6 month folllow up with the Radiation Oncologist

Dr. "S" and me

Today was my six month check up visit to the radiation oncologist. Actually, it was a little over 6 months because I'd been out of state and had to reschedule my appointment. When I walked into the radiation oncology clinic, I was surprised when the receptionist handed me a clipboard with a lot of papers on it. I wondered if she thought I was a new patient and must have given her a puzzled look because she said, "don't worry, just first of the year formalities." I took the stack of papers, clipboard, and pen and sat down to busy myself with filling them out. I wondered why they didn't already have all of this information stored in their computers and I'll admit, I was a little frustrated. As I filled out the papers, I saw a little boy out of the corner of my eye. He was zooming a rubber farm truck around the office floor. I saw his grandmother looking to see if he was bothering me and I just smiled. I asked the little boy how old he was by saying, "are you 2?" His grandmother beamed and said yes. I told her I had 8 grandchildren and was able to guess the age of little ones pretty accurately.

As I sat and continued filling out my papers, people were being called back for treatment. There was an older man who struggled to walk through the door, there were two women both with apparent breast cancer. My heart ached for them as they were all 3 just beginning their treatments. I was glad I didn't have to go through radiation any longer.

After about thirty minutes of waiting, the nurse called me back to get my vital statistics. She asked a zillion questions and entered information into the computer. When she was through, she handed me a gown and told me to get undressed from the waist up. I knew the drill. I sat on the crinkly white paper atop the examination table for a few minutes and then jumped up to check out the room. I hate just sitting on the table swinging my legs like a little girl. I looked over the otoscope and blood pressure monitor. I looked to see what size nitrile gloves she wears and even took a peek at the computer screen which the nurse failed to hide beneath an active screensaver. I love reading medical data especially when it's about me! I was listed under the ICD-9 code as a 174.1 which codes as malignant neoplasm of the central portion of the breast.

I heard the doc outside the room so I jumped back up on the table. As she entered, she greeted me with a big smile. I told her I'd missed seeing her but I hadn't missed the radiation treatments. She grinned. "I can understand that," she said. She started asking questions about my general health and how I was feeling. She asked if I'd noticed any new lumps, bumps, or worrisome places. Had I been having weird headaches? Did I have stomach pain? Spinal pain? Belly pain? Bladder? I answered no to all of her questions and then she went down my medication list. Are you still taking....? What about ....? Yes, yes, yes everything was a yes until she got to Arimidex. I told her to cross that one off the list. She looked up and asked why. I explained about the horrible side effects.

Dr. "S" pulled up some documents on the computer screen and they were obviously letters from Dr. Feinstein, my oncologist. "I see here that you did indeed have some odd side effects from Arimidex and also from the Tamoxifen." I talked to her about the effects of the medications and how they made me feel. I don't know why I was so surprised when she jerked forward in her chair at my statement that I'd decided not to take any more cancer medications. "I really think you need to reconsider your decision," she said. "Since your cancer traveled to your lymph system and it's fed by Estrogen and Progesterone, it's very important that you take that medication to keep the cancer at bay." My reply stunned her. I said, "Dr. S., I know you have to speak to me from a medical standpoint but I am trusting that my God is taking care of all that. I've prayed about it and talked with my husband about it and my decision is final. I've decided to change my diet drastically and do all I can to live a good and healthy life." She came back with, "when do you see Dr. F?" I told her I'd see him the end of March. "Well, when you do, please talk to him about this and listen to what he has to say." "Okay doc," I said, "I'll listen but I don't think he'll change my mind."

She had me lie back on the examination table and began poking and prodding me. She slowly and deliberately moved over each of my incisions stopping occasionally when she felt something questionable. She felt under my armpits and mushed around on my belly asking if "that hurt." I wanted to say, "well of course it does! You're pressing really hard," but I didn't. Next she had me sit up and she listened to my lungs, looked in my ears and throat, felt all the lymph glands in the back and sides of my neck and then felt along my arms. She asked about the swelling and asked what seemed to exacerbate it. I answered her questions then she returned to the computer and began typing.

While she typed away, I asked her a question. "Doc, when will I ever be declared N.E.D.?" (that means no evidence of disease in case you don't know) She looked up from the screen and said, "You've been in remission since your cancer was removed but we can't say definitely N.E.D just yet." (According to the American Cancer Society, remission means the cancer is responding well to treatment and not spreading.) I asked her why I hadn't had a P.E.T. scan yet (that stands for positron emission tomography.) She said there had been many recent studies showing that after breast cancer, it was not wise to administer a P.E.T. scan unless absolutely necessary because of the amount of radiation emitted. People who'd undergone radiation therapy were at greater risk and that's why I wasn't going to receive one now. A P.E.T.scan is an imaging test that helps reveal how your tissues and organs are functioning. A PET scan uses a radioactive drug (tracer) to show this activity and it illuminates any cancer cells that remain in the body. "So, without a P.E.T. scan, we can't really know whether I'm free of cancer or not, correct?" The doctor answered, "correct. But, if there ever are any new lumps, bumps or places of concern, you can be sure that I will be the first one to order a P.E.T. scan for you." I was pretty satisfied with that answer although I know in my heart that I'm already cancer free because of my faith in God.

As I was slipping out of my gown and putting back on my clothes, I could hear Dr. "S" outside my door talking with the nurse...."she's decided not to take any medication....don't understand...Arimidex...just don't get it...." Those were the only words I could make out but there were many others in between. I can only guess what they were but I'm sure they didn't understand the choice I'd made.

I should have known Dr. "S" would give me grief over my decision. Medical doctors have a hard time accepting faith and miracles unless they are believers themselves. I wish I knew where Dr. "S" stood in her belief system. I may just ask her next time I'm there. I do know many family and friends just can't understand my decision not to take the meds but I know my body best. I have to do what I feel God leading me to do no matter if people look at me like I'm crazy or don't agree with me.

I used to work for doctors and in fact, I wanted to go into the medical field when I was in high school. I loved and still love medicine. It's fascinating to me. But doctors and medication don't have anything on the Great Physician. He's the one who made me and He's the one I trust. At my next visit, which will be in 3 months, I'm hoping Dr. "S" will continue to be baffled and give me an opportunity to talk with her once again about God. Who knows, maybe I'll get to witness to every single one of my medical team before it's over and maybe they'll come to realize what I already know, that God's ways are not man's ways. Proverbs 3:4-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean NOT unto thine own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

I'm trusting in Him with all my heart. I don't understand anything about this cancer journey except He allowed me to go through it. I am choosing to follow His leading and do what He says. The ones who have trouble understanding can just continue to be bewildered. This is between me and God.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Brave, who me?

My youngest daughter is a giver. She has such a big heart and always wants to give to others. Yesterday, she surprised me with a beautiful silver necklace. As I took the gift in my hands and looked at it, I saw that it was engraved with the word "brave." I was honored that she'd specifically chosen this gift for me but I felt so unworthy. I didn't consider myself brave. I asked her why she'd chosen that specific word for me and she casually looked at me, with an unspoken DUH in her voice, and said, "Mom, you beat breast cancer." Wow.

I'd never thought fighting for my life over the past few months of my breast cancer journey gave me the right to be called brave. I was just doing what I had to do to survive. For me, bravery denotes extreme courage or tenacity like a soldier in the midst of a raging war. Although he's under constant fire and jumping in and out of foxholes, he doesn't give up...he fights on. To me, that's being brave. Or the unwed, single mother who does any and everything she can to make ends meet to provide for her child...that's brave.

The dictionary describes the word brave this way:
brave
brāv/
adjective
1. ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
synonyms: courageous, valiant, valorous, intrepid, heroic, lionhearted, bold, fearless, gallant, daring, plucky, audacious.

I certainly didn't feel I fit that description. I hadn't been ready to face cancer or any of the pain that came along with it. I definitely didn't feel courageous or like any of the other synonyms the dictionary listed. As I fastened the necklace around my neck, I made a conscious decision to try and live up to the label I'd just received and accepted.

Although this label was clearly visible for the world to see, there are so many labels we hang around our necks that no one ever sees. On days when things are difficult and trying, we might subconsciously hang the label "failure" on our necks. When we've worked hard to accomplish a challenging task and succeeded, we might label ourselves "strong" or "amazing" or "awesome." Labels come not only from how we feel about ourselves but from how we're perceived by others. We must take great care in choosing which labels we'll allow to stay with us and choose which ones need to be discarded.

Whose voice are you listening to when you accept those labels? Are you listening to what Jesus says about you or what Satan says about you? Jesus will always give you positive labels. He'll say you're "redeemed," "beloved," "accepted," "forgiven," "precious," and "worthy." Satan will always give you negative thoughts which will in turn become negative labels. Those "failure," "hopeless," "worthless," "incompetent," type labels come straight at you from the pits of hell. You don't have to accept them. You have the power and authority to reject them!

Whatever labels you choose to hang around your neck will identify you to others. Even if they can't visibly "see" your labels, your attitude and actions will reflect how you feel about yourself. Do you want to be identified as a strong, brave, confident person who is walking in the truth of God's love or do you want to be labeled a hopeless failure?

Every day we make choices about how we present ourselves to the world. The clothing we select gives people a glimpse of who we are by letting them see our individuality. Our attitudes, our manner of speech, the way we carry ourselves...all of these label us. Some labels we choose and others are chosen for us. Everyone wears labels. With discerning eyes, we can see the ones that aren't truly visible. For example, have you ever walked past someone with a downcast countenance? Perhaps that person's label is "lonely" or "hurting." Labels, whether visible or invisible, say something important to or about ourselves and that's why it's important to choose them carefully.

The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21, "life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."  Words have the power edify or destroy. Labels hold the same power. Do you want to choose labels that speak life to your soul? If so, one way you can decide on your labels is to know what God says about you. How can you know that? You have to read the Bible. Here are some of the labels the Bible lists for you to wear:

• Child of God: "But to all who have received him--those who believe in his name--he has given the right to become God's children" … (John 1:12).

• Friend of Jesus: "I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father" (John 15:15).

• Justified and redeemed: "But they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" (Romans 3:24).

• Free: "For the law of the life-giving Spirit in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death" (Romans 8:2).

• Heir: "And if children, then heirs (namely, heirs of God and also fellow heirs with Christ)--if indeed we suffer with him so we may also be glorified with him" (Romans 8:17).

• Accepted: "Receive one another, then, just as Christ also received you, to God's glory" (Romans 15:7).

•Saint: "… To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, and called to be saints, with all those in every place who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours (1 Corinthians 1:2). (See also Ephesians 1:1, Philippians 1:1, and Colossians 1:2.)

• Temple: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" (1 Corinthians 6:19)

• Unified: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female--for all of you are one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28).

• Blessed: "Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms in Christ" (Ephesians 1:3).

• Chosen: "For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love (Ephesians 1:4).

• Redeemed: "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace" (Ephesians 1:7).

• Predestined: "In Christ we too have been claimed as God's own possession, since we were predestined according to the one purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will." (Ephesians 1:11)

• Sealed: "And when you heard the word of truth (the gospel of your salvation)--when you believed in Christ--you were marked with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit." (Ephesians 1:13)

• Alive: "But God, being rich in mercy, because of his great love with which he loved us, even though we were dead in transgressions, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you are saved! (Ephesians 2:4-5)

• Handcrafted: "For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them." (Ephesians 2:10)

I looked down at my necklace again and marveled at the engraving upon it. Black ink had been pushed deep into the lettering to cause the word "brave" to stand out against the silver metal. Brave. Could I really accept that label? The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to say yes. I looked back at the dictionary definition of the word brave. Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. synonyms: courageous, valiant, valorous, intrepid, heroic, lionhearted, bold, fearless, gallant, daring, plucky, audacious. I guess I had been a little plucky over the past few months. I kind of like the sound of that word, "plucky." It fits! Yes, I'll accept that and I'll be proud to call myself brave even though it seems a great big word to live up to for the rest of my life. 

Please watch this short video to see how the labels we hang on ourselves affect us -

Identity, the labels we give ourselves - a video of the song, Fix You by Coldplay

Reactions to my decision

Yesterday I shared my decision not to take the medications my Oncologist had prescribed for me. The feedback I received from family and friends was varied. Some of my nearest and dearest friends were confused and one of them even dared to say I was selfish in my decision. I was shocked to know they felt this way and never thought my decision could be perceived as being selfish. Most who voiced their opinions were very encouraging and supportive of my decision. I imagine it's very difficult for someone who's never experienced a close brush with cancer to understand my choice but those who've walked the journey with a friend or loved one know that each of us must choose the path that best fits our needs.

When I made my decision, I didn't base it on what others might think, say, or do. I carefully and purposefully spent time seeking wisdom and direction from God. As I dug deep into the Word, He constantly reaffirmed the fact that I was not alone. He reminded me of great men and women of faith and how even under adverse circumstances, they had followed after Him. I was greatly encouraged as I read one of my favorite books, the book of James. These verses spoke to my heart:

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of [a]the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching orfaultfinding, and it will be given him. Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind. For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord, [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]."  James 1:2-8 Amplified Bible

There were many things that stood out to me from those verses. The very first thing that jumped off the page was the first sentence in verse 2. I'm going to paraphrase those verses as I interpreted them while I was reading and praying to the Lord. "When you experience any kind of trial or temptation, you should be first filled with JOY because you know that going through the experience will do a great work in your faith life. The trial will be used to teach you to stand firm...to endure...to suffer long. It will be used to mold and shape you into the person Christ desires you to become. The trial has been allowed to enter your life for His purposes and has come with His expressed permission. It was not an accident. It was no surprise to Him although it may have caught you off guard. Since you trust in the Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind...you can trust that this journey with, in, and through cancer will be used as a teaching tool. It will be used for God's purposes and everything will go according to His perfect plan for your life. You have come seeking wisdom because you don't know what to do. You want to do what God wants you to do and yet, you don't know what that is so, be bold! Ask God! Ask Him for clarity...for wisdom and direction! Have faith and don't doubt! Ask expecting to receive an answer and that answer will be straight from God, not from your own mind and not from what you think or feel you should do." 

So as I waited patiently on the Lord, I continued to pray. For over two weeks, I prayed and sought His will and direction. Upon my return from Texas, I continued to pray. The morning after we returned, before my feet even hit the floor as I prepared to get out of bed, I felt a wonderful peace flood my spirit. I heard the words, "eat kingdom food" as clearly as if someone were standing in my bedroom with me speaking to me. I rose and pondered what those words meant. Did they mean for me to continue to feast on the word of God or did they mean make a huge change in my diet? As I prayed, I felt God leading me to make a drastic change in the way I've been eating. 

I've learned over the years to hear the voice of God in my life. It has taken many, many years of prayer and listening with discernment to make sure I am clearly hearing from God and not just hearing my own heart's desires. I've even learned to test what I've heard to verify the validity of my hearing so imagine my surprise when I heard God telling me to cut all sugar and processed foods!!! That's going to be a huge lifestyle change! I love chocolate! I love ice cream! I love pizza! Just about everything we eat nowadays is filled with sugar or processed in an unhealthy way. So the kingdom food He instructed me to eat, in my understanding, is organic, raw, healthy fruits, vegetables and grains. 

There have been many studies on cancer and the ways sugar aids in helping to feed those cells. Since I'm not going to be taking the medication to block Estrogen and Progesterone from feeding the cancer cells, I have to combat it with foods that God intended us to eat in the first place! In the garden of Eden, there weren't boxes of prepackaged foods filled with all kinds of unpronounceable names. There were very simple, organic foods. 

I was leary of calling my doctor to give him this news. I didn't know how he would react. Would he be shocked and refuse to continue to care for me? Would he support me in my decision? When I called his office, I was unable to speak directly to the doctor because he was in the midst of seeing patients. I was able to leave a message on the nurse's line and had only a few minutes to think how I should word what I was going to say. I told them my name and birthdate as instructed by the automated recording and then I proceeded to say "After much prayer and discussion with my husband, I've decided NOT to take the medications you prescribed. I have an appointment next month and will be happy to discuss my decision with you at that time. Should you have any questions, please feel free to call me." I left my number and hung up. I was pleased. I'd said all I needed to say. 

When I see the doctor at the end of next month, I'm hoping he'll see a marked difference in my appearance and my blood work. Since he's Jewish, I'll share with him about my faith and how it is integral in every part of my life, but especially in daily decisions that affect my health. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had A.M.A. scribbled across their charts. (A.M.A. means against medical advice for those of you won't didn't know) And then there are those countless others who blindly accept the traditional route of treatment...surgery, chemo, radiation, and adjuvant therapies like Tamoxifen, Arimidex, Aromasin, or Femara. I wonder how many of them do their homework and read about the side effects and long range statistics associated with those treatments? I admit, when I was first diagnosed, I didn't know what to do. I made the mistake of not taking time to seek the Lord. I only listened to my doctor and all the medical team. I did what I was told. Oh, I did make one initial decision...when my breast surgeon gave me the option of having a lumpectomy and chemo then followup mammograms for every 3 months for the rest of my life and possibly more surgeries to come, I said no. I asked if my odds were better going the route of mastectomies and she adamantly agreed they would be. When I asked her what she would do if it were her, she said she'd go the mastectomy route. 

When my Oncologist and I talked at our first visit, I asked him point blank..."if I were your wife or daughter, what would you advise me to do with regard to chemo?" He immediately said, "I'd advise you NOT to take it." At least he was honest. I was thankful for that. That's one reason I'm hoping he'll support me in my decision not to take the medication. If he doesn't, I guess I'll be looking for a new doctor but even if I end up doing that, I know I already have the Great Physician on my team and that's really all I'll ever need.

So my game plan now is to begin eliminating sugar and processed foods from my diet. I know it will be hard, but I've got to do it. I'll also study the Bible more to learn how to fight back with joy. If I'm to consider it "wholly joyful" when I experience trials and temptations, I've got to figure out how to be filled with joy even when things are difficult in my life. I guess the main thing I'm trying to say here is that I've got to learn how to change my perspective! I've got to learn to focus not on what's going on around me but what God's doing in my life. When I can meet difficulties with joy and see them from His perspective, I can learn to accept any and everything He sends into my life.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Clarity

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with a huge decision regarding my healthcare and finally, after much prayer, I have some clarity. Last month, I visited my Oncologist. While there, we discussed my health as well as 2 previous medications I'd tried at my doctor's request. Both of those medications had given me bad side effects and had made me feel like a totally different person. While in the doctor's office, he told me there was only one more medication we could try. When he said that, I wanted to laugh...WE? Was he going to join me in taking the medication? I don't think so. I explained to him that my husband and I had a trip coming up and that I'd like to wait to begin the medicine until after we had completed our trip and were back home. Dr. "F" agreed it would be a wise decision. He didn't want me in another state if I was experiencing bad side effects. I left his office feeling good about the visit and went home to pack for our trip.

The entire time we were in Texas, I felt an uneasiness about beginning the new medication. I didn't want to experience the same bad side effects as I'd had on the past 2 cancer meds. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to take the medication but I knew I needed to gain understanding through prayer.

For the past 2 weeks, I've gone before the Lord with my dilemma. In the Bible, we're told
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5 I knew I needed answers for my problem and I needed godly wisdom. I didn't want to trust making the decision on my own. James 1:5 promises that if we will go to Him when we need wisdom, He will give us the answers we need!

The word "lack" is the Greek word leipo, a Greek word that pictures a deficit of some kind. In modern English, we might call this a shortfall, a shortage, a scarcity, or a deficiency. For instance, people often speak of a "shortfall" of finances. When they experience such a financial shortfall, it greatly impairs their ability to do business as necessary. Years ago, we had a shortage of gasoline. People had to wait for hours to get a few gallons of gas and when the gas ran out, the ones at the back of the line had to go home on empty. In my grandparents' day, food was rationed. There was a great lack of precious staples like flour, eggs, sugar, bread, meat, and milk. These kinds of scarcities and deficits could be described by the Greek word leipo, which is translated "lack" in the King James Version of James 1:5. But the "lack" James is referring to is not sugar, flour, eggs, milk, butter, meat, or gasoline. James says, "If any of you lack wisdom.…"

A lack of "wisdom" is the most devastating kind of deficit a person or country can face. Wisdom has the answers, solutions, and principles needed to reverse any situation and turn it around for the better. A person is at a great disadvantage when he is void of wisdom about how to pay his bills, how to reverse a decline in his business, how to resolve challenges with his children, spouse, boss, or coworkers; or even how to make important decisions that will affect his future. When a person lacks wisdom, it nearly paralyzes him, because he doesn't know what to do!

When James says, "If any of you lack wisdom," the word "wisdom" is the Greek word sophos. This word sophos could describe enlightenment, or special insight. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean he possesses wisdom. You need to treat education like it is important, for it definitely is. However, you also need to understand that having an education is not the equivalent of having wisdom. Education gives information and facts; but wisdom gives you principles, solutions, and answers. Wisdom gives you special insight that helps you know what to do. Wisdom contains the principles that will lead you out of that baffling situation and into a place where things begin to work again! Wisdom guides you to do what is right. Man has education; but God has wisdom.

Are you experiencing a time in your life right now when you need wisdom about a particular situation? Even though you've studied and tried to find solutions on your own, have those solutions been evading you? If so, it's time for you to get a good dose of wisdom from on High! That's why James says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.…"

The word "ask" is the Greek word aiteo. The word aiteo means "to be adamant in requesting and demanding assistance to meet tangible needs, such as food, shelter, money, and so forth." This person may insist or demand that a certain need be met, but he approaches his superior with respect and honor as he makes his very strong request. The word aiteo also expresses the idea that the one asking has a full expectation to receive what has been firmly requested.

When James tells us to "ask" God for the wisdom we need, the Greek tense used is a command. This plainly means God isn't suggesting that we come to Him for wisdom; He is commanding us to do so!
When these words are used together in one phrase, it could be translated:
"If anyone lacks insight, let him firmly request it.…"
"If anyone has a shortage of wisdom, he should demand it.…"
"If anyone is baffled and doesn't know what to do, he should be bold to ask.…"

The Greek word studies in this verse of Scripture helped give me even more clarity. I finally understood that God really wanted me to come to Him for wisdom first instead of trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of relying on my education and the books on my shelf to give me the answers I needed, I knew I had to go to God first and firmly ask Him for wisdom and that is just what I did. I approached Him with respect and honor, but was also bold. As a child of God, I knew I had a right to request wisdom from God when I needed it!

This morning, I reached up into the top of my closet and took down my prayer shawl. It was a beautifully crocheted shawl made by ladies from a local church. A friend of mine had given it to me right after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I placed the shawl over my shoulders, I sat for hours before God pouring out my heart to Him. With the shawl over my shoulders, it was as if I could feel God's very arms wrapped around me. The feeling was so filled with love and peace. I'd never felt that way before underneath the prayer shawl.

I admitted I didn't know what to do regarding taking the new medications. I struggled with just doing what the doctor told me to do and following what I felt in my heart that I needed to do. My heart said, "trust God. Remember your Oncotype DX number was a 7...the number of completion! It also meant that there was a very low rate of recurrence." My head said, "but the doctor knows more than you do. He says I have to take this medication for the next 10 years to prevent the cancer from returning. I should do what he says to do." My heart said, "you need to trust that God made your body. He knows every single cell and knows the number of days He's allotted to you. He has your best interest in mind. The doctor is only following recommended treatment plans as indicated by statistics." 

I cried and cried as I read my Bible and poured out my heart to God. I told him everything I was thinking even though I knew He already knew my thoughts before I verbalized them. As I prayed, I felt such a peace come over me and He led me to Psalm 56:3-4, "What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance in You. By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me?" He also gave me Psalm 57:1-2, "Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed. I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" As I read these verses, I got a mental image of the beautiful, powerful, huge wings of God and I saw myself tiny, and powerless huddled beneath them. I could see a great and powerful whirlwind swirling all around me, but I was completely safe and secure beneath His wings. I felt no fear whatsoever. I knew everything was going to be okay. 

My decision is clear. I will not be taking any more cancer medications. The two bottles sitting on my counter will soon be in the trashcan. I am going to trust the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. When I call to tell my doctor of my decision, I don't know if he will understand it but I'm going to try to help him see where I'm coming from. I'm thankful my doctor is Jewish because that means he's a man of faith. I'm going to use that as my segway into explaining my decision. He is a man of faith and I am a woman of faith. It doesn't matter that we are of different faiths because we both believe in the same Almighty, Omnipotent God. 

I'm sure Dr. "F" won't be too happy that I've chosen not to take the prescribed medications. I'm wondering if he'll even still agree to be my Oncologist. If he decides he doesn't want to support me in my decision, I'll have to find a new doctor and that's okay. I'm trusting God with that decision too. 

Of course, every now and then, I'm sure Satan will whisper fearful words to my heart and mind trying to scare me into thinking I've made the wrong decision. He'll use the tool of fear to prod me into thinking the cancer will come back but I know, even if God does allow the cancer to return, He'll have a purpose for it and I can live with that. I've trusted Him throughout this whole ordeal and I'm not going to stop trusting Him now. 

If you're facing a dilemma of some kind today, rather than continue to struggle in your own strength, why don't you go to God and ask Him to give you the necessary wisdom to conquer the situation you are facing in your life right now? As a child of God, you have every right to ask Him. In fact, God commands you to come to Him when you lack wisdom! So take a few minutes today to obey that command. Ask God to give you the wis­dom you need!

My Prayer for Today
Lord, help me to come to You when I find myself struggling to know what to do. Help me to rely on You instead of on my own strength and understanding. Every answer I need resides with You. Your wisdom holds all the answers I am looking for therefore, I am making the decision to come to You now with a listening ear. Please speak to my heart and guide me according to your perfect will for my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

My Confession for Today
I boldly confess that I go to the Father when I need wisdom from above. He has the answers to all my problems, and He is standing before me, ready to help. God is on my side. He wants to help me. He is waiting for me to come into His Presence so He can give me the wisdom I need to confront and overcome every situation I am facing right now. God wants me to suc­ceed, and His wisdom is what I need to achieve what is in my heart. So rather than try to figure it all out on my own, I run to the Father and ask Him for wisdom - and He is swift to give me the wisdom I need! I declare this by faith in Jesus' name!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved.

In a quandary

 I'm so confused! I just don't know what to do! For the past few days I have been on vacation in Texas. Visiting with family has been wonderful and so relaxing. Since I have not been on any cancer medications, I have felt exceptionally well. I have enjoyed myself to the fullest. It's hard to describe how terrific normal feels.

When I return to Georgia, I am supposed to begin taking Aromasin and take it for the next 10 years! Aromasin is a cancer medication and it has a lot of really bad side effects. I am also supposed to begin taking a drug called Effexor. The Effexor is supposed to take care of hot flashes and mood swings that Aromasin causes.

When I was on Arimidex last month, I experienced so many bad side effects. Many of them are the same as the ones Aromasin will cause. That is why I am NOT looking forward to beginning this new medication. I am seriously considering not taking any medication. I am weighing out my options. I would much rather feel normal then feel like an emotional wreck. But I also don't want the cancer to come back. This is my quandary. What do I do? Do I take the medication and feel horrible for the next 10 years or do I not take it and feel normal for the next 10 years? If I decide not to take it, there is a real possibility that I will have a recurrence of cancer. But even if I do take it, the cancer could still come back.

So for the remainder of my vacation, I'm going to be thinking long and hard about this decision. I'm going to do a lot of praying about it. I'm also going to be talking with family members about my decision. I know my oncologist would not be happy if I went to him and told him that I had decided not to take any medication. I wonder if he would even agree to still be my doctor if I decide to go against his advice. Whatever the case, I have to do what is best for me. It is my life and I am the only one that can make this decision. It's scary because sometimes I don't make the right decisions. In fact most of my life I've made a lot of bad decisions. Hopefully I will hear clearly from God and know exactly what I am supposed to do. I am asking Him to give me a complete peace about it, and I know He will.

This cancer journey has been one filled with decision after decision. It would be nice to know that all of it was over. Every single day I'm reminded that even though the cancerous tumor has been removed; cancer has greatly impacted my life and still continues to do so. I can't help but wonder if there are still some rogue cancer cells lurking in my body. Are they gathering together and plotting a counter-attack? What part of my body will they invade next? Will the counter-attack be more severe than the initial battle? I certainly hope never to experience any dealings with cancer again but I'm not going to be unrealistic.

Today I'm choosing to live like a normal person who feels normal in every way except in my  physical appearance. Today I choose to live a totally cancer free life. Who knows, I may not even be around in the next 10 years anyway. None of us may be! None of us are promised tomorrow, so I'll take today and make it the best it can be. And I think that's a pretty good decision!

Answers to your questions

Wow! I'm amazed at the questions some of you have asked but I'm also thankful that you've felt the freedom to ask them. Maybe being able to ask anonymously was the key!

What was the scariest thing that happened? The scariest thing that happened to me during this whole situation was actually seeing the cancer during my ultrasound. The radiologist had the ultrasound screen turned toward me so I could watch as he was preparing to do the core needle biopsy (which was very painful) and insert a steel clip into the site in my breast to mark the location of the tumor. When I saw the mass on the ultrasound screen, it looked like a large, one armed crab. Just facing the reality of what I already knew to be true, was so scary. Did you know the word cancer means crab?

Most embarrassing thing that has happened? The most embarrassing thing that has happened to me during this cancer ordeal was having to have dye injected into my breast by a male nurse. The dye was supposed to illuminate any cancerous cells in my lymph nodes before surgery so it had to be done. As the guy asked me to disrobe, I was totally humiliated. There was no woman nurse present at all. Then, he came toward me with a syringe and told me he was going to inject some pain medication to numb the injection site first. It felt like a bee sting when he injected the needle into my breast. Then he took another syringe and injected blue dye right into my areola in three different places on each breast. Even with the numbing medication, it was very uncomfortable. I couldn't wait to get out of that room!

Do you miss "them"? That's a hard question. Yes and no. Since I wasn't well endowed in the first place and since I've always been a major tomboy, I never paid much attention to my chest when I was a kid but, as an adult, being small chested wasn't a huge problem because if I wanted to look bigger, I could buy a padded bra. If I chose not to wear a bra, no one really knew and since I didn't have a huge chest, I didn't have to worry about sagging when I grew old! After I healed up all the way, I couldn't wear a bra even if I wanted to because the bra, with the prostheses in it, was too heavy and rubbed against my incisions. Although they were healed, I still have a lot of scar tissue under my right arm and a seroma there from my surgical drain site. Those are extremely tender even to this day and I can't stand having anything rub against them. Honestly, the only time I really miss my breasts is when I'm going out in public and I feel self conscious without a bra on. I can camouflage myself pretty well with a jacket or a vest. I also know my husband misses them. He's been so sweet not to say anything often but every once in a while, he'll make a comment that lets me know he misses them. Men are so visual and I know it must have been a hard adjustment on him to see me without breasts. I never gave one thought to having reconstructive surgery, even when the breast surgeon asked me if I wanted to consider it, because I didn't want to go through all that pain and suffering. Even though they can take belly fat, thigh fat, or back fat and fashion new breasts from it, can you imagine having not only two large breast incisions but also having your belly sliced open and then resewn back together, or your thighs, or your back??? And even if you have the surgery, your new breasts don't look like breasts for a long, long time. They have to heal and then, you have to have nipples constructed from ear lobe tissue or other tissue on your body unless you decide to have nipples tattooed on (which some ladies opt to do).

What is one thing you want to do before you die? Before I die, I want to travel to Israel and walk along the paths that Jesus did. I want to float in the Dead Sea, I want to take a boat ride across the Sea of Galilee and I want to travel the Via Dolorosa.

What is something good that has come from this? God has used all of this to teach me to live in the moment. I have always been one to plan and plan and plan. I've always looked to the future and sometimes, I have failed to be present in the moment. Since surgery, God has shown me that every single moment of my life is precious and I'm only allotted a specific number of moments. I can't waste a single one.

If you could go back to before cancer, what would you change? If I could go back to the time before I knew I had cancer, I would change many things. The main thing I would change was how I treated people. I was often too busy with things in my life to give people the time they needed. I would spend more time just sitting and listening instead of being busy doing.

Have you been suicidial? To be honest, I have thought about taking my life at one time but found out later that it was a side effect from new medication I was on. I don't believe in suicide. I believe only God has the right to take a life. I think it would be a grave sin to take one's own life and I would never do it.

Do you fear going out in public? Yes. I still have a huge fear of going out in public. It's really hard for me because I've never been this way before. I don't know why but I just feel like people are staring at me. I prefer to stay home and only go out when I have to go out. My husband has been very patient and understanding. He told me the other day that he wasn't going to push me to do anything I didn't want to do. I am so thankful he loves me and is giving me a chance to get my act together. Hopefully, over time, I'll get a little braver and less fearful.

What has been the biggest support to you so far? The biggest support I've had has been from my husband. He has been an angel throughout this whole process. He's cried with me, laughed with me, sat and been quiet with me, prayed with me and just been my rock. My children have also been great encouragers. They call several times a day to check in on me. I've also had some very dear friends who've made a special point to email or Facebook message me with words of encouragement on a weekly basis. It's nice to know others love and care about me.

If you could tell people something that they don't know about you and cancer what would it be? I was petrified when I discovered the mass in my right breast. But even when I found it, a peace came over me. God spoke to my heart and let me know it was cancer even before I had any tests to confirm it. I've always been a super modest person so having to bare my breasts to numerous medical people was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The only way I got through it was to totally distance myself from the situation while it was happening. I learned to do that many years ago when I was sexually abused as a child. It is a weird coping mechanism and many people will probably think it is a very immature and unnatural way to deal with routine tests and procedures, but you asked....

What do you need still? I still have hard days. I still get emotional at times and feel very "unfeminine." I still need people to be understanding and patient with me. I still need encouragement and love. Cancer isn't something you just "get over." It's the gift that keeps on giving. There's always fear of recurrence. There are always medical appointments and constant tests. It seems like it will never end.

What kind of pain are you in? Right now the majority of my pain comes from swelling in my upper arms caused by Lymphedema and pulling/tugging from scar tissue. When I went through radiation, it changed the tissue and muscles in my chest wall. Now instead of those areas being soft and pliable, they are very dense and hard. When I move in a certain way sometimes those tissues and muscles don't want to move with me and cause pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I try to make the best of it. On days when the pain gets to be more than I can bear, I do have prescription pain medication I can take to help.

How long do you think you have time wise? That's hard to say. The Bible tells me in James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." So I really have no idea. Only God knows. I do know that most breast cancer patients are only given 5 years statistically but my God is the one who holds the keys to my life and I'm trusting Him for a long and prosperous life. I am taking Aromasin now which is a type of oral chemotherapy. It lowers estrogen levels in postmenopausal women, which may slow the growth of certain types of breast tumors that need estrogen to grow in the body. It is often given to women whose cancer has progressed even after surgery, radiation, or other cancer medications have been tried without success. My oncologist has told me that I'll be on this medication for the next 10 years. In the past, adjuvant therapy was only given for 5 years but research has been done recently that shows 10 years is much more effective against the chances of recurrence.

What is your biggest struggle on a daily basis? The biggest struggle I have on a daily basis is learning to accept my limitations. There are many things I am unable to do physically now that I used to do in the past. I get tired more often and find myself doing things a little more slowly than before. That could also be attributed to my age. I'm 57 but feel like I'm still 18!

Does it hurt to receive hugs? Sometimes it does hurt to receive hugs. My cousin, a big, strong, strapping young man in his early 50's gave me a huge hug about a month ago that I thought was going to crush my ribcage. Now I have learned to turn my body sideways when giving hugs or I'll whisper in the huggers ear, "soft hugs only please!"

Do you blame yourself? I don't really blame myself but I've questioned whether or not something I did or did not do regarding my health could have contributed to the cancer. I wondered if I had chosen to eat more healthy foods, or if I'd chosen to use natural deodorants, or if I hadn't colored my hair so much...but then, I thought, there are so many environmental issues in the world that could have contributed to my getting cancer that I probably couldn't have ever done anything to prevent it from happening. My faith assures me that God has allowed the cancer into my life for His purposes. Just knowing that and accepting that fact have given me great peace. I've tried to take the attitude that He's allowed it into my life to teach me something really important.

What is the biggest way cancer has changed you? I think the biggest way cancer has changed me is that it's taught me to focus my life more on love. Just on being understanding and loving toward others. Being able to forgive even when forgiveness hasn't been asked for is a huge thing. I've become much more intentional in my life and I thank cancer for that.

When have you felt most alone? I've felt most alone in the late night hours when I've been unable to sleep. I've had insomnia a lot since my surgery and it's been very difficult to deal with. Prescription medications leave me feeling drugged the entire next day so I don't like to take them. Over the counter medications help for an hour or two but not more than that. Sometimes at night, I lie awake and think about things. When I get alone with my thoughts, sometimes I focus more on fleshly things instead of spiritual things. I tend to focus on my circumstances and difficulties instead of focusing on what God's doing in my life. I know that is typical human behavior but I don't like knowing that I fall into that trap sometimes. I've also felt very alone since my cancer journey began because many of my family members have not been very supportive. I try to overlook this by considering they are just busy with their own lives but when I try to think about how I would respond if the shoe was on the other foot, I get a little down.

What has encouraged you the most through this time? My faith and my friends have encouraged me most throughout this time. I am so thankful I have a strong faith in God. If I were not a Christ follower, I'm sure I would have been totally devastated and depressed throughout this entire experience. Many of my friends have taken time to pray for me daily or to write notes of encouragement that arrive at just the perfect time. I am truly blessed.

What has been your best outlet of emotion? My best outlet of emotion has been to cry! I have cried buckets of tears since this ordeal began. Crying is a wonderful emotional release and a type of cleansing. Did you know it actually releases a type of hormone that allows your body to rid itself of toxic stress? Sometimes I punch my pillow when I get angry and just want to hit something. After punching it for a few minutes, I usually burst out laughing at how silly I must look and then I feel much better.

Do you feel like people treat you different? Sometimes my family members treat me like I'm a little more fragile and that's okay but I don't know how people out in the public view me since I haven't allowed myself to be out in the public much lately. I imagine if I were to go out without my fake boobs on, people would look at me strangely and think, "wow, she's flat chested!" I'm trying to work up enough courage to go to my 40th high school reunion this fall and I guess that will be the real test.

Do you really know and believe that you are the most beautiful daughter of the Most High King and that He loves you unconditionally and that nothing has changed from His end of things? That he still thinks you are fearfully and wonderfully made...that you are His holy sanctuary & He's not finished with you yet! Yes I do and I am so very thankful He loves me unconditionally!

Do you know that you are worthy to be loved? Yes I do, but sometimes, just once in a while, Satan whispers in my ear that I am LESS THAN. Sometimes I listen to his whispers and lies but most of the time, I call him out on it!

What is the moment you've had to be most brave? There have been several moments during this ordeal where I've had to be brave but I would say the hardest moment for me was the first time I looked in the mirror after having my surgery. I had to make myself look at the long, red, hideous scars across my chest and when I did, I just cried and cried. But as I cried, I felt God speaking to my heart, "you're still beautiful on the inside." So I was able to accept the fact that breast cancer hadn't killed me, it has just made me stronger.

Thank you for taking time to ask some very good questions. I hope I've answered them so you can understand how serious cancer is and how it changes your life forever. I pray that none of you ever have to walk through this dark valley but if you do, know that I'll be here ready to offer you my love and support. Even more importantly than that, God will be with you. He has promised never to leave or forsake you. He will give you the strength and the courage to get through whatever comes your way.

I still struggle daily but I'm just taking one moment at a time. I am thankful that even when I am weak, God is strong.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Go ahead and ask...

Instead of me writing another post today, I've decided to open up my blog for a question and answer period. This is where YOU, the reader, get to ask me any question you would like about breast cancer and how it's changed my life. This is your opportunity to know the truth without any sugar coating whatsoever. So go ahead, fire away...and if you don't know where to submit your questions, look at the bottom of this post and there will be a little pencil icon. Click on that and put your question in the comment box then click on submit or publish or whatever it says (I can't remember!) I won't answer any X rated questions people, so keep it clean. I'll post your questions and my answers in the next blog post. You can remain anonymous.