Clarity

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with a huge decision regarding my healthcare and finally, after much prayer, I have some clarity. Last month, I visited my Oncologist. While there, we discussed my health as well as 2 previous medications I'd tried at my doctor's request. Both of those medications had given me bad side effects and had made me feel like a totally different person. While in the doctor's office, he told me there was only one more medication we could try. When he said that, I wanted to laugh...WE? Was he going to join me in taking the medication? I don't think so. I explained to him that my husband and I had a trip coming up and that I'd like to wait to begin the medicine until after we had completed our trip and were back home. Dr. "F" agreed it would be a wise decision. He didn't want me in another state if I was experiencing bad side effects. I left his office feeling good about the visit and went home to pack for our trip.

The entire time we were in Texas, I felt an uneasiness about beginning the new medication. I didn't want to experience the same bad side effects as I'd had on the past 2 cancer meds. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to take the medication but I knew I needed to gain understanding through prayer.

For the past 2 weeks, I've gone before the Lord with my dilemma. In the Bible, we're told
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5 I knew I needed answers for my problem and I needed godly wisdom. I didn't want to trust making the decision on my own. James 1:5 promises that if we will go to Him when we need wisdom, He will give us the answers we need!

The word "lack" is the Greek word leipo, a Greek word that pictures a deficit of some kind. In modern English, we might call this a shortfall, a shortage, a scarcity, or a deficiency. For instance, people often speak of a "shortfall" of finances. When they experience such a financial shortfall, it greatly impairs their ability to do business as necessary. Years ago, we had a shortage of gasoline. People had to wait for hours to get a few gallons of gas and when the gas ran out, the ones at the back of the line had to go home on empty. In my grandparents' day, food was rationed. There was a great lack of precious staples like flour, eggs, sugar, bread, meat, and milk. These kinds of scarcities and deficits could be described by the Greek word leipo, which is translated "lack" in the King James Version of James 1:5. But the "lack" James is referring to is not sugar, flour, eggs, milk, butter, meat, or gasoline. James says, "If any of you lack wisdom.…"

A lack of "wisdom" is the most devastating kind of deficit a person or country can face. Wisdom has the answers, solutions, and principles needed to reverse any situation and turn it around for the better. A person is at a great disadvantage when he is void of wisdom about how to pay his bills, how to reverse a decline in his business, how to resolve challenges with his children, spouse, boss, or coworkers; or even how to make important decisions that will affect his future. When a person lacks wisdom, it nearly paralyzes him, because he doesn't know what to do!

When James says, "If any of you lack wisdom," the word "wisdom" is the Greek word sophos. This word sophos could describe enlightenment, or special insight. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean he possesses wisdom. You need to treat education like it is important, for it definitely is. However, you also need to understand that having an education is not the equivalent of having wisdom. Education gives information and facts; but wisdom gives you principles, solutions, and answers. Wisdom gives you special insight that helps you know what to do. Wisdom contains the principles that will lead you out of that baffling situation and into a place where things begin to work again! Wisdom guides you to do what is right. Man has education; but God has wisdom.

Are you experiencing a time in your life right now when you need wisdom about a particular situation? Even though you've studied and tried to find solutions on your own, have those solutions been evading you? If so, it's time for you to get a good dose of wisdom from on High! That's why James says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.…"

The word "ask" is the Greek word aiteo. The word aiteo means "to be adamant in requesting and demanding assistance to meet tangible needs, such as food, shelter, money, and so forth." This person may insist or demand that a certain need be met, but he approaches his superior with respect and honor as he makes his very strong request. The word aiteo also expresses the idea that the one asking has a full expectation to receive what has been firmly requested.

When James tells us to "ask" God for the wisdom we need, the Greek tense used is a command. This plainly means God isn't suggesting that we come to Him for wisdom; He is commanding us to do so!
When these words are used together in one phrase, it could be translated:
"If anyone lacks insight, let him firmly request it.…"
"If anyone has a shortage of wisdom, he should demand it.…"
"If anyone is baffled and doesn't know what to do, he should be bold to ask.…"

The Greek word studies in this verse of Scripture helped give me even more clarity. I finally understood that God really wanted me to come to Him for wisdom first instead of trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of relying on my education and the books on my shelf to give me the answers I needed, I knew I had to go to God first and firmly ask Him for wisdom and that is just what I did. I approached Him with respect and honor, but was also bold. As a child of God, I knew I had a right to request wisdom from God when I needed it!

This morning, I reached up into the top of my closet and took down my prayer shawl. It was a beautifully crocheted shawl made by ladies from a local church. A friend of mine had given it to me right after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I placed the shawl over my shoulders, I sat for hours before God pouring out my heart to Him. With the shawl over my shoulders, it was as if I could feel God's very arms wrapped around me. The feeling was so filled with love and peace. I'd never felt that way before underneath the prayer shawl.

I admitted I didn't know what to do regarding taking the new medications. I struggled with just doing what the doctor told me to do and following what I felt in my heart that I needed to do. My heart said, "trust God. Remember your Oncotype DX number was a 7...the number of completion! It also meant that there was a very low rate of recurrence." My head said, "but the doctor knows more than you do. He says I have to take this medication for the next 10 years to prevent the cancer from returning. I should do what he says to do." My heart said, "you need to trust that God made your body. He knows every single cell and knows the number of days He's allotted to you. He has your best interest in mind. The doctor is only following recommended treatment plans as indicated by statistics." 

I cried and cried as I read my Bible and poured out my heart to God. I told him everything I was thinking even though I knew He already knew my thoughts before I verbalized them. As I prayed, I felt such a peace come over me and He led me to Psalm 56:3-4, "What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance in You. By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me?" He also gave me Psalm 57:1-2, "Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed. I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" As I read these verses, I got a mental image of the beautiful, powerful, huge wings of God and I saw myself tiny, and powerless huddled beneath them. I could see a great and powerful whirlwind swirling all around me, but I was completely safe and secure beneath His wings. I felt no fear whatsoever. I knew everything was going to be okay. 

My decision is clear. I will not be taking any more cancer medications. The two bottles sitting on my counter will soon be in the trashcan. I am going to trust the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. When I call to tell my doctor of my decision, I don't know if he will understand it but I'm going to try to help him see where I'm coming from. I'm thankful my doctor is Jewish because that means he's a man of faith. I'm going to use that as my segway into explaining my decision. He is a man of faith and I am a woman of faith. It doesn't matter that we are of different faiths because we both believe in the same Almighty, Omnipotent God. 

I'm sure Dr. "F" won't be too happy that I've chosen not to take the prescribed medications. I'm wondering if he'll even still agree to be my Oncologist. If he decides he doesn't want to support me in my decision, I'll have to find a new doctor and that's okay. I'm trusting God with that decision too. 

Of course, every now and then, I'm sure Satan will whisper fearful words to my heart and mind trying to scare me into thinking I've made the wrong decision. He'll use the tool of fear to prod me into thinking the cancer will come back but I know, even if God does allow the cancer to return, He'll have a purpose for it and I can live with that. I've trusted Him throughout this whole ordeal and I'm not going to stop trusting Him now. 

If you're facing a dilemma of some kind today, rather than continue to struggle in your own strength, why don't you go to God and ask Him to give you the necessary wisdom to conquer the situation you are facing in your life right now? As a child of God, you have every right to ask Him. In fact, God commands you to come to Him when you lack wisdom! So take a few minutes today to obey that command. Ask God to give you the wis­dom you need!

My Prayer for Today
Lord, help me to come to You when I find myself struggling to know what to do. Help me to rely on You instead of on my own strength and understanding. Every answer I need resides with You. Your wisdom holds all the answers I am looking for therefore, I am making the decision to come to You now with a listening ear. Please speak to my heart and guide me according to your perfect will for my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

My Confession for Today
I boldly confess that I go to the Father when I need wisdom from above. He has the answers to all my problems, and He is standing before me, ready to help. God is on my side. He wants to help me. He is waiting for me to come into His Presence so He can give me the wisdom I need to confront and overcome every situation I am facing right now. God wants me to suc­ceed, and His wisdom is what I need to achieve what is in my heart. So rather than try to figure it all out on my own, I run to the Father and ask Him for wisdom - and He is swift to give me the wisdom I need! I declare this by faith in Jesus' name!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved.

I need a little prayer today

Today I'm struggling. I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck. Every move I made took great effort...my muscles were screaming out in pain. Yesterday, my husband and I did a little hiking. I had wanted to get out of the house and just "do" something. So we decided to take a little jaunt. We drove all over the surrounding areas enjoying the sights. I had brought my camera along and was able to get a few good photos of country life, too. We found a beautiful, quaint little town called Serenbe in Palmetto, Georgia. “Serenbe is a utopian experiment in New Urbanism being molded out of Georgia red clay," says a reporter with the New York Times and I'm inclined to agree with him. Any and everything you could want is in that tight knit little community. It has the best of both worlds, all the amenities of city life with beautiful green space and hiking trails, too. 

 

As we wandered through Serenbe, we found cute little shops, restaurants, and beautiful homes. We found some hiking trails that meandered through the woods, too. Since we're both avid hikers, we decided to stop and pick up a few trails. As we sauntered down the pine straw laden floors of the forest, we realized how much we've missed being out in the woods. It's been many months since we've had a good hike. We didn't stay out long because it was the first time out since my surgery and hubs was worried that I might get over tired...and he was right but I didn't realize it until today.

 

On top of my muscle pain, I'm also dealing with discomfort from scar tissue and a seroma. I wrote about this in one of my earlier posts so I won't go into more detail about it here other than to say we're trying gentle massage to see if the scar tissue will loosen up and the fluid will disperse. If it doesn't, I'll have to have it drained with a syringe. I don't relish having to have that done. 

It's not something I usually do in my blog but today, I'd like to ask for a little prayer. It's been tough getting adjusted to the Tamoxifen and the side effects that have come with it like severe headaches, nausea, and fatigue. I don't like feeling "sick." I'm used to feeling pretty good and when I feel like this, I am reminded that my health isn't so great right now. 

 

This has been a tough season for me and I've been struggling over how I can pursue healing without making health an idol. In other words, when navigating a broken world and you find yourself in a dark, hurtful place of pain, how do you respond in such a way that you do not get distracted by wanting deliverance more than you want the Deliverer?

 

Last month, a friend posted an answered prayer to a health crisis on her Facebook wall. The first comment read, “God is good!” Yes, God IS good. But when I see that kind of response to good news, I always think, yes, but what if the health crisis had ended in tragedy? I wonder if that person would have commented along these lines, “Horrible news. God is bad.” I'm sure they wouldn't have, but you can't help but think it. Sometimes, when we say, "God is good" isn't our meaning more along the lines of  “Yippee! We got what we wanted—isn’t that awesome?! God is good because He answered our prayer the way we asked him to answer it.”

Many people have uttered the phrase, "If God is so good, why does He let bad things happen?"
I’ve experienced enough struggle and sadness in my life to know the answer. I don’t want a God who is limited to my understanding of good. I actually want a God who works in mysterious ways, who uses suffering to produce beauty, who understands that good always trumps evil, who won’t let me be satisfied with a superficial goodness that I use to measure how happy I am in the moment. I want to trust a God who fights for goodness in my life by providing journeys that walk through muck and mire. I don’t want to be satisfied with Him just giving me what I want to get me by. I want to hurt, yearn, and suffer so that I can experience the depth of peace and  hope and eventual redemption. That is Goodness! ...Or so I say.

Yes, I'm hurting physically right now but nothing like the pain an internet friend of mine is experiencing. You've seen my most recent posts about Kara Tippetts, the young mother who is in the last stages of metastatic cancer...the beautiful, brave, woman of faith who is fighting for every last second she can have with her family. She is in excruciating pain. My pain pales in comparison to hers and I am ashamed to even admit I have pain. I have cried out to God on her behalf asking for a miracle. Asking for Him to allow her to live and to restore her to good health and even while I'm asking, I know this isn't His plan. He has used her life of pain and suffering to show others her marvelous faith and His great sovereignty. 

I've dreamed about Kara a lot lately. A few nights ago, I imagined her lying on her bed with her family gathered around. It was dark and she was crying out in pain, unbearable pain. I kept thinking to myself, there must be a way to help her...and then I realized, I was wanting deliverance for her more than the Deliverer. But God never promises us good health. He never promises that we'll accomplish all of our goals or that all of our dreams will come true. He doesn't promise that if we work hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want them too....no, He only promises His grace. Now back to my dream...there is my friend, in the depths of despair, I am praying that God will deliver her. I know that my prayer is in line with God's will because the Bible teaches us to ask our Father for what we need. But if I am trying to figure out a way to solve her problems for her, it wouldn't fix everything. Her heart would still be broken. She doesn’t just need deliverance—she needs her Deliverer. Only God can heal her heart, draw her close, shower her with unconditional love, provide hope for her weary heart. Isn’t that what I really want for her? Isn’t that what I really want for myself? Her struggle doesn’t mean God isn’t good. It means just the opposite—it means that God is pursuing her, drawing her to Himself, proving His great love to her, wiping the tears from her eyes, filling her heart with hope, calming her spirit with peace. That is Grace. And what is better than Grace? Nothing.

So would you say a little prayer for me today and would you say a big one for Kara? Pray that God will be her strength as her life draws to a close. Pray that she will cling to her Deliverer and never let Him go. Pray for her family to be able to comfort each other with the comfort they have been given through Christ. Hard days are ahead for all of them, but God is good. He will be enough for all of them. And He is enough for me, even when my health needs are small compared to hers. He cares about every need and loves us all the same.

Heart and soul

Waiting for a new grandchild to arrive is very stressful, especially when you're almost 2000 miles away, but waiting teaches us patience, right? I guess I'm the most impatient person in the world because God is continually working on that area of my life. My oldest daughter went into labor yesterday morning and now, almost 27 hours later, we still have no grandchild. I would be lying if I didn't say I was concerned, she's already had 3 Cesarean sections and two of her previous three births were breech. I feel so helpless...all I can do is pray.

On the way to the cardiologist's office for my followup appointment, I prayed. I asked God to guide the hands of the midwife and all those helping my daughter during the birthing process. I prayed for my sweet daughter, that God would give her strength to endure the difficult labor pains, and I prayed for my unborn grandchild...for God to take care of and bless that little one. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving, for the miracle of life. I prayed prayers of gratitude that our family was growing once again, but most of all, I prayed that I would be instrumental in helping to guide this new life into a saving knowledge of the Lord, Jesus Christ one day.

At that doctor's office, as I sat on the examination table, I listened as the doctor went over the recent test results with me. The stress test and the echocardiogram revealed I was still experiencing PVC'S (premature ventricular contractions.) The cardiologist wasn't as concerned about my enlarged right ventricle as he was with the PVC's so he decided to change my medication and wants me to wear a heart monitor to record the number of PVC'S and their frequency. I'm glad he's diligent to protect my heart. I was also thankful he gave me the okay to walk again. I haven't had the energy to do much of anything lately. It will feel good to get back on the treadmill and when the weather is a little warmer, I can start hiking again!

Today is the first day since my surgery that I've actually felt almost normal...not quite, but almost. I guess this "new normal" is going to take some getting used to and though it's not like the old normal, maybe I can find a way to adapt to the way things are now.

It's hard to believe it's been almost 8 months since I first found the mass in my right breast.  In just the blink of an eye, my heart and soul have changed. My heart has experienced physical changes, but more importantly, emotional changes. I feel almost like the Grinch on Christmas day, when his heart was changed...."And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!" My heart seems to have increased exponentially in its capacity to love. I never dreamed I could love more than I already did, but I do. Since my diagnosis of cancer, I've been able to see things so differently and to love more profoundly than ever before. It's amazing and I'm thankful. My soul has changed too. Cancer has changed me, and for the better. I just didn't "get it" before...but now I do. I feel like I've found a wonderful, mysterious secret that I'd never know before. Who would have thought that it would take a deadly disease to make me understand...certainly not me, but oh, how I see so much more clearly now.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Time to call in reinforcements

I don't even know where to begin...it's been a really rough week...and I thought I was doing so well. I know I told you I wasn't going to post until Monday but I just had to post today...I promised you I would keep it "real."

Yesterday was probably the lowest day I've had since finding out I had Breast Cancer. I spent most of the day crying and feeling worthless. I was able to hide how I was feeling from my youngest daughter, Jamie, who calls me several times a day...but, when my oldest daughter, Erin, called...the dam broke. I don't really know what she said that triggered it and that doesn't really matter; all that matters is that I realized that I was in big trouble. I was depressed. I was exhausted from not sleeping. I was being bombarded by the enemy and it was time to call in reinforcements.

Erin talked to me for a long time. I don't think she realized, at first, how serious the problem really was, but as we talked...it became increasingly clear to her. She is wise beyond her years, my Erin. She listened and she let me cry it out. I felt so badly for dumping all of my emotion on her...she's only got a couple of weeks left before giving birth to our 8th grandchild...she didn't need this extra added stress...but she let me spill over onto her broad shoulders. The more we talked, the more I saw it. I was sinking into the deep, dark quagmire of depression. This wasn't like me. I'm always so bright and cheerful...so filled with joy. What was going on? What was happening to me?

For months and months I haven't slept. I can't even tell you when the last time I had a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would have been. Every single night I've had to rely on medication to even get a few hours of sleep. My Oncologist told me that I wouldn't heal properly without sleep so he prescribed a sleeping pill. He warned me not to use it for more than 2 weeks at a time because it was addictive. I was afraid to take it. I didn't want to become addicted to anything, but he insisted. The first week of taking it, I slept for about 6 hours a night but woke up several times to either go to the bathroom or readjust my mountain of pillows or turn down the air conditioner or something. After the first week, I felt like the medication was messing with my head...I wasn't remembering things very well and I didn't like feeling out of control, so I stopped taking it and began taking Benadryl instead. Benadryl is non habit forming, they said on TV. Benadryl worked for a few hours and then I was wide awake. I went like that for a couple of weeks and got progressively more tired, and more emotional. Something had to give. Phil was so tired of me tossing and turning all night long. He said I was about to "bounce him off the bed." I apologized. He said, "it's okay, don't worry about it," but I did. It wasn't just about tossing and turning all night...I could deal with that...I'd dealt with it for many, many nights...I was just really tired.

I read about insomnia and ways to combat it. One suggestion was to have a nighttime routine to prepare your mind and body to be ready for sleep. I began dimming the lights in the house an hour before I planned to go to bed. I turned off the TV and went in and turned down the bed. I tried to read for about 30 minutes to relax my body and hopefully drift off to sleep...I did everything the experts suggested but nothing worked. I began to dread going to bed even though I was so tired.  

I knew my body wasn't healing well. My arms continued to swell and I had no appetite whatsoever...that scared me...it's not normal not to be hungry for something...I didn't want anything...I even had to make myself drink water. I tried napping during the day, but I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut off....my thoughts were running rampant through my mind. Every day Phil would come home from work and I would literally fall into his arms and bawl my eyes out because I was so extremely tired. Something had to give and it did...

Sobbing uncontrollably, I listened to Erin as she suggested that my bedtime routine might not be working. Instead of reading, she suggested I write in my journal, dumping all of my thoughts out in one continuous stream of thought...not worrying about grammar...not worrying about filtering anything...just writing...just allowing my thoughts to come forth...just letting them flow. She said I was probably just now being able to process what had actually happened to me since March, now that things had finally slowed down and my radiation treatment was over. That made sense...she was probably right. I hadn't really thought about all I'd been through. I had just been going through the motions...doing what I was told, when I was told. I'd been through a very traumatic experience. My life had been turned totally upside down. Nothing was normal now...everything had changed.

Erin talked to me in a very soft voice...so calming, so reassuring, so filled with love. She seemed to understand exactly what I was feeling...exactly what I was thinking. I know God was giving her the words to say and I was hearing them. I needed to hear them. She was helping me think things through. She suggested I try putting some lavender essential oils on the soles of my feet...lavender is a natural relaxant. I listened. She continued to offer advice and she continued to listen to me pour out my heart. The main thing that hit me was her statement, "you're going to be okay, Mom. It's okay to feel this way." Was I really going to be okay? I thought otherwise...I knew I needed help. I knew I needed reinforcements...that's when I asked for prayer.

I'm a firm believer in prayer. I know the power of prayer. I believe in interceding for others and I needed people to intercede for me. It was time to be raw and real with my friends. It was time to put the pride away and let them know I was really struggling, so I began to reach out. It was late, so I didn't call on the phone, but sent Facebook messages instead. My prayer warriors responded and they began to pray.

At 10:00 p.m., as Phil was watching the end of a TV show, I sat with my journal in another room and recorded one long continuous stream of thought...it filled 3 pages in my journal. I wrote until my hand was cramping and I could write no longer. I felt a little lighter when I finished. At 10:30 p.m. I went into the bedroom and got ready for bed. I put lavender oil on the soles of my feet and slipped on some socks. We adjusted the ceiling fan, turned out the light, and I slid under the down comforter. I offered up a silent prayer, asking God to give me a peaceful night's sleep. I slipped my ear plugs into my ears and slid my eye mask over my eyes. I lay there in silence waiting for sleep to come...and it did.

Around 3:45 a.m. I was awakened by a very vivid dream. I don't remember all of it but in the dream was my daughter, Erin, and myself. We were in a large house somewhere and we were trying to get rid of a snake. I remember distinctly that the snake was a reddish brown pattern and just as she was about to grab it by the tail, it turned and I realized it was a poisonous snake. At that moment in the dream, another snake entwined around the reddish brown snake and although I don't remember seeing it in my dream, I just knew the second snake was going to crush and kill the first snake.

As I got up to go to the bathroom, I realized that dream I'd just had was a spiritual warfare dream....and yes, I do believe in symbolism. God was showing me that my prayer warriors and I were doing battle with the forces of darkness...

I was able to go back to sleep and woke to the sun rising just before 8:00 a.m. I glanced over at Phil, who was sound asleep. I quietly slipped into my robe and gently padded barefoot into my office. I wanted to write about my night.

For some reason, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I feel like my nights of sleeplessness are finally over. I feel at peace and I feel rested today and that is a huge blessing! I know my prayer warriors are to thank for their intercession on my behalf.

For some, the power of prayer  has never been unlocked. They believe prayer is just a quick few rote sentences offered before a meal or before bed, but for those of us who have experienced answered prayer...we know that prayer is very powerful and very serious. Prayer is communication with Almighty God...the God who loves us and wants to help us. When we pray, we acknowledge Him...His power and His presence.

It wasn't a coincidence that I had a spiritual warfare dream after asking my friends to pray. Satan always tries to cause deception and confusion. He doesn't want us understand or to tap into the resource of prayer. I know from personal experience throughout my life that God does hear and does answer prayer. It may not always be the way we want Him to respond, but He does respond. Sometimes He answers yes, sometimes it's no, and sometimes it's wait.

I am thankful for faithful friends who share my prayer needs. I am also thankful for the right as sons and daughters of the Most High God that we can come boldly before the throne and present our requests without fear or hesitation. God longs for us to come to Him. He longs to commune with us and all we have to do is open our mouths and speak...

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (New King James Bible)

"And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." 1 John 5:15 (New American Standard Bible)