The good girl

It's amazing how childhood tendencies toward performance based acceptance carry over into adulthood. As the firstborn, I was raised to be the "good girl." For the most part, I did what I was told, when I was told. I obeyed the rules. I met expectations. I learned to please people and in so doing, I learned to push my wants aside. The waters were always smoother when the boat wasn't rocked, and I liked smooth sailing...but smooth sailing is for dreamers. The reality is the water isn't smooth for long.

When it comes to doctors, I'm a really good girl. I trust them. I listen to them. I think they know a lot more than I do because they've gone to medical school. They've done hours and hours of residencies and internships. They are the experts. I am not. So, when I was recently told by a new oncologist he wanted me to begin taking Aromasin, I didn't question. I listened as he told me it would keep my chances of a recurrence at a very low percentile. Surely he knew what he was talking about. He must have done research on the medication. He must have read my file and determined this would be a good option for me, or maybe not.

Good girls don't voice their opinions. They are compliant. The obey orders. I was a good girl. When I left his office, I was not feeling like a good girl. I was upset. I was angry. I wasn't necessarily angry at the doctor, I was angry at myself. I had wanted to speak up. I had wanted to tell the doctor I didn't want to take the medication, but he had breezed in and breezed out in under 5 minutes. I wasn't happy but I walked out of his office without saying a word. I was a good girl.

On my way home, I struggled. Feelings of unfairness swirled around in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick. Why was I such a good girl? Why couldn't I speak up? In the seat next to me lay the printed prescription. I wanted to roll down the window and let it accidentally slip away.

I'd read about Aromasin while doing research on anti-hormone therapy. There were three Aromtase Inhibitors doctors usually recommended for women who were post menopausal: Arimidex, Aromasin, and Femara. All of these drugs acted in a similar manner although the side effects varied. I had already tried Arimidex and had to stop it because of the debilitating side effects. I was afraid of trying another drug in this category, but I would be compliant. The doctor knew best.

Reluctantly, I took the prescription, went to the drugstore and got it filled. At home, I opened the bottle and looked at the 30 tiny, white pills inside. I wondered how something so small could be so powerful. Placing the cap back on the bottle, I sat it on the counter. I didn't want to take the medicine just yet although I knew I would eventually. I was a good girl.

The medication sat on my counter for several days. Every time I passed the bottle, I could hear a voice inside my head telling me, "Be a good girl...take the Aromasin." There was a war going on inside my head, part of me knew I needed to be good and take the medicine. The other part of me wanted to throw the pills away and forget about them. I let the war wage on for four days and then, I gave into "good girl syndrome." On the first day of January, I opened the bottle and popped one of the tiny pills into my mouth. Yes, I was a good girl. I'd followed doctor's orders.

It was important to me to keep a log of how I felt on the medication, so I began a journal. Days 1-4 were great, I experienced no side effects at all. I was pleased and thankful I'd been willing to follow through and give this medicine a try. I couldn't help but think, maybe this one will be magic. Maybe this will be the pill I've been waiting for all along, but that was before the medication had a chance to build up in my system...that was before the side effects began.

I continued keeping my records and on day 5, I began to get some really weird headaches just to the back of my left eye. They didn't feel anything like a regular headache. They didn't feel like a sinus pressure headache. The headaches felt much more complicated, deeper and more severe. I was concerned, but I tolerated them. If I was going to experience any side effects at all, I'd rather deal with bad headaches than some of the others maladies. The headaches continued. On Day 7, I started getting depressed. Headaches and depression are not a good combination. I'm not a person who gets down in the dumps, I'm usually very upbeat and happy...more Pollyanna than anyone I know, but this tiny little pill really packed a punch. It was strong medicine and it was doing a number on me. I didn't feel so good any more. In fact, I was feeling pretty bad.

Day 8 brought a huge shock. On the shower floor, there was a lot of hair. At first I thought it was a combination of both mine and my husband's hair. I cleaned it out and the next day noticed even more hair. My husband commented on the amount of hair he was seeing. He asked me what was happening. I told him one of the side effects of Aromasin is hair loss. He was concerned and so was I. Over the next few days, I noted more and more hair. This was not good. There was hair in the bathroom sink...hair on the floor...hair in the shower...hair everywhere. As I looked in the mirror, it wasn't immediately apparent that my hair was falling out, but as I brushed through it, I could tell my hair was much thinner than usual.

Days 9-14 the side effects got worse. I didn't feel like myself. I was continuing to have the horrible headaches. I was sad. I was depressed. My hair was falling out and now, I had no appetite. The no appetite could have been a good thing for weight loss and believe me, I did lose weight...11 pounds to be exact, but I just didn't think I could continue with all of the side effects compounding. My husband and I talked about it and we both felt it would be best for me to come off the medication. The scale of quality of life vs. quantity of live stood before us.

While there is always a chance of recurrence, we weighed the options. We had to ask ourselves some hard questions..."Is it better to take this medication for the next 5 years and have a terrible quality of life and still have the possibility of recurrence?" or "Is it better not to take the medication, rely on our faith in God for complete remission, and feel good?" We both chose the latter option.

Many doctors are pill pushers. Some even get kickbacks from the drug companies for encouraging their patients to try new medications but...each breast cancer patient/survivor has to decide what is best for her own health regimen. There are so many factors to consider and they are very personal to each woman.

My decision to stop taking the Aromasin may or may not be the right one, but I've prayed about it and I have peace. Although I am a good girl and I wanted to do what the doctor recommended, it just didn't work for me, but I did try. I know my God is able to protect me from future recurrence and I trust Him more than any medication any doctor could offer. Being compliant doesn't mean following blindly after what a doctor recommends. All patients need to be well informed and do research on the possibility of side effects, etc.

If the Aromasin hadn't caused me any physical side effects, I may have continued it, but experiencing a continuing increase in symptoms, I felt it was not worth the risk to continue on with it. Another side effect Aromasin produces is the possibility of severe bone thinning and bone fractures. I did not want to take that risk and who knows when I might have begun to deal with that.

So, I'll return to my natural health care regimen because it's worked well for me so far. Daily I take Vitamin D2, Magnesium, Potassium, Green Tea, Turmeric, Chlorophyll, Ashwaganda, and Vitamin B12. I also stay away from processed foods and eat a more vegan diet. I will continue doing research for more ways to combat cancer naturally. Apple Cider Vinegar (Bragg's with the Mother) is a great way to put my body into a more alkaline state and cancer hates living in an alkaline environment.

I'm happy with my decision. I expect to get flack from my oncologist when I tell him I've decided not to continue on this medication. I understand they have a protocol they recommend to patients for each stage of cancer treatment and he's just doing his job.

This good girl has finally decided it's okay to stand up and fight for her rights. It's my body and I have to do what's best for me. I feel really good about my decision and look forward to getting this nasty medication out of my body over the next couple of weeks. I can't wait to return to normal and to start feeling better again.

I'm sure there will be many of my friends and family who won't agree with my decision to disregard the doctor's orders. There may be some who feel it would be more beneficial for me to take one tiny pill a day rather than the large quantities of natural supplements I take instead. While I value their opinion, I must choose what's best for me. I don't have a death wish. I don't ever want to experience a recurrence, but none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. So I'll take each day as it comes and be thankful for those I'm given. And really, that's all any of us can do.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Train of thought

here i am and it's late at night i'm sitting in front of my computer with a stocking cap on my head because it's so cold outside and i just can't seem to get warm my heart is heavy tonight and i just have to write to take a little of the load off and i remembered one of my english teachers from highschool teaching us about an exercise called train of thought where you just write and don't worry about punctation or paragraphs or anything else but writing and it seems that will be the best way for me to say what i have to say tonight because i'm so tired tired of seeing all these beautiful young thirtyish women dying of triple negative breast cancer and i get so tired of seeing and reading about their struggles and my heart breaks for them because they are in the last stages of their lives and they are so full of whys and hows and whats and no one can answer and i wonder why not me why am i not in their shoes but god has been so gracious to me when i read their blogs and their posts i don't hear any hope and that makes me cry because i can't imagine going through this struggle without hope because it's the one thing that has kept me going and i don't want to give in i want to cling to hope and never let go there's a young mother named jenny who has two small children and she's just found out the cancer has spread to her brain and she's had to start chemo again and she's so negative in everything she writes and i just want to shake her and tell her to look up to see jesus and know even in the midst of her hard struggle there is hope so i comment and ask god to give me the words to share with her and hope that in some small way i can touch her and reach her before it's too late and then there's the famous singing duo joey and rory joey has breast cancer too and has a young child a little baby with down's syndrome and she's been fighting so hard and she has kept her faith and done her best to remain strong but her body is failing and she's wasting away and i want to ask god why but i don't dare every time i read anything it seems another young woman is sharing her cancer story how many oh lord how many will have to suffer and what is causing all these cases of cancer is it something we're eating or drinking or breathing what and it seems i'm always consumed with thinking of cancer but i don't want to be i'm so tired of it and want to be out from under it's shadow but the bottle of aromasin is always in front of me reminding me that 5 years isn't a very long time and i shout my god is bigger and i believe with all my heart that he is but there's a little voice in the back of my mind saying is he really and while i know he is i can't help but wonder sometimes if i'll make it to the 5 year mark because that's what the doctors drill into our heads but they don't know only god knows so i have to hold on to what i know is true but i do cry i cry for all the young women who are in the midst of their hard and the ones who have just found out they have cancer and for the ones like me who still need someone to come alongside them and encourage them but we don't get that we get forgotten and it's not fair so maybe something needs to be done about it and i have to go to the dentist next week and have a tooth pulled and i'm not looking forward to that i don't need or want any more pain i hate dentists and i just want to run away sometimes but i was looking on the internet at beach houses and thinking about vacation this year and whether or not we'll go to the beach again and i'm trying really hard not to be such a long range planner but i always have been and it's hard to stop i don't even know what tomorrow holds so how can i plan months in advance i need to stop and just be in the moment it's hard but i'm trying to learn to do that to just be present and to be mindful and that's all i have to say right now because it's late and it's time for bed but i'm not really tired so i'll go read a while and hopefully drift off to sleep and think about nothing because tomorrow as soon as i wake up my brain will be pumping and the thoughts will be flowing and it will all start all over again

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Today's an Eeyore day

Winnie the Pooh, is a childhood story by A. A. Milne. The main characters in the book are Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin, Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore. Winnie the Pooh is a rotund, lovable, always hungry bear. Christopher Robin is Pooh's owner, a little boy filled with childhood dreams and wonder. Piglet is Pooh's best friend, a little pink piggy who stutters when he talks. Tigger is a stuffed tiger full of energy and bounce, and then, there's Eeyore. Eeyore is a donkey who is always down in the dumps. All of the characters in the story are stereotypes of various personalities. A. A. Milne used their characters to weave a childhood tale that has captured the hearts of many. I love the book and love the characters, all except Eeyore. I never liked him much.

We live in a stereotypical world and cancer fighters are among those faced with many stereotypes. We're supposed to look a certain way and feel a certain way. If we don't, we don't fit the mold. But for many survivors, it's not easy to put on the brave or happy face that others may expect.

I've had a lot of folks tell me I'm "brave" for being so happy and positive through my journey. They admire how I've adapted and grown through my experience. Usually, I am a happy go lucky person like Winnie the Pooh. I do pretty well in the face of adversity, but sometimes, that's not how I truly feel. I don't always feel like putting on a happy face.

One thing I'd like people to understand is that cancer continues to affect you long after its left your body. The physical fatigue and maintenance therapy is just the beginning. Then there's the emotional aspect of facing mortality and realizing you'll never truly be your old self again. On top of all that is the constant barrage of medical expenses.

But completing treatment is seen as a great victory. It's something that needs to be celebrated. The celebrations cause us to be seen as heroes although we're really just wounded warriors.

When treatment is "finished" we're expected to keep that happy face glued on, but that expectation is unfair. Many survivors suck it up and keep their true feelings hidden wondering why they aren't able to be as brave as they should be. They put a lot of pressure on themselves trying to live up to the expectations of others.

Expecting someone to be happy they survived cancer is like telling veterans of war, who suffer from PTSD, they should just be glad they're alive. It isn't very easy to be grateful for the worst thing you've ever experienced and I know Eeyore could certainly understand that.

Yes, today's an Eeyore kind of day. Sometimes, I really hate that I got cancer. I hated having to suffer through it. And I really hate what it's done to my body.  None of my clothes fit any more. I look hideous without clothes on. I get tired for no reason. I have become moody and sometimes, yes, I even suffer depression. I don't like it. I'm not an Eeyore at heart.

I don't always feel blessed. I don’t always feel brave. I don’t always feel proud. I don’t always feel glad to be alive. Not all the time. More than anything, I feel tired. It's been 18 months...and I'm still not done with this. Being tired just isn't me.

So I'm writing this to let you know we don't always feel like we're brave when we beat cancer. We don't always feel like putting on a facade and pretending to be happy. Some days are Eeyore days. Sometimes we just want to admit it's hard and sometimes we just feel like wallowing in self pity and that's okay.

And tomorrow, perhaps the little black rain cloud that's hovering over me today will be gone and I'll be having a Winnie the Pooh sort of day...or maybe, if I'm feeling really good, I'll be having a Tigger sort of day, and that's okay too! Being open and honest about how I'm feeling is a good thing and I think it's healthy to admit sometimes I'm feeling a bit down. As long as I don't stay there, I know I'm doing just fine. If I ever find myself being unable to get out from under the gloom of depression though, I'll know I need to get some help and get it fast! Being a permanent Eeyore isn't something I can see myself doing now or ever.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Day 4, so far so good

Today is the fourth day I've been on Aromasin and so far, knock on wood, I haven't noticed any side effects whatsoever! This is great news and I'm hoping it will last. I've been dreading side effects because Aromasin has some pretty severe ones associated with it.

When I first decided to take the medication, I looked up all of the side effects. The ones that scared me the most were hair loss and bone fractures. Isn't that funny to think I'd be afraid of hair loss? But I am. I don't think I'd look good without hair. Some people have great face shapes and look beautiful even with bald, shiny heads but I wouldn't be one of those. I have a very round face and my head would look like a big, giant melon. To top it off, my hair has just finally reached shoulder length. It has taken me from June of 2014 to get it here. I like my hair and want to keep it, but I have been noticing several loose hairs on the shower floor lately...

I was also terrified of bone fractures. Apparently this medication can cause severe bone thinning. I've only had a few broken bones in my life. Once, when I was very young, my forearm was accidentally broken by my sister. She was running and jumping (according to stories my Mom tells) and somehow, ended up landing smack dab on my arm. I don't remember it, but I was told it was a "greenstick" fracture. The only other bones I've had broken were my tibia and fibula on my right leg. Those were nasty breaks from a terrible motor vehicle accident. I remember those well and I remember the pain. On a level of 1-10, those breaks ranked off the charts. That is one reason I don't ever want to experience any bone fractures again and I couldn't even imagine just walking across the floor and a leg bone snapping into pieces. Or, heaven forbid, bumping up against something and a bone shattering....

To say I've been living in dread, while on this medication, is quite accurate. There are many more side effects I haven't mentioned like the possibility of heart attack or stroke, difficulty breathing, severe fatigue, weight gain (my worst nightmare), and others. But, as I said in the beginning of this post, so far, so good! I'm so happy. It's almost too good to be true and I'm waiting for something drastic to occur although I shouldn't be.

Today, I came across a verse of Scripture that addressed my fears. It's found in the book of Proverbs chapter 1 verse 33 and it says, "whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." When I first read it, it didn't sink in, so I read it again. The second time I read it, I realized I've been dreading disaster while on this medication. I've been expecting the worst. Isn't that just like us, as humans, to always be expecting the "other shoe to drop?" And that's exactly where Satan wants us to be...in a state of fear. He wants us to be fearful because he knows he has power over us when we don't walk in truth. This is a dangerous time because when we are afraid, we do our best to control things and fix things and make things all right. Our fears can overpower us and hold us captive. But look back at the verse in Proverbs. It says, ""whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." Whoever listens to me (that's Jesus speaking) will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster. That tells me that no matter what I think or feel or expect to happen, it's not necessarily going to happen and if I choose to listen to what God says, over those screaming, fearful voices in my head, I will be at peace...at ease...it will be okay. I won't have to dread disaster coming. I won't have to be afraid. Whew!

One of my favorite books of all time is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's filled with allegories of Biblical truth. If you've never read it, you should! One of the characters in the book is called Much-Afraid (she symbolizes a young, fearful girl who has much to learn about life and I see myself in her character.) The Shepherd (Jesus) is talking to Much-Afraid encouraging her to continue on in her journey. Craven Fear is symbolic of Satan. This is an except from the book:

Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to being trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 
That little segment speaks volumes and certainly ties in with the Scripture in Proverbs.

God doesn't want me to live in a state of fear or dread expecting the worst, but Satan does. God wants me to walk in freedom knowing He's got me in the palm of His hand and He's not going to let anything happen to me. He's in control. And with that in mind, if He chooses to allow any side effects to touch my life, it'll be okay. He'll take care of me. I can always talk to my doctor and let him know the medication is causing problems. I can stop taking it at any point. But, I'm going to trust God in this because I know that's what I should do.

Before I started taking the medication, I waited two weeks. I prayed about it. I asked God what I should do. I didn't know if I should take it or not. My doctor was pushing me to take it, but doctors sometimes have other reasons for wanting you to take medication and the Great Physician trumps any medical doctor I currently see.

So....I'm just thankful! I'm so happy to be able to take the medication without any side effects. This was an unexpected surprise! I don't know why I wasted so much energy on fearing the worst. Hopefully, this month, of trial on the Aromasin, will be a good one and I can continue for the next 5 years as the doctor hopes. It will be a good thing if it works out that way. Keeping cancer at bay is my goal and I don't ever want to experience a recurrence. I've got too much life ahead of me to live as Much-Afraid did.

Tomorrow will be day 5. I'll take one day at a time and I'll trust my Shepherd to lead me all the way. It's so much nicer to be free from the heavy burden of dread. It can leave me on the edge of my moments feeling exhausted and that's no way to live. Thank goodness, I can trust in Jesus and be at ease!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The word is Joy

Every New Year's Eve, I ask God to give me a word on which to focus throughout the year. Last year, my word was TRUST. This year, God gave me the word JOY. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting this to be the word He'd chosen for me, but I know He has His reasons. Last year, when He gave me the word TRUST, I never dreamed I'd rely on that one word so much in my life, but God knew. Last year was filled with challenges that I never could have managed to meet without trusting Him for wisdom, guidance, and direction.

Years ago, I started the tradition of seeking God for His specific word for me at the beginning of the new year. I don't remember what prompted me to do it, it must have been something I'd read somewhere. Maybe it was something one of my favorite Christian authors encouraged or maybe it was a blog post I'd read on the internet...in any event, I thought it was a good habit to get into, so I adopted it for myself.

So this year's word is JOY. When I feel God speaking to my heart about a specific word, I usually begin by asking Him to confirm what I'm hearing. I do this by spending a lot of time in prayer and by digging into the Bible. When I am sure of the word He's given, the next thing I do is look up all the definitions I can find of that word, even if I already know what it means. By doing this, I always learn something new.

Joy's definition:
1, the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4. a state of happiness or felicity.

Okay, so I've got the meaning of the word. The next thing I do is find verses in the Bible that contain the word and then I study them individually. My Bible is the Amplified version and I love it because it contains extra information gleaned from the original Greek and Hebrew. For example, here's the first couple of verses I want to focus on this year, James 1:2-3. The New International version of the Bible says it this way: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." But look at how much more detail the Amplified Bible gives: "Consider it nothing but joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into various trials. Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]." With that verse in mind, I then begin to apply it to my life and ask God to help me understand what He has to say to me from that verse. 

If you've been reading my blog since it's inception, you'll know I've written a little on this subject before, but please allow me to touch on it once again. How is it possible to consider cancer with joy? The only way to do it is to see it through God's eyes and to know He allowed it into my life. And no, when I was first diagnosed, I did not in any way, shape, or form consider breast cancer to be joyful. I felt abandoned and forgotten. I felt bewildered and alone. But, since my diagnosis, God has taken me on a wonderful journey. He's increased my faith exponentially throughout this ordeal. 

It's only been 18 months since I received my initial diagnosis. In that year and a half, I have been through so much emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Would I change anything over that period of time? Not really. I might have changed the way I reacted and the way I perceived things, but I wouldn't change anything else. Oh, sure! I wish I'd never been given the horrible news that cancer was residing in my body, but looking back...even what was meant to destroy me has been used for my good. 

Only God could know that sending the trial of breast cancer my way would produce in me the desired spiritual maturity He deemed necessary. Don't get me wrong...I certainly have not learned all He wants to teach me through this and I'm sure there are still many bumps in the road ahead. With His grace and mercy, I'll meet those difficult times and hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze a little joy into the journey. 

Joy. Yes, Lord. I agree. It's a fitting word for me this year. I haven't focused much on joy lately, in fact, I think I've been far from it with my complaining and my griping. I've been caught up in all the discomfort I've been feeling with my swollen arms, the bulging discs in my back, and the physical fatigue. Pain isn't very joyful. I haven't been feeling joy at all. I can't even remember the last time I rejoiced. So thank you, God, for giving me this word for the year. I look forward to what you have to teach me about joy and rejoicing. Today, another Bible verse just popped into my head as I was about to wind up this post - "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24. 

Yes, it's often easier, especially when you're feeling rotten to complain, but I don't want to always do that. Joy is a choice and today, I choose joy!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another new year

It's so hard to believe today is January 1, 2016. It sounds so unreal...two thousand sixteen...wow! When I was a child growing up in the late 1950's and early 1960's, I never dreamed I'd even exist in the year 2016. It was fun to watch the Jetsons on TV and dream of the future, but to be in the middle of it is incomprehensible. Celebrating another new year has caused me to really take things in perspective and to really focus on time.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I removed my watch and haven't put it back on since. I didn't want to be cognizant of time. I wanted to learn to live in the moment and for the past year and a half, it's been wonderful to do just that very thing. I've found myself being more present. Time has taken on a new meaning. Isn't it strange that it took cancer to give me this gift? The beautiful ugliness of cancer has caused all things important in my life to rise to the surface. I've learned to let the things that didn't matter slough off like dead skin on the bottom of dry, hard, calloused feet. The things that matter are in front of me now...front and center...my faith, my family, my friends.

Today, I was forced to consider time in a new way. Instead of focusing on the present, I looked to the future. I wondered how much time I have left on this journey. I don't think about my life that way very often, but as I looked at the bottle of Aromasin sitting in my cabinet, I couldn't help but wonder if it would help prolong my life...perhaps help buy a little more time.

I'd had that bottle of Aromasin sitting in the cabinet for a little over a week and a half. The oncologist had given it and instructed me to begin taking it right away but I didn't. I had to think long and hard about it, but this was the day. I'd talked with my husband about whether or not he thought I should take it. We'd sat at the kitchen table joining hands and asking God for wisdom and direction. We'd asked for His protection. I picked up the pill bottle and held it in my hand turning it around and around. Should I or shouldn't I? I wasn't really sure but Phil said I should at least try it for a month. One month. We'd decided it was a good idea to try this medication for one month, kind of a trial run. We wanted to see if it would really help. Our hope was it would provide a way to gain more time.

I looked at the tiny white pill as it rested in the fleshy folds of my hand. It was so minuscule and yet, it contained a very powerful formulation of medication. How could such a little pill pack such a powerful punch to the hormone Estrogen in my body? I didn't understand it and didn't pretend to, I just took the pill.

The Aromasin went down easily with a glass of water. As I took it, I prayed I wouldn't experience the nasty side effects that went along with this type of medication. I didn't want my hair to fall out and I didn't want to have my bones become brittle and weak. It was scary taking this risk.

Time. Before me lie 365 days of unknown future. As I write this, I stare at a little plaque that sits on my desk. It says, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." As I think about my past, my present and my future, I know God has always been there and always will be. As I wonder about what's in store for me in this new year, one of my favorite verses of Scripture pops into my head - " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That verse is one I cling to on a daily basis, especially now.

It's hard to explain the way breast cancer has changed my perspective on life. Others who've suffered from cancer or debilitating diseases can probably understand a little more easily than those of you who are in perfectly good health. I guess what I hope to convey in this post is my desire to cherish each and every moment God sees fit to give me. I don't want to take any of them for granted like I did in the past and that is why I can honestly say cancer has been a gift. It's been a teaching gift, one that has taught me such valuable lessons I might never have learned had I not been given the opportunity to walk this path.

Have you ever noticed the name of my blog? I named it Journey Into Pink. I wanted to choose a name that would embody how I saw my experience with cancer. A journey is defined as:

1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
2. a period of travel
3. passage or progress from one stage to another

I never intended to spend any length of time on the road with cancer. My intention was to walk through it and come out victorious on the other side. I always have seen myself as a sojourner, a traveler passing through this life. One thing I've learned on my journey is God's timing determines the length and duration of my journey. 

So this year, as I begin the first day of this new segment of my life, I am grateful. When I got out of bed this morning, the first thing I did was give thanks to God for another day of life. I may not know how many days I have left, but I know who holds my future. 

There are 29 pills left in that bottle. I will take another tomorrow morning. Yes, I will pray again and hope for the best but I will choose not to be afraid of tomorrow. My time is in His hands and I will choose to take it one moment at a time.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I waited on the big moments in my life while trying to live faithfully through the small ones. Now, that way of life feels so strange to me. I live in the big, open grace of the small moments and wait expectantly and humbly for the big moments to come. The small things have come to matter so much more...a fire in the fireplace, a mug of tea in my hand, the smile of a grandchild, a kiss from my husband...all of those things are priceless treasures of time. Cancer has slowed me down and caused me to see more clearly. I hope this new year will help you see things in a new light. It's so easy to take moments for granted...they slip away so quickly and when they're gone, you can never get them back. Hold on tightly to the things that matter most and let the rest fall away. It's a new day...a new year, a new chance at learning to live life well. I hope you choose wisely. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Fighting with myself

What a struggle decision making can be at times, especially when those decisions can impact your life in ways that may not always be positive. I have a big decision to make and I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with this decision for several weeks now. Weighing the pros and cons hasn't made it any easier. Talking with my husband hasn't brought me any peace either. I've taken it to God and haven't received a clear answer....it's been really challenging. So what's the big decision? Well, here goes.

When you have breast cancer, no one gives you a set plan on how things are going to proceed. Sure, the doctors tell you what they want to do and supposedly they gather together with all the physicians on your "team" and meet to discuss you case. This meeting is called a "tumor board." It allows the doctors to share their opinions and suggest the best course of treatment for their patient. (I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when my doctors were meeting about me. I wonder what they said. But, regrettably, I wasn't invited to attend.) When the decision was made for my healthcare, I was told what they had decided. Of course, I had the right to refuse their treatment plan, but who was I? I didn't have the medical expertise to balk at their suggestions so I accepted them and followed them, to a degree.

Before deciding what I'd do, I did a lot of research. I read many books. I searched for hours on the web. I wanted to make an informed decision and when I met with my oncologist to discuss the treatment plan, I was able to present my reasons based on case histories and test results. I think Dr. Feinstein was impressed.

The original plan in my case was to be surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed by anti-hormone therapy for five years. I'd read so many horror stories about chemo so I made a  point to talk with my doctor about it. When I asked him point blank to tell me, if I were his wife or daughter, if he would recommend chemotherapy for me, he was frank. He told me no. I was surprised by his answer but I was glad he was truthful. It made me respect him even more. So, I didn't do chemo. I did, however, do radiation treatments. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. I knew chemo was really bad for me because it was putting poison into my system. I knew it would make me extremely ill, cause my hair to fall out and cause me to become extremely nauseated and fatigued. I knew I would get much worse before I got any better. With the radiation, I figured it wouldn't be too bad because I'd already had a good bit of radiation from past x-rays and other tests. I knew you couldn't really feel it, so I did it. Boy was I wrong. About halfway through my treatments, my skin was burned severely and I became so fatigued I could barely move. (But, I made it through 28 rounds! In fact, I was supposed to have had 33 rounds with 5 booster rounds at the end and the radiation oncologist told me I'd done so well she was able to reduce my treatment plan. I was so glad to hear that.) Now those treatments are over and the next phase of my treatment should have already begun. In fact, it should have begun last August.

The third phase of my treatment was to be anti-hormone therapy. Since I was post menopausal, the oncologist wanted to put me on an aromatase inhibitor or AI, as they call them, so he started me on Arimidex. Arimidex was fairly new and there wasn't a lot of data on it. I tried to read and find as much as I could on it. I read about the side effects and prayed I wouldn't have any of them as I started the medication. Unfortunately, I had all of them! I knew after a few weeks, I wouldn't be able to stay on this medication. I called the doctor and told him. He explained the type cancer I had (invasive ductal carcinoma stage 2B with metastasis to the lymph nodes) was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone. He told me if we didn't block those hormones, the chances of the cancer coming back were very real. He suggested I try Tamoxifen, the old tried and true breast cancer medication. So, being the good girl that I am, I tried it. It did the same thing Arimidex did plus some.

After having been on 2 different anti-hormone therapies and having bad results, I decided to go the natural route. I made huge changes to my diet. I began taking all sorts of supplements. I was determined I was going to live and I talked to God about it. I felt like I was doing the right thing, until this past doctor's visit with a new oncologist.

The new doctor wanted me to be on anti-hormone therapy and was insistent about my taking a drug and taking it now. He wanted me to be on Aromasin, also called Exemestane. He made me feel like it was urgent and that's where my struggle comes in. I just don't know what to do. While I want to do what's best for my body, I also want to live.

I looked at my face in the mirror today and I saw tiny little peach fuzz hairs all along the outer edges of my face. This is an indicator that my body is continuing to produce Estrogen...not a good sign where cancer is concerned, especially cancers that are fed by Estrogen. And I thought maybe I should be taking the medication to block it. But then again, I thought God made my body produce Estrogen for a reason...to give me healthy skin, hair, bones, nails, etc. If I took some medication that blocked that hormone, wouldn't that be detrimental to my body? Of course, it would! That's why my hair would start falling out and my bones would start thinning and I'd be at a greater risk of fractures and moods would change and I'd be so tired and fatigued all the time. So what's a girl to do????

I've been fighting with myself all day trying to justify doing what the doctor said. I talked to my husband about it and he wants me to try the medication for one month and see how I do on it. I'm afraid.

Sometimes I just wish God would speak in a loud, clear, audible voice and tell me what to do. I wish I could hear Him say, "YES, BONNIE, TAKE THE MEDICINE OR NO, BONNIE, JUST TRUST ME." I have a big faith and I know God's in control but sometimes, I think he uses doctors to accomplish His plan too. Maybe I'm totally wrong on this. Maybe I'm not making the right decision, but I guess I'll do what my husband and the doctor want me to do...I'll try the medication for one month. If I experience any bad side effects, I can stop the medication immediately. And maybe, just maybe, I won't have any at all and that would be wonderful!

There are days when I wish I could just turn back the hands of time. I wish I could go back to my pre-cancer days. I wish I had found a doctor who would have been a little less aggressive in being so eager to perform surgery and follow the standard breast cancer treatment plan. It's so hard to know the right thing to do. All you can do is trust your heart and do what you feel is best for you. Sometimes you make a great decision and other times, maybe not, but really and truly, it's your body and you're the only one who can decide what's best for you and your situation.

I'm still not really sure what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it anyway and hope for the best. I'm not taking the attitude that I'll just make a decision and expect God to bless it...I'd never be so bold or presumptuous. But even if I take the medication, I can choose to trust God while taking it. I can ask Him to protect me from severe side effects and I believe He will. On the other hand, if I don't take it, I trust God enough to know He is fully capable of completely healing me if He chooses to do so. He's also capable of keeping the cancer from ever recurring.

Maybe my sister's voice keeps echoing in my head. When I told her, after my last medical report that I was cancer free, she said, "you've dodge a bullet this time." Maybe I keep thinking she was right and maybe I should have stayed on medication the entire time instead of taking almost an entire year off with nothing.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new year. I'll be entering my second year of life after being diagnosed with breast cancer. I want to be around for as long as God will allow. Medicine or no medicine...that is the $50,000 question...

That bottle of Aromasin is sitting in my cabinet. I see it every day when I open the doors. I keep feeling like I'm supposed to take it. Would God prompt me to take the medicine? Maybe. I just don't know...but tomorrow, after we've rung in the new year, I'll take the first pill out of the bottle. I'll get a glass of water and chase it down while saying a prayer asking God for His protection. Some folks might think I'm making a big deal out of nothing but really, I'm not.

Every decision I make in my life, I bathe in prayer. I have to because my faith is my anchor. I don't always have a clear answer and those are the times I think God really wants me to step out in faith, so I do. This is one of those times. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, happy New Year's eve.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved