There are many, many breast reconstruction horror stories. Just Google it for yourself and you'll see! But it's the choice of each breast cancer patient and the choice they make is one they have to be happy with for the rest of their lives. Every breast cancer patient has so many options presented to them and there are so many factors that come into play, so how can I be one to judge? The main decision we, as breast cancer survivors have to make, is to live.
I thought about it. I really did. I thought about what the doctor said about having to wear my fake boobs. I thought about what she said about how my body would react if I didn't wear them...how my shoulders would eventually round forward and how my spine would start giving me problems. But when I thought about putting fake boobs where my real breasts used to be, I just couldn't do it. Even she said, "well, you really didn't have big boobs in the first place. So why on Earth did the fitter at the prostheses store give you such big ones?" I told the doc, "I have no idea. I told her I wanted a size A cup but I think she gave me a C or D! The ones I have must weigh 2 or 3 pounds each."
But the more and more I thought about it, I decided why should I let society dictate what I do with my life? Why does it matter if I have no breasts? Am I less than every other woman? Can I still be considered sexy? Am I still a woman? Who sets the standards anyway? Can't I be just me with or without boobs?
I talked it over with my husband and we decided that even without boobs, I was still pretty amazing. I was still a woman, still a wife, still a mother, still a grandmother in spite of every thing breast cancer wanted to steal from me. So I will continue to be "flat as a flitter." I feel more comfortable that way, especially at home. Maybe, on rare occasions when I feel like it, I'll slip into my mastectomy bra and take the girls out for a spin, but more than likely I'll leave them in their cute little pink zippered boxes and let them sulk their little silicone hearts out.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
It’s
not that I deny anyone the right to handle their cancer their way. I
hate to see anyone–ANYONE–having to be put in the position of being a
warrior against cancer–least of all me.
And as a fighter, I reserve the right to handle my diagnosis the way I
choose–as all of these women and men have done. Bravo to them and
bravo to
Ford for spotlighting them,
supporting them, clothing them in the gear–all of it. It’s amazing to
watch a business, no matter the na-sayers who claim it’s about
publicity, or tax right offs, or blah blah blah–
listen, when
you’ve got the disease, then come to me with
your complaints. But I bet you won’t complain–you’ll just be grateful,
like I am, that somebody gives a damn about you and your horrific,
mind-blowing, life-changing and maybe life-ending experience.
So here’s what bums me out: not a one of them is without breasts and
showing themselves as such. You know what that says to me? It says
that breasts are
way too important.
I have nothing–NOTHING–against reconstruction, or prosthetics. I’m
just saying that presenting yourself as with breasts, even when you’re
not, is not the only answer.
When I thought about putting fake breasts back into the place where
my real breasts–one of which had cancer and one that didn’t–were, I was
put into the awful position of “what if I have no breasts? What am I
then? Am I still sexy? Am I still a woman?” And after 4 terrible,
stomach churning, put-this-marriage-to-the-test days, my hero-of-a
husband and I decided I would still be amazing without boobs. I would
still be female, still beautiful and (gasp) sexy, despite what breast
cancer wanted to steal from me. And I am proud of that decision–though
not altogether understood by the world around me for making it.
After a few months of living without breasts, and trying prosthetics,
I felt like a phony. I felt like I was misrepresenting me. I had
breast cancer, my breasts had to go–and putting on fake boobs was like a
bad costume party in my mind; and it made me feel bad. So I dumped
them. For 8 years I’ve lived as is–no breasts, no bumps, but plenty of
life.
In a video like this, what would have amazing impact to me is seeing a
woman–or more than one woman—who chose to not have reconstruction and
doesn’t wear fake breasts. I am not saying me. I am just saying someone.
Someone who says, “hey society, guess what? I love myself, as does my
husband, and I have NO BOOBS. How bout that,society?”
I am not saying all people should make my decision; I am saying that
many of us out here do. We make a hard, horrible decision that less is
more, as the saying goes–especially in the face of chemotherapy,
radiation, mastectomy surgery, recovery, and all the pills you have to
take for the next 5 years to keep breast cancer at bay. It’s not always
about reconstruction or fake breasts after breast cancer. It’s about
living.
So next year I hope somebody chooses to submit themselves into the
casting call for this fantastic, formidable, film-worthy video support
in the fight against breast cancer who has no breasts and doesn’t use
prosthetics. There are many of us out there, fighting after their first
battle, after their second round–or in my case, after it’s jumped the
fence and gone into other organs (metastatic)–and we are ALL FIGHTERS.
We are proud, we are pumping iron, we are praying to live through this
devastating illness…
..even those of us with a few less body parts to fight with.
- See more at: http://www.projectpinkdiary.com/2012/05/anns-diary-breast-and-breastless-cancer-heroes/#sthash.FEgOaFnU.dpuf
It’s
not that I deny anyone the right to handle their cancer their way. I
hate to see anyone–ANYONE–having to be put in the position of being a
warrior against cancer–least of all me.
And as a fighter, I reserve the right to handle my diagnosis the way I
choose–as all of these women and men have done. Bravo to them and
bravo to
Ford for spotlighting them,
supporting them, clothing them in the gear–all of it. It’s amazing to
watch a business, no matter the na-sayers who claim it’s about
publicity, or tax right offs, or blah blah blah–
listen, when
you’ve got the disease, then come to me with
your complaints. But I bet you won’t complain–you’ll just be grateful,
like I am, that somebody gives a damn about you and your horrific,
mind-blowing, life-changing and maybe life-ending experience.
So here’s what bums me out: not a one of them is without breasts and
showing themselves as such. You know what that says to me? It says
that breasts are
way too important.
I have nothing–NOTHING–against reconstruction, or prosthetics. I’m
just saying that presenting yourself as with breasts, even when you’re
not, is not the only answer.
When I thought about putting fake breasts back into the place where
my real breasts–one of which had cancer and one that didn’t–were, I was
put into the awful position of “what if I have no breasts? What am I
then? Am I still sexy? Am I still a woman?” And after 4 terrible,
stomach churning, put-this-marriage-to-the-test days, my hero-of-a
husband and I decided I would still be amazing without boobs. I would
still be female, still beautiful and (gasp) sexy, despite what breast
cancer wanted to steal from me. And I am proud of that decision–though
not altogether understood by the world around me for making it.
After a few months of living without breasts, and trying prosthetics,
I felt like a phony. I felt like I was misrepresenting me. I had
breast cancer, my breasts had to go–and putting on fake boobs was like a
bad costume party in my mind; and it made me feel bad. So I dumped
them. For 8 years I’ve lived as is–no breasts, no bumps, but plenty of
life.
In a video like this, what would have amazing impact to me is seeing a
woman–or more than one woman—who chose to not have reconstruction and
doesn’t wear fake breasts. I am not saying me. I am just saying someone.
Someone who says, “hey society, guess what? I love myself, as does my
husband, and I have NO BOOBS. How bout that,society?”
I am not saying all people should make my decision; I am saying that
many of us out here do. We make a hard, horrible decision that less is
more, as the saying goes–especially in the face of chemotherapy,
radiation, mastectomy surgery, recovery, and all the pills you have to
take for the next 5 years to keep breast cancer at bay. It’s not always
about reconstruction or fake breasts after breast cancer. It’s about
living.
So next year I hope somebody chooses to submit themselves into the
casting call for this fantastic, formidable, film-worthy video support
in the fight against breast cancer who has no breasts and doesn’t use
prosthetics. There are many of us out there, fighting after their first
battle, after their second round–or in my case, after it’s jumped the
fence and gone into other organs (metastatic)–and we are ALL FIGHTERS.
We are proud, we are pumping iron, we are praying to live through this
devastating illness…
..even those of us with a few less body parts to fight with.
- See more at: http://www.projectpinkdiary.com/2012/05/anns-diary-breast-and-breastless-cancer-heroes/#sthash.FEgOaFnU.dpuf
It’s
not that I deny anyone the right to handle their cancer their way. I
hate to see anyone–ANYONE–having to be put in the position of being a
warrior against cancer–least of all me.
And as a fighter, I reserve the right to handle my diagnosis the way I
choose–as all of these women and men have done. Bravo to them and
bravo to
Ford for spotlighting them,
supporting them, clothing them in the gear–all of it. It’s amazing to
watch a business, no matter the na-sayers who claim it’s about
publicity, or tax right offs, or blah blah blah–
listen, when
you’ve got the disease, then come to me with
your complaints. But I bet you won’t complain–you’ll just be grateful,
like I am, that somebody gives a damn about you and your horrific,
mind-blowing, life-changing and maybe life-ending experience.
So here’s what bums me out: not a one of them is without breasts and
showing themselves as such. You know what that says to me? It says
that breasts are
way too important.
I have nothing–NOTHING–against reconstruction, or prosthetics. I’m
just saying that presenting yourself as with breasts, even when you’re
not, is not the only answer.
When I thought about putting fake breasts back into the place where
my real breasts–one of which had cancer and one that didn’t–were, I was
put into the awful position of “what if I have no breasts? What am I
then? Am I still sexy? Am I still a woman?” And after 4 terrible,
stomach churning, put-this-marriage-to-the-test days, my hero-of-a
husband and I decided I would still be amazing without boobs. I would
still be female, still beautiful and (gasp) sexy, despite what breast
cancer wanted to steal from me. And I am proud of that decision–though
not altogether understood by the world around me for making it.
After a few months of living without breasts, and trying prosthetics,
I felt like a phony. I felt like I was misrepresenting me. I had
breast cancer, my breasts had to go–and putting on fake boobs was like a
bad costume party in my mind; and it made me feel bad. So I dumped
them. For 8 years I’ve lived as is–no breasts, no bumps, but plenty of
life.
In a video like this, what would have amazing impact to me is seeing a
woman–or more than one woman—who chose to not have reconstruction and
doesn’t wear fake breasts. I am not saying me. I am just saying someone.
Someone who says, “hey society, guess what? I love myself, as does my
husband, and I have NO BOOBS. How bout that,society?”
I am not saying all people should make my decision; I am saying that
many of us out here do. We make a hard, horrible decision that less is
more, as the saying goes–especially in the face of chemotherapy,
radiation, mastectomy surgery, recovery, and all the pills you have to
take for the next 5 years to keep breast cancer at bay. It’s not always
about reconstruction or fake breasts after breast cancer. It’s about
living.
So next year I hope somebody chooses to submit themselves into the
casting call for this fantastic, formidable, film-worthy video support
in the fight against breast cancer who has no breasts and doesn’t use
prosthetics. There are many of us out there, fighting after their first
battle, after their second round–or in my case, after it’s jumped the
fence and gone into other organs (metastatic)–and we are ALL FIGHTERS.
We are proud, we are pumping iron, we are praying to live through this
devastating illness…
..even those of us with a few less body parts to fight with.
- See more at: http://www.projectpinkdiary.com/2012/05/anns-diary-breast-and-breastless-cancer-heroes/#sthash.FEgOaFnU.dpuf
It’s
not that I deny anyone the right to handle their cancer their way. I
hate to see anyone–ANYONE–having to be put in the position of being a
warrior against cancer–least of all me.
And as a fighter, I reserve the right to handle my diagnosis the way I
choose–as all of these women and men have done. Bravo to them and
bravo to
Ford for spotlighting them,
supporting them, clothing them in the gear–all of it. It’s amazing to
watch a business, no matter the na-sayers who claim it’s about
publicity, or tax right offs, or blah blah blah–
listen, when
you’ve got the disease, then come to me with
your complaints. But I bet you won’t complain–you’ll just be grateful,
like I am, that somebody gives a damn about you and your horrific,
mind-blowing, life-changing and maybe life-ending experience.
So here’s what bums me out: not a one of them is without breasts and
showing themselves as such. You know what that says to me? It says
that breasts are
way too important.
I have nothing–NOTHING–against reconstruction, or prosthetics. I’m
just saying that presenting yourself as with breasts, even when you’re
not, is not the only answer.
When I thought about putting fake breasts back into the place where
my real breasts–one of which had cancer and one that didn’t–were, I was
put into the awful position of “what if I have no breasts? What am I
then? Am I still sexy? Am I still a woman?” And after 4 terrible,
stomach churning, put-this-marriage-to-the-test days, my hero-of-a
husband and I decided I would still be amazing without boobs. I would
still be female, still beautiful and (gasp) sexy, despite what breast
cancer wanted to steal from me. And I am proud of that decision–though
not altogether understood by the world around me for making it.
After a few months of living without breasts, and trying prosthetics,
I felt like a phony. I felt like I was misrepresenting me. I had
breast cancer, my breasts had to go–and putting on fake boobs was like a
bad costume party in my mind; and it made me feel bad. So I dumped
them. For 8 years I’ve lived as is–no breasts, no bumps, but plenty of
life.
In a video like this, what would have amazing impact to me is seeing a
woman–or more than one woman—who chose to not have reconstruction and
doesn’t wear fake breasts. I am not saying me. I am just saying someone.
Someone who says, “hey society, guess what? I love myself, as does my
husband, and I have NO BOOBS. How bout that,society?”
I am not saying all people should make my decision; I am saying that
many of us out here do. We make a hard, horrible decision that less is
more, as the saying goes–especially in the face of chemotherapy,
radiation, mastectomy surgery, recovery, and all the pills you have to
take for the next 5 years to keep breast cancer at bay. It’s not always
about reconstruction or fake breasts after breast cancer. It’s about
living.
So next year I hope somebody chooses to submit themselves into the
casting call for this fantastic, formidable, film-worthy video support
in the fight against breast cancer who has no breasts and doesn’t use
prosthetics. There are many of us out there, fighting after their first
battle, after their second round–or in my case, after it’s jumped the
fence and gone into other organs (metastatic)–and we are ALL FIGHTERS.
We are proud, we are pumping iron, we are praying to live through this
devastating illness…
..even those of us with a few less body parts to fight with.
- See more at: http://www.projectpinkdiary.com/2012/05/anns-diary-breast-and-breastless-cancer-heroes/#sthash.FEgOaFnU.dpuf
