It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Growing up in the 60's I enjoyed some wonderful pop music. I thoroughly enjoyed it then and still enjoy it today.  One song, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to," sung by Lesley Gore, portrays a brokenhearted teenaged girl at her birthday party. Her boyfriend,  Johnny, disappears only to surface later in the company of Judy, another girl, who is "wearing his ring." The chorus, "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to... You would cry too if it happened to you," became a part of American pop cultural language as a phrase used to describe being utterly humiliated and miserable during an event that is supposed to be a happy occasion. 

That, my dears, is the story of my life right now. I feel I have the right to my tears and occasional questions and feelings of "why me." Some people, who shall remain nameless, have been critical of my blog posts and haven't "understood where I'm coming from." That was especially the case with yesterday's post. I took a huge risk sharing my own personal struggle with intimacy. It wasn't easy for me to bare my soul like that and truth be told, I probably won't ever share anything like that again. I wanted to do it hoping it would help someone, somewhere out there in the "blogosphere" know that they aren't alone in what they're feeling.

To take verbiage from an old Native American saying, "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins." It might be easy for my readers to become judgmental thinking that as a Christian, I should be stronger in my faith. I should be able to lean completely on God and not question why He's allowed me to travel this Cancer road. Some of you might even think I'm whining and complaining too much...that I should be grateful to be alive...that I should just "suck it up" and move on. Those are easy viewpoints for you to take because, you aren't the one experiencing the entirety of this journey. You are only getting to see/feel/understand what I share with you and even with that, if I don't word things well, you might not get a clear viewpoint. Goodness, even Job had some days of questioning and complaining back in Biblical times,didn't he?

I am trying my best through this blog, to help others get an honest to goodness look at what Cancer has done to my life. It is an interloper...an uninvited guest that I am having to learn to accommodate although I would rather not have to do that. For those of you who know me well, you know that my faith has carried me through every challenge I've ever faced in my entire life. I have been through some deep, deep valleys and I've been on some extremely tall mountain peaks. I've learned through every experience that I have never been alone...that God has always been with me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is with me even now and that He has allowed me to travel this road for some reason.Yes, there are days when I am not as "spiritual" as I should be. I'll admit that. I'll admit that some days I walk in the flesh. On days when the pain is great, I might just whine a little, but I think God understands that. He knows that our bodies are weak. In fact, I think He receives glory and honor when we admit our weaknesses and rely on Him for our strength. So please don't think negatively of me when my weakness is showing.

There are no instructions on how to "do Cancer." In fact, I'm willing to bet that anyone you ask will tell you that they've had to learn to get through it the best way they can. There's a lot of trial and error. Of course, we (the pink sisterhood), often compare notes and try to glean helpful hints and tips from the experiences of others, but every case is vastly different. I'm not going to apologize for baring my soul and sharing my feelings. This is my blog and what I write is cathartic and healing for me. If my words offend someone, they are perfectly free to stop visiting my blog and cease from reading my words. This is my journey. I've just invited you along if you'd like to join me. I'm doing the best I can and taking one day at a time.

Perhaps it would help for those critical readers to put themselves in my place for a day. Perhaps then they would understand how it truly feels to experience the full effects of Cancer. This blog is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. I'm not going to sugar coat anything to make it more palatable for my readers. Cancer is ugly. I do not take pride in being able to say that I have it. One thing that I want you to remember is that even though I have Cancer growing inside my body, it does not define who I am. I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a Gigi. I have real feelings, hopes, and dreams. I love and am loved. I cherish my life. I love God with all my heart and soul. And this is why I refer back to the lyrics of the song, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." Some days I will be crying. Some days I will be sad. More often than not though, I'll be happy and optimistic and full of hope because that's the kind of life a Christ follower lives. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus and His righteousness. So naysayers...move on. Go find another blog to read. I'm flying by the seat of my pants but at least I'm flying...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Behind closed doors

Normally, I would never write about such deeply private things, but today, as I continue to post about the real life of a Breast Cancer survivor's life, I want to share this with you. Please know that this will be coming from the deepest part of my being and I will do my best to choose my words carefully in order to help you truly understand the experience but I won't say more than absolutely necessary. I want to be respectful of my marriage but at the same time, I think it's important for this to be shared.

Last night was the first night since my surgery that my husband and I have been intimate. For days, I'd been dreading this moment. I'd read all the brochures the hospital gave me about intimacy after Breast Cancer and I'd read horribly sad stories on the internet from other survivors and how their mates had responded. I had no idea how the evening would go but I love my husband with all my heart and I would not deny him his rights.

The room was dark with night as he took my hand in his. He told me how very much he loved me and how he always would. Could he have known the trembling fear welling up inside me at that very moment? His tender, passionate kisses calmed my heart as torrents of tears poured forth. I was so ashamed of my body. I was thankful it was dark inside our bedroom and he couldn't see my scars. I don't know why I was so ashamed, I'd done nothing to bear the shame of Cancer, but it had disfigured my body so drastically. Over and over again, he reassured me that I was beautiful. I wanted with all my heart to believe him but I couldn't. If only he could see my pain...but it was dark, so very dark.

After our time of sharing our love with one another, I was relieved. I was relieved that finally this dreaded moment was over. I had wondered what it would be like for days. I had imagined his reaction with trepidation. But my husband amazed me. He chose to look past my scars and into my heart. He reaffirmed his love for me in the most gentle way. What else would I expect? This man whom I've loved for the past 21 years has never ceased to amaze me with his godly attitude and life.

The Song of Solomon is a very beautiful story of love found in the Bible. It is written with poignant, descriptive words that capture the very essence of a godly relationship. Phil is the epitome of a godly husband. He has always treated me with love and respect, with kindness, gentleness, and adoration. I am unworthy of such a love but I am so thankful that God has blessed my life with him.

Satan wanted me to feel ugly and afraid. He wanted me to reject the intimate advances of my husband. But God wanted me to feel beautiful and loved. He wanted me to truly understand "My beloved is mine and I am his!" (Song of Solomon 2:16.) He wanted me to know that even though my physical appearance had been greatly altered that my heart had escaped unscathed. I was still loveable. I was still desirable. I was still beautiful. 

Cancer demeans. Cancer steals joy. Cancer invokes fear and pain, but Cancer cannot rob me of one of the greatest blessings of my life and that is the love of a godly man, my husband. Some of you know my husband and have seen what a kind and tender heart he has, but some of you have never met him. Oh how I wish you could understand that this 6'4" 225 pound man has a heart of solid gold. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. He loves the Lord even more than he loves me and for that, I am truly grateful. 

This was a difficult post to write because of the content. I am a very private person especially in this area of my life! I wanted to share this with you in hopes that it might give you a clearer picture of the various facets of emotions faced by victims of Breast Cancer. Things you do in your daily life might become mundane and routine. Those of us going through the fight of our lives, don't take anything for granted. We are thankful for every single precious moment of every day. 

I hope I worded this post in a respectful way so as not to offend anyone. My intention was not to draw attention to the sexual aspect of marriage but to give you a taste of my reality.  God created man and woman to complete each other as they share a bond of tender, compassionate love. Marriage is sacred and holy in the eyes of God. It is not to be pornographic or perverted. Marriage is to be between one man and one woman and it is God's gift to us as a foreshadowing of His love. 

One of my favorite books of the Bible gives such a beautiful, clear picture of love and what it is to be like in our lives. Please take time to read these verses:

"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth]." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Amplified Bible

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Tell all Tuesday

Every Tuesday, I try to give my readers a true glimpse of what it's like to fight in the war against Breast Cancer. Other days of the week, I try to use my real life experiences along with my faith in God to minister to others. Some of my readers may not want to read about the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you'd rather just enjoy the blog posts that uplift and encourage, today's not the day for you to read.

I want to give my readers a very clear picture of the challenges I face on a daily basis, but also want to make you aware that without God, I would not be able to face a single day. So let's begin.

Challenges I face on a daily basis:

• Getting dressed - if my husband isn't here to help me, I am only able to put on very loose button front shirts. My arms still aren't functioning at 100%. Since the lymph node removals in each arm, the skin and muscle are so tight and my range of motion is limited. I'm supposed to exercise daily to improve this and although it has loosened up some, I still can't bend my arms back enough to put on a shirt on my own. 
• Making the bed - In order to make the bed, I have to first remove the mountain of pillows that Hubby has carefully stacked up for me to sleep on. I throw them on the floor, one at a time, so I can pull the sheet up on my side of the bed. Then I walk around to the other side of the bed and pull that side of the sheet up. I continue with first one side and then the other until I can get the comforter on. Not being able to reach very far with my arms makes this challenging. It takes much more time to make the bed now than before. 
• Sleeping - Not only am I having difficulty getting to sleep but also with staying asleep. Part of this is due to being uncomfortable from my healing incisions and part of it is probably due to age and a lack of natural melatonin in my body. Hubby has been sweet enough to make me a wedge of pillows that will elevate my head and chest, then alongside of this, he makes 2 stacks of 2 pillows each for each arm to rest on. It's like a pillow recliner in the bed! Thank goodness we have a king sized bed or hubby would not have enough room to share the bed with me!
• Cooking - Since I'm still unable to lift more than a few pounds, cooking is a challenge. I can't even get a gallon of milk out of the fridge or the tea either. It's frustrating not being able to do what I want to do. 
• Driving - I'm not able to drive anywhere yet, nor would I want to right now. I'm sure just sitting behind the wheel and trying to turn the steering wheel would present a huge challenge. I've been staying in the house for the past 2 weeks. I'm starting to get cabin fever!
• Wound care - I'm supposed to rub oil on my incisions daily to help them soften and heal. I can only reach about half the length of the incisions because they start at the middle of my chest and go around and under my armpits and partially up my back. Hubby gets the icky job of smearing  lavender infused Emu oil on my incisions daily. I'm thankful he's willing to help!
• Showering - I can barely raise my arms up to wash my hair. Thankfully, we have a handheld removable shower head but, I can't even reach up to take it off the hook! Usually I get hubby to take it down for me before I shower. On days I forget to have him do that, I just do the best I can. 
• Reading - My hands and arms go numb a lot since surgery and that makes it difficult to hold and read a book. I love to read so I've remedied this by having audio books play on my computer. 
• Late day pain and soreness - By the end of the day, I have to take a pain pill. I don't like doing that but when the pain gets more than I can handle, I take one. I'm usually good from the time I get up ( usually between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m.) until 6:00 p.m. but after that, I really start hurting. 
• Housework - I haven't been able to do much during the day other than walking around the house trying to do what I can in the way of housework. Since I can't vacuum yet, either my husband or one of my daughters does it for me. I can unload and reload the dishwasher. I can do laundry but it's a challenge. I have to carry small loads to the machine and drop them in until I have a full machine. When they're done and it's time to take them out, I can't reach down into the drum of the machine (it's a top loader) to get the clothes out and put in the dryer so I have to either use a step stool or my grabber tool. I usually opt for the grabber tool because it is a little easier and I don't have to be afraid of falling off the step stool. When I use the grabber, I have to make many grabs to get all the clothes out and into the dryer. What normally would take me about 5 minutes, takes about 15! Don't take doing your laundry for granted!!

Blessings:

• Cards and letters - Though they have drastically slowed in the past few days, I still receive one or two cards or letters a day. I'm so thankful for friends who want to encourage me. 
• Visits - I've had a few family members stop by to see me. They always bring a smile to my face. Two new friends came by this week and brought not only meals, but items to help me through my cancer journey. What a joy it was to get to know them and spend time visiting with them. At the end of their visit, they took time to pray with me. Did you know not one single person has even offered to pray with my since my surgery? I was dumbfounded over that fact since most of my friends are devout Christians. 
• Packages - I've received a couple of unexpected gifts in the mail this week. I received a Brave Girl Box, a box made up specifically for breast cancer survivors, filled with necessities and treats for my upcoming treatments. I also received a package of essential oils from one of my daughters. The oils will be great for helping relieve muscles aches, mixing with my Emu oil for the incisions etc. 
• Wildlife - I know that's a strange blessing to include, but I love nature. God has allowed me to watch many hummingbirds this week as well as a pair of warblers, a pileated woodpecker, two deer, and some glorious sunsets. I savor the simple things in life now.

I spend my days writing letters or cards, calling or texting family members, blogging, or surfing the internet. For someone who's always been active and busy, I feel like I'm wasting tons of valuable time. Friends keep reminding me that I have to take it easy and give my body time to heal. While I know that's true, I'm very impatient and want to be able to do all the things I did before surgery. I'd love to be outside cutting the grass or in the mountains hiking. One of the things I miss most of all is being able to take photographs with my DSLR. My arms aren't quite strong enough to hold the camera just yet so I use my cellphone instead.

It could be very challenging to be alone in the house all day long if I didn't have a positive outlook and keep myself busy. I will say I have much more time now to read my Bible than ever before. The house is so very quiet it allows me to really absorb Scripture in ways I've never been able to do because of day to day distractions. I guess you could compare it to being cloistered in a monastery! I am thankful for the quiet and peace during the day but I am so thankful when my husband comes in from work and I finally have someone to talk with. I've made many new internet friends too, through Breast Cancer support groups. It's very helpful to talk with ladies who share the same experiences and I am overwhelmed by the number of us who are on this journey.

Next week will be a turning point for me as I meet with the Oncologist on August 7. I've tried not to focus on that visit but it looms over me like an ominous cloud. When I go, the Oncologist will reveal the results of my Oncotype DX test. My treatment hinges on what number I receive (between 0 - 100). I'm praying I get a low number (under 10). A low number will mean that I won't benefit from chemotherapy. A higher number will indicate a higher probability of my cancer recurring somewhere else in my body and therefore require chemotherapy to give me the best odds at living. I really don't want to go through chemotherapy. Did you hear the desperation in that statement? I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY! I've seen what it does to people. I can't even fathom all that poison flowing through my body killing not only the cancer cells but also the good, healthy cells. I'm praying for a miracle.

I don't spend every second of every day thinking about cancer. I know it must seem that way because that's basically all I've been blogging about and talking about since my diagnosis. I don't want to be defined by cancer and realize that often, without knowing it, I say "I have cancer." I don't really have it. It has me. I never invited it into my life. It has changed me in more ways than one. I never expected it.

I've tried not to share the gory details with you of my appearance. Each time I look in the mirror it's hard. It's a little too much to bear, but I'm sure you can use your imagination. I will tell you the surgeon went all the way down to my chest wall when removing tissue so I have two huge valleys where my breasts used to be. The incisions, while hideous to look at, remind me that I am still alive. I pray that none of you ever have to go through the agony of hearing "you have cancer" but if you do, please remember that life is worth fighting for and we are capable of doing much more than we ever imagined we could!

Yes, each day since my surgery has been difficult but things are getting better. I consider myself blessed to just be alive. Even with all the challenges in my day, they are nothing compared to what many others suffer. Hopefully, after you've read this post, you'll see that even though I struggle with some things, I choose not to let them get me down. I push through them. I am determined to make it. There are so many things for which I am thankful and I know this won't last forever.

God has been so good to me! He allowed me to come through surgery without complications. I was able to come home after one night in the hospital. I have been able to recuperate in a nice, safe, quiet environment. He's provided for us to be able to pay all of our medical bills to date. Each morning, when I open my eyes, I am grateful that I get to live to see another sunrise. Yes, having cancer sucks but there's so much more to my life than that. I am a fighter. I'm more than a conqueror, according to the Bible! My goal is to fight this fight and come through it with flying colors. I know I will be a different person when I come out on the other side of this, but hopefully I will be a much better person. There's a quote I'll use here "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." If I have anything to do with it, Cancer is not going to kill me but ultimately that decision is not mine...it's up to God. All I can do it take one moment at a time, one day at at time, and live my life to the fullest...and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

**If you read my blog, would you take just a minute to post a short comment below as to how my blog has impacted your life? (There's a comment button you can click) Also, if you'd like, let me know what you'd like to see me blog about in a future post. Thank you in advance and God bless you!

^"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

God sends angels in plain clothes

Yesterday, I had the most amazing day! Two women I'd never met took time out of their busy day to come and visit me. One of the ladies knew my husband when he was in high school, so it was fun to watch them reconnect after almost 40 years. The other lady was a fellow Breast Cancer survivor and she'd come to give me helpful tips and advice from her journey. I felt so honored to have them want to come and see me. Their visit reminded me of the importance of doing what you feel lead to do and just following through whenever God lays something on your heart.

Back in 1988, Nike came up with a great ad campaign with the catchy slogan, "just do it." I couldn't help but think of that slogan after my visitors had left. One of the women in particular impressed me. She was a wife, a mother, a grandmother. She ran her own business out of her home while taking care of not only one of her grandchildren, but also her mother who had been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When God prompted her heart to come and minister to me, what did she do? You guessed it, she dropped everything and just did it! She had been obedient to God. The other woman, nearing her 70's, did the same thing. Before coming to see me yesterday, she'd gone to church, gone to a memorial service, and then, instead of going home to rest, she came to share Christ's love.

Have you ever heard the term "angels unawares?" It comes from a verse in the book of Hebrews from the Bible. This is what it says, "Don't neglect to show hospitality, for by doing this some have welcomed angels as guests without knowing it." (Hebrews 13:2) My guests were so kind and loving. They were so giving and generous. They had put my needs above their own. I honestly feel like God sent me some angels in plain clothes yesterday! I'm always amazed at how God knows exactly what I need and when I need it! His timing is always perfect! Just knowing that He had planned eons ago for this very day to build my faith during a difficult time touched my heart with gladness! 

What would have happened had these two ladies not been obedient to God? What if the one with the sick mother had decided it was too much for her to stop her routine during the middle of the day to go visit a total stranger? What if the elder of the two had wanted to go home after a busy Sunday afternoon and take a nap? They would have been robbed of a blessing! God intended to use their willing hearts to teach them the importance of obedience. He had prompted them to "just do it" and they had obeyed. Had they not listened to His call, I would have never made two new friends and I would never have received the blessing of their love. 

God uses gentle, soft whisperings to our hearts to speak to us. He impresses upon us the need to do something when it works according to His plan, but what we do with it, that's up to us! Have you ever felt a gentle tugging at your heart prompting you to do or say something that you know could only be from God's throne room? If you have, were you obedient? It is in giving that we receive the greatest of blessings! The Bible says it best in this verse: "In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35

I am so thankful for my angels in plain clothes! No they didn't shimmer with gold nor have beautiful gossamer wings that I could see with my earthly eyes, but they were clothed in righteousness and for that, God receives the glory!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

High places

As a child, I remember watching the Disney movie, Bambi, over and over again. It was filled with emotional scenes that touched my heart. One of the scenes, near the end of the movie, was especially nerve wracking. Bambi is searching for his girlfriend, Faline. When he finds her, she's been chased up a rocky mountain face by a pack of hunting dogs. Bambi fights off the dogs to help her escape and nimbly gets away himself as he sprints higher up the mountain. Throughout the movie, Bambi has faced first one challenge and then another, but he is steadfast and fights to the end.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is found in the book of Habakkuk. This is what it says: "The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" When I read it for the first time, I wondered what hinds' feet were because I'd never heard that terminology used before. As I researched that term, I was directed to mountain goats. 

Goats were also called hinds in Biblical times. Their feet were swift and sure enabling them to climb upon rocky crags without effort. Mountain goat hooves are specially designed for climbing in steep, rock, and slippery terrain. A close-up look reveals a hard keratinous sheath and a soft embedded pad that enable them to gain purchase on the smallest of granite cracks while simultaneously gripping maximum surface area. 

 Have you ever seen a mountain goat? I have! I was able to see them for the first time several years ago while in Alaska on a mission trip. We took one day of rest and relaxation and drove to Denali National Park for a sightseeing tour. Our team boarded the bus and were amazed within just a few minutes at the variety of wildlife we came upon. The driver of the bus was kind enough to stop periodically for us to "oooh" and "aahhh" over species we'd never seen up close. With camera in hand, I was eager to capture Grizzly Bears, Moose, and other Alaskan wildlife. The scenery was break taking and certainly was one of the highlights of my life. We journeyed deeper into the park and as we rounded the next bend, I could see several white dots upon the mountainside. The bus driver called our attention to the herd of mountain goat ahead of us. He remarked that they were usually found high atop mountain peaks. Quickly I got my camera ready and steadied for a great shot. After taking my photograph, I pulled away from my camera to enjoy watching the goats as they climbed. The mountainside was littered with boulders and rocks of all sizes. I wondered how the goats managed to climb so quickly and so effortlessly over them. Then I was reminded of Habakkuk 3:19 again.

God brought that verse to mind again today. He reminded me the mountain ahead of me, my journey through Cancer, is filled with rocks and boulders. These obstacles however aren't visible like the ones the goats traverse. I have rocks of worry, boulders of fear, despair, hopelessness, and the unknown to conquer.  The mountain goats I saw did not stay near the base of the mountain. They kept climbing higher and higher. Today as I read Habakkuk 3:19 again, God spoke to my heart and said, "I want to take you to the high places. I don't want you to stay where you are in your faith. I want you to go higher."  

In the Bible verse, there are some things that stand out to me. First of all, it says the Lord is my strength, my personal bravery, my invincible army. Those words tell me that when I am afraid and I can't go one step more, God will carry me. He will make sure I get through it! He will strengthen my spirit and give me courage. He will help me be brave! He will be beside me, in front of me, behind me, over me, and under me fighting battles that I am too weak to fight. Secondly, He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]. That means He will make my feet steady and sure. He doesn't want me to stand still and be frozen with fear! He wants me to keep moving! He wants me to valiantly move through the high places of trouble and suffering. He wants me to learn something. He wants to take me higher!

God wants me to know more about His glory and His power. In order to go to the high places, I have to be willing to climb ever upward. In order for my feet not to slip, I need to fix my eyes on Christ trusting that He will lead me over the boulders of hurt and pain. He will make my feet swift and sure. Just like Bambi, sprinting up the mountainside, in an effort to save his beloved Faline, I have a mission ahead of me.

It's becoming more and more clear as I continue to read God's Word and allow Him to speak to my spirit. He wants to show me more of Himself. He's wooing me into the high places. I feel honored that He's chosen me for this journey! What lies ahead? I haven't a clue, but I'm looking forward to finding out. My God is my personal bravery, Habakkuk says, and just knowing that gives me courage to place one foot in front of the other.

I know you've been able to see a change of heart as you've been reading my blog. At first, I was filled with fear and dread on my journey. Now I'm eagerly anticipating going to the high places with Christ. You may think, how can she take this stance? I'll gladly tell you. My faith. My faith and the prayers of others is the only way I can go higher and higher up the mountainside of Cancer. I could never do it alone. I am too weak and too frightened to face this challenge by myself. But, there's something more for me to discover and God has made it perfectly clear to me that He has a divine purpose for my suffering. He has a plan to reveal more of Himself to me in the days ahead. That, to me, is very encouraging and exciting! Just knowing that He has chosen ME makes all the difference. You may think I'm naive...that I have no clue what I'm talking about. Sure, I haven't met with the oncologist yet. I haven't been given the results of the Oncotype DX test yet...the one that will give me a percentage of recurrence probability for the future. But I can choose to be negative and focus on the fact that Cancer is usually a death sentence (either sooner or later) or I can choose to focus on the positive fact that my God is a loving and kind God. He is able to completely heal me if He so chooses. And even if He doesn't, even if I go through years and years of suffering and pain, He will be sufficient. Afterall, He is all I have ever needed! My feet are swift and sure because He has enabled me to go on. My eyes are fixed and I'm looking up! How about you? Where's your focus? Do you want to remain stagnant or do you want to go higher? Let Him take you on your own personal journey of growth into the high places. There's much to be learned and I'm ready to start.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Pain and suffering

We all experience pain or suffering at some point in our lives. When we do, the most natural thing is to immediately focus inwardly. Instead of asking God why we are going through this challenge, our first response is usually "why me"?

I was doing just fine! I had retired from working three years ago and was spending my time doing all the things I wanted to do. If I wanted to sleep in, I did. If I wanted to spend my days crafting, I did. I was healthy, and happy and strong. My husband and I were finally alone in the house. The kids were all grown and gone. Life was good! Whenever we wanted to take a trip, we did. We were unencumbered.When things are going well in your life, it's easy to forget to thank God for your many blessings, isn't it? I know there were days when we took our blessings for granted. But when sickness comes or things aren't going so well, that's when we call on Jesus.

I never dreamed I'd be diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Even when I received the diagnosis, I wasn't feeling ill. Sure, I'd been a little more tired than usual lately, but I chalked that up to being in my mid fifties. Didn't most people start to slow down a little by that age? The first thing I did after I'd processed the diagnosis was to go before the Lord. Of course, I asked Him "why me"? That is when I felt Him speak to my spirit and say, "why not you"? Okay, Lord...what are you trying to tell me here???

Did God want me to understand that often times He allows us to go through a season of pain or suffering to draw us closer to Himself? When we're healthy, it's so easy to forget Him and become preoccupied with the present. When we are sick, it allows us time to focus on what's really important. I'd been through many bouts with sickness, illness, and injury in the past. Every time I walked through a season of trial, God taught me something more about His character. Yes, Lord...you have my attention. What are you going to teach me this time?

When I finally chose to look at my cancer as a teaching tool, I fixed my eyes on Christ. Every day since my diagnosis, I've found myself looking at things a little differently. Instead of taking it for granted that I'm going to wake up in the morning, I am truly thankful when I do wake up. I find myself marveling at the little things and thanking God incessantly. I can sit for hours watching a hummingbird. I long to savor every second of the sunset. Life is so much more precious now.

The Bible tells us that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:17 This verse tells me that God indeed does have a reason for our pain and suffering. But how do we learn pain's lessons? The first thing we need to do is to go to God for answers. We have to understand that He is sovereign over every aspect of our lives and if He chooses to allow pain to enter in; He has ordained it for His purposes.

No one wants to suffer or be in pain! Pain reminds us just how very fragile we really are in this life. Some of us have a high tolerance to pain and don't really begin to complain until the pain becomes unbearable.The Bible tell us that in this world, we WILL have trouble. So if we know we will at some point face trials and tribulations, suffering and pain, why are we so surprised when it comes to visit us?

Americans don't want to be uncomfortable. When you have a headache, do you immediately take an aspirin or another type of pain reliever? Even that small amount of discomfort can disrupt your day can't it? When you have an upset stomach, don't you want to find some Alka Seltzer or Pepto Bismol? You don't want to deal with the discomfort of an aching belly. We are spoiled! We love our comfort!

When suffering comes, don't be surprised! Nothing happens to you unless it passes through God's fingers first! Either He allows it or He sends it to accomplish His divine purpose. God uses suffering and pain to bring us to a point of brokenness. When we can't fix it or make it better, we realize that God is the only one who can. He has a purpose for our pain. The purpose is often to teach us a valuable lesson, but God also uses suffering to show us His great love and mercy. God is the God of all comfort. He doesn't want us to go through pain or suffering without understanding that He is right there with us. He has promised in His Word to "never leave us nor forsake us".

God has been teaching me that He has allowed my Cancer for a reason. He has been my comfort through it and will continue to minister to me all along my journey. When my journey is complete, He is going to expect me to comfort others with the same comfort He has given me, and in so doing, He will receive all the glory and the praise.

There is indeed a plan behind God allowing trials and tribulations into our lives. He has a purpose for our pain. Instead of turning inward and wondering "why me", can you fathom the fact that perhaps God has specifically chosen you for this pain? When you look at it from that perspective, you can see things so much more clearly.

I'm not happy I have Cancer. I don't want to go through all the pain and suffering associated with chemotherapy, radiation, and other various forms of treatment. But I have asked God to give me the ability to comprehend His great love for me. I know that as I depend fully upon Him, He will take good care of me. He will only allow me to suffer as much as He feels I need to suffer. He will be my strength when I am weak. He will comfort me when I'm hurting, scared, or feeling afraid. He will teach me valuable lessons that only Cancer can teach me. And when my journey with this course of suffering is over, He will receive great glory. Find me faithful, Lord! I long to be obedient to You. I am your student and I'm ready for the next phase of this lesson...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." John 16:33


"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement),

⁴ Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God. For just as Christ’s [^[a]own] sufferings fall to our lot ^[b][as they overflow upon His disciples, and we share and experience them] abundantly, so through Christ comfort (consolation and encouragement) is also [shared and experienced] abundantly by us."

 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

4 Simple words

How many times have you said these four simple words, "I'm praying for you?" When you said them, did you really mean them? Did you remember to stop and take time to pray for the person? Did you do it in the very moment, or did you make a mental note to remember them in your bedtime prayers or at the dinner table? Those four words are powerful! If you say them, please mean them!


I have heard the words "I'm praying for you" more times since my diagnosis of Breast Cancer than ever before. Most of the time, the words are spoken by family or close friends but today, I heard those words from a complete stranger and they melted my heart.

The body shop called to tell me our car was ready for pickup. Last week, a big, black lab ran out in front of my husband on his way home from work. There was nothing he could do because of oncoming traffic. Of course, it killed the dog, upset my husband greatly, and damaged our car. The lady from the body shop was probably just a receptionist but that doesn't matter because she represented Christ. As I explained to her our need to have someone from the body shop follow my husband home with car since I was currently unable to drive; I could hear hesitancy in her voice. I continued to explain that I'd just recently been diagnosed with cancer and had just had my breasts removed. A quiet hush fell over the phone and then she assured me that they would work out the details and for me not to worry. I could hear in her voice that she had compassion and I asked if she lived around here. She didn't, but lived in a town close by. I asked if she knew of a good church in this area because we were looking for one, and she said she certainly did. As she gave me the name of the church she attends, she took time to give me service times and information on home groups too. I thanked her and as we ended the conversation, she said, in a very sweet tone, "Mrs. Annis, I'm praying for you."

A complete stranger. Someone I probably will never have the pleasure of meeting, wanted me to know that she would be praying for me. Most people would dismiss those four little words, but I didn't. I take the power of prayer very seriously. I am honored whenever someone tells me they are praying for me. To me, there's no higher honor than to take the needs of others before the throne.

The next time you hear a prayer need and before you respond, don't say "I'll pray for you" unless you really mean it. God holds us accountable for our actions, both good and bad. You'll never know how desperately someone might just need to be reassured that God really loves them and cares about them. I'm thankful that I was that person today and that the person on the other end of the phone was putting her faith in action. "I'm praying for you" isn't hard to say but don't say it flippantly...when you say it, go to the Lord in prayer and lift up the person in need. If you don't know what the specific need might be, don't worry! God knows what the need is and He will meet it in His own special way and time. You may not need to hear those words as often as I do, but they sure mean a lot more to me when I know action follows the sentiment!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Insomnia makes a sorry bedfellow

Insomnia, or trouble sleeping, is a common problem for many people, but for patients with cancer, insomnia seems to be a lesser symptom among the many attributed to the disease.  Insomnia can present as difficulty falling asleep, multiple awakenings during the night, or early morning awakenings with the inability to get back to sleep. The potential causes of insomnia are many. A personal or family history of insomnia, the presence of a depression or an anxiety disorder, advanced age, and female gender all put a patient at higher risk of developing insomnia. Factors that may contribute to the development of insomnia include: certain medications, hospitalization, chemo, radiation, or hormonal therapy, pain, hot flashes, nausea and vomiting.

Oh how I long for a good night's sleep! Since having surgery, I've tried just about everything I know and nothing seems to be working. My chest is so raw and tender I can barely stand for anything to touch it. The 14 inch long incisions travel out from the middle of my chest on each side to just past my armpits on my back. My sweet husband has tried to form a wedge shaped pillow mountain hoping I would be able to lie comfortably on it and sleep well throughout the night, but even his most valiant efforts haven't done the trick. Melatonin, Sleeptime tea, Benadryl, ZZZquil, even a glass of wine...nothing allows me to sleep throughout the night. I am soooo tired, and when you're physically tired your mind doesn't function well either.

I'm a side sleeper and always have been. I love curling up on my right side, tucking my arm underneath my pillows and slipping into dreamland. Since my surgery, I physically can't sleep on my side any longer because of the pain involved with my incisions. If I stretch or move in the wrong way, I'm reminded the surgeon recently penetrated not only my skin but multiple layers of tissue and muscle underneath. 

Sleep is designed to help your body rest, recover and repair. A lack of sleep has been proven to be detrimental to your health, in fact, it can even promote tumor growth in cancer patients. So what's a woman to do? Should I try to take a nap sometime today in my recliner? Should I stay awake as long as I can and go to bed earlier tonight? I don't know but I am hoping this cycle of sleeplessness will soon be over. Tonight I'm going to claim Psalm 4:8 " In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust." (Amplified Bible)

Would you say a little prayer that I can sleep soundly too, please? Thank you in advance...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

My own social experiment

If you read my post yesterday, you know I had issues with the fake boobs that came with my post surgical camisole. Instead of wearing them, I chose not to and found out some things about myself that I had not realized.

I've always enjoyed watching television shows that use social experiments to gauge people's reactions to various situations. There are many out there, "What would you do?," "Survivor," "Married at First Sight," etc. When I was in high school, I loved studying psychology and understanding how the mind works. There have been many studies done on reality TV, Facebook, and Twitter with regard to why we enjoy sharing so much detail about our own personal lives. Yesterday, I conducted my own personal social experiment although I did not realize that is what I was doing at the time.

After my visit to the doctor's office for a post surgical check up, my daughter, Laura, and I decided to do a little shopping. We drove into town, got out of the car, and proceeded to go into a new women's boutique on the square. I was fine as we entered and began looking around at the clothing. Within just a few minutes, however, I realized there were other women in the shop and whether self consciously or subconsciously, found myself moving my arms into position to hide my very flat chest.

While we were looking at the racks of clothes, I was fine because I was able to turn my body so my chest was hidden by the clothing. I found myself not caring about my physical appearance when no one was close by, but when they came into our section, I would either turn my back to them, or try to shield my chest from their view. At the register, when I was about to pay for my selection of clothing, I realized again, that I was trying to camouflage my chest. I had leaned slightly forward to allow my large shirt to swing forward creating an illusion of breast fullness. Why was I doing this?

As I've processed the events from yesterday, I realized that although I said I didn't really care that I was flat chested, apparently I do. Perhaps I'm still dealing with the shock of breast cancer and what it's done to me. Perhaps I felt socially unacceptable while in a women's clothing store surrounded by voluptuous women. I do know I was very self aware and felt I was "less than" any of the other shoppers.

Today Laura and I are returning to that same little women's boutique. We found some great deals yesterday and plan to take advantage of those again today. This morning, as I showered and got ready for our shopping excursion, I pulled out my post surgical camisole. This time, however, I inserted the poly filled breast forms. I pulled it up and turned to look at myself sideways in the mirror. There were now nice, plump breasts where yesterday's flatness had been. This is the first time I've had a bust line in two weeks. I wonder how I'll react as we go shopping today. Will I constantly check to see that the fake boobs are aligned and in place or will I barely notice them at all? Will anyone stare at my chest thinking "boy, she is well endowed"? My own little social experiment will probably reveal even more about me that I haven't realized. I'm curious as to what I might find. 

It was interesting to read about various social experiments and the reactions of others. It's very different to be your own social experiment! It amazes me how vain I really am and how important it is for me to want to fit in and be like others around me. When did the social conditioning begin? Why does it matter so much? There are so many unanswered questions, but no one can really tell you how to "do" cancer. You just have to muddle through and make the best of a bad situation...and that's exactly what I'm doing as I take one day at a time, one situation at a time. I am my own social experiment.

Falsies

When I first had my breast surgery, I was afraid to look in the mirror. I didn't even want to see what I looked like when the breast surgeon changed my bandages a week after surgery, but I made myself look a few days later when I got my first after surgery shower. I cried, but then I realized at least I was alive. What great difference would having "boobs" make in my life anyway?

Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I smoothed down my shirt and smiled. Most women in their mid 50s worry about their top half sagging, but not me. Though I've never been well endowed, my once size C breasts had been transformed into flat nothingness. I feel lighter and less encumbered. The scale even reveals I've lost weight since my surgery...I wonder how much each of them weighed???

Today, I'm going back to see the doctor because I have some unnatural swelling. She warned me that I could develop a seroma (a fluid filled sack of lymphatic fluid) after my surgery. My daughter is coming to take me since I can't drive yet, and I thought just maybe, I would insert the polyfilled breast forms into my camisole so I would look a little better.

I took the tan, fabric colored poly filled breasts forms and held them in my hands. These were loaners from a new friend of mine. She was kind enough to lend me a post surgical camisole complete with fake boobs ("foobs" in the breast cancer world). Since surgery, I haven't been able to stand anything touching my chest. The incisions are so tender and raw but the camisole she lent me has helped protect my chest from undue friction and pain. These "foobs" must be a size DD! They seemed huge to me! I inserted the breast forms into the camisole. It has special pockets sewn right into the top especially for holding the "foobs" in place. After inserting them, I slowly repositioned the camisole over my chest. The poly filled forms weren't too heavy, in fact, you could barely feel them.


I looked at my profile in the mirror. The only difference between Barbie (made by Mattel) and me was the scarring. But that didn't bother me because it signified everything I'd been through. These breast forms were massive though and just didn't look natural to me. These would never do. I removed the breast forms and went back to my flattened state. Yes, much better. Why had I been so concerned about my appearance? Why had I worried about what others might think? When did our society become so obsessed with bosoms? Why do women feel the need to present their femininity by showing their chests? The more I thought about those questions, the more I realized I was happy not to have to worry about my breasts any more.

Breasts were made to be functional...to feed babies. God gave women breasts to meet the needs of her children but our society has become breast obsessed. Commercials focus on women's chests as they zoom in while advertising their newest product. It's all about sex appeal and a woman's breasts represent their sexiness. Magazines enhance their model's assets by Photoshopping in the correct amount of cleavage. Women's fashions cater to baring cleavage. Young girls long for their breasts to develop and often stuff their bras with tissue to simulate bigger breasts. We are a nation of obsessed breast people! There's even a restaurant/bar named after them....HOOTERS.

Just look at the actresses who've made their breasts their best asset. And if they weren't naturally endowed, they went to the plastic surgeon, put in their order and came out with a picture perfect perky pair. Some of those actresses went way overboard with their "foob" selections. Pamela Sue Anderson went for the jumbo size breast implants and then later decided to have them reduced to a more comfortable, convenient size. Breast implants, whether silicone or saline need to be replaced about every 10 years according to plastic surgeons. The implants can leak or harden causing unwanted physical appearance.

What was I thinking?! I don't need these poly filled fake boobs to make me feel like a woman today. I'll go to the doctor without anything filling my shirt but my big heart. If people I meet feel uncomfortable because I don't have mini mountains in front of my chest, so be it. If they stare at me, oh well. If I have the opportunity to tell them my story; I'll seize the moment and make sure they know how devastating having Breast Cancer really is to a woman.

No matter how large or small a woman's breast are, they shouldn't be the representation of their femininity. A woman's beauty comes from her heart. In the Bible, Proverbs 31 describes the perfect picture of a godly woman. She is filled with compassion and love. She works hard to provide for her family. She is reverent and fears God. She isn't focused on her outward appearance so why are we? Big boobs don't make me a better person. They don't make me more feminine. Who wants someone ogling their chest anyway? I'll take being flat chested any day. Move over Twiggy, perhaps we'll set a new trend!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Tell All Tuesday...

It's been almost 2 weeks since I had my double mastectomies performed and some of my lymph nodes removed. It's been a rough road, I'll admit. The first few days after surgery were really difficult. I was in a lot of pain and if it weren't for the pain pills, I don't know if I would have been able to get through it. I felt like I had a tight band wound around my chest and the drainage tubes were pulling and tugging constantly. Any movement with my arms was challenging. I've been walking around the house looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! You don't realize how much you count on your chest muscles until you can't use them. I've had to learn to rely on my leg muscles a lot! Sometimes, I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex...you know, the dinosaur with little tiny arms and big muscular legs? But I have made a little progress.

This week, I've worked hard to move my arms as much as possible. Since the muscles, tissues, and nerves were cut, it's really hard to do. At least now, I can raise my arms up just enough to wash my hair. I am unable to raise my hands above my head though and I can't lift anything over a pound or two. Trying to pick anything up off of the floor is next to impossible. I'm thankful I have one of those grabber tools because it's really come in handy! I can use it to take one or two pieces of clothing out of the washer and put them into the dryer until the entire load is ready to dry. Then, I use it again to remove the clothing, a few pieces at a time, from the dryer. Determination is the key!

I do my best to cook nutritious meals but they have definitely been lacking. I'm having to sacrifice quality for convenience. Phil is used to me calling him to come help me reach something from a high shelf or remove something from the oven. It would be so nice to have friends or family nearby who could bring a meal or two now and then, but we'll make do!

The housework I do is minimal. The doctor told me I can't do any pushing or pulling, so that means no vacuuming. Sweeping, dusting, and cleaning bathrooms is about all I can manage; but even with those, I have to sit down and rest in the middle of doing anything.This is very unlike me and has taken me a while to accept. My doctor reminds me constantly that I've been through major surgery and it's going to take my body time to heal.

I haven't been out of the house other than to walk down to the mailbox yesterday. That walk just about did me in! If you've seen my driveway, you'd understand why. I try to walk inside the house every day. They don't tell you that after you've had major surgery, your insides decide to slow down and need help remembering what to do. Without going into detail, let me just emphasize the importance of adding fiber to your diet after this type of surgery.

I love to be on the computer, but it's been a challenge in and of itself. My arms go numb as I type so I've had to use a program called Dragon Dramatically Speaking to assist me in keeping my blog up to date and in daily correspondence. I'm thankful programs like this exist for the physically challenged.

Physical hygiene has been another challenge. I can barely manage a shower by myself and Phil has to help me dry off and get dressed afterwards. I'm so thankful he's willing to help me! I don't know what people who live alone do in situations like this.

I haven't been able to sleep well since surgery. I'm a side sleeper and there's no way I can sleep on my side now. I'm having to learn to sleep on my back with massive amounts of pillows to prop me up. I have to keep my arms elevated above my heart so I won't get Lymphedema.

Even with all these daily physical challenges, I look for things for which to be thankful! I know my challenges are temporary. There are so many people who can't say that. It's so easy for us to take things for granted until we can't do them.

Small goals get me through the day. This week, one of my goals was not having to take any pain medication all day long. The first few days, I made it until around 6pm at night before having to give in. I'm hoping today, I won't have to take any. I was told that the pain medication is not only to relieve my pain but will also allow my body to heal faster. I'm hoping to be able to hold a book in a few days without my arms hurting and my fingers going numb. By month's end, I'm hoping my arms will be strong enough to hold my camera again. I have missed taking photographs.

On August 7, I will meet with the Oncologist to discuss my treatment plan and then on the 13th, I'll meet with the Radiologist. So many tests, so much ahead of me...but I press on.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

His eye is on the sparrow, Part 2

If you haven't already read "His eye is on the sparrow," my earlier post for today, please read it first before continuing on with reading this post. It's important to me that you get a very clear picture of what God is doing in my life and how He is providing each step of the way.

(continued from my earlier post today) That little lone egg in the nest had been abandoned because something was wrong with it. Either it hadn't been fertilized or it was damaged in some way. As I looked at that little egg, I thought of myself. I was damaged now. I had Cancer. But there was something different about that little egg and I. His parents had flown away and left him all alone to rot and decompose. Although my body was now scarred from surgeries to remove both of my breasts and my lymph nodes; Cancer was still running rampant in my body. My Heavenly Father had not chosen to leave me alone. My journey was just beginning. He was going to teach me to fly!

Evidence of that fact came today, when I received a telephone call from the Genomic Health project. My breast surgeon had given me advance notice that they would be calling because she had ordered a test to be performed on my recent tissue samples. The test, called an Oncotype DX, is performed on patients with invasive breast cancer to help predict chemotherapy benefits and the likelihood of distant breast cancer recurrence.This test is not covered by all insurance companies. The test costs $4500.00. As the screener for the test asked me many personal questions, she was very softspoken and kind. She allowed me to speak and ask questions. She informed me that our insurance company did not find this test to be a medically necessary test but they would be willing to pay 80% of it. 20% of $4500 is $810. All I could think was oh boy, another bill to add to our ever growing mountain of medical expenses. I must have breathed out a gasp when she told me our insurance company didn't think it was necessary because she immediately said, "now don't worry. If you fall under a certain income, you will not have to pay a penny of this expense." She asked me if our household income fell under $78,000 and I explained to her that it did indeed because my husband was the only one working. She then told me that we met the criteria and we would not owe anything for this test. I immediately started to cry and to thank her. After we hung up, all I could do was say "Thank you, Jesus!"

As I kept praising God for His provision, I was reminded of a verse in Isaiah 41 verse 10. This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, but today, it was even more so. Listen to what it says,  
^" Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice." Amplified version of the Holy Bible

I wasn't at all like that lone little egg in the nest. Yes, sometimes I felt like I was all alone and abandoned but really, I never had been. Although I don't know anything about what lies ahead on this Cancer journey, God does. He's known from before I was even born that He would allow me to travel this road. He's already gone before me and prepared the way. He's already made provisions that I am not even aware of but when it's time, He will reveal them to me. My job is simply to marvel at His mighty power...to rest in His love...to trust Him every step of the way. I feel like I'm on the very cusp of learning something new and exciting, in fact, I think I'm just about ready to fly!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

His eye is on the sparrow

I've always loved birds. They are so fascinating to watch and I love hearing their sweet morning songs. Before I had my surgery, we'd had a little cookout on our patio in back of our house. We'd left our camp chairs folded up out there instead of bringing them into the garage planning to put them away later. A few days passed and I remembered the camp chairs were still outside. It was going to rain and I wanted to bring them in so they didn't get wet. I opened the back door and as I went to pick up my chair, I noticed there was pinestraw sticking out of it. There were no pine trees close to the patio, how did that get there? Before I'd even had time to finish processing my own question, a little house wren flew toward me with a piece of straw in her mouth. Oh, they're building a nest in my chair! I slowly backed through the door and closed it, not wanting to disturb the little bird.

For many days we watched the wren fly to and fro with her beak full of moss, twigs, and straw. Her mate helped supply the bedding too and we enjoyed watching them tag team. I don't know how many trips it took for those little wrens to finally complete the nest, but they did. Whenever I could, I'd slip out the door and take a peek to see how they were progressing. One Saturday morning, as I gently pulled back the cloth arm to the camp chair, I was surprised to see 5 little eggs in the nest! The mother bird was not happy that I was so close to the nest and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was not welcomed.

Mother and Father Wren spent the next week sharing the responsibility of keeping the eggs warm. Now I'm not sure if the father bird actually sat on the nest or if he just brought worms to his mate for dinner, but they were both so attentive and protective. If we even opened the door to the patio, the birds would begin incessantly chirping at us, warning us to get away!

A weekend or two passed and we had family over for a visit. I wanted to show them the nest we'd found in the chair and took my son outside to see it. The mother bird was on the eggs but flew off immediately as we approached. My son, Dave, marveled at the little eggs and stood looking at them for the longest time. I've always encouraged my children to love and appreciate nature since they were very small and marvel at the miracle of life.

When I was in the hospital, I thought about those little birds. I wondered if the eggs had hatched out yet and if they were still in the nest. I had hoped I'd get to see the mother bird teach them to fly. When I got home, I was too weak to walk out there and look at the nest. Days have passed since I even though about it at all because I was preoccupied with my painful recovery.

Today, I was feeling much better and decided to take a peek out at the nest. I was hoping to see little birdie heads peeking out from the nest with wide opened beaks ready for breakfast. When I got to the chair and pulled back the fabric, I was disappointed to find the nest empty except for one lone egg. Oh, that poor little one! I wondered why it didn't hatch. The mother and the father wrens had abandoned it to rot.

As I thought about the lone egg, I was reminded of the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow." The lyrics to the song have always touched my heart. Here are some of them:

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

That lone little egg would never hatch. The mother and father instinctively knew to leave it alone. I am so thankful that even when I feel alone and lonely, I know that God never leaves me.

There are days since my surgery that I've felt very alone. My husband works all day and I have no family or friends that live close by. It's hard to be couped up in the house all day long without seeing anyone. But when I start to feel down or depressed, I pull out my Bible and talk to God. He is a constant companion to me and I know He hears my heart.

If God cares enough about tiny little birds to instill in them the knowledge they need to build nests, care for young, find food, and escape danger, then I know He cares even more for me. He knows everything I need and supplies it before I even ask.

Last night, I was worrying about how I'm going to get back and forth to treatments when I start them. I know that my physical strength will wane and I won't be able to drive myself. Before I'd even voiced that concern to anyone, I received a Facebook message from one of my high school friends, a friend I haven't seen in almost 40 years. She said in her message that she knew I was going to need help in the days ahead and she wondered if she might be able to assist me in any way. If you don't think we have an amazing, caring God, then you don't know my Savior. His love never ceases to amaze me. I know His eye is on the sparrow (or wren in this case) and I know He's watching me.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved