Sometimes the hard is too hard

Today I had the honor and privilege of listening to my oldest daughter, Erin, share her heart with me. Yesterday, she'd had the opportunity to go and visit a very sick friend, Heather. Heather is dying from breast cancer that's metastasized into her brain and liver. I knew before Erin even began talking that this was going to be a difficult conversation to have with her. I know her heart, you see,...it's so tender and loving and kind.

"She was so yellow, Mama," she said. I knew what that meant...Heather was jaundiced. Her liver had completely shut down and her kidneys weren't functioning well. I've witnessed this phenomenon before in another dear friend as she was on her death bed. It's a shocking thing to see, especially when the entire body turns yellow and the whites of the eyes turn a deep, golden yellow too. It looks so unnatural and scary...alien-like. I felt so badly for my daughter. Sometimes the hard is too hard.

Isn't it only natural for mothers to want to shield their children from the hard, hurtful things in life? I wish she wasn't having to go through this, but I knew it was necessary. She'd wanted to go to the hospital to say goodbye to her sweet friend. She needed to be there. I didn't want her to witness the very ugly side of cancer, but she's strong, this daughter of mine. Underneath that tough exterior, though, that carries her through the hardest of challenges, she's got a heart of gold. She's loving and merciful, tender and caring. Her friends love her because she loves them so well and is always so giving of herself. She makes me proud.

And life isn't fair. We both wanted to scream this at the top of our lungs and we're wondering why...why would God allow such a terrible thing to happen to such a young woman...a woman with 4 little ones who love and depend on her...a husband who'll be lost without her, who hasn't even had time to think about grieving over the fact that soon she'll be gone because he's been so busy...busy trying to hold things together, trying to be the glue that makes the things that are important cohesive.

My heart broke for Heather, the young mother, who lay dying in a cold, sterile, hospital bed. This young woman all yellow and swollen and her body wracked with pain. This sweet friend that my daughter loved and wanted to spend more time with but the pain medication kept her doped up and groggy. So she mostly slept while Erin was there visiting. Numbed to the reality that soon she'll be no more...

Tears streamed down my face as Erin told me how she'd felt led to grab a bottle of lotion on the way out the door to see Heather that morning. She knows God speaks to us in a still, small voice. He was preparing her for something bigger and she obeyed. She knows how important the gift of touch is to someone who's in pain. I listened as she told me about massaging Heather's back for her and how, as she gently rubbed for hours, she silently prayed. That's my girl...a heart of gold. And then, when Heather's Mom came back into the room, she commented on how Heather looked so much better, not as yellow, and Erin was glad the massage had helped. She was glad she'd listened to the voice of God and had picked up that lotion. He had a plan and Erin had been His instrument.

Our conversation continued and I listened between the words to hear Erin's heart...a hurting heart. She knows what's coming and knows it's going to be devastating. And this reality of cancer hits too close to home, I knew what she was thinking...my Mom has cancer...this could be her one day...While in the hospital room keeping watch at her friend's bedside, Erin's thoughts are tangled. Her own little ones are home with their Daddy so she could come and be with her friend. She probably wonders if he's fixed them lunch yet and whether the smallest made it down for his nap on time and then she thinks about Heather's little ones who'll soon lose their Mommy and it's overwhelming...sometimes the hard is too hard.

But even in the midst of the hard, God gives His grace. He provides a way for us to be strong and hold on. He reminds us that we can do ALL things through Him because we don't have to rely on our own strength, we have Him to cling to and He provides. He knows the needs. He sees everything and even when it seems like life is so unfair and unjust and cruel, He always shows up...just in the nick of time. He's there with us. He never leaves us alone or forsaken.

Suffering is such a vital part of life. It teaches us things we can never learn without it. It teaches us to have compassion and patience. It teaches us to understand and let go of the things that don't matter. Suffering is a great teaching tool that God uses in our lives but most people don't see it that way.

"The doctors have said two weeks...two weeks is all the time she's got left," Erin said. But we both know they're only guessing, they aren't God. That time frame is just a reminder that Heather's time here is so very short, but then again, none of us are promised tomorrow.

The visit was over and it was time to say goodbye. Erin knew it was going to be a hard thing to say her final goodbye to her friend but she did it in the most beautiful way...she told Heather she loved her and was so thankful they'd become friends and then she prayed over her. Heather may or may not have heard all the words Erin said but I know she felt Erin's heart.

Yes, sometimes the hard is too hard, but God always sees us through it. He gives strength when we need it most and He orchestrates everything according to His plan. And when we look at life that way, we can accept and even welcome the hard that comes because we know He is all sufficient and He is the rock we can cling to when life seems too hard to bear.

Please, won't you say a prayer for Heather as she prepares to go home to heaven? Pray that God will allow her journey to be swift and free from pain. Pray for her husband as he prepares to face the reality that his wife will soon be gone. Pray for God to give him strength to face the difficult days ahead. Pray for grace as he walks through his own hard dealing with the overwhelming grief that will come. Pray for the little ones and for God to hold them close as they come to understand the finality of death. Pray for the community to surround all of them with love and kindness in the days ahead and for God's provision for all of their needs, financial, emotional and spiritual. And one last request, would you say a special prayer for my daughter, Erin, that God would continue to use her to minister His love to others who are hurting but that He'd also protect her heart as she walks through her own hard of learning to lose a friend graciously?

Thank you so much. I know you'll lift up these needs as God places them on your heart. Sometimes the hard is too hard but we must always have hope. May the God of all comfort be everything you need as you travel your own hard and may you never forget His promise to never leave us to face the hard alone.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

It's not so bad being a sheep!

Have you ever really thought about Psalm 23, you know, the Lord is my Shepherd? You've probably heard it a millions times but I bet you haven't thought about this part.

First of all, get the picture in your mind. The Bible says the Lord is your Shepherd...that means, you're a sheep. It says He leads you, He restores, you, He guides you...He's in charge and you are not. You follow. He leads. Got it?

Well, as you continue on, you'll read this in verse 6, "surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Did you see it? Goodness and mercy will FOLLOW you. That means, they come behind you. They follow.

You don't see the goodness and mercy until you look back on what God's done in your life. Yes, He's always working ahead of us preparing and protecting and providing but we don't usually realize what He's done until we look back and remember!

When we look back and recount all the wonderful blessings He's given us, how He's provided for our needs, how He's been with us every step of the way, we can surely say "surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

Aren't you glad He's the Shepherd and you're the sheep? That's why it's so important that we learn to follow His leading. That's why we need to remember to look back and remember all He's done and we also need to understand that we are never to lean on our own understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

It's not so bad being a sheep! We have a great Shepherd who goes before us and makes sure the path is straight. He is such a good Shepherd and we should be very grateful sheep.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

His Grace is enough

 Oh readers! I have so much to share today. God has been teaching me so many important truths as I've journeyed through the trial of Breast Cancer. As you've read, I'm sure you've been able to tell if I was having a good day or a bad day...if I was walking in the flesh or in the spirit. I am human. I have not always pleased God in the ways I've responded to this season of suffering, but He has been so gracious to me. In His love and mercy, He's been patiently waiting for me to understand His purposes. He's allowed me to fall into the deepest pits of despair, and He's lifted me out with His mighty, strong arm. Today, I was given a glimpse into a Scripture I've read thousands of times over, but today, I understood it as it related to my own personal journey and I'd like to share just a little of that with you. 

In 2 Corinthians chapter 12, Paul is speaking to the Corinthians trying to help them understand God's grace. Listen to what he says: " But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" 2 Corinthians 12:9Amplified Bible (AMP) 

Isn't that powerful?! God says His grace is ENOUGH! It's not too much or too little, it's perfectly enough...exactly what we need, when we need it and He knows exactly how much that is because He loves us so very much. Did you catch the next part of the verse? It says it "enables you to bear the trouble manfully"... But if you keep reading, you'll see that our strength and power comes from Christ. It isn't our strength that gets us through trials and tribulations, it's His strength! The part I love the most is the part where he says "My strength and power are made PERFECT and show themselves MOST EFFECTIVE in your weakness." Wow! 

God's grace has been ENOUGH to sustain me, to guide me, to protect me, and to teach me during this whole Breast Cancer ordeal. From the very first time I felt the mass in my breast until just a few minutes ago, God has decided exactly how much grace I'd need at the very moment I needed it. He never gave me an overabundance of grace and said, "save some of that grace so you can use it tomorrow or next week," no! He gave me just enough to get me through that exact situation, that exact trial, in His perfect timing too. 

So, what else do I have to say about the fact that God's grace is enough? Well, I can only say that I agree with Paul. Even though he suffered terribly and was treated unkindly over and over again, God was there with Him. He saw the suffering. He saw the trials. He knew exactly what Paul needed and that was grace. Paul knew that God's grace gave him the strength to bear the trials God allowed to come into his life. When he understood that clearly, he was able to not only accept his trials but to GLORY in them! Glory??? Yes, the Amplified version of the Bible says he will "all the more gladly glory in weaknesses and infirmities." Now, it's pretty awesome when you can thank God when you're going through some sort of trying time but to GLORY in them, that's downright amazing! But, if you really understand how God's grace IS SUFFICIENT, then you can be thankful when trials come. You can be okay when you experience physical suffering. I speak from personal experience! I have hurt so much physically that I have cried and pleaded and begged God to take the pain away from me but, He hasn't. He has allowed me to go through it with the power of His grace. When I've finally come to a point where I realized that my struggling against the trial wasn't doing me any good whatsoever, I learned to lean back into His grace and just relax knowing that everything was going to be okay and that He was taking good care of me. 

The last part of that verse, "that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" nearly jumped off the page at me when I read it! I'm a visual person and I'm also a camper. I don't camp in an RV, I camp in a tent and when I camp, there's nothing between me and bad weather or dangerous animals but a thin sheet of nylon material. But even with that thin layer of nylon over me, I feel safe and secure. That's the visual I got when I read the last part of this verse...I visualized God's grace resting over me like a tent...enveloping me, protecting me, covering me. So now can you understand how Paul, or how I, can say we glory in our weaknesses or infirmities? It's because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what God allows into our lives, He's going to provide just ENOUGH grace to get us through it! He's going to be there...HIS GRACE WILL NOT ONLY BE ENOUGH, IT WILL BE SUFFICIENT. He knows exactly how much we need and when we need it. Isn't that so reassuring? 

When your next trial comes, don't be overcome with despair. Rest knowing that God's grace will be sufficient for you. And maybe, just maybe, you'll even look at your trial and glory in it. It won't be easy the first time or two, but let me tell you...when you get to the point where you can look at physical suffering, trials, or tribulations through the eyes of Christ, you'll see that EVERYTHING He allows into your life is for your benefit and will be a teaching tool. His grace will be enough to get you through the death of a loved one, an unexpected illness, a painful surgery...even through Cancer. It will be exactly ENOUGH...no less, no more, and that's because He loves you, my friend, more than you'll ever know!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved