What Cancer has taught me

Cancer is a great teacher and while I never thought I would be one of her students; I have become very astute in her class on life lessons. Today, I'd like to share some of those lessons with you.

God loved me enough to allow cancer into my life. It is for His purposes and to teach me things I never would have learned had it not come my way.When I first got cancer, I prayed and said, "God, why me?" His reply was "why not you?" That allowed me to understand He had personally chosen cancer to bless my life. 

Control is an illusion. I have no control over anything. Everything is in God's hand. In a heartbeat, my entire world was turned upside down. When I heard the words, "you have cancer" I realized all those moments I thought I was in control of my life were just lies. I've never been in control and I never will be.

Trials come to teach us. They help us gain new perspectives. In the midst of a trial, it seems to be a huge nuisance but looking back over it, we can find lessons we learned. Cancer has been the biggest trial I've ever faced. Although I've completed my radiation treatments, I still have other treatments and therapies ahead. Each of those will present their own set of trials but I'm sure as I look back upon them, I'll see things that God was teaching me. "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 (Amplified Version of the Holy Bible)

Love openly and well. Cancer has taught me that love is the most important thing we can ever give someone else. I am intentional about telling my friends and family I love them. I want them to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are important to me. "But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.: 1 Corinthians 13:13 (New American Standard Bible)

People are important. Every single person that comes into your life is there for a reason. They may only cross your path for a short time, but they are there to either teach you something or for you to teach them something. God chooses who comes and goes in our lives. I believe He handpicks them! God has brought various people into my life since my cancer diagnosis. It's been amazing to see the people He's chosen to reach out to me. He's used complete strangers to encourage me and lift me up. He's used old friends and coworkers to pray for me. He has known exactly what I have needed at exactly the right time. I am so thankful He uses others to be His hands and feet. 

Worry has no power over me. I used to worry all the time. My husband called me a worry-wart. I finally learned that worrying solved nothing and that old saying, "worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere" is so true. All worrying does is rob you of precious time. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34 (The Holy Bible)

Death is not as scary as it used to be to me. The Bible says my life is like a vapor and a vapor doesn't last very long. When faced with cancer, you learn to be firm in your faith. You really come to understand that this is just our temporary home and we are just passing through. My home is in eternity with God. I'm not afraid of dying because I know to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." James 4:14 (New International Version of the Holy Bible)


Life is not about me. It's about others. Enough said.

I've learned to be a gracious receiver. When life throws huge health trials your way, you learn quickly that you have physical limitations. It's important to learn when we refuse to accept help, we can be robbing someone of a blessing. When someone offers to do something for you, graciously accept. That old saying "it is more blessed to give than to receive" is very true.  "In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35 (New American Standard Version of the Holy Bible)

I have learned to seek and find joy. I have learned to look for joy in simple things. The way my husband's eyes twinkle when he smiles at me...the sweet dimples in my granddaughter's hand..the way the leaves flutter to the ground...joy is all around us.

I've learned it's okay to cry and that my feelings matter. I used to be ashamed to cry in front of someone. I would always hold my feelings in until I could go to a private place and let them out. Now I've learned that it's okay to cry. Crying is an emotional release of deep pain. I've also learned that God holds my tears precious in His sight. In the Bible it even says He stores our tears up in His bottle. That tells me that He counts every tear I cry as precious. "You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8 (New King James Bible)

I get tired more easily. I’ve learned to honor the feeling of tiredness and act on it. In the past I pushed and pushed, knowing that I could push past my limits and succeed. Now I know that if I push I will fall, so I try to not run faster than I can walk. I am learning to go to bed early, to relish the times I can sleep in, and to not feel guilty about needing a nap or saying “no.”

 I'm slower. I'm not as fast as I once was, I've slowed way down.The every day stranger wouldn’t notice, but I do, and my family does. I don’t pack as much into my day, I don’t rush through things. I’m more deliberate in my movements and actions.

I'm more mindful. I pay attention to the feeling the bristles of my toothbrush on my teeth, feeling the sand under my feet, noticing the sunrises, and sunsets. I smell my grandbabies, watch them puzzle over how to do things, enjoy the silence in my car, and feel the sweat on my back as I exercise. In my awareness I recognize how truly blessed I am.

I am stronger than I think I am. I have learned that I am more powerful than ever. I have become an overcomer. I have fought battles I never thought I could win and I have been brave.

I am more patient now. I used to be very impatient with myself and with others. My 2015 slogan is going to be "don't sweat the small stuff." Because honestly, getting worked up over people and situations just really isn’t where I want to be spending my energy. So when I feel irritation or frustration coming on, I will step back, flip my hands in the air, and say, “It just doesn’t matter.” I will choose to let things go and when I do, I will feel such freedom.

Prayer is key to everything. I've always known this but it became even more real lately. I can pray at any moment of any day and I know God hears me. He is always ready to listen to my heart. I can share anything, absolutely anything, with Him. He does not judge me. He does not condemn me. He merely loves me. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I'm more forgiving. The Bible tells me that I'm to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. The softer-side of Bonnie has come forward. I want to hold, cuddle, kiss, caress, whisper words of truth to those around me. I want to say, “I love you.”I want to overlook faults and dismiss shortcomings. I'm learning to be more Christlike. "And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (Amplified Bible)

I've learned to live in the moment. Don't focus on tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year! Pay attention to exactly where you are right now and live in that precise moment. Cancer has taught me no longer to be a long range planner. Now I focus on what's happening this minute and I soak up every single second of that minute.

I've learned to prioritize. I've learned to think about things that are really important to me and the other things fall. Let it be. Let it go. Let it fall. And things will be okay...

I've learned to be purpose driven - I've learned to live my life with purpose. To focus on living my life fully. To go where God leads and do what He says do without hesitation, without question, without delay.

My identity is not tied up in my disease. I am not my breast cancer. It does not define me.

Multi-tasking is a thing of the past. I used to be a great multi-tasker. Every job I held demanded it. I had to learn to juggle 5 or 6 balls at one time not only in my workplace, but also in my home. Now that I'm older and I've gone through all these treatments, I just can't do it any longer. I find I am much better at doing one thing at a time and doing it well. It was hard to admit I can no longer write my blog, talk on the phone, and text my daughter all at the same time. I used to do those things so easily.

I forget things. Whether it's a sign of aging or results from medication or treatment, I don't really know...but I am not as sharp as I used to be. I find that making lists help me remember. I seem to be sharpest first thing in the morning so that's when I compile my lists. When I do forget something, I don't beat myself up over it. I just laugh and write it down on tomorrow's list of things to do.
Those are just a few of the things cancer has taught me. I'm sure I will learn many more valuable lessons in the future. It's amazing to me the depth of understanding that has come since my illness and even though I'm sharing these valuable life lessons with you, you probably won't truly understand them until some debilitating disease or tragedy touches your life. My hope is that you will take away something from this post...something that will cause you to think or re-evaluate your life before that time comes.

If I had to sum things up in just a few sentences, I would say this to you - "Be intentional in the way you live and love. Let go of the small things and always be ready to forgive. Embrace life and live it to the fullest. If you look for joy, you will find it."

Having breast cancer has not been easy, but it has changed me. It has changed me in ways I could never believe. For the last 8 months, I've been on a roller coaster of self discovery. God has shown me things about myself that I didn't like as well as things I loved. I have felt His hands upon me molding me and shaping me into a beautiful vessel for His use. I'm still not finished yet, but I can't wait to see what He does in my life in the days ahead. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The canvas reveals something deeper

Months ago, a friend of mine gave me a stack of blank canvases that she'd received as a donation from Michael's. She had the entire trunk of her car filled with craft supplies and told me that every time she visited her local craft store, they loaded her up. She laughed and exclaimed that her bald head must have something to do with it; you see, she had breast cancer too.

Yesterday, I was in a creative mood. I saw the stack of blank canvases lying on the table in my office and picked up a few of them. Grabbing my acrylic paints and brushes, I carried everything into the kitchen and spread them out on the table. The blank canvases stared at me for a long time. They were so plain and so white. As I sat there looking back at them, I wondered what I should paint. Glancing out the window, I received my inspiration. Beautiful trees surrounded our property and the colors of Fall were at their peak. The yellows, reds, oranges, greens, and browns were stunning. That's it, I thought to myself, I'll paint a tree.

I don't really consider myself an artist, but art has been good therapy for me since I've been recovering. As I paint, knit, crochet, or sew, I can lose myself in my crafting. I don't focus on anything other than what I'd doing at the time. I can be creative and express myself.

The canvases were small 11x14 sizes, so I decided to use 3 canvases to create a picture collage. On the first canvas, I lay down my background color and then switched over to the next canvas. I put a different background color on each canvas, then stepped back to see if they were pleasing to the eye. I liked the complimentary colors of the three canvases and went to work painting half of the tree on one canvas and half on another canvas. I did not purposely try to make the halves of the tree symmetrical, but after completing the sides of the tree, they were almost mirror images of one another. I added details to the tree bark and slipped in multicolored leaves. I was enjoying myself as I became lost in what I was doing. The third canvas, with a deep burgundy background,  would hold the roots to the tree. I decided to turn the canvas sideways so it fit nicely under the grouping of the other two canvases. As I began to paint the roots, the darkness of the tangled roots began to grow taking up almost the entire canvas.

I continued to brush in the roots of the tree and as I was working, a Scripture in Hebrews came to mind. This happens to me quite often and sometimes, I wonder if anyone else has the same thing happen to them. "Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled." (Hebrews 12:14-15). The mass of tangled roots were ugly and dark. Just like the seed of bitterness can be in someone's life.

The seed of bitterness...what exactly were they? As I thought more about it, I realized that a seed of bitterness comes directly from a hurt that has been harbored deep in the heart. The hurt could have been something done intentionally to a person, or it could have been something done unintentionally but in any event, the hurt was there...and the longer the hurt was left unattended, the more it would fester and grow. It would germinate.

I looked at my painting. The lovely Fall colors were so vibrant and pretty. The tree looked so sturdy and strong, but then there were the ugly roots...roots of bitterness. Did I have any roots of bitterness growing in my heart? I thought about the roots. Roots are underground and they are hidden from view. If I beheld any bitterness in my heart, it wouldn't be visible to anyone else unless they saw evidence of it. I could have roots of bitterness festering deep inside myself and no one would ever know unless I allowed the bitterness to overflow from my heart by anger, hurtful words, or hatefulness.

The more I stood there, the more I thought. Yes, I'd been hurt by many people in my life. Had I forgiven them all? Did I know my heart well enough to be able to say yes? No, I didn't. The Bible says the heart is deceitfully wicked, who can know it? The only way I could know clearly if I held any bitterness in my heart was to ask God to reveal it to me. If He revealed anything to me, the next thing I'd need was His grace to remove the hurt and bitterness. I knew I wouldn't be able to remove it myself.

Was I angry at God? Had I allowed a root of bitterness to form in my heart at God? I was hurt and angry that He'd allowed cancer into my life but I'd come to terms with it, or so I thought. Had I truly accepted God's sovereignty over my life?

I don't think it was a coincidence that I had painted this tree with the massive root system. I've been reading the book, The Bait of Satan, by John Bevere, and in that book, Mr. Bevere helps his readers understand the way Satan uses offenses to cause us to fall into the sin of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness and bitterness go hand in hand. Was God trying to emphasize something to me?

As I finished up my painting and washed my brushes clean, I could almost hear God whisper to my heart, "You have some roots of bitterness you need to deal with, my child." I put my art supplies away and took my Bible from the shelf. I read Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I know in the next few days, He will reveal to me any unforgiveness or bitterness I've harbored. When He does, I'll intentionally forgive and release those hurts from my heart. I'll allow His perfect grace and mercy to flood my soul and cleanse it, replacing the hurt with His love. 

It's so important to forgive quickly. When I was first married, my great Aunt gave me a set of sheets as a wedding gift. Along the top edge of the sheets she had written, " Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." Ephesians 4:26. I'll never forget how I felt when I first saw those sheets. They were a beautiful, pale shade of sun-kissed yellow. Though it's been almost 40 years since I unfolded her sweet gift and placed them on my bed, I can still see her beautiful penmanship in my mind. What a sweet reminder to always be quick to forgive and slow to anger. In so doing, we can keep those little seeds of bitterness from ever taking root in our heart. 

I glanced down at the 3 canvases lying on my kitchen table. I'd completed my collage and I was pleased. It amazes me how God can use the simplest of things to speak to my heart on a daily basis. He used those roots to illuminate my heart. Do you have any unconfessed hurts or roots of bitterness in your heart today? You can't discover them on your own. The only way you can know is to ask God to reveal them to you. When He does, be quick to forgive, forget, and release those harbored hurts into His loving arms of grace. You don't want your heart to ever hide roots of bitterness. Even one tiny root can cause great devastation and destruction in your life. 

Evidence of a root of bitterness include hypersensitivity, a critical spirit, holding grudges, inability to forgive, mood swings, and even depression. A root of bitterness will affect you not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." (Ephesians 4:31) Bitterness is like an acid slowly destroying the container that holds it. Don't let bitterness take root in your heart. If someone hurts you, quickly forgive them. Sometimes they may not even know they hurt you, so be sure to check your spirit. Don't give Satan the bait to allow you to hold onto an offense. When you release the offender and let it go, you free yourself too.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Any act of kindness is never small

There's a tube of medicated Chapstick sitting on the nightstand beside my bed. It's been there for the past four months, and it's there to remind me of an act of kindness, one I received when I needed it most.

I had just been wheeled into my room, still groggy from anesthesia. For the past few hours, I'd been in the recovery room sleeping. It takes me a long time to wake up after surgery. The nurses had constantly come to rouse me and each time they did, I'd wake for a few minutes and then fall immediately back asleep. This cycle continued until they were able to sit me upright and have me remain conscious for more than a few minutes. My family was already in the room anticipating my arrival.

Things are still fuzzy in my mind about that day, but I do remember several family members surrounding me. Speaking was difficult because my throat was so dry. After a few sips of water, I finally found my voice. I answered the usual caring questions, "how are you feeling?" or "do you need anything?" It was nice to see familiar faces and to know they loved me enough to come. I must have dozed in between questions because one minute the room was full of people and the next minute it was almost empty. But there is one thing I remember vividly.

My lips were so dry and parched. I kept trying to lick them to moisten them but it wasn't working. I remember making a comment about how dry my lips were and that's when my daughter in law said she had a Chapstick that might help. She pulled it out of her purse and gave it to me. I'll never forget that small act of kindness. The medicated Chapstick felt so soothing as I applied it to my lips. Within just a few seconds, I felt revived. She didn't realize it at the time and neither did I, but that small act of kindness taught me so much.

I was able to go home from the hospital a day later. When we arrived, my husband helped arrange all of the bandages and medical supplies on the bathroom counter so I could reach them easily. As we unpacked my overnight bag, we tossed the clothes into the washer and put away the other items. Deep in the inside pocket of my bag was the little tube of Chapstick. I took it out and held it in my hands. That little tube held such great importance to me. Not only had the medicated wax soothed my cracked and parched lips, but it had soothed my soul as well. I had needed the Chapstick and my daughter in law had given it to me freely. She had blessed me and I don't even think she realized how much that unselfish act had touched my heart.

One of Aesop's famous sayings is " no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." That saying is so very true. In my case, the simple act of my daughter in law being willing to part with her tube of Chapstick spoke volumes to me. It meant that she had seen my need and cared enough to help meet it. She had put her love into action. She had shown me kindness. Her kindness was intentional.

That little tube of Chapstick will stay on my nightstand for a long time. It's there to remind me to be kind to others...to be intentional in showing love...to never forget kindnesses done to me. "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." Yes, it is true. She didn't have to give me her new Chapstick. She could have kept quiet and let me struggle with parched, dry lips...but she didn't. She chose to sacrifice. She chose to love. You may be thinking that I'm making a big deal out of nothing but to me, it was a really BIG deal.

When we see a need and help to meet it, we show the love of Christ. A good example is found in the book of Luke. The story of the good Samaritan shows how love was put into action in a Christlike manner. In the story, the Samaritan went out of his way to go above and beyond the call of duty...he not only cleaned and bandaged the man's wounds, but put him up in an inn until he could come back through town and check on him. He paid the innkeeper for the man's lodging and also paid him for taking care of the man while he was away.

That gift of a soothing balm was a small act of kindness, one that could have been easily overlooked by many. I choose to be reminded of it daily and that's why I keep the Chapstick right beside my bed. It's the first thing I see when I wake up each morning and it reminds me to always make my words and my actions intentional. Kindness and love go hand in hand. Don't ever think that one small gesture of kindness is too small to share. You never know how it may impact someone's life for years to come.

Look for ways to show love by being kind. Random acts of kindness are the most fun for me. I love looking for little ways to bless others. There are many ideas on the internet if you need help planning ways to help others. Here's one: http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas
If you aren't quite ready to step out and show kindness to others, take a day to just record every kind deed done to you in one day. You'll be surprised by the number of small kindnesses that come your way. Perhaps someone will hold open a door for you or send you an encouraging email...if you look, you'll find them! As we become kindness seekers, we'll also become kindness sharers. Kindness is contagious. Try it and you'll see!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The Parable of the Good Samaritan 
²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
²⁷ He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]”
²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
²⁹ But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
³⁰ In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹ A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³² So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³ But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴ He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵ The next day he took out two denarii^[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
³⁶ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
³⁷ The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.” Luke 10:25-37 New International Version

The Bait of Satan

It's hard to believe it's been 4 months since surgery. The days have been filled with all things related to healing. Visits to physicians continue, but are much less frequent now. My energy is slowly returning albeit vastly different than in the past. Sleeping remains a challenge and I rotate between insomnia and medicated sleep. Scars remain but are less prominent now. Daily I don my sleeves for Lymphedema and when out in public, I wear my prostheses. But I am alive and I am thankful.  

The holidays have been on my mind a lot lately, in just a few weeks it will be Thanksgiving. That has always been a special time for me. I love the gathering together of family to celebrate our many blessings, but this year will be vastly different than Thanksgivings past. My thanksgiving is more deliberate. This year, I will celebrate life, and while I'm always thankful for living; I've never really focused on how grateful I am to be alive, but this year, I will. It's funny how Cancer changes your perspective on things...things big and small.

My days have been consumed with deep thinking. Sometimes I think so long and so hard, I feel like my head might explode...but having an abundance of free time provides a lot of room for random thoughts. The thing I've been thinking about the most lately has been about brokenness in my family. The brokenness is so unnecessary and so painful. Once again, I have to thank Cancer for giving me a new perspective. In the past, I wouldn't have let things like this bother me so much but now, time is short and I don't want a single day to be wasted.

Besides thinking, I've been reading. I'm reading a book that I've already read several times before, but it's one of those books that needs to be read over and over again. The book's title is the Bait of Satan by John Bevere and the focus of the book is on how to learn to live free from the deadly trap of offense. Mr. Bevere clearly and concisely helps his readers see and understand how easily it is to become offended. He also teaches the proper response we should have as Christians when we are confronted with offenses. How perfectly this book fits into my longing to have restoration in my family.

This morning, as I was praying, God took me to the book of Exodus, the fifteenth chapter. In this chapter, Moses is leading the Israelites from the Red Sea into the wilderness. They are traveling in the hot desert and they're thirsty. They come to a place called Marah, which means "bitter waters," or bitterness. They can't find drinkable water. They're miserable and tired. They're complaining. They're telling Moses they're thirsty and they want him to fix it. So Moses cries out to God. God shows Moses a tree and tells him to throw it into the water. So Moses obeys the Lord's command and the water instantly becomes drinkable.

As I read this passage, I felt God speaking to my heart. The bitter waters of Marah were symbolic of the brokenness in my family. I've tried everything I could think of to "fix" the brokenness. I've written letters, made phone calls, sent texts, apologized for my part in the brokenness and done everything I've felt God telling me to do and still, the brokenness remains. This morning, God impressed on my heart that all my attempts to "fix" things were futile. There is nothing more I can do. Now it's up to Him to do the mending...to prepare hearts to receive and understand...to allow healing to take place. He reminded me that love will be the key...that love covers a multitude of sin and yes, offenses, whether real or perceived to be real, are great tools in Satan's hands.

So in this season of giving thanks, I have been torn. My heart is so full of joy at being given a second chance at life but at the same time, my heart is wounded and broken. There should never be bitterness and hurt between family members, especially in families where Christ is the head. But families are made of humans, and humans are flesh and blood...they don't always remember to walk in the spirit...words wound and feelings are hurt...the waters become bitter. I long to find the tree that can heal the waters. But God specifically told me that I won't find it...it is not for me to find...He will provide it, in His time and in His way. All I can do is wait.

The leaves are slowly letting go. I watch as they fall one by one to the ground. The day we set aside to focus on giving thanks will soon be here. Instead of gathering together as we once did in the past, my family will be scattered. Those of us who are able to get together will spend the day remembering the many blessings God has granted this year, and the others will be covered in prayer.

The days are shorter now and dark falls quickly. There's no time to waste. My heart's desire is to have the wounded hearts healed. That is my daily prayer and I know God will honor my request in His perfect timing.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

²² Then Moses led Israel onward from the Red Sea and they went into the Wilderness of Shur; they went three days [thirty-three miles] in the wilderness and found no water.

²³ When they came to Marah, they could not drink its waters for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah [bitterness].

²⁴ The people murmured against Moses, saying, What shall we drink?

²⁵ And he cried to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a tree which he cast into the waters, and the waters were made sweet. There [the Lord] made for them a statute and an ordinance, and there He proved them,

²⁶ Saying, If you will diligently hearken to the voice of the Lord your God and will do what is right in His sight, and will listen to and obey His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases upon you which I brought upon the Egyptians, for I am the Lord Who heals you.

²⁷ And they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs of water and seventy palm trees; and they encamped there by the waters. Exodus 15 Amplified Bible

I am not a has been

"I am not a has-been. I am a will be." - Lauren Bacall

A well meaning friend sent me a picture of a pink Christmas tree yesterday. She said, "I thought of you when I saw this." I was dumbfounded. Why does everyone seem to think just because I have breast cancer that suddenly I'm enamored with the color pink?

When I was growing up, I hated pink. I was a tomboy. I wore jeans and tennis shoes. I loved playing war with my brother. Deep in the woods we'd trek until we had climbed over tree branches, creeks, hills, and barbed wire. I loved hearing the leaves crunching under my feet and didn't mind twigs tangled in my hair or "hitch hikers" attaching to my pants legs. The girls at school would have cringed if they had known my secret...that I hated wearing dresses and I would rather be playing football in the mud with the neighborhood guys instead of having a tea party. Pink was just not my color. Pink gave me no pleasure.  Even now, at almost 57, I consider myself a tomboy. I hate wearing dresses.

But tomboys can still be tenderhearted. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store. I chose to go to Kroger because it was Wednesday, and Wednesday was senior citizen's day and seniors get a 10% discount. The first time I had ever received a senior discount, I had to ask for it. The woman behind the counter didn't believe I was over 55. I had to show her my driver's license. She said,  "you don't look your age." I was flattered. I've always prided myself on looking young. But yesterday, the cashier did not give me the discount. When I confronted her about it, she said, "we only give the discount to seniors 60 and up." I told her I'd always received the discount in Dekalb County Kroger stores and had been told the policy was 55 and up. I asked to speak to the manager. The manager was adamant about their 60 and up policy. As I left the store, I cried. Rivers of black mascara cascaded down my cheeks. Why was I so upset? Was it because of the rejection I'd just faced at the store or was it something deeper?

When I got home, it took thirty minutes to bring the groceries in and get them all put away. I was so frustrated at not being strong enough to carry more than one or two bags at a time. On the kitchen counter, my bottle of Arimidex, the antihormone therapy, sat reminding me that in just a few more days, I'll face a whole new set of challenges. Challenges of bone pain, fatigue, hair loss, mood changes....

Walking into my bedroom, I glanced down at my dresser. There on the dresser top lay several breast cancer bracelets I'd received in the mail from friends. More pink! I hadn't bothered to put them on, I hated pink. I stripped off my Lymphedema sleeves and changed into a flannel shirt. At least at home, I could be comfortable and be my true self.

I made a bowl of soup and sat down at the table to eat lunch. In front of me, I had a stack of magazines. I began flipping through the top one and almost every other page had something pink on it! Pink ribbons were everywhere. I closed the magazine and sat silently for a few minutes. I realized why I'd had the meltdown in the Kroger parking lot. It wasn't that I didn't receive my senior discount, it was about my feeling helpless to control all the changes that have and are taking place in my life. Those pink ribbons are constant reminders that I'm not who I once was...that I am someone different.

Walking into the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. "Who are you?" I thought to myself. On first glance, I see myself as a mid forties woman with a fresh coat of makeup, fairly attractive, looking healthy and fit. But then, as I take a second look...I see a facade. I see a wrinkled woman who's learned the fine art of camouflage. I see fading hair color revealing various shades of gray. I see a woman with no feminine form. I see a deep sadness and pain. I force myself to look for a few minutes longer and then it is too much and I turn away. "I hate pink," I say to myself.

The holidays are coming. In just a few weeks it will be Thanksgiving. Normally, I would prepare a huge feast and have all the children and grandchildren over for dinner. This year, I'm too tired to do it. Two of my daughters have agreed to pick up the slack. They are going to take care of all the details. They'll come to my house and prepare the food. We'll celebrate being together. We'll celebrate being alive and my heart will be overcome with God's goodness. Usually, after the meal is finished, we set up the Christmas tree. It's usually a time filled with fun and joy. This year, I'm just not feeling it. I have no desire to put up the tree...no desire to buy gifts...no desire at all. I want to slap myself silly and say, "what's the matter with you!" I know I have so much to be thankful for and I should be overjoyed to celebrate the holidays but something inside has changed. It hurts me to realize I'm not the same as I used to be...I'm different. I wonder if the kids can see it. I hope they don't. I don't want to upset them.

I know I'm suffering from depression and that really scares me. It's not like me to feel down in the dumps and so alone. As I face this reality, I also realize that even when I don't quite recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror, God does. He doesn't look at my outsides but my insides. He looks on my heart. He knows the trauma I've faced this year. He knows what it's done to my self esteem. He knows I'm struggling and still, He loves me. This grown up old tomboy with wrinkled face and graying hair...this old woman with no breasts, He still loves. Now it's up to me to learn to love myself again...to realize I'm not a "has been" but a "will be." Maybe a good romp in the woods would help jog my memory a little bit.

Breast cancer awareness is symbolized by the color pink and that's okay if it causes women to check their breasts but if you know someone with breast cancer, be sensitive to the fact that the color pink may not be their "new" favorite color. Some women with breast cancer want to surround themselves with pink everything but many do not. It's hard to be constantly reminded of what was instead of what is now. Each of us have to process things in our own way and for me, pink is a constant symbol of the fact that my life is no longer the same. So no, this year, I won't be putting up a pink Christmas tree and I won't be donning my green tree with pink ribbons. In fact, I may not put up a tree at all. Perhaps I'll just take a walk in the woods, where nothing is pink, and enjoy the beauty of nature. That sounds like a tomboy's dream to me, and if I get the urge, I may just climb up in the tree and sit there for a while just thinking of the me that is still to come...the me that will be.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

Heart and soul

Waiting for a new grandchild to arrive is very stressful, especially when you're almost 2000 miles away, but waiting teaches us patience, right? I guess I'm the most impatient person in the world because God is continually working on that area of my life. My oldest daughter went into labor yesterday morning and now, almost 27 hours later, we still have no grandchild. I would be lying if I didn't say I was concerned, she's already had 3 Cesarean sections and two of her previous three births were breech. I feel so helpless...all I can do is pray.

On the way to the cardiologist's office for my followup appointment, I prayed. I asked God to guide the hands of the midwife and all those helping my daughter during the birthing process. I prayed for my sweet daughter, that God would give her strength to endure the difficult labor pains, and I prayed for my unborn grandchild...for God to take care of and bless that little one. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving, for the miracle of life. I prayed prayers of gratitude that our family was growing once again, but most of all, I prayed that I would be instrumental in helping to guide this new life into a saving knowledge of the Lord, Jesus Christ one day.

At that doctor's office, as I sat on the examination table, I listened as the doctor went over the recent test results with me. The stress test and the echocardiogram revealed I was still experiencing PVC'S (premature ventricular contractions.) The cardiologist wasn't as concerned about my enlarged right ventricle as he was with the PVC's so he decided to change my medication and wants me to wear a heart monitor to record the number of PVC'S and their frequency. I'm glad he's diligent to protect my heart. I was also thankful he gave me the okay to walk again. I haven't had the energy to do much of anything lately. It will feel good to get back on the treadmill and when the weather is a little warmer, I can start hiking again!

Today is the first day since my surgery that I've actually felt almost normal...not quite, but almost. I guess this "new normal" is going to take some getting used to and though it's not like the old normal, maybe I can find a way to adapt to the way things are now.

It's hard to believe it's been almost 8 months since I first found the mass in my right breast.  In just the blink of an eye, my heart and soul have changed. My heart has experienced physical changes, but more importantly, emotional changes. I feel almost like the Grinch on Christmas day, when his heart was changed...."And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!" My heart seems to have increased exponentially in its capacity to love. I never dreamed I could love more than I already did, but I do. Since my diagnosis of cancer, I've been able to see things so differently and to love more profoundly than ever before. It's amazing and I'm thankful. My soul has changed too. Cancer has changed me, and for the better. I just didn't "get it" before...but now I do. I feel like I've found a wonderful, mysterious secret that I'd never know before. Who would have thought that it would take a deadly disease to make me understand...certainly not me, but oh, how I see so much more clearly now.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Discovering my pearl

In 2009, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to China on a mission trip. I'd never been out of the country in my life, so this was going to be a wonderful adventure. There were so many things I was looking forward to experiencing...the people, the culture, the sights and sounds...everything would be a new and exciting memory.

After arriving in the country and getting acclimated for a few days,  I felt more at ease. Amid our busy days of service teaching Chinese students English as a second language, our team leader and host missionaries planned small sight seeing trips. One of the trips took us to Gulangyu Island where we were able to meet the owner of Pearl World, a small shop specializing in pearl jewelry. The pearls were collected daily by local divers and the owner of the shop made the pearls into beautiful necklaces, bracelets, and rings. I enjoyed talking with the owner and learning how the pearls are formed.

She explained that pearls are produced when a foreign object enters an oyster's shell. It usually begins forming around a grain of sand or an egg of some parasite that invaded the oyster. The oyster protects itself by layering the irritant with nacre—mother-of-pearl—until, out of pain and suffering, it forms an object of great beauty. The offending particle actually becomes a gem of great worth!

Today, as I was rummaging through my dresser drawers, I came across a little black velvet bag. I knew immediately what the bag contained...my pearls. I took them out of their protective casing and held them in my hand. They were so smooth, so round, so white. As I fingered the pearls, I couldn't help but wonder how the oyster could take something that was meant to cause irritation and transform it into something so beautiful. I wondered if I could relate to cancer the same way.

Perhaps I'll never know why God allowed cancer into my life but surely it was for my benefit. Perhaps He wanted me to understand that although it was a constant source of irritation,  something of great beauty would come of it one day. Could I layer my suffering like the oyster had to create a product of great worth? No. Could God do it? Yes!

Daily I struggle and am reminded of the irritation of the effects cancer has had in my life. But instead of focusing on the irritant, I want to focus on the layers that God is applying over it. One of the first layers I've seen is the layer of peace. Things that normally would cause me worry or concern are gone and have been replaced with God's inexplicable peace. Another layer I'm seeing is the layer of love. In the past, although love has always been present, it wasn't as unconditional as it is now. I am finding I am able to see things through God's eyes...through His love...instead of through my own earthly eyes. Another layer I see growing is the layer of hope. God has been applying His truths to my injury and is smoothing out the rough edges. I have a feeling the next layer to come will be the layer of joy! Layer upon layer, a precious gem is built and who, in looking at the precious pearl, would ever know that it all began with something so painful?

As I slipped the strand of pearls back into the velvet bag, I offered a silent prayer of thanks to God for the miracle of healing. Although it hasn't been easy, I know He's layering His love all over my pain and making it into something of great worth. Cancer will constantly be a reminder of a huge struggle in my life but God's layering of peace, love, hope, and joy will make the ugliness of the struggle beautiful.


©bonnie annis all rights reserved