Sometimes the hard is too hard

Today I had the honor and privilege of listening to my oldest daughter, Erin, share her heart with me. Yesterday, she'd had the opportunity to go and visit a very sick friend, Heather. Heather is dying from breast cancer that's metastasized into her brain and liver. I knew before Erin even began talking that this was going to be a difficult conversation to have with her. I know her heart, you see,...it's so tender and loving and kind.

"She was so yellow, Mama," she said. I knew what that meant...Heather was jaundiced. Her liver had completely shut down and her kidneys weren't functioning well. I've witnessed this phenomenon before in another dear friend as she was on her death bed. It's a shocking thing to see, especially when the entire body turns yellow and the whites of the eyes turn a deep, golden yellow too. It looks so unnatural and scary...alien-like. I felt so badly for my daughter. Sometimes the hard is too hard.

Isn't it only natural for mothers to want to shield their children from the hard, hurtful things in life? I wish she wasn't having to go through this, but I knew it was necessary. She'd wanted to go to the hospital to say goodbye to her sweet friend. She needed to be there. I didn't want her to witness the very ugly side of cancer, but she's strong, this daughter of mine. Underneath that tough exterior, though, that carries her through the hardest of challenges, she's got a heart of gold. She's loving and merciful, tender and caring. Her friends love her because she loves them so well and is always so giving of herself. She makes me proud.

And life isn't fair. We both wanted to scream this at the top of our lungs and we're wondering why...why would God allow such a terrible thing to happen to such a young woman...a woman with 4 little ones who love and depend on her...a husband who'll be lost without her, who hasn't even had time to think about grieving over the fact that soon she'll be gone because he's been so busy...busy trying to hold things together, trying to be the glue that makes the things that are important cohesive.

My heart broke for Heather, the young mother, who lay dying in a cold, sterile, hospital bed. This young woman all yellow and swollen and her body wracked with pain. This sweet friend that my daughter loved and wanted to spend more time with but the pain medication kept her doped up and groggy. So she mostly slept while Erin was there visiting. Numbed to the reality that soon she'll be no more...

Tears streamed down my face as Erin told me how she'd felt led to grab a bottle of lotion on the way out the door to see Heather that morning. She knows God speaks to us in a still, small voice. He was preparing her for something bigger and she obeyed. She knows how important the gift of touch is to someone who's in pain. I listened as she told me about massaging Heather's back for her and how, as she gently rubbed for hours, she silently prayed. That's my girl...a heart of gold. And then, when Heather's Mom came back into the room, she commented on how Heather looked so much better, not as yellow, and Erin was glad the massage had helped. She was glad she'd listened to the voice of God and had picked up that lotion. He had a plan and Erin had been His instrument.

Our conversation continued and I listened between the words to hear Erin's heart...a hurting heart. She knows what's coming and knows it's going to be devastating. And this reality of cancer hits too close to home, I knew what she was thinking...my Mom has cancer...this could be her one day...While in the hospital room keeping watch at her friend's bedside, Erin's thoughts are tangled. Her own little ones are home with their Daddy so she could come and be with her friend. She probably wonders if he's fixed them lunch yet and whether the smallest made it down for his nap on time and then she thinks about Heather's little ones who'll soon lose their Mommy and it's overwhelming...sometimes the hard is too hard.

But even in the midst of the hard, God gives His grace. He provides a way for us to be strong and hold on. He reminds us that we can do ALL things through Him because we don't have to rely on our own strength, we have Him to cling to and He provides. He knows the needs. He sees everything and even when it seems like life is so unfair and unjust and cruel, He always shows up...just in the nick of time. He's there with us. He never leaves us alone or forsaken.

Suffering is such a vital part of life. It teaches us things we can never learn without it. It teaches us to have compassion and patience. It teaches us to understand and let go of the things that don't matter. Suffering is a great teaching tool that God uses in our lives but most people don't see it that way.

"The doctors have said two weeks...two weeks is all the time she's got left," Erin said. But we both know they're only guessing, they aren't God. That time frame is just a reminder that Heather's time here is so very short, but then again, none of us are promised tomorrow.

The visit was over and it was time to say goodbye. Erin knew it was going to be a hard thing to say her final goodbye to her friend but she did it in the most beautiful way...she told Heather she loved her and was so thankful they'd become friends and then she prayed over her. Heather may or may not have heard all the words Erin said but I know she felt Erin's heart.

Yes, sometimes the hard is too hard, but God always sees us through it. He gives strength when we need it most and He orchestrates everything according to His plan. And when we look at life that way, we can accept and even welcome the hard that comes because we know He is all sufficient and He is the rock we can cling to when life seems too hard to bear.

Please, won't you say a prayer for Heather as she prepares to go home to heaven? Pray that God will allow her journey to be swift and free from pain. Pray for her husband as he prepares to face the reality that his wife will soon be gone. Pray for God to give him strength to face the difficult days ahead. Pray for grace as he walks through his own hard dealing with the overwhelming grief that will come. Pray for the little ones and for God to hold them close as they come to understand the finality of death. Pray for the community to surround all of them with love and kindness in the days ahead and for God's provision for all of their needs, financial, emotional and spiritual. And one last request, would you say a special prayer for my daughter, Erin, that God would continue to use her to minister His love to others who are hurting but that He'd also protect her heart as she walks through her own hard of learning to lose a friend graciously?

Thank you so much. I know you'll lift up these needs as God places them on your heart. Sometimes the hard is too hard but we must always have hope. May the God of all comfort be everything you need as you travel your own hard and may you never forget His promise to never leave us to face the hard alone.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The healing power of touch

Have you ever received a hug during a time where you felt stressed? Perhaps you received a handshake after an important meeting or just cuddled with your spouse at the end of the day. How did you feel? Were you able to let go of some stress? Did you find yourself starting to unwind and relax a little? Could you feel the negativity and worry in your day start to slip away? If you did, you experienced the healing power of touch. 

Did you know that researchers are investigating whether this feel-good energy, the kind we experience during gentle touch, has an impact on our well-being. They have discovered when we experience friendly, affectionate touch, our bodies release Oxytocin. Oxytocin is sometimes called the love hormone. This hormone can help lower blood pressure, decrease the stress-related hormone Cortisol and increasing pain tolerance. 

One of my favorite ways to show love to my family was through the power of physical touch. In my office, I set up a massage table. Beside it, I placed a portable CD player and some massage oils. Whenever my husband or children were feeling stressed, I'd offer to give them a massage. Quietly I would set up my room by dimming the light or closing the blinds. I'd put some soft instrumental music into the CD player and warm the massage oils. I wanted their experience to be as pleasant as possible. 

When I began to massage my first "client," I could feel the tension and stress in the muscles. I always began with a soft, gentle touch and then used more firm pressure as I went along. I could see the muscles begin to lengthen and stretch as they were gently massaged. Talking in low, soothing tones, I would ask for guidance in problem areas. After about an hour, I had completed the massage and my "client" was either sound asleep or so relaxed he/she could hardly move off the table. I enjoyed giving the gift of my touch to them but I never received a massage in return. 

After my surgery, I was unable to give massages any longer due to the Lymphedema in my arms so I gave my massage table away. The kids were disappointed and I was too. No longer would I be able to give them free stress relieving massages. They'd have to go elsewhere. And as I was healing from surgery, I began to realize how much my body ached...and then, it dawned on me! I had never even had a massage myself!

While I was healing, my family members knew to be very gentle with me. Hugs, when  given, were extremely light - barely even felt. My body longed for physical touch but while my surgical scars were mending, I didn't receive any. 

The first time I felt like having a back rub was about 6 months after surgery. The muscles in my back were screaming out in agony and I begged my husband for a mini massage. He was so afraid he was going to hurt me. Gently, he applied lotion between my shoulder blades. As he began smoothing the lotion into my skin, I began to cry. Immediately, he asked, "am I hurting you?" I shook my head, no, as he continued to work. I explained to him that I was crying because the physical touch felt so soothing and it had been so long since I'd had anyone touch me at all. It was at that point that I realized how very powerful touch can be. 

Studies have been done on infants who were deprived of physical touch. Those infants became lonely, isolated and troublesome children. This lack of physical affection often led to emotional disturbances, hyperactivity, aggressive behavior and conduct disorder problems while infants who received daily touch thrived. There have also been studies performed on the elderly and infirm. The same types of behaviors were noted in the elderly as in the deprived infants. Hospitals and nursing homes where the older patients did not receive regular physical touch withdrew, isolated themselves, or became aggressive. 

The skin is the biggest, most important organ of our bodies. It contains millions of sensory nerve endings and those nerve endings help protect us as they indicate sensations like heat, cold, and touch. It seems that as we experience touch, we focus on the feeling, warmth and relaxation it provides instead of focusing on any worries, anxieties or pain. Any time we can refocus our mind to a relaxing place it has a positive effect on the body. 

AT&T used to have a slogan, "reach out and touch someone." While their catchy slogan seems to indicate physical touch, instead, it was referring to communication via telephone. Their slogan, is an important one with regard to physical touch too! Our bodies desire physical touch. Have you ever been standing face to face with someone, while having a nice conversation, and the person lightly reached out and touched your arm? What did you do? Did you recoil in disgust? Did you do nothing and continue talking? The way you responded speaks volumes about your reaction to touch. 

There are both good and bad touches in our world today. Physical and sexual abuse are forms of bad touches. But the touches our bodies crave are those touches that are filled with love and concern....caring touches. Are you a touch-y feel-y kind of person? Do you find yourself placing your hand on someone's shoulder as you console them? Do you extend your hand in greeting? Explore adding more touch to your day. You can do this by reaching out to friends and family members as you talk or greet each other. If you feel comfortable, add a little touch to the arm or a short hug as you first see them. Hold your grandchildren in your lap or snuggle close while you read together. Hold hands or walk arm in arm with the one you love — it all makes such a difference. 

There is healing power in touch...it's a kind of magical power. God has given us the desire to touch and be touched. To those experiencing physical pain, a light, gentle touch can often convey so much without the addition of words. I know for myself, physical touch is one of my love languages. It's one of the ways I receive and express love to others. 

When extending the gift of touch to someone with cancer, be aware that many times their bodies are hypersensitive. This hypersensitivity can come from cancer treatments like chemotherapy or radiation. Be attentive to what they say as well as to what you observe. It is best to ask before touching. The patient may have fresh scars or burns from radiation. Being sensitive to their physical and emotional needs, you can discern whether physical touch would be welcomed or best left to a family member's attentive hands. Many cancer wellness centers offer healing touch therapy. A licensed massage therapist has been specifically trained in dealing with cancer patients and their physical limitations. Specific treatments for manual lymphatic drainage and other specialized massage techniques are best left to the professionals. 

Remember, physical touch can be a blessing when shared at the proper time. Light, gentle touches are best. Don't be afraid to touch, but if in doubt, as permission first! 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved