His Grace is enough

 Oh readers! I have so much to share today. God has been teaching me so many important truths as I've journeyed through the trial of Breast Cancer. As you've read, I'm sure you've been able to tell if I was having a good day or a bad day...if I was walking in the flesh or in the spirit. I am human. I have not always pleased God in the ways I've responded to this season of suffering, but He has been so gracious to me. In His love and mercy, He's been patiently waiting for me to understand His purposes. He's allowed me to fall into the deepest pits of despair, and He's lifted me out with His mighty, strong arm. Today, I was given a glimpse into a Scripture I've read thousands of times over, but today, I understood it as it related to my own personal journey and I'd like to share just a little of that with you. 

In 2 Corinthians chapter 12, Paul is speaking to the Corinthians trying to help them understand God's grace. Listen to what he says: " But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" 2 Corinthians 12:9Amplified Bible (AMP) 

Isn't that powerful?! God says His grace is ENOUGH! It's not too much or too little, it's perfectly enough...exactly what we need, when we need it and He knows exactly how much that is because He loves us so very much. Did you catch the next part of the verse? It says it "enables you to bear the trouble manfully"... But if you keep reading, you'll see that our strength and power comes from Christ. It isn't our strength that gets us through trials and tribulations, it's His strength! The part I love the most is the part where he says "My strength and power are made PERFECT and show themselves MOST EFFECTIVE in your weakness." Wow! 

God's grace has been ENOUGH to sustain me, to guide me, to protect me, and to teach me during this whole Breast Cancer ordeal. From the very first time I felt the mass in my breast until just a few minutes ago, God has decided exactly how much grace I'd need at the very moment I needed it. He never gave me an overabundance of grace and said, "save some of that grace so you can use it tomorrow or next week," no! He gave me just enough to get me through that exact situation, that exact trial, in His perfect timing too. 

So, what else do I have to say about the fact that God's grace is enough? Well, I can only say that I agree with Paul. Even though he suffered terribly and was treated unkindly over and over again, God was there with Him. He saw the suffering. He saw the trials. He knew exactly what Paul needed and that was grace. Paul knew that God's grace gave him the strength to bear the trials God allowed to come into his life. When he understood that clearly, he was able to not only accept his trials but to GLORY in them! Glory??? Yes, the Amplified version of the Bible says he will "all the more gladly glory in weaknesses and infirmities." Now, it's pretty awesome when you can thank God when you're going through some sort of trying time but to GLORY in them, that's downright amazing! But, if you really understand how God's grace IS SUFFICIENT, then you can be thankful when trials come. You can be okay when you experience physical suffering. I speak from personal experience! I have hurt so much physically that I have cried and pleaded and begged God to take the pain away from me but, He hasn't. He has allowed me to go through it with the power of His grace. When I've finally come to a point where I realized that my struggling against the trial wasn't doing me any good whatsoever, I learned to lean back into His grace and just relax knowing that everything was going to be okay and that He was taking good care of me. 

The last part of that verse, "that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" nearly jumped off the page at me when I read it! I'm a visual person and I'm also a camper. I don't camp in an RV, I camp in a tent and when I camp, there's nothing between me and bad weather or dangerous animals but a thin sheet of nylon material. But even with that thin layer of nylon over me, I feel safe and secure. That's the visual I got when I read the last part of this verse...I visualized God's grace resting over me like a tent...enveloping me, protecting me, covering me. So now can you understand how Paul, or how I, can say we glory in our weaknesses or infirmities? It's because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what God allows into our lives, He's going to provide just ENOUGH grace to get us through it! He's going to be there...HIS GRACE WILL NOT ONLY BE ENOUGH, IT WILL BE SUFFICIENT. He knows exactly how much we need and when we need it. Isn't that so reassuring? 

When your next trial comes, don't be overcome with despair. Rest knowing that God's grace will be sufficient for you. And maybe, just maybe, you'll even look at your trial and glory in it. It won't be easy the first time or two, but let me tell you...when you get to the point where you can look at physical suffering, trials, or tribulations through the eyes of Christ, you'll see that EVERYTHING He allows into your life is for your benefit and will be a teaching tool. His grace will be enough to get you through the death of a loved one, an unexpected illness, a painful surgery...even through Cancer. It will be exactly ENOUGH...no less, no more, and that's because He loves you, my friend, more than you'll ever know!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Crying over Rudolph

The weeks before Christmas, during prime time, there are so many Christmas television shows on for children. Some of them are new productions and then there are the old classics like "A Charlie Brown Christmas," or "Frosty the Snowman," or one of my favorites, "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer." I don't have little ones in my home any longer so we rarely turn on these holiday cartoons, but the other nite I was channel surfing and stumbled upon the airing of the Rudolph. In just an instant, I was transported back to my childhood.

Christmas was my favorite holiday hands down. I loved everything about it! I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, driving through the neighborhood to look at lights, singing carols, you name it, I loved it! As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the "Wanna Be Dentist" searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble, I could almost hear my mom’s voice saying, "Rudolph is on tonite!” I could just about hear my brother, sister and I respond with loud, childish voices in a resounding “Yeaaaaaahhh” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. As those memories came flooding back, my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall.

How could I be crying over an animated children's movie? I felt like an idiot! But suddenly I realized what the tears were really about. The emotions of remembering were too real...I felt sad about the loss of childhood innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying meant and before I understood the word "Cancer." I thought about how simple life was back then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was...the sights, the smells, the sounds...and yes, even Santa. I did believe in Santa!

I remembered drafting letter after letter to Santa as I revised it over and over again in hopes my list of wants could somehow fit into my parents' meager budget. When I finally got my letter perfected, I went and took it to my mother so she could deliver it to the jolly old man for me. Occasionally, when we could, we'd leave some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was hard to drag myself up the stairs and into bed on the night before Christmas. I can still hear the sounds of my Daddy working to put together our bikes or some other toy as he and my mom talked in hushed, frustrated whispers hoping we were already fast asleep.

The next morning, my siblings and I would hurry down the stairs to see the tree laden with presents. We'd empty out our stockings while we waited for our sleep deprived parents to dress and come into the living room. In the blink of an eye, I was there once again...

It's funny how something like a Christmas movie can spark so many memories...good, wholesome childhood memories when life was so much simpler. Today the holidays are harder. As an adult, there are so many things that seem to weigh us down...the loss of morality in our nation, the rampant crime and evil, the heavy things like homelessness and hunger...a world that revolves around the almighty dollar...all the things that a child never had to think about. I long for the innocence again. I remembered what that was like for just one tiny moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..

But then, I heard the song, "We're a couple of Misfits," and my heart skipped a beat! That's it! That's me! I'm a misfit! I certainly haven't felt like I've fit in lately. I still struggle. As I watched Rudolph and Herbie singing their song, I had to smile. I felt a little better! Taking a step back into my childhood had provided a little affirmation for me. Thanks, Rudolph, for reminding me that being different is okay. Christmas is just a little more than a week away and I'm starting to get a little giddy. I still love Christmas and can't wait for it to get here! 

We're a couple of Misfits video

What I'm thinking:
This Christmas will be so very different from all the others. It will be a time of gratitude and thanksgiving. I wasn't sure I'd be here for this Christmas. In May, when I received my diagnosis, I thought I'd been given a death sentence. As each new day comes, I thank God for allowing me to open my eyes and get out of bed. I never realized how much I took things for granted before. Cancer is a great big wake up call and I never thought it would take something like that to make me "get it," but I'm glad I did.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Returning to normal?

I can't tell you how many times lately I've heard someone say," just wait until things get back to normal...or "just wait until you finish treatment, then you'll start getting back to normal." But what is NORMAL??? And why should I feel like I have to return to it? Even the word NORMAL indicates going back to something and there's absolutely no way I can ever go back to my life before cancer...NO WAY. It's not that I wouldn't love to go back to life before cancer, that would be amazing, but, I have to be realistic. I have to move forward from where I am right now. Cancer has left an indelible mark on me. The physical and emotional scars don't ever leave, but they do change everything.

Many people think that the difficult part of the cancer journey ends as soon as treatment stops, but that's hardly true. I can attest to the fact that my emotions are still haywire, my body still hurts, and I don't know if I'll ever feel good again. While I'd love to be able to bounce back quickly, I am more inclined to think it's going to be a long, hard road to recovery. It's difficult to explain to family and friends, because they only see the exterior. They don't see anything that I don't want them to see. I can hide my physical scars well. The emotional scars are a little more difficult to hide, but I've learned to camouflage them when needed. Even though the treatment is over (for the most part), I still need support and understanding. I still need people to be patient with me.

It would be so nice if doctors and support staff would take time to really explain what to expect after treatment ends, but instead, we're left figure it out on our own.  Thankfully, the women who've traveled the breast cancer journey before, have taken time to share vital information about the reality of aftercare. It's very helpful to have someone tell the truth about physical symptoms and side effects and it's easy to believe because we know they've been there. But each journey is different and no one can prepare you for your own journey. Every day I learn something new about recovery and every day I realize it's a little more complicated than I had first thought it would be.

There's something strange about having breast cancer...all of a sudden you feel a kindred spirit with other breast cancer survivors, even people you've never met. The internet is a wonderful place to build camaraderie. There are many Facebook support sites and ways to connect to other breast cancer patients. Sometimes it's good to find others who can relate to the exact stage of treatment you're currently going through and other times, it's challenging. For example, I've found several women who've documented their entire breast cancer journey through VLOGS (video web logs). Daily they'll post how they're feeling, how treatment is going, what their challenges are, what they've overcome, etc. At first, those VLOGS were a huge blessing and helped me not feel so alone, but last month, one of those ladies passed away. I had watched her VLOGS for months and months and felt like I knew her as my own personal friend. We chatted a few times and sent each other encouraging Facebook messages. Week after week, I could see a very real physical change in Christina. It wasn't hard to see that she would die soon. I was prepared for it, or so I thought. When her husband announced her death, I was devastated. This young woman, not yet 40, with two young daughters, had died. I cried for her. I cried for her children and for her husband. I also cried for me. I cried for me because I knew that one day there was a very real possibility that I could be exactly where she was, with metastatic cancer at the end of my life. Now that Christina is gone, her family continues the VLOGS but I can't bear to watch them any longer. They wanted their viewers to be able to keep up with the lives of the little girls but I just can't. It's too difficult to watch and remember Christina.

Now I'm watching another breast cancer survivor's VLOG. She's also metastatic. The cancer is in her bones and her brain. She has 4 young children and a loving husband who is a pastor. But this VLOG is different. Kara and her husband are Christians. They use their videos as a ministry. They want others to see and understand that even in hard times, God is there. This one is easier to watch, or it has been up until this week. Yesterday, I could see the same thing in Kara that I'd seen in Christina during the last week of her life. There's a different look in their eyes, a kind of "going home" look. Kara isn't 40 yet either and it makes me so sad to know another family will soon be devastated.

When I watch and listen to these survivors, I can't help but think when will it be me? That's one of the biggest fears of a breast cancer survivor...the fear of recurrence. I know as a Christian, I'm not supposed to be afraid, but sometimes, it's hard not to be. And that's where I realize that nothing will ever be NORMAL again. It will always be challenging and different.

As I look at my Christmas tree and all the twinkling lights and beautiful ornaments, I wonder if I'll be here for the next Christmas. I'm not a morbid person but I do wonder. On my tree, I have photos of family members who've passed away. I hang them there to remember them year after year. When I look at them, I cry. That's another thing that breast cancer patients deal with, emotions that sneak up on you. Anything or nothing can make me cry and when it happens, it's overwhelming. Sometimes you feel like you're losing it. I can't help but wonder when there will be a photo of me on the tree...one for my family members to remember me by...I know what you're thinking..."well, that's just not NORMAL!" And no, it isn't. That's my whole point. I want you to realize that I'm not NORMAL any longer and never will be again. Things have drastically changed and things will never be the same...but no one said they can't be better and my hope is that they will be...one day.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stop it!

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25
  
I have been feeling rather anxious lately. In fact, for the past 6 months, I've felt anxious. I've been worrying about a lot of things, some with good reason and some only figments of my imagination, but the worrying has taken control of me. Today, I decided it has to stop. 

The dictionary defines anxiety [ang-zahy-i-tee] as distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune, an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. I've had this nagging feeling that something horrible was going to happen for some time now. So I wasn't all that surprised when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I just knew, when I found the mass in my breast, that it wasn't going to be a good thing. That was a legitimate reason to worry or be concerned. But what about all those anxious thoughts I've had since my surgery? What about those thoughts that maybe, just maybe, they didn't get all of the cancer cells? What about those thoughts that one day, perhaps in the very near future, they'll find a new tumor somewhere else in my body? All of those "what ifs" have been driving me mad! Those feelings, or "evil forebodings," as the Bible calls them, have gained a foothold in my life. 

The Bible tells me that I'm not to let my heart be troubled, distressed or agitated. I'm not only not supposed to let my heart be troubled, I'm not supposed to let it be afraid either. Listen to the Amplified version of John 14:27 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid." (Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.) In other words, Jesus is telling me to, "STOP IT!"

I don't know why I struggle so much with anxiety and worry. I've done it all of my life. I guess I've felt that if I worried long and hard enough, maybe my efforts would pay off in some way. What a lie! My worrying has done absolutely nothing but make me spend valuable time focusing on something that I had absolutely no control over! So, I decided that instead of wasting my time, I'd do some research. I'd dig a little deeper to see what the Bible had to say about anxiety.

In 1 Peter 3:4, the Bible says "... a gentle and peaceful spirit...(is not anxious or wrought up, but) is very precious in the sight of God. So, wait a minute! God didn't need my help with the problem, or perceived problem? He didn't need all my worrying? No! He wanted me to RELAX and focus on the good things He wants to give me. In Phillipians chapter 4, verses 4,6, and 7, I'm reminded to REJOICE. I'm not to FRET or have ANXIETY about anything. I'm supposed to give thanks in everything and when I do that, I will receive God's PEACE! 

So why was I worrying? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that when I worry, I'm usually thinking about something in the past, that's already done and gone, or something in the future that hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't focusing on the here and now. There was the problem! I needed to fix my mind on what was going on right this minute. 

A dear friend of mine told me several months ago, during a phone conversation when I was sharing something I was really worried about with her, an important truth. She listened patiently to my worrying and didn't say a word. Then she said, "Bonnie, look down at your feet." Although I didn't say it, I was thinking, "what??? what do you want me to do? Why do you want me to look at my feet? I'm trying to explain to you this problem that is weighing heavily on my mind." But instead of speaking a word to her, I looked down at my feet. I heard her voice on the other end of the phone saying, "are you doing it? Did you look down at your feet?" I replied, "yes." And she said, "good! Now tell me, where are you right now?" I said, "I'm right here in my living room." She told me that my problem was that I wasn't focusing on exactly what was going on at that very moment. I wasn't remembering where I was...I wasn't in the present! I wasn't in the here and now! WOW! As I thought about what she was saying, it made tremendous sense. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. This was the key to my problem with worry and anxiety. When I learned to just let go and focus on that exact moment, there was no cause for worry. I was just learning to BE. She was reminding me of Ecclesiastes 5:1 and I don't think she even knew it. "Keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing)..." She was teaching me to be a NOW person! Suddenly it all made sense! When I allowed my mind to be filled with worry, I "was borrowing" trouble (to quote my grandmother). 

Too often we spend our time in the past or in the future. That's why I'm not good at multi-tasking any longer. Just the other night, I was hurrying to get ready for bed and began brushing my teeth. While I was brushing my teeth, I was thinking about what I planned to do as soon as I finished brushing my teeth. As I was thinking, I reached into my bathroom drawer to take out the tube of toothpaste but instead of grabbing the toothpaste, I grabbed an antibiotic cream. Just as I was about to squeeze it onto my toothbrush, I realized it wasn't toothpaste! I was trying to hurry and finish one thing so I could get to the next thing. I wasn't focusing on what I was doing at the time. 

So what does it mean when the Bible says I'm to "keep my foot?" I think it means I'm supposed to stay focused and balanced! I'm supposed to think about what I'm doing right now and not focus on what might happen in the next few minutes, days or months. I think it means that I'm supposed to remember where I am and not think about past issues or events. There's a verse in Matthew that sums it up nicely, "Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

Instead of worrying and stressing and being anxious, what am I supposed to do??? STOP IT! I'm supposed to just chill out...calm down...relax! Instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the what ifs, I'm going to look down at my feet. I'm going to remember where I am and what I'm doing at that very minute. I'm going to learn from the past and prepare for the future, but I'm going to live in the present. I'm not going to allow Satan to use worry and fear to control me. There's one more verse in the Bible that I need to share with you here - "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7. It's not my job to handle the problems...it's God's job. When I can let go of my desire to "do something" to help Him out, I'll be a whole lot better off and you will too! So in closing, I'd like to say, "STOP IT!" I'd also like you to promise me you'll take about 6 minutes of your time to watch this little video by Bob Newhart. (The link to the video is below this post.) It's funny but it's filled with truth. I downloaded it and I keep in on my computer so I can play it back for myself often. It's a wonderful reminder when I find myself tempted to start worrying again. Perhaps you'll want to save it to your computer too. Enjoy and remember, worrying and feeling anxious don't solve anything, they just give you something to do to keep busy. Life is too short to waste a single minute, so relax and enjoy it! Watch Bob Newhart's skit "Stop It!" 

@bonnie annis all rights reserved

A little bit Grinchy

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized today is December 10th...that means Christmas is only fifteen days away! Fifteen days! If I were feeling like my old self, the crafty, creative, person I once used to be...I'd be busy...very, very busy. I'd be baking and knitting and shopping galore, I'd be wrapping and packing and crafting some more. I'd be hanging up tinsel and things on the tree, I'd be happy and merry and laughing with glee. But Christmas this year has been quite a chore...at least I did hang a wreath on the door. My tree is put up and the lights twinkle nicely, but something is wrong, my heart feels quite "ice-ly." I'm achy and cranky and not quite like ME. I think I'm a Grinch, though I don't want to be! Why can't this year be like all the years past? Where things went so smoothly and life was a blast? This year should be special and different you say? But let's face reality, we can, if we may.............okay, I've run out of rhymes, so here's the truth...

Though I can't do what I once did in the past. I've done what I could. When my family comes to visit on Christmas day, hopefully they'll realize things had to be different this year. All my "want to-s" didn't quite make it into action. Instead of getting all tangled up in long lines at the store, Amazon offered a very viable option for me. With the help of the postal service, the gifts I chose were delivered right to my door. There's a lot less to wrap and put under the tree, but this year is different, so very different, you see.

I have been feeling a little Grinchy lately. I've felt like I just wanted to scoop up all of the trappings of Christmas and store them away. It's very overwhelming to feel like I have to perform as I have in years past, especially since it's only been 5 months since my surgery. My body is still healing. It reminds me daily. I'm not as young as I used to be and I'm not as energetic either and that's okay. At least I'm still here and I can celebrate with my family and that's all that matters. My tiny Grinch heart is growing bigger by the minute, I can feel it!

But there’s hope for all of us Grinches. In Dr. Seuss’ story, the Grinch was amazed to discover that despite his attempts to stop Christmas, it “came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes and bags.” He learned a lesson seemingly lost on many of us: “Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas … perhaps … means a little bit more.”
Suddenly, the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes bigger. He turned from his grinchy ways. He brought back all the presents he had stolen and every Who down in Whoville forgave him. They gave the Grinch the seat of honor at their Christmas feast and even let him carve the roast beast.

Perhaps as the next few weeks go by, I'll find that my "Grinchiness" has disappeared. I have so much to be thankful for this year and not only do I want to shift my focus from what I can't do to what I can, I want to let the main thing be the main thing. Christmas isn't about gifts, boxes, and bows. It doesn't matter if my home looks amazing with all of the "Better Homes and Garden's" type decorations everywhere. It's about the birth of our Savior, Jesus, and that's what we celebrate. We celebrate the most wonderful gift of all...the gift that doesn't come from a store...oh, no...the gift that means just a little bit more.

©bonnie annis all right reserved

Little pricks

This past summer, my daughter gave me several plants. Among them was a cute little cactus. I've never owned a cactus and I was happy to try my hand at raising a succulent. I've taken good care of my little cactus and have watched it grow over the past few months. When the weather turned cold, I brought it inside to keep it warm, after all, succulents thrive in warm environments, right? I took my little cactus and placed him in the sunniest spot in the house hoping he'd be happy there and left him to bask in the sunlight.

A few days ago, when some of my family came to visit, I went to move my cactus. I didn't want my little granddaughter to reach up and touch it now that she was tall enough to see over the table top. I had several plants all grouped together in that one sunny spot, so I began moving them one by one. When it came time for me to move the cactus, somehow I tripped and sent the plant flying through the air. As I reached to catch it, instead of grabbing the plant by the pot, I grabbed it by the head of the plant which was covered with tiny little needles. Immediately I felt intense shooting pain! The sharp little needles had embedded themselves into my fingers. Have you ever seen one of those cartoons where the dog runs into a cactus and immediately pulls back with his snout all covered in prickly needles? That's exactly how I felt! One minute everything was fine and the next minute it was complete chaos!

I ran to get a pair of tweezers while holding my needle encrusted hand limply as I hurried. My daughter was kind enough to take the tweezers from me and begin the process of removing every tiny little needle one by one. Those little suckers hurt! It took all I could do to keep from crying and I had to bite my lip to keep from shouting out expletives. After several minutes, the last cactus needle was removed from my hand. I was amazed at how something so tiny, almost invisible to the eye, could hurt so much.

Wondering why cacti have needles, I began searching on the internet. I found out that the needles are actually called spikes and they are a protective part of the cactus plant. Since cacti contain water, the needles or spikes, protect the plant from predatory animals who may come seeking a drink. They also provide shade for the cactus. Cacti were created by God to be incredibly sturdy, thriving in harsh environmental conditions. They usually grow in dry arid places and where temperatures vary from extreme heat during the day to extreme cold at night. These and other conditions are some of the hardships cacti bear. I was amazed at all I learned about cacti. 

As I pondered all that I'd learned about cacti, I realized my life was very similar to that of a cactus, especially this year. I had been through extremely harsh conditions with my breast cancer. I had put up my protective wall of needles at first to keep people at bay. I did not want to be touched for fear of being physically harmed. As my body was healing, I had to protect myself. It was too risky to be vulnerable. I had to keep my tough exterior up...I had to let everyone know that I was okay. But soon I learned I could let down my guard. I learned it was okay to cry. I lowered my protective wall of needles and let others in to help me and when I did, they surrounded me with their love. Not only did my family and friends love me despite my tough exterior, God loved me too. I experienced times of spiritual dryness and but also times of a spiritual monsoon. Many times I felt forgotten and alone but other times, I felt so very close to God. I had not shriveled up and died in the heat, the stressful hard times of my recovery instead, I had managed to stay alive. Not only did I stay alive, I thrived. All those prickly little needles from my cactus plant hurt tremendously, but they reminded me that my life, like the cactus, had managed to thrive even in the toughest conditions. 

My little cactus is a daily reminder that God has allowed me to suffer this year, not only from those prickly little cactus needles sticking me all over my fingers, but through the ordeal of cancer. In His Word, I am reminded too, that my suffering won't last forever. It will be used for reasons that only God can conceive and understand. The length of time He allows me to continue on in this trial is up to Him, but I know after it's all said and done, I'll be perfected and made stronger. His Word tells me this is true and I can't help but believe!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.

1 Peter 5:10

Where's my happiness?

Most of my readers know I've drastically cut down on my writing. Instead of blogging once a day, I cut it down to once a week and now I feel like I don't have anything to say at all. Perhaps it's just writer's block or perhaps it's just the sheer frustration of having to sit down at the computer and try to come up with something witty to say. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Something is different in me. Since my surgery, I don't feel the same. Something has drastically changed. I notice it. My husband notices it and those who know me well notice it. I can't pinpoint what it is but it's something. I've always been so happy go lucky. I've always been gung ho to plan something on the spur of the moment. I was the one who took chances. Now I feel strangely different.

There's a movie my children and grandchildren love to watch at Christmas. It's called "Noel." The movie is about a red shiny Christmas ornament named Noel. Noel lives in a box with other glass ornaments but something is very different about him...he's always full of happiness. When the other ornaments in the box gripe and complain at being taken out year after year and hung on the tree, Noel is always excited. When the lid on her box is lifted and he is gently removed from his home Noel squeals with glee. The story continues year after year with new families coming to live in the house where Noel's box of ornaments reside. Over the years, the ornaments receive chips and dings when not handled with care. Some of the ornaments are broken and discarded. Noel, survives throughout years and years of families who hang her on the tree at Christmas. But one year, he falls from the tree and breaks. As he falls, he lands right at the foot of the Christmas tree and sees a tiny nativity scene. It is there that Noel realizes something is vastly wonderful and different. As he breaks into many shattered piece of glass, his inner happiness is released and he flies off into oblivion content to be happy and fulfilled inside. As he glides away, he says, "my name is Noel and I have a happiness!" That movie, with its simple message of Christmas joy, continues to be one of my grandchildren's favorites. Perhaps it's because Noel is always positive, always happy no matter what his circumstances are...he just keeps smiling.

As I thought about Noel today, I realized maybe my happiness is missing. This is the time of year I love most. I love decorating. I love seeing Christmas plays. I love singing carols. I love being in church and celebrating Christ's birth. Why do I feel so blah? I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I stay holed up in my house. I still feel so self conscious about not having my breasts. I know I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. How long does it take for this feeling of hopelessness to pass? Why am I letting my lack of breasts dictate my life? I don't have answers. I am very frustrated.

This past weekend, some of my very dear friends drove all the way from Lawrenceville to see us. We don't get to see them often, but when we do it is such a joy. We met for lunch and exchanged Christmas gifts. We had a very nice time but I wasn't my usual chipper self. After lunch, my friend wanted to go shopping. Normally, I would have been eager to go but this time, I wasn't. We did go into one craft store together but instead of looking all through the store like I used to do, I just got what I needed and left. I know my friends must have been baffled at my lack of enthusiasm for shopping, especially at this time of year, but I just wasn't up to it. Even after 4 1/2 months, my body still hurts. I can't seem to get used to the physical limitations. I'm finding I have to take breaks often. Another cancer survivor told me I would have to learn to listen to my body. It's hard to hear your body say, "Get me out of here...I'm ready to give up." It's really challenging to be in constant pain. I feel like Noel when he off the tree and shattered.

I'm not a negative person. It hurts me to be writing this post today, because the people who know me well know I'm not like this. I'm trying, really I am. I've decorated my house for Christmas, although it is a far cry from what I have always done in the past...but I did try. I haven't wanted to go out to shop...not once. I did order a few things on the internet for my Texas grands, but that's it.

My happiness is still deep inside of me. I know I haven't lost it completely, but it isn't the same as it once was...this Christmas will be very different for me. I know when the kids and grandkids come to visit, they'll bring their wonderful energy and joy. They'll fill the house up with happiness that I'm missing right now. Maybe that little boost of enthusiasm will spark something deep inside and allow my happiness to flow free again.

Please don't misunderstand, my happiness comes from Jesus and I know I'll never lose that but I'm just having a tough time this year. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I need to give myself more time for my body to heal and begin to feel better. Maybe things will be very different in another month or two...I sure hope so.

Watch Noel Part 1
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