Putting on my armor

Most of the people who know me, know I'm a very visual person. I learn best through visual analogies and often give them to my family and friends as I try to explain myself. With this in mind, I have visualized my body as being invaded by the enemy Cancer. Since I can physically feel the tumor, I know it's there and I know it doesn't belong. That tumor has dug in deep and has made a home in MY territory.

In our lives, most of us can pick and choose which battles we want to fight. We are the ones who get to decide whether or not we want to put forth the energy to wage war. Battles can come in the form of family drama, emotional turmoil, workplace situations, or physical challenges. We can choose to fight those battles or run away from them. In the case of Cancer however, that battle CHOOSES us. If we don't fight it, we will ultimately lose.

Fighting a battle requires knowledge of the enemy and his tactics. In the case of family drama, one can often predict the outcome of the situation. Emotional turmoil can often be curtailed by shutting down or tuning out. Workplace situations can often be diffused by those with power to intervene. Physical challenges are different. It's often difficult to predict what the enemy of disease will do, even for trained physicians. Most of them can only make calculated guesses and work on a trial and error basis.

Cancer is a difficult foe. It can mutate and grow with no warning. It affects each person in very different ways. Although Cancer is a formidable foe, it can be eradicated. There are many weapons available to wage the war on Cancer. Chemotherapy, Radiation, Surgery, and Medication are some of the tools available today. Those tangible weapons are powerful indeed, but the most powerful weapon of all is the mind.

A diagnosis of Cancer immediately invokes fear. The fear comes from facing the unknown. Fear is one of the most favorite weapons our enemy, Satan, chooses. He chooses it because he knows that if he can get us to embrace that fear; he's already won half of the battle. Our mind is the battlefield. We wage war on a daily basis as thoughts invade our minds. This is why it's so important to "take every thought captive..." as it says in 2 Corinthians 10:5.

On Thursday, June 5, 2014, I received my diagnosis of Breast Cancer. The Doctor of Radiology was very blunt in delivering the information and immediately I felt an overwhelming fear in my heart. That fear was a fear of the unknown...a fear of impending doom...a fear of death. As a firm believer in Jesus Christ, I know that the fear was something that was not from God. How do I know this? I know this because the Bible tells me that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind. So what do you think I did when I felt that fear rising up inside of me? Naturally, in the flesh, I allowed it a few days to creep in and settle down. Then, I was reminded of God's Word and I immediately put on my spiritual armor and stood firm! I told myself that enough is enough!

Reinforcements came alongside me through my new nurse navigator, who called yesterday to tell me in no uncertain terms was I alone. She assured me that she would be with me every step of the way on this journey. She provided me with a 24 hour cell phone number and told me that I could call with anything...yes, anything that concerned me. I've also had family and friends step up, linking arms with me as we prepare to battle. They've given me more love and encouragement than I ever expected.

Tomorrow, I march forward. I'll be going to meet with the breast specialist, a well trained surgeon. We'll lay out the maps of my biopsies and mammograms. We'll talk strategy and prepare for war! I know too that God will be right there with me because He's promised in His Word to never leave or forsake me. He's also given me clear instruction "Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice."

Trudging into enemy territory is scary for any soldier. It's easy for me to say that I feel strong since I haven't yet begun the physical battle but, do I feel well equipped for the war ahead, YES! Am I confident that I will be victorious..YES! No matter the outcome, I know that God has already gone before me and prepared the way...He's the forward guard.  As I lift my foot and prepare to set it down firmly on the battlefield, I'm confident that this war will be won valiantly...not by me, but by my Savior, Jesus Christ. All I can say at this point is LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!

©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

[Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). 2 Corinthians 10:5 Amplified Bible

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 Amplified Bible 

 Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6 Amplified Bible

Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.Isaiah 41:10 Amplified Bible

Let it go

The popular children's movie, Frozen, has prompted mothers, fathers, people of all kinds to make cute videos singing one of the key songs from the movie, "Let it go." While I've never seen the movie, nor listened to the entirety of the song, the title has special meaning to me.

Since receiving my diagnosis of Breast Cancer last Thursday, I have struggled. I've cried a thousand tears, I've questioned God, I've tried to understand why I have this invasive disease tearing away at my body. I've read many informative articles on the internet and have done all that I can to become informed and knowledgeable. I've spent the past few nights tossing and turning as the zillions of "what if" questions poured through my mind...will my husband still love me when I have a disfigured body, will my hair fall out, will I experience a lot of pain, will I die. All of those questions are important to have answered but the most important one I've struggled with is why. So, I asked God and this is the answer I received...

I did not receive the gift of Cancer for any reason other than for God's glory. Did you catch that I said the "gift of Cancer"? I'm choosing to call it a gift because I know that God is going to use it in my life to do several things. The first thing He's going to use it for is to teach me to FULLY trust Him in all things. I've prayed for years for Him to deepen my faith...and I'm sure that this is part of the answer to that prayer. He's also going to use it to allow me to minister His love to others. How do I know this? Because if I am able to glorify Him during the midst of my suffering, then I'm sure others will see that God is good. Even when trials come and when difficulties enter our lives, we can CHOOSE to either let go and trust God or we can choose to struggle on our own.

Have you ever seen a drowning person in the midst of a deep blue sea...flailing their arms about, screaming for someone to come and help them? When the rescuer comes, with life vest in tow, the drowning person frantically thrashes about. Grabbing at the rescuer, the drowning person almost takes down the very person who came to help. Often times, the rescuer will actually have to knock the drowning victim out to get them to relax and allow help to occur. God showed me today that this is exactly where I am. I've been thrashing about, struggling to understand why, fighting with all that is within me to keep from drowning. Why have I been doing this when all I've had to do is reach up and take His mighty hand?

Today I've chosen to "let it go" as the Frozen song says. I'm choosing to just rest in God's love knowing that none of this was a surprise to Him. It's hard to fathom that even before I was conceived in my mother's womb, He knew that this day would come. I'm so thankful that I did not know it before last Thursday!

I'm not going to say that this journey won't be difficult for me; I know it will be. But how I face the journey is up to me. If I choose to walk the path in my own strength, I will slip deep into the deep blue sea sinking into the unknown. If I choose to take God's mighty hand and trust Him to lead me through, I know I will rise above the raging waters of this nasty sea of Cancer and I will survive. If I can bring glory to God during my journey by being obedient and relying on Him, then I'll know that His gift of Cancer has been for my benefit. The choice is up to me and I choose life. I CHOOSE to let it go. I am going to choose to praise God in this storm. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

Praise you in the Storm - Casting Crowns video

Modesty out the window?

June 8, 2014

In elementary school, I think I was in about the 4th grade, all of my girl friends began developing their breasts. My parents always used to tease me and tell me that I was "flat as a board." I admit, I was a little slower than most at developing, but I'll never forget the day my mother brought home a new bra for me. "It's a training bra" she said. A training bra, what the heck was that, I wondered? Do your boobs have to be trained? I didn't really know. This little "training bra" was a stretchy lace strip of fabric with two shoulder straps that hooked in the back. It would cover the "girls" and help me feel a little less self conscious.  I was so proud of that little bra and the next day at school, couldn't wait to tell my friends that I'd gotten one. In the restroom, one of my friends was taking toilet paper and wadding it up to stuff into her training bra. I watched amazed as she instantly went from a no cup to a B cup. "Try it" she said and I did. I had a hard time adjusting my toilet paper boobs and inevitably one was bigger than the other. I'd take out the paper and readjust it until I got it right. Hurriedly, I worked to manipulate them into place. We laughed as we went back to class and sat down.  We wore our "falsies" all through class and right before time to go home, we'd yank them out so our mothers wouldn't know.

When I was in the eighth grade in  high school, all the girls had to "dress out" for P.E. I never wanted anyone to see me and I'd always find an excuse to run into the bathroom and change. I've always been a very modest person and have always tried my best to keep myself covered even at visits to the doctor's office. But when you have Breast Cancer, it doesn't matter how hard you try... modesty goes out the window.

The day I went in for my very first mammogram, I knew I was going to be embarrassed to death. I dreaded it and made every excuse I could not to go. My mother encouraged me to go, "you need to get a baseline done when you turn 40," she said. I did not want to have to "bare it all" especially in front of someone I'd never met before. I know what you're thinking...those medical personnel are trained to have the attitude "if you've seen one, you've seen them all" but my breasts were mine. I didn't want anyone else to see them.

When the nurse took me back to the dressing room and showed me where the gowns were, I was so thankful I would have an opportunity to cover up. The nurse told me to be sure and put the gown on with the opening in the front. Of course I've always been obedient so I did as I was told. There were several ribbons to tie up the opening and I fastened every single one of them.When she came to get me and take me to the mammogram room, she looked at me and laughed. I must have made a questioning face because she immediately commented, "well, I've never seen anyone tie themselves up as well as you have, dear!" "Oh great, now she thinks I'm a prude!"

I followed her into the exam room and she tells me to untie the ribbons and expose myself. Now you'd have to know me to understand exactly how uncomfortable I was at that very moment. I decided that the only way I was going to get through this was to pretend that I wasn't standing there in the room in the presence of a total stranger with my boobs hanging out. So I tried to think of my favorite camping spot on Cumberland Island. I fixed my mind on the grand Oak trees and shady Spanish Moss. It worked for a second or two but then she was right next to me.

She explained that she had to place my breast in various positions and then she would be lowering the clear plastic plates down and tightening them in place until she got the best image of my breast. I was even more uncomfortable as she lifted my breast up and moved it into position. I made a point of not looking down at what she was doing because I didn't want to see, and I didn't want her to know how embarrassed I was as she proceeded. I couldn't wait for that experience to be over and vowed never to go get a mammogram again.

There have been many cartoons drawn about the painful experiences of mammograms. I think someone has said that if you wanted to know what a mammogram felt like to go stand in front of the refrigerator, open the door and slam it on your boob several times. That's a pretty accurate description! I've never felt as much pain in my life. First to be totally humiliated by having to stand naked from the waist up in front of a stranger, then having your boobs squashed into pancakes first vertically and then horizontally and then...at 90 degrees!

Needless to say, my modesty went out the window after the fourth mammographer had done her thing and then the ultrasound tech got a chance to do hers. When the radiologist came in to talk to me about the results, I was totally over it. Here was another stranger, and this time a man, who was getting a sneak peak at my breasts. For heaven's sake! Must I abandon all hope of dignity?

You'd think after all of that I could just "whip" them out for any old medical staff, now wouldn't you? But I'm still modest. I still cover myself as much as I can and hope the staff will respect my need for privacy. I know they have to do their job and I don't want to hinder them, but please!

Maybe you think I'm being childish and maybe I am, but couldn't we just try to keep things under wraps? I've never been one for indecent exposure and I'm not about to start now!  I wish I was back in the fourth grade, getting adjusted to my new training bra. That beautiful little lace slip of fabric would feel so nice in my hands right about now. But then again, I may find myself back in a training bra soon. The doctors are talking about mastectomy and if I have to have that done, I won't be wearing a prosthetic. I'll just be flat as a pancake once again and this time, I'll wear the badge of courage instead. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

A load lightened

June 7, 2014

Today I decided to let my friends and family know about my diagnosis. Of course, the fastest and easiest way to let many know all at once is through social media so I posted one of my favorite quotations as well as my diagnosis on Facebook. The quotation really spoke to my heart because it speaks the truth of who God is...""God allows in His wisdom that which He could easily prevent by His power"~ Graham Cooke. I'm sure many, when first diagnosed with Cancer, take the attitude "why me?" but really we should be asking ourselves "why NOT me?" In the book of Matthew, the Bible tells us "He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45) So I can accept my diagnosis knowing that God has allowed it to trickle through the fingers of His mighty hand and come into my life for purposes only He knows.

I feel a little lighter now that I've shared my news with my family and friends. Most of them have been very supportive and have given me wonderful words of encouragement and to those, I am very grateful. A few have criticized me for announcing that I have Cancer over the internet but in today's world, that's just the way we communicate.

The mail brought confirmation of my diagnosis today in the form of the printed copy of the pathology report. It makes it all very real when you see it in black and white. The internet tells me that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with some form of Breast Cancer. Those are scary statistics. It also states that 80% of women will receive the same diagnosis that I did, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. So apparently, I'm in the majority...YAY!

I've been experiencing a good deal of pain today. I'm not sure if it's from the vacuum core biopsy that I had done earlier this week or if it's just the Cancer growing. Sometimes I feel like I have an alien being in my body (I guess I've watched too much TV in my lifetime) and I just want to get it out of me! Just thinking about surgery scares me. I don't do well with pain. I'm trying to realistic and face what I know is coming but I don't want to have to face it.

My husband has been doting on me since I received the news and today my youngest daughter has come to visit. I see her out of the corner of her eye looking at me. I know what she's thinking...she's wondering what the future holds for me. Little does she know that I wonder that too. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

My Cancer has a name

June 6, 2014

Not knowing may have been better, but I asked the doctor today to tell me what the pathology report said. She was very honest about it and told me that I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Stage II. Apparently this is a fairly common type of breast cancer and is found in about 80% of women. That doesn't make me feel any better.

I will see the oncologist next week and hopefully have a better idea what lies ahead. I'm trying not to think about the possibility of a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. It's overwhelming but I can't help wondering. It's silly but the main thing I am concerned about is losing my hair. I guess that old saying "Vanity thy name is woman" is very true. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

The Big "C" has found me!

Thursday, June 5, 2014

(A day that will live in infamy! I always wanted to say that and today, I feel as if I have the right to say it.) I never thought that I'd be writing a journal about a journey with Cancer but here goes....

Several months ago, during the process of moving to a new home, I discovered a hard lump in my right breast. At first, I didn't think anything about it and dismissed it. Several days later, I kept having this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'd better get it checked out.

We were so busy with packing up our old home and getting ready to move into our new one that I forgot all about the lump. Two months later, after getting moved into our new house and getting everything settled, I was reminded of the lump that I had conveniently forgotten. One morning, as I bathed in the shower, my hand slid across the lump in my breast. It felt larger than it had before and it felt harder too. I knew I had to get to a doctor as soon as I could.

I didn't know any doctors in this area so I jumped on the internet and searched for a doctor close by. The first women's center I called had no openings and referred me to another practice. I called them and was able to get an appointment for the following day.

When I went to the OB/GYN's office, I felt so out of place sitting there with all the pregnant women. I waited about an hour and a half before I was called back to the exam room. When the doctor entered, I could tell she was in a hurry. It was nearing the end of her work day and I'm sure she was tired. After a brief chat about my problem, she did a breast exam and told me that she'd like me to go have a diagnostic mammogram done as well as an ultrasound. She gave me the orders for those tests and I left her office after having the front desk staff fax the orders to the hospital.

The diagnostic mammogram was rougher than I remembered and I was in tears as the tech completed the last set of images. In my past mammograms, I don't remember having had the pain that I had with this one. Maybe that was because of the mass in my breast, I really don't know. The radiologist read the mammogram films and then took me over to have an ultrasound. The ultrasound was a piece of cake compared to the mammograms! As the tech applied the conductive gel to my breast, I watched on the screen as she passed the conductor over my breast. A large dark mass was clearly visible and it did not have well defined borders which would have indicated that it was a fluid filled cyst.

The radiologist came in and talked with me about the findings. He explained that the mass looked "suspicious" and that he was going to recommend a vacuum core needle biopsy. He explained that it needed to be done as quickly as possible. My head was reeling as I was processing all of this information. All I could think was Cancer, they think I have Cancer! The scheduling person came in and got me set up for the biopsy on the following Monday.

On Monday I was very nervous. I'd had biopsies before and knew they could be quite painful. My daughter had come down from Alpharetta to go with me for the tests. She knew I was scared. She was so sweet to drive all that way just to be with me. I was so thankful for the encouragement she offered me. She tried to help keep my mind off of the test as we drove to the hospital. When I arrived, it wasn't long before I was taken back into the ultrasound room. The tech explained that an ultrasound would be performed at the same time as the biopsy so they could make sure the needle was entering the exact location of the mass. The radiologist injected some topical anesthetic before he began and then made a small incision in the side of my breast. When he inserted the long core biopsy needle, I didn't feel anything but pressure at first, but as he went deeper, I felt extreme pain. I told him that I could feel what he was doing and he administered more anesthetic. Three tissue samples were taken and I was told that I would receive a call from pathology by Thursday.

Today, the call I'd dreaded came around 2:45 p.m. The radiologist, Linda Huff, said "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your pathology report indicated that you do indeed have Cancer." As soon as she said the words, I felt life being sucked out of me. I must have inhaled deeply because she said "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this. Your doctor will be calling with more instructions." After I hung up the phone, I cried for the next hour. All I could think was that I'd been handed a death sentence. I'd watched my mother in law go through breast cancer years before and had seen the way the Cancer consumed her body. How was I going to tell my husband? How was I going to tell my children? I'd been hiding for so long but now Cancer had found me. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved