Note to self, always wear waterproof mascara!

Here I go again. It's been another very emotional day for me. More and more frequently I find myself crying over things that touch my heart...for those I love so deeply, friends and family...for those who die at the hands of the merciless...for the homeless...for those who need but have not... for those fighting their own battles with cancer. There seems to be so much pain in the world today and yet, even amid the pain, there are those who love through their tears.

I never used to be so weepy, although I've always been very tenderhearted. When I was a child, I cried with my closest friends over banged up knees or other childhood disappointments. I always wanted to rescue the lone, lost scraggly little dogs wandering along the highway's edge and often I did. My heart overflowed with compassion and mercy for others. Sometimes I thought it was a huge burden to be so filled with love for others but now I realize it is a wonderful gift, although it can be very painful at times.

In previous posts, I've written about an internet friend and fellow breast cancer patient, Kara Tippetts. I've followed her story for months and months now. Each morning, I check in to her blog site for updates. For the past few weeks, she's been in hospice care and her condition continues to decline. I know it won't be long before we're saying goodbye to Kara. I've cried countless tears for Kara but the tears aren't full of sadness...there is joy there also because I know that Kara, when she leaves this earth, will be finally home. The reality of her situation has been too real to me. Our cancer stories are so similar. As she comes closer and closer to the end of her life story, I can't help but wonder what my story will be...

I knew it. I should have put on waterproof mascara today, but it's so hard to remove that sometimes I opt for the regular kind of mascara. On days when I'm in a particularly emotional mood, I can end up looking like a raccoon from crying so much. Black watery trails of mascara stream down my face as I weep and pray. God knows my heart is so full that it can't help but overflow. Albert Smith once said that "tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it" and that statement is so very true. Tears help provide an emotional release for deep seated concerns. It's been scientifically proven that shedding tears is actually good for us. It helps to lower our manganese levels and allows a type of cleansing to take place.

So why have I been so filled with emotion today? My heart goes out to Kara's family as they begin to grasp the fact that she won't be with them much longer. I can't help but put myself in her place as she watches daily as her life begins to slip away. How do you learn to let go of your grasp on everything you know and have found comfortable in this life? How do you edge slowly toward the great chasm between Heaven and Earth ready to slip your hand into His? How do you say goodbye to the ones you love so dearly...and how do you do it with grace? Kara is teaching us.

Daily as I read Kara's story, I learn more about how to die with dignity. She is suffering and in great pain but she finds ways to minister to others through it. She hasn't turned inward focusing only on herself and her needs; she's unselfishly sharing her heart and her faith in the midst of her greatest struggle.

My tears today have been complex. Who can truly understand why God allows the righteous to suffer? And yet, as followers of Christ, we have to accept the fact that often He does choose to use suffering as a teaching tool. I've cried for myself many times over the last year as I processed my breast cancer diagnosis. I've also cried at my lack of trust for sometimes I wondered about God's reason for my journey. I've cried at my lack of understanding and I've cried over the countless number of women who either currently have or will have breast cancer. I've cried for my daughters and my granddaughters begging God to have mercy on them and keep them safe from a future filled with cancer. The tears have flowed freely and abundantly.

But today, on Kara's blog, I read of her youth pastor's visit. He is taking her through a Bible study on Psalm 119. Today's verses touched me... "I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight." Psalm 119:76,77. Those verses...oh those verses! Read them over again and again. Allow the truth of them to sink down deep into your heart. This is what stands out to me -
The Lord, the righteous ruler of Heaven and Earth, is faithful and even in His faithfulness, He allows suffering. But in the midst of my suffering, His steadfast, neverending, never changing love will be my comfort and His mercy will cover me. No matter what happens, I will live and live for Him only delighting in the laws He has set forth.

Pain and suffering are temporary but can have eternal reward. If the example of the way I've lived my life can touch someone and inspire them to seek after the Lord, then all of my suffering and pain will have been worthwhile.My only hope is that like Kara, I will have lived my life well. I will have shown others what faith in God really means in the midst of my everyday, mundane living.

Some days I cry a lot and other days I don't cry at all. Some days I cry for myself and other days...I can't contain the tears for others. Either way, I know that God understands my tears and he holds them precious in His sight. Even Jesus wept when He was overcome with grief, so I know He knows exactly how I feel on the days when I just can't seem to stop crying.

I'm back!

What I want you to know:
You probably didn't even know I was missing did you? But for the past month, I have been AWOL. I haven't been myself. I've been under the influence of different cancer medications and I've been an emotional wreck. I've felt like I was totally out of control...unable to think clearly, unable to control my emotions, and basically....I've felt like a total basket case!

When I started not remembering things, it got scary! I'd turn on the stove and put the pan on the wrong eye or put something in the dryer that was supposed to go in the freezer! I couldn't focus on anything and was crying all the time. I got so depressed at one point that I told my husband I couldn't do it any more. I decided right then and there that I was going to have to come off of these medications!

My oncologist wasn't overly sympathetic toward me. I guess doctors get calloused after hearing complaint after complaint but I put my foot down. He told me that I had to be on medication or the cancer would come back. I told him I understood that but the past 2 medications were just not a proper fit for me. He told me there was only one other drug that he could offer and that drug was the newest of the aromatase inhibitors. I really wanted to tell him I'd prefer to take my chances without any medication, but I didn't dare because my husband was sitting right next to me. I did ask for permission to abstain from taking the medication until we return from our trip to Texas and the doctor was okay with that. He actually thought it was a good idea because if I experienced any weird side effects, he wanted me to be somewhere in the state of Georgia.

Since coming off the medication, I have felt WONDERFUL!!! I've felt perfectly normal...just like I did before I found out I had cancer. I've been able to do the things I enjoy the most and be totally cognizant while doing them. Unless you've been under the influence of some type of drug, you probably don't understand how much that means. It's really scary to be unable to think clearly when you're used to having a sound mind. It's amazing that one tiny pill can totally change my emotional state and my demeanor.

I'm thankful that I will be off of all cancer medications until the end of February. I am going to totally enjoy my month of freedom. I am very hesitant about starting the new medications especially after the side effects I experienced during the last 2 rounds. Hopefully any side effects will be minimal but if I experience mind altering/mood changing side effects, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be on the phone to my oncologist in the blink of an eye.

In the meantime, I'm going to do a lot of research on the medications he's suggested. I'm also going to put all my other medications into a drug interaction checker and cross check for potential problems. I am a firm believer that we have to be proactive concerning our health. While I would prefer to be free of any and all medications, I am thankful for the ones that help my body function properly like my thyroid medication and my blood pressure medication.

What I'm thinking:
I feel awesome! I am really enjoying being off of the antihormone therapy and wonder if I can just skip cancer meds all together. I have a big faith and I know God can protect me from any cancer recurrences but would Phil understand? Would he feel better knowing that I was on medicine? If the new meds start making me feel weird, I am going to have to contact the doctor. I am not willing to go through the craziness that I went through before. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like not being able to remember what I was doing. I don't want to take a chance on forgetting to turn off the stove and burning the house down! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this new medicine will be okay and I won't have any major side effects. I can't even imagine having to take cancer meds for the next 10 years!!!! What kind of quality of life will I have??? I don't like this one bit.

Insurance changes and Cancer meds

President Obama's affordable health care act has adversely effected the health insurance plans of many companies. A number of employers have been overhauling the health benefits they offer employees, citing rising costs. There are two themes to what they are doing. In trying to control their own spending, employers often are shifting health costs to employees. So the average annual deductible for an individual has nearly doubled in the past seven years. But employers aren't just making workers pay more. They're trying to make them think more about health-related expenses and behavior. Some companies have decided to stop covering working spouses if they have access to coverage at their own jobs. The health law does not require employers to cover spouses, but surveys show that only a minority of companies have implemented a "spousal exclusion." However, employers increasingly offer incentives to get spouses off their plans. They may charge workers extra if a covered spouse has access to other insurance, or they may pay bonuses when spouses are not on the company policy. The health law requires employers who offer coverage to employees to also offer coverage to dependent children, or pay a penalty.

The affordable care act mandates that prescription drugs are one of 10 essential health benefits that insurance plans must offer — among maternity and newborn care, preventative care, hospitalization and mental health — the ACA makes drug coverage a core part of health insurance, and it eliminates insurers’ ability to tack on a prescription drug benefit plan to a health care plan at an additional cost. Patient copays vary regarding the type of plan, type of medication, and the prescription drug company's formulary. The ACA requires insurance plans to cover at least one drug in every category and class in the U.S. Pharmacopeia, the official list of approved medicines. Patients and their doctors can request and gain access to clinically appropriate drugs that aren’t covered. Plans maintain their own preferred-drug lists, or formularies, and the cost for the same drug can vary significantly between plans, which is especially important to note for consumers with chronic conditions such as cancer.

Yesterday, I received a call from my prescription drug company. My oncologist had sent in two prescriptions for me. One of the medications was not listed on the company's formulary. The voice on the other end of the phone advised me that the cost of this medication might be higher than others in the same class of aromatase inhibitors. She suggested I contact the insurance company and inquire about the cost of this medication, just hearing her say those words concerned me. We'd already noticed many changes in our health insurance plan since the first of the year and most of those changes were negative changes.

I called the insurance company to ask about the monthly charge for Aromasin and almost fell off of my chair when the clerk told me the fee would be $275 for a 30 day supply. While that might not seem expensive to some people, it was definitely expensive to us especially since we only have one monthly income. After discussing it with my husband, we decided it would be a good idea to call the doctor's office and see if there was an alternative medication. Thankfully, when I called and spoke with my doctor's nurse, she gave me some peace of mind. She assured me they would do everything they could to find a medication that would fit into our budget as well as combat the cancer. 

My heart goes out to those who need expensive medications and are unable to afford them. Some prescription manufacturers offer programs for those on low incomes but many do not. Many doctors offer prescription samples to patients who are unable to purchase their medications but there are also those who do not. It's a sticky situation for those of us who need medications on a daily basis. I am so thankful that my husband's company provides the opportunity for us to participate in their health insurance program and although they require annual documentation to insure me, we have yet to be denied benefits.

There are many different opinions on the Obama Affordable Care Act. Some people are very opposed to it and others are very thankful for it. I have my own personal opinions on it and I won't share them here. Hopefully, most of us realize how blessed we are to live in a country where we can easily obtain necessary medications for illnesses. There are so many countries where this is not the case. Wouldn't it be nice if none of us ever needed any medications? But with the world we live in today, that would never be possible. Good health should never be taken for granted.

Remembering what He has done

This morning, as I was having my devotional, I was taken to Psalm 105:5 "Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced." That verse is overpowering to me because God has done so many amazing things in my life. It's a miracle that I'm even sitting here today writing this blog post...oh if you only knew!

Three times in my life, I've looked death squarely in the eyes. In 1970, I was extremely ill. For over a year, doctors tried to find out what was wrong with me. Finally one doctor determined that the problem was gallstones and he prepared to do surgery. Little did he know that my gallbladder would burst on the operating table and gangrene would start to flood through my body. I was only 13. I almost died. It took a long time to recuperate but God watched over me and kept me safe. 

In 1991, I was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident. I was hit head on by a 2 1/2 ton truck. My car was totaled. My leg was mangled. The doctors told my family they may have to amputate but God chose to have the best orthopedic surgeon in Northeast Georgia on staff at the hospital that day and he was able to save my leg. Years of painful therapy and recovery took place. I spent a year in a wheel chair and another year on crutches. I had to learn to walk again, but I did it! With determination and hard work, I did it. I could have died the day of the accdient, but God protected me. 

In 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 2B breast cancer. Once again, God was with me. Instead of the mass being undetected and killing me, God allowed me to find it one day in the shower. He sent me to the best breast surgeon in Fayetteville and she was able to remove the tumor. Cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and she removed 6 of those too. But instead of Cancer killing me, I'm still here. 

I've faced many trials and adversities in my life. These are just a few of the more severe ones. Instead of focusing on the pain and trauma from these past illnesses and injuries, I choose to focus on the fact that I was never left alone. God was always with me. He orchestrated events according to His will for my life and He used those to make me the person I am today. He allowed me to go through all of those painful events. He allowed me to be physically injured. 

You may be wondering why God would allow me to be hurt. The only answer I can give you is  

perhaps it is the only way we can grow, and bloom and bear fruit. My very favorite verse in the Bible is John 15:5, "I am the vine, you are the branches...if you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. For without me, you can do nothing." He is the vine and we are the branches. We are supposed to abide in Him, attach ourselves to Him, remain in Him, "No branch can bear fruit by itself."

Have you ever been to a winery? Have you walked among the fruits of the vineyard? Recently, on a summer vacation, my husband and I stopped to visit one of North Georgia's wineries. We walked with the vinter through the vineyard as he explained which grapes were best for each type of wine. As we walked down the rows, I noticed there were several places on one plant where grafts were evident. As I asked the vinter about the grafts, he explained that by grafting these two types of grapes together, they could obtain a much sweeter wine. I was amazed to hear all about the wine making process and I couldn't help but think about my favorite verse once again.

In grafting, the tissues of one plant are inserted into the tissues of another so that the two sets of vascular tissues are joined together. The "vine" contains the desired genes to be duplicated in the branch! But we can't get connected without the wounds on both the vine and the branch! When God allows pain and suffering to enter our life, we are invited to join with Him. He sees we are strong enough to enter into a closer, covenantal relationship with Him. And He asks us during these times, "Do you still love Me? Do you still trust Me?"

During the times in my life where I've experienced extreme physical pain, I've had to remind myself that God allowed it to happen. I never blamed God for my injuries, but I knew He had specifically chosen them to mold me and shape me into the person I am today. Even as I continue to battle breast cancer, I find myself thanking Him for choosing this trial for me. But just because I thank Him, doesn't mean it is an easy trial. My suffering allows me to understand and partake of His sufferings which were magnanimous compared to my measily aches and pains.

As my body is wounded and I am grafted into His body, I find myself becoming stronger and stronger in my faith. I can honestly answer His questions with ease...Do you love me? Yes, Lord, with all my heart. Do you still trust Me? Yes, Father. I trust you. Even when I can't see Your hand, I trust Your heart. 

I'll probably never understand why God has allowed me to experience so much physical pain in my life but I am grateful that He's seen fit to walk beside me every step of the way. He's never left me or forsaken me. He's used my suffering to draw me closer to Him, so how can I complain about that?

There are people who've been through much pain in their lives and they've chosen to become bitter instead of looking for a reason behind the suffering. My faith in God has sustained me and given me hope that tomorrow will be a better day. He's shown me, this year, that He uses pain and suffering to teach valuable lessons. We just have to be willing students who are ready to learn.

There is a reason for suffering and pain. It isn't ever wasted. If you are suffering today, know that God is with you. He's promised never to leave you or forsake you. He may be using your trial to teach you something valuable about Him. Whatever the case, trust that He uses all things for our good, even the hard things.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Thankful Thursday

Tuesday I had my six month check up with my Oncologist. We sat and talked for a while about how I've been feeling before he broached the subject of medication. I was really hoping he'd just forget about it, but that was just wishful thinking.

Dr. "F" explained that I had to be on medication because my cancer was fed by Estrogen and Progesterone. He said, "if we can't keep those hormones in check, the cancer will return and grow somewhere else in your body so it's important that we stay on top of it." I'd already been on Arimidex and Tamoxifen, so I wondered what he was going to recommend now.

We talked about the differences between the way Tamoxifen and aromatase inhibitors work. Dr. "F" explained that Tamoxifen doesn't actually block the production of Estrogen in your body, it only binds to it and slows it down. Arimidex and other aromatase inhibitors block the production of Estrogen. Since Arimidex gave me such dreadful joint and bone pain, he didn't want me on that drug any longer. Tamoxifen was a nightmare for me, giving me crazy hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and a lot of other unacceptable symptoms.

I'm glad Dr. "F" was sympathetic toward me. He said, "I really want you to have a good quality of life." Gee thanks, doc! I want a good quality of life too. So what's the plan? He's going to try me on another aromatase inhibitor called Aromasin and he's going to add a drug called Effexor along with it. Effexor, although known as an antidepressant, is one of the only known drugs that eases and almost eliminates the dreaded hot flashes and night sweats. I'm going to be on a very low dose of it at first and then he'll adjust it as we see how it affects my body.

The good news is, I get to wait to start taking the new meds until I return from my trip to Texas! I'm so happy about that. Having one month of feeling semi normal is a gift I can't even begin to explain to you. I do worry a little about the time I'll be off meds however; I can't help but wonder if those nasty cancer cells are playing hide and seek somewhere in my body. But instead of focusing on that, I'm going to just be thankful I have one month without any weird side effects!

It's amazing how just being off of the medication for a few days has changed me physically. I actually FEEL GOOD. I haven't felt good since early March of last year before I discovered the mass in my breast. It feels good to feel good. I've missed it! I feel so good, that I've started doing things that I love again.

Health is something most people take for granted but when you don't have good health, your world turns upside down. I am grateful for medications that will help prolong my life, but I sure wish I never had to take any of them. I'm going to enjoy every single day of my month's worth of freedom and I'm going to hope for very minimal side effects from the new medication I'll start near the end of February. Let's hope this new one will be a good fit. Dr. "F" told me, at my office visit, that this was our last option but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Today is a good day and I am very thankful to be me and actually feel like myself for a change.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Double D's and Double A's....I ain't talking batteries here!

It's taken 6 months for me to get to a point of even wanting to wear my prostheses. They've sat on my dresser in their cute little pink boxes just waiting for the chance to go out. Every day I've glanced over at them but never dared to pick them up and put them on. They were just too doggone heavy.

During my first fitting, about two weeks after my surgery, I told the lady at the breast cancer survivor's product/supply store that the boobs were too big. She insisted that I needed those D's even though I told her I'd never been that big in all my life. She was an older woman and seemed very determined to have her way, so I acquiesced. I know which battles to fight and which ones to leave alone. I left the store that day with 2 really big prostheses nestled comfortably in pink hat boxes. I also left with 4 matronly brassieres. When I say matronly, think Aunt Bea on Andy Griffith...yeah, THOSE kind of bras. You know the kind, those sturdy support bras...the kind that Ellie Mae Clampett (from The Beverly Hillbillies) used as a double barreled slingshot in one of the episodes. So needless to say, I wasn't thrilled with my purchases.

Today, I made a trip back to the prostheses store. I had called earlier in the day to talk with someone about my plight of having 2 huge D's and my need to swap them out for something smaller and more suitable. The woman on the phone was very understanding and encouraging. She told me that even though it'd been 6 months since my last fitting, she'd be more than happy to refit me and make the necessary exchanges. Now mind you, the only reason I was even considering wearing prostheses at this point in my journey was because my breast surgeon told me I HAD TO wear them. She reminded me that my body knew there was something missing from the front of my chest and if I didn't supply the necessary weight to compensate for my loss, my body would begin to react negatively to the situation. She said the first thing that would happen would be that my shoulders would start to round forward in a protective manner. Then she said my spine would start to change and I'd begin to have major problems with my stature. I was perfectly fine being flat chested and bra-less. But I figured the doctor knew better than I did what I should do at this point.

The fitter at the women's store took me back into a dressing room and asked me to remove my blouse. As I did, I noticed all of the certifications posted on the wall. I didn't know you had to be trained to be a prosthetic fitter, but apparently you do. The woman noticed that I was not wearing my bra and prostheses and she asked why. I explained that I just couldn't stand to have the weight of them against me. I told her the bra was very uncomfortable rubbing against my incisions. I held out the bra for her to hold and she was amazed at the weight of my fake boobs (or FOOBS as a lot of breast cancer survivors call them.)

After removing the massive D's from the mastectomy bra, she placed them gently into their round pink zippered boxes and smiled. She said, "I'll be back in a few minutes," as she left me standing there half nude. While she was out of the dressing room, I looked at myself in the mirror. My scars had healed quite nicely although they still looked hideous to me. The ugly purple had faded into a deep rose color but they were still reminders of the most horrible year of my life.

Within a few minutes, my fitter came back into the room. She had some new forms in her hands and told me that these were a size B. I told her they should be much better than the D's and she asked me to try them on. We stuffed them into the mastectomy bra and she helped me try it on. The weight of these FOOBS was much lighter, but they were so pointy that I couldn't help but laugh. She asked me what was wrong and I told her they stuck out way too much! Turning quickly on her heel, she spun around and headed back out the door.

Once again, the fitter entered the room. She held two small flesh colored gel implant looking prostheses in her hands. "How about these?" I held out my hands and she slipped the silicone ladies into my palms. I hefted the weight and was pleasantly surprised to find that they were very lightweight. I also liked the fact that they were gel coated on the side that would touch my body. The fitter said these were a new kind of prosthetic that had just come in with a cooling gel feature. She explained that the cooling gel was a plus for women who also were going through anti-hormone therapy. The coolness of the gel helped to counter the effects of the hot flashes that often accompanied therapies like Arimidex, Tamoxifen, Aromasin, and other anti-hormone therapies.

She handed me a new bra that reminded me of the training bra I received as a gift from my mother at the tender young age of 8. It was seamless and unobtrusive. I started to laugh and she asked once again why I was laughing. She must have thought I was some sort of nut to be laughing all through my fitting! I told her the story of how jealous I was when both my sister and I began approaching puberty. I went on to tell her about my mother's gifts to us. A "real" bra for my sister, and a "training" bra for me. She laughed along with me as she slipped the new bra over my shoulders.

Oh my goodness! I can't tell you how nice that bra felt! It was so smooth and so lightweight I barely felt I had on a bra at all! The weight of the prostheses was so minimal, I could hardly believe I was wearing anything. As I looked in the mirror, I was pleasantly surprised. I looked sideways and smiled at the little mounds of silicone jutting out from my chest. "These will do just fine," I said. She asked if I was sure...she said, "you know these are a double A?" I said, "they're perfect." She told me I could have any size I wanted and explained they had a full range of breast forms in sizes DD through AA. "We just want you to be happy," she said, with a look of  concern on her face. I told her I was very happy. Finally I had a bra and prostheses that I felt comfortable wearing.

I left the store with my new bra and FOOBS on although my husband couldn't tell. I had on my winter coat and I didn't mention a thing to him. When we got home, I took off my coat. He still didn't notice, so I stood right in front of him and said, "look...new boobs!" He laughed and said, "where???" I pointed to my little mounds and he smiled. It was good...it was all good. No more DD's for me, I'm a AA girl all the way. I could have chosen bigger boobs but the pain wasn't worth it to me. I'd rather be barely there and comfortable than hunkered over with huge melons on my chest.

Bette Midler, in one of the songs she sang in the movie, Beaches, called a brassiere an over the shoulder boulder holder. I guess if you had DD's that would be a perfect description. It's funny how much attention people pay to women's chests anyway, isn't it? For an entertaining little video about boobs and brasseries, watch Bette Midler preform her song Otto Titsling. After all, boobs make good subject matter for not only blog posts but musicals too. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Discovering me

Spending time in solitude provides precious time in which to think. For days and days I've been pondering the many things I've experienced in my life and how they've made me into the person I am today. I've been through an awful lot. As I think back over my past, I find comfort. My life has been filled with both good and bad. Some of the things I chose and some of them were chosen for me, but in each instance, I've grown and changed. I've finally begun to discover who I really am. It's taken 57 years for me to get a glimpse of myself and begin to understand who I really am, but I am thankful. Some people spend their entire lives trying to figure out who they are and never quite make it. After experiencing many life lessons, I have realized I am resilient and brave but only through the power of Christ.

There's a wonderful quote that A.A. Milne used in his classic book, "Winnie the Pooh," that I love. Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh are sitting on a branch in the evening when Christopher Robin begins to talk to Pooh and he tells him, "always remember, you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, & smarter than you think." I love that quote. Christopher Robin and Pooh are dear friends and have always been there for each other. A. A. Milne captured the essence of growing up in his book, "Winnie the Pooh," with such sweetness and such truth. That little quotation has helped me get through this year of cancer. I've had to constantly remind myself that I was braver than I believed, that I was stronger than I seemed and that I was smarter than I thought. Sometimes I did a pretty good job of convincing myself and other times, not so much. My family and friends have been wonderful supporters and they've picked up the slack when I had a hard time believing in myself. When my belief in what I could do wasn't strong enough, they cheered me on with their encouragement and helped me through some very difficult times. But there's another quotation that has meant even more to me than A. A. Milne's quotation. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 (The New International Version of the Holy Bible). For most of my life, this verse has been my rock. No matter how challenging a situation, no matter how difficult it was, I knew I would be able to not only get through it, but rise above it with Christ's strength.

Bravery was never a quality I felt I possessed. To be ready to face danger or pain without reservation, that is what it means to be brave. I've always thought myself to be quite fearful and even though I had faith in God, sometimes, I failed to trust Him completely. Every year God gives me a word to focus on and this year, the word has been TRUST. I've always struggled in this area of my life, whether with people, relationships, or with God. I never had a brave trust in Him. I'm sure He knew my limitations of trust were partly based on my constant need to control things in my life. But as I learned to release my grip on control, He began to show me I could trust Him completely in ALL things. I didn't have to be afraid any longer. 

It's hard for me to admit that I had a problem trusting, but I did. Let me give you a silly example of my inability to trust. My husband and I travel to Texas every other year to visit one of my daughters. We usually take turns driving because it's such a long trip. When I drive, he'll fall asleep at some point. He will rest so well that he begins to snore loudly. But when he's driving, I never can fall asleep, even though I'm exhausted and want to close my eyes so very much. I just can't do it! I've always been afraid that if I wasn't helping him watch the road, we might have an accident or he might not see the turn off he needed to make, so I stayed awake. I never realized until a few years ago that even my need to stay awake was a control issue. God had to teach me that lesson. 

When you have cancer or any other major illness in your life, there's little you can control. I've had to learn to release control of any and everything in my life to my loving, Heavenly Father. Although, I know Him well and know His character through constant study and reading of His Word, it wasn't easy. He had to pry my fingers off of my own life and teach me that I was never really in control anyway, even though I thought I was! 

Not only was I fearful of giving my complete trust, I also worried a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. For some reason, I thought that my worrying would make things better. One day, God taught me a valuable lesson about worrying. It was almost as if I could hear His voice speaking to my heart as I was in the midst of worrying about an issue with one of my children. What I heard Him speak to me was this, "Bonnie, don't you trust me? I am trustworthy. When you worry, you are telling me that you don't believe I can take care of the things that concern you. This breaks my heart. I do not want you to bear the burden of worry. It is not yours to bear, but Mine. You will never experience complete freedom until you learn to let go and trust me completely." That did it. I never knew that God never intended for me to carry the burden of worry so I let it go. Worrying never changed the outcome of anything anyway, so why waste that energy doing it? 

Cancer has taught me to trust God completely. It has taught me that I am braver than I thought especially when I had no option other than to be brave. I've found that I have more courage than I ever dreamed I possessed and I am proud of that. Cancer has shown me that I am tenacious and resilient. It's helped me discover many things about myself that I never realized were true. Most of all, it's helped me realize that I really can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Without His strength, I would be a shattered and broken woman without hope. I'm so thankful that I have Jesus to cling to especially when life gives me an unexpected challenge. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

"Many people wrongly exclude fear from the definition of courage, believing that courage is the absence of fear. Every time such people feel afraid, they assume that they aren't courageous. The reality, though, is that courage is fearful. When we are acting courageously, we are, most typically, very afraid. But we don't allow the fear we're carrying to stop us. Instead, we press on. This is the signature feature of courage: to carry on despite being fearful. Fear, thus, is an essential element in the definition of courage. You can't be courageous unless you are afraid." ~Bill Treasurer

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong in the broken places." Ernest Hemingway
 

You're braver than you think video clip

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Tamoxifen (Nolvadex) has been used for over 40 years to treat breast cancers that are hormone-receptor positive. Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers need the hormone estrogen (and/or progesterone) to grow.   - See more at: http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Tamoxifen.html#sthash.ksVzeH6w.dpuf