Homegoing celebration

Yesterday, I had the honor and privilege of watching a memorial service for my sweet friend, Kara Tippetts, via live streaming over the internet. The service was held in her home town of Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her blog had announced earlier this week that a live streaming service would be held due to the public response to her death. When I first read about it on her blog, I knew I'd have to watch even though I knew it would be very difficult. I entered a reminder on my smartphone to make sure I didn't miss the streaming feed. It was shown at 1:15 p.m. MST and lasted just short of an hour.

At 4 p.m. EST, my cellphone alerted me to turn on my computer as the service was about to begin. I wasn't shocked, as I focused on the live stream, to see the massive amount of people who sat quietly in the sanctuary of Kara's church. Kara's life had touched so many. The service began very quietly and it was evident that the room was filled with deep emotion. One pastor got up to speak and brought a great message about Jesus raising Lazarus and how death was conquered at the cross. A small band played and then speaker came forward. Everything was done so tastefully and reverently.

As the speakers came to the podium, I could see Kara's husband, Jason, and their four children on the front row. They were visibly upset and were constantly wiping their eyes with tissue. I've been praying for them since Kara's passing. How very difficult it must have been for them to say goodbye to their beloved. Even though I'd never met Kara personally, I considered her a dear friend as we had bonded through Facebook and email messages throughout the year. I found myself tearing up as the service came to a close. It was hard to realize that she was gone.

For Christians, funeral services should be times of grand celebration...that's what I'm hoping mine will be when the time comes. I want people to remember how much I loved life and how wonderfully rich my life was while I was here on Earth. Tears and sadness are natural as we let go of the ones we love but we should also rejoice that the time has finally come for them to stand face to face with the One who loves them most.

I've been to many funerals in my lifetime. Most of those had been for Christian friends or family members. While it was sad to see their Earthly life end,  I knew their heavenly life was just beginning. What a great comfort it was to know where our loved one was headed...to heaven to be with the Lord. I've also been to funerals of non-Christians. Oh how sad those services were! The ones left behind had no certainty of where their loved one was going. In those instances, death seemed futile.

There's one difference I've noticed between the funeral service of a Christian and a non-Christian, and that difference is hope. The Bible says, "We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8 Christians know that when they leave this Earth, they go immediately home to be with Jesus in Heaven. Non believers are forever separated from Christ and no longer have the opportunity to accept Him as their Lord and Savior.

At the end of most funeral services held in the Southern states, an invitation is given just as the service winds to a close. The preacher wants to make sure no one leaves without at least having heard the plan of salvation. I've witnessed most of those invitations without any response from the funeral guests but on one occasion, I had the honor of seeing one of my relatives come forward and accept Christ as Savior. What a sweet moment that was!

Life and Death are polar opposites. One brings pleasure and the other brings pain. The reality of life is that it can end at any moment. Death is eminent. We will all die at some time or other. This realization helps us understand that we need to use our remaining time well.

Kara, shortly before her death said, "I feel like I’m a kid at a party, whose Father said it’s time to leave and go Home already….. And I am not afraid of dying — I just don’t want to go.” And who could blame her? Have you ever pondered how you might feel as you approach your last days here on Earth? I have done this recently. It's strange how cancer causes you to re-evaluate your life and how it shoves death right in your face. Watching Kara during her last weeks here, I realized the importance of dying well. Ann Voskamp, a wonderful Christian author and dear friend of Kara's said, "We love life more, the more we realize all this lovely life is transient." How very true her statement is to me. I've learned to love life more since being diagnosed, and Kara's life has been a wonderful example of not only living well, but dying well.

If you've never read Kara's book or her blog, you probably don't really know her. You may have heard her name as she was recently in the news when Brittany Maynard, a young woman diagnosed with a large brain tumor announced the specific day she had planned to take her own life through assisted suicide. Kara, though dying of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, wanted to reach out to Brittany and make sure she knew that God had a plan for her life...that she didn't have to do this...that God had allotted her a specific number of days to live and no one could know that number except God Himself.  Here's a short snippet of the letter for you: "Suffering is not the absence of goodness, it is not the absence of beauty, but perhaps it can be the place where true beauty can be known."
In your choosing your own death, you are robbing those that love you with the such tenderness, the opportunity of meeting you in your last moments and extending you love in your last breaths. As I sat on the bed of my young daughter praying for you, I wondered over the impossibility of understanding that one day the story of my young daughter will be made beautiful in her living because she witnessed my dying. That last kiss, that last warm touch, that last breath, matters — but it was never intended for us to decide when that last breath is breathed. Knowing Jesus, knowing that He understands my hard goodbye, He walks with me in my dying. My heart longs for you to know Him in your dying. Because in His dying, He protected my living. My living beyond this place. Brittany, when we trust Jesus to be the carrier, protecter, redeemer of our hearts, death is no longer dying. My heart longs for you to know this truth, this love, this forever living." (You can read Kara's complete letter to Brittany here.)

Kara was a wonderful, loving, caring, concerned mother and friend. Her faith was what carried her through her diagnosis and into her last days. She walked with God daily and made sure others knew He loved them. She lived well. She also died well. She died with dignity and grace. My hope is that I can follow in her footsteps when my time comes.

At 57, it seems the older I get the faster the days go by. Just yesterday it was Christmas and now, it's almost Easter. I feel an urgency to do the things I need to do before I pass away. When I was much younger, I never gave death a thought even though the Bible tell us that daily we are dying. As you think back over your life, can you say you've lived well? I hope you can. As you approach the later part of your life, do you ever think about whether or not you'll die well? I think about this often.

How can we learn to live well? To live well, according to Kara, is to live by faith...to walk daily with God and in His power...to love others and show them mercy. And how then can we learn to die well? Dying well involves trusting God completely....that even if He chooses to allow your life to experience suffering, that you will accept it as His good and perfect will for you...that you will be able to walk humbly with Him through every peak and valley and that you will continue to let your life be a reflection of His love.

Thank you, Kara, for such wonderful, valuable life lessons. Thank you for allowing me to call you friend. Thank you for taking time to answer emails and Facebook messages with silly questions and fearful thoughts when I first found out I had cancer. God used you to minister to my heart and I came to love you as a sister in Christ. Though you are now gone, you will never be forgotten. Your life touched so many and will continue to do so for generations. Rest in His presence, sweet Kara, and one day, we'll meet each other and I can express my gratitude to you personally.

Please pray for Kara's family...her husband, Jason, and her four children - Eleanor Grace, Harper Joy, Lake Edward, and Story Jane as they continue to grieve over their loss.

Kara's family

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16

"Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord—for we walk by faith, not by sight—we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:6–8



© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Broken but beautiful

I look at myself in the mirror. Even after 8 months, it is so hard. I am broken. I am scarred. I am mutilated. I could dwell on my appearance and become very sad and depressed, but it wouldn't change a thing. Yes, I am broken but I am still alive.

As I look at myself, I can only linger for a few moments. The woman staring back at me is someone I don't know. The scars are not pretty, in fact, they are disgusting. They've faded some over the months from glaring bright red to a softer, duller pink. I know with time, they'll fade even more but they'll always be there...a constant reminder of my battle...the fight for my life.

The mirror doesn't lie when it comes to physical appearances but Demi Lavato, in her pop song, "Believe in Me," says "The mirror can lie. Doesn't show you what's inside. And it, it can tell you you're full of life.It's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile.” Her lyrics are so true. Although I am broken on the outside, I do my best to hide that fact with a smile. Everyone thinks I'm okay when I'm smiling and sometimes, I even convince myself. Some days are worse than others. I still have those emotional ups and downs. I guess that comes with the territory of being a breast cancer survivor. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. So many of us walk among you...broken but still beautiful. You've probably walked right past us and didn't even have a clue...but we grow in number daily.

There are several photographers who've taken it upon themselves to capture our broken beauty. They want the world to know our secret...that we are still struggling, still fighting, still strong. When I first saw the Scar project online, I was amazed. It was so tastefully done. David Jay came up with the concept for this project. He is a professional photographer who has been shooting fashion and beauty for over 15 years. His images have appeared in a multitude of international magazines and advertising campaigns. Jay's stark, bold portraits challenge traditional perceptions of breast cancer and capture the raw beauty, strength and character of so many extraordinary young women. Each portrait represents a singular, stripped-down vision of the life-changing journey that unites survivors of this horrific disease.

After I finished watching the video, I wondered if I could possibly be brave enough to bare my scars for public scrutiny...I don't think I could. It's still too raw, but maybe some day. I applaud these women who choose to reveal themselves so unashamedly. They are the brave ones. They have real courage.

Another such project, the Grace Project, takes a different turn. It's still very tastefully done but Isis Charise,  the photographer, portrays the art of the Hellenistic period. She poses her subjects to reflect statues that have survived throughout history. These statues have missing body parts such as the famous statue of Venus de Milo. Isis thought it would be fitting to portray women who've undergone mastectomy in this fashion. The artwork is beautiful but I don't think I could ever be one of her subjects. I'm too private, although it would be an honor to be photographed so beautifully.

It amazes me that such talented photographers want to shoot such graphic images. Their abilities to soften and beautify the subjects with such love, respect, and grace is a true gift. Some people find such artistic displays difficult to accept because they don't follow the normal channel of what we conceive as art. Oliver Platt said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," but I'm more inclined to agree with Martha Beck who says, "Although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the feeling of being beautiful exists solely in the mind of the beheld." I can be told all day long that I am beautiful, but unless I feel beautiful, it doesn't seem to matter.

No one can truly understand the emotional and physical devastation that breast cancer creates in a woman's life unless  they experience it first hand. These artistic images can help those who have not come close to it yet feel the raw reality. I hope you'll take time to view the two short video clips I've listed below. Let me warn you in advance, they are very graphic. Though hard to see, I hope they will touch your heart and help you see that while we, as breast cancer survivors, are broken, we are still beautiful.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved.


The Grace Project

The Scar Project

Demi Lovato Believe in Me

Doctors may surprise you

Night before last, I tossed and turned all night long. I just couldn't get to sleep. No matter what I did, sleep would not come. I know my insomnia was partly due to stressing out about visiting my oncologist. I tried not to worry. I tried not to even think about the visit at all but I couldn't help it. I don't like confrontation. I've done my best to avoid it at all costs. How would the doctor respond when I told him point blank that I was not going to do what he wanted me to do? And who was I, to think I had this right?

The clock kept ticking down the hours until it was almost time to go. I looked at my husband through tear filled eyes. He knew. Without me saying one single word, he knew. He knew I was afraid. 

As we got into the car, he took my hand and held it all the way to the doctor's office. I was so thankful he'd taken the day off work to go with me. He's such a sweetheart! We pulled into a parking spot and I looked up at him. "I don't want to do this," I said. He said he understood and that maybe, just maybe the doctor would listen and not give me a hard time. That's what I was hoping for...

The nurse called my name and took me back to the scale. Oh how I hate the scale! It's so intimidating. It would be so nice if his office, like my breast surgeon's office, didn't even have a scale. (My breast surgeon says there's no point in it. I agree with her, but I guess oncologists have to keep up with how much weight their patient's are losing...if only I could lose.) 

After the weigh in, the nurse ushered us into an exam room. She brought in the little rolling vital sign machine thingy (I'm not sure what the real medical term is but it has the blood pressure cuff, digital thermometer and pulse oximeter all in one.) Here we go again. She recorded my vital signs on the computer and said the doctor would be in shortly.

About ten minutes passed before I heard a slight knock at the door.  Dr. Feinstein entered the room and greeted my husband and I. He sat down on his little rolling doctor's stool and rolled over close. "So how are you feeling?," he said. I told him I was feeling really good and I knew it was coming...then he said, "so tell me about your decision not to take the medicines? I got the voicemail you'd left on the nurse's line." Oh snap! Now what did I say??? Where did I begin? 

I don't stutter but boy I wish'd at that moment I had because it would have bought me some more time. Slowly and quietly, I began to explain that I'd decided to take a more natural approach to healing. "Tell me what you mean," said the doc, "what kind of things are you doing?" I told him that I'd done a lot of research on natural things that helped with cancer recovery. I explained that I'd decided to eliminate sugar from my diet as well as processed foods. I told him I was trying to do more raw fruits and vegetables. He nodded his head still listening attentively. I told him I'm incorporating organic green tea into my diet, 2 or 3 times a day, and that I'd found information on Ashwaganha root that sounded interesting. He continued to listen and I waited for the comeback.

I talked a little longer on essential oils and Chlorophyll, and then I was quiet. 

The doctor looked me straight in the eyes and I thought oh, no...he's going to berate me now. I braced. The silence was deafening. I couldn't stand it any longer and I said, "Dr. Feinstein, I've done a lot of praying about it. I just don't feel the medications are right for me. I know you're a man of faith (he's Jewish) and I know you understand where I'm coming from." And then he spoke.

I was amazed when he said he had no problem with the green tea. (I guess medical research has proven the benefits in using it with cancer patients.) He said, "I understand your desire not to take the medication. You've already tried 2 and they didn't work for you. If you'd only tried one, I would have encouraged you to try another, but in your case, you've given it your best shot." (Wow, I was impressed. This wasn't what I expected.) He told me that there were many "remedies" out there claiming to cure cancer and that I'd have to be very careful. I explained to him that I do a lot of research before trying anything new that affects my health. He told me just to be wise. He said he didn't want me to spend a lot of money trying one thing after another. I told him I wouldn't. 

Walking over to the exam table he patted the paper protective layer indicating he wanted me to hop up there so he could check me out. He listened to my lungs and heart. He looked in my throat. He asked if I'd been having any headaches that wouldn't go away, any bone/joint pain, any stomach pain and I responded no to all of them. I knew he was asking these questions to determine whether the cancer might be spreading in my body, but I didn't let on that I knew why he was asking these questions. 

When he was done with the exam, he said, "you know, the cancer may never come back but if it does, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, you keep doing your natural plan and I'll check your blood work ever 3 months. If anything starts to go off track, we'll address that then." I knew that was the best I was going to get from a medical professional. 

Dr. Feinstein started toward the door and I asked if he was going to do blood work today. He said it would be a good idea and went to get the nurse to tell her. When he came back into the room, I asked if he'd let me take a picture with him. I told him I was trying to document my journey for my children and grandchildren. He was nice enough to agree to the photo. 

Before he left, I told him I had been afraid to come see him for this appointment. He looked at me strangely and said, "Why? I never want you to be afraid of me." I told him I didn't think he'd agree to be my doctor if I didn't agree to his prescribed medical treatment and he said, "if all of my patients did exactly what I said, it would be pretty boring and I'd be treating a bunch of robots. It's your body and you know it best. You have a right to refuse any treatment you feel isn't for you." At that point, I wanted to jump up and give him a high five or a great big bear hug but I didn't. I just smiled a big smile and breathed in a sigh of relief. I had stressed out about this visit for nothing! I was so glad my doctor agreed to support me. It was so encouraging. 

One last thing before he left the room. He wanted me to see a nutritionist. If I was going to do a natural healing approach, he said it was important to see a nutritionist. He explained that my cancer was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone and to keep the cancer from recurring, we needed to stop the Estrogen in my body as much as possible. Estrogen is made by your ovaries, your adrenal gland, and by fat cells. Since I was already post menopausal, we didn't have to worry about the ovaries but, I could stand to lose a little weight. In fact, Doctor Feinstein said the more weight I could lose, the better. With cancer it was better to be skinny! So, next week I have an appointment with a nutritionist. 

Maybe it would have been easier and more convenient to just pop a few pills to ward off the cancer. It's going to take a lot of effort to go the natural healing route, but I know that's the path God has pointed me toward. I really want to live as long as I possibly can and anything I can do to facilitate that objective...well, I'm all in! 

My thoughts: 

I'm going to keep close tabs on my lab reports from each visit forward. I've determined not only to be my own best health advocate but also to partner with my oncologist to obtain the best results. It's going to take time to get used to drinking all that organic Matcha Tea. It tastes pretty nasty. Taking the Ashwaganha root capsules, the DDR essential oil capsules, the Zendocrine capsules, the Chlorophyll capsules and all my vitamins, cutting out the sugar and processed foods, trying to lose weight and walking more than ever before will be challenging but hopefully, it will allow my body to regenerate good cells that can keep the cancerous ones at bay. If I can create a healthy cellular environment in my body, my chances of recurrence will greatly diminish. I'm pumped about seeing the changes to come in the days ahead. I'm so happy Dr. Feinstein didn't jump my case about going natural. I need to eliminate stress from my life and the tendency to worry. Hopefully the nutritionist can help me see where I need to revamp my diet. I don't think I eat enough protein. 

Is God still good?

Jason and his wife, Kara

Yesterday afternoon I lost another friend. Her battle with breast cancer had been going on for the past two years. We never met in person but connected through Facebook and emails. As our friendship flourished, I felt I'd gained another sister.

Kara Tippetts was an amazing woman of God. She was born in 1976, the same year I gave birth to my oldest child. She grew up in Indiana, and earned her BS in English Education at Indiana University. She met her husband Jason at a Christian camp located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They were married on May 16, 1998.

Kara met Jesus while in high school. Her youth leader read her a tract about Christianity and a friend invited her to youth group. Hearing a message about forgiveness prompted her to seek a relationship with Jesus, where she found total acceptance, kindness, and grace. While she didn’t experience instant change in her life, dramatic changes were slowly occurring in her heart. Kindness became Kara’s passion; it defined her relationship with Jason, and her four children: Eleanor, Harper, Lake, and Story Jane.

Answering a call to plant Westside Church in 2012, the Tippetts moved to Colorado where they soon after had to evacuate their home due to the Waldo Canyon Fire. It was this same summer that Kara received her breast cancer diagnosis. Despite beginning aggressive treatment for the cancer, Kara put her whole heart into growing and developing the new community that would become Westside, reaching out to others and teaching by example how to love and care for people well and sacrificially.

As the cancer spread, Kara courageously embraced her situation, trusting in a Sovereign God. She believed that cancer was not the point, but Jesus was; how she responded and trusted Christ in the midst of this hard was where she would find grace.

In the fall of 2014, David C. Cook published her story, "The Hardest Peace." The response to Kara’s book has been overwhelming. Kara fought harder than ever to live well and love others well and with intentionality. She refused to be defined by cancer and considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level. 

Kara fought valiantly for almost 2 1/2 years. During her struggle with cancer, she asked herself a question, "in the midst of life's hard, is God still good?" That question made me begin to think about my own life and how I would answer. 

In the middle of trials, we pray for the courage to get through. We pray that our faith will not fail. We pray asking God to help our unbelief, we pray for a miracle...yet often, God seems quiet. Tears stream down our faces and we wonder if He hears us at all. 

Nancy Guthrie, in her book "Holding on to Hope," says "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness - this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

God's grace meets us every day. Some days we see it and other days we barely notice it. Walking through the valley of breast cancer, the moments we cling to grace seem to multiply. When we realize we are absolutely powerless to control, change, or fix our current condition we find ourselves clinging to the cross. 

Kara lived her life well. She loved others well. She walked with Jesus daily even in the midst of life's hard. Yesterday, she finished well. As she entered the glorious gates of heaven, I imagine she walked straight into her Savior's arms and as He lovingly embraced her, heard the words, "well done though good and faithful servant."

Yes, God is good all the time. He is good in the hard things and in the easy things. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No, we may never understand the reasons He allows us to suffer but if we can just learn to trust Him in the good times and the bad times, we'll be able to embrace the grace He bestows upon us. His perfect peace meets us when we need it most. 

Can I dare say that God is good in the midst of my battle with cancer as Kara did? Yes! I have learned to accept both the good things and the not so good things from His hand. I have learned that nothing slips through His fingers into my life without His permission. Coming to grips with this fact has given me the most profound sense of peace I've ever experienced in my life and allows me to emphatically state that yes, God is still good. 

It was a very emotional day for me yesterday. This was the second friend I'd lost to breast cancer over the last 6 months. They both were so young. They both had small children. It seemed so unfair. But I had to remind myself that God is a just God. I don't understand His ways nor am I supposed to because He is God and I am not. I am thankful I had the opportunity to interact with them and get to know them well. They both impacted my life deeply. 

Perhaps my tears were not only for my friend, but also for myself. Perhaps they were for the countless women who will travel this road in the future. Perhaps they were the result of dread and fear that I will meet the same fate, I'm only human, you know? 

I love this quotation from the book, "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard - "Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the place which you dread, you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 

I have no idea what the future holds for me. As hard as it may be, I will fight to walk in faith. I don't want to live in fear and dread....I don't want to listen to those "what ifs" that Satan continually whispers to my mind. May I hold tightly to God's hand and walk in confidence and hope as I trust Him to lead me daily step by step. Yes, life is often hard, but God is still good, all the time. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Researching alternative methods

If you've been keeping up with my blog, you know that many weeks ago I decided not to take the conventional prescription medications prescribed by my Oncologist. I did not make this decision lightly. I spent much time in prayer seeking God's wisdom and direction. I did not want to make a mistake regarding my healthcare.

Unsuccessfully, I tried two different prescription medications at the advice of my doctor. Both of those medications affected me adversely. The changes were drastic and ones I was not willing to continue experiencing. I called my doctor's office and shared my decision. His nurse documented my medical records and I'm sure has shared my decision with Dr. "F" by now. I haven't heard anything from his office so I'm taking that as a sign that he respects my decision. I'll see him on Tuesday and I'm sure he'll want more details but in the meantime, I've been doing my homework.

I am determined to live until God calls me home, please understand that. Many of my friends and family don't think so because they can't understand my refusing to follow doctor's orders. I can sympathize with them. In fact, I've always been one to immediately do exactly as my doctor instructed but this time, it's different. After my brush with breast cancer, I feel I've been given a second chance at life and I'm going to be responsible for medical decisions based on what I think is best for me. My compass is my faith in God. I am trusting Him with each decision I make.

I've watched many people in my family die from various types of cancer. I know the evil ugliness it possesses. I know it is serious business. I've seen it decimate the lives of ones I love and I know I face a fierce battle. Taking the natural route to healing should be the preferred course of treatment, shouldn't it? But instead, doctors prescribe chemicals that poison and radiation that kills healthy cells along with the unhealthy ones. I don't want to settle for that. I know there's a better choice.

There are many unconventional treatments for cancer. Just do a GOOGLE search and you'll find thousands of them. But there are natural methods that make sense and those are the ones I'm going to implement into my healing process.

I've already eliminated sugar and processed foods from my diet. I'm focusing more on raw fruits and vegetables...kingdom foods. There are so many preservatives in processed foods that we don't even know what we're eating unless we take a magnifying glass and read the labels. Sugar is proven to feed cancer cells so it only makes sense to eliminate it from my diet. Why would I want to consume something that is going to cause cancer to flourish in my body?

My research has led me to two additional discoveries. The first one is the benefit of Matcha Green Tea. Green tea is a drink made from the steamed and dried leaves of the Camellia sinesis plant, a shrub native to Asia. Some researchers believe green tea may protect against certain types of cancer because it contains antioxidants. Compounds taken from green tea can be useful in humans.

Green tea contains chemicals known as polyphenols, which have antioxidant properties. The major group of polyphenols in green tea are called catechins, and the most important catechin seems to be epigallocatechin gallate (sometimes called epigallocatechin-3-gallate or EGCG). EGCG may help cause certain types of cancer cells to die in much the same way that normal cells do. This effect is important because cancer cells are different from normal cells in that they do not die when they should—they continue to grow and spread.

The Chinese have been drinking green tea for at least 3,000 years, and it has been popular in some other Asian countries for at least 1,000 years. In recent years, scientists have begun to study its health effects more closely in laboratory and animal studies and in observational human studies.

Many laboratory studies have shown green tea acts against cancer cells in cell cultures. Test tube studies have suggested that compounds in the tea may help stop new blood vessels from forming, thereby cutting off the supply of blood to cancer cells.

The second discovery I made while searching for natural alternatives to prescription medications for cancer is the Ayurvedic herb, Ashwagandha. Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center says "ashwagandha is often used in formulations prescribed for stress, strain, fatigue, pain, skin diseases, diabetes, gastrointestinal disease, rheumatoid arthritis, and epilepsy. It is also used as a general tonic, to increase energy and improve health and longevity and topically as an analgesic. Ashwagandha is rich in iron. Ashwagandha also reduced growth of breast, central nervous system, colon, and lung cancer cells without affecting normal cells. It was shown to prevent chemotherapy-induced neutropenia in mice. In a small study of breast cancer patients, ashwagandha alleviated chemo-induced fatigue and improved the quality of life."

These are natural remedies that I've decided to incorporate into my daily routine. I will be diligent to record any unusual side effects and discuss those with my medical team but I'm also going to be keeping detailed notes on the benefits I receive as I continue with this course of action. In essence, I'm making myself into a human guinea pig. It is my hope that something I discover will help someone else.

As I step forward in faith regarding these choices, I am trusting God to guide and direct me. If at any point, I feel His leading to discontinue any of these remedies, I will stop immediately. I have not happened upon these discoveries coincidentally. It is my belief that in answer to very specific prayer, God has led me to the exact supplements He's prepared for me to use.

I am not opposed to conventional medical procedures or medications but I do know my body. I know what I can and cannot handle. I know what I will and will not accept regarding anything that adversely affects my quality of life.

I'm sure there will be some who think I've gone off the deep end. But please don't judge until you've walked a mile in my shoes. For me, this is the right choice.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Remembering brings blessing

Alberta and I
(She's a dear sweet friend and encourager)

8 months ago, I'd just had both breasts removed along with 6 lymph nodes. I was home recovering and in a great deal of pain. I felt like I'd been hit by a MACK truck and left on the side of the road for dead. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But that was then and this is now.

In those long months that have passed since my surgery, the feelings of hopelessness and pain have all but disappeared. I've allowed the memory of all that God's done to become clouded just a bit and today, I was reminded that I need to focus on remembering.

It hasn't been that long ago, so the wonderful things He's done in my life should still be very fresh and new... but isn't it funny how Satan loves to steal our joy by hazing over those important times in our lives where God has done amazing things?

There's a verse in the Bible in the book of Psalms that says, "Then they believed His words; they sang His praise. They soon forgot His works." How easy it is for new believers to trust...to get on the spiritual band wagon...to be filled with praise when things are going great...to marvel at the awesomeness of God, but let the times get hard and those songs of praise die down in a hurry. Sometimes when the "new" wears off, just like these people in the Bible, we become complacent. We forget. A leanness enters our soul.

In the midst of trial or suffering, I'm always bold enough to pray and ask God for what I need. I'm brave in my faith and in my expectations. But sometimes, after He's answered my prayer and the crisis is over, I slowly begin to forget. My prayers become less adventurous and less brave. I begin to pray for smaller things instead of greater things. It's not that my faith has become weak, it's just that I've forgotten the many blessings He's given me.

Today, I asked God to quicken my memory. To help me remember things He's done for me over the past 8 months. It's important to me to refresh my thoughts and keep His great blessings at the forefront of my mind. And so, I thought it would be helpful to make a list as He reminded me of ways He'd been faithful to me:

• In May, God allowed me to find the mass in my breast as I was showering. He could have allowed it to remain hidden and for it to have been years before it was discovered, but His timing is always perfect in every thing. 
• We were busy moving so I didn't have time to focus on the mass, this was a brief respite from the initial panic I felt on the day I found the mass. I think this was His way of protecting my heart until I was ready to handle the real news. 
• When things slowed down and we were settled, He prompted me to find a doctor and get it checked. He did not let me forget about it. Day after day, I felt Him reminding me, "you need to get this checked...you really need to get this checked." 
• He led me to an OB/GYN who immediately sent me for tests. The doctor originally thought it was just a fluid filled cyst but she was diligent and ordered diagnostic mammograms, an ultrasound, and core needle biopsies immediately. I know God had imparted that wisdom to her in order to save my life. 
• He knew I would be fearful and sent one of my daughters to accompany me to the procedures. He used her to remind me of His love. I was never alone, even when I couldn't see someone with "skin" on. 
• When I needed to find a surgeon, He led me to the very best breast surgeon in our area. She was very attentive and kind. She never made me feel rushed and spent hours discussing in detail exactly what she was planning to do.
• Through a string of amazing events, God provided the resources for my husband and I to go to the beach so I could process everything that was happening to me. During our time there, God spoke to my heart in such a tender, loving way. He used His beauty in nature to show me that in every tiny detail, He is present. 
• During surgery, my doctor was able to remove the entire mass and found only one lymph node that was cancerous. Although I had 6 lymph nodes removed, only one was malignant. God gave my surgeon the wisdom to check my lymph nodes. Had she not done that, the spreading cancer may have gone undetected and traveled to various organs in my body.
• As I was healing, God provided the means for my oldest daughter to come and be with me. She was a great source of encouragement and help. God knew I would need her so He laid it on her heart to plan on coming. Her husband and children were so gracious to part with her and, she was pregnant to boot!
• Through the internet, on a Facebook Breast Cancer site, I made a new friend who became my mentor. She traveled over an hour and a half to visit me. She brought a special wedge pillow and a padded seat belt strap for me as she knew I'd need them. God spoke to her heart and gave her the courage to come visit a total stranger. I'm so thankful He did!
• God prompted family and friends to call, write letters, send cards and gifts and to lift me up in prayer. Those little symbols of love always arrived at the perfect time. I know God orchestrated those gifts just for me.
• God has used my sweet husband to minister His love to me throughout this entire journey. He has gifted him with patience, caring, and understanding. He has laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me and just loved me. He is a wonderful example of God's tender loving care.
• God knew, even before we moved to this area, that I would experience cancer. The radiation oncology clinic where I'd need treatments is very close to our house...that wasn't a coincidence because right after we'd first moved here, my husband and I were driving around the area to get familiar with it. As we passed the radiation oncology clinic, I heard God speak to my heart and say, "You'll be going there soon." Months before I would be diagnosed, He forewarned me. He knows I don't do well with surprises. I'm so thankful He speaks to me in that still small voice and prepares me for the hard things that come my way.
• When I started radiation, God allowed me to meet 2 women who became my cheerleaders. They were going through treatment too, but they helped me know what to expect. Every morning, as I arrived at the clinic, they'd great me. One of them sat and talked to me as I was preparing to have treatment and the other talked to me on the way out. One was an elderly lady with cancer of the nose and the other was a woman about my mother's age who also had breast cancer. They looked after me like a mother hen watches after her chicks. God planted them there at the exact moment in time I needed them! 
• As the months have passed, God has allowed me time alone to draw closer and closer to Him. Each day is sweeter than the one before as He continues to teach me and allow me to see more deeply into His heart. 
• God led me to my Oncologist and to the Cancer Wellness Center where I can take part in free art therapy lessons, writing programs, cooking or exercise programs. God knew I would need someone I could trust. My doctor is Jewish and very soft spoken. He's gentle and caring. God knew I'd need someone who would be understanding and kind. The classes at the wellness center provide a way for me to get out and meet people. Once again, God knew I didn't need to be alone and He made provision for me. 

I could go on and on about the things He's done to show me He's never left me alone throughout this trial but I won't. He's used this time of testing to continually teach me and prepare me. I don't know yet what He's preparing me for, but I'm sure He'll reveal it to me soon. I don't think God ever allows you to go through a trial or time of testing without a purpose behind it. Perhaps He's going to use me to minister to others in some way. It will be interesting to see what the future holds.

Has God done amazing things in your life? Have you allowed the newness of it to wear off? Why not stop and take time to remember all that He's brought you through. Remembering brings blessing...the blessing of understanding that you are unique and special to God. You are precious to Him. He loves you so much more than you will ever know. Don't forget the times He's been right by your side when you needed Him most...when He's answered prayers you've cried in the dark...when He's provided for your needs when you least expected it. Let's give Him praise where praise is due! Remember.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Random thoughts

I fished out my bra and boobs from the little round pink boxes sitting on my dresser. My daughter was coming to take me out to lunch and to do a little shopping. I slipped off my "wife beater" t shirt and placed the hook and eyes of the bra fasteners at my chest so I could see them and click them together easily. When I had them fastened, I spun the bra around and slipped my arms through the straps. I walked over to the mirror to look at myself. Ewww....I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. My prostheses, while much smaller in size than my first set, looked awkward. They lay flat against my skin and barely filled out the bra at all. Their weight was uncomfortable. Even though they were small, the silicone was heavy. I slipped on my blouse and buttoned it up. Again, I looked in the mirror. There wasn't much to see and I surely didn't look like I had any breasts. There were only tiny lumps present. Oh well, there was nothing I could do.

I walked around the living room getting used to the weight of my prostheses. I hadn't worn these but once since I got them. The bra was rubbing against my incisions and didn't feel good at all. I went back into the bedroom to see if I could find a way to remedy the situation. I took off the bra and put on a camisole. Then I placed the bra with the silicone boobs back on. On top of the camisole, the bra didn't rub as much. 

Laura arrived a few minutes later. She texted me that Heather was asleep and asked if I'd mind just coming out to the car. I grabbed my keys and locked the door hurrying out to the driveway. I peeked into the back of the car to see my sweet granddaughter's face. Sleeping children are so precious. 

We drove into town and grabbed some lunch. Afterwards, we swung by Dairy Queen for a cool treat. Next we did some shopping. I had to constantly tug at my bra as it was riding up on my side. I wasn't embarrassed to be out in public though, because at least I had the semblance of femininity. 

When we got back home, the first thing I did was remove my bra! I told Laura I couldn't stand it any longer. I played hide and seek with Heather for a long time and then she wanted me to pick her up. I knew I shouldn't have, but how can you turn down such a sweet little one reaching up for you? As I grabbed her up in my arms and swung her around, she laughed as I squealed a loud, "WHEEEEEE." 

It was such a beautiful day. The sun was shining and it was so wonderfully warm. Laura, Heather, and I went outside for a little while before they had to head home. Heather had such fun playing with sticks, pinestraw, and pinecones. It's amazing how little it takes to entertain her. 

After they left, I went back inside the house and began to make dinner. I didn't realize how sore I was until I bent down to get a skillet from the cabinet. I was surprised that I felt this way and wondered if it was just from picking Heather up and holding her or if it was something else. I ended up taking a pain pill and resting the remainder of the evening. I kicked back in my recliner and enjoyed some TV with my hubby. It felt good to just rest. 

I go to see the Oncologist next week. I know he's going to take more blood work. They always have to stay on top of things to make sure your tumor markers aren't rising which could indicate a recurrence. I'm hesitant to see him. I'm wondering how he's going to react to my decision not to take medication. I'm glad Phil will be there with me. 

Before bed, I decided to check Facebook. I see updates on Kara Tippetts (my internet friend who's dying of stage 4 breast cancer). It upsets me greatly. I can't help but think of how those around her are being challenged daily. I marvel at Kara's faith in the midst of her pain. I wonder if I would be as strong. Every day I check her blog, I expect to find a guest post stating that she's gone home to be with the Lord. That day is coming and very soon. She's been in hospice now since March 2. That's just a little over 2 weeks. The time is drawing closer. I wonder how I'm going to handle it when she passes away. It's interesting how the life of a complete stranger can affect me so deeply. That was the same way it was with Christina Newman, another fairly young breast cancer survivor who passed away at the end of last year. Maybe their stories touch my heart so profoundly because I can only stop and think there but for the grace of God go I. 

What I'm thinking:

I wonder if I'm just getting old and out of shape. Maybe that's why I get so tired after playing with Heather. Sometimes I think I may be focusing too much on every little ache and pain. What am I expecting to happen? Why do I feel this way? Why am I fearful? Did I make the right decision not to take the medication or did I make the wrong one? I've been feeling normal since the second week of January when I stopped taking the 2nd medication and it's felt so good. Am I deluding myself? Should I ask for a PET scan just to be sure nothing is happening inside me? Why do I still get so emotional at times? Why do I have so many questions???? I read this in a medical journal and it made me feel a little better...."We like to think of the end of cancer treatment as the closing of a chapter, but what most people don’t realize is that the emotional struggle continues long after,” Dr. Kevin C. Oeffinger, a primary care physician and director of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center’s adult long-term follow-up program, says. “Feelings of post-treatment depression and anxiety are amazingly normal. I would go so far as to say that if you don’t have them it’s a surprise.”

Yesterday, I received my copy of CURE magazine in the mail. It's a breast cancer publication that my doctor's office sends me. Smack dab on the front cover was a glamorous picture of Joan Lunden. She makes breast cancer look good. It really chaps my hide how all these big celebrities that are diagnosed with cancer make it seem so uninvasive. It would be nice if they'd share their real stories allowing their fans to see the ugly side of cancer. The ones of us who've suffered through it know even when those pictures aren't shown. I just don't understand why they can't just be real.

It's that time of year again...the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Race for the Cure. I could sign up as a survivor and walk but I don't want to do it. What good does walking do anyway? It doesn't solve the cancer. Yes, sure, the participants help raise money for research but how much of that money actually goes toward finding a cure? I bet not much. So I have no desire to be involved in all the hullabaloo, the sea of pink. Count me out. Yes, I want a cure to be discovered and soon but I don't think a 3 day walk will do anything to bring that about.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved