Ice Packs and Ice Cream

A huge horizontal incision trails across my chest. The steri-strips are yellowing and slightly pulling away. It's been a little over a week since this last surgery. I am sore. No, that's an understatement...I am EXTREMELY sore. I feel like I have had a type of Chinese water torture but instead of water, battery acid has been slowly dripped inside my chest wall. Drip by drip the acid bores deeper through tissue and the pain doesn't ease up. I try hard not to complain, but it really hurts. I used to think I had a high pain threshold but now, I'm not so sure. I think I've become a bonafide wimp.

On Tuesday, I went to the doctor and had fluid drained off. It was not pretty. After the fluid had been drained off, the doctor and the nurse used me for a human maypole. They took wide elastic bandages and wrapped me like a mummy. I was instructed to remain wrapped up for a week to ten days. The wrappings were to help keep the fluid from rebuilding. I went home and took a couple of pain pills and put an ice pack on my chest. The coldness of the ice pack took my mind off of the chest pain and maybe helped just a little.

Today has been a difficult day. I've felt pretty rotten. I woke up feeling bad. My incision is pulling and the burning continues. When I took a shower, I noticed several steri-strips have come loose. I imagined there were stitches under them but I can't see any. Dr. S. must have used surgical super glue again. At my last surgery, she told me there were stitches inside but she used glue to hold the outer edges of my incision together. She said it made for a cleaner line, a prettier piece of work. So the steri -strips were reinforcements, to hold things together until I've healed. I've had an ice pack on most of the day and Advil has taken a slight edge off the pain.

My sweet hubby volunteered to go to the grocery store for me. We haven't been in weeks and both the cupboard and the fridge are bare. I made out a small list. I didn't want to overwhelm him. I told him as he was leaving that I knew I hadn't thought of everything and asked him to pick up other things he thought we might need as he was perusing the aisles.

I lay on the sofa and rested while he was gone. Discouragement overtook me and I began to cry. How much longer was this ordeal going to continue? It seems I've been in recovery mode for almost 2 years now. As I lay there thinking, my chest pain intensified. I got up to go change out the now thawed ice pack with a frozen one.

The sound of the garage door going up signaled that hubby was home. I watched as he brought in the bags of groceries and put them on the kitchen counters. As I rose from the sofa to put the groceries away, he waved me off. "I've got it," he said. So, I watched. He systematically put away each item and mentioned, as he opened the freezer, "I got you some ice cream, too." (I didn't ask for ice cream but he knows how much I love it.)

We had lunch in the living room. (We rarely eat at the table any more unless it's something messy and we just feel like sitting in there.) After lunch, he asked if I wanted some ice cream. As I readjusted my ice pack, I smiled at him with a big cheesy "yes, please" grin. He fixed me a big bowl of Moose Tracks and as he slipped it into my lap, I whispered up a silent prayer..."thank you, God, for ice packs and ice cream. The ice packs help me feel better on the outside and the ice cream helps me feel better on the inside. Thank you most of all for my sweet husband and for his tender, loving care. He's so good to me and I am so very blessed.

I'm so tired of hurting but I know it won't last forever. At least I've got ways to get a little more comfortable when I need it. I'm so thankful for the person who invented ice packs but even more thankful for the person who created ice cream!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Prayers for healing answered!

Me inside the PET scan machine

This morning I was on the phone with one of my daughters and noticed another call coming in. The caller I.D. told me it was Dr. S, my radiation oncologist. Hurriedly, I got off the phone with my daughter and switched over to take the other call. Robin, the nurse at the oncology clinic, told me she had the results of the PET scan I had done yesterday. It was really funny, I didn't feel myself automatically brace for bad news like I would have done in the past. I listened intently as she told me the PET scan showed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I made her repeat herself to make sure I'd heard her clearly. I questioned her, "Nothing...what about the mass on the L-5 vertebrae that the MRI picked up. Dr. S told me she'd had 2 other radiologists read the report too and they'd all concurred that it was suspicious." "Nothing," said Robin, "absolutely nothing!" I was ecstatic!!!! God had given me a MIRACLE!

If you tell someone you've received a miracle, instantly they look at you like you're crazy! It's hard for some people to understand and accept the fact that God is still a God of miracles. There are those who believe that yes, God performed miracles back in Bible times, but surely not today...why not? Why can't they believe it? God says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He says He doesn't change. So, that tells me, if He performed miracles in Biblical times, He performs them today. 

Now the Bible says, Faith is the evidence of things not seen and I have chosen to live my life walking by faith. God has proved to me over and over again that He is trustworthy. He understands and knows every single aspect of my life and He really cares. It's not hard to walk by faith when you have clear evidence that you can trust God. Those who haven't experienced that kind of track record aren't so easy to teach the concept of faith.

When my family and friends began praying for me yesterday, why would I not expect to receive good results? The Bible says, the prayers of a righteous man availeth much. And it didn't even matter how many people were praying (although I think I had a small army lined up). It wouldn't have mattered if only one was praying and if that one person had been me. The Bible tells me that God hears our prayers and He answers them according to His will. 

I can only imagine the stunned look on the doctor's face as she read the radiology report from the PET scan. She had seen, with her own two eyes, the mass on the L-5 vertebrae last week. She'd even been so concerned over it, that she'd called in 2 other doctors to review the film. 3 doctors had seen the mass and called it suspicious...NOW IT WAS COMPLETELY GONE!!!  That was God. It couldn't have been anything else. Some folks might say, oh, there must have been some logical reason behind it. Maybe it was a smudge on the viewing box or maybe it was something that dissolved on its own. I don't think so. I believe in miracles.

It's been hard getting some of my family members to understand the reasoning behind my choosing not to take the prescribed anti-hormone therapy medication. But, as I've said in the past, I prayed about it and I felt a complete peace and assurance at my decision. I chose to go the natural route and enjoy a good quality of life that includes being free from cancer. Some of them just don't understand and want me to immediately start taking the medication now. They say I've just been lucky so far, that I've just "dodged a bullet" this time around but I don't believe in luck. Why should I take chemicals that will poison my body and make me feel terrible?

As I was praising and thanking God this morning for this wonderful news, He pointed me to Psalm 66:10 which says "For You, O God, have proved us; You have tried us as silver is tried, refined,and purified." I firmly believe God has used this cancer ordeal, over the last year, to refine me and make me more Christlike. I have learned so much from going through the fiery ordeal of cancer. If you've read my blog since it's inception, you're familiar with my feelings on this, but if you haven't...all I can say is cancer has been a blessing. I don't say that flippantly! Last year was the hardest year of my life but, I can say it has been a blessing because of all the things it's taught me. Even if I could, I would not have changed one thing because, the lessons I learned from going through all the pain and suffering I experienced were worth it. And it's still not over. I still experience daily pain as a result from the surgery, but I fight through it in His strength. 

God used the fire of cancer to heat up my life and cause the ugly impurities to rise to the surface where He could scoop them off and away from my life. What many thought was a broken and bruised incomplete woman has turned into a more deliberate, more intentional, woman of God. Not many get to experience such loving tenderness from God but I am so very thankful He chose me to refine and purify. 

Oh yes, the process hurt...more than you'll ever know but oh, how loving and kind God was to me during this time. He drew me closer and closer to Him. He taught me to lean into Him and to rest assuredly on Him in all things. He taught me that He can use ugliness and make it beautiful. He can take brokenness and make it whole again. He uses all things for His purposes. 

If you know me, you know I'm very visual, so right now, I'd like to take you through a portion of one of my earlier blog posts. In that post, I wrote about the art of Kintsugi. It's a Japanese art form but I think it's relevant for my post today, too. Here's an excerpt: (You can read it in its entirety here if you'd like to do so.)

There's an ancient Japanese story that tells about a Sakai tea man who found a brilliant Chinese tea jar. He was so pleased with his find that he invited the famed tea man Sen no Rikyu to a gathering of friends to show off the beautiful piece. But to the Sakai man’s amazement, when he served tea in the lovely piece, Sen no Rikyu paid no mind to the jar. Once Sen no Rikyu left, the Sakai man threw the tea jar against a wall, shattering it into pieces. His friends gathered the fragments and took them home where they mended the jar back together with gold lacquer. The same friends then invited Sen no Rikyu to a gathering of their own where they offered him tea in the mended jar. When Rikyu saw the mended tea jar he exclaimed, “Now the piece is magnificent!” 

Some link this story to the birth of “kintsugi”, an ancient Japanese art which translates, “patch with gold.” Kintsugi artists mend broken pieces of ceramics and pottery using gold lacquer, making the pieces more striking and unique than when they were pulled from the wheel or kiln. In a modern culture that often grades wholeness through the lens of perfection, Kintsugi offers a different perspective.

The art of Kintsugi rests in the truth that vessels are stronger and more magnificent because they have been made whole from brokenness, not because they are without imperfection. Each vessel—and every one of our lives—can tell a unique story if we no longer feel we must hide the scarred parts of our lives. “We want to be restored to health, but we don’t simply want what we once were. We want to be better, stronger, wiser for the pain, struggle, and sacrifice.”

Isn’t this the wholeness that we truly seek? We want to be restored to health, but we don’t simply want what we once were. We want to be better, stronger, wiser for the pain, struggle, and sacrifice. We want our scars to shimmer like gold and tell a beautiful story: namely, that what is broken can be whole again, and more beautiful than before. 

That broken vase, the art of Kintsugi, my scars from surgery...all of those tie in together. Breaking isn't something we ever intend to have happen but sometimes, it just does. We can let the brokenness make us bitter or make us better. We can throw away the chipped pieces or gently try to repair them. It's our choice. If we choose to fit the pieces back together again, the scars become part of the beautiful story of a damaged but restored life. This is where I am now. My body has been broken and while I can't fit the pieces back together again, I can allow the scars to be a precious reminder of everything I've been through. They can be a constant reminder that I am still living....that I am still fighting...that I am so blessed. 

So you see, God used the ugly, brokenness of breast cancer to show me His love for me. He used it to refine me and remove things in my life that didn't need to be there. He used it to teach me more about loving others. And that is why I am so grateful He chose to give me complete healing! What a wonderful picture of His love for me! He loved me so much that He cleansed me from the damaged cancer cells that had invaded my body and made it whole again!

Yes, I still have scars from the painful surgery I went through but they are battle scars! The victory has been won! Christ won it for me at Calvary when He took my sins and bore them on the cross. My small suffering, my pain, pale in comparison to what He did for me there. 

Oh, dear reader! Can you see it? Can you feel it? Can you understand the overwhelming joy He's given me? I hope you've been able to feel just a tiny bit of what I've tried to convey. Remember those few paragraphs above that talked about the art of Kintsugi? The brokenness of my life has been woven back together by the beautiful golden thread of God's love. I am whole again. If you look closely, you can see the broken places, but focus more intently and your eyes drift immediately to the brilliant gold of His grace. 

Won't you celebrate with me today? I'm so overjoyed that I'm dancing! In Ecclesiastes, the Bible tells us there is a time to dance! Believe me, that day, for me, is today!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved 

The healing power of touch

Have you ever received a hug during a time where you felt stressed? Perhaps you received a handshake after an important meeting or just cuddled with your spouse at the end of the day. How did you feel? Were you able to let go of some stress? Did you find yourself starting to unwind and relax a little? Could you feel the negativity and worry in your day start to slip away? If you did, you experienced the healing power of touch. 

Did you know that researchers are investigating whether this feel-good energy, the kind we experience during gentle touch, has an impact on our well-being. They have discovered when we experience friendly, affectionate touch, our bodies release Oxytocin. Oxytocin is sometimes called the love hormone. This hormone can help lower blood pressure, decrease the stress-related hormone Cortisol and increasing pain tolerance. 

One of my favorite ways to show love to my family was through the power of physical touch. In my office, I set up a massage table. Beside it, I placed a portable CD player and some massage oils. Whenever my husband or children were feeling stressed, I'd offer to give them a massage. Quietly I would set up my room by dimming the light or closing the blinds. I'd put some soft instrumental music into the CD player and warm the massage oils. I wanted their experience to be as pleasant as possible. 

When I began to massage my first "client," I could feel the tension and stress in the muscles. I always began with a soft, gentle touch and then used more firm pressure as I went along. I could see the muscles begin to lengthen and stretch as they were gently massaged. Talking in low, soothing tones, I would ask for guidance in problem areas. After about an hour, I had completed the massage and my "client" was either sound asleep or so relaxed he/she could hardly move off the table. I enjoyed giving the gift of my touch to them but I never received a massage in return. 

After my surgery, I was unable to give massages any longer due to the Lymphedema in my arms so I gave my massage table away. The kids were disappointed and I was too. No longer would I be able to give them free stress relieving massages. They'd have to go elsewhere. And as I was healing from surgery, I began to realize how much my body ached...and then, it dawned on me! I had never even had a massage myself!

While I was healing, my family members knew to be very gentle with me. Hugs, when  given, were extremely light - barely even felt. My body longed for physical touch but while my surgical scars were mending, I didn't receive any. 

The first time I felt like having a back rub was about 6 months after surgery. The muscles in my back were screaming out in agony and I begged my husband for a mini massage. He was so afraid he was going to hurt me. Gently, he applied lotion between my shoulder blades. As he began smoothing the lotion into my skin, I began to cry. Immediately, he asked, "am I hurting you?" I shook my head, no, as he continued to work. I explained to him that I was crying because the physical touch felt so soothing and it had been so long since I'd had anyone touch me at all. It was at that point that I realized how very powerful touch can be. 

Studies have been done on infants who were deprived of physical touch. Those infants became lonely, isolated and troublesome children. This lack of physical affection often led to emotional disturbances, hyperactivity, aggressive behavior and conduct disorder problems while infants who received daily touch thrived. There have also been studies performed on the elderly and infirm. The same types of behaviors were noted in the elderly as in the deprived infants. Hospitals and nursing homes where the older patients did not receive regular physical touch withdrew, isolated themselves, or became aggressive. 

The skin is the biggest, most important organ of our bodies. It contains millions of sensory nerve endings and those nerve endings help protect us as they indicate sensations like heat, cold, and touch. It seems that as we experience touch, we focus on the feeling, warmth and relaxation it provides instead of focusing on any worries, anxieties or pain. Any time we can refocus our mind to a relaxing place it has a positive effect on the body. 

AT&T used to have a slogan, "reach out and touch someone." While their catchy slogan seems to indicate physical touch, instead, it was referring to communication via telephone. Their slogan, is an important one with regard to physical touch too! Our bodies desire physical touch. Have you ever been standing face to face with someone, while having a nice conversation, and the person lightly reached out and touched your arm? What did you do? Did you recoil in disgust? Did you do nothing and continue talking? The way you responded speaks volumes about your reaction to touch. 

There are both good and bad touches in our world today. Physical and sexual abuse are forms of bad touches. But the touches our bodies crave are those touches that are filled with love and concern....caring touches. Are you a touch-y feel-y kind of person? Do you find yourself placing your hand on someone's shoulder as you console them? Do you extend your hand in greeting? Explore adding more touch to your day. You can do this by reaching out to friends and family members as you talk or greet each other. If you feel comfortable, add a little touch to the arm or a short hug as you first see them. Hold your grandchildren in your lap or snuggle close while you read together. Hold hands or walk arm in arm with the one you love — it all makes such a difference. 

There is healing power in touch...it's a kind of magical power. God has given us the desire to touch and be touched. To those experiencing physical pain, a light, gentle touch can often convey so much without the addition of words. I know for myself, physical touch is one of my love languages. It's one of the ways I receive and express love to others. 

When extending the gift of touch to someone with cancer, be aware that many times their bodies are hypersensitive. This hypersensitivity can come from cancer treatments like chemotherapy or radiation. Be attentive to what they say as well as to what you observe. It is best to ask before touching. The patient may have fresh scars or burns from radiation. Being sensitive to their physical and emotional needs, you can discern whether physical touch would be welcomed or best left to a family member's attentive hands. Many cancer wellness centers offer healing touch therapy. A licensed massage therapist has been specifically trained in dealing with cancer patients and their physical limitations. Specific treatments for manual lymphatic drainage and other specialized massage techniques are best left to the professionals. 

Remember, physical touch can be a blessing when shared at the proper time. Light, gentle touches are best. Don't be afraid to touch, but if in doubt, as permission first! 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The fight continues

If you've been following my blog since its inception, you'll remember that I was diagnosed with Stage 2B Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on June 5, 2014. On July 9, 2014, I had both breasts removed as well as 6 lymph nodes (because the cancer had traveled from my breast into my lymphatic system through one sentinel node) - 4 in the right arm and 2 in the left. The type cancer I had was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone and was not fed by the Her2Neu hormone. (If you are familiar with medical staging, my diagnosis is listed as pT2, pN1a, MX, ER/PR+/Her2Neu-  (That, in a nutshell, means exactly what I told you from the first sentence to the last.)

After my surgery, I went through therapy which consisted of 28 rounds of radiation. My Oncotype DX, the test used to determined the probability of recurrence, was a 7 out of 100 which indicated a very low recurrence rate although my cancer was very agressive. I took that specific number, the number 7, as a sign from God that my dealings with cancer were complete (because 7 is the Biblical number of completion) and I was sure that my medical treatments were over and God had completely healed my body.

My Oncologist wanted me to start on the routine post surgical chemo treatment and prescribed Arimidex to be taken daily. Although I believed my cancer to be already completely gone, in order to be proactive, I followed doctor's orders and started taking the medication. I took it for 2 weeks and became extremely ill. Every bone and joint in my body felt like they were on fire and I could barely walk across the room. I instantly knew that medication was not going to work for me and told the doctor. He promptly prescribed the old tried and true breast cancer drug, Tamoxifen, and asked me to take it for a while. (I was told I'd be on chemo meds for the next 10 years. In the past, treatment was only given for 5 years but recent research, it was found that 10 years offered more protection from recurrence.) Once again, I followed doctor's orders and took the Tamoxifen. After two weeks and countless side effects, I decided to stop taking the Tamoxifen and take a more natural route to proactive treatment for healing. I told my oncologist about my decision and cringed awaiting his response. Instead of berating me and telling me to find a new physician, he smiled and said he'd support me in whatever I decided to do. Thus my quest for natural ways to combat cancer began.

I began pouring over internet articles, medical journals, and holistic healing manuals. I read countless blogs and real life accounts of other breast cancer survivors. I took every bit of information I could and recorded those various tidbits in a journal. One by one, I researched them. I discarded the "off the wall, way out in left field" treatment suggestions, and I've kept the documented, "proven" options.

In March, after completing the trials of chemo drugs, I began my journey to better health by also making drastic changes to my diet. After reading "Beating Cancer with Nutrition" by Dr. Patrick Quillen, I discovered many documented nutritional supplements that not only promoted good health, but possessed cancer fighting properties. I'd like to share those with you in hopes that they will bless someone else as they begin their own cancer journey.

One of the main things I learned from reading Dr. Quillen's book is that SUGAR FEEDS CANCER CELLS. Oh how I hated to learn that fact. My oncologist agreed with Dr. Quillen's research and said since the cancer I was diagnosed with was fed by Estrogen, I would have to be diligent in losing as much weight as possible. When I asked him why, he told me that fat cells produced Estrogen and Estrogen fed the cancer. And where do you think fat cells come from??? Fat cells are formed when we ingest TOO MUCH SUGAR! The body stores that extra sugar or glucose in our cells and those expanded cells show up on our bodies as, you guessed it, FAT. So, as much as I love ice cream and brownies, they were going to have to disappear from my diet.

When I returned to see my oncologist the following month, he sat down with me and we discussed what I was doing to stay healthy. I watched his face as I rattled off each supplement, each nutrient, and each weapon I was using in my fight. I think he was impressed that I'd done extensive research. Many of the tools I'd chosen were ones he was very familiar with but then, there were a few he was unfamiliar with and wanted more information on.

Some of my family members were concerned that I'd chosen to "go natural" in my approach to fighting cancer and others were behind me 100%. For me, it only made sense to follow a holistic approach. I'm a firm believer that God has given us everything we need for healing of any disease or malady through His gifts in nature.

Below, you'll find a list of things currently in my arsenal. While these things are currently working for me, I want to add a disclaimer here and encourage you to discuss any natural healing therapies with your physician should you wish to include any of these in your own health regimen.

My daily cancer fighting regimen:

• Organic Matcha green tea (green tea has been used for centuries in China and Japan for fighting cancer)
• Supplements - Vitamin C (tricks the cancer cells into thinking they're getting glucose but helps destroy the cells instead of feeding them), Vitamin B 12 (for energy), Vitamin D and Calcium, Fish oil (helps line the cell membranes and lower blood glucose by making insulin more effective) Probiotics and Greek Yogurt (helps create and maintain healthy bacteria in the stomach and intestines), Chlorophyll capsules, Ashwaghanda capsules
• Water and lots of it! (filtered of course) Lemon added helps flush toxins from the body
• Protein (60-100 grams of lean protein a day)
• Deep colored fruits and vegetables (if not organic, I wash them well in a vinegar/water solution and try to eat all with outer skin intact instead of removed because this is where the nutrients and vitamins are located.)
• Cinnamon added to foods helps stabilize blood sugar levels 
• Exercise (walking is my exercise of choice but anything that allows your body to take in more oxygen the better. Cancer cells are anaerobic so the more oxygen you can pump into your system, the more the cancer cells don't like it!)
• Tomatoes (they contain Lycopene which helps suppress cancer growth.)
• Berries like blueberries, raspberries, and blackberries (they contain Ellagic acid which helps kill cancer cells)
• No sugar! Instead, I use Stevia which comes from a natural plant. Honey and even Raw Cane Sugar turn into glucose in your body.
• Fiber (I try to eat as much fiber as I can naturally but when I can't, I take a daily supplement like Citrucel or Metamucil.)
• Garlic (it contains natural antibiotic properties so I use it in most of my cooking and even eat it raw)
• Spices that help fight cancer: Curry, Ginger, Mustard
• Good oils: Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Evening Primrose Oil
• Eliminate stress (if you can't remove the stress from your life, remove yourself from the stressful situation! Stress is a cancer instigator!)
• Detox (I try to Detox my body by fasting at least one day a week or if not for a full day, for at least 2 meals of the day.)
• And last, but by no means least, prayer. Praying and focusing on God are my number one weapon against cancer, but I listed them last so you'd be sure to remember them. 

I have to give you a little science/history lesson before I end my blog post today. Hippocrates was a Greek physician of the Age of Pericles, and is considered one of the most outstanding figures in the history of medicine. He is referred to as the "Father of Western Medicine," and is famous for the "Hippocratic Oath." He learned medicine from both his father and his grandfather. He believed doctors should analyze symptoms on a case-by-case basis, instead of having blanket causes and/or cures for each disease. Hippocrates is known for many famous quotations. Among them are these two: "It is necessary for a physician to know about nature, and be very eager to know, if he is going to perform any of his duties... what man is in relation to what he eats and drinks, and in relation to his habits generally, and what will be the effect of each upon each individual" and “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”

My great Aunt was a Naturopath so I guess the study of natural healing is just in my blood. Doesn't it just make sense to use food to heal our bodies? After all, God made our bodies complex, with all of the wonderful, marvelous systems in place, so we would be able to process and digest food while taking in all of the valuable nutrients from what we ingested. If we lived back in Biblical times, when people lived as hunter/gatherers, we'd have the most natural form of fruits, vegetables, and the most organic forms of meats and fish. But today, with all the chemicals and pesticides that smother our produce and poison our water sources, it's no wonder we face a myriad of diseases and illnesses. We must be responsible for our own health, to the extent we can be.

For the breast cancer survivor, it seems scary to step out of the regimented routine of medical advice and trek out into the world of natural healing. For some, it may seem impossible but for others, like me, it makes the most sense of all. As Cicero once said, "Suum Cuique." (Which means: to each his own.) Each patient/survivor must carefully consider his/her diagnosis and discuss options with his/her physician to make the most informed, best choice that can be made. I'd like to encourage those traveling the breast cancer journey to consider taking the natural route if it's at all possible for you. I am so thankful I realized I had a right to make the choice I made. You have a right, too. Do your research. Ask questions. Don't just feel like you have to accept the standard, routine method of treatment. It's your body. Once again, in the famous words of Hippocrates, "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be they food."

May you live long and prosper (thanks, Spock!)

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Creative therapy

 I've been struggling lately with getting out of the house and doing something...anything. I've become so comfortable just being here with me, myself and I all day long every day. I can do what I want when I want without any disruption, but I know it's not healthy to isolate myself...so, I decided to make myself do something.

The hospital near me has a Cancer Wellness Center and they offer classes at no cost to breast cancer patients and survivors. My Oncologist told me about it right after I was diagnosed and I was scared to death to walk down the hallway to see where the classes were even held. If my oldest daughter hadn't been with me, I'm sure I would not have gone to see it at all, but she insisted telling me it would be good for me.

Several months passed after that first visit to the wellness center and she kept asking me if I'd gone to any classes yet. I had to respond that I hadn't. She kept prodding me, telling me to try it but I was afraid to go alone to a place where I knew no one. I didn't want to go, but I promised her I'd go at least once and so I did.

My first visit was okay. There weren't a lot of people there. I was very nervous and tried to fit in as best I could. The ladies were nice but not overly friendly. It was apparent they had known each other for some time and had their own little cliques. I wondered if I'd ever fit in. When I left that first day, I didn't think I would be back. I had kept my promise and that was all I felt I needed to do.

Since the beginning of the year, I'd promised myself that I'd be brave...that I'd try something new. I really needed to be around other people and the only people I knew here were medical staff...I didn't want to be around them unless I had to be!

Last night, I sent my daughter a text and told her I needed a cheerleader...I needed her to encourage me to go to the wellness center. She responded with several texts filled with verses of Scripture that reminded me to be brave and courageous. I went to bed thinking I'd give it a try if I felt good enough in the morning.

This morning, after waking up from one of the best night's sleep I'd had in months, I decided to go to the center. Today was art therapy day and afterwards, there was a creative writing class. I loved both of those things so I thought it would be a good day for me to venture out.

I ate breakfast and then checked the clock. It was a little before 8.  I hurried to get a shower and then got dressed and put on a fresh coat of makeup. I looked in the mirror and started to feel shaky. I wasn't feeling very brave...but wait! I had my lions! I'd collected a small brood of lions since my diagnosis. Friends had sent them to me to remind me to be brave while going through treatment. They had been my constant companions as I'd worked through radiation treatments for 7 weeks, I knew they could help me now too.

I went into the bedroom and gathered them up in my arms. "Come on guys," I said, as I whisked them into the front seat of my car. I glanced at the clock, it was almost 9:30 a.m. Traffic was a little heavier than normal but I pressed on, determined not to be late.

When I arrived at the hospital, the parking lot was extremely full. I parked in the first space available and walked about a block to the front door of the wellness center. I took the elevator up and took a deep breath as I reached my floor. The door opened and I made a b-line for the bathroom, nerves, I guess. After I composed myself, I went down the long corridor to a set of glass doors that led to the classrooms.

I entered the classroom and NO ONE was there! I started to freak out but then noticed it was not quite 10 a.m. ...maybe I was just early and others would come soon. I noticed that the room was fairly dark, so I began opening the blinds to let in the morning light...that was much better, I thought to myself and sat down at a round table.

Gayle, the art therapist

Promptly at 10 a.m. the art therapist came into the room. She introduced herself to me again. Her name was Gayle and she remembered me from my very first visit...I was surprised! She started pulling out supplies for the class and I volunteered to help. We sat up a table and got everything ready as other ladies came into the room. Each one told me her name and a little about herself.

We got started with our project and soon, I was immersed in what I was doing. I totally forgot about what was going on around me. I was so busy making my mosaic and getting it just the way I wanted it. It was so nice not to have to think about anything other than what I was doing at that very moment.

Time went by so quickly and soon it was noon, time for lunch. I went downstairs to the new cafe and ordered a sandwich. It was so beautiful outside. I chose to sit in the sunshine. There was a small picnic area set up in between buildings and it looked so inviting.

When lunch was over, I headed back up to class. The creative writing class was a very small group. I guess not many ladies enjoy writing. I was kind of glad because I prefer to be in a small group. Since this was my first writing class at the center, I didn't know what to expect. The art therapist pulled out a mason jar filled with slips of paper and asked me to pick one. As I read it, I saw that it had a journaling prompt on it. Each of us would now take the prompt and write from it.

Gayle gave us a certain amount of time to complete our assignment. When we were done, she asked if anyone wanted to read portions of their work. When she asked me, I was nervous, but agreed to read my writings. Everyone in the class was amazed. They asked me to read my work again. I was shaky and wondered why they wanted to hear my work read aloud once again. After reading, they all told me I had wonderful talent and that I should write professionally. I explained that this was a lifelong dream but I'd never pursued it. I felt honored to hear their words of praise.

I was thankful I'd made myself go to the classes. It was very cathartic and I could actually feel the stress leaving my body. It was also nice to be around other people. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it.

Next week will be easier since I know some of the ladies. I'm actually looking forward to the classes and can't wait to see what type of things we'll do.

I felt a little silly writing about this topic today, but I wanted to share my vulnerability with you. I don't just struggle with my physical appearance, I struggle emotionally too. Breast cancer can really do a number on your self esteem. I know it has on mine, but I'm fighting hard to get it back to a new normal.

Working on our mosaics

I'm so thankful to have my own personal cheering section! My daughters know me so well and they can tell when I'm fearful. Grownups aren't supposed to be afraid of little things like going out in public, are they? I was never afraid before surgery so I don't know why I am now. Hopefully things will get better with time. I did actually have a lot of fun today and I know that it was really good medicine.


© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The nutritionist says...

Yesterday was my visit to the cancer wellness center to meet with the nutritionist. Last week, when I visited Dr. Feinstein, he suggested I meet with a nutritionist. I'm thankful the wellness center offers that service free of charge to breast cancer survivors.

I had no idea what to expect when I walked into her office. A very petite 30 something woman sat before me. She greeted me cordially and we began to talk a little about my experience with cancer. She listened intently as I described my stage, treatment, and current situation. Now it was time to get down to the nitty gritty...

"Why are you here, exactly?," she said. "Well, my oncologist thought it would be a good idea since I'm taking a natural approach to staying healthy instead of taking Tamoxifen, Arimidex or any of those other anti-hormone therapies." "Okay, so let's talk about your diet," she said. So I proceeded to give her a break down of what I usually eat for each meal. She looked shocked when I finished. "Wow, you eat really well! You are doing exactly what you should be doing." I wanted to jump up and down and say, "I KNOW! I KNOW!" but I restrained myself.

She began printing off documents from her computer and turned to me saying, "so, what would you say your goal is right now?" The first thing that came to mind was to say, "just to stay alive" so that's what I said. "That's a good goal!," she said. I also told her I'd like to lose some weight. I explained how frustrated I was at having a super slow metabolism. Ellen, the nutritionist, looked confused. "How do you know you have a slow metabolism?" I told her that no matter what I did or didn't eat, I could never lose a pound. Even when I added lots of exercise, nothing helped. When I told her about having had my thyroid gland removed in 2005, she was able to understand a little better and agreed with me.

"Why don't we just focus on making healthy eating choices and not focus on losing weight?," she said, "if you continue to eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables like you've been doing and increase your activity, I'm pretty sure the weight loss will follow."

Ellen

Ellen handed me a stack of printouts. There was one was on Organic foods and cancer, another was on plant based diets and phytochemicals, and the last one was a 1600 calorie menu planner with many pages of diet information. I told Ellen that I don't think I ever ate 1600 calories in a day. My diet was usually around 1200. She explained that she'd based that calorie count on several factors including my BMR (basal metabolic rate.)

I sat there looking over the papers and happened to glance down at her shoes. (She had on some really cool shoes!) I wanted to say something about them but thought it might seem a little weird, but then...I couldn't help it! "Those are the coolest shoes!," I said. She glanced down at her feet and then a big smile came across her face. "Thank you! You just made my day!" I asked where she'd purchased them and she told me. I love quirky, different looking shoes. Hers were an olive drab colored canvas similar to the Converse high tops I wore in high school but these had a unique fold down tongue and side flaps. As we were talking about the shoes, a guy came walking into her office and looked directly at me said, "it's time for your drum lesson." Ummmm....you can't imagine the shocked look on my face. I thought he was kidding but it turns out he wasn't!

Ellen and I were finished and as I told her thank you, the guy was grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me gently down the hallway. I looked back at Ellen with a "help me???" look on my face. She just smiled and sat down to do some paperwork.

Rounding the corner, the guy took me into a room filled with leather chairs and sofas. He motioned for me to have a seat and being the compliant person that I am, I sat down. He handed me a drum...but not your typical drum, it was an African drum. He took one and placed it between his thighs and asked me to do the same...which I did. Can I tell you, I was feeling really weird and really uncomfortable but then, he began to show me the various drum strokes to play the Djembe (the African drum made of wood shaped like a huge challis with a head made of goatskin stretched over the top of it.) I watched in amazement as he began to stroke the drum. The sounds resonated throughout the room and began to get louder as he continued playing. "Now you try it," he said.

I took my drum and followed along as he taught me the 3 types of strokes used to play this instrument. The first stroke was a bass stroke where the whole hand was used to hit the surface of the drum firmly. The second stroke involved only the meaty part of your hand, just below your fingers, and this stroke was made squarely along the outer rim of the drum. This stroke was called the tone stroke. The last stroke involved the meaty part of the palm and the fingers, again along the outer edge of the drum and it was called the slap stroke. As I practiced each stroke, I was beginning to loosen up and have fun!

The instructor told me to close my eyes and practice the strokes while saying "pepperoni and spaghetti." He said the words gave the proper cadence to the strokes he was teaching me. I felt silly sitting there in a room alone with a man I'd never met before with a big wooden African drum between my legs, eyes closed saying "pepperoni and spaghetti...PEP per oni and SPA ghetti, PEP per ONI and spa GHETTI"  As he changed up the emphasis on the words, he changed the type of stroke we played on the drum.

We sat there playing our drums for about an hour. As the beat became more natural, I was transported into a dusty, poverty stricken land surrounded by tattered children. I could just imagine all of us sitting there underneath the Baobab trees gathered into a loose circle as the elders led us in some sort of ceremony with drums beating and shirtless women dancing. It was the weirdest thing ever, just like I had stepped into a National Geographic documentary on African music.

The rhythmic drumming was hypnotizing, but not in a bad way. It was very peaceful and as I kept drumming, the instructor began to tell me a little of the drum therapy program here at the wellness center. He explained that the drumming was a wonderful stress reliever and something about Oncolytic Immunotherapies and T cell production. I didn't really listen because I was "into" my drumming. I felt connected with the native peoples through their music.

When it was time for the class to be over, I didn't want to leave. Isn't that funny? At first, I had felt totally out of place and strange about even picking up the drum and holding it. The pepperoni and spaghetti part made me want to burst out laughing but now, it all came together. 

The cancer wellness center at Piedmont Hospital is a wonderful resource. They offer free programs to help cancer survivors thrive. There are cooking classes, art therapy classes, writing classes, drumming, massage, yoga, group therapy, and other programs offered weekly. Each of these programs help those of us who continue to struggle to find our place in the world feel a little more grounded. The programs are set to reach a wide range of women and some of them participate in every class offered. I like to choose ones that include things I enjoy already like the art and writing classes. 

It's nice to know the doctors aren't only concerned with helping us through the immediate crisis of cancer but also want to help us be successful in returning to our daily lives. It's a huge struggle for many of us who have experienced devastating physical changes. The cancer wellness center is a wonderful place for overcoming the emotional pain that cancer inflicts upon its victims. 

Nutrition plan, check. African drumming, check. What's next you say? Well, you'll just have to wait and see. I do know that I'm not just going to sit around on my duff and rot. I've got a whole lot of living left to do! 

 “The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.” ~ T.H. White

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

It is well

This year has been a hard one, probably one of the hardest I've ever experienced in my life thus far to be more accurate. I've tried to understand...tried to accept...tried to trust, but it's been hard. There have been days when I've managed to slide by, not focusing on the hard that's come my way and then there are those dark days...the days that envelope me...the days that overpower me and cause me to look around instead of up...but today, today has been a different day.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I love the way it speaks to my soul. I could sit for hours and listen to beautiful instrumental music allowing it to wash over me and comfort me with its easiness...the mindlessness of it, never having to focus on a thing, just hearing the melodious notes...tone upon tone, building in a beautiful crescendo until the piece is fading into nothingness. I need music. I don't think I could live without it. Music affects me deeply and so today, I searched. I searched for a song that would be my theme....a song that would share the depth of emotion that I've felt since finding out I have cancer. I wanted a song that would speak to your heart too and help you understand that though the days have been hard, they've also been good. They've been life changing and serene. God has been with me.

The song I chose is called It is well and if you click on the link, you can hear it. It's not the song you think...it's not, "It is well with my soul," although that song is mixed into this rendition. I've always loved the song, "It is well with my soul" by Horatio Spafford. Mr. Spafford was a wealthy Chicago lawyer living in the 18th century. He had a thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the Scriptures. Mr. Spafford came to write this well known song after a horrible family tragedy where all four of his daughters drowned. His song has spoken to many hearts that have been broken over the years and has spoken to mine too.

When I heard the rendition of "It is well" by Kristine DeMarco and Bethel Music, I knew I'd found my song...a song representative of all I've been through, all I've come through, and where I am currently in my cancer journey. When I first heard her song, I listened to it over and over again and let my soul absorb every word. It was as if I'd found a song that spoke the words of my heart...every single one of them. Words I've cried out to my Savior over the past few days, telling Him how much I love Him...how much I adore Him...how much I trust Him completely.

It hasn't been easy getting to this place in my life. It has taken a great deal of effort to finally be at peace with cancer. I fought it so hard in the beginning until I realized God had chosen it for me. And so today, I can honestly say, it is well with me. It is well that I have cancer. It is well because I know that God is here...right in the middle of my journey. He's never left me. He's been with me since the beginning and through it all, I have learned to trust completely.

There are times when life is so confusing. We wish we could understand everything all at once but instead, God only allows us to get a tiny glimpse of what He's doing. If we struggle and fight against the hard things that come our way, we make the journey even more difficult than it has to be but...if we can learn to lean into the hard and trust God completely, we can learn to say "it is well" and mean it. We can let go of everything that is hindering us and holding us tightly and just relax allowing our soul to become rightly aligned with His heart and one day, one day when He sees fit, He'll show us what the journey was all about. We'll understand completely why we had to endure days of hard and days of pain. We'll be able to look upon the struggle with eyes that see clearly and we can say without reservation..."it is well."

Oh my Savior...I want to be wrapped up in your love. I want to cease struggling against You and learn to just rest. Thank you Father for being so patient with me...so understanding...so loving and kind. You are such a gentle Father and you love me so well. I am thankful I was able to find a song that gave words to my heart's longings. I release all of my worries, all of my unanswered questions, all of myself to You and I say, "it is well, Father, and through it all, I trust You completely." You never change and for that I am grateful. You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Through it all, my eyes are on You. I choose to trust You, Father, through it all, and I know you hear my prayer and will answer according to your will. Amen.

Click here if you missed the link for the song above! I hope it blessed your heart as it did mine.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved