The last day of 2014, a time of reflection

Another year draws to a close and today I will spend the day reflecting. This year has been filled with change and many unexpected events. It's been filled with difficulties but along with the hard times came times of great blessing. 

In January, my husband and I began thinking seriously about putting our house on the market. We'd lived there for over 21 years. The house was too big for just the two of us and we needed to live a little closer to my husband's workplace. His company had moved 2 years prior forcing him to drive a 100 mile round trip daily just to get to work and home again. The wear and tear on our vehicles was rough but the mental wear and tear on my husband was even rougher. Driving in Atlanta traffic for just a few minutes is enough to drive anyone mad...can you imagine having to be in it for an hour each morning and then another hour during rush hour in the evening? It was total insanity. 

Our home was built in 1973, so needless to say, it wasn't very modern. There was oak paneling in the family room, hardwood floors throughout, 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a full finished basement, screened porch and deck but all of it was very dated. We'd done our best to remodel and revamp, but still we had no idea that anyone would want a home built in the 70's. We began painting and replacing flooring. We walked through the house thinking "what would I change if I were looking at this house as a perspective buyer?" Every thing we noticed and thought needed changing got changed. 

In February, toward the end of the month, we decided it was time to put the house on the market. We contacted a real estate agent and had her come and walk through the house. We asked her advice on a listing price and whether or not she thought the house would sell. She assured us it was a "buyer's market" and she was sure the house would sell quickly. We had no idea how quickly it would sell. 

We had the house on the market for 2 days before we had a contract on it. God knew it was the perfect time and He answered our prayers to send the "right people" to buy our home. We were dumbfounded that it happened so quickly. We were even more amazed when the buyers did not ask for any major repairs or renovations. They loved the house exactly as it was at the time. Of course, we were asked to do some small upgrades like installing GFCI receptacles in kitchen and bathrooms and a few other things, but nothing major. 

With the house under contract, we began frantically looking for a new home in the area where my husband worked. At the time we were looking, there was NOTHING for sale. We waited a week and tried again. This time we found a few homes on the market that were currently occupied. We looked and looked but couldn't find anything that met our needs. Finally, the first week of March, we found a new build that had just been completed and immediately put a contract on it. We got our contract in just minutes before another couple tried...we knew that was God's perfect timing once again.

Packing up 21 years of stuff in less than a month was a huge feat. I began going through every single room, drawer by drawer, and reevaluating material possessions. I began donating and giving away things we no longer felt we needed. I was able to cut our possessions in half. I packed like a mad woman and had boxes along one wall of each room in the house, trying to make it easy on the movers. We gave and gave and gave until we had nothing left to give. Our neighbors received the blessings with happy smiles and thankful hearts.

One day, during an early morning shower, in March, I felt a hard mass in my right breast as I was soaping up. I regularly got yearly mammograms but never did breast self exams so I was shocked to actually feel something. I didn't give it too much thought in the days that passed since I was focused on packing and preparing for our move. About a week later, I mentioned to my husband that I'd found "something" in my breast. I let him feel it and he said, "you'd better get that checked out." I made a mental note to do that. 

We closed on our house and moved in by the end of March. It was exciting to be starting our new, "downsized" life. My daughters helped us unpack and get everything neatly arranged and organized and soon, we were feeling at home in our new place. It took some time to get used to our new surroundings...finding new grocery stores, finding new shopping malls, just learning our way around, but things fell into place. God gave us a peace that this is where He wanted us to be.

One day, mid April, I heard this nagging voice inside my head reminding me that I needed to get that mass in my breast checked out. I didn't know any doctors in this new city. I didn't know anyone at all other than my husband. I got on the internet and began doing a search. Finally I found a doctor fairly close by and set up an appointment. One of my daughters agreed to go with me to the appointment, she knew I was very afraid. 

The appointment date was for May 27. When I went in to see the new doc, even before she examined me, I had a gut feeling it was cancer. Upon palpitation, the doctor said it felt like a fluid filled cyst and that I shouldn't be too worried but she wanted to check it out anyway. She scheduled me for a diagnostic mammogram the very next day. On May 28, I had 2 diagnostic mammograms done as well as an ultrasound. The radiologist didn't like what he saw and told me I needed to have the mass biopsied. 

June 2, I went to the medical center for a core needle biopsy. Again, my precious daughter was with me for moral support. It was a painful procedure and I was really scared. On Thursday, June 5, at 4:25 in the afternoon, I got the dreaded call that informed me I indeed had breast cancer. At that very moment, I felt like I was on the outside looking in at someone else's life. I never, in a million years, dreamed that I would have cancer although I knew in my heart, on the day I first felt it, that it was true. On June 11, I met with the breast surgeon to discuss my options and after meeting with her, decided to have a bilateral mastectomy performed. God gave me such a peace that day. I've never felt anything like it before but I just knew that everything was going to be okay.

July 3, I had to go to the hospital for pre-operative procedures and on July 8, I had to return for dye injections that would illuminate the "hot spots" in any lymph nodes near my breasts. The evening of the 8th, I became very sad and tearful. My whole world was about to change. On July 9th, I went in for surgery and cancer marked me forever.  Recovery was very difficult and the first few weeks were the most painful. It was a challenge to daily strip and drain the bulbs that had been inserted at the surgical wound sites. Thankfully, my husband and two of my girls helped me get through it. God provided 3 new friends for me during the next two weeks. One of them I met through a breast cancer survivor website. She was so helpful and kind. She traveled all the way from Smyrna to come visit me and answer a zillion questions. Another of my new friends was one of my husband's old classmates from high school and she'd found us through Facebook. She and one of her friends, a fellow breast cancer survivor, came to visit and brought several meals to us. Their love and encouragement were unexpected blessings. God prompted them to come support us and we were very thankful.

August brought many more visits to doctors...followups with the breast surgeon, new visits with the Radiation Oncologist and my new Oncologist. I also began Lymphedema treatments and manual lymphatic drainage during this time. I was fitted for my prostheses and got new mastectomy bras. Throughout every new challenge that came my way, God provided His perfect peace. 

September brought radiation treatments and lots of them. I had treatments Monday through Friday for 28 days and then had a few days off when my skin got so terribly burned that it began peeling off. My energy level went from 100 to zilch in just a few weeks and I found that radiation sickness was not something to take lightly. Every movement I made took a huge effort. I felt like I was an old, old woman. Radiation continued into the third week of October and new challenges came. My heart began skipping beats and I had to wear a heart monitor for several days. The cardiologist wasn't sure if the radiation may have affected my heart, but since it was in the field where the radiation was beamed, he wanted to do everything possible to ensure I would be okay. 

October was a month I dreaded because of the pink everywhere! (October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.) As I continued my radiation treatments, I tried my best to realize that I was coming down the home stretch. 

November was filled with more doctor appointments and followup visits. On the 14th of the month, I began taking an aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, which was supposed to block the production of Estrogen in my body and keep cancer cells from growing. That medication brought on a whole new set of challenges and after two weeks, the doctor was taking me off of it. Thanksgiving was a very special time with loved ones. We thanked God for the many blessings He had provided throughout the year...for the wisdom and guidance of the medical staff who'd cared for me and for them taking such good care of us. 

December was a joy filled month, as we prepared to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Christmas music and decorations helped usher in the special day. We were surrounded by family love which made each moment memorable. On December 27, I began taking Tamoxifen, another chemotherapy drug, to block Estrogen in my body, and once again, the challenges of side effects have come. 

Throughout each month, there have been challenges, but God has met them with His awesome provision and power. I have felt His peace surrounding me and guiding me on this journey. He's never left me alone. Sure there have been days where I've done nothing but cry all day long as I've held my own pity party, but those days don't come often. I have been learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ instead of focusing on my current circumstances and when I do that, I realize that my suffering is NOTHING in comparison to what He did for me on the cross. 

This year has hurried by although some days felt as if they would never end. I can hardly believe we're at the end of 2014. In my last post, I wrote about looking in the "rear view mirror" and how, if we're not careful, we can lose our perspective and fall off the path of where today is taking us. In 2015, I want my focus to be very mindful. I want to make each moment count. I don't want to look behind and I don't want to look ahead...I want to focus on what God is doing at that exact moment in my life. I know He has great plans for me. I don't ever think any form of suffering is wasted. God uses it to teach us about His mercy. I have learned so much more than I could ever share in a blog post and I am so grateful for this past year although I never expected to experience any of the things I did. And so, I will leave you with my New Year's prayer. Hopefully it will touch your heart and prompt you to pray your own. May God fill you with His richest blessings and may you find His perfect peace sustaining you as you enter into the new year. In the words of an old Southern Baptist hymn, "Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before!"

Oh Gracious Heavenly Father,
Oh how I thank you for bringing me through another year of my life. Lord there have been some very scary moments and some really happy ones, too. Lord…I thank you so much that I am your child and you are my Father. You have been by my side throughout this year. As I focused my mind on You…You filled me with so much peace, and oh, the grace! I can't forget the grace you offered to me daily. Every day Your mercy was there to greet me in the morning. Your faithfulness was overwhelming to me. I never would have made it…without You!

Lord the greatest lesson I have learned this year is to trust You completely. When I started writing this blog…I didn’t know that talking with You so much and having to dig into Your Word would have such a profound effect on me. I learned more about you than I have ever learned in the past. Throughout all my years of walking with You, now I find that I’m more focused and less stressed. When troubles came my way it was easier to just cast my burdens on You and trust that You would be there for me and you were. Lord this year, we experienced loss in our family but even still, You’ve given my family so much comfort. We have so much peace knowing that our loved one is with you. Father God…I saw so many miracles this year that You have done in my life and in the lives of others. I have shared your miracles publicly because I want you to receive the glory. I want others to see that You indeed do take care of your children.

I’m so glad that You are not a far away God…that you are an ever present God. You are here with me and I feel Your presence. That presence has been here for the past 365 days of this year. You did not miss a single day, minute or a second of my life. I was totally covered with Your love. God… this is the last day of the year and I just want to express all my thanks to You for bringing me through another year. Thank you for being so faithful to me. You promised to be faithful and you were! With the big lesson I learned this year… to trust you completely in all things, I thank you for using cancer to teach me this lesson. 

My requests for 2015 are:
1. for wisdom and direction
2. for boldness to share what you've done in my life
3. for the ability to be more merciful, giving and loving like Jesus

My 3 requests for others:
1. for the lost to come to know you as their personal Lord and Savior and to know and understand that you are a loving and kind God, not a cruel and heartless task master
2. for parents to train up their children to love and follow after you....in an evil world, they need You so desperately
3. for Christians to pray for one another...to encourage and support one another with your BIG LOVE. 

Thank you, Father, that you hear our prayers. May Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

6 months check up with the Breast Surgeon

I can hardly believe it's been 6 months since surgery. Time seems to have flown by, especially these last few months. My calendar is so marked up with appointments that I think I'll keep it to remind myself of everything that was packed into this year. Thank goodness I programmed everything into my smart phone too and that I added reminders so I wouldn't forget any of the appointments. What would we do without our smart phones?

Today I drove to Fayetteville to meet with my breast surgeon. Although I got there about twenty minutes before my appointment, I knew I'd have to wait. My doctor is awesome so I don't mind waiting. She takes a lot of time with each of her patients making sure they understand everything and is always patient with questions too. I knew it would be about half an hour before I'd see her, so I settled into my big, cozy chair in the waiting room and caught up on some emails.

Almost half an hour passed to the minute when I heard my name being called. Normally, the first stop after walking through the doorway into the back office is at a scale in most doctors' offices, but not so with my doctor. She says there's no point in weighing her patients since most of them will lose a few pounds within a visit or two (speaking of the removal of one or both breasts!) I'm thankful she has that attitude. Wouldn't it be nice if none of our doctors were preoccupied with our weight?

After exchanging pleasantries, Dr. "S" asked me to disrobe. She did a visual exam and said my incisions are looking very nice. She took a few minutes to comment on her excellent surgical skills...I love her sense of humor! As she began to palpate my incisions, she stopped and hovered over an area underneath my right armpit. She asked if I had felt "that." I said, "if you're talking about that large lump, yes I have." She explained it was scar tissue and fluid build up. She said more than likely it was where the main beam of the radiation was targeted. She began to massage the area and I winced in pain as she did. She explained that she was trying to see if the scar tissue and fluid were able to be broken up by massage. She suggested we try therapeutic massage and she wrote a prescription for that but also mentioned that my husband could provide the same services at no charge. I laughed and told her I'd like to try that option first.

Dr. "S" asked if I had been wearing my "boobs." For those of you who don't know, I had both breasts removed in July without reconstruction and therefore, I have a very expensive pair of silicone breast prostheses. They are extremely heavy even though they are only a B cup. I explained to the doctor that I had not been wearing my boobs and told her why. She said if I don't start wearing them, my body is going to try to compensate for the lack of breast weight and my shoulders will start to round forward in a protective measure. This will cause not only shoulder problems but back pain...great. She said she would write a new prescription for some lighter weight boobs, but I'll have to wait until my deductible for 2015 is met before getting them because they'll cost a fortune. Even with insurance paying their part, the prostheses are very expensive.

I was asked how I was doing on the Tamoxifen and I explained I'd only been on it for 3 days so I hadn't noticed any real side effects yet other than hot flashes. "Usually," she said, "the meds don't really kick in until about 3 weeks and that's when you'll really start getting symptoms." She said if they get too bad, she'll prescribe Effexor to ease the hot flashes. Then she smiled a great big smile and crossed her arms. "They can get pretty bad," she said. Oh great...that's all I need, more side effects and more meds!

As I was leaving her office, Doc gave me a big hug and told me to have a happy New Year. I told her I was going to go home, dust off my fake boobs, and give them a trial run. She told me not to do anything she wouldn't do and I assured her I wouldn't! I guess the New Year will find me looking like a "Brick house" instead of flat and fabulous. I guess gaining a few pounds of silicone is better than gaining a few pounds of fat any day, isn't it? At least I can gain or lose the weight with a flick of the wrist as I unfasten my bra!

What I'm thinking:
I love my doctor! She's the best. She never makes me feel hurried or rushed. She always sits and listens and never makes me feel like I ask dumb questions. I wish all doctors were like her! I definitely don't want any side effects from Tamoxifen, and I don't want any more medication to take to correct the side effects if I do get them. My fake boobs are really heavy and I don't want to wear them but if I must I must. I don't want to have back problems from not wearing my boobs! It's been nice not to have to worry about wearing a bra but it's also been challenging. I am still self conscious about going out in public without boobs.

Listen to the Commodores sing "Brick House"

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another one prepares to go home

Kara and her husband, Jason

As you've read in an earlier post, I have been following the life stories of several other breast cancer survivors. There's a type of understanding between breast cancer patients and we share a unique type of sisterhood, even when most of us have never even met. Earlier this year, I lost an internet friend, Christina Newman, a young woman, not even 40, who lost her valiant fight with breast cancer. I had followed her online story for months and months. I felt like I knew her well and I was honored to have email exchanges with her. She was so gracious to provide answers to my questions and offer helpful advice. That's just something breast cancer survivors do...we support each other. Those who are a little further along in their journey freely offer help to "newbies."

Not long after I found Christina on the internet, I found Kara Tippetts. The main difference in their journeys was that Kara was a Christian while Christina was not. Both of their daily blogs offered me a wealth of information and I chose to follow them daily. Today, I was sad to learn that Kara, another young breast cancer survivor and mother of 4 young children, has begun the journey home. Today her husband made arrangements for hospice to come and care for Kara. It was so hard to believe. Again, my heart was broken knowing that another "pink sister" would be going home soon.

Kara during chemo treatments

Death is such an integral part of life and as a Christian, it is a wonderful reminder that this is not our home, but facing that reality is very difficult. Kara has braved the hard in her life so well. She wrote a book called "The Hardest Peace," which chronicled her journey and she has spoken over and over again at women's conferences and churches sharing her deep faith in hopes of helping others understand how to live life to the fullest even when things are difficult. In her book, Kara says, "This is not a book about trying to win the hardest story. This is a book about a broken woman on the journey to know the hardest peace. Peace in the midst of hard. I speak both generally and specifically of hard, because hard is often the vehicle Jesus uses to meet us, point us to that peace, and teach us grace."

Kara has been an inspiration to me because as a Christ follower, I have been able to travel the road she's on with her while facing my own breast cancer battle. Reading her blog posts and "watching" her take each day moment by moment has given me a wonderful hope that I can travel through my journey just as gracefully as she has even though our journeys are very different.

Kara has been transparent in her sharing. She's shared the good along with the bad and that's her way of helping others see that she is "real." As a breast cancer survivor, one of our main objectives in our journey is to help others know that we aren't vastly different from anyone else. We don't possess super human strength. We don't have an extra measure of courage...but as Christians, we do have a wonderful gift of never-ending hope. We know that no matter how difficult the path becomes, we are never alone.

I am thankful for the internet and the various cancer survivors who have chosen to share their stories through blogs. When I started my blog at the onset of my journey, my goal was to use it as a way to process everything that was happening to me. I wanted to use it as a catharsis. I needed a place to write down what I was feeling and as I did, I found an overwhelming desire to share what God was teaching me in my life too. Like Kara, I began to understand that even though God had allowed this hard to come into my life, He had a wonderful reason...a perfect plan...and although I didn't understand it, He was going to use it to forever change my life and hopefully the lives of others too.

Kara's children

I will be lifting up Kara and her husband, Jason, in the days ahead. As they begin to accept that Kara's time on earth is drawing to a close, I will ask God to bless them with an extra measure of His love. I will pray for His comfort to surround them and envelope them. I will pray He sends people to love on them and help them through each moment. I will also pray for their 4 sweet little ones. Oh how difficult it will be on them to lose their Mommy. Won't you please join me in praying for them? If you would like to know more about their story, you can read Kara's blog. I'll put the link at the end of this post but please know, she more than likely will become too weak to continue writing in the days ahead.

One day my story could end the way hers does. None of us expect to die so soon and when we least expect it... but as Christians, we know that only God knows the number of days He has planned for each of us to be on this earth. We have to trust that He will only call us home when He is ready for us. Cancer is a scary thing. Cancer is a very difficult thing. But I know that God is so much bigger and so much stronger than cancer could ever be and I am trusting in Him with everything I have inside of me. He is my hope and I know He is trustworthy and true.

Read Kara's blog

Read Kara's book, the Hardest Peace

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The rearview

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus".…Philippians 3:12-14 

Driving down the road, I can't help but look into my rear view mirror. Sometimes it's interesting to see how far you've come isn't it? But if you're continually looking in the rear view mirror, you can't see where you're going and you might just run off the road. Today I was reminded of this fact when I read Philippians 3:12-14. I need to stop focusing on what lies behind and press on toward the future and my goals. The new year is coming and it's time to think about some resolutions. The only one I really want to set and accomplish is to put cancer on the back burner and to get on with living my life. 

Today is my second day on the chemotherapy drug, Tamoxifen.  I was really hesitant about taking it since the Arimidex had so many side effects, but my oncologist said it's important for me to take this for the next 5 years and possibly for the next 10. Tamoxifen has been used for over 40 years so it has an established track record as being effective against recurring breast cancers. As adjuvant therapy, it helps to prevent the original breast cancer from returning and also helps to prevent the development of new cancers in the body. Since Estrogen can promote the growth of breast cancer cells, some breast cancers are classified as estrogen receptor-positive, which means that they have a protein to which estrogen will bind. These breast cancer cells need estrogen to grow. Tamoxifen works against the effects of estrogen on these cells. My cancer was both Estrogen and Progesterone positive and that's why Dr. Feinstein, my Oncologist, wants to aggressively treat it with an Estrogen blocking drug.

Tamoxifen has some serious side effects which include blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer, and cataracts. Other side effects of Tamoxifen are similar to the symptoms of menopause. The most common side effects are hot flashes and vaginal discharge. Some women experience irregular menstrual periods, headaches, fatigue, nausea and/or vomiting, vaginal dryness or itching, irritation of the skin around the vagina, and skin rash.

I wish I'd paid closer attention when my mother in law was having to take Tamoxifen for her breast cancer many years ago. I know she experienced several of the side effects but she never talked about them. Of course, I know everyone is different, so I may not experience the same ones she did, but still...I'm not looking forward to having to deal with the side effects that come my way.

It's hard to know what to do. All I can really do is trust my doctor's judgment and do what he says with regard to my treatment, but how do I know it's the right thing to do? Putting any kind of medication in your body isn't normal and I would much rather take the route of natural healing. But there are no guarantees with either. Before being diagnosed with cancer, I always ate healthy foods. I exercised and did all the things I knew to benefit my body so it would be healthy and strong and yet, I got cancer.

Some people think that we all have cancer cells in our bodies and some people's cancer cells become active while others lie dormant, but that is simply not true. "Everyone has cells that have mutant proteins from DNA damage, but to say that that's cancer would be alarmist," says Jennifer Loros, Ph.D, a professor of biochemistry and genetics at Dartmouth medical school. "A cell's natural cycle has checkpoints when it determines whether it's in a healthy state and should divide, or is damaged and should repair or kill itself. Cancer can occur when the normal checkpoints in the cell cycle are misregulated somehow and the [unhealthy] cell starts dividing."

Since March, my focus has been on cancer. The second I found the mass in my breast, my attention remained on my health. I've been through test after test, biopsies, lab tests, surgeries, radiation and now chemotherapy. When I look in the rear view mirror of my life, I see how far I've come...how many obstacles have been placed in my path and how many I've been able to jump over.  It's been so difficult to traverse through each one, but God has given me the strength to do it. I have to agree with the Apostle Paul, "...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has allowed me to be on this path, but He's also been with me through the entire journey. He has never left my side. He's never left me alone to figure things out. He has used this cancer to teach me and grow me. I know you've heard me say that many times before, but it's true! I have no clue where this next year is going to take me and I'm kind of glad I don't. For me, I'd rather not know what's coming because I like the suspense of not knowing. You may wonder how I can say that, but it's because I have faith. Without faith, I would be unable to hope for good things in the future. I would be unable to trust that God holds my future in the palm of His hands, but I know He does. 

Looking backward is fun for a moment or two, but looking ahead is so much more rewarding. The older I get, the more I realize how fast the years are flying by. There's not a moment to waste and I don't want to spend time focusing on the ones that have already passed by. I want to focus on the ones that are yet to come! 2015 is going to be a year filled with excitement and adventure and I'm looking forward with great anticipation to see where God takes me and how we're going to get there. I hope your new year is filled with many blessings and that you'll choose to look ahead and not behind. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

It is well

This year has been a hard one, probably one of the hardest I've ever experienced in my life thus far to be more accurate. I've tried to understand...tried to accept...tried to trust, but it's been hard. There have been days when I've managed to slide by, not focusing on the hard that's come my way and then there are those dark days...the days that envelope me...the days that overpower me and cause me to look around instead of up...but today, today has been a different day.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I love the way it speaks to my soul. I could sit for hours and listen to beautiful instrumental music allowing it to wash over me and comfort me with its easiness...the mindlessness of it, never having to focus on a thing, just hearing the melodious notes...tone upon tone, building in a beautiful crescendo until the piece is fading into nothingness. I need music. I don't think I could live without it. Music affects me deeply and so today, I searched. I searched for a song that would be my theme....a song that would share the depth of emotion that I've felt since finding out I have cancer. I wanted a song that would speak to your heart too and help you understand that though the days have been hard, they've also been good. They've been life changing and serene. God has been with me.

The song I chose is called It is well and if you click on the link, you can hear it. It's not the song you think...it's not, "It is well with my soul," although that song is mixed into this rendition. I've always loved the song, "It is well with my soul" by Horatio Spafford. Mr. Spafford was a wealthy Chicago lawyer living in the 18th century. He had a thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the Scriptures. Mr. Spafford came to write this well known song after a horrible family tragedy where all four of his daughters drowned. His song has spoken to many hearts that have been broken over the years and has spoken to mine too.

When I heard the rendition of "It is well" by Kristine DeMarco and Bethel Music, I knew I'd found my song...a song representative of all I've been through, all I've come through, and where I am currently in my cancer journey. When I first heard her song, I listened to it over and over again and let my soul absorb every word. It was as if I'd found a song that spoke the words of my heart...every single one of them. Words I've cried out to my Savior over the past few days, telling Him how much I love Him...how much I adore Him...how much I trust Him completely.

It hasn't been easy getting to this place in my life. It has taken a great deal of effort to finally be at peace with cancer. I fought it so hard in the beginning until I realized God had chosen it for me. And so today, I can honestly say, it is well with me. It is well that I have cancer. It is well because I know that God is here...right in the middle of my journey. He's never left me. He's been with me since the beginning and through it all, I have learned to trust completely.

There are times when life is so confusing. We wish we could understand everything all at once but instead, God only allows us to get a tiny glimpse of what He's doing. If we struggle and fight against the hard things that come our way, we make the journey even more difficult than it has to be but...if we can learn to lean into the hard and trust God completely, we can learn to say "it is well" and mean it. We can let go of everything that is hindering us and holding us tightly and just relax allowing our soul to become rightly aligned with His heart and one day, one day when He sees fit, He'll show us what the journey was all about. We'll understand completely why we had to endure days of hard and days of pain. We'll be able to look upon the struggle with eyes that see clearly and we can say without reservation..."it is well."

Oh my Savior...I want to be wrapped up in your love. I want to cease struggling against You and learn to just rest. Thank you Father for being so patient with me...so understanding...so loving and kind. You are such a gentle Father and you love me so well. I am thankful I was able to find a song that gave words to my heart's longings. I release all of my worries, all of my unanswered questions, all of myself to You and I say, "it is well, Father, and through it all, I trust You completely." You never change and for that I am grateful. You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Through it all, my eyes are on You. I choose to trust You, Father, through it all, and I know you hear my prayer and will answer according to your will. Amen.

Click here if you missed the link for the song above! I hope it blessed your heart as it did mine.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Unwrapping the greatest gift of all, Jesus

This morning I woke up thinking about the greatest gift of all, Jesus. Christmas is coming! It's only two days away. Christmas is the day we have chosen to celebrate the birth of Christ. On Christmas morning, houses will light up in the wee hours of the morning as littles scramble from bed. The Bigs will rise more slowly and they'll all gather around the tree for great expressions of joy. It will be a wonderful celebration as the wrapping paper flies and the children squeal with glee but will the greatest gift gain their attention or will it be forgotten?

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son..." you remember it, don't you? That very first important verse you learned in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School. But can you say it in its entirety? "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Yes. The gift. The most important gift of all...everlasting life! And God gave it freely to anyone who would accept His gift...that's right, all you had to do was open your arms and accept... and did you?

Gifts! Everyone loves gifts. The beautiful wrappings, the bows, the ribbons, the pretty paper! There's something wonderful about making a present look beautiful. And oh, how the receiver will appreciate the gift and be filled with excitement upon receipt. Gifts and giving of gifts...so much emotion is tied into the choosing and into the giving, and then there's the love...the BIG LOVE that comes when the perfect gift is chosen for that special someone...all the care...all the time spent in picking out the perfect thing...

There's a story I heard once, about gifts. I'd like to share it with you and hope you'll understand more about the importance of gift giving.  Some years ago, a missionary in a small coastal village in East Africa was explaining to kids, who never had anything of their own, why believers give gifts to each other on Christmas day. "The gift,” she said, “is an expression of our joy over the birth of Jesus and our friendship for each other." When Christmas came, one little boy brought the teacher a unique and a very beautiful seashell. She asked, "Where on earth did you ever find such a beautiful shell?"
”There’s only one place,” the lad said, and he named an isolated bay several miles away.
So taken by the beauty of the little shell and how far the child had to go to get it, she finally stammered: "Why ... why, it’s gorgeous ... wonderful, but you shouldn’t have gone all that way to get the gift for me." His dark eyes brightened to match the beam of his smile as he explained, "Long walk part of gift." Each step of the way, the child anticipated the joy his gift would bring as he trudged the many miles to bring it back. Do you understand? Do you get the picture?

That story made me think about the gift God chose for us...Jesus. His gift was specifically chosen for you and for me. And in His choosing, God took the long walk from Heaven to Bethlehem...the long journey was part of the gift. He chose to travel from paradise to a dingy, dark manger; from that hay-filled stable to a cross; from that rugged cross to a borrowed tomb; and from the grave back to heaven. Have you ever wondered why He went to all that trouble to give us the perfect and best gift? Can you hear our gracious Heavenly Father whispering to your heart..."long walk part of gift?"

When all the unwrapping is done and the paper and bows are strewn across the floor, don't forget to unwrap the most important gift of all, Jesus. Don't leave Him underneath the tree. Don't forget the BIG LOVE with which the Father chose the gift...

Unwrap the Gift of His Love.
You may be wondering how you can unwrap the love of Christ. The easiest way to unwrap His love is to accept Him as your Savior. Believe He is who He says He is! Take the free gift He has given you. If you haven't done that yet, it's the first step. I'm so grateful that Christ loved us so much that He wants to take us to Heaven to be with Him. I also love the fact that His love sustains us while we're here on earth. Every day I wake up, I find the love of Christ. The love of Christ is one of those gifts that we need to share with others too. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!

^"[That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]" Ephesians 3:19

Nothing can take that gift of love away from us either. The Bible says so!

"Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39

Unwrap the Gift of Grace.
God's BIG LOVE is filled with gifts! Another gift we can unwrap is the gift of grace. Through Christ we have access to that wonderful grace that's given to us. Not a gift we deserve,  but because of Christ has chosen to give it to us.

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God." Romans 5:1,2

"But not as the offense, so also is the free gift. For if through the offense of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is by one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many." Romans 5:15

"That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:7

Unwrap the Gift of the Resurrection.
This is one of those gifts that it's worth getting excited about. Without the resurrection of Christ, we have nothing. 

And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins." 1 Corinthians 15:17

When we unwrap this part of the gift and dwell on it awhile, we should get really excited!

"Now sin is the sting of death, and sin exercises its power [upon the soul] through [the abuse of] the Law. But thanks be to God, Who gives us the victory [making us conquerors] through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:56,57

" Praised (honored, blessed) be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah)! By His boundless mercy we have been born again to an ever-living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." 1 Peter 1:3
 
Unwrap the Gift of Inheritance.
Because of Christ, we can become heirs of God. Now that's a gift! Just knowing that we will inherit all the good things He has to give us...all of His attributes, all of His wonderful qualities, everything that is His will be ours too! And all because our loving Heavenly Father wants to give...to bless His children...  

"[Born anew] into an inheritance which is beyond the reach of change and decay [imperishable], unsullied and unfading, reserved in heaven for you" 1 Peter 1:4

"The Spirit Himself [thus] testifies together with our own spirit, [assuring us] that we are children of God. And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:16-17

 
There's so very much we are given through the gift of Christ. The ones listed are just some of the things we gain with a life in Christ. Can't you just see it? It's like there's a huge Christmas tree and the bottom is stuffed with gifts and the branches are weighed down heavy with gifts tucked in just for us. We have wonderful and precious promises, strength, the Holy Spirit, peace, joy, and so much more because of the Lord Jesus Christ. Because of Christ our lives can become so full, so rich, so meaningful.

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

On Christmas day, have you ever seen a tree with the gifts left unwrapped? I haven't! Most of us don't leave our gifts unwrapped under the tree. We want to see what's inside. Maybe we should spend more time in the Word and in prayer finding those things that the Lord would have for us. Perhaps we should spend more time saying, "thank you" for our gifts and appreciate them more. I know I need to work on this. I don't want to miss out on anything or forget to say "thank you." I want to make sure I am grateful for the most precious gift of all. I want to make sure I don't forget to unwrap Jesus.

"For God so LOVED (with the biggest love EVER) the world, that He GAVE (He chose, this gift specifically for you and for me) His ONLY begotten Son (the most precious gift He had to offer), that WHOSOEVER (anyone...everyone...) believeth in Him would not perish (would not die an eternal death in the fires of hell receiving just punishment for their sin) but have everlasting life (a life always in His presence enjoying all He has to give us forever)....

"If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
 Romans 10:9

"But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." You can’t work for what is freely given. Romans 4:5

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8

"He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him." John 3:36
 
It’s the NEW life that puts your name in God’s book. The righteousness of Christ, himself, is deposited to your account.

"For he (God) hath made him(Jesus) to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." 2 Corinthians 5:21
 
The REAL Christmas is that GOD who so loved the world ... that he gave his only begotten son ... that whosoever believes on him should not perish ... but have everlasting life. 

If you don't know Jesus...if you don't have Him in your life, you can have His free gift of salvation. It's there for the asking! All you have to do is pray this prayer and mean it from the bottom of your heart: Dear Lord Jesus, Please forgive me. I am a sinner. I have sinned against you by not keeping your commandments. I know I am lost and I need a Savior. I want to be sure that when I die, I will go to heaven. I can't do anything on my own to get there. I can't ever be good enough...no matter how hard I try. I believe you are the Son of God. I believe you came to earth to die on the cross for us...for me...you came to die for me! Even if there was no one else on the earth, you still would have come and died for me...because the Bible says that the wages of sin are death and sin is whenever I deliberately disobey your laws and choose my own way over your way. I know that you promise everlasting life if I believe in You. I choose, as an act of my will, to believe in You. To believe that You are now in me and I am in you and that we are one! I believe that God sent you to earth to die on the cross but on the third day, you were raised from the grave and now you are forever at the right hand of the Father. I submit my will to yours and I ask you to come into my heart and become the Lord of my life. And I know that if I ask, you hear my prayer and answer it because of your great love for me. Thank you Lord for coming into my heart and saving me! I have accepted your free gift of salvation and I will live my life for you from this day forward. Amen.

So, have you unwrapped all of your presents? Have you unwrapped Jesus?

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oh my aching back!

I used to work for a chiropractor and every day, I'd hear the patients come in complaining about their various aches and pains. Almost every single one of them would say, "oh, my aching back." Several of the older patients would tell me as they'd be leaving, "be glad you're young and you don't have back problems. When you're back hurts, everything hurts!" I was blessed. I didn't have trouble with my spine. I was happy and healthy and strong. I loved working in the medical field and enjoyed seeing others receive relief from physical pain. They'd come in grimacing, hurting and barely able to stand. After they'd received their adjustments, they'd walk out smiling and feeling instant relief. I was always amazed how quickly their countenance would change after protruding disks had been slipped back into place.

One of the perks of working for a chiropractor was the ability to receive free spinal adjustments. Although I wasn't aware of having any back problems, I decided to have the doctor adjust me one day. I'd had a migraine headache all day long and it just wouldn't go away. When he told me he could fix it, I decided to give chiropractic a try.

I went in to the examination room, put on the gown and waited for the doctor to come in. My head was pounding and I felt sick at my stomach. He came in to the room and had me lie down on the table as he checked every single vertebrae in my spine. As he lightly touched the places that were out of alignment, I could feel discomfort. As he began to adjust me, I felt instant relief. It was amazing! The doctor showed me a chart when he was through adjusting me. He explained how nerves from all over our bodies are attached to our spine. It was fascinating to know that when my head hurt, I could have my spine adjusted and the pain would disappear. Within a week or two, I was sold on chiropractic and the benefits of natural healing to the body. 

Today, my back hurts, my arms hurt, every joint in my body is telling me I'm not as young as I used to be. In fact, I think they're screaming, "what in the world were you thinking???"  They don't just ache and they aren't just stiff, they hurt! I wish I still worked for the chiropractor because if I did, I know he could adjust me and make me good as new. But, I don't have anyone to adjust me any longer. Since surgery, my body has been in agony. The muscles and tendons that were deeply cut are no longer the same. I can't move the way I used to move. It takes great effort to do things that once used to be easy.

Last night was our family Christmas gathering. I worked for days beforehand getting everything ready...cleaning and scrubbing, mopping and vacuuming, dusting and doing...making sure everything would be perfect. And everything was perfect. We had a lovely time sharing a delicious meal, good conversation and reminiscing over Christmases past, but I should have known better.

I stayed up late watching a movie with one of my daughters. I don't stay up late any more...usually, I'm in bed by 9:30 p.m. It was a Christmas movie and it was really good...I thought it would be okay, just this once. I'm not that old!

Today, I've suffered from all the work I did preparing, from staying up late, from picking up my granddaughter and doing things I shouldn't have done...but, I thought I could handle...WRONG. It seems my body isn't as strong as it used to be and I haven't been listening to it like I should. It's been telling me it's tired and needs to rest but I didn't heed the warnings. My poor aching back! I don't want to complain, really, but it just hurts.

Why do we focus so much on comfort? We want everything to be easy. We don't want to have to put forth any effort. Why don't we appreciate the good along with the bad? Every ache, every pain reminds me that I'm still alive. Yes, picking up my granddaughter, who weighs 25 pounds, wasn't a good thing to do but that smile...that impish little grin she gave me...it was worth it. All the cleaning and scrubbing, yes, it was taxing, but the reward was greater...just knowing my children and grandchildren would come in to a nice clean home, was priceless. Staying up late, when my body said "no, don't do it, you'll be sorry," was totally worth it because it gave me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. So yes, I'm hurting, but it's okay.

The rain today hasn't helped much. I've always heard it makes the joints ache and now I know that to be true, but even though my body is screaming out in agony, I can laugh louder than the rain. All these aches and pains...maybe they really aren't screaming out at me. Maybe they're just trying to remind me that I'm still alive and that life is a gift and I need to remember this truth.


Someone once said that life is like a sponge that is totally saturated with good things to enjoy. The harder we squeeze, the more life pours out onto us...well, I want to visualize myself squeezing every last bit of life from that sponge! I want to squeeze it so hard that it hurts.

Maybe it's not so much about being comfortable all the time...maybe it's more about thriving in the uncomfortable. Maybe it's about embracing the struggle instead of trying to find an easier way. I hope I will always remember to live life to the fullest and even when my body hurts, that I'll be listening when I hear it whispering, "be thankful you're alive!"

Indeed, my back is hurting and I would give anything for an adjustment right about now, but I'll take the pain and I'll be grateful for it because as long as I can still feel it...I'm still here and that's definitely a plus.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved