Inside out

Since my last post, I feel like I've been turned inside out. I've faced a gamut of emotions and no, they are not cancer related. First of all, let me give you the update on my ultrasound report - everything came back good. That was a huge praise and the oncologist said if I keep having pain, he'll do a CT scan. I was also supposed to have an MRI on my spine because of pain I've been suffering lately, but I had to cancel that test due to insurance issues. We have had changes to our insurance and have a much higher deductible this year (which we haven't yet met). If I'd had the MRI done, I would have had to pay $700 out of pocket up front and we didn't have that kind of money so I made the decision to forego the test. I'm praying that everything will be okay and that the pain isn't an indicator that the cancer has embedded in my spinal column. Those are palpable pains I've dealt with. Physical pain is much easier to handle than emotional pain.

Gerri and I

I have been struggling for the past week over the sudden death of my very best friend, Gerri. Gerri and I were very close friends and always teased each other saying we were sisters from other mothers. We went to seminary together and worked together. We were joined at the hip so to speak. She used to call me her "Ace Boon Coon," which I didn't understand until I Googled it. (It means a very best, loyal friend.) That was a good definition of our relationship. Gerri just "got" me.

I never had to pretend around Gerri. She knew everything about me and loved me anyway. That's rare to find these days in any friend, but she was unique in that way. She loved me even when I was unlovable. Gerri didn't care if my hair was fixed or if I wore makeup. Those trivial things didn't matter one bit to her. She just wanted to be with me and when we were together, we were like Mutt and Jeff...we were, as she put it "besties."

Last week, I had texted her to see what she was up to and she replied with a "hey, girlie girl." (That was another term of endearment she used with me.) We chatted a while and made plans to go get our hair done together. Gerri knew of a great stylist that she'd been going to for years. She told me she'd call Bethany and see if we could get back to back appointments. We planned to make a day of it, and we did.

Our sweet husbands drove us to Carrollton to the salon. Gerri went first because her hair was uber short and she was only getting a trim and her purple streak recolored. Gerri was bold that way. She always wanted to make a statement. She didn't care what other people thought of her, she just lived her life to the fullest. Bethany called us back and sat us in chairs that were side by side. She began to work on Gerri as we talked and made plans for the rest of our day. As Bethany began to work on Gerri, I couldn't help but smile as the pink foils were placed in her hair after the dark purple dye was applied. Gerri looked at me and said, "WHAT???" I started to laugh and told her she looked so funny. Then it was my turn.

Bethany worked on me for over an hour. I was getting a full head of highlights so she must have put in close to 100 foils. As Bethany worked, Gerri started to smile and talk about my family, asking how each one of my children and grandchildren were. She told me that my husband, Phil, was a good man and it was evident that he loved me. I glanced over to the waiting area to look at my sweet husband who was sitting patiently with Gerri's husband, Doc. How many guys do you know that would sit in a salon for over 2 hours waiting on their wives to get their hair done and not voice a word of complaint? Not many, I can assure you. After our hair was finished, we went to check out and make our next appointments. Once again, we made them together.

Gerri with her foils getting her purple streak

Once in the car, Gerri and I began to talk. Somehow, the subject of death was brought up and Gerri said, "when I die, I want to be cremated." I told her that I'd planned the same thing and said I'd already purchased an urn. I told her I kept it in the living room on the floor by my bookcase and if it survived being kicked over and broken, that I planned to have it used to carry my ashes over to Cumberland Island where I'll be sprinkled one day. Gerri listened intently and then said, "I want to be planted." "Planted?" I said. "Yes. I found a company that sells these little pots with dirt and a tree seedling in them and they say you can have your ashes mixed in with it and be planted." I looked at her in surprise and she continued, "I want to be planted where my grandchildren can climb up on my limbs one day." As I listened, I heard a deep sadness behind Gerri's comments.

Me in foils getting my highlights

After dinner, we drove back to Gerri's house to visit a little longer. When we got inside, Gerri sat down in her recliner. I could tell she was tired and I was too. She saw me adjusting my bra and said, "You know, you don't have to wear those things for me. Why don't you take them off?" She knew my prostheses were very heavy and hot in the summertime. They'd been riding up all day and I'd been having to yank them back down into place. She told me there were some empty bags in the kitchen and I could get one of those to put my "boobs" in, so I took one and headed toward her bathroom.

When I came back into the living room, we smiled at one another. "See, doesn't that feel better?" she said. "Yes! I hate those things!" I said. Gerri told me I should just not wear them and I agreed with her. She knew me well. She knew it embarrassed me to go out in public with out my "boobs" on. Gerri told me I needed a vest like hers. She said the vest was good camouflage and that often, she went braless. She told me that no one ever knew because she had the vest on to hide herself but it was so much more comfortable than wearing a restricting bra. We had a good laugh over it and then Doc, Gerri's husband, began tinkering with a new Bluetooth receiver he'd just gotten in the mail.

I made the mistake of asking Doc how loud his surround sound speakers would go. Doc loves music just about better than anything and I knew he'd enjoy cranking it up a little for a good cause. Gerri shot me an "oh, thanks a lot, Bonnie" glance and put her fingers in her ears. Doc increased the volume and we were surrounded by melodious notes.

The sun was going down and I told Gerri we'd better be getting on back home. As we said our goodbyes, I gave her a big hug and started down the stairs. She called me back and said she wanted just one more hug, so I obliged. We got in our car and waved as we pulled off.

On Friday, June 26th, I got a Facebook message from one of my seminary professors, Dr. Gary Greene. Gary had been the instructor for a class that Gerri and I had taken together. I hadn't talked to him in years, so when I received his message to contact him, I was taken aback. When I got in touch with him, he asked if I'd heard about Gerri. I replied that I had not and he proceeded to ask me to call him. I knew at that point that something was very wrong.

Gary answered my call almost immediately. Again, he asked if I'd heard about Gerri. I responded that I had not and asked what was wrong. Gary told me that Gerri was dead. I could not believe my ears and at first, thought he was playing some sort of sick joke on me. I questioned him, asking if he was sure and how did he know...who gave him the information, and he said he'd heard from one of his neighbors who was also a friend of Doc and Gerri's.

Immediately I called Gerri's cell phone number. I don't know why I did it, I guess I was just in shock and needed answers. Doc answered and I asked if Gerri was okay. He told me that she had passed away. I asked what happened and he recounted the story to me. Now it was starting to sink in, my best friend, the one person I felt knew me inside and out, was gone.

My heart was broken and it took days to process Gerri's death. I'm still struggling with it today. The only thing that gives me consolation is knowing that I will see her again one day. Gerri was a Christian. She loved the Lord with all her heart and wanted others to know it.

Gerri and I were so much alike. One of the things that drew us to one another was knowing our pasts were so similar. We were able to accept each other, warts and all. We never judged one another, we just loved one another.

I'm so thankful for last Friday. Spending those minutes and hours with my "bestie" will forever be etched into my memory. I can still see her sweet smile in my mind as she sat in the salon chair, hear head sporting pink foils clipped together on top of her head full of cropped hair. I'm thankful I had an inkling, while at dinner, to snap a cell phone photo of Gerri and Doc. Little did I know it would be the last time I'd ever see them together. I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to tell her I loved her as we left their house that evening and I'm so thankful I agreed to go back for that second hug.  Oh, if I'd been in a hurry, I might not have taken the time to give her one last squeeze.

I think God knew I'd need these sweet memories to cling to this week as I've struggled to process Gerri's death. I know Gerri's in the presence of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Her body isn't in pain any longer. She doesn't have to struggle in this wicked world for one more second either. My heart still aches for my sweet friend but I know I'll see her again one day. I can almost hear Gerri telling me to "suck it up and move on." She was very blunt at times but very honest to a fault.

I loved my "Ace Boon Coon" and I know she loved me too. I'm so thankful God allowed us to meet all those years ago at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. He knew we'd be important parts of each others' lives and for that, I've extremely grateful.

Gerri and her son, Jeff

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Drink up!

Dr. Feinstein was surprised when I mentioned ovarian pain today at my appointment. "How do you know it's your ovary?" he said. I explained to him that as a teen, I suffered from ovarian pain and frequently had pelvic ultrasounds that revealed functional cysts. "You shouldn't be having any ovarian pain," he remarked. In my head, I was thinking, I know that doc, why do you think I mentioned it? "Your ovaries shouldn't be producing any Estrogen since you're past menopause. How long has the pain been going on?" he said. I told him it had been constant for the past 3 months. I knew it was coming, so I wasn't surprised when he ordered a pelvic ultrasound. Oh, goody, I thought...another invasive test.

The worst part about having a pelvic ultrasound (other than the humiliation of having a complete stranger insert a foreign object into your hoohah) is having to go in for the test with a full bladder. I was told to drink at least 32 ounces of water before arriving for the test. I don't like my bladder to be full, in fact, I empty it often. So when I was reminded again, as I left the office, "be sure and drink lots of water before your test," I cringed. 

You know how hospitals are, don't you? They schedule you for a 1:00 p.m. test and you may, you MAY get called back an hour later. If I was going to have to present myself with a very full bladder and then have to sit and wait for over an hour before being called back for my test, I wasn't so sure I could make it. Perhaps I should stop by the drugstore and buy some of those little leakage pads just in case....you know, someone could tell a really funny joke in the waiting room and I might just laugh so hard I'd spill a little urine or heaven forbid, I have to sneeze! Maybe I should just carry one of those WET FLOOR signs in with me when I arrive and place it strategically beside me...just in case...

What I'm thinking:

I'm glad my doctor is being proactive. At least he heard what I said and scheduled a test ASAP. I'm not looking forward to exposing my hoohah...it's so embarrassing! I hope they don't make me wait long. I really can't hold it for more than an hour or two at most, and it's not healthy to cross your legs, they say, but crossing your ankles is okay. I don't want to have an accident so I'm praying that I can find a parking space close to the door. It would be tragic to have to waddle across the entire length of the parking lot with a "filled to the brim" bladder and accidentally arrive with wet britches. So, tomorrow is the big day. I guess I'd better make sure I'm all clean and shiny down there which reminds me of a joke, I just have to tell here: An elderly lady lived with her middle aged daughter and had been with her for quite some time. Her health had started to deteriorate, so the loving daughter began to make doctors' appointments for her mother. The mother was compliant and agreed to go to these appointments. She knew her daughter only wanted the very best for her. The daughter made an appointment with the regular primary care physician who gave the mother a clean bill of health, she made an appointment with the gastroenterologist and her mother's upper GI tract checked out just fine. She made an appointment with the gynecologist, just to be sure her mom was okay from head to toe. When she told her mother about this last appointment, her mother took a little longer to get ready than she had for each of the other doctors. Her daughter began to get concerned and knocked on the bathroom door. "Mom, are you okay?" she said. "Yes, dear," her mother replied. When they entered the gynecologist's office, the doctor asked the mother why she was there. The mother replied, "to appease my daughter. She wants me to get checked out from head to toe and everywhere else in between." "I see," said the doctor and he began to help the old woman up onto his table. As she lay back, in preparation for the exam, the doctor lifted the sheet. "My, Mrs. Ingram, don't you look fancy today!" "Why, thank you," exclaimed the mother. After the exam was over, the doctor assured the daughter that everything was just fine. On the way home from the doctor's office, the daughter asked her mother what she thought of the doctor. "He was nice, but a little odd," the old woman said. "How was he odd?" said the daughter. "Well, when he lifted up the sheet, he said my don't you look fancy today, Mrs. Ingram." "That is a little strange," said the daughter. "Mother, did you do anything different to yourself as you prepared for the visit today?" "Well, I did want to make sure I didn't smell down there, so I used some of your feminine spray, the can you had sitting on the counter behind the toilet." "OMG, Mom! That wasn't feminine spray! That was Haley's glitter spray! No wonder the doctor said you looked fancy! You had a sparkling, glittery hoohah!" The mother slapped her hand over her mouth in horror and then burst out laughing. They laughed all the way home with the doctor's words ringing in their heads, "My, Mrs. Ingram, don't you look fancy today!" 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oh my aching back

Today was my 6 month checkup with the Radiation Oncologist. I wasn't really looking forward to going to see her, mainly because I'm a little tired of doctors lately, but I went. My appointment was at 1:00 p.m. so I arrived promptly at 12:45 p.m. I don't like to be late to appointments. I went in and sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before being called back. Chrissy, the R.N., was new. She immediately started explaining that she was here from another office and she added, "I'm hot!" I must have given her a puzzled look because she began going into a long explanation about how she'd been having hot flashes lately. I wanted to scream out, "TMI, TMI!" (too much information).

Chrissy led me back to the scale and after recording my weight, motioned for me to enter the exam room. She asked me to have a seat and then began the barrage of questions...what medications are you on, are you in any pain, what level is your pain on a scale of 1-10, etc. After she'd jotted down notes on me, she began telling me all about her...she kept complaining about her hot flashes and I told her she needed to put her long hair up into a pony tail and maybe splash some cool water on her face. I tried to be merciful but this was very unprofessional. She was there to do her job as a nurse, asking questions and gathering information to present to the doctor when she walked into my exam room. Instead, this nurse was giving me a list of her own complaints. Finally, she left the room and as she was leaving she said, "oh, the air conditioning feels so cool right here!" She stood in the hallway under the a/c vent for a few minutes and I jokingly said, "are you going to stand there the rest of the day?" She laughed and said she would like to but she'd better get busy.

About 30 minutes later, Dr. S came into the room and began apologizing for being late. She'd been at the hospital checking on a patient and had been delayed. She began examining me and feeling along my surgical incisions asking if I'd felt any new lumps or bumps. I told her I don't usually feel around looking for any so I wasn't really sure. She noted the swelling in my upper arms and asked me if I'd always had that. I explained it was Lymphedema since breast surgery. She then asked if I had a followup scheduled with the breast surgeon. When I told her I had an appointment in August, she replied, "has she scheduled your mammograms?" I couldn't believe what I had heard. I probably shouldn't have, but I replied, "ummm, I don't think you have to have mammograms any longer when you don't have any boobs." Talk about embarrassed...Dr. S. turned bright red and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'd forgotten you had both breasts removed." I felt like she was a little off her game. Maybe she was still in hospital mode.

When the doc began asking me if I'd been experiencing any problems, I explained I'd been extremely fatigued lately and I'd also been having some unusual pain in my upper back. She asked me to try and describe the pain and I told her it was like a dull aching all the time. I watched her write down a bunch of notes and then she told me she wanted me to have a complete spinal MRI. She mentioned concern about the pain and said she didn't want to worry me, that she didn't think it was cancer but she wanted to make sure. Great. Try not to scare me but do...just what I needed to hear.

So I have an appointment scheduled the first week of July. Dr. S was kind enough to give me a prescription for Ativan to help with claustrophobia in the MRI tube. I guess this test will take care of our annual deductible for insurance.

What I'm really thinking:
I hope the cancer hasn't come back and taken up residence in my spine. I saw how much pain my aunt went through when her breast cancer metastasized into her bones. I don't think I can deal with that. I'm glad Dr. S prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. Ever since I was trapped in that elevator, I've had a terrible time with claustrophobia. Don't they have open MRI's? I wonder why she didn't order an open MRI test? How will I handle it if the report shows it is cancer? What if they find something else like a fractured disk or some spinal abnormality? I guess I'll know the answer to all those questions and more in about 2 weeks. Until then, I'm just going to try not to think about it. I don't like this.

Just enough grace

This morning, I woke up really, really tired. I feel like I'm trudging through the day like an old diver in a lead suit on the bottom of the ocean floor. Every movement takes such effort. Since my cancer battle began, I've had both extremely good days and very challenging days. Today is one of the challenging days.

I drug myself into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. Just getting the bowl out of the china cabinet was difficult. I felt like every cell in my body was revolting. What is wrong with me??? Why do I feel this way today??? I don't normally feel this tired.

I ate my bowl of cereal and sat there for a long time. I didn't even have the strength to think, I just sat. Staring out the window, I watched the leaves on the trees. The wind wasn't blowing, I just stared at them.

Getting up from the table, I put my bowl in the sink and began to walk down the hallway toward my office. Instead of continuing on toward my destination, I opened the door to our guest bedroom and went over to the bed. I just needed to lie down. I was so very, very tired.

I lay on the bed for about 30 minutes. I didn't sleep, didn't think, didn't do anything but lie there. I didn't have the energy to move. The bed felt so nice and comforting. It was cool in the bedroom and a little dark since I hadn't turned on the light. If I could have, I would have fallen asleep, but I wasn't really sleepy...just physically drained.

After I'd been on the bed for a while, I prayed for God to give me the strength I need to get through the day and this is what I felt Him saying to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." I was surely weak today, so He must surely be strong!

I was reminded, as I made myself get up,  that He gives us just enough grace to get through each day. I know He expects me to live this day in the power of His strength, leaning on His wisdom, drawing on His presence and power. I know I can't make it on my own strength, because I don't have any today.

I can't put my finger on why I'm so tired. I slept fairly well last night. I'm wondering if my Vitamin D level is extremely low again. I don't want to even consider the fact that it might be something else...something like a recurrence, so I refuse to let my mind go there.

"It's okay to rest today, Mom," said my daughter as we talked on the phone. I tell her that I feel so guilty when I'm not doing something and she chides me lovingly. I guess I'll take her advice and just watch a movie or read a book. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more energy. I sure hope so because I don't like feeling this way at all.

Maybe on the days when I feel so wiped out, that's God's way of alerting me to the fact that I need to slow down just a little. I've been trying so hard to do all the things I did B.C. (before cancer). My husband tells me we're getting older too and while I know that's true, I don't want to make excuses for my lack of energy.

Would you say a prayer for me today? I know I surely need it. Thank you in advance and now, I'm going to just go sit and do nothing for a while.

p.s. It was really hard to make myself come into the office and type this today but I want to always give you a clear picture of the challenges I'm facing. I try to be brave and fight through things like this daily but honestly, it's really difficult some days.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved


Scripture references:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Today is a good day

Every single day is a challenge. From the moment I wake up until the time I go to bed, my day is filled with choices. I have to decide, before my feet hit the floor, whether this is going to be a good day or a bad day; and that choice depends mainly on how I'm feeling physically.

Today, my arms aren't swollen yet. My bones don't ache and my muscles don't feel like they're all kinked up in knots. I think today will be a good day.

I get up and make my bed. As I spread the down comforter over my mountain of pillows, I have to laugh. Who, in their right mind, sleeps with a down comforter on their bed during the month of June in Georgia? But I've always been cold natured and I guess it's better than the electric blanket (which I took off the bed last month). Hubby has learned to let me do whatever it takes to feel comfortable and if that means letting me sleep with a down comforter, even though it's 90 degrees outside, he does it. Of course, I make concessions. I do turn the thermostat down to 74 degrees and we use a ceiling fan to make the room comfortable for him.

My hubby is a giver and I've become a taker. I never used to be a taker, but trying to find a way to sleep comfortably has forced me to become one. In the previous paragraph, I mentioned my mountain of pillows. You wouldn't believe the number of pillows it takes to help me feel comfortable at night. I have two pillows under my head, two under each arm, and one under my knees. Inevitably, those pillows start out in a nice, neat little mountain when we first get into bed but as the night goes on, I toss and turn and the pillows shift everywhere.

I usually get 2/3 of the bed and my poor, loving husband gets the other 1/3 if he's lucky. Sometimes, during the middle of the night, when I get up to use the restroom, I see him clinging to the edge of the bed. My heart hurts because I know he'll never complain. He knows how much trouble I have sleeping and he's willing to sacrifice so I can gain a few precious hours of sleep.

After making the bed and getting dressed, I go into the kitchen to make myself breakfast. As I eat my actual food, I feed myself on spiritual food from the Bible. This is a regular morning routine for me and it provides me with assurance that God is with me. As I read, I'm reminded that He is always with me. He knows my fears and my insecurities and yet, He loves me through them.

After my devotion and prayer time, I start to work on the house. Laundry and dishes are a constant but I don't mind. I'm just thankful I have the energy to do them today. Some days I don't, but today, so far, is a good day.

I drag the heavy vacuum cleaner from the closet. It's such a challenge to pull that thing around! My arms are so weak since surgery but I do it slowly and surely. I told my husband the other day that I didn't think I could keep tugging the vacuum around because it's so heavy and he told me to order a new light weight vacuum cleaner! And so I did! I am so thankful this will be the last time I have to fight with this one.

Finally, I finish cleaning and I am surprised to find that I still have some energy. Most days, my energy has gone by early afternoon. I decide to make a batch of oatmeal cookies. Hubby loves cookies and this will be a nice surprise for him when he comes home from work.

Pulling out my mixing bowl, I began to measure ingredients into it. First comes the oatmeal, then the flour, and spices. Next the melted butter, the raisins, and the eggs. As I crack each eggshell, I am reminded how fragile they are...just one tiny tap is all it took to shatter the thin, white, protective covering. As I mix all the ingredients together, I can't help but think about my life...just like the cookie batter, it takes some sweet and not so sweet ingredients to make it work.

The cookies smell divine as they are baking. I can't wait for them to get done so I can taste one. It has been a long time since I've baked anything. The cinnamon and the vanilla are wafting through the air. The timer is counting down. I am salivating! As soon as the timer goes off, I carefully lift the cookies from the oven. They look perfect! I am so proud!

As I bring the warm cookie to my mouth, I savor each bite. I let the texture of the oatmeal wash over my tongue and the sweet chewiness of the raisins dance in my mouth. What a simple pleasure and it is gone in an instant. I pick up another cookie and in just a few bites, it disappears too. Oh my gosh! These are so addictive! I haven't had sugar in months and now, I am out of control!

I take just one more cookie from the baking sheet. I decide to make this one last as long as possible. Bit by bit, I pinch off tiny bites and slip them into my mouth. All my senses are stimulated as the ingredients tickle each of my taste buds. My cell phone rings and I walk away from the kitchen. It's a good thing I did otherwise, I'd have probably eaten the entire tray of cookies!

It's mid afternoon now and I'm still feeling good. My energy has slowed just a little bit, but I'm still planning to tackle a few more projects while I can. The good days far outnumber the bad days for me lately and I'm so thankful. For many months it was the other way around. I don't take these days for granted because they are such blessings. Just being able to go through my daily routine brings me such joy.

The smell of the oatmeal cookies has filled every nook and cranny. That delectable aroma is so enticing, but I'm making myself avoid the kitchen at all costs. Maybe after supper, I'll sneak just one more cookie...afterall, it's been a really good day!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

In a holding pattern

Types of holding patterns

For the past year, I've been so busy just trying to get my life back in order and to gain some sense of normalcy. It's been extremely difficult. If you've been reading my blog, you know all the challenges I've faced. But now, things have slowed down. Although I'm still going to see the oncologist, my life doesn't center around medical tests and treatment any more. It's kind of strange when that's all I've known for the past year and now, I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do. I've always been a very determined, busy person. I've always had a plan.

There was a reason for my trial. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know it was used to teach me so many things about God and about myself. I've prayed over and over again, asking God what I do next and I've gotten no answer. 

Most of the times in my life when I've prayed about something and I've heard nothing at all from God, that's been a signal for me to wait. I've learned the hard way not to move forward without His clear direction. So, right now, I continue to pray. I continue to wait and I'm in a kind of holding pattern. 

A holding pattern, according to Webster's dictionary, is defined as an oval flight pattern pilots use as they are awaiting instructions to land. The pilot, when ordered by the air traffic controller to go into a holding pattern, must immediately follow instructions. The holding pattern can be very brief or for a continued period of time until the runway is cleared of traffic and ready for the approaching plane to land.

There are many types of holding patterns. Aircraft holding patterns are for landing and take offs. And, we have spiritual holding patterns. Many times God will allow a painful situation or a painful circumstance in our life to engulf us.  This time or season in our spiritual growth is a holding pattern. We cannot move to the right or the left, all we can do is sit and wait. 

The most famous holding pattern I can think of is listed in the Bible. It's the story of a man named Jonah who learned first hand what a holding pattern looked like. God caused a great fish to swallow him up because he was disobedient to God's command. So Jonah sat in the belly of the whale. There was nothing he could do. He couldn't get out! 

God had Jonah's undivided attention and while Jonah was in the belly of the whale. God spoke to Jonah's heart and helped him understand the instructions He had given him. Jonah was all alone and all he could do was think about what God had told him and pray. When Jonah's time in the whale was up, God had the whale spit him out onto the shore. 

At this point in my life, it is clear to me that God has used cancer to place me into a holding pattern. There are three things I've learned from my experience that I'd like to share with you: 

1. The pattern has a purpose - it make take some time for me to understand what the purpose is, but there is a purpose.

2. The pattern has a plan - God did not allow this trial for nothing. He plans to use it for good in my life. 

3. The pattern has a process - the holding pattern will continue until God deems me fit to land! He has work to do during the holding pattern and when His work in me is complete, He will release me to move on with my life. He may equip me for a new ministry or challenge in the process. 

So, the best thing I can do right now, is stop struggling and start listening  intently to what God is saying. I have to remember “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory . . .”  2 Corinthians 4:17.

As I continue to circle in my holding pattern, I will continue to ask God for clear direction. I will continue to trust Him and continue to praise Him knowing that while I circle, He's working out all the details. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Natural Cancer Treatment - Frankincense Oil

In my continued quest for natural healing methods to prevent the recurrence of cancer in my body, I'd like to talk to you about some information I've found on the benefits of essential oils in healing. The oil I'd like to share with you today, is Frankincense.

Frankincense begins its journey by being tapped from the very scraggly but hardy Boswellia tree. This is achieved by slashing the bark and allowing the exuded resins to bleed out and harden. These hardened resins are known as "tears." There are numerous species and varieties of frankincense trees, each producing a slightly different type of resin. Differences in the soil and local climate will create even more diversity of the resin, even within the same species.

Frankincense trees are also considered unusual for their ability to grow in environments so unforgiving that they sometimes grow directly out of solid rock. The means of initial attachment to the stone is not known but is accomplished by a bulbous disk-like swelling of the trunk. This disk-like growth at the base of the tree prevents it from being torn away from the rock during the violent storms that frequent the region they grow in. This feature is slight or absent in trees grown in rocky soil or gravel. The tears from these hardier survivors are considered superior for their more fragrant aroma.

The trees will begin to produce their resin when they are about 8 to 10 years old. Tapping the tree for resin is done 2 to 3 times a year with the final tapsproducing the best tears due to their higher aromatic terpene, sesquiterpene and diterpene content. Generally speaking, the more opaque resins are the best quality. Dhofari frankincense (from Boswellia sacra) is said to be the best in the world, although fine resin is also produced more extensively in Yemen and along the northern coast of Somalia, from which the Roman Catholic Church draws its supplies.

For thousands of years frankincense has been used to support the immune system, fight infection and cure disease. Today the most common benefits of Frankincense include: 

Reduces Inflammation
Destroys Cancer
Spiritual Awareness
Boosts Immunity
Fights Infections
Improves Anxiety
Heals skin and reduces acne and scarring

A press release by University of Leicester in the UK rekindled the theory that the “wise men” weren’t just bringing wealth to Jesus, but medicine. According to the announcement that went out after being issued, “University of Leicester researchers discover cancer-killing properties of frankincense in ovarian cancer.” Using the compound AKBA (acetyl-11-keto-beta-boswellic acid), the Omani government-funded research has for the first time shown frankincense’s ability to target cancer cells in late-stage ovarian cancer patients. Lead researcher Kamla Al-Salmani explained: “After a year of studying the AKBA compound with ovarian cancer cell, we have been able to show it is effective at killing the cancer cells." That's exciting news!

Frankincense is taken by many people with no known side effects. This finding has enormous potential to be taken to a clinical trial in the future and developed into an additional treatment for all forms of cancer.

Frankincense can boost the immune system like no other! Two fundamental ways this is accomplished is by proliferating lymphocytes (white blood cells, which are the body’s primary defense team) and by keeping inflammation at bay (which is arguably the primary risk factor for most chronic diseases).

This information on the benefits of Frankincense gives me hope that including it into my natural healing regimen will bring only good results. Finding high quality, pure essential oil is imperative. This wasn't hard for me to do since my daughter sells DoTerra essential oils and they are very high grade. But let me warn you, these high grade essential oils are not inexpensive! I'd rather pay for a natural product, with proven healing properties, than depend on a chemically produced drug with unknown side effects.

Frankincense can be used directly on the skin when mixed with a carrier oil such as fractionated Coconut oil. It can also be ingested when placed inside gelatin capsules. You can also take Frankincense (Boswellia) as a supplement by placing a few essential oil drops under your tongue, on the roof of your mouth.

Currently, I use Frankincense essential oil on my skin. I mix it with fractionated Coconut oil and rub it on the soles of my feet twice a day. I also purchased a bag of Frankincense resin from a health food store and burn some of the "tears" daily allowing the scent to permeate my house.

As with any natural or prescription medication or treatment, you should always consult your doctor. I have discussed all of my natural healing supplements, oils, etc. with my Oncologist. Hopefully this information will be helpful to you or someone you know.

And if you've never smelled it, Frankincense smells divine!


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

One year anniversary of my diagnosis

My breast cancer flag

Today marks one year since my life totally changed. It was 4:25 p.m. when the telephone rang. As I looked at the caller ID, I knew it was the call I had been waiting to receive. Piedmont Radiology lit up in bright blue LED letters. I hesitated to pick up the phone on the first ring because that would indicate my eagerness to hear what the radiologist had to say. I waited until the third ring and answered. I didn't realize it at the time, but I held my breath as the Radiologist began..."Mrs. Annis? We have the results of your pathology reports. I'm sorry to tell you that YOU HAVE CANCER."

I don't know what she said after the words YOU HAVE CANCER. I only remember trying to process my thoughts and it seemed that suddenly, I was far, far away. The words coming through my telephone receiver sounded like words from an old Charlie Brown movie where the teacher speaks and all Charlie Brown hears is "WAH WAH WAAAH WAH, WAH, WAH, WAAAH, WAH."

The phone call didn't last long. I was thankful I was home alone. As I hung up the receiver, I was in a state of disbelief and shock. "You have CANCER." "You HAVE CANCER...YOU HAVE CANCER!!!" The words kept repeating themselves in my mind. I slowly sat down in my recliner and held my head in my hands.

Although the diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks, I had expected to hear these words. For some strange reason, God had already spoken to my spirit months ago and let me know that I did, indeed, have cancer. That is why, even in the midst of our buying a new house and moving to a different city, I kept hearing this little voice in the forefront of my mind telling me that I needed to get my breast checked. That mass I'd felt in the shower earlier in the year was something bad...something very bad.

It's hard to believe it's been a year since my diagnosis. So many things have transpired since then. Not only have I experienced major physical changes, I've experienced major emotional and spiritual changes as well.

Cancer has changed my life. For the past year, I've been on the weirdest roller coaster ride imaginable. My diagnosis started the car rolling fast and it picked up speed along the way. I whizzed into the OB/GYN's office, then into diagnostic testing, then up the hill toward biopsies. An even steeper climb lead me to the breast surgeon and on to surgery...then, plummeting down the hill of painful recovery and treatment. Up and down, up and down, twists and turns, faster and faster...seemingly out of control! And now, the roller coaster ride is finally slowing down enough for me to be able to see what's around the bend.

A lot of people don't like the words "cancer journey," but I think those are very fitting words to describe the life of a Christian in the midst of the trials associated with cancer. A journey is moving from one place to another and that's exactly how I've viewed breast cancer. It has helped me realize so many things about myself and has also helped me see that life and every moment contained therein, is absolutely precious. It has taken me from a place of routine and comfort to a place of wonder. Learning to live in the moment has become my new motto, and I have cancer to thank for that. I never realized how much I took for granted before my diagnosis.

As I look over this last year, I would have to say I've learned the lessons I was supposed to, and I have become a much richer person. Oh, I'm not perfect by any means! I’m still occasionally moody. I’m still an über-type-A personality. I find that I still take some days for granted but I try to focus on my many blessings.

It's amazing how, when suddenly faced with our impending mortality, we get a more clear understanding of what is really important in life. I have learned that God, family, friendship and love are truly all that matter.

In the year since I began my cancer journey, God has provided encouragement and support through the most incredible people and under the most unlikely circumstances. Because of the realization that at any moment the battle that we have so strongly, so bravely, and so valiantly fought, can end, we grab hold of these friendships and we hang on…sometimes for dear life. Amazingly, it’s as if the normal societal niceties, all of those rules that are normally expected when establishing friendships, are forgotten. Why waste time on petty banter and getting to know one another in the typical way? Cancer has helped me realize that time is of the essence!

I've learned to look more closely at the person's heart instead of their outer appearance. I try to see people through the eyes of God. It's so freeing to learn to be nonjudgmental! Instead of trying to figure someone out, I just take the attitude, "Hey! You like me and I like you, so let's be friends!" And it works.

I've been blessed with some wonderful friends. Friends I have connected with instantaneously and have loved deeply. Then there were those I didn’t know well, but mourned over when cancer claimed them...both of them young mothers who fought valiantly - Christina Newman and Kara Tippetts. There were also those with which I had very close personal relationships. These ladies were taken much too soon: My mother in law, Annie Annis, my dear sweet friend, Rachel Ross, and another dear friend, Debbie Jackson. These ladies allowed their relationships with God to carry them through cancer and gave me such a clear picture of trust and faith.

And here I sit. I have survived. Sometimes it seems so unfair. My approaching "Cancerversary," which occurs on July 9, (the day when the cancer was actually removed from my body), which by rights, should be a happy occasion, is bittersweet. It is tempered with the knowledge that, while I have survived my fight and face this upcoming milestone, many I have known and loved have lost their war. For me not to be overjoyed with my life is to do them all an incredible dishonor. These brave warriors I have had the fortune of knowing, may have left me in body, but I know they have not left me in spirit.

No one knows or understands why God allows some people to experience the trial of cancer and some to escape it, but I can tell you this, without my faith, I would never have made it through this first year. Without my family's love and support, I would have surely succumbed to a deep, dark depression and would have probably lost all hope.

Breast cancer is the most difficult trial I've faced to date...no, that's not really true...it has been the hardest, most EXTREMELY challenging period of my life. Every single day, I've had to choose to be optimistic. I've had to choose and hold on to hope. I've had to push through the pain. Some days all I can do is pray and ask God to give me strength to get through the day and He always does.

I've found strength in memorizing verses from the Bible. I've pasted them all over the walls of my house, on my computer screen, and on my cell phone so I can see them daily. One of my favorites is Phillipians 4:13, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."

As I look back on the day I was diagnosed, even though it was a very difficult day, I can truly say I am thankful. That's a hard concept to grasp if you don't understand how important my faith is to me. You might wonder how anyone could ever be thankful to have been diagnosed with cancer and I hope I can help you gain a clearer understanding.

Before I was diagnosed, I had a good life. I was happily married, I had 4 kids, I had 7 grandchildren, I had a good job, I had a loving church family, and things were going along just fine. Everything was routine and safe and secure....I knew I was blessed but I took a lot for granted. I didn't thank God every morning He allowed me to wake up. I didn't count my minutes as precious. I just pretty much went through the day doing what I normally did and was happy doing it.

When cancer came along, everything changed. It was a HUGE wakeup call. It was a second chance at life. It was like a DO OVER! It was like God was saying, "Okay, you've been going along pretty well and enjoying your life, now how about waking up and seeing things the way I see them???" (forgive me for "putting words in God's mouth, but that's what I felt him saying to my heart.) That's when it hit me. I hadn't realized how very blessed I had been.

Now, each morning when I wake up and hear the birds singing outside my window, I immediately stop and give thanks. If the birds begin to sing and praise God at the very break of day, why shouldn't I?

The Bible says in Luke 12:48, "...From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has allowed me to go through this cancer journey for a reason. It wasn't a fluke. It wasn't a coincidence. It wasn't a mistake. It was chosen specifically by God to mold me and make me into His image. I haven't learned all the lessons He wants to teach me yet, but I'm trying to be an attentive student.

Who knows what my life would have looked like over the past year if I had not begun that insanely wild and crazy ride on the cancer rollercoaster. I imagine it would have been pretty routine and even mundane at times.

When I was much younger, I used to love going to Six Flags over Georgia and riding the rollercoasters. I loved the excitement as the cars began that slow climb up the hill and then the whoosh of air and the rush of speed as the car made a quick descent down the first big hill. Hands in the air, I knew the destination. I knew the ride would be rapid and short. I knew it would be filled with gasps of excitement and small moments of fear as my stomach seemed to jump into my throat, but with breast cancer, the ride has been more intense...more devastating, more challenging and more fulfilling. 

Sometimes I don't know if a big hill is coming or a new twist is around the corner but I do know the destination. I know eventually I'll be in the presence of God and He'll allow me to ask all the questions that needed answers. I can't wait to have that talk with Him and hear exactly why He chose cancer as a tool to grow me into more Christ-likeness. I hope to hear Him say that I passed the test with flying colors because that will have made the ride worthwhile.

One year. It has passed by in the blink of an eye. On July 9, I will celebrate one year of being cancer free. I can honestly call myself a Breast Cancer Survivor on that day. Some people choose to celebrate their "cancerversary" on the day they were diagnosed but I think it's more fitting to celebrate the day the cancer was removed from my body.

The ride is not over just yet. I still have hills to climb. There are doctors' appointments splattered all throughout my calendar along with many diagnostic tests but that's okay. Those doctors are all helping to make sure I don't have a recurrence. I'm looking forward to the day when I hear them say, "Bonnie, you're NED today!" (N.E.D means "no evidence of disease.") That's the day I'll really whoop and holler! That's the day, the cancer ride will have come to an end for me. And I'll be so very thankful the ride is finally over. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Bobbing for Boobs

 Yesterday I got a wild hair. Have you ever had one of those? Hubby and I had been stuck indoors for days due to heavy rains and I was tired of it! The sun had finally come out and was shining bright. Everything was drying under the warm summer sun so I said, "Let's go for a hike!" So Hubs and put on our sneakers, grabbed a couple of bottled waters and headed out.

We drove to a nearby nature area. I grabbed my camera (I always have to have my camera with me) and started toward the entrance of the park. We noticed there weren't many cars in the parking lot yet, so it should be easy to get to the trails quickly. Water bottles were tucked into my husband's pants pockets and off we went.

The weather was gorgeous! A bright blue sky with large, white puffy clouds was directly above us. Just off to the side of the trail, there were lush, green plants and on the other side of us was a beautiful river. The beginning of the trail was covered with tree roots and we had to watch our step carefully as it began to meander up and over hills. As we kept moving along, we faced a few more challenges as the trail became steeper and covered in rocks or descended fording small streams. We were so happy to be outdoors, we didn't pay much attention to the temperature but I did notice that I was beginning to "glisten" (Southern Belles don't sweat, they glisten!) and felt my shirt becoming a little damp.

We took a breather upon a large boulder and drank some water. As we stood there, marveling at the beauty of God's creation, we saw a large Great Blue Heron near the water's edge. Quickly, I set up my camera and took the shot...it was perfect! We lingered there a little longer as several other hikers came down the trail and then we decided to move on.

As we came to the end of the first trail, we realized we'd done about 2 miles already according to the park map. We turned around and headed toward the other end of the park so we could catch a new trail and head toward some Civil War ruins. As we continued traversing the roots and rocks, I realized my energy level was starting to wane.

On our way down the trail, we saw families with their little ones playing in the water. There were rope swings and other places for the children to enjoy themselves. We smiled and kept walking. We had a nice rhythm going and didn't want to break our stride.

We walked for over 2 hours and when we had completed every trail in the park, we'd logged about 6 miles of hiking. We meandered out of the park and toward our car. By that time, I was really hot and really tired. The back of my neck was wringing wet and my husband was sweating profusely. As soon as we got into the car, I turned on the air conditioning full blast.

When we got home, I told hubs that I needed to change clothes. I was sticky and wanted to freshen up. I had to ask for help removing my shirt and then, as I slipped my bra and prostheses off, I noticed the inside of my bra (the part that touched my skin) was dirty and damp. The prostheses had slipped out of their place and had gotten a little dirty too. I realized at that point it I shouldn't have worn them, but I was self conscious without them, so I did.

I slid the prostheses out of their pockets in my mastectomy bra and threw the bra in the washer. As I held the fake boobs in my hands, their silicone shape was slimy feeling. I remembered, when I bought them, being told they were washable. I pulled out the instruction manual to read how to do it. The manual said to wash them gently in warm, soapy water and then pat them dry and return them to their cases.

In the bathroom, I filled up the sink with warm water and added a little soap. I was afraid to wash my "girls" for fear of puncturing them so I took my rings off. These things were almost $600 and I definitely didn't want to pop a hole in one of them! Gently, I slid the first breast form into the water. it slipped under the bubbles and then bobbed back up! There in the midst of the bubbles, I saw a pale pinkish tan nipple looking up at me. I'd never noticed that before. There was a flat impression of a nipple on the form. I wondered why it was there because when inserted in the mastectomy bra, it couldn't be seen anyway. Maybe it was just a mental mind game for the wearer of the prosthetic.

Looking at the breast forms moving around in the water, I was suddenly reminded of a childhood memory. It was almost Halloween and we were at a neighbor's house about to begin playing Halloween games. The game I hated most was bobbing for apples. Every time we bent our heads down to grasp the apple, the apple would dip down and slide away. It was a very frustrating game!

The silicone forms were slippery when wet and it was hard to hold onto them. As I tried to wash the first one, it slipped through my fingers more than once. It was like trying to hold onto a slippy, slidey bar of wet soap. Finally, I got the hang of it. This was my first time washing them. I'd had these forms for over a year. Actually, I had never needed to wash them because I had only worn them once or twice before and had never worn them hiking in the summer.

So now, the girls are lying on a hand towel on my bathroom counter as they dry. They look funny lying there. I'm glad my husband is at work so he doesn't have to see them. I think the next time I go hiking, these things are going to stay home in their little pink boxes right where they belong. Sweaty Silicone is not attractive, not in the least.

It's a good thing there's not a game called "Bobbing for Boobs." Number one, I don't think it would be appropriate for children to play. Number two, I think men would enjoy it too much. Number three, the silicone prostheses would probably incur a lot of collateral damage. And number four, it just seems kind of silly, don't you think?

© bonnie annis all rights reserved