Another one prepares to go home

Kara and her husband, Jason

As you've read in an earlier post, I have been following the life stories of several other breast cancer survivors. There's a type of understanding between breast cancer patients and we share a unique type of sisterhood, even when most of us have never even met. Earlier this year, I lost an internet friend, Christina Newman, a young woman, not even 40, who lost her valiant fight with breast cancer. I had followed her online story for months and months. I felt like I knew her well and I was honored to have email exchanges with her. She was so gracious to provide answers to my questions and offer helpful advice. That's just something breast cancer survivors do...we support each other. Those who are a little further along in their journey freely offer help to "newbies."

Not long after I found Christina on the internet, I found Kara Tippetts. The main difference in their journeys was that Kara was a Christian while Christina was not. Both of their daily blogs offered me a wealth of information and I chose to follow them daily. Today, I was sad to learn that Kara, another young breast cancer survivor and mother of 4 young children, has begun the journey home. Today her husband made arrangements for hospice to come and care for Kara. It was so hard to believe. Again, my heart was broken knowing that another "pink sister" would be going home soon.

Kara during chemo treatments

Death is such an integral part of life and as a Christian, it is a wonderful reminder that this is not our home, but facing that reality is very difficult. Kara has braved the hard in her life so well. She wrote a book called "The Hardest Peace," which chronicled her journey and she has spoken over and over again at women's conferences and churches sharing her deep faith in hopes of helping others understand how to live life to the fullest even when things are difficult. In her book, Kara says, "This is not a book about trying to win the hardest story. This is a book about a broken woman on the journey to know the hardest peace. Peace in the midst of hard. I speak both generally and specifically of hard, because hard is often the vehicle Jesus uses to meet us, point us to that peace, and teach us grace."

Kara has been an inspiration to me because as a Christ follower, I have been able to travel the road she's on with her while facing my own breast cancer battle. Reading her blog posts and "watching" her take each day moment by moment has given me a wonderful hope that I can travel through my journey just as gracefully as she has even though our journeys are very different.

Kara has been transparent in her sharing. She's shared the good along with the bad and that's her way of helping others see that she is "real." As a breast cancer survivor, one of our main objectives in our journey is to help others know that we aren't vastly different from anyone else. We don't possess super human strength. We don't have an extra measure of courage...but as Christians, we do have a wonderful gift of never-ending hope. We know that no matter how difficult the path becomes, we are never alone.

I am thankful for the internet and the various cancer survivors who have chosen to share their stories through blogs. When I started my blog at the onset of my journey, my goal was to use it as a way to process everything that was happening to me. I wanted to use it as a catharsis. I needed a place to write down what I was feeling and as I did, I found an overwhelming desire to share what God was teaching me in my life too. Like Kara, I began to understand that even though God had allowed this hard to come into my life, He had a wonderful reason...a perfect plan...and although I didn't understand it, He was going to use it to forever change my life and hopefully the lives of others too.

Kara's children

I will be lifting up Kara and her husband, Jason, in the days ahead. As they begin to accept that Kara's time on earth is drawing to a close, I will ask God to bless them with an extra measure of His love. I will pray for His comfort to surround them and envelope them. I will pray He sends people to love on them and help them through each moment. I will also pray for their 4 sweet little ones. Oh how difficult it will be on them to lose their Mommy. Won't you please join me in praying for them? If you would like to know more about their story, you can read Kara's blog. I'll put the link at the end of this post but please know, she more than likely will become too weak to continue writing in the days ahead.

One day my story could end the way hers does. None of us expect to die so soon and when we least expect it... but as Christians, we know that only God knows the number of days He has planned for each of us to be on this earth. We have to trust that He will only call us home when He is ready for us. Cancer is a scary thing. Cancer is a very difficult thing. But I know that God is so much bigger and so much stronger than cancer could ever be and I am trusting in Him with everything I have inside of me. He is my hope and I know He is trustworthy and true.

Read Kara's blog

Read Kara's book, the Hardest Peace

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The rearview

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus".…Philippians 3:12-14 

Driving down the road, I can't help but look into my rear view mirror. Sometimes it's interesting to see how far you've come isn't it? But if you're continually looking in the rear view mirror, you can't see where you're going and you might just run off the road. Today I was reminded of this fact when I read Philippians 3:12-14. I need to stop focusing on what lies behind and press on toward the future and my goals. The new year is coming and it's time to think about some resolutions. The only one I really want to set and accomplish is to put cancer on the back burner and to get on with living my life. 

Today is my second day on the chemotherapy drug, Tamoxifen.  I was really hesitant about taking it since the Arimidex had so many side effects, but my oncologist said it's important for me to take this for the next 5 years and possibly for the next 10. Tamoxifen has been used for over 40 years so it has an established track record as being effective against recurring breast cancers. As adjuvant therapy, it helps to prevent the original breast cancer from returning and also helps to prevent the development of new cancers in the body. Since Estrogen can promote the growth of breast cancer cells, some breast cancers are classified as estrogen receptor-positive, which means that they have a protein to which estrogen will bind. These breast cancer cells need estrogen to grow. Tamoxifen works against the effects of estrogen on these cells. My cancer was both Estrogen and Progesterone positive and that's why Dr. Feinstein, my Oncologist, wants to aggressively treat it with an Estrogen blocking drug.

Tamoxifen has some serious side effects which include blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer, and cataracts. Other side effects of Tamoxifen are similar to the symptoms of menopause. The most common side effects are hot flashes and vaginal discharge. Some women experience irregular menstrual periods, headaches, fatigue, nausea and/or vomiting, vaginal dryness or itching, irritation of the skin around the vagina, and skin rash.

I wish I'd paid closer attention when my mother in law was having to take Tamoxifen for her breast cancer many years ago. I know she experienced several of the side effects but she never talked about them. Of course, I know everyone is different, so I may not experience the same ones she did, but still...I'm not looking forward to having to deal with the side effects that come my way.

It's hard to know what to do. All I can really do is trust my doctor's judgment and do what he says with regard to my treatment, but how do I know it's the right thing to do? Putting any kind of medication in your body isn't normal and I would much rather take the route of natural healing. But there are no guarantees with either. Before being diagnosed with cancer, I always ate healthy foods. I exercised and did all the things I knew to benefit my body so it would be healthy and strong and yet, I got cancer.

Some people think that we all have cancer cells in our bodies and some people's cancer cells become active while others lie dormant, but that is simply not true. "Everyone has cells that have mutant proteins from DNA damage, but to say that that's cancer would be alarmist," says Jennifer Loros, Ph.D, a professor of biochemistry and genetics at Dartmouth medical school. "A cell's natural cycle has checkpoints when it determines whether it's in a healthy state and should divide, or is damaged and should repair or kill itself. Cancer can occur when the normal checkpoints in the cell cycle are misregulated somehow and the [unhealthy] cell starts dividing."

Since March, my focus has been on cancer. The second I found the mass in my breast, my attention remained on my health. I've been through test after test, biopsies, lab tests, surgeries, radiation and now chemotherapy. When I look in the rear view mirror of my life, I see how far I've come...how many obstacles have been placed in my path and how many I've been able to jump over.  It's been so difficult to traverse through each one, but God has given me the strength to do it. I have to agree with the Apostle Paul, "...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has allowed me to be on this path, but He's also been with me through the entire journey. He has never left my side. He's never left me alone to figure things out. He has used this cancer to teach me and grow me. I know you've heard me say that many times before, but it's true! I have no clue where this next year is going to take me and I'm kind of glad I don't. For me, I'd rather not know what's coming because I like the suspense of not knowing. You may wonder how I can say that, but it's because I have faith. Without faith, I would be unable to hope for good things in the future. I would be unable to trust that God holds my future in the palm of His hands, but I know He does. 

Looking backward is fun for a moment or two, but looking ahead is so much more rewarding. The older I get, the more I realize how fast the years are flying by. There's not a moment to waste and I don't want to spend time focusing on the ones that have already passed by. I want to focus on the ones that are yet to come! 2015 is going to be a year filled with excitement and adventure and I'm looking forward with great anticipation to see where God takes me and how we're going to get there. I hope your new year is filled with many blessings and that you'll choose to look ahead and not behind. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

It is well

This year has been a hard one, probably one of the hardest I've ever experienced in my life thus far to be more accurate. I've tried to understand...tried to accept...tried to trust, but it's been hard. There have been days when I've managed to slide by, not focusing on the hard that's come my way and then there are those dark days...the days that envelope me...the days that overpower me and cause me to look around instead of up...but today, today has been a different day.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I love the way it speaks to my soul. I could sit for hours and listen to beautiful instrumental music allowing it to wash over me and comfort me with its easiness...the mindlessness of it, never having to focus on a thing, just hearing the melodious notes...tone upon tone, building in a beautiful crescendo until the piece is fading into nothingness. I need music. I don't think I could live without it. Music affects me deeply and so today, I searched. I searched for a song that would be my theme....a song that would share the depth of emotion that I've felt since finding out I have cancer. I wanted a song that would speak to your heart too and help you understand that though the days have been hard, they've also been good. They've been life changing and serene. God has been with me.

The song I chose is called It is well and if you click on the link, you can hear it. It's not the song you think...it's not, "It is well with my soul," although that song is mixed into this rendition. I've always loved the song, "It is well with my soul" by Horatio Spafford. Mr. Spafford was a wealthy Chicago lawyer living in the 18th century. He had a thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the Scriptures. Mr. Spafford came to write this well known song after a horrible family tragedy where all four of his daughters drowned. His song has spoken to many hearts that have been broken over the years and has spoken to mine too.

When I heard the rendition of "It is well" by Kristine DeMarco and Bethel Music, I knew I'd found my song...a song representative of all I've been through, all I've come through, and where I am currently in my cancer journey. When I first heard her song, I listened to it over and over again and let my soul absorb every word. It was as if I'd found a song that spoke the words of my heart...every single one of them. Words I've cried out to my Savior over the past few days, telling Him how much I love Him...how much I adore Him...how much I trust Him completely.

It hasn't been easy getting to this place in my life. It has taken a great deal of effort to finally be at peace with cancer. I fought it so hard in the beginning until I realized God had chosen it for me. And so today, I can honestly say, it is well with me. It is well that I have cancer. It is well because I know that God is here...right in the middle of my journey. He's never left me. He's been with me since the beginning and through it all, I have learned to trust completely.

There are times when life is so confusing. We wish we could understand everything all at once but instead, God only allows us to get a tiny glimpse of what He's doing. If we struggle and fight against the hard things that come our way, we make the journey even more difficult than it has to be but...if we can learn to lean into the hard and trust God completely, we can learn to say "it is well" and mean it. We can let go of everything that is hindering us and holding us tightly and just relax allowing our soul to become rightly aligned with His heart and one day, one day when He sees fit, He'll show us what the journey was all about. We'll understand completely why we had to endure days of hard and days of pain. We'll be able to look upon the struggle with eyes that see clearly and we can say without reservation..."it is well."

Oh my Savior...I want to be wrapped up in your love. I want to cease struggling against You and learn to just rest. Thank you Father for being so patient with me...so understanding...so loving and kind. You are such a gentle Father and you love me so well. I am thankful I was able to find a song that gave words to my heart's longings. I release all of my worries, all of my unanswered questions, all of myself to You and I say, "it is well, Father, and through it all, I trust You completely." You never change and for that I am grateful. You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Through it all, my eyes are on You. I choose to trust You, Father, through it all, and I know you hear my prayer and will answer according to your will. Amen.

Click here if you missed the link for the song above! I hope it blessed your heart as it did mine.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Unwrapping the greatest gift of all, Jesus

This morning I woke up thinking about the greatest gift of all, Jesus. Christmas is coming! It's only two days away. Christmas is the day we have chosen to celebrate the birth of Christ. On Christmas morning, houses will light up in the wee hours of the morning as littles scramble from bed. The Bigs will rise more slowly and they'll all gather around the tree for great expressions of joy. It will be a wonderful celebration as the wrapping paper flies and the children squeal with glee but will the greatest gift gain their attention or will it be forgotten?

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son..." you remember it, don't you? That very first important verse you learned in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School. But can you say it in its entirety? "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Yes. The gift. The most important gift of all...everlasting life! And God gave it freely to anyone who would accept His gift...that's right, all you had to do was open your arms and accept... and did you?

Gifts! Everyone loves gifts. The beautiful wrappings, the bows, the ribbons, the pretty paper! There's something wonderful about making a present look beautiful. And oh, how the receiver will appreciate the gift and be filled with excitement upon receipt. Gifts and giving of gifts...so much emotion is tied into the choosing and into the giving, and then there's the love...the BIG LOVE that comes when the perfect gift is chosen for that special someone...all the care...all the time spent in picking out the perfect thing...

There's a story I heard once, about gifts. I'd like to share it with you and hope you'll understand more about the importance of gift giving.  Some years ago, a missionary in a small coastal village in East Africa was explaining to kids, who never had anything of their own, why believers give gifts to each other on Christmas day. "The gift,” she said, “is an expression of our joy over the birth of Jesus and our friendship for each other." When Christmas came, one little boy brought the teacher a unique and a very beautiful seashell. She asked, "Where on earth did you ever find such a beautiful shell?"
”There’s only one place,” the lad said, and he named an isolated bay several miles away.
So taken by the beauty of the little shell and how far the child had to go to get it, she finally stammered: "Why ... why, it’s gorgeous ... wonderful, but you shouldn’t have gone all that way to get the gift for me." His dark eyes brightened to match the beam of his smile as he explained, "Long walk part of gift." Each step of the way, the child anticipated the joy his gift would bring as he trudged the many miles to bring it back. Do you understand? Do you get the picture?

That story made me think about the gift God chose for us...Jesus. His gift was specifically chosen for you and for me. And in His choosing, God took the long walk from Heaven to Bethlehem...the long journey was part of the gift. He chose to travel from paradise to a dingy, dark manger; from that hay-filled stable to a cross; from that rugged cross to a borrowed tomb; and from the grave back to heaven. Have you ever wondered why He went to all that trouble to give us the perfect and best gift? Can you hear our gracious Heavenly Father whispering to your heart..."long walk part of gift?"

When all the unwrapping is done and the paper and bows are strewn across the floor, don't forget to unwrap the most important gift of all, Jesus. Don't leave Him underneath the tree. Don't forget the BIG LOVE with which the Father chose the gift...

Unwrap the Gift of His Love.
You may be wondering how you can unwrap the love of Christ. The easiest way to unwrap His love is to accept Him as your Savior. Believe He is who He says He is! Take the free gift He has given you. If you haven't done that yet, it's the first step. I'm so grateful that Christ loved us so much that He wants to take us to Heaven to be with Him. I also love the fact that His love sustains us while we're here on earth. Every day I wake up, I find the love of Christ. The love of Christ is one of those gifts that we need to share with others too. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!

^"[That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]" Ephesians 3:19

Nothing can take that gift of love away from us either. The Bible says so!

"Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39

Unwrap the Gift of Grace.
God's BIG LOVE is filled with gifts! Another gift we can unwrap is the gift of grace. Through Christ we have access to that wonderful grace that's given to us. Not a gift we deserve,  but because of Christ has chosen to give it to us.

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God." Romans 5:1,2

"But not as the offense, so also is the free gift. For if through the offense of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is by one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many." Romans 5:15

"That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:7

Unwrap the Gift of the Resurrection.
This is one of those gifts that it's worth getting excited about. Without the resurrection of Christ, we have nothing. 

And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins." 1 Corinthians 15:17

When we unwrap this part of the gift and dwell on it awhile, we should get really excited!

"Now sin is the sting of death, and sin exercises its power [upon the soul] through [the abuse of] the Law. But thanks be to God, Who gives us the victory [making us conquerors] through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:56,57

" Praised (honored, blessed) be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah)! By His boundless mercy we have been born again to an ever-living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." 1 Peter 1:3
 
Unwrap the Gift of Inheritance.
Because of Christ, we can become heirs of God. Now that's a gift! Just knowing that we will inherit all the good things He has to give us...all of His attributes, all of His wonderful qualities, everything that is His will be ours too! And all because our loving Heavenly Father wants to give...to bless His children...  

"[Born anew] into an inheritance which is beyond the reach of change and decay [imperishable], unsullied and unfading, reserved in heaven for you" 1 Peter 1:4

"The Spirit Himself [thus] testifies together with our own spirit, [assuring us] that we are children of God. And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:16-17

 
There's so very much we are given through the gift of Christ. The ones listed are just some of the things we gain with a life in Christ. Can't you just see it? It's like there's a huge Christmas tree and the bottom is stuffed with gifts and the branches are weighed down heavy with gifts tucked in just for us. We have wonderful and precious promises, strength, the Holy Spirit, peace, joy, and so much more because of the Lord Jesus Christ. Because of Christ our lives can become so full, so rich, so meaningful.

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

On Christmas day, have you ever seen a tree with the gifts left unwrapped? I haven't! Most of us don't leave our gifts unwrapped under the tree. We want to see what's inside. Maybe we should spend more time in the Word and in prayer finding those things that the Lord would have for us. Perhaps we should spend more time saying, "thank you" for our gifts and appreciate them more. I know I need to work on this. I don't want to miss out on anything or forget to say "thank you." I want to make sure I am grateful for the most precious gift of all. I want to make sure I don't forget to unwrap Jesus.

"For God so LOVED (with the biggest love EVER) the world, that He GAVE (He chose, this gift specifically for you and for me) His ONLY begotten Son (the most precious gift He had to offer), that WHOSOEVER (anyone...everyone...) believeth in Him would not perish (would not die an eternal death in the fires of hell receiving just punishment for their sin) but have everlasting life (a life always in His presence enjoying all He has to give us forever)....

"If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
 Romans 10:9

"But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." You can’t work for what is freely given. Romans 4:5

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:8

"He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him." John 3:36
 
It’s the NEW life that puts your name in God’s book. The righteousness of Christ, himself, is deposited to your account.

"For he (God) hath made him(Jesus) to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." 2 Corinthians 5:21
 
The REAL Christmas is that GOD who so loved the world ... that he gave his only begotten son ... that whosoever believes on him should not perish ... but have everlasting life. 

If you don't know Jesus...if you don't have Him in your life, you can have His free gift of salvation. It's there for the asking! All you have to do is pray this prayer and mean it from the bottom of your heart: Dear Lord Jesus, Please forgive me. I am a sinner. I have sinned against you by not keeping your commandments. I know I am lost and I need a Savior. I want to be sure that when I die, I will go to heaven. I can't do anything on my own to get there. I can't ever be good enough...no matter how hard I try. I believe you are the Son of God. I believe you came to earth to die on the cross for us...for me...you came to die for me! Even if there was no one else on the earth, you still would have come and died for me...because the Bible says that the wages of sin are death and sin is whenever I deliberately disobey your laws and choose my own way over your way. I know that you promise everlasting life if I believe in You. I choose, as an act of my will, to believe in You. To believe that You are now in me and I am in you and that we are one! I believe that God sent you to earth to die on the cross but on the third day, you were raised from the grave and now you are forever at the right hand of the Father. I submit my will to yours and I ask you to come into my heart and become the Lord of my life. And I know that if I ask, you hear my prayer and answer it because of your great love for me. Thank you Lord for coming into my heart and saving me! I have accepted your free gift of salvation and I will live my life for you from this day forward. Amen.

So, have you unwrapped all of your presents? Have you unwrapped Jesus?

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oh my aching back!

I used to work for a chiropractor and every day, I'd hear the patients come in complaining about their various aches and pains. Almost every single one of them would say, "oh, my aching back." Several of the older patients would tell me as they'd be leaving, "be glad you're young and you don't have back problems. When you're back hurts, everything hurts!" I was blessed. I didn't have trouble with my spine. I was happy and healthy and strong. I loved working in the medical field and enjoyed seeing others receive relief from physical pain. They'd come in grimacing, hurting and barely able to stand. After they'd received their adjustments, they'd walk out smiling and feeling instant relief. I was always amazed how quickly their countenance would change after protruding disks had been slipped back into place.

One of the perks of working for a chiropractor was the ability to receive free spinal adjustments. Although I wasn't aware of having any back problems, I decided to have the doctor adjust me one day. I'd had a migraine headache all day long and it just wouldn't go away. When he told me he could fix it, I decided to give chiropractic a try.

I went in to the examination room, put on the gown and waited for the doctor to come in. My head was pounding and I felt sick at my stomach. He came in to the room and had me lie down on the table as he checked every single vertebrae in my spine. As he lightly touched the places that were out of alignment, I could feel discomfort. As he began to adjust me, I felt instant relief. It was amazing! The doctor showed me a chart when he was through adjusting me. He explained how nerves from all over our bodies are attached to our spine. It was fascinating to know that when my head hurt, I could have my spine adjusted and the pain would disappear. Within a week or two, I was sold on chiropractic and the benefits of natural healing to the body. 

Today, my back hurts, my arms hurt, every joint in my body is telling me I'm not as young as I used to be. In fact, I think they're screaming, "what in the world were you thinking???"  They don't just ache and they aren't just stiff, they hurt! I wish I still worked for the chiropractor because if I did, I know he could adjust me and make me good as new. But, I don't have anyone to adjust me any longer. Since surgery, my body has been in agony. The muscles and tendons that were deeply cut are no longer the same. I can't move the way I used to move. It takes great effort to do things that once used to be easy.

Last night was our family Christmas gathering. I worked for days beforehand getting everything ready...cleaning and scrubbing, mopping and vacuuming, dusting and doing...making sure everything would be perfect. And everything was perfect. We had a lovely time sharing a delicious meal, good conversation and reminiscing over Christmases past, but I should have known better.

I stayed up late watching a movie with one of my daughters. I don't stay up late any more...usually, I'm in bed by 9:30 p.m. It was a Christmas movie and it was really good...I thought it would be okay, just this once. I'm not that old!

Today, I've suffered from all the work I did preparing, from staying up late, from picking up my granddaughter and doing things I shouldn't have done...but, I thought I could handle...WRONG. It seems my body isn't as strong as it used to be and I haven't been listening to it like I should. It's been telling me it's tired and needs to rest but I didn't heed the warnings. My poor aching back! I don't want to complain, really, but it just hurts.

Why do we focus so much on comfort? We want everything to be easy. We don't want to have to put forth any effort. Why don't we appreciate the good along with the bad? Every ache, every pain reminds me that I'm still alive. Yes, picking up my granddaughter, who weighs 25 pounds, wasn't a good thing to do but that smile...that impish little grin she gave me...it was worth it. All the cleaning and scrubbing, yes, it was taxing, but the reward was greater...just knowing my children and grandchildren would come in to a nice clean home, was priceless. Staying up late, when my body said "no, don't do it, you'll be sorry," was totally worth it because it gave me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. So yes, I'm hurting, but it's okay.

The rain today hasn't helped much. I've always heard it makes the joints ache and now I know that to be true, but even though my body is screaming out in agony, I can laugh louder than the rain. All these aches and pains...maybe they really aren't screaming out at me. Maybe they're just trying to remind me that I'm still alive and that life is a gift and I need to remember this truth.


Someone once said that life is like a sponge that is totally saturated with good things to enjoy. The harder we squeeze, the more life pours out onto us...well, I want to visualize myself squeezing every last bit of life from that sponge! I want to squeeze it so hard that it hurts.

Maybe it's not so much about being comfortable all the time...maybe it's more about thriving in the uncomfortable. Maybe it's about embracing the struggle instead of trying to find an easier way. I hope I will always remember to live life to the fullest and even when my body hurts, that I'll be listening when I hear it whispering, "be thankful you're alive!"

Indeed, my back is hurting and I would give anything for an adjustment right about now, but I'll take the pain and I'll be grateful for it because as long as I can still feel it...I'm still here and that's definitely a plus.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

His Grace is enough

 Oh readers! I have so much to share today. God has been teaching me so many important truths as I've journeyed through the trial of Breast Cancer. As you've read, I'm sure you've been able to tell if I was having a good day or a bad day...if I was walking in the flesh or in the spirit. I am human. I have not always pleased God in the ways I've responded to this season of suffering, but He has been so gracious to me. In His love and mercy, He's been patiently waiting for me to understand His purposes. He's allowed me to fall into the deepest pits of despair, and He's lifted me out with His mighty, strong arm. Today, I was given a glimpse into a Scripture I've read thousands of times over, but today, I understood it as it related to my own personal journey and I'd like to share just a little of that with you. 

In 2 Corinthians chapter 12, Paul is speaking to the Corinthians trying to help them understand God's grace. Listen to what he says: " But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" 2 Corinthians 12:9Amplified Bible (AMP) 

Isn't that powerful?! God says His grace is ENOUGH! It's not too much or too little, it's perfectly enough...exactly what we need, when we need it and He knows exactly how much that is because He loves us so very much. Did you catch the next part of the verse? It says it "enables you to bear the trouble manfully"... But if you keep reading, you'll see that our strength and power comes from Christ. It isn't our strength that gets us through trials and tribulations, it's His strength! The part I love the most is the part where he says "My strength and power are made PERFECT and show themselves MOST EFFECTIVE in your weakness." Wow! 

God's grace has been ENOUGH to sustain me, to guide me, to protect me, and to teach me during this whole Breast Cancer ordeal. From the very first time I felt the mass in my breast until just a few minutes ago, God has decided exactly how much grace I'd need at the very moment I needed it. He never gave me an overabundance of grace and said, "save some of that grace so you can use it tomorrow or next week," no! He gave me just enough to get me through that exact situation, that exact trial, in His perfect timing too. 

So, what else do I have to say about the fact that God's grace is enough? Well, I can only say that I agree with Paul. Even though he suffered terribly and was treated unkindly over and over again, God was there with Him. He saw the suffering. He saw the trials. He knew exactly what Paul needed and that was grace. Paul knew that God's grace gave him the strength to bear the trials God allowed to come into his life. When he understood that clearly, he was able to not only accept his trials but to GLORY in them! Glory??? Yes, the Amplified version of the Bible says he will "all the more gladly glory in weaknesses and infirmities." Now, it's pretty awesome when you can thank God when you're going through some sort of trying time but to GLORY in them, that's downright amazing! But, if you really understand how God's grace IS SUFFICIENT, then you can be thankful when trials come. You can be okay when you experience physical suffering. I speak from personal experience! I have hurt so much physically that I have cried and pleaded and begged God to take the pain away from me but, He hasn't. He has allowed me to go through it with the power of His grace. When I've finally come to a point where I realized that my struggling against the trial wasn't doing me any good whatsoever, I learned to lean back into His grace and just relax knowing that everything was going to be okay and that He was taking good care of me. 

The last part of that verse, "that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" nearly jumped off the page at me when I read it! I'm a visual person and I'm also a camper. I don't camp in an RV, I camp in a tent and when I camp, there's nothing between me and bad weather or dangerous animals but a thin sheet of nylon material. But even with that thin layer of nylon over me, I feel safe and secure. That's the visual I got when I read the last part of this verse...I visualized God's grace resting over me like a tent...enveloping me, protecting me, covering me. So now can you understand how Paul, or how I, can say we glory in our weaknesses or infirmities? It's because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what God allows into our lives, He's going to provide just ENOUGH grace to get us through it! He's going to be there...HIS GRACE WILL NOT ONLY BE ENOUGH, IT WILL BE SUFFICIENT. He knows exactly how much we need and when we need it. Isn't that so reassuring? 

When your next trial comes, don't be overcome with despair. Rest knowing that God's grace will be sufficient for you. And maybe, just maybe, you'll even look at your trial and glory in it. It won't be easy the first time or two, but let me tell you...when you get to the point where you can look at physical suffering, trials, or tribulations through the eyes of Christ, you'll see that EVERYTHING He allows into your life is for your benefit and will be a teaching tool. His grace will be enough to get you through the death of a loved one, an unexpected illness, a painful surgery...even through Cancer. It will be exactly ENOUGH...no less, no more, and that's because He loves you, my friend, more than you'll ever know!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Crying over Rudolph

The weeks before Christmas, during prime time, there are so many Christmas television shows on for children. Some of them are new productions and then there are the old classics like "A Charlie Brown Christmas," or "Frosty the Snowman," or one of my favorites, "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer." I don't have little ones in my home any longer so we rarely turn on these holiday cartoons, but the other nite I was channel surfing and stumbled upon the airing of the Rudolph. In just an instant, I was transported back to my childhood.

Christmas was my favorite holiday hands down. I loved everything about it! I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, driving through the neighborhood to look at lights, singing carols, you name it, I loved it! As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the "Wanna Be Dentist" searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble, I could almost hear my mom’s voice saying, "Rudolph is on tonite!” I could just about hear my brother, sister and I respond with loud, childish voices in a resounding “Yeaaaaaahhh” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment. As those memories came flooding back, my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall.

How could I be crying over an animated children's movie? I felt like an idiot! But suddenly I realized what the tears were really about. The emotions of remembering were too real...I felt sad about the loss of childhood innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying meant and before I understood the word "Cancer." I thought about how simple life was back then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was...the sights, the smells, the sounds...and yes, even Santa. I did believe in Santa!

I remembered drafting letter after letter to Santa as I revised it over and over again in hopes my list of wants could somehow fit into my parents' meager budget. When I finally got my letter perfected, I went and took it to my mother so she could deliver it to the jolly old man for me. Occasionally, when we could, we'd leave some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. It was hard to drag myself up the stairs and into bed on the night before Christmas. I can still hear the sounds of my Daddy working to put together our bikes or some other toy as he and my mom talked in hushed, frustrated whispers hoping we were already fast asleep.

The next morning, my siblings and I would hurry down the stairs to see the tree laden with presents. We'd empty out our stockings while we waited for our sleep deprived parents to dress and come into the living room. In the blink of an eye, I was there once again...

It's funny how something like a Christmas movie can spark so many memories...good, wholesome childhood memories when life was so much simpler. Today the holidays are harder. As an adult, there are so many things that seem to weigh us down...the loss of morality in our nation, the rampant crime and evil, the heavy things like homelessness and hunger...a world that revolves around the almighty dollar...all the things that a child never had to think about. I long for the innocence again. I remembered what that was like for just one tiny moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..

But then, I heard the song, "We're a couple of Misfits," and my heart skipped a beat! That's it! That's me! I'm a misfit! I certainly haven't felt like I've fit in lately. I still struggle. As I watched Rudolph and Herbie singing their song, I had to smile. I felt a little better! Taking a step back into my childhood had provided a little affirmation for me. Thanks, Rudolph, for reminding me that being different is okay. Christmas is just a little more than a week away and I'm starting to get a little giddy. I still love Christmas and can't wait for it to get here! 

We're a couple of Misfits video

What I'm thinking:
This Christmas will be so very different from all the others. It will be a time of gratitude and thanksgiving. I wasn't sure I'd be here for this Christmas. In May, when I received my diagnosis, I thought I'd been given a death sentence. As each new day comes, I thank God for allowing me to open my eyes and get out of bed. I never realized how much I took things for granted before. Cancer is a great big wake up call and I never thought it would take something like that to make me "get it," but I'm glad I did.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved