This year has been a hard one, probably one of the hardest I've ever experienced in my life thus far to be more accurate. I've tried to understand...tried to accept...tried to trust, but it's been hard. There have been days when I've managed to slide by, not focusing on the hard that's come my way and then there are those dark days...the days that envelope me...the days that overpower me and cause me to look around instead of up...but today, today has been a different day.
Music has always been a huge part of my life. I love the way it speaks to my soul. I could sit for hours and listen to beautiful instrumental music allowing it to wash over me and comfort me with its easiness...the mindlessness of it, never having to focus on a thing, just hearing the melodious notes...tone upon tone, building in a beautiful crescendo until the piece is fading into nothingness. I need music. I don't think I could live without it. Music affects me deeply and so today, I searched. I searched for a song that would be my theme....a song that would share the depth of emotion that I've felt since finding out I have cancer. I wanted a song that would speak to your heart too and help you understand that though the days have been hard, they've also been good. They've been life changing and serene. God has been with me.
The song I chose is called It is well and if you click on the link, you can hear it. It's not the song you think...it's not, "It is well with my soul," although that song is mixed into this rendition. I've always loved the song, "It is well with my soul" by Horatio Spafford. Mr. Spafford was a wealthy Chicago lawyer living in the 18th century. He had a
thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a
son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the
Scriptures. Mr. Spafford came to write this well known song after a horrible family tragedy where all four of his daughters drowned. His song has spoken to many hearts that have been broken over the years and has spoken to mine too.
When I heard the rendition of "It is well" by Kristine DeMarco and Bethel Music, I knew I'd found my song...a song representative of all I've been through, all I've come through, and where I am currently in my cancer journey. When I first heard her song, I listened to it over and over again and let my soul absorb every word. It was as if I'd found a song that spoke the words of my heart...every single one of them. Words I've cried out to my Savior over the past few days, telling Him how much I love Him...how much I adore Him...how much I trust Him completely.
It hasn't been easy getting to this place in my life. It has taken a great deal of effort to finally be at peace with cancer. I fought it so hard in the beginning until I realized God had chosen it for me. And so today, I can honestly say, it is well with me. It is well that I have cancer. It is well because I know that God is here...right in the middle of my journey. He's never left me. He's been with me since the beginning and through it all, I have learned to trust completely.
There are times when life is so confusing. We wish we could understand everything all at once but instead, God only allows us to get a tiny glimpse of what He's doing. If we struggle and fight against the hard things that come our way, we make the journey even more difficult than it has to be but...if we can learn to lean into the hard and trust God completely, we can learn to say "it is well" and mean it. We can let go of everything that is hindering us and holding us tightly and just relax allowing our soul to become rightly aligned with His heart and one day, one day when He sees fit, He'll show us what the journey was all about. We'll understand completely why we had to endure days of hard and days of pain. We'll be able to look upon the struggle with eyes that see clearly and we can say without reservation..."it is well."
Oh my Savior...I want to be wrapped up in your love. I want to cease struggling against You and learn to just rest. Thank you Father for being so patient with me...so understanding...so loving and kind. You are such a gentle Father and you love me so well. I am thankful I was able to find a song that gave words to my heart's longings. I release all of my worries, all of my unanswered questions, all of myself to You and I say, "it is well, Father, and through it all, I trust You completely." You never change and for that I am grateful. You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Through it all, my eyes are on You. I choose to trust You, Father, through it all, and I know you hear my prayer and will answer according to your will. Amen.
Click here if you missed the link for the song above! I hope it blessed your heart as it did mine.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved
Friday, December 26, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Unwrapping the greatest gift of all, Jesus
"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son..." you remember it, don't you? That very first important verse you learned in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School. But can you say it in its entirety? "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Yes. The gift. The most important gift of all...everlasting life! And God gave it freely to anyone who would accept His gift...that's right, all you had to do was open your arms and accept... and did you?
Gifts! Everyone loves gifts. The beautiful wrappings, the bows, the ribbons, the pretty paper! There's something wonderful about making a present look beautiful. And oh, how the receiver will appreciate the gift and be filled with excitement upon receipt. Gifts and giving of gifts...so much emotion is tied into the choosing and into the giving, and then there's the love...the BIG LOVE that comes when the perfect gift is chosen for that special someone...all the care...all the time spent in picking out the perfect thing...
There's a story I heard once, about gifts. I'd like to share it with you and hope you'll understand more about the importance of gift giving. Some years ago, a missionary in a small coastal village in East Africa was explaining to kids, who never had anything of their own, why believers give gifts to each other on Christmas day. "The gift,” she said, “is an expression of our joy over the birth of Jesus and our friendship for each other." When Christmas came, one little boy brought the teacher a unique and a very beautiful seashell. She asked, "Where on earth did you ever find such a beautiful shell?"
”There’s only one place,” the lad said, and he named an isolated bay several miles away.
So taken by the beauty of the little shell and how far the child had to go to get it, she finally stammered: "Why ... why, it’s gorgeous ... wonderful, but you shouldn’t have gone all that way to get the gift for me." His dark eyes brightened to match the beam of his smile as he explained, "Long walk part of gift." Each step of the way, the child anticipated the joy his gift would bring as he trudged the many miles to bring it back. Do you understand? Do you get the picture?
That story made me think about the gift God chose for us...Jesus. His gift was specifically chosen for you and for me. And in His choosing, God took the long walk from Heaven to Bethlehem...the long journey was part of the gift. He chose to travel from paradise to a dingy, dark manger; from that hay-filled stable to a cross; from that rugged cross to a borrowed tomb; and from the grave back to heaven. Have you ever wondered why He went to all that trouble to give us the perfect and best gift? Can you hear our gracious Heavenly Father whispering to your heart..."long walk part of gift?"
When all the unwrapping is done and the paper and bows are strewn across the floor, don't forget to unwrap the most important gift of all, Jesus. Don't leave Him underneath the tree. Don't forget the BIG LOVE with which the Father chose the gift...
Unwrap the Gift of His Love.
You may be wondering how you can unwrap the love of Christ. The easiest way to unwrap His love is to accept Him as your Savior. Believe He is who He says He is! Take the free gift He has given you. If you haven't done that yet, it's the first step. I'm so grateful that Christ loved us so much that He wants to take us to Heaven to be with Him. I also love the fact that His love sustains us while we're here on earth. Every day I wake up, I find the love of Christ. The love of Christ is one of those gifts that we need to share with others too. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!
"[That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]" Ephesians 3:19
Nothing can take that gift of love away from us either. The Bible says so!
"Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39
Unwrap the Gift of Grace.
God's BIG LOVE is filled with gifts! Another gift we can unwrap is the gift of grace. Through Christ we have access to that wonderful grace that's given to us. Not a gift we deserve, but because of Christ has chosen to give it to us.
"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God." Romans 5:1,2
"But not as the offense, so also is the free gift. For if through the offense of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is by one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many." Romans 5:15
"That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:7
Unwrap the Gift of the Resurrection.
This is one of those gifts that it's worth getting excited about. Without the resurrection of Christ, we have nothing.
And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins." 1 Corinthians 15:17
When we unwrap this part of the gift and dwell on it awhile, we should get really excited!
"Now sin is the sting of death, and sin exercises its power [upon the soul] through [the abuse of] the Law. But thanks be to God, Who gives us the victory [making us conquerors] through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:56,57
" Praised (honored, blessed) be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah)! By His boundless mercy we have been born again to an ever-living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." 1 Peter 1:3
Unwrap the Gift of Inheritance.
Because of Christ, we can become heirs of God. Now that's a gift! Just knowing that we will inherit all the good things He has to give us...all of His attributes, all of His wonderful qualities, everything that is His will be ours too! And all because our loving Heavenly Father wants to give...to bless His children...
"[Born anew] into an inheritance which is beyond the reach of change and decay [imperishable], unsullied and unfading, reserved in heaven for you" 1 Peter 1:4
"The Spirit Himself [thus] testifies together with our own spirit, [assuring us] that we are children of God. And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:16-17
There's so very much we are given through the gift of Christ. The ones listed are just some of the things we gain with a life in Christ. Can't you just see it? It's like there's a huge Christmas tree and the bottom is stuffed with gifts and the branches are weighed down heavy with gifts tucked in just for us. We have wonderful and precious promises, strength, the Holy Spirit, peace, joy, and so much more because of the Lord Jesus Christ. Because of Christ our lives can become so full, so rich, so meaningful.
"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10
On Christmas day, have you ever seen a tree with the gifts left unwrapped? I haven't! Most of us don't leave our gifts unwrapped under the tree. We want to see what's inside. Maybe we should spend more time in the Word and in prayer finding those things that the Lord would have for us. Perhaps we should spend more time saying, "thank you" for our gifts and appreciate them more. I know I need to work on this. I don't want to miss out on anything or forget to say "thank you." I want to make sure I am grateful for the most precious gift of all. I want to make sure I don't forget to unwrap Jesus.
"For God so LOVED (with the biggest love EVER) the world, that He GAVE (He chose, this gift specifically for you and for me) His ONLY begotten Son (the most precious gift He had to offer), that WHOSOEVER (anyone...everyone...) believeth in Him would not perish (would not die an eternal death in the fires of hell receiving just punishment for their sin) but have everlasting life (a life always in His presence enjoying all He has to give us forever)....
"If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 10:9
"But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." You can’t work for what is freely given. Romans 4:5
"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8
"He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him." John 3:36
It’s the NEW life that puts your name in God’s book. The righteousness of Christ, himself, is deposited to your account.
"For he (God) hath made him(Jesus) to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." 2 Corinthians 5:21
The REAL Christmas is that GOD who so loved the world ... that he gave his only begotten son ... that whosoever believes on him should not perish ... but have everlasting life.
If you don't know Jesus...if you don't have Him in your life, you can have His free gift of salvation. It's there for the asking! All you have to do is pray this prayer and mean it from the bottom of your heart: Dear Lord Jesus, Please forgive me. I am a sinner. I have sinned against you by not keeping your commandments. I know I am lost and I need a Savior. I want to be sure that when I die, I will go to heaven. I can't do anything on my own to get there. I can't ever be good enough...no matter how hard I try. I believe you are the Son of God. I believe you came to earth to die on the cross for us...for me...you came to die for me! Even if there was no one else on the earth, you still would have come and died for me...because the Bible says that the wages of sin are death and sin is whenever I deliberately disobey your laws and choose my own way over your way. I know that you promise everlasting life if I believe in You. I choose, as an act of my will, to believe in You. To believe that You are now in me and I am in you and that we are one! I believe that God sent you to earth to die on the cross but on the third day, you were raised from the grave and now you are forever at the right hand of the Father. I submit my will to yours and I ask you to come into my heart and become the Lord of my life. And I know that if I ask, you hear my prayer and answer it because of your great love for me. Thank you Lord for coming into my heart and saving me! I have accepted your free gift of salvation and I will live my life for you from this day forward. Amen.
So, have you unwrapped all of your presents? Have you unwrapped Jesus?
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Monday, December 22, 2014
Oh my aching back!
One of the perks of working for a chiropractor was the ability to receive free spinal adjustments. Although I wasn't aware of having any back problems, I decided to have the doctor adjust me one day. I'd had a migraine headache all day long and it just wouldn't go away. When he told me he could fix it, I decided to give chiropractic a try.
I went in to the examination room, put on the gown and waited for the doctor to come in. My head was pounding and I felt sick at my stomach. He came in to the room and had me lie down on the table as he checked every single vertebrae in my spine. As he lightly touched the places that were out of alignment, I could feel discomfort. As he began to adjust me, I felt instant relief. It was amazing! The doctor showed me a chart when he was through adjusting me. He explained how nerves from all over our bodies are attached to our spine. It was fascinating to know that when my head hurt, I could have my spine adjusted and the pain would disappear. Within a week or two, I was sold on chiropractic and the benefits of natural healing to the body.
Today, my back hurts, my arms hurt, every joint in my body is telling me I'm not as young as I used to be. In fact, I think they're screaming, "what in the world were you thinking???" They don't just ache and they aren't just stiff, they hurt! I wish I still worked for the chiropractor because if I did, I know he could adjust me and make me good as new. But, I don't have anyone to adjust me any longer. Since surgery, my body has been in agony. The muscles and tendons that were deeply cut are no longer the same. I can't move the way I used to move. It takes great effort to do things that once used to be easy.
Last night was our family Christmas gathering. I worked for days beforehand getting everything ready...cleaning and scrubbing, mopping and vacuuming, dusting and doing...making sure everything would be perfect. And everything was perfect. We had a lovely time sharing a delicious meal, good conversation and reminiscing over Christmases past, but I should have known better.I stayed up late watching a movie with one of my daughters. I don't stay up late any more...usually, I'm in bed by 9:30 p.m. It was a Christmas movie and it was really good...I thought it would be okay, just this once. I'm not that old!
Today, I've suffered from all the work I did preparing, from staying up late, from picking up my granddaughter and doing things I shouldn't have done...but, I thought I could handle...WRONG. It seems my body isn't as strong as it used to be and I haven't been listening to it like I should. It's been telling me it's tired and needs to rest but I didn't heed the warnings. My poor aching back! I don't want to complain, really, but it just hurts.
Why do we focus so much on comfort? We want everything to be easy. We don't want to have to put forth any effort. Why don't we appreciate the good along with the bad? Every ache, every pain reminds me that I'm still alive. Yes, picking up my granddaughter, who weighs 25 pounds, wasn't a good thing to do but that smile...that impish little grin she gave me...it was worth it. All the cleaning and scrubbing, yes, it was taxing, but the reward was greater...just knowing my children and grandchildren would come in to a nice clean home, was priceless. Staying up late, when my body said "no, don't do it, you'll be sorry," was totally worth it because it gave me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. So yes, I'm hurting, but it's okay.
The rain today hasn't helped much. I've always heard it makes the joints ache and now I know that to be true, but even though my body is screaming out in agony, I can laugh louder than the rain. All these aches and pains...maybe they really aren't screaming out at me. Maybe they're just trying to remind me that I'm still alive and that life is a gift and I need to remember this truth.
Someone once said that life is like a sponge that is totally saturated with good things to enjoy. The harder we squeeze, the more life pours out onto us...well, I want to visualize myself squeezing every last bit of life from that sponge! I want to squeeze it so hard that it hurts.
Maybe it's not so much about being comfortable all the time...maybe it's more about thriving in the uncomfortable. Maybe it's about embracing the struggle instead of trying to find an easier way. I hope I will always remember to live life to the fullest and even when my body hurts, that I'll be listening when I hear it whispering, "be thankful you're alive!"
Indeed, my back is hurting and I would give anything for an adjustment right about now, but I'll take the pain and I'll be grateful for it because as long as I can still feel it...I'm still here and that's definitely a plus.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Thursday, December 18, 2014
His Grace is enough
Oh readers! I have so much to share today. God has been teaching me so many important truths as I've journeyed through the trial of Breast Cancer. As you've read, I'm sure you've been able to tell if I was having a good day or a bad day...if I was walking in the flesh or in the spirit. I am human. I have not always pleased God in the ways I've responded to this season of suffering, but He has been so gracious to me. In His love and mercy, He's been patiently waiting for me to understand His purposes. He's allowed me to fall into the deepest pits of despair, and He's lifted me out with His mighty, strong arm. Today, I was given a glimpse into a Scripture I've read thousands of times over, but today, I understood it as it related to my own personal journey and I'd like to share just a little of that with you.
In 2 Corinthians chapter 12, Paul is speaking to the Corinthians trying to help them understand God's grace. Listen to what he says: " But
He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is
enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear
the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" 2 Corinthians 12:9Amplified Bible (AMP)
Isn't that powerful?! God says His grace is ENOUGH! It's not too much or too little, it's perfectly enough...exactly what we need, when we need it and He knows exactly how much that is because He loves us so very much. Did you catch the next part of the verse? It says it "enables you to bear the trouble manfully"... But if you keep reading, you'll see that our strength and power comes from Christ. It isn't our strength that gets us through trials and tribulations, it's His strength! The part I love the most is the part where he says "My strength and power are made PERFECT and show themselves MOST EFFECTIVE in your weakness." Wow!
God's grace has been ENOUGH to sustain me, to guide me, to protect me, and to teach me during this whole Breast Cancer ordeal. From the very first time I felt the mass in my breast until just a few minutes ago, God has decided exactly how much grace I'd need at the very moment I needed it. He never gave me an overabundance of grace and said, "save some of that grace so you can use it tomorrow or next week," no! He gave me just enough to get me through that exact situation, that exact trial, in His perfect timing too.
So, what else do I have to say about the fact that God's grace is enough? Well, I can only say that I agree with Paul. Even though he suffered terribly and was treated unkindly over and over again, God was there with Him. He saw the suffering. He saw the trials. He knew exactly what Paul needed and that was grace. Paul knew that God's grace gave him the strength to bear the trials God allowed to come into his life. When he understood that clearly, he was able to not only accept his trials but to GLORY in them! Glory??? Yes, the Amplified version of the Bible says he will "all the more gladly glory in weaknesses and infirmities." Now, it's pretty awesome when you can thank God when you're going through some sort of trying time but to GLORY in them, that's downright amazing! But, if you really understand how God's grace IS SUFFICIENT, then you can be thankful when trials come. You can be okay when you experience physical suffering. I speak from personal experience! I have hurt so much physically that I have cried and pleaded and begged God to take the pain away from me but, He hasn't. He has allowed me to go through it with the power of His grace. When I've finally come to a point where I realized that my struggling against the trial wasn't doing me any good whatsoever, I learned to lean back into His grace and just relax knowing that everything was going to be okay and that He was taking good care of me.
The last part of that verse, "that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" nearly jumped off the page at me when I read it! I'm a visual person and I'm also a camper. I don't camp in an RV, I camp in a tent and when I camp, there's nothing between me and bad weather or dangerous animals but a thin sheet of nylon material. But even with that thin layer of nylon over me, I feel safe and secure. That's the visual I got when I read the last part of this verse...I visualized God's grace resting over me like a tent...enveloping me, protecting me, covering me. So now can you understand how Paul, or how I, can say we glory in our weaknesses or infirmities? It's because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what God allows into our lives, He's going to provide just ENOUGH grace to get us through it! He's going to be there...HIS GRACE WILL NOT ONLY BE ENOUGH, IT WILL BE SUFFICIENT. He knows exactly how much we need and when we need it. Isn't that so reassuring?
When your next trial comes, don't be overcome with despair. Rest knowing that God's grace will be sufficient for you. And maybe, just maybe, you'll even look at your trial and glory in it. It won't be easy the first time or two, but let me tell you...when you get to the point where you can look at physical suffering, trials, or tribulations through the eyes of Christ, you'll see that EVERYTHING He allows into your life is for your benefit and will be a teaching tool. His grace will be enough to get you through the death of a loved one, an unexpected illness, a painful surgery...even through Cancer. It will be exactly ENOUGH...no less, no more, and that's because He loves you, my friend, more than you'll ever know!
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Isn't that powerful?! God says His grace is ENOUGH! It's not too much or too little, it's perfectly enough...exactly what we need, when we need it and He knows exactly how much that is because He loves us so very much. Did you catch the next part of the verse? It says it "enables you to bear the trouble manfully"... But if you keep reading, you'll see that our strength and power comes from Christ. It isn't our strength that gets us through trials and tribulations, it's His strength! The part I love the most is the part where he says "My strength and power are made PERFECT and show themselves MOST EFFECTIVE in your weakness." Wow!
God's grace has been ENOUGH to sustain me, to guide me, to protect me, and to teach me during this whole Breast Cancer ordeal. From the very first time I felt the mass in my breast until just a few minutes ago, God has decided exactly how much grace I'd need at the very moment I needed it. He never gave me an overabundance of grace and said, "save some of that grace so you can use it tomorrow or next week," no! He gave me just enough to get me through that exact situation, that exact trial, in His perfect timing too.
So, what else do I have to say about the fact that God's grace is enough? Well, I can only say that I agree with Paul. Even though he suffered terribly and was treated unkindly over and over again, God was there with Him. He saw the suffering. He saw the trials. He knew exactly what Paul needed and that was grace. Paul knew that God's grace gave him the strength to bear the trials God allowed to come into his life. When he understood that clearly, he was able to not only accept his trials but to GLORY in them! Glory??? Yes, the Amplified version of the Bible says he will "all the more gladly glory in weaknesses and infirmities." Now, it's pretty awesome when you can thank God when you're going through some sort of trying time but to GLORY in them, that's downright amazing! But, if you really understand how God's grace IS SUFFICIENT, then you can be thankful when trials come. You can be okay when you experience physical suffering. I speak from personal experience! I have hurt so much physically that I have cried and pleaded and begged God to take the pain away from me but, He hasn't. He has allowed me to go through it with the power of His grace. When I've finally come to a point where I realized that my struggling against the trial wasn't doing me any good whatsoever, I learned to lean back into His grace and just relax knowing that everything was going to be okay and that He was taking good care of me.
The last part of that verse, "that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" nearly jumped off the page at me when I read it! I'm a visual person and I'm also a camper. I don't camp in an RV, I camp in a tent and when I camp, there's nothing between me and bad weather or dangerous animals but a thin sheet of nylon material. But even with that thin layer of nylon over me, I feel safe and secure. That's the visual I got when I read the last part of this verse...I visualized God's grace resting over me like a tent...enveloping me, protecting me, covering me. So now can you understand how Paul, or how I, can say we glory in our weaknesses or infirmities? It's because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what God allows into our lives, He's going to provide just ENOUGH grace to get us through it! He's going to be there...HIS GRACE WILL NOT ONLY BE ENOUGH, IT WILL BE SUFFICIENT. He knows exactly how much we need and when we need it. Isn't that so reassuring?
When your next trial comes, don't be overcome with despair. Rest knowing that God's grace will be sufficient for you. And maybe, just maybe, you'll even look at your trial and glory in it. It won't be easy the first time or two, but let me tell you...when you get to the point where you can look at physical suffering, trials, or tribulations through the eyes of Christ, you'll see that EVERYTHING He allows into your life is for your benefit and will be a teaching tool. His grace will be enough to get you through the death of a loved one, an unexpected illness, a painful surgery...even through Cancer. It will be exactly ENOUGH...no less, no more, and that's because He loves you, my friend, more than you'll ever know!
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Crying over Rudolph
Christmas was my favorite holiday hands down. I loved everything about it! I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, driving through the neighborhood to look at lights, singing carols, you name it, I loved it! As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the "Wanna Be Dentist" searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble, I could almost hear my mom’s voice saying, "Rudolph is on tonite!” I could just about hear my brother, sister and I respond with loud, childish voices in a resounding “Yeaaaaaahhh” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. As those memories came flooding back, my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall.
How could I be crying over an animated children's movie? I felt like an idiot! But suddenly I realized what the tears were really about. The emotions of remembering were too real...I felt sad about the loss of childhood innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying meant and before I understood the word "Cancer." I thought about how simple life was back then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was...the sights, the smells, the sounds...and yes, even Santa. I did believe in Santa!
I remembered drafting letter after letter to Santa as I revised it over and over again in hopes my list of wants could somehow fit into my parents' meager budget. When I finally got my letter perfected, I went and took it to my mother so she could deliver it to the jolly old man for me. Occasionally, when we could, we'd leave some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was hard to drag myself up the stairs and into bed on the night before Christmas. I can still hear the sounds of my Daddy working to put together our bikes or some other toy as he and my mom talked in hushed, frustrated whispers hoping we were already fast asleep.
The next morning, my siblings and I would hurry down the stairs to see the tree laden with presents. We'd empty out our stockings while we waited for our sleep deprived parents to dress and come into the living room. In the blink of an eye, I was there once again...
It's funny how something like a Christmas movie can spark so many memories...good, wholesome childhood memories when life was so much simpler. Today the holidays are harder. As an adult, there are so many things that seem to weigh us down...the loss of morality in our nation, the rampant crime and evil, the heavy things like homelessness and hunger...a world that revolves around the almighty dollar...all the things that a child never had to think about. I long for the innocence again. I remembered what that was like for just one tiny moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..
But then, I heard the song, "We're a couple of Misfits," and my heart skipped a beat! That's it! That's me! I'm a misfit! I certainly haven't felt like I've fit in lately. I still struggle. As I watched Rudolph and Herbie singing their song, I had to smile. I felt a little better! Taking a step back into my childhood had provided a little affirmation for me. Thanks, Rudolph, for reminding me that being different is okay. Christmas is just a little more than a week away and I'm starting to get a little giddy. I still love Christmas and can't wait for it to get here!
We're a couple of Misfits video
What I'm thinking:
This Christmas will be so very different from all the others. It will be a time of gratitude and thanksgiving. I wasn't sure I'd be here for this Christmas. In May, when I received my diagnosis, I thought I'd been given a death sentence. As each new day comes, I thank God for allowing me to open my eyes and get out of bed. I never realized how much I took things for granted before. Cancer is a great big wake up call and I never thought it would take something like that to make me "get it," but I'm glad I did.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Monday, December 15, 2014
Returning to normal?
Many people think that the difficult part of the cancer journey ends as soon as treatment stops, but that's hardly true. I can attest to the fact that my emotions are still haywire, my body still hurts, and I don't know if I'll ever feel good again. While I'd love to be able to bounce back quickly, I am more inclined to think it's going to be a long, hard road to recovery. It's difficult to explain to family and friends, because they only see the exterior. They don't see anything that I don't want them to see. I can hide my physical scars well. The emotional scars are a little more difficult to hide, but I've learned to camouflage them when needed. Even though the treatment is over (for the most part), I still need support and understanding. I still need people to be patient with me.
It would be so nice if doctors and support staff would take time to really explain what to expect after treatment ends, but instead, we're left figure it out on our own. Thankfully, the women who've traveled the breast cancer journey before, have taken time to share vital information about the reality of aftercare. It's very helpful to have someone tell the truth about physical symptoms and side effects and it's easy to believe because we know they've been there. But each journey is different and no one can prepare you for your own journey. Every day I learn something new about recovery and every day I realize it's a little more complicated than I had first thought it would be.
There's something strange about having breast cancer...all of a sudden you feel a kindred spirit with other breast cancer survivors, even people you've never met. The internet is a wonderful place to build camaraderie. There are many Facebook support sites and ways to connect to other breast cancer patients. Sometimes it's good to find others who can relate to the exact stage of treatment you're currently going through and other times, it's challenging. For example, I've found several women who've documented their entire breast cancer journey through VLOGS (video web logs). Daily they'll post how they're feeling, how treatment is going, what their challenges are, what they've overcome, etc. At first, those VLOGS were a huge blessing and helped me not feel so alone, but last month, one of those ladies passed away. I had watched her VLOGS for months and months and felt like I knew her as my own personal friend. We chatted a few times and sent each other encouraging Facebook messages. Week after week, I could see a very real physical change in Christina. It wasn't hard to see that she would die soon. I was prepared for it, or so I thought. When her husband announced her death, I was devastated. This young woman, not yet 40, with two young daughters, had died. I cried for her. I cried for her children and for her husband. I also cried for me. I cried for me because I knew that one day there was a very real possibility that I could be exactly where she was, with metastatic cancer at the end of my life. Now that Christina is gone, her family continues the VLOGS but I can't bear to watch them any longer. They wanted their viewers to be able to keep up with the lives of the little girls but I just can't. It's too difficult to watch and remember Christina.
Now I'm watching another breast cancer survivor's VLOG. She's also metastatic. The cancer is in her bones and her brain. She has 4 young children and a loving husband who is a pastor. But this VLOG is different. Kara and her husband are Christians. They use their videos as a ministry. They want others to see and understand that even in hard times, God is there. This one is easier to watch, or it has been up until this week. Yesterday, I could see the same thing in Kara that I'd seen in Christina during the last week of her life. There's a different look in their eyes, a kind of "going home" look. Kara isn't 40 yet either and it makes me so sad to know another family will soon be devastated.
When I watch and listen to these survivors, I can't help but think when will it be me? That's one of the biggest fears of a breast cancer survivor...the fear of recurrence. I know as a Christian, I'm not supposed to be afraid, but sometimes, it's hard not to be. And that's where I realize that nothing will ever be NORMAL again. It will always be challenging and different.
As I look at my Christmas tree and all the twinkling lights and beautiful ornaments, I wonder if I'll be here for the next Christmas. I'm not a morbid person but I do wonder. On my tree, I have photos of family members who've passed away. I hang them there to remember them year after year. When I look at them, I cry. That's another thing that breast cancer patients deal with, emotions that sneak up on you. Anything or nothing can make me cry and when it happens, it's overwhelming. Sometimes you feel like you're losing it. I can't help but wonder when there will be a photo of me on the tree...one for my family members to remember me by...I know what you're thinking..."well, that's just not NORMAL!" And no, it isn't. That's my whole point. I want you to realize that I'm not NORMAL any longer and never will be again. Things have drastically changed and things will never be the same...but no one said they can't be better and my hope is that they will be...one day.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Stop it!
"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25
I have been feeling rather anxious lately. In fact, for the past 6 months, I've felt anxious. I've been worrying about a lot of things, some with good reason and some only figments of my imagination, but the worrying has taken control of me. Today, I decided it has to stop.
The dictionary defines anxiety [ang-zahy-i-tee] as distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune, an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. I've had this nagging feeling that something horrible was going to happen for some time now. So I wasn't all that surprised when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I just knew, when I found the mass in my breast, that it wasn't going to be a good thing. That was a legitimate reason to worry or be concerned. But what about all those anxious thoughts I've had since my surgery? What about those thoughts that maybe, just maybe, they didn't get all of the cancer cells? What about those thoughts that one day, perhaps in the very near future, they'll find a new tumor somewhere else in my body? All of those "what ifs" have been driving me mad! Those feelings, or "evil forebodings," as the Bible calls them, have gained a foothold in my life.
The Bible tells me that I'm not to let my heart be troubled, distressed or agitated. I'm not only not supposed to let my heart be troubled, I'm not supposed to let it be afraid either. Listen to the Amplified version of John 14:27 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid." (Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.) In other words, Jesus is telling me to, "STOP IT!"
I don't know why I struggle so much with anxiety and worry. I've done it all of my life. I guess I've felt that if I worried long and hard enough, maybe my efforts would pay off in some way. What a lie! My worrying has done absolutely nothing but make me spend valuable time focusing on something that I had absolutely no control over! So, I decided that instead of wasting my time, I'd do some research. I'd dig a little deeper to see what the Bible had to say about anxiety.
In 1 Peter 3:4, the Bible says "... a gentle and peaceful spirit...(is not anxious or wrought up, but) is very precious in the sight of God. So, wait a minute! God didn't need my help with the problem, or perceived problem? He didn't need all my worrying? No! He wanted me to RELAX and focus on the good things He wants to give me. In Phillipians chapter 4, verses 4,6, and 7, I'm reminded to REJOICE. I'm not to FRET or have ANXIETY about anything. I'm supposed to give thanks in everything and when I do that, I will receive God's PEACE!
So why was I worrying? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that when I worry, I'm usually thinking about something in the past, that's already done and gone, or something in the future that hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't focusing on the here and now. There was the problem! I needed to fix my mind on what was going on right this minute.
A dear friend of mine told me several months ago, during a phone conversation when I was sharing something I was really worried about with her, an important truth. She listened patiently to my worrying and didn't say a word. Then she said, "Bonnie, look down at your feet." Although I didn't say it, I was thinking, "what??? what do you want me to do? Why do you want me to look at my feet? I'm trying to explain to you this problem that is weighing heavily on my mind." But instead of speaking a word to her, I looked down at my feet. I heard her voice on the other end of the phone saying, "are you doing it? Did you look down at your feet?" I replied, "yes." And she said, "good! Now tell me, where are you right now?" I said, "I'm right here in my living room." She told me that my problem was that I wasn't focusing on exactly what was going on at that very moment. I wasn't remembering where I was...I wasn't in the present! I wasn't in the here and now! WOW! As I thought about what she was saying, it made tremendous sense. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. This was the key to my problem with worry and anxiety. When I learned to just let go and focus on that exact moment, there was no cause for worry. I was just learning to BE. She was reminding me of Ecclesiastes 5:1 and I don't think she even knew it. "Keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing)..." She was teaching me to be a NOW person! Suddenly it all made sense! When I allowed my mind to be filled with worry, I "was borrowing" trouble (to quote my grandmother).
Too often we spend our time in the past or in the future. That's why I'm not good at multi-tasking any longer. Just the other night, I was hurrying to get ready for bed and began brushing my teeth. While I was brushing my teeth, I was thinking about what I planned to do as soon as I finished brushing my teeth. As I was thinking, I reached into my bathroom drawer to take out the tube of toothpaste but instead of grabbing the toothpaste, I grabbed an antibiotic cream. Just as I was about to squeeze it onto my toothbrush, I realized it wasn't toothpaste! I was trying to hurry and finish one thing so I could get to the next thing. I wasn't focusing on what I was doing at the time.
So what does it mean when the Bible says I'm to "keep my foot?" I think it means I'm supposed to stay focused and balanced! I'm supposed to think about what I'm doing right now and not focus on what might happen in the next few minutes, days or months. I think it means that I'm supposed to remember where I am and not think about past issues or events. There's a verse in Matthew that sums it up nicely, "Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34
Instead of worrying and stressing and being anxious, what am I supposed to do??? STOP IT! I'm supposed to just chill out...calm down...relax! Instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the what ifs, I'm going to look down at my feet. I'm going to remember where I am and what I'm doing at that very minute. I'm going to learn from the past and prepare for the future, but I'm going to live in the present. I'm not going to allow Satan to use worry and fear to control me. There's one more verse in the Bible that I need to share with you here - "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7. It's not my job to handle the problems...it's God's job. When I can let go of my desire to "do something" to help Him out, I'll be a whole lot better off and you will too! So in closing, I'd like to say, "STOP IT!" I'd also like you to promise me you'll take about 6 minutes of your time to watch this little video by Bob Newhart. (The link to the video is below this post.) It's funny but it's filled with truth. I downloaded it and I keep in on my computer so I can play it back for myself often. It's a wonderful reminder when I find myself tempted to start worrying again. Perhaps you'll want to save it to your computer too. Enjoy and remember, worrying and feeling anxious don't solve anything, they just give you something to do to keep busy. Life is too short to waste a single minute, so relax and enjoy it! Watch Bob Newhart's skit "Stop It!"
@bonnie annis all rights reserved
I have been feeling rather anxious lately. In fact, for the past 6 months, I've felt anxious. I've been worrying about a lot of things, some with good reason and some only figments of my imagination, but the worrying has taken control of me. Today, I decided it has to stop.
The dictionary defines anxiety [ang-zahy-i-tee] as distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune, an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. I've had this nagging feeling that something horrible was going to happen for some time now. So I wasn't all that surprised when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I just knew, when I found the mass in my breast, that it wasn't going to be a good thing. That was a legitimate reason to worry or be concerned. But what about all those anxious thoughts I've had since my surgery? What about those thoughts that maybe, just maybe, they didn't get all of the cancer cells? What about those thoughts that one day, perhaps in the very near future, they'll find a new tumor somewhere else in my body? All of those "what ifs" have been driving me mad! Those feelings, or "evil forebodings," as the Bible calls them, have gained a foothold in my life.
The Bible tells me that I'm not to let my heart be troubled, distressed or agitated. I'm not only not supposed to let my heart be troubled, I'm not supposed to let it be afraid either. Listen to the Amplified version of John 14:27 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid." (Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.) In other words, Jesus is telling me to, "STOP IT!"
I don't know why I struggle so much with anxiety and worry. I've done it all of my life. I guess I've felt that if I worried long and hard enough, maybe my efforts would pay off in some way. What a lie! My worrying has done absolutely nothing but make me spend valuable time focusing on something that I had absolutely no control over! So, I decided that instead of wasting my time, I'd do some research. I'd dig a little deeper to see what the Bible had to say about anxiety.
In 1 Peter 3:4, the Bible says "... a gentle and peaceful spirit...(is not anxious or wrought up, but) is very precious in the sight of God. So, wait a minute! God didn't need my help with the problem, or perceived problem? He didn't need all my worrying? No! He wanted me to RELAX and focus on the good things He wants to give me. In Phillipians chapter 4, verses 4,6, and 7, I'm reminded to REJOICE. I'm not to FRET or have ANXIETY about anything. I'm supposed to give thanks in everything and when I do that, I will receive God's PEACE!
So why was I worrying? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that when I worry, I'm usually thinking about something in the past, that's already done and gone, or something in the future that hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't focusing on the here and now. There was the problem! I needed to fix my mind on what was going on right this minute.
A dear friend of mine told me several months ago, during a phone conversation when I was sharing something I was really worried about with her, an important truth. She listened patiently to my worrying and didn't say a word. Then she said, "Bonnie, look down at your feet." Although I didn't say it, I was thinking, "what??? what do you want me to do? Why do you want me to look at my feet? I'm trying to explain to you this problem that is weighing heavily on my mind." But instead of speaking a word to her, I looked down at my feet. I heard her voice on the other end of the phone saying, "are you doing it? Did you look down at your feet?" I replied, "yes." And she said, "good! Now tell me, where are you right now?" I said, "I'm right here in my living room." She told me that my problem was that I wasn't focusing on exactly what was going on at that very moment. I wasn't remembering where I was...I wasn't in the present! I wasn't in the here and now! WOW! As I thought about what she was saying, it made tremendous sense. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. This was the key to my problem with worry and anxiety. When I learned to just let go and focus on that exact moment, there was no cause for worry. I was just learning to BE. She was reminding me of Ecclesiastes 5:1 and I don't think she even knew it. "Keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing)..." She was teaching me to be a NOW person! Suddenly it all made sense! When I allowed my mind to be filled with worry, I "was borrowing" trouble (to quote my grandmother).
Too often we spend our time in the past or in the future. That's why I'm not good at multi-tasking any longer. Just the other night, I was hurrying to get ready for bed and began brushing my teeth. While I was brushing my teeth, I was thinking about what I planned to do as soon as I finished brushing my teeth. As I was thinking, I reached into my bathroom drawer to take out the tube of toothpaste but instead of grabbing the toothpaste, I grabbed an antibiotic cream. Just as I was about to squeeze it onto my toothbrush, I realized it wasn't toothpaste! I was trying to hurry and finish one thing so I could get to the next thing. I wasn't focusing on what I was doing at the time.
So what does it mean when the Bible says I'm to "keep my foot?" I think it means I'm supposed to stay focused and balanced! I'm supposed to think about what I'm doing right now and not focus on what might happen in the next few minutes, days or months. I think it means that I'm supposed to remember where I am and not think about past issues or events. There's a verse in Matthew that sums it up nicely, "Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34
Instead of worrying and stressing and being anxious, what am I supposed to do??? STOP IT! I'm supposed to just chill out...calm down...relax! Instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the what ifs, I'm going to look down at my feet. I'm going to remember where I am and what I'm doing at that very minute. I'm going to learn from the past and prepare for the future, but I'm going to live in the present. I'm not going to allow Satan to use worry and fear to control me. There's one more verse in the Bible that I need to share with you here - "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7. It's not my job to handle the problems...it's God's job. When I can let go of my desire to "do something" to help Him out, I'll be a whole lot better off and you will too! So in closing, I'd like to say, "STOP IT!" I'd also like you to promise me you'll take about 6 minutes of your time to watch this little video by Bob Newhart. (The link to the video is below this post.) It's funny but it's filled with truth. I downloaded it and I keep in on my computer so I can play it back for myself often. It's a wonderful reminder when I find myself tempted to start worrying again. Perhaps you'll want to save it to your computer too. Enjoy and remember, worrying and feeling anxious don't solve anything, they just give you something to do to keep busy. Life is too short to waste a single minute, so relax and enjoy it! Watch Bob Newhart's skit "Stop It!"
@bonnie annis all rights reserved
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