Reactions to my decision

Yesterday I shared my decision not to take the medications my Oncologist had prescribed for me. The feedback I received from family and friends was varied. Some of my nearest and dearest friends were confused and one of them even dared to say I was selfish in my decision. I was shocked to know they felt this way and never thought my decision could be perceived as being selfish. Most who voiced their opinions were very encouraging and supportive of my decision. I imagine it's very difficult for someone who's never experienced a close brush with cancer to understand my choice but those who've walked the journey with a friend or loved one know that each of us must choose the path that best fits our needs.

When I made my decision, I didn't base it on what others might think, say, or do. I carefully and purposefully spent time seeking wisdom and direction from God. As I dug deep into the Word, He constantly reaffirmed the fact that I was not alone. He reminded me of great men and women of faith and how even under adverse circumstances, they had followed after Him. I was greatly encouraged as I read one of my favorite books, the book of James. These verses spoke to my heart:

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of [a]the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching orfaultfinding, and it will be given him. Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind. For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord, [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]."  James 1:2-8 Amplified Bible

There were many things that stood out to me from those verses. The very first thing that jumped off the page was the first sentence in verse 2. I'm going to paraphrase those verses as I interpreted them while I was reading and praying to the Lord. "When you experience any kind of trial or temptation, you should be first filled with JOY because you know that going through the experience will do a great work in your faith life. The trial will be used to teach you to stand firm...to endure...to suffer long. It will be used to mold and shape you into the person Christ desires you to become. The trial has been allowed to enter your life for His purposes and has come with His expressed permission. It was not an accident. It was no surprise to Him although it may have caught you off guard. Since you trust in the Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind...you can trust that this journey with, in, and through cancer will be used as a teaching tool. It will be used for God's purposes and everything will go according to His perfect plan for your life. You have come seeking wisdom because you don't know what to do. You want to do what God wants you to do and yet, you don't know what that is so, be bold! Ask God! Ask Him for clarity...for wisdom and direction! Have faith and don't doubt! Ask expecting to receive an answer and that answer will be straight from God, not from your own mind and not from what you think or feel you should do." 

So as I waited patiently on the Lord, I continued to pray. For over two weeks, I prayed and sought His will and direction. Upon my return from Texas, I continued to pray. The morning after we returned, before my feet even hit the floor as I prepared to get out of bed, I felt a wonderful peace flood my spirit. I heard the words, "eat kingdom food" as clearly as if someone were standing in my bedroom with me speaking to me. I rose and pondered what those words meant. Did they mean for me to continue to feast on the word of God or did they mean make a huge change in my diet? As I prayed, I felt God leading me to make a drastic change in the way I've been eating. 

I've learned over the years to hear the voice of God in my life. It has taken many, many years of prayer and listening with discernment to make sure I am clearly hearing from God and not just hearing my own heart's desires. I've even learned to test what I've heard to verify the validity of my hearing so imagine my surprise when I heard God telling me to cut all sugar and processed foods!!! That's going to be a huge lifestyle change! I love chocolate! I love ice cream! I love pizza! Just about everything we eat nowadays is filled with sugar or processed in an unhealthy way. So the kingdom food He instructed me to eat, in my understanding, is organic, raw, healthy fruits, vegetables and grains. 

There have been many studies on cancer and the ways sugar aids in helping to feed those cells. Since I'm not going to be taking the medication to block Estrogen and Progesterone from feeding the cancer cells, I have to combat it with foods that God intended us to eat in the first place! In the garden of Eden, there weren't boxes of prepackaged foods filled with all kinds of unpronounceable names. There were very simple, organic foods. 

I was leary of calling my doctor to give him this news. I didn't know how he would react. Would he be shocked and refuse to continue to care for me? Would he support me in my decision? When I called his office, I was unable to speak directly to the doctor because he was in the midst of seeing patients. I was able to leave a message on the nurse's line and had only a few minutes to think how I should word what I was going to say. I told them my name and birthdate as instructed by the automated recording and then I proceeded to say "After much prayer and discussion with my husband, I've decided NOT to take the medications you prescribed. I have an appointment next month and will be happy to discuss my decision with you at that time. Should you have any questions, please feel free to call me." I left my number and hung up. I was pleased. I'd said all I needed to say. 

When I see the doctor at the end of next month, I'm hoping he'll see a marked difference in my appearance and my blood work. Since he's Jewish, I'll share with him about my faith and how it is integral in every part of my life, but especially in daily decisions that affect my health. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had A.M.A. scribbled across their charts. (A.M.A. means against medical advice for those of you won't didn't know) And then there are those countless others who blindly accept the traditional route of treatment...surgery, chemo, radiation, and adjuvant therapies like Tamoxifen, Arimidex, Aromasin, or Femara. I wonder how many of them do their homework and read about the side effects and long range statistics associated with those treatments? I admit, when I was first diagnosed, I didn't know what to do. I made the mistake of not taking time to seek the Lord. I only listened to my doctor and all the medical team. I did what I was told. Oh, I did make one initial decision...when my breast surgeon gave me the option of having a lumpectomy and chemo then followup mammograms for every 3 months for the rest of my life and possibly more surgeries to come, I said no. I asked if my odds were better going the route of mastectomies and she adamantly agreed they would be. When I asked her what she would do if it were her, she said she'd go the mastectomy route. 

When my Oncologist and I talked at our first visit, I asked him point blank..."if I were your wife or daughter, what would you advise me to do with regard to chemo?" He immediately said, "I'd advise you NOT to take it." At least he was honest. I was thankful for that. That's one reason I'm hoping he'll support me in my decision not to take the medication. If he doesn't, I guess I'll be looking for a new doctor but even if I end up doing that, I know I already have the Great Physician on my team and that's really all I'll ever need.

So my game plan now is to begin eliminating sugar and processed foods from my diet. I know it will be hard, but I've got to do it. I'll also study the Bible more to learn how to fight back with joy. If I'm to consider it "wholly joyful" when I experience trials and temptations, I've got to figure out how to be filled with joy even when things are difficult in my life. I guess the main thing I'm trying to say here is that I've got to learn how to change my perspective! I've got to learn to focus not on what's going on around me but what God's doing in my life. When I can meet difficulties with joy and see them from His perspective, I can learn to accept any and everything He sends into my life.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Clarity

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with a huge decision regarding my healthcare and finally, after much prayer, I have some clarity. Last month, I visited my Oncologist. While there, we discussed my health as well as 2 previous medications I'd tried at my doctor's request. Both of those medications had given me bad side effects and had made me feel like a totally different person. While in the doctor's office, he told me there was only one more medication we could try. When he said that, I wanted to laugh...WE? Was he going to join me in taking the medication? I don't think so. I explained to him that my husband and I had a trip coming up and that I'd like to wait to begin the medicine until after we had completed our trip and were back home. Dr. "F" agreed it would be a wise decision. He didn't want me in another state if I was experiencing bad side effects. I left his office feeling good about the visit and went home to pack for our trip.

The entire time we were in Texas, I felt an uneasiness about beginning the new medication. I didn't want to experience the same bad side effects as I'd had on the past 2 cancer meds. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to take the medication but I knew I needed to gain understanding through prayer.

For the past 2 weeks, I've gone before the Lord with my dilemma. In the Bible, we're told
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5 I knew I needed answers for my problem and I needed godly wisdom. I didn't want to trust making the decision on my own. James 1:5 promises that if we will go to Him when we need wisdom, He will give us the answers we need!

The word "lack" is the Greek word leipo, a Greek word that pictures a deficit of some kind. In modern English, we might call this a shortfall, a shortage, a scarcity, or a deficiency. For instance, people often speak of a "shortfall" of finances. When they experience such a financial shortfall, it greatly impairs their ability to do business as necessary. Years ago, we had a shortage of gasoline. People had to wait for hours to get a few gallons of gas and when the gas ran out, the ones at the back of the line had to go home on empty. In my grandparents' day, food was rationed. There was a great lack of precious staples like flour, eggs, sugar, bread, meat, and milk. These kinds of scarcities and deficits could be described by the Greek word leipo, which is translated "lack" in the King James Version of James 1:5. But the "lack" James is referring to is not sugar, flour, eggs, milk, butter, meat, or gasoline. James says, "If any of you lack wisdom.…"

A lack of "wisdom" is the most devastating kind of deficit a person or country can face. Wisdom has the answers, solutions, and principles needed to reverse any situation and turn it around for the better. A person is at a great disadvantage when he is void of wisdom about how to pay his bills, how to reverse a decline in his business, how to resolve challenges with his children, spouse, boss, or coworkers; or even how to make important decisions that will affect his future. When a person lacks wisdom, it nearly paralyzes him, because he doesn't know what to do!

When James says, "If any of you lack wisdom," the word "wisdom" is the Greek word sophos. This word sophos could describe enlightenment, or special insight. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean he possesses wisdom. You need to treat education like it is important, for it definitely is. However, you also need to understand that having an education is not the equivalent of having wisdom. Education gives information and facts; but wisdom gives you principles, solutions, and answers. Wisdom gives you special insight that helps you know what to do. Wisdom contains the principles that will lead you out of that baffling situation and into a place where things begin to work again! Wisdom guides you to do what is right. Man has education; but God has wisdom.

Are you experiencing a time in your life right now when you need wisdom about a particular situation? Even though you've studied and tried to find solutions on your own, have those solutions been evading you? If so, it's time for you to get a good dose of wisdom from on High! That's why James says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.…"

The word "ask" is the Greek word aiteo. The word aiteo means "to be adamant in requesting and demanding assistance to meet tangible needs, such as food, shelter, money, and so forth." This person may insist or demand that a certain need be met, but he approaches his superior with respect and honor as he makes his very strong request. The word aiteo also expresses the idea that the one asking has a full expectation to receive what has been firmly requested.

When James tells us to "ask" God for the wisdom we need, the Greek tense used is a command. This plainly means God isn't suggesting that we come to Him for wisdom; He is commanding us to do so!
When these words are used together in one phrase, it could be translated:
"If anyone lacks insight, let him firmly request it.…"
"If anyone has a shortage of wisdom, he should demand it.…"
"If anyone is baffled and doesn't know what to do, he should be bold to ask.…"

The Greek word studies in this verse of Scripture helped give me even more clarity. I finally understood that God really wanted me to come to Him for wisdom first instead of trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of relying on my education and the books on my shelf to give me the answers I needed, I knew I had to go to God first and firmly ask Him for wisdom and that is just what I did. I approached Him with respect and honor, but was also bold. As a child of God, I knew I had a right to request wisdom from God when I needed it!

This morning, I reached up into the top of my closet and took down my prayer shawl. It was a beautifully crocheted shawl made by ladies from a local church. A friend of mine had given it to me right after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I placed the shawl over my shoulders, I sat for hours before God pouring out my heart to Him. With the shawl over my shoulders, it was as if I could feel God's very arms wrapped around me. The feeling was so filled with love and peace. I'd never felt that way before underneath the prayer shawl.

I admitted I didn't know what to do regarding taking the new medications. I struggled with just doing what the doctor told me to do and following what I felt in my heart that I needed to do. My heart said, "trust God. Remember your Oncotype DX number was a 7...the number of completion! It also meant that there was a very low rate of recurrence." My head said, "but the doctor knows more than you do. He says I have to take this medication for the next 10 years to prevent the cancer from returning. I should do what he says to do." My heart said, "you need to trust that God made your body. He knows every single cell and knows the number of days He's allotted to you. He has your best interest in mind. The doctor is only following recommended treatment plans as indicated by statistics." 

I cried and cried as I read my Bible and poured out my heart to God. I told him everything I was thinking even though I knew He already knew my thoughts before I verbalized them. As I prayed, I felt such a peace come over me and He led me to Psalm 56:3-4, "What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance in You. By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me?" He also gave me Psalm 57:1-2, "Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed. I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" As I read these verses, I got a mental image of the beautiful, powerful, huge wings of God and I saw myself tiny, and powerless huddled beneath them. I could see a great and powerful whirlwind swirling all around me, but I was completely safe and secure beneath His wings. I felt no fear whatsoever. I knew everything was going to be okay. 

My decision is clear. I will not be taking any more cancer medications. The two bottles sitting on my counter will soon be in the trashcan. I am going to trust the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. When I call to tell my doctor of my decision, I don't know if he will understand it but I'm going to try to help him see where I'm coming from. I'm thankful my doctor is Jewish because that means he's a man of faith. I'm going to use that as my segway into explaining my decision. He is a man of faith and I am a woman of faith. It doesn't matter that we are of different faiths because we both believe in the same Almighty, Omnipotent God. 

I'm sure Dr. "F" won't be too happy that I've chosen not to take the prescribed medications. I'm wondering if he'll even still agree to be my Oncologist. If he decides he doesn't want to support me in my decision, I'll have to find a new doctor and that's okay. I'm trusting God with that decision too. 

Of course, every now and then, I'm sure Satan will whisper fearful words to my heart and mind trying to scare me into thinking I've made the wrong decision. He'll use the tool of fear to prod me into thinking the cancer will come back but I know, even if God does allow the cancer to return, He'll have a purpose for it and I can live with that. I've trusted Him throughout this whole ordeal and I'm not going to stop trusting Him now. 

If you're facing a dilemma of some kind today, rather than continue to struggle in your own strength, why don't you go to God and ask Him to give you the necessary wisdom to conquer the situation you are facing in your life right now? As a child of God, you have every right to ask Him. In fact, God commands you to come to Him when you lack wisdom! So take a few minutes today to obey that command. Ask God to give you the wis­dom you need!

My Prayer for Today
Lord, help me to come to You when I find myself struggling to know what to do. Help me to rely on You instead of on my own strength and understanding. Every answer I need resides with You. Your wisdom holds all the answers I am looking for therefore, I am making the decision to come to You now with a listening ear. Please speak to my heart and guide me according to your perfect will for my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

My Confession for Today
I boldly confess that I go to the Father when I need wisdom from above. He has the answers to all my problems, and He is standing before me, ready to help. God is on my side. He wants to help me. He is waiting for me to come into His Presence so He can give me the wisdom I need to confront and overcome every situation I am facing right now. God wants me to suc­ceed, and His wisdom is what I need to achieve what is in my heart. So rather than try to figure it all out on my own, I run to the Father and ask Him for wisdom - and He is swift to give me the wisdom I need! I declare this by faith in Jesus' name!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved.

In a quandary

 I'm so confused! I just don't know what to do! For the past few days I have been on vacation in Texas. Visiting with family has been wonderful and so relaxing. Since I have not been on any cancer medications, I have felt exceptionally well. I have enjoyed myself to the fullest. It's hard to describe how terrific normal feels.

When I return to Georgia, I am supposed to begin taking Aromasin and take it for the next 10 years! Aromasin is a cancer medication and it has a lot of really bad side effects. I am also supposed to begin taking a drug called Effexor. The Effexor is supposed to take care of hot flashes and mood swings that Aromasin causes.

When I was on Arimidex last month, I experienced so many bad side effects. Many of them are the same as the ones Aromasin will cause. That is why I am NOT looking forward to beginning this new medication. I am seriously considering not taking any medication. I am weighing out my options. I would much rather feel normal then feel like an emotional wreck. But I also don't want the cancer to come back. This is my quandary. What do I do? Do I take the medication and feel horrible for the next 10 years or do I not take it and feel normal for the next 10 years? If I decide not to take it, there is a real possibility that I will have a recurrence of cancer. But even if I do take it, the cancer could still come back.

So for the remainder of my vacation, I'm going to be thinking long and hard about this decision. I'm going to do a lot of praying about it. I'm also going to be talking with family members about my decision. I know my oncologist would not be happy if I went to him and told him that I had decided not to take any medication. I wonder if he would even agree to still be my doctor if I decide to go against his advice. Whatever the case, I have to do what is best for me. It is my life and I am the only one that can make this decision. It's scary because sometimes I don't make the right decisions. In fact most of my life I've made a lot of bad decisions. Hopefully I will hear clearly from God and know exactly what I am supposed to do. I am asking Him to give me a complete peace about it, and I know He will.

This cancer journey has been one filled with decision after decision. It would be nice to know that all of it was over. Every single day I'm reminded that even though the cancerous tumor has been removed; cancer has greatly impacted my life and still continues to do so. I can't help but wonder if there are still some rogue cancer cells lurking in my body. Are they gathering together and plotting a counter-attack? What part of my body will they invade next? Will the counter-attack be more severe than the initial battle? I certainly hope never to experience any dealings with cancer again but I'm not going to be unrealistic.

Today I'm choosing to live like a normal person who feels normal in every way except in my  physical appearance. Today I choose to live a totally cancer free life. Who knows, I may not even be around in the next 10 years anyway. None of us may be! None of us are promised tomorrow, so I'll take today and make it the best it can be. And I think that's a pretty good decision!

Answers to your questions

Wow! I'm amazed at the questions some of you have asked but I'm also thankful that you've felt the freedom to ask them. Maybe being able to ask anonymously was the key!

What was the scariest thing that happened? The scariest thing that happened to me during this whole situation was actually seeing the cancer during my ultrasound. The radiologist had the ultrasound screen turned toward me so I could watch as he was preparing to do the core needle biopsy (which was very painful) and insert a steel clip into the site in my breast to mark the location of the tumor. When I saw the mass on the ultrasound screen, it looked like a large, one armed crab. Just facing the reality of what I already knew to be true, was so scary. Did you know the word cancer means crab?

Most embarrassing thing that has happened? The most embarrassing thing that has happened to me during this cancer ordeal was having to have dye injected into my breast by a male nurse. The dye was supposed to illuminate any cancerous cells in my lymph nodes before surgery so it had to be done. As the guy asked me to disrobe, I was totally humiliated. There was no woman nurse present at all. Then, he came toward me with a syringe and told me he was going to inject some pain medication to numb the injection site first. It felt like a bee sting when he injected the needle into my breast. Then he took another syringe and injected blue dye right into my areola in three different places on each breast. Even with the numbing medication, it was very uncomfortable. I couldn't wait to get out of that room!

Do you miss "them"? That's a hard question. Yes and no. Since I wasn't well endowed in the first place and since I've always been a major tomboy, I never paid much attention to my chest when I was a kid but, as an adult, being small chested wasn't a huge problem because if I wanted to look bigger, I could buy a padded bra. If I chose not to wear a bra, no one really knew and since I didn't have a huge chest, I didn't have to worry about sagging when I grew old! After I healed up all the way, I couldn't wear a bra even if I wanted to because the bra, with the prostheses in it, was too heavy and rubbed against my incisions. Although they were healed, I still have a lot of scar tissue under my right arm and a seroma there from my surgical drain site. Those are extremely tender even to this day and I can't stand having anything rub against them. Honestly, the only time I really miss my breasts is when I'm going out in public and I feel self conscious without a bra on. I can camouflage myself pretty well with a jacket or a vest. I also know my husband misses them. He's been so sweet not to say anything often but every once in a while, he'll make a comment that lets me know he misses them. Men are so visual and I know it must have been a hard adjustment on him to see me without breasts. I never gave one thought to having reconstructive surgery, even when the breast surgeon asked me if I wanted to consider it, because I didn't want to go through all that pain and suffering. Even though they can take belly fat, thigh fat, or back fat and fashion new breasts from it, can you imagine having not only two large breast incisions but also having your belly sliced open and then resewn back together, or your thighs, or your back??? And even if you have the surgery, your new breasts don't look like breasts for a long, long time. They have to heal and then, you have to have nipples constructed from ear lobe tissue or other tissue on your body unless you decide to have nipples tattooed on (which some ladies opt to do).

What is one thing you want to do before you die? Before I die, I want to travel to Israel and walk along the paths that Jesus did. I want to float in the Dead Sea, I want to take a boat ride across the Sea of Galilee and I want to travel the Via Dolorosa.

What is something good that has come from this? God has used all of this to teach me to live in the moment. I have always been one to plan and plan and plan. I've always looked to the future and sometimes, I have failed to be present in the moment. Since surgery, God has shown me that every single moment of my life is precious and I'm only allotted a specific number of moments. I can't waste a single one.

If you could go back to before cancer, what would you change? If I could go back to the time before I knew I had cancer, I would change many things. The main thing I would change was how I treated people. I was often too busy with things in my life to give people the time they needed. I would spend more time just sitting and listening instead of being busy doing.

Have you been suicidial? To be honest, I have thought about taking my life at one time but found out later that it was a side effect from new medication I was on. I don't believe in suicide. I believe only God has the right to take a life. I think it would be a grave sin to take one's own life and I would never do it.

Do you fear going out in public? Yes. I still have a huge fear of going out in public. It's really hard for me because I've never been this way before. I don't know why but I just feel like people are staring at me. I prefer to stay home and only go out when I have to go out. My husband has been very patient and understanding. He told me the other day that he wasn't going to push me to do anything I didn't want to do. I am so thankful he loves me and is giving me a chance to get my act together. Hopefully, over time, I'll get a little braver and less fearful.

What has been the biggest support to you so far? The biggest support I've had has been from my husband. He has been an angel throughout this whole process. He's cried with me, laughed with me, sat and been quiet with me, prayed with me and just been my rock. My children have also been great encouragers. They call several times a day to check in on me. I've also had some very dear friends who've made a special point to email or Facebook message me with words of encouragement on a weekly basis. It's nice to know others love and care about me.

If you could tell people something that they don't know about you and cancer what would it be? I was petrified when I discovered the mass in my right breast. But even when I found it, a peace came over me. God spoke to my heart and let me know it was cancer even before I had any tests to confirm it. I've always been a super modest person so having to bare my breasts to numerous medical people was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The only way I got through it was to totally distance myself from the situation while it was happening. I learned to do that many years ago when I was sexually abused as a child. It is a weird coping mechanism and many people will probably think it is a very immature and unnatural way to deal with routine tests and procedures, but you asked....

What do you need still? I still have hard days. I still get emotional at times and feel very "unfeminine." I still need people to be understanding and patient with me. I still need encouragement and love. Cancer isn't something you just "get over." It's the gift that keeps on giving. There's always fear of recurrence. There are always medical appointments and constant tests. It seems like it will never end.

What kind of pain are you in? Right now the majority of my pain comes from swelling in my upper arms caused by Lymphedema and pulling/tugging from scar tissue. When I went through radiation, it changed the tissue and muscles in my chest wall. Now instead of those areas being soft and pliable, they are very dense and hard. When I move in a certain way sometimes those tissues and muscles don't want to move with me and cause pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I try to make the best of it. On days when the pain gets to be more than I can bear, I do have prescription pain medication I can take to help.

How long do you think you have time wise? That's hard to say. The Bible tells me in James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." So I really have no idea. Only God knows. I do know that most breast cancer patients are only given 5 years statistically but my God is the one who holds the keys to my life and I'm trusting Him for a long and prosperous life. I am taking Aromasin now which is a type of oral chemotherapy. It lowers estrogen levels in postmenopausal women, which may slow the growth of certain types of breast tumors that need estrogen to grow in the body. It is often given to women whose cancer has progressed even after surgery, radiation, or other cancer medications have been tried without success. My oncologist has told me that I'll be on this medication for the next 10 years. In the past, adjuvant therapy was only given for 5 years but research has been done recently that shows 10 years is much more effective against the chances of recurrence.

What is your biggest struggle on a daily basis? The biggest struggle I have on a daily basis is learning to accept my limitations. There are many things I am unable to do physically now that I used to do in the past. I get tired more often and find myself doing things a little more slowly than before. That could also be attributed to my age. I'm 57 but feel like I'm still 18!

Does it hurt to receive hugs? Sometimes it does hurt to receive hugs. My cousin, a big, strong, strapping young man in his early 50's gave me a huge hug about a month ago that I thought was going to crush my ribcage. Now I have learned to turn my body sideways when giving hugs or I'll whisper in the huggers ear, "soft hugs only please!"

Do you blame yourself? I don't really blame myself but I've questioned whether or not something I did or did not do regarding my health could have contributed to the cancer. I wondered if I had chosen to eat more healthy foods, or if I'd chosen to use natural deodorants, or if I hadn't colored my hair so much...but then, I thought, there are so many environmental issues in the world that could have contributed to my getting cancer that I probably couldn't have ever done anything to prevent it from happening. My faith assures me that God has allowed the cancer into my life for His purposes. Just knowing that and accepting that fact have given me great peace. I've tried to take the attitude that He's allowed it into my life to teach me something really important.

What is the biggest way cancer has changed you? I think the biggest way cancer has changed me is that it's taught me to focus my life more on love. Just on being understanding and loving toward others. Being able to forgive even when forgiveness hasn't been asked for is a huge thing. I've become much more intentional in my life and I thank cancer for that.

When have you felt most alone? I've felt most alone in the late night hours when I've been unable to sleep. I've had insomnia a lot since my surgery and it's been very difficult to deal with. Prescription medications leave me feeling drugged the entire next day so I don't like to take them. Over the counter medications help for an hour or two but not more than that. Sometimes at night, I lie awake and think about things. When I get alone with my thoughts, sometimes I focus more on fleshly things instead of spiritual things. I tend to focus on my circumstances and difficulties instead of focusing on what God's doing in my life. I know that is typical human behavior but I don't like knowing that I fall into that trap sometimes. I've also felt very alone since my cancer journey began because many of my family members have not been very supportive. I try to overlook this by considering they are just busy with their own lives but when I try to think about how I would respond if the shoe was on the other foot, I get a little down.

What has encouraged you the most through this time? My faith and my friends have encouraged me most throughout this time. I am so thankful I have a strong faith in God. If I were not a Christ follower, I'm sure I would have been totally devastated and depressed throughout this entire experience. Many of my friends have taken time to pray for me daily or to write notes of encouragement that arrive at just the perfect time. I am truly blessed.

What has been your best outlet of emotion? My best outlet of emotion has been to cry! I have cried buckets of tears since this ordeal began. Crying is a wonderful emotional release and a type of cleansing. Did you know it actually releases a type of hormone that allows your body to rid itself of toxic stress? Sometimes I punch my pillow when I get angry and just want to hit something. After punching it for a few minutes, I usually burst out laughing at how silly I must look and then I feel much better.

Do you feel like people treat you different? Sometimes my family members treat me like I'm a little more fragile and that's okay but I don't know how people out in the public view me since I haven't allowed myself to be out in the public much lately. I imagine if I were to go out without my fake boobs on, people would look at me strangely and think, "wow, she's flat chested!" I'm trying to work up enough courage to go to my 40th high school reunion this fall and I guess that will be the real test.

Do you really know and believe that you are the most beautiful daughter of the Most High King and that He loves you unconditionally and that nothing has changed from His end of things? That he still thinks you are fearfully and wonderfully made...that you are His holy sanctuary & He's not finished with you yet! Yes I do and I am so very thankful He loves me unconditionally!

Do you know that you are worthy to be loved? Yes I do, but sometimes, just once in a while, Satan whispers in my ear that I am LESS THAN. Sometimes I listen to his whispers and lies but most of the time, I call him out on it!

What is the moment you've had to be most brave? There have been several moments during this ordeal where I've had to be brave but I would say the hardest moment for me was the first time I looked in the mirror after having my surgery. I had to make myself look at the long, red, hideous scars across my chest and when I did, I just cried and cried. But as I cried, I felt God speaking to my heart, "you're still beautiful on the inside." So I was able to accept the fact that breast cancer hadn't killed me, it has just made me stronger.

Thank you for taking time to ask some very good questions. I hope I've answered them so you can understand how serious cancer is and how it changes your life forever. I pray that none of you ever have to walk through this dark valley but if you do, know that I'll be here ready to offer you my love and support. Even more importantly than that, God will be with you. He has promised never to leave or forsake you. He will give you the strength and the courage to get through whatever comes your way.

I still struggle daily but I'm just taking one moment at a time. I am thankful that even when I am weak, God is strong.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Go ahead and ask...

Instead of me writing another post today, I've decided to open up my blog for a question and answer period. This is where YOU, the reader, get to ask me any question you would like about breast cancer and how it's changed my life. This is your opportunity to know the truth without any sugar coating whatsoever. So go ahead, fire away...and if you don't know where to submit your questions, look at the bottom of this post and there will be a little pencil icon. Click on that and put your question in the comment box then click on submit or publish or whatever it says (I can't remember!) I won't answer any X rated questions people, so keep it clean. I'll post your questions and my answers in the next blog post. You can remain anonymous.

Note to self, always wear waterproof mascara!

Here I go again. It's been another very emotional day for me. More and more frequently I find myself crying over things that touch my heart...for those I love so deeply, friends and family...for those who die at the hands of the merciless...for the homeless...for those who need but have not... for those fighting their own battles with cancer. There seems to be so much pain in the world today and yet, even amid the pain, there are those who love through their tears.

I never used to be so weepy, although I've always been very tenderhearted. When I was a child, I cried with my closest friends over banged up knees or other childhood disappointments. I always wanted to rescue the lone, lost scraggly little dogs wandering along the highway's edge and often I did. My heart overflowed with compassion and mercy for others. Sometimes I thought it was a huge burden to be so filled with love for others but now I realize it is a wonderful gift, although it can be very painful at times.

In previous posts, I've written about an internet friend and fellow breast cancer patient, Kara Tippetts. I've followed her story for months and months now. Each morning, I check in to her blog site for updates. For the past few weeks, she's been in hospice care and her condition continues to decline. I know it won't be long before we're saying goodbye to Kara. I've cried countless tears for Kara but the tears aren't full of sadness...there is joy there also because I know that Kara, when she leaves this earth, will be finally home. The reality of her situation has been too real to me. Our cancer stories are so similar. As she comes closer and closer to the end of her life story, I can't help but wonder what my story will be...

I knew it. I should have put on waterproof mascara today, but it's so hard to remove that sometimes I opt for the regular kind of mascara. On days when I'm in a particularly emotional mood, I can end up looking like a raccoon from crying so much. Black watery trails of mascara stream down my face as I weep and pray. God knows my heart is so full that it can't help but overflow. Albert Smith once said that "tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it" and that statement is so very true. Tears help provide an emotional release for deep seated concerns. It's been scientifically proven that shedding tears is actually good for us. It helps to lower our manganese levels and allows a type of cleansing to take place.

So why have I been so filled with emotion today? My heart goes out to Kara's family as they begin to grasp the fact that she won't be with them much longer. I can't help but put myself in her place as she watches daily as her life begins to slip away. How do you learn to let go of your grasp on everything you know and have found comfortable in this life? How do you edge slowly toward the great chasm between Heaven and Earth ready to slip your hand into His? How do you say goodbye to the ones you love so dearly...and how do you do it with grace? Kara is teaching us.

Daily as I read Kara's story, I learn more about how to die with dignity. She is suffering and in great pain but she finds ways to minister to others through it. She hasn't turned inward focusing only on herself and her needs; she's unselfishly sharing her heart and her faith in the midst of her greatest struggle.

My tears today have been complex. Who can truly understand why God allows the righteous to suffer? And yet, as followers of Christ, we have to accept the fact that often He does choose to use suffering as a teaching tool. I've cried for myself many times over the last year as I processed my breast cancer diagnosis. I've also cried at my lack of trust for sometimes I wondered about God's reason for my journey. I've cried at my lack of understanding and I've cried over the countless number of women who either currently have or will have breast cancer. I've cried for my daughters and my granddaughters begging God to have mercy on them and keep them safe from a future filled with cancer. The tears have flowed freely and abundantly.

But today, on Kara's blog, I read of her youth pastor's visit. He is taking her through a Bible study on Psalm 119. Today's verses touched me... "I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight." Psalm 119:76,77. Those verses...oh those verses! Read them over again and again. Allow the truth of them to sink down deep into your heart. This is what stands out to me -
The Lord, the righteous ruler of Heaven and Earth, is faithful and even in His faithfulness, He allows suffering. But in the midst of my suffering, His steadfast, neverending, never changing love will be my comfort and His mercy will cover me. No matter what happens, I will live and live for Him only delighting in the laws He has set forth.

Pain and suffering are temporary but can have eternal reward. If the example of the way I've lived my life can touch someone and inspire them to seek after the Lord, then all of my suffering and pain will have been worthwhile.My only hope is that like Kara, I will have lived my life well. I will have shown others what faith in God really means in the midst of my everyday, mundane living.

Some days I cry a lot and other days I don't cry at all. Some days I cry for myself and other days...I can't contain the tears for others. Either way, I know that God understands my tears and he holds them precious in His sight. Even Jesus wept when He was overcome with grief, so I know He knows exactly how I feel on the days when I just can't seem to stop crying.

I'm back!

What I want you to know:
You probably didn't even know I was missing did you? But for the past month, I have been AWOL. I haven't been myself. I've been under the influence of different cancer medications and I've been an emotional wreck. I've felt like I was totally out of control...unable to think clearly, unable to control my emotions, and basically....I've felt like a total basket case!

When I started not remembering things, it got scary! I'd turn on the stove and put the pan on the wrong eye or put something in the dryer that was supposed to go in the freezer! I couldn't focus on anything and was crying all the time. I got so depressed at one point that I told my husband I couldn't do it any more. I decided right then and there that I was going to have to come off of these medications!

My oncologist wasn't overly sympathetic toward me. I guess doctors get calloused after hearing complaint after complaint but I put my foot down. He told me that I had to be on medication or the cancer would come back. I told him I understood that but the past 2 medications were just not a proper fit for me. He told me there was only one other drug that he could offer and that drug was the newest of the aromatase inhibitors. I really wanted to tell him I'd prefer to take my chances without any medication, but I didn't dare because my husband was sitting right next to me. I did ask for permission to abstain from taking the medication until we return from our trip to Texas and the doctor was okay with that. He actually thought it was a good idea because if I experienced any weird side effects, he wanted me to be somewhere in the state of Georgia.

Since coming off the medication, I have felt WONDERFUL!!! I've felt perfectly normal...just like I did before I found out I had cancer. I've been able to do the things I enjoy the most and be totally cognizant while doing them. Unless you've been under the influence of some type of drug, you probably don't understand how much that means. It's really scary to be unable to think clearly when you're used to having a sound mind. It's amazing that one tiny pill can totally change my emotional state and my demeanor.

I'm thankful that I will be off of all cancer medications until the end of February. I am going to totally enjoy my month of freedom. I am very hesitant about starting the new medications especially after the side effects I experienced during the last 2 rounds. Hopefully any side effects will be minimal but if I experience mind altering/mood changing side effects, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be on the phone to my oncologist in the blink of an eye.

In the meantime, I'm going to do a lot of research on the medications he's suggested. I'm also going to put all my other medications into a drug interaction checker and cross check for potential problems. I am a firm believer that we have to be proactive concerning our health. While I would prefer to be free of any and all medications, I am thankful for the ones that help my body function properly like my thyroid medication and my blood pressure medication.

What I'm thinking:
I feel awesome! I am really enjoying being off of the antihormone therapy and wonder if I can just skip cancer meds all together. I have a big faith and I know God can protect me from any cancer recurrences but would Phil understand? Would he feel better knowing that I was on medicine? If the new meds start making me feel weird, I am going to have to contact the doctor. I am not willing to go through the craziness that I went through before. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like not being able to remember what I was doing. I don't want to take a chance on forgetting to turn off the stove and burning the house down! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this new medicine will be okay and I won't have any major side effects. I can't even imagine having to take cancer meds for the next 10 years!!!! What kind of quality of life will I have??? I don't like this one bit.

Insurance changes and Cancer meds

President Obama's affordable health care act has adversely effected the health insurance plans of many companies. A number of employers have been overhauling the health benefits they offer employees, citing rising costs. There are two themes to what they are doing. In trying to control their own spending, employers often are shifting health costs to employees. So the average annual deductible for an individual has nearly doubled in the past seven years. But employers aren't just making workers pay more. They're trying to make them think more about health-related expenses and behavior. Some companies have decided to stop covering working spouses if they have access to coverage at their own jobs. The health law does not require employers to cover spouses, but surveys show that only a minority of companies have implemented a "spousal exclusion." However, employers increasingly offer incentives to get spouses off their plans. They may charge workers extra if a covered spouse has access to other insurance, or they may pay bonuses when spouses are not on the company policy. The health law requires employers who offer coverage to employees to also offer coverage to dependent children, or pay a penalty.

The affordable care act mandates that prescription drugs are one of 10 essential health benefits that insurance plans must offer — among maternity and newborn care, preventative care, hospitalization and mental health — the ACA makes drug coverage a core part of health insurance, and it eliminates insurers’ ability to tack on a prescription drug benefit plan to a health care plan at an additional cost. Patient copays vary regarding the type of plan, type of medication, and the prescription drug company's formulary. The ACA requires insurance plans to cover at least one drug in every category and class in the U.S. Pharmacopeia, the official list of approved medicines. Patients and their doctors can request and gain access to clinically appropriate drugs that aren’t covered. Plans maintain their own preferred-drug lists, or formularies, and the cost for the same drug can vary significantly between plans, which is especially important to note for consumers with chronic conditions such as cancer.

Yesterday, I received a call from my prescription drug company. My oncologist had sent in two prescriptions for me. One of the medications was not listed on the company's formulary. The voice on the other end of the phone advised me that the cost of this medication might be higher than others in the same class of aromatase inhibitors. She suggested I contact the insurance company and inquire about the cost of this medication, just hearing her say those words concerned me. We'd already noticed many changes in our health insurance plan since the first of the year and most of those changes were negative changes.

I called the insurance company to ask about the monthly charge for Aromasin and almost fell off of my chair when the clerk told me the fee would be $275 for a 30 day supply. While that might not seem expensive to some people, it was definitely expensive to us especially since we only have one monthly income. After discussing it with my husband, we decided it would be a good idea to call the doctor's office and see if there was an alternative medication. Thankfully, when I called and spoke with my doctor's nurse, she gave me some peace of mind. She assured me they would do everything they could to find a medication that would fit into our budget as well as combat the cancer. 

My heart goes out to those who need expensive medications and are unable to afford them. Some prescription manufacturers offer programs for those on low incomes but many do not. Many doctors offer prescription samples to patients who are unable to purchase their medications but there are also those who do not. It's a sticky situation for those of us who need medications on a daily basis. I am so thankful that my husband's company provides the opportunity for us to participate in their health insurance program and although they require annual documentation to insure me, we have yet to be denied benefits.

There are many different opinions on the Obama Affordable Care Act. Some people are very opposed to it and others are very thankful for it. I have my own personal opinions on it and I won't share them here. Hopefully, most of us realize how blessed we are to live in a country where we can easily obtain necessary medications for illnesses. There are so many countries where this is not the case. Wouldn't it be nice if none of us ever needed any medications? But with the world we live in today, that would never be possible. Good health should never be taken for granted.

Remembering what He has done

This morning, as I was having my devotional, I was taken to Psalm 105:5 "Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced." That verse is overpowering to me because God has done so many amazing things in my life. It's a miracle that I'm even sitting here today writing this blog post...oh if you only knew!

Three times in my life, I've looked death squarely in the eyes. In 1970, I was extremely ill. For over a year, doctors tried to find out what was wrong with me. Finally one doctor determined that the problem was gallstones and he prepared to do surgery. Little did he know that my gallbladder would burst on the operating table and gangrene would start to flood through my body. I was only 13. I almost died. It took a long time to recuperate but God watched over me and kept me safe. 

In 1991, I was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident. I was hit head on by a 2 1/2 ton truck. My car was totaled. My leg was mangled. The doctors told my family they may have to amputate but God chose to have the best orthopedic surgeon in Northeast Georgia on staff at the hospital that day and he was able to save my leg. Years of painful therapy and recovery took place. I spent a year in a wheel chair and another year on crutches. I had to learn to walk again, but I did it! With determination and hard work, I did it. I could have died the day of the accdient, but God protected me. 

In 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 2B breast cancer. Once again, God was with me. Instead of the mass being undetected and killing me, God allowed me to find it one day in the shower. He sent me to the best breast surgeon in Fayetteville and she was able to remove the tumor. Cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and she removed 6 of those too. But instead of Cancer killing me, I'm still here. 

I've faced many trials and adversities in my life. These are just a few of the more severe ones. Instead of focusing on the pain and trauma from these past illnesses and injuries, I choose to focus on the fact that I was never left alone. God was always with me. He orchestrated events according to His will for my life and He used those to make me the person I am today. He allowed me to go through all of those painful events. He allowed me to be physically injured. 

You may be wondering why God would allow me to be hurt. The only answer I can give you is  

perhaps it is the only way we can grow, and bloom and bear fruit. My very favorite verse in the Bible is John 15:5, "I am the vine, you are the branches...if you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. For without me, you can do nothing." He is the vine and we are the branches. We are supposed to abide in Him, attach ourselves to Him, remain in Him, "No branch can bear fruit by itself."

Have you ever been to a winery? Have you walked among the fruits of the vineyard? Recently, on a summer vacation, my husband and I stopped to visit one of North Georgia's wineries. We walked with the vinter through the vineyard as he explained which grapes were best for each type of wine. As we walked down the rows, I noticed there were several places on one plant where grafts were evident. As I asked the vinter about the grafts, he explained that by grafting these two types of grapes together, they could obtain a much sweeter wine. I was amazed to hear all about the wine making process and I couldn't help but think about my favorite verse once again.

In grafting, the tissues of one plant are inserted into the tissues of another so that the two sets of vascular tissues are joined together. The "vine" contains the desired genes to be duplicated in the branch! But we can't get connected without the wounds on both the vine and the branch! When God allows pain and suffering to enter our life, we are invited to join with Him. He sees we are strong enough to enter into a closer, covenantal relationship with Him. And He asks us during these times, "Do you still love Me? Do you still trust Me?"

During the times in my life where I've experienced extreme physical pain, I've had to remind myself that God allowed it to happen. I never blamed God for my injuries, but I knew He had specifically chosen them to mold me and shape me into the person I am today. Even as I continue to battle breast cancer, I find myself thanking Him for choosing this trial for me. But just because I thank Him, doesn't mean it is an easy trial. My suffering allows me to understand and partake of His sufferings which were magnanimous compared to my measily aches and pains.

As my body is wounded and I am grafted into His body, I find myself becoming stronger and stronger in my faith. I can honestly answer His questions with ease...Do you love me? Yes, Lord, with all my heart. Do you still trust Me? Yes, Father. I trust you. Even when I can't see Your hand, I trust Your heart. 

I'll probably never understand why God has allowed me to experience so much physical pain in my life but I am grateful that He's seen fit to walk beside me every step of the way. He's never left me or forsaken me. He's used my suffering to draw me closer to Him, so how can I complain about that?

There are people who've been through much pain in their lives and they've chosen to become bitter instead of looking for a reason behind the suffering. My faith in God has sustained me and given me hope that tomorrow will be a better day. He's shown me, this year, that He uses pain and suffering to teach valuable lessons. We just have to be willing students who are ready to learn.

There is a reason for suffering and pain. It isn't ever wasted. If you are suffering today, know that God is with you. He's promised never to leave you or forsake you. He may be using your trial to teach you something valuable about Him. Whatever the case, trust that He uses all things for our good, even the hard things.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved