My get up and go got up and went!

This morning I slept until 9 a.m. That is really late for me since I am usually up and going by 5:30 a.m. each morning. I have been so physically tired lately. It's an effort to do anything and that is not like me at all. Usually I get up and get busy right away doing things around the house. I'm full of energy and go full steam ahead until early evening. Now I'm finding myself feeling exhausted a couple of hours after waking and even menial tasks are an effort for me. Have you ever had the flu or mononucleosis? Do you remember how hard it was to just get up out of the bed? That's the way I'm feeling right now...like I have to make myself do things.

Researching the internet helped me understand that the way I'm feeling is not something out of the ordinary for people with Breast Cancer. Cancer-related fatigue (CRF - sometimes simply called "cancer fatigue") is one of the most common side effects of Cancer and its treatments. It is often described as "paralyzing." Usually, it comes on suddenly, does not result from activity or exertion, and is not relieved by rest or sleep. It may not end - even when treatment is complete.

My daughter said it's because my body is working hard to fight those nasty little Cancer cells that are having a field day inside of me. I never thought of it that way, but I guess she's right. I do know that I don't like feeling this way but I'm going to do my best to push through it.

Being exhausted is not a laughing matter but this old poem makes me laugh every time I read it. It surely describes how I feel right now...my get up and go got up and went.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
But, though nations are warring, and Congress is vexed,
We’ll still stick around to see what happens next!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

When I was young, my slippers were red;
I could kick up my heels right over my head.
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance the whole night through.
Now I am older, my slippers are black.
I huff to the store and puff my way back.
But never you laugh; I don’t mind at all:
I’d rather be huffing than not puff at all!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Open the paper, and read the Obits.
If I’m not there, I know I’m not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been! 

 

 

True Friends

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the day without thinking about my upcoming surgery and what a blessing that was to me! Two very dear friends, Margot and Steve Lane, came to spend the day with me. We enjoyed a nice visit, lunch at a local Thai restaurant, and a little shopping. I am so thankful for their friendship because they helped me relax and really enjoy the day.

Margot is hilarious! She always finds the funniest things to say or do that make me laugh. Her positive outlook on life is infectious. She's not only a very special friend of mine, she's also my sister in Christ. We share a special bond for which I am truly grateful.

Steve is very soft spoken and gentle. He is a profound thinker and when he speaks, he chooses his words carefully.  His British accent gives a wonderful charm to his comments and he can make anything sound interesting!

Before Margot and Steve arrived, I worried that they may ask me questions about the Cancer and the upcoming surgery. I was so emotional and I was really hoping not to have to face a barage of questions. Thankfully, they never asked one question unless I opened the door first.

Margot and Steve are true friends. They are friends who have managed to look past the horror of a Cancer diagnosis. Yes, they clearly understood I was going through a difficult time and didn't really feel up to chatting. They never made me feel like I needed to answer endless questions. They didn't make me feel like I had to put on a face of happiness to hide how I really felt inside. They had come simply because they truly loved and cared about me. When they left, I felt very encouraged.

I am so thankful for true friends...friends who can love me even when I'm not lovely. Without friends, the valley of Cancer would be a very lonely place to be. I'm so thankful that God created the gift of friendship so we can enjoy being in each others presence.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I am weak

I'll admit it. I am weak. Although I long to be strong, and as a child of God I should be, sometimes I find that I am very weak. Cancer has helped me see just how weak I am. Wouldn't you think I'd be able to laugh through my tiredness and keep my emotions in control at all times? After all, my strength is supposed to come from the Lord, isn't it?

I've been reading a lot in the book of Paul lately. My suffering seems so trivial compared to what he endured. He was mobbed, jailed, beaten, deprived of food and sleep, and endured three shipwrecks. But even in the midst of all of those things, he was able to say he was most happy to be proud of his weaknesses so that he could feel the strength and protection of the Lord over him.

There's nothing about my weakness, my tiredness, my pain, or my emotional mood swings that makes me proud. I have realized though that people will only see me as a strong woman if they can understand how difficult this journey really is for me. If I go through surgery and treatments without ever talking about how hard it is, or if I never share my emotions with them; they won't see all that God is doing in my life. When they see my tears of depression slip out in the midst of a normal day, when they see a forced smile in the midst of pain, then and only then can they marvel at the strength God has given me. When they hear me admit my weakness yet still continue on, they can praise God for my persistence.

There is truth to Paul's words. When I admit I am weak, then I can boast. But I am not boasting in my own abilities...only in the strength God has given me to press on. I hate the weakness that Cancer has brought into my life. But during this trial, as I've surrendered to God and trusted Him, I've learned to appreciate His strength. I've learned to appreciate the love and support of those around me.

Thank you, God, for showing me that it's okay for me to be weak because when I am weak, You are strong. Help me use my admission of weakness to point others to You.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"So fto keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,1 ga thorn was given me in the flesh, ha messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 iThree times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, j“My grace is sufficient for you, for kmy power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that lthe power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 mFor the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For owhen I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

^"4 In fact, in everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God.
We patiently endure suffering and hardship and trouble of every kind." 2 Corinthians 6:4

The Avalanche begins

I just got a call from the pre-registration department of the hospital. After playing 20 questions, the guy on the phone says (in one long unbroken breath) "you'll need to pay your remaining deductible and that's $486.17, how would you like to pay that?" I paused and told him we weren't expecting to have to pay that right now. He said "you can set up payment arrangements with the front desk upon check in." Wow!

The medical bills have already started rolling in and I haven't even had my surgery yet! How does anyone afford Cancer? We just received a bill from the hospital last week for the pathology and lab work in the amount of $580.00. Thankfully my husband does have insurance and they should pay 80% of the upcoming medical bills but there are no guarantees. Insurance companies drop Cancer patients every day along with people suffering from other long term illnesses.

I'm not a proponent of socialized medicine or "Obamacare" but what do people do when they have no way to pay for their medical bills? Do they just claim medical bankruptcy? Do they self treat at home? Do they forego treatment all together? Do they set up minimum payments on long term payment plans that could last for a decade or more?

It's sad that Cancer patients have to have the added stress of medical bills in conjunction with all the other stressors they face on a daily basis. There should be concessions that hospitals and insurance companies could make to help alleviate some of the monetary burden upon patients. It's hard enough to deal with the agony of a devastating medical diagnosis, surgery, treatments, pain, emotional turmoil and then on top of all that have to deal with medical woes...it's enough to kill a person. Maybe that's what they're trying to do to keep from having to pay out large claims...HMMMM????

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stormy Seas

I was reading Mark 4:35-41 today. I've read those verses many times before but something was different today. The disciples are with Jesus and he asks them to go with him on a journey. He invites them to climb into his boat and go across the sea with him. As they are going out into the water, the winds start to whip and the waves get bigger. A full-fledged storm is brewing and it's no ordinary storm...it's Hurricane strength! What does Jesus do? He goes into the stern of the boat, lays His head down on a leather cushion and falls asleep. The boat starts taking on water as the disciples become more and more afraid. They are in FULL FREAK OUT MODE and decide that it's time to wake Jesus up.

I can just picture them shifting their weight in the boat and deciding which one of them is going to be the one to wake Jesus. I imagine whoever was elected was frantically shaking Jesus by the shoulder trying to rustle Him from a deep sleep. As soon as Jesus awakens, He immediately stands up. I can almost see the look on the disciples face as they rapidly blurt out through fear filled hearts "don't you care that the boat is sinking? We're going to DIE! What are you going to do about it??? Help us, NOW!" Of course, those weren't their exact words but I'm sure it was something close to that.

And what does Jesus do... He commands the sea to "be still" and instantly, the waves cease and the water is calm. He speaks to the wind and says "quiet." The wind immediately stills and a perfect hush settles around the boat.  Just as the disciples' hearts stop pounding in their chests, Jesus looks at them and says "Why are you so full of fear, don't you have any faith?" The disciples then look around at each other wondering who this man is that the wind and sea obey him.

The disciples KNEW Jesus. They had been with him long enough to watch him perform miracles and yet, they were scared to death on the sea even though He was right there in the boat with them! I wondered why they were so afraid.

On June 5, when the Doctor of Radiology called me with the pathology report, I immediately became fearful. The first thing I could think was this is my death sentence. Although I knew that Jesus was right there with me while I was on the phone, I chose to let fear overwhelm me. I couldn't see Jesus right there with me, but I knew in my heart He was there. The disciples on the other hand could SEE Jesus. They could see Him lying there asleep on the pillow in the back of the boat...and yet, they chose to let fear overtake them.

Why are we so quick to allow fear into our lives? Why is it such an easy emotion to accept? I am a person of faith and I consider myself to have a strong faith, so why then did I react the way I did when I received that fateful call? Jesus asked the same thing of the disciples when he said "why are you so full of fear, don't you have any faith?"

Have you ever held a mustard seed in your hand? They are so tiny. Jesus says in the Bible that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed that we can say to a mountain MOVE and it will be moved into the sea. I've always thought that I had at least that much faith, but do I really? Why is faith so hard to grasp?

Faith requires that we trust in something we can't see. Faith calls us to let go of every ounce of fear inside of us and when we do, we find something amazing happening...we find that there's a peace to the inner storm of turmoil in our lives. Just like Jesus commanding the sea and the wind, there's instant stillness. Faith and trust go hand in hand and without them, fear slides in and rocks the boat.

I'm not saying that the diagnosis of Cancer is an easy one to accept because that's far from the truth, but as a Christian, there's no reason to allow fear to take control of my ship. My Navigator is Jesus Christ and though He may allow me to sail through some stormy seas in the days ahead; He's my compass...my TRUE NORTH. I know that I can trust Him even when I can't see Him. And yes, I'm sure there are going to be moments when I find myself feeling fearful but I know that even if my boat is rocking on tumultuous seas all I have to do is call on Jesus and He'll calm the waters immediately.What a comfort to know that I don't have to go through anything that constitutes a personal storm without God always being in control. Help me, Lord, to remember that storms cease more quickly when I trust in You!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

Thankful Thursday

Since my Cancer diagnosis, I've been seeing the world through new eyes. Even the little things in life are amazing! So every Thursday, I'm going to share the things for which I'm thankful.

•  I was awakened by the sound of birds chirping. They do this every morning but today they sounded especially sweet. Just a little while later, the sun began to shine through my window and I was thankful for the right to see it rise again. Little things.

• I received a Facebook message from a new found "Pink Sister." She wanted to share helpful tips and information with me. Can you believe that? A complete stranger! She also offered to come to my house and bring me items that would help me during my surgery and recovery period. She wanted to "pay forward" the kindnesses that someone had paid to her during her treatment. 

•  I received a Facebook message from my Aunt telling me that she loves me and she's praying for me. I'm so thankful for the love and prayers of others. 

• The mail lady drove up my driveway because she had a package to deliver. I hadn't seen a soul all day so I went out to talk with her. She stayed in my driveway and we talked for about 15 minutes about my health and she offered to do anything she could for me in the days ahead. I'm thankful for new friends!

• Two of my children called today to check on me and they've made a special point to do this every day. I feel so loved!

• My brother set up Skype so I could "visit" with my mother who's in a nursing home. Isn't technology grand?

• A sweet friend sent me a picture of herself wearing a Breast Cancer shirt and said she was wearing it for me! I felt so honored!

•  Another dear friend said she'd like to be at the hospital with me when I had my surgery. I was so touched!

•  Hubby is going to stop by the salon on his way home from work to pick up some styling wax for my hair new do. He's so sweet to run errands for me! I am so blessed!

God gives me so many things to be thankful for each day. Little things aren't so little anymore when you look at them through the eyes of Cancer. I hope you know how much I appreciate those of you who are taking time to read my blog too! Blogging has been cathartic for me and has helped me deal with a vast array of emotions. Be good to yourself and be thankful. Today is a gift...use it wisely.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

God is God and I am not

For days and days, I've felt all alone in this battle against Cancer. I've been searching for someone to talk to and understand what I'm going through. Sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out. Other times I want to kick and scream. And of course, I keep wondering why me.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, God pointed me to the book of Job (pronounced with a long O sound not like the word job), chapters 38-39. If you're not familiar with it, in a nutshell Job was a very wealthy man who loved the Lord and praised Him daily. Satan asked God if everything was taken away from Job, would Job still love and worship Him. So God gave Satan permission to do anything he wanted to do to Job except kill him. Satan had a field day. He destroyed Job's family, took away all of his wealth, and made him physically ill. At first, Job praised God anyway and said "the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away" but as the destruction on his life continues, Job becomes tired of fighting. He begins to ask God why...why was he even born!

God in His power and might answers Job in a way Job did not expect. He tells Job that He is going to question him and He (God) is going to demand that Job answer Him. He starts out asking Job where he was when He (God) created the earth. Then He asks Job who laid out boundaries for the ocean waters. He then asks "Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?" On and on the questions come. In essence, God was telling Job that He was God and Job was not. He had allowed Job to suffer and He had allowed it for a purpose. 

I thought about those chapters in the book of Job and how they could apply to me right now. God seemed to be shouting at me, "this is what I want you to understand! You haven't done anything wrong, you've done nothing to deserve this disease, but I've allowed it for my purposes." Okay, okay! I get it God! It's not for me to understand and I won't ask why any longer. I'll just accept the fact that you've chosen to take me through this for a special reason. I may never understand the reason until I can look back and see what you were doing. I may never understand it at all, but I will accept your sovereign will in my life. After finally accepting the fact that God's allowing this into my life, I can relax a little. I don't have to worry and wonder any more. I can rest just knowing that He's got it all figured out.

I've been overwhelmed with the love and support I've received over the past few days. God has been using others to minister His love to me. Complete strangers have wrapped their arms tightly around me and comforted me. Oh they haven't been by my side physically, but through the magic of the internet, I've met thousands of new sisters who are either in the beginning, in the middle, or in the end stages of Cancer. Each one of them have been willing to "pay it forward" to newbies like me.

Cancer comes with a million unanswered questions and the "Pink Sisterhood" are a wealth of information when it comes to finding answers. Through Facebook groups like "Breast Cancer Survivors," "Breast Cancer Champions," "Christian Women Living with Cancer" and others, I've found women who are willing to be open and honest and raw about their journeys. They don't belittle me for asking "dumb" questions. They answer truthfully and candidly.

One of the ladies lives in the Atlanta area and has even offered to come visit me and bring me things that she used during her surgical recovery period. Isn't it amazing that a complete stranger would be willing to come and talk with me? Isn't it generous of her to be willing to give me helpful tips and advice to make my journey a little easier? I think so!From what I've learned so far from these ladies, once they've made it to the "other side of Cancer" they are so filled with gratitude, they just feel an overwhelming need to "pay it forward." Right now, I'm on the receiving end but hopefully, in the very near future, I'll be on the giving end.

Reading their stories gives me hope. One thing I've seen throughout each of their journeys is a strong desire to live and the will to fight. Very rarely do you read about a woman diagnosed with Cancer who just rolls over and gives up. Usually, they put up their dukes, crawl into the ring and start punching! It doesn't matter how many times they get knocked down; they somehow manage to get up again. And they keep on fighting until either Cancer deals the final blow or they kick Cancer's butt. I think God gives women an extra dose of courage, strength, wisdom, and patience when He creates them. Afterall, how could we make it in the world today without those?

I am thankful that God is God and I am not! I wouldn't want to have all the responsibilities that He has holding the stars in place, keeping the oceans in their boundaries...listening to all those prayers! Whenever I don't understand why He's allowing something into my life, I have to remember that when I can't see His hand, I can trust His heart. And that's enough for me. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Countdown

Don't you just love going to the Play Store and downloading Apps? I do! I'm always looking for a useful application to put on my cell phone. A while back, I found a great one, thanks to the advice of my son, called the Final Countdown. It's an application that allows you to set a specific date for an event and then the App will do a second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, countdown to your event. It's really cool and I love watching the red digital numbers clicking away.

This morning, I was looking at my App and an event that I had programmed into it.  I'd programmed in the date of my bilateral mastectomy. The little clock is screaming out  It's only 15 days now until I have my surgery. I can look back at another event and see it's been exactly 19 days since I received the news that I have Breast Cancer.  That App is a good one to have, especially when you have an event you're looking forward to attending but in my case, not so much. Maybe it's just my imagination, but the mass feels like it's gotten larger. I can't help thinking that the Cancer is continuing to grow and multiply inside me while I wait to have it cut out. In my mind, I can see the cells mutating. I can see them just as clearly as if I were back in Biology class looking at a Petri dish under microscopic magnification.

I remember when I was in high school. One of my favorite classes was Biology. My professor, Mr. Wing, was a nerdy little guy with glasses and a beard but he was a good teacher. He loved seeing his students reaction when they witnessed something they'd never seen before. I know I brought him a lot of joy because I was amazed at almost everything we learned in his class!

Peering into the lens of the microscope and watching microorganisms swimming around in a droplet of water was fascinating to me. I loved studying about DNA, cell replication, and cell mutation. I wanted to go into the medical field after I completed high school. To me, Science was a very broad and open field of study with so many different choices in which to specialize. I thought about starting out as a Registered Nurse or even a Paramedic, but never dreamed of Oncology...never gave a thought to studying Cancer.

When you're diagnosed with Breast Cancer, after you get past the initial shock of the diagnosis, you become a specialist in your field very quickly. You become obsessed with wanting to quickly gather as much information about the disease as possible. You feel a need to know. In some small way, the more knowledge you glean, the more control you feel. On the other hand, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. The internet is full of wonderful, helpful information but it's also full of fallacies and misinformation. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the two.

I've tried hard to gather information that will prove helpful to me. Just like a soldier choosing weapons for an upcoming battle, I'm trying to choose the ones that will prove most powerful and effective. I've been studying about diet and how it can change and affect the outcome of the growth of Cancer. I've been studying about the effects of stress and the power of positive thinking. I've been learning any and everything that may or may not give me a better chance at beating this disease in conjunction with the medical treatments my doctor deems necessary. I'm finding myself to be more determined than ever to live and live as long as I possibly can live. It's funny, but until Cancer found me, I never really gave much thought to my life or how long I might live.

It's not easy knowing that Cancer cells are inside me right now growing and multiplying although they probably aren't growing as rapidly as I might think. Even though I want them out of me immediately, the scientist side of me wants to see them and understand them. I want to know what caused me to get Cancer. How long has it been growing deep inside of me? And what would have happened had I never discovered it hiding there? Most data on the internet says that by the time we actually feel a lump, the Cancer has been growing for 8-10 years! That is hard for me to fathom.

As I continue to wait for my surgery, I'm trying hard not to think about how many Cancer cells are dancing around inside me. It's hard knowing they're having a closed door party and I wasn't invited to attend. But soon, I'm going to offer them a special "chemo cocktail" that's going to knock their socks off! I can just picture it...just like spraying a can of Raid onto a big hill of red ants...they're going to fall over dead in their tracks.  There will be no more replication, no more mutation, no more Cancer cells of any kind....at least that's what I'm hoping for...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Laughter, the best medicine

Today I watched an online movie called "Decoding Annie Parker." It was a movie based on the true story of Annie Parker, a young woman whose Grandmother, Mother, and Sister all died of Breast Cancer. The story was also about a persistent geneticist, Dr. Marie Claire King, who worked for years trying to discover the link or  the hereditary gene (BRCA1) that may have caused women in the same family to get Breast Cancer. She and Annie worked diligently to find the connection. It was an interesting movie.

My breast surgeon had talked to me at my last visit about testing me for the BRCA1 gene since there was no history of Breast Cancer in my immediate family. She told me that it was important to know if I carried that gene because if I do, there's an 85% chance that one of my daughters will get Breast Cancer at some point in their lives. Those are pretty high odds and I'm scared to have the test done because of them; but I'd rather know and be able to let my girls know just in case they need that information in the future.

Speaking of the future, I'm a pretty practical person, or at least I like to think I am. I'm always planning ahead, making sure things are set in place. Today, my husband and I went to visit our lawyer. A couple of weeks ago, right after receiving my diagnosis, I made an appointment to have him draw up wills for us. (Now don't go thinking I'm planning on dying any time soon because that is NOT the case. I plan on being around a LONG time! I just want to make sure things are in order now so I won't have to worry about them later.) While the attorney was going over the wills with my husband and I, he was discussing stipulations set forth in the will with regard to right of survivorship. He said, "Mrs. Annis let's just say you die first..." I didn't even let him finish his sentence and I burst out laughing. He looked puzzled and I knew I had to explain my behavior and I wanted to make light of the situation at the same time. I said, "well, that actually might be the case since I just recently got a diagnosis of Breast Cancer." You should have seen his face! He turned a bright shade of red and apologized profusely explaining that he was just using that as an example. I told him I knew that but I had to take advantage of a little bit of humor while I could. Humorous moments haven't been too frequent lately and it sure did feel good to laugh! Laughter truly is the best medicine!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The meltdowns continue

Today hubby and I had a really great start to the perfect day. He was off work and we had planned to go into town, grab some lunch and do some shopping. Everything was going well until I decided to get my hair cut. I don't know what I was thinking other than if I'm going to have this breast surgery and I'm going to have to go through chemo and radiation, I don't want to deal with having my hair coming out in big clumps. So...I thought I'd be proactive.

We were in the downtown area of a city fairly close to our home but we weren't familiar with any of the shopping centers there. We had to do some scouting around for a hair salon. The first few we went to were closed on Sunday, but we weren't giving up just yet. My husband is so sweet! He always offers to go the extra mile especially when he knows it will make me happy. We continued on with the help of the GPS and found an upscale salon that was open. Surely they'd be able to take a "walk in" and make me look stunning.

I went into the salon with high hopes but as I approached the receptionist's desk, I felt a flood of emotions welling up inside me and no matter how hard I tried to keep the dam of tears from bursting, I couldn't keep it together. Like a blubbering idiot, I tried to explain to the receptionist that I needed a haircut. I'm sure she wondered what kind of nut job had walked into their salon and I'm so thankful there were no other clients there at the time. I managed to calm down a little and told her that I had just recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and I wanted to get my hair cut short before my surgery and treatments. She looked at the computer and told me they were completely booked up. Without groveling, I asked her if there was anyone who could just do a wet cut...just a pixie...I'd be glad to dry it myself at home. No deal. She apologized profusely and I asked if she knew anywhere else I could go.As we walked to the car, I had a major meltdown. Hubby did his best to console me and after about twenty minutes, I was able to recompose myself.

On we drove and finally we arrived back in our home town. We were sitting in the car in front of the salon the receptionist had referred us to, I was hesitant to go in for fear of another melt down. Hubby encouraged me and off we went. The wait was just a few minutes and the stylist was very pleasant and kind. After asking me what type of cut I wanted, I explained my situation to her. I was thankful there were no tears this time. She was very understanding and we began to talk about what Cancer feels like...she'd found three lumps in her breast earlier in the week. I encouraged her to go see her doctor immediately.

I watched as she cut my hair. She took her time to make sure everything was symmetrical and even. She never hurried and made sure to ask me all throughout the cut if it was what I wanted. Inches of hair fell from my head as she continued around to the back. Oh my...look at all the gray hair under there! I was watching my face in the mirror and wondering to myself...is this the face of Cancer? I looked at my best features, my eyes and my smile and wanted to scream NO! I am not the face of Cancer. I will not be the face of Cancer.

She finished up the hair cut and pulled out some styling wax...wow my hair was short! Gingerly, she moved the warm wax through my hair pulling out sections to make it piece-y and trendy. "Oh go ahead and wreck it up!" I said, "I'm going to do that when I get home anyway. Put a little funk into it!" She smiled and did as I asked. Handing me the mirror, she spun the chair around so I could peek at the back. It was cute, but super short. All I could think was at least there won't be much to fall out when it comes time for chemo.

I paid her and thanked her as we walked out of the shop. Running my fingers through my super short crop, I wondered if I'd made the right decision. I love, love, love long hair and now mine was less than 2 inches long. I asked my husband if I looked like a man. He smiled and said, "no! You're beautiful...always have been...always will be." I asked him if he just said that because he knew that's what I needed to hear and he assured me that he hadn't. I sure do love that man! I think we're going to make it through this and I think we're going to be okay.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The reward of persistence

I'm a very determined person. When I set my mind on something, I do whatever it takes to accomplish it. Some people might even call that being "hard headed" or "stubborn" but any way you see it, that's just the way I am. Yesterday, my persistence paid off.

Since receiving my diagnosis of Cancer, I've been on the emotional ride of a lifetime. I've experienced the deep downward spiral of depression, the little hills of hope, and then I've sped through the twists and turns of all the confusion associated with upcoming surgeries, treatments, and doctor's appointments. It's been mind bending! My poor husband has held on tight for the ride as he's journeyed along with me these past few weeks."I need a break," I told him through tear filled eyes. "I need to be at the beach." He looked at me, through eyes of love, and said, "let's go."

Little did I know that one of my daughters had already been scouring the internet trying to help make my dream come true. She's spent hours trying to find the perfect spot for us, but trying to plan an impromptu vacation on a holiday weekend was not easy. Each condo she tried to reserve had already been booked. She tried so hard but soon became discouraged. She knows me very, very well and knew how desperately I wanted to go. She knew I needed to be at the beach. So after a valiant effort, she passed the trip planning on to me.To make a long story short, it took some doing but I was able to find a lovely B & B just off the beach. I called to make the reservation late last night. "You're lucky! It's our last room," the innkeeper said. "I'm not lucky, I'm blessed," I replied.

I can't describe how much being at the beach means to me. It's not about standing in the warm, wet sand and wiggling my toes. It's not about sitting for hours watching the repetitive motion of the waves as they rush in to shore. It's not about watching the sun rise or set. For me, it's just where I feel closest to God. Oh sure, I see Him in all the beauty of nature that the beach holds....the tiny Cocina shells, the flocks of sea gulls, even the salty sea breeze; but there's so much more to it than that. When I stand on the shore, I feel so very small and God is so very big. Even in those moments, I feel His heartbeat. I know He's with me. That is why I need to go to the beach. I need to be alone with God for a while.

In Matthew 11:28, there's a wonderful verse that says "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." I'm going to the beach to find rest for my soul. I want to release all the fear and worry and dread associated with Cancer. I want to relinquish the control over my life to my Creator. And yes, I can do this any place, at any time, because I know that God is always with me...but for me, right now, I need to do it at the beach. I think God knows my heart better than anyone. He knows exactly what I need and I think, like the loving Father He is, that He's probably up there smiling down at me right now. Going to the beach isn't that big of a deal for some...in fact, they probably go once or twice a year like I always have in the past. But this trip, this time, is special. It's my time to rest my head in my Daddy's lap and cry. As He strokes my head and whispers reassurance to me, I'll find peace. As the waves crash against the shore and the sea breeze washes over me, I'll be freed from all that is weighing me down right now. And while I wish I could stay at the beach forever, I'll return home feeling empowered and lightened and loved.

So on Independence day, I'll head for the shore. After three days there, I'll return to have radioactive dye injected into my breasts and the following day, I'll have them removed along with several lymph nodes in my arm. As I lie on the operating table, before they put me under, I just know I'm going to hear the call of the shore birds echoing in my mind and then, I'll drift off to the smell of the salty sea air...after all, the beach is and always has been the very best medicine for me.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

I just can't stop

Today, I woke up at the crack of dawn. In my bare feet, I pad quietly into my office and flip on my laptop. The main screen pops up and I sit down. I pull up my search engine and type in "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma." For the past week, I've been obsessed. For hours on end, I sit in front of the computer Googling this specific form of Breast Cancer.

There's so much information out there. I read medical reports and then I venture into the world of Breast Cancer blogs. Women all over the country are writing about their journeys.  I read a blog about a young 26 year old and cry. She's the same age as my youngest daughter. As I read her story, I marvel at her strength. How can she be so wise and so resilient when I am so scared and so rigid?

I read a while and realize that our stories aren't so very different. Every blog I read starts with "I'm still in shock, or I just can't believe it." Each blog is raw and honest, filled with emotion. Although I don't know these ladies personally, I feel like we're related in some unique way. We all have questions. We all need answers.

Soon I tire of reading blogs and jump over to YouTube to watch a few videos. I find another woman's video blog. Her video is about the last days of her life...she has stage 4 cancer and has been fighting for years. I watch it for about thirty minutes and then I can't watch it any longer...it's too depressing. She has no hope. She's already resigned herself to the fact that this disease is going to take her life and that's just the way it is. She talks about her family a lot in the video but never once mentions her faith. To me, that is so very sad. If only she had faith in God...her perspective might be very different. Her prognosis might be different too.

Medical videos are next. I start looking up Sentinel node removal and mastectomies. For some reason, I just want to see exactly how these surgeries are going to be performed. I feel better knowing. I don't like surprises. I want to be informed.

As I read, time slips quickly away.  I've been in front of the computer for 4 and a half hours. Why can't I stop? It's like I'm obsessed with knowing everything I can about this disease. I have to make myself turn off the computer and walk away.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Pity Party

Yesterday was not a very good day! It started off with a trip to the dentist and oh, how I hate going to the dentist. Just the sound of the drill gives me the willies! But I made it through unscathed.

As I was leaving the dentist's office, I received a call from the surgeon's office. "Everything has all been set up," she said in a chipper voice, "but before your surgery, you'll have several other appointments. You'll need to meet with the surgical nurse to make sure you understand all the details of your surgery and during that time, she'll make sure you know how to operate the surgical drains they're going to place in your chest - there will be 4 of them, 2 on each side. You'll have to learn how to drain them several times a day and record the measurements of the fluid from each one. You'll have a pre-op visit at the hospital where they'll do blood work, chest x-rays, an EKG, and lots of paperwork. You'll visit the radiology lab and have radioactive blue dye inserted into both of your breasts, and then...you'll go to the hospital at 6 a.m. (without food or drink) and have your surgery done which will take anywhere from 4 to 6 hours. After that, you'll stay overnight in the hospital for observation." Whew! My head was spinning!

As I continued to drive, I felt a little sorry for myself. The more I drove on, my feeling sorry for myself turning into a full blown pity party! The closer I got to home, the more determined I was to justify my pity party by rewarding myself with something I love....ICE CREAM! So I did. I stopped at the store, went inside and bought a pint of one of my favorite flavors of ice cream, mint chocolate chip. I was so desperate to eat it that I even bought a pack of heavy duty plastic spoons (you know a regular one would break off in the solidly frozen ice cream and I didn't want that to happen!) and got back in my car. I could hardly wait to break open the seal and dig in.

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever faced a myriad of stressful events or problems that plunged you deep into self pity? It's so easy for us to justify having a pity party isn't it? After all, our human logic sets up a scale of internal balances carefully measuring out whether all is right in the world or if we're being slighted. When we feel like we've come up on the short end of the stick, we often exhibit strange behavior...women go on shopping sprees or eating binges, men slam their fists into walls or ram the accelerator down to the floor in frustration and more often than not, we wallow like fat little piggies in the cool, slimy mud of raw self pity.

And we're not alone! We certainly aren't the only ones who've ever enjoyed our own little pity parties. Even in Biblical times, pity parties were prevalent. Look at Elijah! At one of the low moments in his life, he crawled under a broom tree and cried out for God to kill him! "I've had enough," he told the Lord, "take away my life. I've got to die sometime and it might as well be now!" (from the living Bible translation) And then, look at Paul...boy, if anyone had a right to a pity party it was Paul. He'd been beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, emprisoned, starved...wow. But Paul didn't throw himself a pity party. He reacted in totally the opposite way.

Paul learned to be content in his circumstances, whatever they might have been at the time. He said, "Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." And do you know why he was able to say this? It's because God had spoken to him earlier and said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

I realized several things after I'd eaten that pint of ice cream. First of all, I had just stuffed my feelings! Second, I had just ingested about 300 calories! Third, my having a pity party was a sin. The pity I was feeling for myself was unfounded. Sure, Satan wanted me to justify it and quantify it by weighing out all the unpleasantries that I had recently experienced and would soon experience in the very near future...but God didn't want me to look at things that way. He wanted me to realize that no matter what He allows me to go through, His grace will carry me. He wanted me to understand that yes, it's okay for me to feel weak but when I am feeling that way, His strength is more than I could ask for and it's there to help me through anything.

Oh yes! That mint chocolate chip ice cream tasted divine! It did melt away my sorrows for a few minutes but I realized that God's grace is so much more delectable and it isn't even fattening!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

^"Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day, and sat down under a broom bush and prayed that he might die. “I’ve had enough,” he told the Lord. “Take away my life. I’ve got to die sometime, and it might as well be now." 1 Kings 19:4

^"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in privations, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
 

The Ocean's calling...

For days now I've had a deep yearning in my spirit, an unrest like no other. The only way I can describe it is an empty hollowness that I know so well. It comes when I am full of fear, when I'm feeling far away from God and when this feeling comes, I know what to do.Waves of fear have been washing over me for a couple of weeks now. They come and they go, rushing in and out. Sometimes they're shallow, tiny waves and other times they are huge, magnificent ones that engulf me.

The ocean has always been a place of solitude for me. Every year, I've made a special point to go and just sit on the beach watching and waiting. God always speaks to my heart at the beach. Maybe it's the huge expanse of sky that overshadows me there....maybe it's the vastness of the sea. I always feel closest to God when I'm on the beach. There's nothing else like it. The spray of the salt water in my hair, the warmth of the sun on my face, the sound of crashing waves, the constant call of shorebirds...oh how I love it!

But lately, I've been drowning in a sea of fear and worry. Cancer has washed over me with a powerful vengeance. I've been caught in the undertow of hopelessness. I've been struggling to break free and swim to shore.

Last night, I listened closely to the lyrics of one of my favorite songs by Hillsong. The song is appropriately titled "Oceans, where feet may fail." As I listened to it, my soul was poured into...I felt a sweet release.

In all of my blog posts, I try to be open and honest with my readers. I want them to feel what I feel through carefully chosen words that I write. I want them to understand my heart and know not only my pain, but also my deep faith in God. This song, Oceans- where feet may fail, embodies where I am right now. I'm surrounded by the deep waters of the unknown regarding my health. But while I stand in the midst of swirling waters, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not alone. I know that Jesus is right beside me, holding onto me, and He won't let go. He's brought me here, you see. He has a purpose for me to step out into the deep. He wants me to look deep into His eyes as the waters rise and trust Him. He's been there for me all along. He always has and always will be with me. He's proven Himself faithful through the years and He knows me oh so well. He knows when I struggle against the tide. He patiently waits for me to lean back, relax, and just let the water carry me.

I've had a few rough days lately, I'll admit. I've felt the ocean calling. If there were any place I'd rather be right now than in Georgia, it's at the beach. I keep praying that I can find a way to go before my surgery and all the treatments begin, there isn't much time to pull it together...but I'm trying to make it happen. I need to be there.

Please take time to watch the video I've embedded in this post. It's about 9 minutes long but it will bless you and help you understand what I'm feeling. I think God creates a deep longing in our souls when He knows we need Him most...He woos us and bids us to come. He wants us to find that place of solace that only He can give. As the waves crash the shore, the deeper waters are still and calm. He's standing there with arm outstretched, waiting for me...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oceans - Where feet may fail by Hillsong

Surgery

I just got the phone call, my surgery date has been set for July 9. While I'm glad to finally know when the actual date will be, I'm also very scared. For some reason, the reality of it never really sunk in...I kept telling everyone that I had been diagnosed with Cancer and they all grasped the concept well but I didn't. For some reason, it's always been like that. Whenever I've heard any disturbing news, I've gone into some sort of protective mode...I guess that's what they call shock.

I don't know why it always takes a while for things to really "sink in" for me, especially when they involve me. Now that I have the date it makes it very real to me. I just looked at the calendar and that means I only have 21 days left with my body in a whole state...to have my body with my "boobs." I can't imagine not having them. I mean, I was really angry when I started developing them when I was in my early teens. I was such a tom boy and only thought of them as nuisances that would get in the way as I played football with the neighborhood boys. As I grew older, I realized they were an asset. They certainly drew attention from the boys and although I wasn't large chested, I had enough to signify my femininity. When I started having my children, they were a necessity to breast feed them with but now, they are broken...sick...diseased.

Is it wrong to mourn the loss of body parts? Does it matter that they're not as noticeable as a lost arm or leg would be? No, I don't need my "boobs" to function in daily life, but they are part of me and I'm going to feel lost without them.

And what do they do with all the breasts that are removed in daily surgeries? I know the pathologists divide and mutilate and take tissue samples. They slide pieces and parts of them under microscope lenses and marvel at the complicated intricacies they find. But when they're through with them, where do those appendages go? Are they just thrown into a huge red bio hazard bin? I'm not trying to be morbid here really.

So I have 21 days to feel like a whole woman and then, I won't. That's being pretty cut and dry, I know but let's be honest here, none of you are reading my blog because of the exciting Breast Cancer stories I tell. There's nothing wonderful or exciting involved with Cancer of any kind. You're reading it because you care about me, because you know me now or have known me in the past. Or maybe it's because you know someone who knows me. Maybe it's because you have already been touched by Cancer in your life or the life of someone close to you and you understand how difficult the journey will be. Maybe you're just reading it because someone pointed you my way and you're curious and glad that it isn't you with the diagnosis of Cancer looming over you. You're probably reading this because you want to try to understand all of the insanity associated with Cancer. More than likely you really want to help but don't know what to say or do. You want to make sure I am not falling to pieces and that I am not defined by my Breast Cancer.

Don't worry about me, really. I'm not going to sugar coat this. I'm going to cut to the chase. I won't be feeling optimistic all the time. It's sad to say, but we are multidimensional and Cancer throws a huge monkey wrench into the lives of the ones it chooses. I may not always write from my head with careful consideration for the thoughts of others. I may not write from my heart with love and compassion and caring. I may just throw it out there and let the chips fall where they may....whatever I decide to do and however I decide to do it, I'll share with you but be forewarned - I'm learning to be brave through my own beautiful mistakes.

Am I nervous...no! I'm scared to death! I've had many surgeries before so I know how it goes...all the bloodwork and tests...all the forms to fill out...redundant questions...poking, proding...yeah. I've been there and done that. This time I'm older and wiser and no, I don't know what the days ahead will hold, but I do know that I have 21 days of normalcy before the insanity begins. I intend to savor every second of the next 21 days. I'll probably do a lot crying. I know I'll do a lot of praying. And after it's all said and done, I'm going to wear a new badge of courage and I'll join the many other women who are surviving not necessarily because they had to, but because they WANTED to! I really, really, really do want to live.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

Wrestling with myself

For the past week I haven't been able to sleep...funny how a diagnosis of Cancer will do that to you. Oh, I've been tired and I've tried to close my eyes and rest but sleep just never would come. My mind was racing thinking constantly about the future. I tossed and turned and just about bounced my husband off of the bed.

I'll admit it. I'm a worrier. I always have been. Even though I know I'm not supposed to worry, I do. Someone once said that worrying shortens your life and that's probably true...even so, I worry. I've been worrying about my upcoming surgery, worrying about recovery, worrying about treatments, worrying about medical bills, worrying about how those bills are going to get paid, worrying about losing my hair, etc., etc., etc. I know, it's silly to "borrow trouble" as my grandmother used to say,...so why am I worrying?

My husband has been so concerned about my lack of sleep that he took me to a mattress store the other day and told me to pick out a new king sized set. I felt like a silly school girl going from one mattress to another lying down and "experiencing it" (as the salesman put it). After testing out about 5 or 6, I'd come to a decision and we quickly made our purchase and went home.

The mattress set was delivered yesterday. How nice it was to see the 10 year old one being removed and the new one set up in its place. I couldn't wait for the delivery men to leave so I could get on it and see how it felt.

When they left, I crawled up into the middle of the bed and just lay there. It felt amazing! The soft plush top with a firm foundation cradled my body as the cooling gel pad gave instant comfort. This was going to be nice. As I lay there, my brain went into overdrive.

This time I wasn't worrying, I was just "pondering" to use a biblical term. As I was thinking deep thoughts, I began to realize that some of the things I'd been wrestling with were lies. Let me give you my list:

Lies I've believed lately (whether for a second, several minutes, several hours, or several days):
1. I'm going to die from Cancer.
2. My husband is not going to love me or be attracted to me any longer once I have my breasts removed.
3. We're going to go bankrupt from massive amounts of medical bills.
4. My life is over and I'll never be the same.

Those are pretty heavy lies to believe but the truth is, they did travel through the recesses of my mind and dug in there for a little while. Some of them lounged around and kicked off their shoes making themselves right at home. Others snuck in through the back door of my mind and stealthily crawled across the floor until they found a good hiding place and quietly rested there. All of them had a good time hanging out with me, tormenting me, stealing my sleep but then...

Last night, after talking with several of my friends, I decided to try some Melatonin. It's a natural hormone that your body makes to help you know when to sleep and when to wake. About half an hour before bed, I took one of those little gems and lay on my bed waiting for the sweet gift of sleep to come.

It came all right! I slept from 11 last night until 7 this morning! That's the first good night's sleep I've had in over a week. I feel refreshed and alive. I feel new and revived! And that led me to do some deep thinking this morning. I knew I had to counter those lies that I'd allowed to take up residence with the truth. As I read my Bible this morning, I received answers that countered those lies.

Truth:
1. While I may ultimately die from Cancer or something related to it, only God knows exactly when and where and how I'm going to die. I'm not going to die one second before He intends me to do so. He has numbered my days.
2. Yes, my physical appearance will be greatly altered and I will have hideous scars but the outside of me doesn't define the inside of me. My husband knows me inside and out. He's seen the "good, the bad, and the ugly" and he loves me inspite of it all. He vowed to love me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," and he meant it. God will help him get through this.
3. We will have many medical bills in the days ahead and they'll keep coming as I go through various treatments, return for checkups, have lab work done, etc. But...God knew way before I ever did that this disease was coming. He is Jehovah Jireh and He will provide. We do have health insurance for which I am very thankful. My husband has a good job and gets a good bit of overtime. God has kept him healthy and strong so he can work to provide for us. God will meet our every need not because we need Him to or want Him to...but because of who He is and because He loves us.
4. Yes, my old life is over. I'm going to have to learn a "new normal." I won't ever be the same and I'm glad. Hopefully, I will be a more compassionate and caring person. Hopefully, I will live in the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll learn to rest and not feel guilty about it.

I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being tired! I'm thankful that after a good night's sleep I was able to see a little more clearly. I'm thankful for my new bed and for my new friend, Melatonin, but most of all, I'm thankful that I have my faith to carry me through this journey. Without God by my side, I don't think I'd make it. God didn't give me something I could handle. He gave me something I simply couldn't have handled without Him.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

Let's get real...

Okay ladies. When I first started writing this blog, I wanted to combine my personal journey through Breast Cancer with my faith. I thought I could have a wonderful ministry tool where I could reach those who might need to know that God is real and that He cares even when we are struggling and going through some horrid disease like Cancer. While that is still my goal, I think I'm going to take a different approach. Instead of making it all neat and tidy and dressed up with pink ribbons (pun intended), I'm going to peel off the layers and let you see me without any protective coverings. If you're ready to continue on my journey with me, keep reading. If not, you'd better jump ship now because the ride's going to get a little bumpy....

From the very moment I heard the words come through the phone receiver, I felt weak in the knees. I couldn't believe my ears as the radiologist said, "I'm sorry to report that you have Cancer." I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and say, "WHAT DID YOU SAY, CAN YOU REPEAT THAT???" but I didn't. I stood there,  in the middle of my living room, all alone, in total silence. I tried the best I could to comprehend what my brain had just received.

It took a little while for me to process. I mulled it over in my mind and thought what I'm sure thousands of women before me have thought...no, not me. Why me? Are they sure? How will I tell my husband? How will I tell the kids? All of those probing, deafening questions pounded my brain and I'm sure I didn't handle them well. In fact, I know I didn't. How would you like to receive a text message that just says "I've got Cancer?" Well, that's exactly what my kids got...a simple but profound statement. I couldn't handle anything more at the time. I knew I needed to tell them face to face but they're all scattered and getting them all together would have been a struggle. I sent a text to my husband as well. He was at work when I got the news and I needed him to know right away. He can't use the phone during work hours so I texted. How cold and callous is that? I guess I could have waited until he got home from work and sat him down and cried and said "honey, our future is about to change. I've just received devastating news..." No. I'm a spur of the moment type of person. I love technology and I wanted to get the word out as quickly as possible. I didn't think how they might react. I wasn't trying to be selfish, I just was trying to be real.

I did the same thing with my Facebook friends. I posted an announcement of sorts letting them all know my dreadful news. I decided selfishly that it would be easier to send out a blanket statement instead of getting in touch with them one by one. It worked. The people who care about me read my post and immediately started to correspond with me. As each message of love and support came through, I tried to respond with more detail.

I just re-read all of my blog posts to date. Wow, I was impressed. They sounded so "together" and so strong. They sounded a little too good to be true, even to me. That's why I want to start over. I want to begin at the beginning. I want to take you on this journey with me as if you're right here beside me. I want you to feel like we're best friends and that we have been best friends for a long, long time. I want to be open and honest with you. I want to cry when I need to and I want you to be the shoulder I cry on. I want to be angry when I feel like it and I want to slam my fist into the wall as I see the startled look on your face. I don't intend to scare you, I just want you to experience the rawness of Cancer. I want you to see and feel what it does to someone who gets it.

It won't be pretty, I can almost guarantee you that. I'm sure some days will be better than others and on the good days, I'll be cheerful and happy and upbeat. I'll focus on what God's doing in my life and how much I'm learning to lean on Him. On the bad days, I might be sad, lonely, or depressed. I might get angry (although I don't usually do that), but I just might. I'll still try to focus on what God's doing but I may have more questions for Him than not.

So let me continue and get you back up to speed. So after I texted my family members and let them know I had Cancer, and after I posted on Facebook that I had Cancer, I went into my bathroom and cried. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. After I calmed down a little, I went into my office and decided to write a few emails, but as I sat at my computer, all I could think about was CANCER. I slid out of the chair and onto the floor. I lay there crying and praying all at the same time. I asked God why I had Cancer...had I done something to cause it? Had I eaten the wrong foods, had I said or done something in my life to deserve this but I knew that God didn't really work that way. I also asked God if it was an answer to a prayer that I had prayed a while back asking Him to restore my extended family and to do whatever it took to make that happen...but He didn't answer. The only thing I heard was silence.

I lay there for a long time. I don't remember how long I lay there but I was tired of crying. So I decided to get up and then something came over me. It was God's peace. I didn't hear an actual voice, but I felt Him speaking to my heart and saying that the reason I got Cancer was for His glory...that's it....just for His glory. I know that sounds so weird to say but it's the truth. I don't understand it any more than you do, but for whatever reason, God's chosen to allow me to have Cancer.

On the way to meet with the surgeon the next day, I got a call from their office. They said the doctor was delayed and that I should wait and come an hour later. I was already on my way, so I kept driving and just decided I'd read a book while waiting in the waiting room. I waited 2 hours for the doctor to arrive and then waited another 30 minutes in the examining room. When she finally came in, she did a quick breast exam and told me that she had to run into the room next door to drain a cyst for another patient. I was a little peaved that she was leaving me after I'd waited so long but I'm a pretty patient person so I waited again. When she came back in, she sat down and talked to me. She talked to me for over 2 hours. She drew diagrams and charts, explained terminology and asked if I had any questions. She answered all of my questions and by the time we were through, I felt like I had a new friend. She was young, 38, and had been doing breast surgeries for 6 years. She had 2 little boys and a wonderful husband. She was funny and caring and attentive. I felt good knowing that she would be doing my surgery.

I drove home and on the way, I thought about everything we'd discussed. I wanted to be sure I kept all the details in order so I could share them with my husband when he came home from work. I had been told that I'd get a call with a surgery date in a day or two.

After supper, I sat with my husband and we cried together. We cried because we don't know what the days ahead will hold. We reaffirmed our love for one another. We remembered our vows "for better or worse, in sickness and in health...til death do us part." We never dreamed that it might come so soon in our lives.

The phone still hasn't rung. No surgery date has been set but I'm expecting that call to come this afternoon. I'm certainly not looking forward to it. I'm scared to death to pick up the phone when I see the doctor's office on the caller ID.  But I will answer it because I'm a planner and I have to plan. I have to figure out a way to fit this surgery into my life.

I just got a Facebook message from a new friend I've made because of Breast Cancer. She's the one who's encouraged me to be real. You see, several years ago, she was given the same exact diagnosis that I received. She's now in the end stages of Cancer...stage 4. She knows that unless God chooses to do an amazing miracle in her life that she's going to die of this disease. She told me that we're not warriors and that we're not in a battle. She said we're just women survivors of a horrible disease. I have used the analogy of war and warriors in my previous blog posts but out of respect for her, I won't do that any longer. She's right you know...we're just women surviving. Cancer just makes things a little more complicated.

Breast Cancer is an unwelcomed guest. It barges into your life without knocking. It storms into your house and raids the refrigerator, smears muddy footprints on your carpet and reeks havoc while you hide behind the counter. It toys with your emotions and wraps tentacles of anguish tightly around you squeezing the air from your lungs. It confuses you, jeers at you and mocks you. It is evil and I hate it.

Do you have a small taste of what Cancer feels like? I hope you do. I hope you never have to experience it first hand. I hope you never have anyone in your family go through it either. I do hope you can get a tiny glimmer of what the world of a Cancer patient is really like and if you think this is difficult, just wait...there's more coming.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

The pink sisterhood

Breast Cancer...they say one in 8 women will get it at some point in their lives. Those aren't good odds in my book because I'm one of the ones that Cancer has chosen. Although I didn't choose this battle, I'm going to fight it with everything in me, and I think that's the attitude most of the women with Cancer  share in today's world.

Isn't it funny how something as devastating as Breast Cancer can unite so many women? Complete strangers feel an automatic bond with one another as the diagnosis of Breast Cancer is shared. I've experienced this over the past few days as first one and then another Breast Cancer patients or survivors contact me through email, my blog, or Facebook. I've been amazed at their generosity and their sweet spirits. They are candid and eager to answer any questions that "newbies" might have, and boy have I given them lots of those! There's a rawness and realness in each of their stories and each of those is very different, but one thing we all share is a warrior spirit. We want to fight. We want to live.


These armies of women are warriors in pink. Many have won their fight and many are still fighting. Some have lost their battle but gave their all during their personal war with Breast Cancer. One thing all of these women share is a zest for life. Their desire to live is strong! They laugh and cry over procedures, reconstructions, and sweet memories. They feel free to talk about things that most women would shy away from but that's the boldness that Cancer affords them, and they deserve that freedom.

We can learn from each other in ways we cannot learn from others. We can support one another in ways that others are not able to support us. We can understand one another in ways no one else can understand. We have a special opportunity to help each other by sharing our common experiences and common load. We empower one another by providing our insight and wisdom, and most importantly, we inspire each other by living full, beautiful lives.

I read this statement about Cancer somewhere... "it’s the best sorority with the worst initiation." When I was in college, I always wanted to be part of a sorority but never had that experience. Now I'm proud to be a new member of the "Pink Sisterhood" a sorority of some of the bravest women I know.

Back in the 70's singer songwriter, Helen Reddy came up with a song entitled "I am Woman." The lyrics are powerful and speak to my heart as I go down this Cancer road. It's comforting to know I'm not on this journey alone...

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

A new perspective

My friends and my family know that I'm a person who is always planning and looking to the future. As soon as one vacation is finished, I'm busy planning the next. I don't know when I started doing this, it just seems I always have looked to the future that is, until last week.

When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I immediately looked at things differently. Cancer changes your perspective on life. Instead of planning long range goals, vacations, trips, and future events you find yourself learning to focus on the moment. When you shift your focus from "then" to "now"...you're able to see a little more clearly.


I'm an avid photographer. I love pulling out my cameras and deciding what the subject of my next photograph will be. I take great care in planning the composition, checking the lighting, and finding the right exposure. I have a specific goal in mind before I even begin to shoot; and I can visualize the outcome of the final print...but the world looks very differently through the lens of Cancer.

Looking through the lens of Cancer, I am forced to view every aspect of life as precious. I no longer take the mundane things of daily life for granted. Every touch, every smile, every call, every visit mean so much more to me now. Why is it that we don't understand the fragility of life until we are faced with our own mortality?

Sometimes we go through life like we have all the time in the world. But what if tomorrow with your loved one isn’t guaranteed? This year I realized how fragile life is. Now I look at every day as a gift. The knowledge of how delicate life is, of how easily life can end, punctuates every aspect of my life. Once it felt like I had all the time in the world to make my dreams come true. Now, I try to live my dreams every day because I don’t know what the future holds.

A diagnosis of a dread disease like cancer can make you realize that there isn’t always plenty of time, that the moments we have with our loved ones are all that we have. Even without Cancer it is easy to feel that there is fragility to our lives. It is rare to find a person who hasn’t lost a close friend or family member to a sudden illness, accident or other unexpected circumstance.

James 4:14 reminds us that we are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes, and that we don’t know what will happen tomorrow. The flimsiness of our lives calls to us to slow down, look around and capture the here-and-now with the people we love. Here are some ways we can make every moment count:

1. Remember life is happening right now.  Life isn’t something that you can press the pause button on; it isn’t something that you can decide to start tomorrow. Right now, whether you like it or not, whether you like your circumstances or the surroundings, your life is happening. You can sit back and watch others live their lives, or you can realize that your life is happening right now, and stand up and say, “Count me in! I want to be part of all the messiness, beauty and flurry of life.”

2. Scratch it off.  One of the best ways to make every moment count is to live the life that you’ve always wanted. So dust off that bucket list, decide which dreams are achievable and just scratch them off.

3. Slow down. It’s easy to think that embracing life and making the most of every minute means you need to do a lot of stuff. That’s not true. Often focusing on the simple, ordinary things that you love is the best way to make the most of your time.

4. Make time. Make spending time with your loved one a priority, you will never regret it. In life you will be able to make more money, but no matter what you do, you can never make more time.

5. Laugh often. Realizing that your time with loved ones may be short can be stressful so learn to laugh at the little things. Laughter is good medicine!

6. Enjoy what you do. It is a reality of life that you don’t get to do everything that you want, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t fully enjoy what you do get to do.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

¹⁴ Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air]. James 4:14 Amplified Bible

 

Out of control

A 2013 movie entitled Gravity captivated audiences with its stunning realism. In the movie, the crew of the Space Shuttle Explorer is working on an important mission. The mission commander, played by actor George Clooney, and a medical engineer, played by actress Sandra Bullock, are on a space walk when they learn from Houston control that an explosion has just occurred at a Russian satellite. Before the crew can do anything about it, the explosion debris comes hurtling toward their craft, irreparably damaging the shuttle and station, immediately killing all the crew except for the characters played by Clooney and Bullock.They instantly have lost control with Houston and are left in a precarious position. Sandra Bullock is untethered with quickly decreasing oxygen on her person meaning that George Clooney has to retrieve her quickly if she has any chance of survival. Even if he can retrieve her and get her some oxygen, they have the difficult task of trying to get to another satellite and from there travel ultimately back to Earth. Through the process, they are often on their own leading to an extreme feeling of isolation. This causes each of them to ask individual questions and make ultimate decisions about their own mortality. Alone and helpless...totally out of control!

Can you imagine having absolutely no control over a situation in which you find yourself? That's exactly how I feel right now. Cancer has claimed part of my body and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't make it go away. I can't remove it on my own. I have no control. Just like the astronauts in the movie, Gravity, I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm powerless to stop it. It's almost as if my body has allowed the alien invader Cancer to take over control central. Not only do I feel physically out of control right now, I also feel overwhelmed by medical bills already filling my mailbox. It seems that this is just the beginning of a massive amount of unpredictable, uncontrollable physical and financial woes.

Watching the movie, Gravity, I could almost feel the air being sucked out of my lungs as Sandra Bullock struggles to breathe in her space suit. She gasps for air realizing that she's untethered and the air supply is nonexistent. That's exactly the way I felt when the radiologist told me over the phone that I had Cancer. I felt like I was suffocating...immediate loss of oxygen...like I was about to pass out. I was spinning out of control.

Sandra Bullock does survive. Even though she goes through one devastating experience after another, Sandra realizes she is powerless to change her situation. She finally resigns herself to whatever fate  befalls her. As the movie winds down, the radio crackles with traffic from Mission Control. They've been tracking the capsule, and tell her that rescue is on its way. The chute on the capsule automatically deploys and Bullock lands in a lake near the shore. The cabin fills with smoke, and after she blows the hatch the capsule tilts, allowing water to enter. Just when she thought she was safe, she's unable to exit. The capsule sinks to the bottom with her inside. Miraculously, Bullock finds a bubble of air inside the capsule and exits. She sheds her spacesuit, swims to shore, and takes a few wobbly steps...She's alive and she's survived!

The realization that I have absolutely no control over my current situation is daunting. It's frightening and often consumes my every thought. But I was reminded today, that God never loses control. He is omnipotent...all powerful. Forgive me, Lord, when I panic over matters I can't control. Please help me know how to accept this situation and move forward. Thank you that although I feel like I can't breathe and like I'm spinning out of control that you are fixed and unmovable. You are my firm foundation and my lifeline. You know my comings and my goings. Keep me grounded, Lord, in the days ahead when everything spins wildly around me. Fix my eyes on You and help me keep my bearings. Whatever path You've chosen for me at this time in my life, I will travel knowing that you never leave me abandoned or alone. Thank you, Father, that I can cling to you. You are the ultimate life support and I really do want to survive and not only survive, I want to thrive.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved