You really can't afford to have cancer!

Another email notification... I've got a new EOB (that's insurance lingo for an explanation of benefits.) Oh joy, I think, as I open the email and click on the link. Instantly, I'm transported to my insurance portal. I open the EOB and gasp! $10,221.00 for a PET scan! Oh my! As my heart jumps into my throat, I realize two very important things:

1. Cancer is expensive!
2. Thank God we have insurance!

And while I'm so very thankful we have good insurance, we still have pay our 20% along with our annual deductible...which adds up to a really big chunk of change.

Out of curiosity, I pulled up all of the EOBs since I was diagnosed last June. The grand total (insert your own drumroll here) to date is $79,527.02! That's a whopping amount of medical charges and that's not all inclusive. That total doesn't include medications or incidental expenses. 20% of $79,527.02 is $15,905.40! And when you're living on one income (of well under $40,000 a year) things are pretty tight. So what do you do?

Catastrophic illnesses are never planned...they usually sneak up on you and rear their ugly heads when least expected. Many people lose their entire life savings over one devastating illness and others either go into huge amounts of debt or even face bankruptcy. And who needs the trauma of a mountain of medical debt on top of a debilitating illness...no one!

So what's a person to do? Many hospitals offer assistance for medical tests that cost exorbitant amounts but knowing who to contact for help is another story. The financial office doesn't readily make these programs known. It's up to the patient to ask about them. Some programs are based on income and others are solely based on need.

I'm sad to say my medical expenses, as they relate to cancer, are far from over. Every few months I have a visit scheduled with some sort of "-ologist" and many tests and scans are down the road. I can't spend all my time focusing on the financial end of things because if I did, I'm make myself a nervous wreck. All I can do is trust that God will provide. He always has and I know, He always will.

It could be worse! We could have no insurance whatsoever and be at risk of losing our home. I could be dead! I know that was a silly statement, but it's true! I'm thankful to be alive and doing well for the moment.

Yes, we have a mountain of medical bills and I don't know how we're going to pay our part but that's okay. I know God's got this! He cares about every single thing that affects our lives, even medical bills.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Practical love

Standing in the bathroom, I pulled out the hair dryer and began to dry my sopping wet hair. We had company coming and I was hurrying to get ready. For me, it's a chore to dry my hair. I don't have a lot of hair, and it isn't long...that's not the problem at all. My problem lies in my swollen arms. Even at this early hour, the Lymphedema makes little things challenging.

"Let me do it, " my husband said as he walked up behind me and took the hair dryer from me. He had seen me struggling. As his big, manly hands took control of the hot pink hair dryer, I looked up at him and smiled. Here was my 6 foot 4 husband playing hair stylist. He'd never done this before in over 22 years of marriage, but he knew there was a need and his love prompted him to act. 

I love it when God shows up during acts of practical love! As my husband was blowing my hair around, I didn't have the heart to tell him I usually styled my hair with a round brush while drying it. I was just so overwhelmed that he actually wanted to help me that I didn't care one tiny bit how he was doing it. I watched him in the mirror as he continued to shake my hair with one hand, moving the strands around gently, as he blew with the other. The determination on his face was priceless. I could almost see the love pouring out of him.

When he was through, he looked at my hair and asked if it was okay. I looked up at him and grinned. He'd done a perfect job! No, my hair wasn't styled like I usually style it, but that's okay. What mattered more was the love that gone into that styling job! If I'd gone to a salon for a blow out, they would have charged $20! No amount of money on earth could have bought the tender love and affection my husband had put into this fifteen minute time slot. 

He walked back into the living room to watch his television show and left me standing there in front of the mirror. As I looked at my reflection, tears welled up in my eyes. How many men would have taken time to notice their wife was having difficulty doing such a simple task as drying their hair? I bet not many, but since my surgery and my problems with Lymphedema, my sweet husband has become my knight in shining armor. There's no task too small in his eyes. Whatever he can do to help, he does. And the things he does...he does purely out of love. A real practical, everyday love for me. 

I am so blessed! My hot pink hair dryer sits in the caddy on the bathroom counter now. It's quiet and cool just waiting for the next blow dry opportunity to come along. I know it won't always happen, but whenever my adoring husband offers to dry my hair again, I'm going to let him. It felt pretty good to be pampered today and it felt even better to feel so very loved. 

My arms thanked him because they were so swollen and made movement difficult. Sure, I could have pushed through the pain and gone ahead and dried my hair like I always do, but today, I let love take over. Practical love. 

We all have opportunities to show our love to each other in practical ways. Have you looked for a way to step in and bless someone you love? You never know when the opportunity will present itself and when it does, you have to be ready...listen for that little God whisper that says "why don't you _________ and show _______ your love for him/her right now? That little nudge may be all it takes to present love in a practical way and it will affect the recipient as much or more than it affects you, I promise!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Prayers for healing answered!

Me inside the PET scan machine

This morning I was on the phone with one of my daughters and noticed another call coming in. The caller I.D. told me it was Dr. S, my radiation oncologist. Hurriedly, I got off the phone with my daughter and switched over to take the other call. Robin, the nurse at the oncology clinic, told me she had the results of the PET scan I had done yesterday. It was really funny, I didn't feel myself automatically brace for bad news like I would have done in the past. I listened intently as she told me the PET scan showed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I made her repeat herself to make sure I'd heard her clearly. I questioned her, "Nothing...what about the mass on the L-5 vertebrae that the MRI picked up. Dr. S told me she'd had 2 other radiologists read the report too and they'd all concurred that it was suspicious." "Nothing," said Robin, "absolutely nothing!" I was ecstatic!!!! God had given me a MIRACLE!

If you tell someone you've received a miracle, instantly they look at you like you're crazy! It's hard for some people to understand and accept the fact that God is still a God of miracles. There are those who believe that yes, God performed miracles back in Bible times, but surely not today...why not? Why can't they believe it? God says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He says He doesn't change. So, that tells me, if He performed miracles in Biblical times, He performs them today. 

Now the Bible says, Faith is the evidence of things not seen and I have chosen to live my life walking by faith. God has proved to me over and over again that He is trustworthy. He understands and knows every single aspect of my life and He really cares. It's not hard to walk by faith when you have clear evidence that you can trust God. Those who haven't experienced that kind of track record aren't so easy to teach the concept of faith.

When my family and friends began praying for me yesterday, why would I not expect to receive good results? The Bible says, the prayers of a righteous man availeth much. And it didn't even matter how many people were praying (although I think I had a small army lined up). It wouldn't have mattered if only one was praying and if that one person had been me. The Bible tells me that God hears our prayers and He answers them according to His will. 

I can only imagine the stunned look on the doctor's face as she read the radiology report from the PET scan. She had seen, with her own two eyes, the mass on the L-5 vertebrae last week. She'd even been so concerned over it, that she'd called in 2 other doctors to review the film. 3 doctors had seen the mass and called it suspicious...NOW IT WAS COMPLETELY GONE!!!  That was God. It couldn't have been anything else. Some folks might say, oh, there must have been some logical reason behind it. Maybe it was a smudge on the viewing box or maybe it was something that dissolved on its own. I don't think so. I believe in miracles.

It's been hard getting some of my family members to understand the reasoning behind my choosing not to take the prescribed anti-hormone therapy medication. But, as I've said in the past, I prayed about it and I felt a complete peace and assurance at my decision. I chose to go the natural route and enjoy a good quality of life that includes being free from cancer. Some of them just don't understand and want me to immediately start taking the medication now. They say I've just been lucky so far, that I've just "dodged a bullet" this time around but I don't believe in luck. Why should I take chemicals that will poison my body and make me feel terrible?

As I was praising and thanking God this morning for this wonderful news, He pointed me to Psalm 66:10 which says "For You, O God, have proved us; You have tried us as silver is tried, refined,and purified." I firmly believe God has used this cancer ordeal, over the last year, to refine me and make me more Christlike. I have learned so much from going through the fiery ordeal of cancer. If you've read my blog since it's inception, you're familiar with my feelings on this, but if you haven't...all I can say is cancer has been a blessing. I don't say that flippantly! Last year was the hardest year of my life but, I can say it has been a blessing because of all the things it's taught me. Even if I could, I would not have changed one thing because, the lessons I learned from going through all the pain and suffering I experienced were worth it. And it's still not over. I still experience daily pain as a result from the surgery, but I fight through it in His strength. 

God used the fire of cancer to heat up my life and cause the ugly impurities to rise to the surface where He could scoop them off and away from my life. What many thought was a broken and bruised incomplete woman has turned into a more deliberate, more intentional, woman of God. Not many get to experience such loving tenderness from God but I am so very thankful He chose me to refine and purify. 

Oh yes, the process hurt...more than you'll ever know but oh, how loving and kind God was to me during this time. He drew me closer and closer to Him. He taught me to lean into Him and to rest assuredly on Him in all things. He taught me that He can use ugliness and make it beautiful. He can take brokenness and make it whole again. He uses all things for His purposes. 

If you know me, you know I'm very visual, so right now, I'd like to take you through a portion of one of my earlier blog posts. In that post, I wrote about the art of Kintsugi. It's a Japanese art form but I think it's relevant for my post today, too. Here's an excerpt: (You can read it in its entirety here if you'd like to do so.)

There's an ancient Japanese story that tells about a Sakai tea man who found a brilliant Chinese tea jar. He was so pleased with his find that he invited the famed tea man Sen no Rikyu to a gathering of friends to show off the beautiful piece. But to the Sakai man’s amazement, when he served tea in the lovely piece, Sen no Rikyu paid no mind to the jar. Once Sen no Rikyu left, the Sakai man threw the tea jar against a wall, shattering it into pieces. His friends gathered the fragments and took them home where they mended the jar back together with gold lacquer. The same friends then invited Sen no Rikyu to a gathering of their own where they offered him tea in the mended jar. When Rikyu saw the mended tea jar he exclaimed, “Now the piece is magnificent!” 

Some link this story to the birth of “kintsugi”, an ancient Japanese art which translates, “patch with gold.” Kintsugi artists mend broken pieces of ceramics and pottery using gold lacquer, making the pieces more striking and unique than when they were pulled from the wheel or kiln. In a modern culture that often grades wholeness through the lens of perfection, Kintsugi offers a different perspective.

The art of Kintsugi rests in the truth that vessels are stronger and more magnificent because they have been made whole from brokenness, not because they are without imperfection. Each vessel—and every one of our lives—can tell a unique story if we no longer feel we must hide the scarred parts of our lives. “We want to be restored to health, but we don’t simply want what we once were. We want to be better, stronger, wiser for the pain, struggle, and sacrifice.”

Isn’t this the wholeness that we truly seek? We want to be restored to health, but we don’t simply want what we once were. We want to be better, stronger, wiser for the pain, struggle, and sacrifice. We want our scars to shimmer like gold and tell a beautiful story: namely, that what is broken can be whole again, and more beautiful than before. 

That broken vase, the art of Kintsugi, my scars from surgery...all of those tie in together. Breaking isn't something we ever intend to have happen but sometimes, it just does. We can let the brokenness make us bitter or make us better. We can throw away the chipped pieces or gently try to repair them. It's our choice. If we choose to fit the pieces back together again, the scars become part of the beautiful story of a damaged but restored life. This is where I am now. My body has been broken and while I can't fit the pieces back together again, I can allow the scars to be a precious reminder of everything I've been through. They can be a constant reminder that I am still living....that I am still fighting...that I am so blessed. 

So you see, God used the ugly, brokenness of breast cancer to show me His love for me. He used it to refine me and remove things in my life that didn't need to be there. He used it to teach me more about loving others. And that is why I am so grateful He chose to give me complete healing! What a wonderful picture of His love for me! He loved me so much that He cleansed me from the damaged cancer cells that had invaded my body and made it whole again!

Yes, I still have scars from the painful surgery I went through but they are battle scars! The victory has been won! Christ won it for me at Calvary when He took my sins and bore them on the cross. My small suffering, my pain, pale in comparison to what He did for me there. 

Oh, dear reader! Can you see it? Can you feel it? Can you understand the overwhelming joy He's given me? I hope you've been able to feel just a tiny bit of what I've tried to convey. Remember those few paragraphs above that talked about the art of Kintsugi? The brokenness of my life has been woven back together by the beautiful golden thread of God's love. I am whole again. If you look closely, you can see the broken places, but focus more intently and your eyes drift immediately to the brilliant gold of His grace. 

Won't you celebrate with me today? I'm so overjoyed that I'm dancing! In Ecclesiastes, the Bible tells us there is a time to dance! Believe me, that day, for me, is today!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved 

PET SCAN

Today, I had my very first P.E.T. scan. I was nervous about it because I didn't know what to expect. As always, when I don't have all the information I need, I GOOGLE.

Google says: A positron emission tomography (PET) scan is an imaging test that allows doctors to check for disease in your body. The scan uses radioactive tracers in a special dye. These tracers are injected into a vein in your arm and are then absorbed by your organs and tissues. When highlighted under a PET scanner, the tracers allow doctors to see how well your organs and tissues are working. The PET scan is able to measure blood flow, oxygen use, glucose metabolism (how your body uses sugar), and much more.

My sweet Laura had come over last night with Heather. Since my appointment was for 10:00 a.m. she figured it would be wise to come spend the night so we could get up early and make the appointment on time. I know it's a huge sacrifice for Laura to pack up all of Heather's things and come over here. It disrupts their schedule and their family time, but never once has Laura complained. She's a real trooper.

We got up early this morning, showered, and they had breakfast. I was instructed not to eat anything before the test. I hadn't had anything since last night at 6 p.m. when I drank a protein shake and I was famished, but I knew if I broke even one of the rules that had been given to me in preparation for the test, I'd be back at square one.

About 9:15 a.m. Laura began loading up the car. She had to transfer Heather's car seat into my car and make sure it was in securely. Finally we got on the road and headed toward Sharpsburg. When we arrived at the Piedmont Medical building, I checked in and began filling out paperwork.

Soon a nurse called me back and Laura took Heather to do a little shopping while they waited on me. I had to have my finger pricked so they could check my blood glucose level. If it was too high, they wouldn't be able to administer the test. Mine was fine and I was told I'd get the radioactive glucose formula in a few minutes.

Another nurse came down the hall wearing a lead shield. She was pushing a small table with a lead cylinder on it. When she stopped in front of the lab, she careful opened the lead cylinder and removed the radioactive infusion. It was so strange...like something out of a Sci-Fi movie, an antidote for some deadly disease.

The lab nurse found a vein in my arm and inserted a saline flush. After the saline had flushed freely through the vein, she inserted the radioactive material. While she was doing it, she said, "now don't you worry. This won't make you feel differently at all." So I took her at her word and just relaxed. When she was done, the nurse led me to a "quiet room."

The quiet room was a very small room with a recliner, a small lamp, and a call button in it. The nurse helped me into the recliner and adjusted my feet and head the way I wanted them then brought in a heated blanket. She told me I'd have to sit there for 45 minutes and while I was sitting, I wasn't supposed to do a thing. Well...I cheated. I couldn't help but slip out my cell phone and take my very first radioactive selfie shot!

I sat there for what seemed to be hours and counting holes in the ceiling tiles, noted the paint color, the number of receptacles on the wall...I did any and everything to be still and quiet. I was so thankful when a knock came at the door and I was told they were ready for me.

A young nurse named Jennifer took me down the hall to the imaging room. She helped me get positioned on the table and put a wedge under my knees. She explained the PET scan would last about 30 minutes and I would need to stay as still as possible. It was freezing in the room and I told the nurse I didn't think I could stay still because when I'm cold, my teeth chatter and my legs shake.  She went to the warmer and pulled out 2 heated blankets and put them on me. Ahhhhh! It felt so good.

Lying on the table, I was thankful Dr. S had prescribed those anti-anxiety pills for me. Even though the opening on the PET scan wasn't as small as the one on the MRI, I felt anxious about being put inside it. As the table began to move forward, the nurse slipped into a glass booth just off the side of the room. She told me to call out if I needed anything.

I could barely hear a slight whirring sound as the table moved slowly into the machine for scanning. I noticed it paused on one area for a little while and then the table would  move forward again about another foot or so and the same process would be repeated. This was done down the entire length of my body.

Scan's all done!

When the test was over, the table slid out of the machine and a nurse was there to help me up. I asked her if she'd mind taking a photo of me because I was trying to document my entire journey. She laughed and said she'd be glad to do it. I asked her when she thought I'd hear back from the doctor and she said it would probably be tomorrow. I'm anxious to know the results of the test. I've had all my friends praying for me so I'm really hoping for some good news.

On the way home from the medical center. I had to stay away from Heather. She's only 2 and she doesn't need to be exposed to radiation. When we got inside the house and were ready to each lunch, I went into the formal dining room and let them eat in the kitchen. The nurse had warned me to stay away from small children for the next 24 hours because I'll still be radioactive. I hated that because I usually hug my little Heatherbug goodbye. This time, all I got to do was wave to her.

I'm so thankful for Laura's sweet spirit and her willingness to help in any way she can. She has such a huge servant's heart. I'm also thankful for all my friends who have committed to pray for me. I really could feel their prayers today. It was as if there was a sweet peace surrounding me all day long and I know that was from all the prayers going up for me.

I know God has something in store for me. The Bible tells me He does:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Now all I can do is wait and see what it is!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Talley Ho! Onward we go!

Anyone who's known me long enough knows I love profound quotations. I'm always looking for good ones to store in my memory bank. I find them from well loved and well known people. I gather them from books and movies and sometimes, even from conversations I hear. This one was perfect for today:

“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all!
Go sideways? Impossible!
Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!"
So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and
one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”
- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Oh I wish I could just shut my brain off sometimes! It never seems to want to stop processing things even when I lie down to go to sleep...there's a steady stream of thought that continually flows. I've tried for years to turn off my brain so I could get a good night's sleep but most night's it just doesn't happen. Like a leaky faucet, the thoughts slip out one by one. Just the other day I was thinking about all I've been through over the past year and as I was thinking, I really wanted to go back to the way my life was before I was diagnosed with cancer...I mean really! Who wouldn't want that? Before cancer, I had a great life! Oh sure, I had my little aches and pains now and then, but nothing major. Things were rolling along just fine and I was happy. I took a lot for granted back then and didn't even realize it. But today, well, that's a whole other story.

Pain is a great teacher and you can learn a lot from suffering. I'll be honest, I've suffered a great deal over this past year. But in that suffering, I have learned so much and for that I am grateful. God has used the suffering to teach me trust and patience. It hasn't been easy. In fact, there have been some days when I just didn't want to go on at all. This quotation by Charles Dickens says it so well:

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching,
and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be.
I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Even though my body has been broken, I am a much stronger person than I was before. I have a greater resolve and minor things that used to affect me profoundly, don't bother me at all. I would have to say cancer has taught me well.

I thought my journey was winding down and I was coming to a stopping point, but that was before I received the MRI results. I didn't expect anything to show up but it did. It scared me when the doctor told me she'd had 2 other radiologists look at it with her to confirm their suspicions. And now, a PET scan looms over me. Tomorrow is the day. 

As I contemplate what lies before me, I can't help but think of all the possibilities. Today, I am preparing for the scan  and tomorrow morning, I'll be there bright to become radioactive once again. When the nurse called from Piedmont to confirm my appointment, she gave instructions for me to eat a low carb diet today and told me not to do any strenuous activity. That was all she said and I didn't think to ask why before hanging up with her, so today, I got on the internet...you can find answers to just about any question you have on the internet, and I looked up how to prepare for a PET scan. 

It seems before the scan a radioactive tracer is fed into the vein by way of a glucose based serum. As I was reading, it made a little more sense as to why I'd need to be on a low carb diet the day before the test. Carbohydrates turn into sugar in the body and in order to process them, the body has to release insulin. If you're being fed a glucose based serum, having too many carbs in your body could send your blood sugar sky high and that would cause a big problem. I never could find a reason for the low activity level but I assume it has something to do with the glucose/insulin release in the body too. 

While I'm glad my doctor has ordered the PET scan, I'm hesitant to find out the results. I was told last week, after an MRI on my spine, that a new mass had been discovered at the L5 vertebrae. The PET scan is supposed to illuminate any other potential problems in my body. I'm hoping there are no other areas of cancer. I don't want to borrow trouble, but I'm a practical person. I like to prepare for things ahead of time. 

What will I do if the mass on my spine turns out to be cancer? Will they want to do surgery to remove it? Will they suggest chemo or radiation to obliterate it? What will I do if there are more cancerous lesions in my body? Will I be able to handle the news? 

There are so many unknowns and those are the things my mind keeps trying to process, but I know I'm not supposed to worry. Here's a wonderful quotation that I've committed to memory. This quotation is not only a quote, it's also a command from God.

"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 The Holy Bible

So  I guess I just need to press on! Talley ho, as they say!  I love that saying. Did you know it dates from around 1772, and is probably derived from the French word "taïaut," a cry used to excite hounds when hunting deer. From sources from the second half of the 13th century, it is from the concatenation of two words forming a war cry : taille haut. "Taille" being the edge of the sword et "haut" translating to high, the original meaning of this interjection is something close to "High the edges of your blades." How appropriate as I prepare for battle again. 

Onward I go, once more into battle. This cancer battle never seems to end. I'll face whatever tomorrow brings in the strength of the Lord. 

Yes, sometimes I wish I could go back in time to my life before I was diagnosed but then again, so much has changed. This quote by Lewis Carroll explains it well:

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." - Alice from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Detours, Dead Ends, and Dry Holes

In the wee hours of the morning, I find the house completely quiet. In the darkness, I fumble for my cell phone. I keep it in the drawer of my bedside table. I slip it underneath the covers while I turn it on, I know the illumination from the phone would blind my eyes at this hour. As I wait for the phone to power up, I whisper a silent prayer..."God, what do you want to speak to my heart today?"

My phone is ready, so I move the sliders to decrease the brightness and sound. On my home screen, I have the Daily Bible App. I click on it and click on the Devotions tab, then I scroll through the various devotions until I find "Love Worth Finding" by Adrian Rogers. Although he passed away in 2005, this wonderful Southern Baptist pastor has always been one of my favorites.

I search through a list of his devotions and stop on the one I feel God leading me to choose. The devotion is titled "Detours, Dead Ends, and Dry Holes." The focal passages for this devotion are found in Exodus 13, 14, and 15. Pulling the comforter up just a little, I snuggle in to listen.

The past few days have been difficult. I can't help but think of them as the sermon plays on. Though I try to listen intently, I find my mind wandering to the results of my MRI. I wasn't expecting anything to be found and yet, it was. Dr. Rogers is talking about Moses leading the Israelites through the Wilderness. In my mind, I get a visual of them wandering. God didn't take them on the short route. He took them the looooong way around. They wandered for 40 years! I listen as he tells about God providing the pillar of cloud to guide them by day and the pillar of fire to guide them by night, a very familiar passage to me. A tiny thought pops into my mind...my life seems to parallel this sermon. I've felt like I've been wandering lately, wondering what God's up to in my life.

As the sermon continues, Dr. Rogers points out that God's purpose for taking the Israelites on this huge detour is to allow them to go through a kind of holy boot camp. God uses the long period of time they spend not knowing where they are going to teach them to trust. In my spirit, I get a check...yes, God. I heard that.

Breast cancer doesn't really compare to the type of trials the Israelites faced, but for me, it's been a huge test of faith. Last year, I was deep into the wandering stage as I went from one doctor to the next, test after test, surgery, and then recovery. I thought I was coming down the home stretch. The past couple of months have been a little easier and then, BAM! The unexpected happens...another suspicious mass spotted on my spine...

I realized the more I listen to Dr. Rogers speak that God hand selected this message for me. Now I am visualizing the Israelites with the Egyptians hot on their heels as they come closer and closer to the Red Sea. I can just imagine their fear, they see the angry soldiers behind them and the raging sea ahead of them...it seems to be a dead end, but is it? When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, immediately I thought I'd been given a death sentence...a dead end...the point of no return. I was sure I was going to die. I'm sure the Israelites felt the same way - the spears behind them and the sea ahead...a painful death either way! But wait! What did God say? He told the Israelites to:
1. Fear not
2. Be Still
3. Know that I am God
4. See the salvation of the Lord
Okay...so, even though it seemed like a hopeless dead end, God let them know He was still in charge. He wasn't freaked out...everything was going according to His plan. Bonnie, did you hear that? Yes, Lord...I heard. Even though my MRI looks scary and sounds even scarier, I still believe You want me to trust You and not be afraid. You want me to remember that YOU ARE GOD and YOU have a plan.

So why did God put the Israelites through the wanderings? Why did he let them experience fear? He needed to humble them and test them...He needed to prove what was in their hearts. He wanted them to understand who He was and how little their faith was. Again, God pricked my heart...I'm allowing you to go through these medical issues to test your faith too, Bonnie, I felt Him quietly speak to my spirit.

Well, the clock on my dresser showed an hour had passed. I knew the sermon would be ending soon. Adrian was winding it up when he finished the story...the Israelites crossed the Red Sea by God's providential hand and then they came to the land of Mara and found a dry hole...no water to drink because the water was bitter. They began to murmur among themselves and complain to Moses. Moses in turn began to pray and seek God. And do you know what, even while Moses was praying, God's provision was there...God showed Moses a tree that, when cast into the water, would make the water sweet and drinkable. Another prick...even though the MRI shows something suspicious, don't give up hope! I've already made provision, I heard God whisper.

When the sermon stopped, I turned off my cell phone. Lying in bed, I began to drink in all that I'd heard. It was as if I'd tasted my first handful of sweet water. I could feel it, cool upon my tongue. Why had they doubted? The Israelites had just been set free from the Egyptians. God had brought them out of bondage and was leading them to a beautiful oasis but they couldn't see it because it was just over the hill....

Whether the PET scan shows cancer or not, I know God has a purpose and a plan for me. Either way, I'm going to remember not to be afraid. I'm going to hear God tell me to be still and know that He is God and as I put all of my faith in Him, I know He's going to do something amazing!

Yep. Breast cancer was definitely a big detour in my life. It's taken me down roads I never wanted to travel. I've come to some big obstructions that seemed like insurmountable dead ends, but God has been faithful. He's never left me beside a dry place. He's been right by my side guiding me.

Thank you, Lord, that a sermon recorded years ago was fresh and new and just what I needed to hear today. I still don't know where You're taking me or how You're going to take me there, but that's okay. I trust You enough for the next step.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The Unexpected

The pain in my spine prompted the Radiation Oncologist to order a complete spinal MRI which revealed a mass at L5. Next week, I'm scheduled for a PET scan. Now, I could choose to look at this from the perspective that most folks would, the practical, in your face, way...oh no, there's a mass at L5! Has the cancer metastasized? Or...I could choose to look at it the way a person of faith would, hmmm...the pain I was having in my back got so uncomfortable that I mentioned it to my doctor, who in turn, decided to be proactive and ordered an MRI of my full spine. The results of that test, while not what I expected, revealed several things...degenerative disk disease, a couple of bulging disks and something suspicious at L5. The L5 problem might never have been discovered had I not had pain in my upper back so I have to be thankful God allowed me to have the pain. No, I don't understand it and I certainly didn't expect to hear that anything showed up on the MRI report, but I'm thankful it did.

Two Radiologists read the MRI report and both of them concurred. One of them wanted to biopsy it but felt it was too dangerous to attempt. I've prayed about all of this and I've asked God to take complete control...so even if I find out the cancer has spread, I have to continue to trust that He knows what He's doing in allowing it to progress.

I have a large vinyl wall graphic up in one of my guest bedrooms. It says, "When you can't see God's hand, Trust His heart." It's so hard to trust what you can't see, isn't it? It's really hard for a visual person like me, but...God has an excellent track record and I've learned through my life that He is trustworthy. It takes great effort to trust what you can't see but it's doable and the results are in His hands.

The human side of me admits that I'm scared. I watched as my aunt died from breast cancer that metastasized into her bones. She was in a tremendous amount of constant pain. I remember visiting her in hospice, during her last days, and she told me to be sure and love others. Even in her terrible pain, she wanted to impart that knowledge. I prayed that day and asked God to never let me experience her type of pain, that deep, down, in the bone, pain. I didn't think I could ever bear it but could I?

The Bible tells me that by His stripes, we are healed. Jesus bore more pain than we could ever imagine when he took all of our sins, past, present, and future upon Himself at the cross. If He chooses this road for me, I have to trust He'll equip me to walk it, even though I don't want to...

© bonnie annis all rights reserved