Art therapy and writing class

Today was Cancer Wellness Center day for me. On Thursdays, they offer an art therapy class and a writing class. I've been trying to make myself get out and attend the classes because I know it's good for me to have fellowship with other ladies. It's fun to be around them and just enjoy laughing and talking with them. Even though the classes are a fun, creative outlet, I'm amazed at what they bring out of me emotionally.

Today we worked on another tissue paper mosaic. Tearing the colored pieces of tissue paper was monotonous, but while we were preparing our medium, we had some good conversation. I got to know a couple of the ladies a little better as we talked and found out that I was the youngest one in the class. I was surprised about that. The other ladies looked about my age but they were in their mid 60's and 70's.

We worked for about an hour and a half tearing and gluing, gluing and tearing...making a water scene from blues, purples, blacks, and greens. They we added in some oranges and yellows for reflections of leaves. As we were working, I realized I wasn't thinking about anything except putting the next piece of tissue paper on my canvas. It was so relaxing and methodical.

Before I knew it, it was time to clean up. Art class was over and we were told we'd finish up next week. Where did the time go? It had flown by! There were jiblets of tissue paper all over the tables and on the floor. Spatterings of glue were flecked here and there. I took a sponge of hot water and began wiping up my area. After it was clean, I left for lunch.

One of the other ladies asked me to join her for lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I had no idea where it was, so I followed her there. It was a nice, open area with a salad bar, hot bar, drinks and desserts. I opted for a salad since I'm trying to eat healthier. During lunch, we talked about our diagnoses and treatment. I don't guess I'll ever be able to get away from having to share my journey.

Lunch ended and it was time for writing class. It was a small class today, just the instructor, myself and another woman. The journaling prompts were pulled out again and I chose the first one from the jar. It was a thought provoking prompt and we all got busy writing. It was fun to hear the different thoughts as we each read our journaling aloud. It's funny to me how we could all hear the same prompt and all have very different opinions as to where it should go and how the story should end, but that's what makes writing so unique.

We worked on several journaling prompts and then listened as the therapist read from the book, The Song of the Bird, again. I don't like that book very much because it's so New Age, but the therapist likes to use it for some reason.  I tried to weave my faith into this assignment to counter the New Age principals. Hopefully, the therapist will come to know and respect the fact that I'm a devout Christian.

When class was over, I said my goodbyes and headed home. In the car, I realized I was pretty tired. I don't understand how it takes so much out of me every week to just drive to and from class and be at the wellness center for 4 hours. I keep wondering when I'm going to get my strength back.

Through generous donors, the cancer wellness center can offer programs that cater to women going through different stages of healing. I'm so thankful for those people who give so generously so we can reap the benefits. I'm building up quite a portfolio of artwork and my creative writing skills are growing exponentially! Maybe one day, I'll get that book written...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Creative therapy

 I've been struggling lately with getting out of the house and doing something...anything. I've become so comfortable just being here with me, myself and I all day long every day. I can do what I want when I want without any disruption, but I know it's not healthy to isolate myself...so, I decided to make myself do something.

The hospital near me has a Cancer Wellness Center and they offer classes at no cost to breast cancer patients and survivors. My Oncologist told me about it right after I was diagnosed and I was scared to death to walk down the hallway to see where the classes were even held. If my oldest daughter hadn't been with me, I'm sure I would not have gone to see it at all, but she insisted telling me it would be good for me.

Several months passed after that first visit to the wellness center and she kept asking me if I'd gone to any classes yet. I had to respond that I hadn't. She kept prodding me, telling me to try it but I was afraid to go alone to a place where I knew no one. I didn't want to go, but I promised her I'd go at least once and so I did.

My first visit was okay. There weren't a lot of people there. I was very nervous and tried to fit in as best I could. The ladies were nice but not overly friendly. It was apparent they had known each other for some time and had their own little cliques. I wondered if I'd ever fit in. When I left that first day, I didn't think I would be back. I had kept my promise and that was all I felt I needed to do.

Since the beginning of the year, I'd promised myself that I'd be brave...that I'd try something new. I really needed to be around other people and the only people I knew here were medical staff...I didn't want to be around them unless I had to be!

Last night, I sent my daughter a text and told her I needed a cheerleader...I needed her to encourage me to go to the wellness center. She responded with several texts filled with verses of Scripture that reminded me to be brave and courageous. I went to bed thinking I'd give it a try if I felt good enough in the morning.

This morning, after waking up from one of the best night's sleep I'd had in months, I decided to go to the center. Today was art therapy day and afterwards, there was a creative writing class. I loved both of those things so I thought it would be a good day for me to venture out.

I ate breakfast and then checked the clock. It was a little before 8.  I hurried to get a shower and then got dressed and put on a fresh coat of makeup. I looked in the mirror and started to feel shaky. I wasn't feeling very brave...but wait! I had my lions! I'd collected a small brood of lions since my diagnosis. Friends had sent them to me to remind me to be brave while going through treatment. They had been my constant companions as I'd worked through radiation treatments for 7 weeks, I knew they could help me now too.

I went into the bedroom and gathered them up in my arms. "Come on guys," I said, as I whisked them into the front seat of my car. I glanced at the clock, it was almost 9:30 a.m. Traffic was a little heavier than normal but I pressed on, determined not to be late.

When I arrived at the hospital, the parking lot was extremely full. I parked in the first space available and walked about a block to the front door of the wellness center. I took the elevator up and took a deep breath as I reached my floor. The door opened and I made a b-line for the bathroom, nerves, I guess. After I composed myself, I went down the long corridor to a set of glass doors that led to the classrooms.

I entered the classroom and NO ONE was there! I started to freak out but then noticed it was not quite 10 a.m. ...maybe I was just early and others would come soon. I noticed that the room was fairly dark, so I began opening the blinds to let in the morning light...that was much better, I thought to myself and sat down at a round table.

Gayle, the art therapist

Promptly at 10 a.m. the art therapist came into the room. She introduced herself to me again. Her name was Gayle and she remembered me from my very first visit...I was surprised! She started pulling out supplies for the class and I volunteered to help. We sat up a table and got everything ready as other ladies came into the room. Each one told me her name and a little about herself.

We got started with our project and soon, I was immersed in what I was doing. I totally forgot about what was going on around me. I was so busy making my mosaic and getting it just the way I wanted it. It was so nice not to have to think about anything other than what I was doing at that very moment.

Time went by so quickly and soon it was noon, time for lunch. I went downstairs to the new cafe and ordered a sandwich. It was so beautiful outside. I chose to sit in the sunshine. There was a small picnic area set up in between buildings and it looked so inviting.

When lunch was over, I headed back up to class. The creative writing class was a very small group. I guess not many ladies enjoy writing. I was kind of glad because I prefer to be in a small group. Since this was my first writing class at the center, I didn't know what to expect. The art therapist pulled out a mason jar filled with slips of paper and asked me to pick one. As I read it, I saw that it had a journaling prompt on it. Each of us would now take the prompt and write from it.

Gayle gave us a certain amount of time to complete our assignment. When we were done, she asked if anyone wanted to read portions of their work. When she asked me, I was nervous, but agreed to read my writings. Everyone in the class was amazed. They asked me to read my work again. I was shaky and wondered why they wanted to hear my work read aloud once again. After reading, they all told me I had wonderful talent and that I should write professionally. I explained that this was a lifelong dream but I'd never pursued it. I felt honored to hear their words of praise.

I was thankful I'd made myself go to the classes. It was very cathartic and I could actually feel the stress leaving my body. It was also nice to be around other people. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it.

Next week will be easier since I know some of the ladies. I'm actually looking forward to the classes and can't wait to see what type of things we'll do.

I felt a little silly writing about this topic today, but I wanted to share my vulnerability with you. I don't just struggle with my physical appearance, I struggle emotionally too. Breast cancer can really do a number on your self esteem. I know it has on mine, but I'm fighting hard to get it back to a new normal.

Working on our mosaics

I'm so thankful to have my own personal cheering section! My daughters know me so well and they can tell when I'm fearful. Grownups aren't supposed to be afraid of little things like going out in public, are they? I was never afraid before surgery so I don't know why I am now. Hopefully things will get better with time. I did actually have a lot of fun today and I know that it was really good medicine.


© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Be brave and courageous

Paul Cezanne's Three Pears

Be brave and courageous...those were the words I heard echoing in my mind this morning as I was waking. Today was the day they offered art therapy at the cancer wellness center. I pushed the thought into the back of my mind and went about my morning. 

I grabbed a protein shake for breakfast and went into my office to read a few emails. As I sat at my computer, I kept feeling like I was supposed to go to art therapy today...TODAY. I had wanted to go for some time but had never had enough courage to drive into town and participate in a class with complete strangers. I didn't think I was ready...not yet...but I kept hearing, "be strong and courageous." The words seemed to keep time with the rhythm of my heart, getting stronger and faster minute by minute. "Okay! I get it," I said out loud as I walked into my bedroom and threw off my robe.

It took several minutes to wiggle into my compression sleeves but after I got them up and into place, I quickly dressed. I didn't know if the ladies in the group would dress casually or semi-casually, so I opted for a pair of black pants, a black tank, and a black button down shirt. I slipped into my shoes and went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. Skillfully I applied a light coat of foundation, a dusting of powder, some blush, a little eye makeup, and my lipstick. I stepped back and looked at myself. I didn't look artistic at all. Oh bother! Why am I even getting ready to go? I could just stay home and work around the house...then I heard those words again, "be strong and courageous."

I gathered my purse, keys, and phone and headed out the door. It was 9:30 a.m. I opened the garage door and slid into my car. As I cranked it up, I turned on the radio. A pastor was talking about courage...coincidental? I think not. Driving out of my driveway, I wondered what on earth I was doing. Mindlessly, I drove to the hospital, parked my car, and got out. All of a sudden I was overcome with panic. "Be strong and courageous," an almost audible voice whispered in my mind.

The up button on the elevator lit up a brilliant blue. As the doors slid open, two smiling women glanced my way. I returned the smile and stepped onto the elevator, as I reached inside the door to press number 3. The elevator was empty by the time I arrived at the third floor. I stepped off gingerly and took a deep breath. As I turned to go down the long hallway to the wellness center, I could feel my heart beating inside my chest...LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB..............
BE...STRONG...AND...COURAGEOUS...

The door to the wellness center was heavier than I thought. As I struggled against its weight, I finally managed to open it, inside were two women. The older of the two women looked at me. I told her my name and said I was there for the art therapy class. She explained that the class normally started at 10:00 a.m. but today, it wouldn't start until 10:30 a.m. I drew in a breath and told her I'd left my phone in my car and that I was going to go down and get it. Quickly, I left the room and hurried down the hallway back to the elevator.

When I reached my car, I wanted to just get in and leave but that would be the coward's way out...I had to do this. I'd been couped up in my house since surgery. It was time to do something! It was time to make some new friends! "Be strong and courageous...."

When I got back up to the wellness center, several other women had arrived. The art teacher introduced me to them and had us all sit down. "Today, we're going to learn about Paul Cezanne, the famous French artist." I looked around the room and saw women of various ages intently watching the PowerPoint presentation. I was the only one without both breasts.

After the presentation was over, the art therapist handed us each a sheet of watercolor paper. She pointed to the picture of Cezanne's "Three Pears" on the computer screen and said, "this is what we're going to paint today." The picture looked very simple...three pears lying on a dish in very muted shades of pale green. The women in the class exclaimed how easy it looked but the art therapist begged to differ.

Bonnie Annis' Three Pears

Each student sat with art supplies in front of her. I was thankful to be in the center of the room where I could see the instructor easily. I watched as she explained the techniques warning us to let the paint flow in the direction it wanted to go...to "just let the paint do it's thing." Since I'd never painted with watercolors before, I wanted to make sure I listened well to the instructor. I had been interested in learning watercolor painting but had never had the chance. Wasn't that just like God...to give me one of my heart's desires for being obedient to His command to be brave and courageous? I smiled to myself and wondered if He was smiling too.

We worked for about an hour and a half on our paintings. The instructor said we'd done well. She asked us to put away our supplies and join her for an impromptu luncheon. She'd baked several quiches and some french bread. She'd brought some brie and crackers along with various types of olives. To complete the meal, she'd included a lovely bottle of Pinot Grigio and some French chocolates.

Sitting around the tables, we enjoyed our meal and some small talk. I was able to visit with several of the women and learn a little about each of them. As I stood to say my goodbyes, one of the women asked if I would be coming back next week...she said there was a writing class immediately after the art therapy session and she hoped I'd come.

Most people don't know that I am very shy. I have always tried to hide it. It was hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and go to the cancer wellness center today but I'm thankful I did. It felt good to be able to meet some new people. It felt good to be around women who understood what it felt like to have breast cancer. It felt good to be able to talk freely about surgeries, treatments, and medications but also just to know it was a safe place to open up about my feelings.

I'm thankful I listened to those words, "be strong and courageous," this morning as I got up out of bed. I do believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to step out in faith. Even though the art therapy class didn't require anything other than my willingness to go and participate, I know God had my best interests at heart. He knew I really wanted to go but was afraid of going. He knew I wanted to make new friends and He knew I would enjoy it once I got there an learned to open up a little. He knew it was where I needed to be. I am so glad He cares about me enough to speak to my heart. How often do we let fear rule our lives? If I hadn't been willing to be obedient, I would never have received the blessing God had in store for me today...I would have missed it.

There's a quotation I read once that says, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." ~ Jim Morrison. Satan uses fear to hold us captive but in the Bible, it says, "for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. Why was I so afraid of going today? I think it was just a fear of the unknown and feeling insecure. Satan tried to keep me from going because he knew God wanted me to learn courage. Is there something you fear? Is there something God's been prompting you do to? Have you heard those little whisperings to be brave and courageous? It's okay to feel unsure of yourself in new situations or circumstances but don't let fear hold you captive. God wants us to live and walk in freedom.

One last quote I want to share with you. It's from the book, Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne and in the story, Winnie the Pooh, the wonderful, loveable, teddy bear is talking with his best friend, Piglet, a cute little pink pig...this is what he says - “... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I hope you'll hold onto that thought. I know I sure will!


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The canvas reveals something deeper

Months ago, a friend of mine gave me a stack of blank canvases that she'd received as a donation from Michael's. She had the entire trunk of her car filled with craft supplies and told me that every time she visited her local craft store, they loaded her up. She laughed and exclaimed that her bald head must have something to do with it; you see, she had breast cancer too.

Yesterday, I was in a creative mood. I saw the stack of blank canvases lying on the table in my office and picked up a few of them. Grabbing my acrylic paints and brushes, I carried everything into the kitchen and spread them out on the table. The blank canvases stared at me for a long time. They were so plain and so white. As I sat there looking back at them, I wondered what I should paint. Glancing out the window, I received my inspiration. Beautiful trees surrounded our property and the colors of Fall were at their peak. The yellows, reds, oranges, greens, and browns were stunning. That's it, I thought to myself, I'll paint a tree.

I don't really consider myself an artist, but art has been good therapy for me since I've been recovering. As I paint, knit, crochet, or sew, I can lose myself in my crafting. I don't focus on anything other than what I'd doing at the time. I can be creative and express myself.

The canvases were small 11x14 sizes, so I decided to use 3 canvases to create a picture collage. On the first canvas, I lay down my background color and then switched over to the next canvas. I put a different background color on each canvas, then stepped back to see if they were pleasing to the eye. I liked the complimentary colors of the three canvases and went to work painting half of the tree on one canvas and half on another canvas. I did not purposely try to make the halves of the tree symmetrical, but after completing the sides of the tree, they were almost mirror images of one another. I added details to the tree bark and slipped in multicolored leaves. I was enjoying myself as I became lost in what I was doing. The third canvas, with a deep burgundy background,  would hold the roots to the tree. I decided to turn the canvas sideways so it fit nicely under the grouping of the other two canvases. As I began to paint the roots, the darkness of the tangled roots began to grow taking up almost the entire canvas.

I continued to brush in the roots of the tree and as I was working, a Scripture in Hebrews came to mind. This happens to me quite often and sometimes, I wonder if anyone else has the same thing happen to them. "Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled." (Hebrews 12:14-15). The mass of tangled roots were ugly and dark. Just like the seed of bitterness can be in someone's life.

The seed of bitterness...what exactly were they? As I thought more about it, I realized that a seed of bitterness comes directly from a hurt that has been harbored deep in the heart. The hurt could have been something done intentionally to a person, or it could have been something done unintentionally but in any event, the hurt was there...and the longer the hurt was left unattended, the more it would fester and grow. It would germinate.

I looked at my painting. The lovely Fall colors were so vibrant and pretty. The tree looked so sturdy and strong, but then there were the ugly roots...roots of bitterness. Did I have any roots of bitterness growing in my heart? I thought about the roots. Roots are underground and they are hidden from view. If I beheld any bitterness in my heart, it wouldn't be visible to anyone else unless they saw evidence of it. I could have roots of bitterness festering deep inside myself and no one would ever know unless I allowed the bitterness to overflow from my heart by anger, hurtful words, or hatefulness.

The more I stood there, the more I thought. Yes, I'd been hurt by many people in my life. Had I forgiven them all? Did I know my heart well enough to be able to say yes? No, I didn't. The Bible says the heart is deceitfully wicked, who can know it? The only way I could know clearly if I held any bitterness in my heart was to ask God to reveal it to me. If He revealed anything to me, the next thing I'd need was His grace to remove the hurt and bitterness. I knew I wouldn't be able to remove it myself.

Was I angry at God? Had I allowed a root of bitterness to form in my heart at God? I was hurt and angry that He'd allowed cancer into my life but I'd come to terms with it, or so I thought. Had I truly accepted God's sovereignty over my life?

I don't think it was a coincidence that I had painted this tree with the massive root system. I've been reading the book, The Bait of Satan, by John Bevere, and in that book, Mr. Bevere helps his readers understand the way Satan uses offenses to cause us to fall into the sin of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness and bitterness go hand in hand. Was God trying to emphasize something to me?

As I finished up my painting and washed my brushes clean, I could almost hear God whisper to my heart, "You have some roots of bitterness you need to deal with, my child." I put my art supplies away and took my Bible from the shelf. I read Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I know in the next few days, He will reveal to me any unforgiveness or bitterness I've harbored. When He does, I'll intentionally forgive and release those hurts from my heart. I'll allow His perfect grace and mercy to flood my soul and cleanse it, replacing the hurt with His love. 

It's so important to forgive quickly. When I was first married, my great Aunt gave me a set of sheets as a wedding gift. Along the top edge of the sheets she had written, " Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." Ephesians 4:26. I'll never forget how I felt when I first saw those sheets. They were a beautiful, pale shade of sun-kissed yellow. Though it's been almost 40 years since I unfolded her sweet gift and placed them on my bed, I can still see her beautiful penmanship in my mind. What a sweet reminder to always be quick to forgive and slow to anger. In so doing, we can keep those little seeds of bitterness from ever taking root in our heart. 

I glanced down at the 3 canvases lying on my kitchen table. I'd completed my collage and I was pleased. It amazes me how God can use the simplest of things to speak to my heart on a daily basis. He used those roots to illuminate my heart. Do you have any unconfessed hurts or roots of bitterness in your heart today? You can't discover them on your own. The only way you can know is to ask God to reveal them to you. When He does, be quick to forgive, forget, and release those harbored hurts into His loving arms of grace. You don't want your heart to ever hide roots of bitterness. Even one tiny root can cause great devastation and destruction in your life. 

Evidence of a root of bitterness include hypersensitivity, a critical spirit, holding grudges, inability to forgive, mood swings, and even depression. A root of bitterness will affect you not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." (Ephesians 4:31) Bitterness is like an acid slowly destroying the container that holds it. Don't let bitterness take root in your heart. If someone hurts you, quickly forgive them. Sometimes they may not even know they hurt you, so be sure to check your spirit. Don't give Satan the bait to allow you to hold onto an offense. When you release the offender and let it go, you free yourself too.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved