An unexpected birthday present

Yesterday was my birthday. This year was more special than most because, I really was thankful to be having a birthday...yes, I was another year older, but I was thankful! I was thankful that I made it to this birthday, because in March, when I found the mass in my breast, I thought surely I would die this year....after all, when we hear the word CANCER don't we immediately associate it with the word DEATH? I know I did. So that's why I was so thankful...I was ALIVE AND NOT DEAD!

The day turned out to be a a good day. Nothing exciting happened really, it was just a peace filled day...that is, until the mail came. Amid the cards, letters, and bills, was a small package. When I opened the package, I was disappointed at this unexpected "present"...a bottle of Tamoxifen.Tamoxifen is a Breast Cancer medication that has been around for about 30 years. It's become the drug of choice for doctors to prescribe for pre-menopausal women with Breast Cancer but for post-menopausal women, like myself, aromatase inhibitors are used instead.

I had been taking an aromatase inhibitor called Arimidex as adjuvant therapy for the Breast Cancer after radiation and surgery. Five to ten years, is what I was told...I'd be taking medication for five to ten...sounded a little like a prison sentence, but hey...you have to do what you have to do to live, don't you? When the Arimidex started making me have really weird symptoms, like mood swings and deep depression, I called the Oncologist. He had me stop taking it immediately and told me to stay off of it for 4 weeks to allow my body to completely get rid of any residual medication. So I did. I thought that was that...no more meds...boy, was I wrong!

I've felt pretty good other than fighting constant fatigue, insomnia, and the Lymphedema. It's been nice not having to deal with the side effects from medication. I don't think I could have made it through those hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and the bone pain much longer. I've enjoyed my mini vacation from medication and wish I could continue forever, but I have to face reality.

It's frustrating knowing that in a couple of weeks, I'll have to start on medication once again. Every single anti-hormone therapy medication has a long list of side effects. To say I'm anxious about starting another one is an understatement. I don't relish the thought of being a medical guinea pig again. Why can't I just do nothing? Why can't I try natural things like going Vegan? Hmmm...I guess that's where trust comes in...I have to learn to trust my doctor and trust that he knows a whole lot more than I do when it comes to treating Cancer.

But how can medication that is known to cause blood clots, strokes, cataracts, hair loss, etc. be a good choice for someone who's already gone through the trauma of having both breasts removed and lymph nodes too? It doesn't make much sense to me, but then, I guess that's why he's the doctor and I'm not. Where do you draw the line though? When do you say enough is enough? It seems I have more questions than answers right now...

My unexpected present wasn't much of a gift after all, that is, unless it prolongs my life...if it can do that, then it will be a wonderful blessing. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...trial and error...that's all I can do. I guess if worse comes to worse, Dr. Feinstein will just have to take me off of this medication and try another. I should be thankful there are medications available to keep the Cancer at bay. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth...no! I'll do as I'm told and hope for the best.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

Practicing His Presence

I read a blog post the other day that really touched my heart. It was written by another breast cancer survivor, but this woman has terminal stage 4 cancer...hers is much more advanced than mine. She realizes that she celebrates the final moments of her life and as she prepares for Christmas with her family, she's decided, like so many of us with cancer, that this year should be more about presence than presents. In her post, she talks about how the holiday trappings can rob us of our joy if we let it, and I agree with her. Stressing over finding the perfect present is not how I want to spend my Christmas, especially this year. As someone diagnosed with cancer, it's hard not to focus on wondering will this be my last Christmas? Of course, she has much more reason to think that way than I do, since I'm only stage 2B instead of stage 4 but still, it is in the back of our minds. Every moment becomes precious as time ticks quickly by.

Holidays past were filled with Christmas baking and wrapping and shopping. All those things were lots of work and yes, they did bring their own special joy with them but, as a cancer survivor, it's funny how your perspective changes. The materialistic side of Christmas doesn't matter to me any longer, I want something more. I want His presence instead of presents.

In reading my Bible this morning, I was reminded that I shouldn't focus on the past. It's so easy to compare holidays year after year, isn't it? I miss those chaotic, busy Christmases of years gone by, but this year, a quiet Christmas will be nice....a Christmas where I can focus on the main thing...Jesus. 

This year has been filled with unexpected challenges and changes. This year has brought with it both deep sadness and overwhelming joy. To be quite honest, this year is a year I would love to forget, but I cannot. I cannot forget this year because God has used it to test my humility. He has used it to teach me to trust. He has given me this year to grow me into more Christlikeness. But it has been hard. It has been extremely hard. Some days I've done well in meeting the challenges and some days I've failed miserably. But through it all, God has been patient with me. He has loved me through it. He has put people in my path that I would never have met if it weren't for this ugly gift of cancer. 

Our tree will be barren of gifts this year and that's okay, because we have something of much more value underneath our tree. We have the gift of life that God has given to us. We have the gift of love He has provided for us, and we have hearts filled with gratitude at His merciful grace. We won't get tangled up in the trappings of Christmas this year. Instead of ripping off paper and ribbons, we'll unwrap the most perfect gift of all...we'll unwrap Christ. We'll remove our preconceived ideas of what He's doing in our lives and allow Him to work freely...teaching, testing, gleaning, growing. We will practice His presence. 

We can practice His presence by focusing on His attributes, by communing with Him daily, by living in the moment, and trusting Him fully. John Ortberg says:

• God is always present and active in my life, whether or not I see him.
• Coming to recognize and experience God’s presence is learned behavior; I can cultivate it.
• My task is to meet God in this moment.
• I am always tempted to live “outside” of this moment. When I do that, I lose my sense of God’s presence.
• Sometimes God seems far away for reasons I do not understand. Those moments, too, are opportunities to learn.
• Whenever I fail, I can always start again right away.
• No one knows the full extent to which a human being can experience God’s presence.
• My desire for God ebbs and flows, but his desire for me is constant.
• Every thought [and I would add, “feeling”] carries a “spiritual charge” that moves me a little closer to or a little farther from God.
• Every aspect of my life – work, relationships, hobbies, errands – is of immense and genuine interest to God.
• My path to experiencing God’s presence will not look quite like anyone else’s.
• Straining and trying too hard do not help.

Living in the moment has been a recurrent theme of mine this year. God has continually been teaching me that I only have been given the current moment and that is where I should focus. There is literally no way to practice God’s presence if we are being pulled into the past by shame or regret or into the future by worry. The only time in which we meet with God is in the present moment, but very few people actually know how to live there. Hurry and worry are usually what we practice! Oh how freeing it has been to let go of the past, release the future, and live life in the present. It has been the most wonderful of blessings to learn also that practicing His presence in the moment is exactly how He desires us to live.

Brother Lawrence, a monk who served in Paris during the seventeenth century, in his first letter, says: "when we are faithful to keep ourselves in His holy Presence, and set Him always before us, this not only hinders our offending Him, and doing anything that may displease Him, at least wilfully, but it also begets in us a holy freedom, and if I may so speak, a familiarity with GOD, wherewith we ask, and that successfully, the graces we stand in need of. In fine, by often repeating these acts, they become habitual, and the presence of GOD is rendered as it were natural to us."

Jesus understood fully that He was to have the mind of Christ. He always focused on His Father's will. Practicing God's presence allows us to experience fully the type of relationship God intends for us to have with Him. It isn't something that comes easily; it does take practice. If you've never practiced the presence of God, you can start today. One of the best ways to start is to focus on His goodness and mercy. Admit that you long to have Him be Lord of your life. Listen to that still small voice that guides and directs you into His ways of holiness. Take it moment by moment. As you relinquish your will to His, you will find that practicing His presence becomes easier and easier every day.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

   

^"8 Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery]." James 4:8

 ^"18 Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old.¹⁹ Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

Count your blessings, name them one by one

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. Families get together and enjoy a big, delicious meal. There's lots of love and laughter around the table. Everyone eats until they're stuffed and then the men adjourn to the living room for football. The women begin clearing away the dishes talking as they work. Christmas shopping trips are planned. Life is good. All of these sounds are the sounds of blessings. We always have so much to be thankful for, don't we?

This year, my focus is a little different than in years past. This year, I will just enjoy a quiet, peace filled day thanking God for giving me a second chance at life.  It's amazing how things can change in the span of a year's time, isn't it? Never did I dream my life would change so drastically from one year to the next, but then, no one ever expects a health crisis, do they?

In years past, I've always enjoyed scouring my cookbooks to find new and exciting recipes to try on my family. Every once in a while, I'd find one to sneak in amid the old favorites. No one ever complained, they graciously tasted the new dish and gave either a thumbs up or a thumbs down. That's the way we finally decided on our family traditional meal which usually includes Turkey and gravy, cornbread dressing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, hashbrown casserole, sweet potato casserole, and some sort of dessert. I've always loved cooking and usually made everything from scratch. But not this year, I just don't have the stamina. It won't matter what we eat, I'll just be thankful for being here and being able to give thanks for all the blessings God has so graciously provided.

Here are some of the blessings He's given me this year:

• a wonderful breast surgeon who was kind and caring
• protection from infection after surgery
• complete healing of surgical incisions
• strength to endure radiation treatments
• a low Oncotype score allowing me to escape Chemotherapy
• provision for our medical bills
• caring medical staff
• a supportive, loving family
• encouraging friends
• an Oncologist who is willing to listen
• new friends at the Cancer Wellness Center
• free art therapy and writing classes

There are so many, many blessings God has given me...too many to count, in fact! But I have decided to list at least 10 blessings each day in my gratitude journal. By taking time to purposefully look for blessings, I find my heart of gratitude growing.

May God fill your home with the sounds of blessing this year and may you choose to look for each and every one. I am thankful for you and pray you have a wonderful time with friends and family celebrating all God has given you.  Count your blessings! Name them one by one! Count your many blessings, see what God has done!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved