Little pricks

This past summer, my daughter gave me several plants. Among them was a cute little cactus. I've never owned a cactus and I was happy to try my hand at raising a succulent. I've taken good care of my little cactus and have watched it grow over the past few months. When the weather turned cold, I brought it inside to keep it warm, after all, succulents thrive in warm environments, right? I took my little cactus and placed him in the sunniest spot in the house hoping he'd be happy there and left him to bask in the sunlight.

A few days ago, when some of my family came to visit, I went to move my cactus. I didn't want my little granddaughter to reach up and touch it now that she was tall enough to see over the table top. I had several plants all grouped together in that one sunny spot, so I began moving them one by one. When it came time for me to move the cactus, somehow I tripped and sent the plant flying through the air. As I reached to catch it, instead of grabbing the plant by the pot, I grabbed it by the head of the plant which was covered with tiny little needles. Immediately I felt intense shooting pain! The sharp little needles had embedded themselves into my fingers. Have you ever seen one of those cartoons where the dog runs into a cactus and immediately pulls back with his snout all covered in prickly needles? That's exactly how I felt! One minute everything was fine and the next minute it was complete chaos!

I ran to get a pair of tweezers while holding my needle encrusted hand limply as I hurried. My daughter was kind enough to take the tweezers from me and begin the process of removing every tiny little needle one by one. Those little suckers hurt! It took all I could do to keep from crying and I had to bite my lip to keep from shouting out expletives. After several minutes, the last cactus needle was removed from my hand. I was amazed at how something so tiny, almost invisible to the eye, could hurt so much.

Wondering why cacti have needles, I began searching on the internet. I found out that the needles are actually called spikes and they are a protective part of the cactus plant. Since cacti contain water, the needles or spikes, protect the plant from predatory animals who may come seeking a drink. They also provide shade for the cactus. Cacti were created by God to be incredibly sturdy, thriving in harsh environmental conditions. They usually grow in dry arid places and where temperatures vary from extreme heat during the day to extreme cold at night. These and other conditions are some of the hardships cacti bear. I was amazed at all I learned about cacti. 

As I pondered all that I'd learned about cacti, I realized my life was very similar to that of a cactus, especially this year. I had been through extremely harsh conditions with my breast cancer. I had put up my protective wall of needles at first to keep people at bay. I did not want to be touched for fear of being physically harmed. As my body was healing, I had to protect myself. It was too risky to be vulnerable. I had to keep my tough exterior up...I had to let everyone know that I was okay. But soon I learned I could let down my guard. I learned it was okay to cry. I lowered my protective wall of needles and let others in to help me and when I did, they surrounded me with their love. Not only did my family and friends love me despite my tough exterior, God loved me too. I experienced times of spiritual dryness and but also times of a spiritual monsoon. Many times I felt forgotten and alone but other times, I felt so very close to God. I had not shriveled up and died in the heat, the stressful hard times of my recovery instead, I had managed to stay alive. Not only did I stay alive, I thrived. All those prickly little needles from my cactus plant hurt tremendously, but they reminded me that my life, like the cactus, had managed to thrive even in the toughest conditions. 

My little cactus is a daily reminder that God has allowed me to suffer this year, not only from those prickly little cactus needles sticking me all over my fingers, but through the ordeal of cancer. In His Word, I am reminded too, that my suffering won't last forever. It will be used for reasons that only God can conceive and understand. The length of time He allows me to continue on in this trial is up to Him, but I know after it's all said and done, I'll be perfected and made stronger. His Word tells me this is true and I can't help but believe!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.

1 Peter 5:10

Where's my happiness?

Most of my readers know I've drastically cut down on my writing. Instead of blogging once a day, I cut it down to once a week and now I feel like I don't have anything to say at all. Perhaps it's just writer's block or perhaps it's just the sheer frustration of having to sit down at the computer and try to come up with something witty to say. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Something is different in me. Since my surgery, I don't feel the same. Something has drastically changed. I notice it. My husband notices it and those who know me well notice it. I can't pinpoint what it is but it's something. I've always been so happy go lucky. I've always been gung ho to plan something on the spur of the moment. I was the one who took chances. Now I feel strangely different.

There's a movie my children and grandchildren love to watch at Christmas. It's called "Noel." The movie is about a red shiny Christmas ornament named Noel. Noel lives in a box with other glass ornaments but something is very different about him...he's always full of happiness. When the other ornaments in the box gripe and complain at being taken out year after year and hung on the tree, Noel is always excited. When the lid on her box is lifted and he is gently removed from his home Noel squeals with glee. The story continues year after year with new families coming to live in the house where Noel's box of ornaments reside. Over the years, the ornaments receive chips and dings when not handled with care. Some of the ornaments are broken and discarded. Noel, survives throughout years and years of families who hang her on the tree at Christmas. But one year, he falls from the tree and breaks. As he falls, he lands right at the foot of the Christmas tree and sees a tiny nativity scene. It is there that Noel realizes something is vastly wonderful and different. As he breaks into many shattered piece of glass, his inner happiness is released and he flies off into oblivion content to be happy and fulfilled inside. As he glides away, he says, "my name is Noel and I have a happiness!" That movie, with its simple message of Christmas joy, continues to be one of my grandchildren's favorites. Perhaps it's because Noel is always positive, always happy no matter what his circumstances are...he just keeps smiling.

As I thought about Noel today, I realized maybe my happiness is missing. This is the time of year I love most. I love decorating. I love seeing Christmas plays. I love singing carols. I love being in church and celebrating Christ's birth. Why do I feel so blah? I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I stay holed up in my house. I still feel so self conscious about not having my breasts. I know I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. How long does it take for this feeling of hopelessness to pass? Why am I letting my lack of breasts dictate my life? I don't have answers. I am very frustrated.

This past weekend, some of my very dear friends drove all the way from Lawrenceville to see us. We don't get to see them often, but when we do it is such a joy. We met for lunch and exchanged Christmas gifts. We had a very nice time but I wasn't my usual chipper self. After lunch, my friend wanted to go shopping. Normally, I would have been eager to go but this time, I wasn't. We did go into one craft store together but instead of looking all through the store like I used to do, I just got what I needed and left. I know my friends must have been baffled at my lack of enthusiasm for shopping, especially at this time of year, but I just wasn't up to it. Even after 4 1/2 months, my body still hurts. I can't seem to get used to the physical limitations. I'm finding I have to take breaks often. Another cancer survivor told me I would have to learn to listen to my body. It's hard to hear your body say, "Get me out of here...I'm ready to give up." It's really challenging to be in constant pain. I feel like Noel when he off the tree and shattered.

I'm not a negative person. It hurts me to be writing this post today, because the people who know me well know I'm not like this. I'm trying, really I am. I've decorated my house for Christmas, although it is a far cry from what I have always done in the past...but I did try. I haven't wanted to go out to shop...not once. I did order a few things on the internet for my Texas grands, but that's it.

My happiness is still deep inside of me. I know I haven't lost it completely, but it isn't the same as it once was...this Christmas will be very different for me. I know when the kids and grandkids come to visit, they'll bring their wonderful energy and joy. They'll fill the house up with happiness that I'm missing right now. Maybe that little boost of enthusiasm will spark something deep inside and allow my happiness to flow free again.

Please don't misunderstand, my happiness comes from Jesus and I know I'll never lose that but I'm just having a tough time this year. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I need to give myself more time for my body to heal and begin to feel better. Maybe things will be very different in another month or two...I sure hope so.

Watch Noel Part 1
Watch Noel Part 2

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

An unexpected birthday present

Yesterday was my birthday. This year was more special than most because, I really was thankful to be having a birthday...yes, I was another year older, but I was thankful! I was thankful that I made it to this birthday, because in March, when I found the mass in my breast, I thought surely I would die this year....after all, when we hear the word CANCER don't we immediately associate it with the word DEATH? I know I did. So that's why I was so thankful...I was ALIVE AND NOT DEAD!

The day turned out to be a a good day. Nothing exciting happened really, it was just a peace filled day...that is, until the mail came. Amid the cards, letters, and bills, was a small package. When I opened the package, I was disappointed at this unexpected "present"...a bottle of Tamoxifen.Tamoxifen is a Breast Cancer medication that has been around for about 30 years. It's become the drug of choice for doctors to prescribe for pre-menopausal women with Breast Cancer but for post-menopausal women, like myself, aromatase inhibitors are used instead.

I had been taking an aromatase inhibitor called Arimidex as adjuvant therapy for the Breast Cancer after radiation and surgery. Five to ten years, is what I was told...I'd be taking medication for five to ten...sounded a little like a prison sentence, but hey...you have to do what you have to do to live, don't you? When the Arimidex started making me have really weird symptoms, like mood swings and deep depression, I called the Oncologist. He had me stop taking it immediately and told me to stay off of it for 4 weeks to allow my body to completely get rid of any residual medication. So I did. I thought that was that...no more meds...boy, was I wrong!

I've felt pretty good other than fighting constant fatigue, insomnia, and the Lymphedema. It's been nice not having to deal with the side effects from medication. I don't think I could have made it through those hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and the bone pain much longer. I've enjoyed my mini vacation from medication and wish I could continue forever, but I have to face reality.

It's frustrating knowing that in a couple of weeks, I'll have to start on medication once again. Every single anti-hormone therapy medication has a long list of side effects. To say I'm anxious about starting another one is an understatement. I don't relish the thought of being a medical guinea pig again. Why can't I just do nothing? Why can't I try natural things like going Vegan? Hmmm...I guess that's where trust comes in...I have to learn to trust my doctor and trust that he knows a whole lot more than I do when it comes to treating Cancer.

But how can medication that is known to cause blood clots, strokes, cataracts, hair loss, etc. be a good choice for someone who's already gone through the trauma of having both breasts removed and lymph nodes too? It doesn't make much sense to me, but then, I guess that's why he's the doctor and I'm not. Where do you draw the line though? When do you say enough is enough? It seems I have more questions than answers right now...

My unexpected present wasn't much of a gift after all, that is, unless it prolongs my life...if it can do that, then it will be a wonderful blessing. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...trial and error...that's all I can do. I guess if worse comes to worse, Dr. Feinstein will just have to take me off of this medication and try another. I should be thankful there are medications available to keep the Cancer at bay. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth...no! I'll do as I'm told and hope for the best.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

Practicing His Presence

I read a blog post the other day that really touched my heart. It was written by another breast cancer survivor, but this woman has terminal stage 4 cancer...hers is much more advanced than mine. She realizes that she celebrates the final moments of her life and as she prepares for Christmas with her family, she's decided, like so many of us with cancer, that this year should be more about presence than presents. In her post, she talks about how the holiday trappings can rob us of our joy if we let it, and I agree with her. Stressing over finding the perfect present is not how I want to spend my Christmas, especially this year. As someone diagnosed with cancer, it's hard not to focus on wondering will this be my last Christmas? Of course, she has much more reason to think that way than I do, since I'm only stage 2B instead of stage 4 but still, it is in the back of our minds. Every moment becomes precious as time ticks quickly by.

Holidays past were filled with Christmas baking and wrapping and shopping. All those things were lots of work and yes, they did bring their own special joy with them but, as a cancer survivor, it's funny how your perspective changes. The materialistic side of Christmas doesn't matter to me any longer, I want something more. I want His presence instead of presents.

In reading my Bible this morning, I was reminded that I shouldn't focus on the past. It's so easy to compare holidays year after year, isn't it? I miss those chaotic, busy Christmases of years gone by, but this year, a quiet Christmas will be nice....a Christmas where I can focus on the main thing...Jesus. 

This year has been filled with unexpected challenges and changes. This year has brought with it both deep sadness and overwhelming joy. To be quite honest, this year is a year I would love to forget, but I cannot. I cannot forget this year because God has used it to test my humility. He has used it to teach me to trust. He has given me this year to grow me into more Christlikeness. But it has been hard. It has been extremely hard. Some days I've done well in meeting the challenges and some days I've failed miserably. But through it all, God has been patient with me. He has loved me through it. He has put people in my path that I would never have met if it weren't for this ugly gift of cancer. 

Our tree will be barren of gifts this year and that's okay, because we have something of much more value underneath our tree. We have the gift of life that God has given to us. We have the gift of love He has provided for us, and we have hearts filled with gratitude at His merciful grace. We won't get tangled up in the trappings of Christmas this year. Instead of ripping off paper and ribbons, we'll unwrap the most perfect gift of all...we'll unwrap Christ. We'll remove our preconceived ideas of what He's doing in our lives and allow Him to work freely...teaching, testing, gleaning, growing. We will practice His presence. 

We can practice His presence by focusing on His attributes, by communing with Him daily, by living in the moment, and trusting Him fully. John Ortberg says:

• God is always present and active in my life, whether or not I see him.
• Coming to recognize and experience God’s presence is learned behavior; I can cultivate it.
• My task is to meet God in this moment.
• I am always tempted to live “outside” of this moment. When I do that, I lose my sense of God’s presence.
• Sometimes God seems far away for reasons I do not understand. Those moments, too, are opportunities to learn.
• Whenever I fail, I can always start again right away.
• No one knows the full extent to which a human being can experience God’s presence.
• My desire for God ebbs and flows, but his desire for me is constant.
• Every thought [and I would add, “feeling”] carries a “spiritual charge” that moves me a little closer to or a little farther from God.
• Every aspect of my life – work, relationships, hobbies, errands – is of immense and genuine interest to God.
• My path to experiencing God’s presence will not look quite like anyone else’s.
• Straining and trying too hard do not help.

Living in the moment has been a recurrent theme of mine this year. God has continually been teaching me that I only have been given the current moment and that is where I should focus. There is literally no way to practice God’s presence if we are being pulled into the past by shame or regret or into the future by worry. The only time in which we meet with God is in the present moment, but very few people actually know how to live there. Hurry and worry are usually what we practice! Oh how freeing it has been to let go of the past, release the future, and live life in the present. It has been the most wonderful of blessings to learn also that practicing His presence in the moment is exactly how He desires us to live.

Brother Lawrence, a monk who served in Paris during the seventeenth century, in his first letter, says: "when we are faithful to keep ourselves in His holy Presence, and set Him always before us, this not only hinders our offending Him, and doing anything that may displease Him, at least wilfully, but it also begets in us a holy freedom, and if I may so speak, a familiarity with GOD, wherewith we ask, and that successfully, the graces we stand in need of. In fine, by often repeating these acts, they become habitual, and the presence of GOD is rendered as it were natural to us."

Jesus understood fully that He was to have the mind of Christ. He always focused on His Father's will. Practicing God's presence allows us to experience fully the type of relationship God intends for us to have with Him. It isn't something that comes easily; it does take practice. If you've never practiced the presence of God, you can start today. One of the best ways to start is to focus on His goodness and mercy. Admit that you long to have Him be Lord of your life. Listen to that still small voice that guides and directs you into His ways of holiness. Take it moment by moment. As you relinquish your will to His, you will find that practicing His presence becomes easier and easier every day.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

   

^"8 Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery]." James 4:8

 ^"18 Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old.¹⁹ Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19