Why am I still so tired?

Early morning energy

I let my book slip gently from my hands to the floor. It was 10:30 p.m. and I was exhausted. As I lay in the bed, my mind wandered back over the days events. It hadn't been an ordinarily busy day and yet, I had been tired most of the day. Oh yes, I had made myself walk 2 miles at the park and I had kept a smile on my face the entire time I was doing it, but it was hard. I just don't understand why I'm still so tired. It's been 10 months since my surgery and 6 months since I completed radiation treatments. Shouldn't I have regained all of my energy by now?

Throughout the day, my children and my husband remind me to take time to rest. They tell me that even when I'm supposedly resting, I'm usually doing something else and I need to just stop and slow down. They know me well. I can't just sit and watch a movie on television. If I'm sitting there, I'm usually writing letters or crocheting or doing something else too. I've always felt the need to make the most of my time. "Remember, Bonnie, idle hands are the Devil's workshop." (I can almost hear my grandmother sharing this old idiom with me as I type this.)

I'm not used to having to slow down but my body is telling me otherwise. I guess I need to realize that I'm the only one who's set the bar high. No one else is expecting me to "be" or "do" anything. Why is it so hard to just relax? I'm tired but don't take time to let my body "catch up." Who am I comparing myself to anyway? Why do I feel the need to constantly stay busy? Is it to keep my mind off of things, perhaps.

For the past few days I've been fighting an upper respiratory infection. I've noticed it has affected me more severely this time than times in the past when I was ill. Maybe my white blood cells are low. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so very tired. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor for a checkup and I'm sure he'll draw blood so we'll see.

I get so frustrated when I want to do things and can't do them. I guess I just need to learn to shift my focus from what I can't do to what I can do. I'm so thankful for the times of day when I have little spurts of energy. Those are the times I try to accomplish my biggest tasks. Friends wonder why I get up at 6:00 a.m. when I'm no longer working. I don't want to tell them it's because I know I only have a small window of time that I'll have energy to do what I need to do.

I'm still struggling with the swelling in my upper arms. I guess this is something I'm just stuck with from now on. Since having those lymph nodes removed, my lymphatic fluid just seems to collect around my armpit and upper arm area. It makes movement limited and I have to remember not to lift anything heavy.

Hopefully, my energy level will continue to improve. If it does, I'll be overjoyed but if not, I guess I'll have to learn how to do the best with what I've got. I need to remember my body is still in fighting mode.

It's amazing what a smile can hide! Even when I feel my lowest, I try to smile. I know it wouldn't do a bit of good to get down in the dumps and depressed. If I can just keep a positive outlook, I know things will be so much easier.

One day I'll be soaring again and be full of energy. I can't wait for that day to come!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Sick and tired

Here I go again, complaining. I'm sorry. If you want to stop reading now, I completely understand. I don't mean to complain, really I don't, but I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The other day, I caught my husband's upper respiratory infection. He didn't mean to give it to me but he did. I was already feeling pretty crappy thanks to the general malaise after radiation therapy and surgery. Now, I have to deal with these extra germs on top of that.

My energy level is kaput! I could barely drag myself out of bed today. I don't ever stay in bed past 7 a.m. but this morning, I stayed in bed til 9 a.m.! That's very unusual for me but I was just so stinkin' tired.

I feel like all of my get up and go, got up and went. Have you ever been anemic? If so, you know what I'm talking about here. It takes every bit of effort I can give to just walk across the floor, but I make myself do it.

It isn't something I want to consider, but I keep hearing a nagging little voice in the back of my head saying, "what if it isn't just the upper respiratory infection that's bogging you down? What if the cancer has come back?!" I don't want to listen to that little voice. I don't want to even think about it but I have been having more and more aches and pains lately.

My upper spine, in between my neck and the middle of my shoulder blades, hurts all the time. A deep hurting, down in my bones....and that worries me. My left shin bone aches incessantly, again, deep down in the bone. I try not to dwell on the pain, but it is pretty annoying. At night, it gets even worse. I guess that's because I'm lying still and nothing is distracting me from feeling the pain.

Dr. "F" always asks me when I go for my checkups if I'm having any weird headaches, stomach pains or bone/joint pain and to date, I haven't had anything to report. I know he asks these questions to determine if there has been a recurrence. On this next visit, however, I'm going to have to tell him about my spine and shin. I wonder if he's going to finally order a PET scan for me. I haven't had one yet and most of my friends who've also been diagnosed with cancer have already had several of them. I don't want to borrow trouble, as my grandmother used to say, but I'm really tired of hurting. I'm really tired of being sick...and I'm really tired of feeling tired. I just want my energy back again.

My hiking boots are lying on the floor of my closet. They've been there for some time now. I don't want to retire them, but I wish I had the energy to just put them on and do some hiking. Usually, at this time of year, I'd be out in the woods on a trail somewhere. My mind says, yes...let's do it, but my body says, no, we can't.

So I guess I'll sit inside and read a book. Someone told me recently to listen to my body because it was telling me I needed to rest. I'm not used to resting. I'm used to being busy and going and doing...
When will this season of my life be over? I'm frustrated.

God, I don't know why I've been chosen to suffer these physical ailments, but I know you have a purpose for them in my life. I don't like them. I don't want them. Could you please take them away or at least spread the suffering around a little? I know my ailments pale in comparison to so many others but I can only complain about what I'm going through because these are the things that affect me personally right now. You say in your Word that we are to cast all of our burdens upon You, so that's what I'm doing right now. I'm taking these aches and pains and casting them onto your sturdy shoulders, and I'm trusting You to do with them what you will. Forgive me for having a pity party. Forgive me for complaining. Forgive me for focusing on myself today instead of keeping my eyes fixed on You. Forgive me for falling short. Forgive me for listening to the lies of the enemy whisper in my ear, "your cancer has returned." I know You are the only one who controls when or IF the cancer ever comes back in my body, and I'm choosing to trust you that it will NEVER come back again. But even if it does, I know you will give me the strength to face that day and You will provide everything I need to get through it. Thank you, Father, for reminding me that when I am weak, you are strong. I'm glad you're so very strong, because today, I feel so very weak. Thank you for loving me anyway, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Why do guys always stare at women's chests?

I'm making a general assumption that my title for this post is very close to accurate although I know there are some men who do not fall into this category at all...but hey, I don't know if it's just me being more self conscious lately or what, but almost every single guy I've come into contact with over the past few months has done this....case in point, today it happened again.

It was time for our quarterly bug treatment. Our regular guy was sick so they sent a substitute. When I answered the door, I was face to face with this big guy...probably 6'5" tall. I was looking him straight in the eyes when he introduced himself but almost immediately, his eyes traveled to my chest. Haha, I thought to myself...you didn't get what you expected did you? Instead of seeing a voluptuous woman, you saw a concaved chest. I had decided not to wear my prostheses today. (I don't usually wear them when I'm at home by myself. They're just too uncomfortable.)

Don't get me wrong, the guy wasn't a pervert or anything from what I could tell anyway...he was just your typical, run of the mill guy. I don't know if all guys are wired to react this way or what but I do know that men are visual creatures.

Wouldn't it be funny if women were that way too? I bet guys would feel really strange if we immediately stared at their crotches when we were introduced to them...no, on second thought, they'd probably be really flattered and it could get ugly really fast.

You may be wondering why I'm writing about something so silly today but I just thought it odd that my chest was more important than my face. I wonder what he was thinking after he glanced down to my chest and found it boobless.

We did have a nice conversation while he was here and I even gave him a music CD that he enjoyed listening to while he was working. (I usually have a peaceful CD playing in my CD player during the day because I enjoy the mood it creates. He commented on it and asked what I was listening to so I felt led to just give it to him) I think that surprised him more than anything.

Well, the incredible boobless woman strikes again! I'm not able to leap over tall buildings in a single bound, but I can shock the socks off of an unsuspecting stranger with kindness! That will teach you, Mr. Exterminator, to keep your eyes locked on your customer's instead of allowing them to float down to her chest. Some women would have slapped your face, but I slapped you with a nice gift. Okay. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. The end.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Rainy days and Mondays

Karen and Richard Carpenter

The Carpenters were one of my favorite groups back in the early 70's. Their mellow songs could transport me in a sea of calm faster than anything else in the world.

Karen had such a sweet, gentleness to her voice and Richard, her brother, sounded just as kind. I loved watching them perform together. I'd never seen a woman drummer before and Karen was amazing! They had such a chemistry and it was evident that they loved and cared for each other deeply. That was one reason I loved them so...I always longed for a relationship like theirs. 

So many of their songs became instant hits...but one of their songs, always bothered me...not because it wasn't popular, but because of the message. Rainy days and Mondays is the name of the song that struck such a deep chord within me and today, although it's not a Monday, that song came to mind. 

It's been raining here for the past two days and it hasn't let up. All next week, the weathermen are predicting even more rain. I'm hoping they're wrong because this dreary, rainy weather has been making me feel really down in the dumps. I'm not one to get depressed easily so I don't quite understand why I'm feeling this way. Old hurts have surfaced and I just want to sit and cry. Why do we find such comfort in throwing our own pity party? I had to ask myself this question today and I got an answer. 

As I thought about why I was feeling so down and alone and like no one cared about me at all, I could almost envision Satan laughing at me. I could just picture him getting pleasure from my misery. And as I began to think about it even more, I realized that Satan’s strategy is devastatingly simple and effective. He wants us to live in regret of the past and fear of the future, effectively robbing us of the joy of today. 

When it's overcast and rainy, it can be very depressing because it can cause us to become introspective. Often, when we're looking inside ourselves, we become overly critical with things we don't like and that causes us to become sad or discouraged. It's hard to accept the things we can't change or the things we have no control over and that's where Satan tends to prick us. He loves to accuse us and tells us lies about ourselves because he knows if we begin to believe those lies, he's gained a stronghold in our lives. Instead of believing the truth of who we are in Christ, we wallow in self pity. 

When I find myself sliding down the slippery slope of depression, like these rainy, dreary days invoke, I make myself realize that listening to those lies is very dangerous and detrimental to my health. If I don't cling to the truth, I can easily slide into a pit of despair. So how do I combat dreary, depressing, rainy days? Let me tell you.

The first thing I do is put on some upbeat music...something that makes me want to dance! Music has the power to change my moods very quickly. After I put on my happy music, I open ever window blind in my house. I want to let in as much light as possible. Even on dreary days, there's some light outside and letting as much of it in as possible really helps. The next thing I do is remember and quote Scripture out loud. Here's a verse that often helps me: 

The LORD is my strength and shield.
I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
Psalm 28:7

After listening to Scripture verses, I call someone who can offer me some encouragement. I don't necessarily tell them I'm feeling down in the dumps, but often, they can hear it in my voice and just know I need some loving kindness.

By  the time I've done all of these things, I'm starting to feel much better. The clouds of gloominess have faded away and that spirit of depression is gone. Rainy days don't have to get your down, but when they do, look for something to make you smile. Count your blessings! Every day is a treasure. A heart of gratitude is one of the best ways to dispel depression. And if you don't know any of the Carpenter's songs and would like to listen to an upbeat, happy one, may I suggest you listen to "On Top of the World"? It's a good one! You can hear it by clicking here. 

Listen to Rainy Days and Mondays here.

Listen to the Carpenters Greatest Hits here. 

Lyrics to Rainy Days and Mondays:

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old 

Sometimes I'd like to quit, nothin' ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong, feelin' like I don't belong
Walkin' around, some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
Funny, but it seems I always wind up here with you
Nice to know somebody loves me
Funny, but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me
(The one who loves me)
What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
(Talk it out)
We know what it's all about
Hangin' around
(Hangin' around)
Nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Life is just normal

It's Wednesday, just another ordinary day of the week...hump day. The weekend is almost here and today has been a good day! I woke up! I heard the birds singing and saw the sun shining through my window. When my feet hit the floor, I realized, "hey! I am alive!"

I got a shower and got dressed, ate breakfast and checked my emails. I put a load of laundry in to wash and unloaded my dishwasher...routine, every day, normal things that I do every day and I was happy to do it!

My daughter came over to visit. We went shopping and then went out to eat. We laughed and talked. Nothing exciting, just normal. NORMAL. I never knew how much I liked to hear that word, but it has suddenly become one of my favorite words.

The dictionary defines NORMAL as "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected." And that's exactly how I want my days to be from now on, just normal. I don't want anything fancy or elaborate, normal is enough for me. 

So many days since my surgery have been abnormal...days of tests and appointments...days of treatment and medicines...days of discomfort and tears. I'd almost forgotten the normal days, the mundane days, the days of routine and comfort. I never thought I'd say I was just happy to have a normal day but I am!

Medical appointments are getting more and more spread out now. My calendar actually has some holes in it these days and I'm thankful. I don't have to go see the oncologists every month as I did after I was first diagnosed, instead, I go every three months and that's helping me get my life back to normal. I'm starting to plan more and look forward to things again...normal things like holidays, birthdays, vacations. 

I'm starting to pick up my hobbies again...painting, sewing, writing, drawing, and jewelry making. I'd put all of those aside for months but now, my life is getting back to NORMAL and I am doing things I enjoyed doing B.C. (before cancer.)

It's nice to finally start to focus on things other than cancer for a change. Who knew it could be wonderful to just look forward to a nice, ordinary, normal day? I certainly won't take them for granted any longer. I'll welcome them with outstretched arms and enfold them into a tight embrace. Oh, life is good...so very good...and I am so thankful to be alive!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Learning to accept plan B

Yesterday was a tough day...I'll admit it without any reservation. The more I fought against my physical limitations, the more they proved to me that they would win, and they did. I didn't like it one bit. I pouted and sulked. I was mad. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it! I was acting like a spoiled rotten little brat and while I did cross my arms...I didn't stamp my feet.

It's rough to have to learn to accept plan B, but today, I've decided that if I can't have plan A...the plan that I worked up in my own mind of all the things I wanted to accomplish in one day, then I'd have to learn to settle for plan B.

Today was a plan B day although I didn't know it when I woke up. I had thought it was going to be a plan A day. Even before my feet hit the floor, I'd made a mental checklist of all the things I was going to accomplish today. I had so many things on my list that I had to make myself eat breakfast first so I'd have energy just to begin working on my list and after I'd eaten, I got busy.

For about an hour, I began working on the first item on my Plan A checklist. When I accomplished that task, I smiled and got ready to begin the next task. I was on a roll! I was so proud of myself. Today wasn't going to be a day like yesterday, it was going to be so much better! But just as that thought slipped out of my brain, I got a text that changed everything.

It wasn't fair. I had been working so hard and doing so well. Now I had to drop everything and do something for someone else. Plan A was being tossed out the window and as it was sliding out, just underneath the window sill, I tried to grab it by the tail and hang on...

For the next 2 hours, I worked on the project I didn't have on my checklist...the one that came to me in a text. It was urgent and had to be done today. It was for a family member who was at work and couldn't take care of the project on company time. Love won out. I agreed to do the project out of love and that was why plan A could get away from me.

When I'd finished the project, I noticed it was almost 1:30. I hadn't eaten lunch. I was hungry. As I at the table eating my sandwich, I tried to formulate plan B. I could feel my arms already swelling and getting tight...just like they did yesterday. I knew I wasn't going to be able to accomplish plan B either...well, not today anyway. Maybe I could work on plan B tomorrow.

And so, I was reminded of a verse of Scripture. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Proverbs 19:21. I can plan and plan and plan but my plans won't always come to fruition. Sometimes I can accomplish the things I set out to accomplish and other times, I can't. For a type A personality, an overachiever, people pleaser, gotta get it done now kinda person, that's a hard lesson to learn. But maybe God's teaching me that it's okay to let plan A go and that sometimes, plan B is a much better plan than plan A was to start with!

Several of my friends have sympathized with me saying, "you just have to get used to your new normal." What is a new normal? For me, I've yet to find out but I think it's going to include learning to understand my physical limitations and accept them. It will more than likely include learning to rest when I'm tired and learning to say no when I need to...that's a hard one for me! I don't ever like to tell someone no but...the people pleaser in me has now died. I know it's okay to set boundaries. They're healthy and necessary. They protect me from overextending myself.

So, Plan A...you were so grand and so wonderful. It was an honor to work with you while it lasted but now, it's your turn, plan B....whaddya got??? Will your list be much shorter? Will it be more simple? Will it involve less detail? Hmmm...I just might like you, Plan B, if I can just get used to you. "I'm sorry plan A," I say as plan A slinks out of the room with a huff.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Lymphedema sucks big time! (forgive one more rant, please!)

I wish this was going to be a sunshine and roses post, but it's not, so be prepared. I'm not usually a grouch monster but today, I can't help it....I have a good excuse.

This will be a very short post because my arms are extremely swollen. I was trying to do some sewing today for my grandchildren and was making a good bit of headway until my arms started swelling. I took a little time away from my sewing machine to do the manual lymphatic massage and got the swelling down enough to put on my compression top. After putting it on, I went back into my office/sewing/craft room to resume my projects.

The compression top was extremely uncomfortable and I haven't worn it in a long time so it was rubbing underneath my armpits. It was really tight and I wanted to take it off, but knew if I wanted to keep on sewing, I'd have to keep it on. I managed to wear the compression top and do a couple of hours of sewing before giving in to defeat. I had done all I could do and I knew I had to take off the top.

About the time I was realizing my limitations, my husband came in from work. He's always so sweet to me and started chit chatting about his day. I burst into tears and told him I had to get this top off right now. I reached up underneath my t shirt and unzipped the compression top. I unfastened the hook and eyes and undid the Velcro, pulling the compression top off in one quick motion. What a relief to have that torture device off!

My arms are so swollen now that I can't do another thing. Hubby tells me to go put them up on pillows and rest. I'm so frustrated. I can't get used to being unable to do the things I used to do...lymphedema sucks big time and it will never, ever, ever go away. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. Isn't it enough to have your breasts removed? Did I have to end up with non-stop swelling too?

© bonnie annis all rights reserved