A little bit Grinchy

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized today is December 10th...that means Christmas is only fifteen days away! Fifteen days! If I were feeling like my old self, the crafty, creative, person I once used to be...I'd be busy...very, very busy. I'd be baking and knitting and shopping galore, I'd be wrapping and packing and crafting some more. I'd be hanging up tinsel and things on the tree, I'd be happy and merry and laughing with glee. But Christmas this year has been quite a chore...at least I did hang a wreath on the door. My tree is put up and the lights twinkle nicely, but something is wrong, my heart feels quite "ice-ly." I'm achy and cranky and not quite like ME. I think I'm a Grinch, though I don't want to be! Why can't this year be like all the years past? Where things went so smoothly and life was a blast? This year should be special and different you say? But let's face reality, we can, if we may.............okay, I've run out of rhymes, so here's the truth...

Though I can't do what I once did in the past. I've done what I could. When my family comes to visit on Christmas day, hopefully they'll realize things had to be different this year. All my "want to-s" didn't quite make it into action. Instead of getting all tangled up in long lines at the store, Amazon offered a very viable option for me. With the help of the postal service, the gifts I chose were delivered right to my door. There's a lot less to wrap and put under the tree, but this year is different, so very different, you see.

I have been feeling a little Grinchy lately. I've felt like I just wanted to scoop up all of the trappings of Christmas and store them away. It's very overwhelming to feel like I have to perform as I have in years past, especially since it's only been 5 months since my surgery. My body is still healing. It reminds me daily. I'm not as young as I used to be and I'm not as energetic either and that's okay. At least I'm still here and I can celebrate with my family and that's all that matters. My tiny Grinch heart is growing bigger by the minute, I can feel it!

But there’s hope for all of us Grinches. In Dr. Seuss’ story, the Grinch was amazed to discover that despite his attempts to stop Christmas, it “came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes and bags.” He learned a lesson seemingly lost on many of us: “Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas … perhaps … means a little bit more.”
Suddenly, the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes bigger. He turned from his grinchy ways. He brought back all the presents he had stolen and every Who down in Whoville forgave him. They gave the Grinch the seat of honor at their Christmas feast and even let him carve the roast beast.

Perhaps as the next few weeks go by, I'll find that my "Grinchiness" has disappeared. I have so much to be thankful for this year and not only do I want to shift my focus from what I can't do to what I can, I want to let the main thing be the main thing. Christmas isn't about gifts, boxes, and bows. It doesn't matter if my home looks amazing with all of the "Better Homes and Garden's" type decorations everywhere. It's about the birth of our Savior, Jesus, and that's what we celebrate. We celebrate the most wonderful gift of all...the gift that doesn't come from a store...oh, no...the gift that means just a little bit more.

©bonnie annis all right reserved

Heart and soul

Waiting for a new grandchild to arrive is very stressful, especially when you're almost 2000 miles away, but waiting teaches us patience, right? I guess I'm the most impatient person in the world because God is continually working on that area of my life. My oldest daughter went into labor yesterday morning and now, almost 27 hours later, we still have no grandchild. I would be lying if I didn't say I was concerned, she's already had 3 Cesarean sections and two of her previous three births were breech. I feel so helpless...all I can do is pray.

On the way to the cardiologist's office for my followup appointment, I prayed. I asked God to guide the hands of the midwife and all those helping my daughter during the birthing process. I prayed for my sweet daughter, that God would give her strength to endure the difficult labor pains, and I prayed for my unborn grandchild...for God to take care of and bless that little one. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving, for the miracle of life. I prayed prayers of gratitude that our family was growing once again, but most of all, I prayed that I would be instrumental in helping to guide this new life into a saving knowledge of the Lord, Jesus Christ one day.

At that doctor's office, as I sat on the examination table, I listened as the doctor went over the recent test results with me. The stress test and the echocardiogram revealed I was still experiencing PVC'S (premature ventricular contractions.) The cardiologist wasn't as concerned about my enlarged right ventricle as he was with the PVC's so he decided to change my medication and wants me to wear a heart monitor to record the number of PVC'S and their frequency. I'm glad he's diligent to protect my heart. I was also thankful he gave me the okay to walk again. I haven't had the energy to do much of anything lately. It will feel good to get back on the treadmill and when the weather is a little warmer, I can start hiking again!

Today is the first day since my surgery that I've actually felt almost normal...not quite, but almost. I guess this "new normal" is going to take some getting used to and though it's not like the old normal, maybe I can find a way to adapt to the way things are now.

It's hard to believe it's been almost 8 months since I first found the mass in my right breast.  In just the blink of an eye, my heart and soul have changed. My heart has experienced physical changes, but more importantly, emotional changes. I feel almost like the Grinch on Christmas day, when his heart was changed...."And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!" My heart seems to have increased exponentially in its capacity to love. I never dreamed I could love more than I already did, but I do. Since my diagnosis of cancer, I've been able to see things so differently and to love more profoundly than ever before. It's amazing and I'm thankful. My soul has changed too. Cancer has changed me, and for the better. I just didn't "get it" before...but now I do. I feel like I've found a wonderful, mysterious secret that I'd never know before. Who would have thought that it would take a deadly disease to make me understand...certainly not me, but oh, how I see so much more clearly now.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved